“Oh, for that which cannot be told, because words are so few, always the same combinations of a few letters and sounds; oh, for that which cannot be thought of in the narrow limits of comprehension; that which at best can only be groped for with the antenn? of the soul; essence of the essences of the ultimate elements of our being!...”
She wrote no more, she knew no more: why write that she had no words and yet seek them?
She was waiting for him and she now looked out of the open window to see if [185]he was coming. She remained there for a long time; then she felt that he would come immediately and so he did: she saw him approaching along the Scheveningen Road; he pushed open the iron gate of the villa1 and smiled to her as he raised his hat.
“Wait!” she cried. “Stay where you are!”
She ran down the steps, into the garden, where he stood. She came towards him, beaming with happiness and so lovely, so delicately frail2; her blonde head so seemly in the fresh green of May; her figure like a young girl’s in the palest grey gown, with black velvet3 ribbon and here and there a touch of silver lace.
“I am so glad that you have come! You have not been to see me for so long!” she said, giving him her hand.
He did not answer at once; he merely smiled. [186]
“Let us sit in the garden, behind: the weather is so lovely.”
“Let us,” he said.
They walked into the garden, by the mesh4 of the garden-paths, the jasmine-vines starring white as they passed. In an adjoining villa a piano was playing; the sounds came to them of Rubinstein’s Romance.
“Listen!” said Cecile, starting. “What is that?”
“What?” he asked.
“What they are playing.”
“Something of Rubinstein’s, I believe,” he said.
“Rubinstein?...” she repeated, vaguely5. “Yes....”
And she relapsed into the wealth of memories of ... what? Once before, in this way, she had walked along these same paths, past jasmine-vines like these, long, ever so long ago; she had walked [187]with him, with him.... Why? Could the past repeat itself, after centuries?...
“It is three weeks since you have been to see me,” she said, simply, recovering herself.
“Forgive me,” he replied.
“What was the reason?”
He hesitated throughout his being, seeking an excuse:
“I don’t know,” he answered, softly. “You will forgive me, will you not? One day it was this, another day that. And then ... I don’t know. Many reasons together. It is not good that I should see you often. Not good for you, nor for me.”
“Let us begin with the second. Why is it not good for you?”
“No, let us begin with the first, with what concerns you. People ...”
“People?” [188]
“People are talking about us. I am looked upon as an irretrievable rake. I will not have your name linked profanely6 with mine.”
“And is it?”
“Yes....”
She smiled:
“I don’t mind.”
“But you must mind; if not for your own sake ...”
He stopped. She knew he was thinking of her boys; she shrugged7 her shoulders.
“And now, why is it not good for you?”
“A man must not be happy too often.”
“What a sophism8! Why not?”
“I don’t know; but I feel I am right. It spoils him; it is too much for him.”
“Are you happy here, then?”
He smiled and gently nodded yes.
They were silent for very long. They were now sitting at the end of the garden, [189]on a seat which stood in a semicircle of flowering rhododendrons: the great purple-satin blossoms shut them in with a tall hedge of closely-clustered bouquets9, rising from the paths and overtopping their heads; standard roses flung their incense10 before them. They sat still, happy in each other, happy in the sympathy of their atmospheres mingling11 together; yet in their happiness there was the invincible12 melancholy13 which is an integral part of all life, even in happiness.
“I don’t know how I am to tell you,” he said. “But suppose that I were to see you every day, every moment that I thought of you.... That would not do. For then I should become so refined, so subtle, that for pure happiness I should not be able to live; my other being would receive nothing and would suffer like a beast that is left to starve. I am bad, I am selfish, to be able to speak like this, but I must tell [190]you the truth, that you may not think too well of me. And so I only seek your company as something very beautiful which I allow myself to enjoy just once in a way.”
She was silent.
“Sometimes ... sometimes, too, I imagine that in doing this I am not behaving well to you, that in some way or other I offend or hurt you. Then I sit brooding about it, until I begin to think that it would be best to take leave of you for ever.”
