Quaerts lived on the Plein, above a tailor, where he occupied two small rooms furnished in the most ordinary style. He could have had much better lodgings1 if he chose, but he was indifferent to comfort: he never gave it a thought in his own place; when he came across it elsewhere, it did not attract him. But it distressed2 Jules that Quaerts should live in this fashion; and the boy had long wanted to improve the sitting-room3. He was now busy hanging some trophies4 on an armour-rack, standing5 on a pair of steps, humming a tune6 which he remembered from some opera. But Quaerts paid no heed7 to what Jules was doing: he lay [141]without moving on the sofa, at full length, in his pyjamas8, unshorn, with his eyes fixed9 upon the Renascence decorations of the Law Courts, tracing a background of architecture behind the leafless trees of the Plein.
“Look, Taco, will this do?” asked Jules, after hanging an Algerian sabre between two Malay creeses and draping the folds of a Javanese sarong between.
“Yes, beautifully,” replied Quaerts.
But he did not look at the rack of arms and continued gazing at the Law Courts. He lay back motionless. There was no thought in him, nothing but listless dissatisfaction with himself and consequent sadness. For three weeks he had led a life of debauch10, to deaden consciousness, or perhaps he did not know precisely11 what: something that was in him, something that was beautiful but tedious, in ordinary life. He had begun by shooting over a friend’s [142]land in North Brabant. It lasted a week; there were eight of them; sport in the open air, followed by sporting dinners, with not only a great deal of wine, certainly the best, but still more geneva, also of the finest, like a liqueur. Ragging-excursions on horseback in the neighbourhood; follies12 at a farm—the peasant-woman carried round in a barrel and locked up in the cow-house—mischievous exploits, worthy13 only of unruly boys and savages14 and ending in a summons before a magistrate15, with a fine and damages. Wound up to a pitch of excitement with too much sport, too much oxygen and too much drink, five of the pack, including Quaerts, had gone on to Brussels, where one of them had a mistress. There they stayed nearly a fortnight, leading a life of continual excess, with endless champagne16 and larking17: a wild joy of living, which, natural enough at first, had in the [143]end to be screwed up and screwed up higher still, to make it last a couple of days longer; the last nights spent weariedly over écarté, with none but the fixed idea of winning, the exhaustion18 of all their violence already pulsing through their bodies, like a nervous relaxation19, and their eyes gazing without expression at the cards.
During that time Quaerts had only once thought of Cecile; and he had not followed up the thought. She had no doubt arisen three or four times in his brain, as a vague image, white and transparent20, an apparition21 which had vanished again immediately, leaving no trace of its passage. All this time too he had not written to her; and it had only once struck him that a silence of three weeks, after their last conversation, must seem strange to her. There it had remained. He was back now; he had lain three days long at home [144]on his bed, on his sofa, tired, feverish22, dissatisfied, disgusted with everything, everything; then, one morning, remembering that it was Wednesday, he had thought of Jules and his riding-lesson.
He sent for Jules, but, too lazy to shave or dress, he remained lying where he was. And he still lay there, realizing nothing. There before him were the Law Courts, with the Privy23 Council adjoining. At the side he could see the Witte1 and William the Silent standing on his pedestal in the middle of the Plein: that was all exceedingly interesting. And Jules was hanging up trophies: also interesting. And the most interesting of all was the stupid life he had been leading. What a tense effort to lull24 his boredom25! Had he really amused himself during that time? No; he had made a pretence26 of being amused: the episode of the peasant-woman [145]and the écarté had excited him; the sport was bad, the wine good, but he had drunk too much of it. And then the filthy27 champagne of that wench, at Brussels!...
Well, what then? He had absolute need of it, of a life like that, of sport and wild enjoyment28; it served to balance the other thing in him, which became impossible in everyday life.
