He was fourteen years old, but he felt himself neither child nor boy: a certain feebleness, an almost feminine need of dependency, of devotion to some one who would be everything to him had already, in his earliest childhood, struck at his [179]virility; and he shivered in his dread of this inner loneliness, as if he were afraid of himself. He suffered greatly from vague moods in which that strange something oppressed and stifled6 him; then, not knowing where to hide his inner being, he would go to play, so that he might lose himself in the great sound-soul of music. His thin, nervous fingers would grope hesitatingly over the keys; he himself would suffer from the false chords which he struck in his search; then he would let himself go, find a single, very short motive7, of plaintive8, minor9 melancholy10, and caress11 that motive in his joy at possessing it, at having found it, caress it until it returned each moment as a monotony of sorrow. He would think the motive so beautiful that he could not part with it; those four or five notes expressed so well everything that he felt that he would play them over and over again, until Suzette [180]burst into the room and made him stop, saying that otherwise she would be driven mad.
Thus he sat playing now. And it was pitiful at first: he hardly recognized the notes; cacophonous12 discords13 wailed14 and cut into his poor brain, still smarting from the headache. He moaned as if he were in pain afresh; but his fingers were hypnotized, they could not desist, they still sought on; and the notes became purer: a short phrase released itself with a cry, a cry which returned continually on the same note, suddenly high after the dull bass15 of the prelude16. And this note came as a surprise to Jules; that fair cry of sorrow frightened him; and he was glad to have found it, glad to have so sweet a sorrow. Then he was no longer himself; he played on until he felt that it was not he who was playing but another, within him, who compelled him; he found the full, pure [181]chords as by intuition; through the sobbing17 of the sounds ran the same musical figure, higher and higher, with silver feet of purity, following the curve of crystal rainbows lightly spanned on high; reaching the topmost point of the arch it struck a cry, this time in very drunkenness, out into the major, throwing up wide arms in gladness to heavens of intangible blue. Then it was like souls of men, which first live and suffer and utter their complaint and then die, to glitter in forms of light whose long wings spring from their pure shoulders in sheets of silver radiance; they trip one behind the other over the rainbows, over the bridges of glass, blue and rose and yellow; and there come more and more, kindreds and nations of souls; they hurry their silver feet, they press across the rainbow, they laugh and sing and push one another; in their jostling their wings clash together, scattering18 silver down. Now [182]they stand all on the top of the arc and look up, with the great wondering of their laughing child-eyes; and they dare not, they dare not; but others press on behind them, innumerous, more and more and yet more; they crowd upwards19 to the topmost height, their wings straight in the air, close together. And now, now they must; they may hesitate no longer. One of them, taking deep breaths, spreads his flight and with one shock springs out of the thick throng20 into the ether. Soon many follow, one after another, till their shapes swoon in the blue; all is gleam about them. Now, far below, thin as a thin thread, the rainbow arches itself, but they do not look at it; rays fall towards them: these are souls, which they embrace; they go with them in locked embraces. And then the light: light beaming over all; all things liquid in everlasting21 light; nothing but light: the sounds sing the light, the sounds [183]are the light, there is nothing now but the light everlasting....
“Jules!”
He looked up vacantly.
“Jules! Jules!”
He smiled now, as if awakened22 from a dream-sleep; he rose, went to her, to Cecile. She stood in the doorway23; she had remained standing24 there while he played; it had seemed to her that he was playing a part of herself.
“What were you playing, Jules?” she asked.
He was quite awake now and distressed25, fearing that he must have made a terrible noise in the house....
“I don’t know, Auntie,” he said.
She hugged him, suddenly, violently, in gratitude26.... To him she owed it, the great mystery, since the day when he had broken out in anger against her....
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1
interfere
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| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
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2
formerly
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| adv.从前，以前 | |
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3
tickled
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| （使）发痒( tickle的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）愉快，逗乐 | |
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appreciation
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| n.评价；欣赏；感谢；领会，理解；价格上涨 | |
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5
dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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6
stifled
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| （使）窒息， （使）窒闷( stifle的过去式和过去分词 )； 镇压，遏制； 堵 | |
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7
motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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8
plaintive
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| adj.可怜的，伤心的 | |
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9
minor
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| adj.较小(少)的，较次要的；n.辅修学科；vi.辅修 | |
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10
melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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11
caress
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| vt./n.爱抚，抚摸 | |
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12
cacophonous
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| adj.发音不和谐的，粗腔横调的 | |
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13
discords
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| 不和（discord的复数形式） | |
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14
wailed
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| v.哭叫，哀号( wail的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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15
bass
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| n.男低音(歌手)；低音乐器；低音大提琴 | |
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16
prelude
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| n.序言，前兆，序曲 | |
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17
sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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18
scattering
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| n.[物]散射；散乱，分散；在媒介质中的散播adj.散乱的；分散在不同范围的；广泛扩散的；（选票）数量分散的v.散射(scatter的ing形式)；散布；驱散 | |
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19
upwards
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| adv.向上，在更高处...以上 | |
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20
throng
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| n.人群，群众；v.拥挤，群集 | |
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21
everlasting
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| adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的 | |
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22
awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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23
doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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24
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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25
distressed
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| 痛苦的 | |
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26
gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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