She was still silent; motionless she sat, with her hands lying slackly in her lap, her head slightly bowed, a smile about her mouth.
“Speak to me,” he begged.
“You do not offend me, nor hurt me,” she said. “Come to me whenever you feel the need. Do always as you think best; and I shall think that best too: you must not doubt that.” [191]
“I should so much like to know in what way you like me?”
“In what way? Surely, as a Madonna does a sinner who repents14 and gives her his soul,” she said, archly. “Am I not a Madonna?”
“Are you content to be so?”
“Can you be so ignorant about women as not to know how every one of us has a longing15 to solace16 and relieve, in fact, to play at being a Madonna?”
“Do not speak like that,” he said, with pain in his voice.
“I am speaking seriously....”
He looked at her; a doubt rose within him, but she smiled to him; a calm glory was about her; she sat amidst the bouquets of the rhododendrons as in the blossoming tenderness of one great mystic flower. The wound of his doubt was soothed17 with balsam. He surrendered himself wholly to his happiness; an atmosphere wafted18 [192]about him of the sweet calm of life, an atmosphere in which life becomes dispassionate and restful and smiling, like the air which is rare about the gods. It began to grow dark; a violet dusk fell from the sky like crape falling upon crape; quietly the stars lighted up. The shadows in the garden, between the shrubs19 among which they sat, flowed into one another; the piano in the next villa had stopped. And happiness drew a veil between his soul and the outside world: the garden with its design of plots and paths; the villa with curtains at its windows and its iron gate; the road behind, with the rattle20 of carriages and trams. All this withdrew itself far back; all ordinary life retreated far from him; vanishing behind the veil, it died away. It was no dream nor conceit21: reality to him was the happiness that had come while the world died away; the happiness that was rare, invisible, intangible, [193]coming from the love which alone is sympathy, calm and without passion, the love which exists purely22 of itself, without further thought either of taking anything or even of giving anything, the love of the gods, which is the soul of love itself. High he felt himself: the equal of the illusion which he had of her, which she wished to be for his sake, of which he also was now absolutely certain. For he could not know that what had given him happiness—his illusion—so perfect, so crystal-clear, might cause her some sort of grief; he could not at this moment penetrate23 without sin into the truth of the law which insists on equilibrium24, which takes away from one what it offers to another, which gives happiness and grief together; he could not know that, if happiness was with him, with her there was anguish25, anguish in that she had to make a pretence26 and deceive him [194]for his own sake, anguish in that she wanted what was earthly, that she craved27 for what was earthly, that she yearned28 for earthly pleasures!... And still less could he know that, notwithstanding all this, there was nevertheless voluptuousness29 in her anguish: that to suffer through him, to suffer for him made of her anguish all voluptuousness.
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2
It was dark and late; and they were still sitting there.
“Shall we go for a walk?” she asked.
He hesitated, with a smile; but she repeated her suggestion:
“Why not, if you care to?”
And he could no longer refuse.
They rose and went along by the back of the house; and Cecile said to the maid, whom she saw sitting with her needle-work by the kitchen-door: [195]
“Greta, fetch me my little black hat, my black-lace shawl and a pair of gloves.”
The servant rose and went into the house. Cecile noticed how a trifle of shyness was emphasized in Quaerts’ hesitation30, now that they stood loitering, waiting among the flower-beds. She smiled, plucked a rose and placed it in her waist-band.
“Have the boys gone to bed?” he asked.
“Yes,” she replied, still smiling, “long ago.”
The servant returned; Cecile put on the little black hat, threw the lace about her neck, but refused the gloves which Greta offered her:
“No, not these; get me a pair of grey ones....”
The servant went into the house again; and as Cecile looked at Quaerts her gaiety increased. She gave a little laugh:
“What is the matter?” she asked, mischievously31, [196]knowing perfectly32 well what it was.
“Nothing, nothing!” he said, vaguely, and waited patiently until Greta returned.
Then they went through the garden-gate into the Woods. They walked slowly, without speaking; Cecile played with her long gloves, not putting them on.
“Really ...” he began, hesitating.