But why could he not preserve some sort of mean in both? He was perfectly29 well-equipped for ordinary life; and with that he possessed30 something in addition, something that was very beautiful in his soul: why could he not remain balanced between those two inner spheres? Why was he always tossed from one to the other, as a thing that belonged to neither? How fine he could have made his life with just the least tact31, the least self-restraint! How he might have lived in a healthy delight [146]of purified animal existence, tempered by a higher joyousness32 of soul! But tact, self-restraint: he had none of all this; he lived according to his impulses, always in extremes; he was incapable33 of half-measures. And in this lay his pride as well as his regret: his pride that he felt this or that thing “wholly,” that he was unable to compromise with his emotions; and his regret that he could not compromise and bring into harmony the elements which for ever waged war within him.
When he had met Cecile and had seen her again and yet once again, he had felt himself carried wholly to the one extreme, the summit of exaltation, of pure crystal sympathy, in which the circle of his atmosphere—as he had said—glided in sympathy over hers, in a caress34 of pure chastity and spirituality, as two stars, spinning closer together, might mingle35 their atmospheres [147]for a moment, like breaths. What smiling happiness had not been within his reach, as it were a grace from Heaven!
Then, then he had felt himself toppling down, as if he had rocked over the balancing-point; and he had longed for earthly pleasures, for great simplicity36 of emotion, for primitive37 enjoyment of life, for flesh and blood. He now remembered how, two days after his last conversation with Cecile, he had seen Emilie Hijdrecht, here, in these very rooms, where at length, stung by his neglect, she had ventured to come to him one evening, heedless of all caution. With a line of cruelty round his mouth he recalled how she had wept at his knees, how in her jealousy38 she had complained against Cecile, how he had ordered her to be silent and forbidden her to pronounce Cecile’s name. Then, their mad embrace, an embrace of cruelty: cruelty [148]on her part against the man whom time after time she lost when she thought him secured for good, whom she could not understand and to whom she clung with all the violence of her brutal39 passion, a purely40 animal passion of primitive times; cruelty on his part against the woman he despised, while in his passion he almost stifled41 her in his embrace.
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Yes, what then? How was he to find the mean between the two poles of his nature? He shrugged42 his shoulders. He knew that he could never find it. He lacked some quality, or a certain power, necessary to find it. He could do nothing but allow himself to swing to and fro. Very well then: he would let himself swing; there was no help for it. For now, in the lassitude following his outburst of savagery43, he began to experience [149]again a violent longing44, like one who, after a long evening passed in a ball-room heavy with the foul45 air of gaslight and the stifling46 closeness and mustiness of human breath, craves47 a high heaven and width of atmosphere: a violent longing for Cecile. And he smiled, glad that he knew her, that he was able to go to her, that it was now his privilege to enter into the chaste48 sanctuary49 of her environment, as into a temple; he smiled, glad that he felt his longing and proud of it, exalting50 himself above other men. Already he tasted the pleasure of confessing to her honestly how he had lived during the last three weeks; and already he heard her voice, though he could not distinguish the words....
Jules climbed down the steps. He was disappointed that Quaerts had not followed his arranging of the weapons upon the rack and his draping of the stuffs around them. But he had quietly continued [150]his work and, now that it was finished, he climbed down and came and sat on the floor quietly, with his head against the foot of the couch on which his friend lay thinking. Jules said never a word; he looked straight before him, a little sulkily, knowing that Quaerts was looking at him.
“Jules,” said Quaerts.
But Jules did not answer, still staring.
“Tell me, Jules, what makes you like me so much?”
“How should I know?” answered Jules, with thin lips.
“Don’t you know?”
“No. How can you know why you are fond of any one?”
“You oughtn’t to be so fond of me, Jules. It’s not good.”
“Very well, I will be less so in the future.”
Jules rose suddenly and took his hat. [151]He put out his hand; but Quaerts held him back with a laugh:
“You see, scarcely any one is fond of me, except ... you and your father. Now I know why your father likes me, but not why you do.”
“You want to know everything.”
“Is that so very wrong?”
“Certainly. You’ll never be satisfied. Mamma always says that no one knows anything.”
“And you?”
“I?... Nothing....”
“How do you mean, nothing?”