“Come, what is it?”
“You know; I told you the other day: it’s not right....”
“What isn’t?”
“What we are doing now. You risk too much.”
“Too much, with you?”
“If any one were to see us....”
“And what then?”
He shook his head:
“You are wilful33; you know quite well.”
She clinched34 her eyes; her mouth grew [197]serious; she pretended to be a little angry:
“Listen, you mustn’t be anxious if I’m not. I am doing no harm. Our walks are not secret: Greta at least knows about them. And, besides, I am free to do as I please.”
“It’s my fault: the first time we went for a walk in the evening, it was at my request....”
“Then do penance35 and be good; come now, without scruple36, at my request,” she said, with mock emphasis.
He yielded, feeling far too happy to wish to make any sacrifice to a convention which at that moment did not exist.
They walked on silently. Cecile’s sensations always came to her in shocks of surprise. So it had been when Jules had grown suddenly angry with her; so also, midway on the stair, after that conversation at dinner of circles of sympathy. And now, precisely37 in the same way, with [198]the shock of sudden revelation, came this new sensation, that after all she was not suffering so seriously as she had at first thought; that her agony, being a voluptuousness, could not be a martyrdom; that she was happy, that happiness had come about her in the fine air of his atmosphere, because they were together, together.... Oh, why wish for anything more, above all for things less pure? Did he not love her and was not his love already a fact and was not his love earthly enough for her, now that it was a fact? Did he not love her with a tenderness which feared for anything that might trouble her in the world, through her ignoring that world and wandering about with him alone in the dark? Did he not love her with tenderness, but also with the lustre38 of his soul’s divinity, calling her Madonna and by this title—unconsciously, perhaps, in his simplicity—making her the equal of all that [199]was divine in him? Did he not love her? Heavens above, did he not love her? Well, what did she want more? No, no, she wanted nothing more: she was happy, she shared happiness with him; he gave it to her just as she gave it to him; it was a sphere that moved with them wherever they went, seeking their way along the darkling paths of the Woods, she leaning on his arm, he leading her, for she could see nothing in the dark, which yet was not dark, but pure light of their happiness. And so it was as if it were not evening, but day, noonday, noonday in the night, hour of light in the dusk!
[Contents]
3
And the darkness was light; the night dawned with light which beamed on every side. Calmly it beamed, the light, like one solitary39 planet, beaming with the soft radiance of purity, bright in a heaven of [200]still, white, silver light, a heaven where they walked along milky40 ways of light and music; it beamed and sounded beneath their feet; it welled in seas of ether high above their heads and beamed and sounded there, high and clear. And they were alone in their heaven, in their infinite heaven, which was as space, endless beneath them and above and around them, with endless spaces of light and music, of light that was music. Their heaven lay eternal on every side with blissful vistas41 of white radiance, fading away in lustre and vanishing landscapes, like oases42 of flowers and plants beside waters of light, still and clear and hushed with peace. For its peace was the ether in which all desire is dissolved and becomes transparent43 and crystal; and their life was a limpid44 existence in unruffled peace; they walked on, in heavenly sympathy of fellowship, close together, hemmed45 in one narrow circle, a [201]circle of radiance which embraced them both. Barely was there a recollection in them of the world which had died out in the glitter of their heaven; there was naught46 in them but the ecstasy47 of their love, which had become their soul, as if they no longer had any soul, as if they were only love; and, when they looked about them and into the light, they saw that their heaven, in which their happiness was the light, was nothing but their love, and they saw that the landscapes—the flowers and plants by waters of light—were nothing but their love and that the endless space, the eternities of light and space, of spaces full of light and music, stretching on every hand, beneath them and above and around them, that all this was nothing but their love, which had grown into heaven and happiness.
And now they came into the very midst, to the very sun-centre, the very goal which [202]Cecile had once foreseen, concealed48 in the distance, in the irradiance of innate49 divinity. Up to the very goal they stepped; and on every side it shot its endless rays into each and every eternity50, as if their love were becoming the centre of the universe...