“I know nothing at all.... Let me go.”
“Are you cross, Jules?”
“No, but I have an engagement.”
“Can’t you wait till I’m dressed? Then we can go together. I am going to Aunt Cecile’s.”
Jules objected:
“All right, provided you hurry.”
Quaerts got up. He now saw the arrangement of the weapons, which he had entirely51 forgotten:
“You’ve done it very nicely, Jules,” he said, in an admiring tone. “Thank you very much.”
Jules did not answer; and Quaerts went through into his dressing-room. The lad sat down on the sofa, bolt upright, looking out at the Law Courts, across the bare trees. His eyes filled with great round tears, which ran down his cheeks. Sitting stiff and motionless, he wept.
1 The leading club at The Hague.
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1
lodgings
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| n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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distressed
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| 痛苦的 | |
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sitting-room
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| n.（BrE）客厅，起居室 | |
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trophies
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| n.（为竞赛获胜者颁发的）奖品( trophy的名词复数 )；奖杯；（尤指狩猎或战争中获得的）纪念品；（用于比赛或赛跑名称）奖 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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tune
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| n.调子；和谐，协调；v.调音，调节，调整 | |
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heed
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| v.注意，留意；n.注意，留心 | |
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pyjamas
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| n.（宽大的）睡衣裤 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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debauch
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| v.使堕落，放纵 | |
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precisely
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| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
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follies
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| 罪恶，时事讽刺剧； 愚蠢，蠢笨，愚蠢的行为、思想或做法( folly的名词复数 ) | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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savages
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| 未开化的人，野蛮人( savage的名词复数 ) | |
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magistrate
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| n.地方行政官，地方法官，治安官 | |
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champagne
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| n.香槟酒；微黄色 | |
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larking
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| v.百灵科鸟（尤指云雀）( lark的现在分词 )；一大早就起床；鸡鸣即起；（因太费力而不想干时说）算了 | |
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exhaustion
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| n.耗尽枯竭，疲惫，筋疲力尽，竭尽，详尽无遗的论述 | |
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relaxation
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| n.松弛，放松；休息；消遣；娱乐 | |
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transparent
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| adj.明显的，无疑的；透明的 | |
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apparition
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| n.幽灵，神奇的现象 | |
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feverish
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| adj.发烧的，狂热的，兴奋的 | |
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privy
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| adj.私用的；隐密的 | |
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lull
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| v.使安静，使入睡，缓和，哄骗；n.暂停，间歇 | |
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25
boredom
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| n.厌烦，厌倦，乏味，无聊 | |
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pretence
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| n.假装，作假；借口，口实；虚伪；虚饰 | |
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27
filthy
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| adj.卑劣的；恶劣的，肮脏的 | |
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28
enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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30
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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tact
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| n.机敏，圆滑，得体 | |
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joyousness
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| 快乐，使人喜悦 | |
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incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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caress
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| vt./n.爱抚，抚摸 | |
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mingle
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| vt.使混合，使相混；vi.混合起来；相交往 | |
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simplicity
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| n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯 | |
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primitive
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| adj.原始的；简单的；n.原(始)人，原始事物 | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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brutal
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| adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的 | |
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40
purely
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| adv.纯粹地，完全地 | |
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41
stifled
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| （使）窒息， （使）窒闷( stifle的过去式和过去分词 )； 镇压，遏制； 堵 | |
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42
shrugged
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| vt.耸肩（shrug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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43
savagery
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| n.野性 | |
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44
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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45
foul
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| adj.污秽的；邪恶的；v.弄脏；妨害；犯规；n.犯规 | |
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46
stifling
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| a.令人窒息的 | |
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47
craves
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| 渴望，热望( crave的第三人称单数 )； 恳求，请求 | |
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48
chaste
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| adj.贞洁的；有道德的；善良的；简朴的 | |
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49
sanctuary
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| n.圣所，圣堂，寺庙；禁猎区，保护区 | |
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50
exalting
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| a.令人激动的，令人喜悦的 | |
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51
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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