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4
But they sat on a bench, in the dark, not knowing that it was dark, for their eyes were full of the light. They sat against each other, silently at first, till, remembering that he had a voice and could still speak words, he said:
“I have never lived through such a moment as this. I forget where we are and who we are and that we are human. We were, were we not? I seem to remember that we once were?”
“Yes, but we are that no longer,” she said, smiling; and her eyes, grown [203]big, looked into the darkness that was light.
“Once we were human, suffering and desiring, in a world where certainly much was beautiful, but where much also was ugly.”
“Why speak of that now?” she asked; and her voice sounded to herself as coming from very far and low beneath her.
“I seemed to remember it.”
“I wanted to forget it.”
“Then I will do so too. But may I not thank you in human speech for lifting me above humanity?”
“Have I done so?”
“Yes. May I thank you for it ... on my knees?”
He knelt down and reverently51 took her hands. He could just distinguish the outline of her figure, seated motionless and still upon the bench; above them was a [204]pearl-grey twilight52 of stars, between the black boughs53. She felt her hands in his and then his mouth, his kiss, upon her hand. Very gently, she released herself; and then, with a great soul of modesty54, full of desireless happiness, very gently she bent55 her arms about his neck, took his head against her and kissed him on the forehead:
“And I, I thank you too!” she whispered, rapturously.
He was still; and she held him fast in her embrace.
“I thank you,” she said, “for teaching me this and how to be happy as we are and no otherwise. You see, when I still lived and was human, when I was a woman, I thought that I had lived before I met you, for I had had a husband and I had children of whom I was very fond. But from you I first learnt to live, to live without egoism and without desire; I [205]learnt that from you this evening or ... this day, which is it? You have given me life and happiness and everything. And I thank you, I thank you! You see, you are so great and so strong and so clear and you have borne me towards your own happiness, which should also be mine, but it was so far above me that, without you, I should never have attained56 it! For there was a barrier for me which did not exist for you. You see, when I was still human”—and she laughed, clasping him more tightly—“I had a sister; and she too felt that there was a barrier between her happiness and herself; and she felt that she could not surmount57 this barrier and was so unhappy because of it that she feared lest she should go mad. But I, I do not know: I dreamed, I thought, I hoped, I waited, oh, I waited; and then you came; and you made me understand at once that you could be no man, no husband [206]for me, but that you could be more for me: my angel, O my deliverer, who would take me in his arms and bear me over the barrier into his own heaven, where he himself was god, and make me his Madonna! Oh, I thank you, I thank you! I do not know how to thank you; I can only say that I love you, that I adore you, that I lay myself at your feet. Remain as you are and let me adore you, while you kneel where you are. I may adore you, may I not, while you yourself are kneeling? You see, I too must confess, as you used to do,” she continued, for now she could not but confess. “I have not always been straightforward58 with you; I have sometimes pretended to be the Madonna, knowing all the time that I was but an ordinary woman, a woman who frankly59 loved you. But I deceived you for your own happiness, did I not? You wished me so, you were happy when I was [207]so and no otherwise. And now, now too you must forgive me, because now I need no longer pretend, because that is past and has died away, because I myself have died away from myself, because now I am no longer a woman, no longer human for myself, but only what you wish me to be: a Madonna and your creature, an atom of your own essence and divinity. So will you forgive me the past? May I thank you for my happiness, for my heaven, my light, O my master, for my joy, my great, my immeasurable joy?”
He rose and sat beside her, taking her gently in his arms:
“Are you happy?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said, laying her head on his shoulder in a giddiness of light. “And you?”
“Yes,” he answered; and he asked again, “And do you desire ... nothing more?” [208]
“No, nothing!” she stammered60. “I want nothing but this, nothing but what is mine, oh, nothing, nothing more!”
“Swear it to me ... by something sacred!”
“I swear it to you ... by yourself!” she declared.
He pressed her head to his shoulder again. He smiled; and she did not see that there was sadness in his laugh, for she was blinded with light.
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5
They were long silent, sitting there. She remembered having said many things, she no longer knew what. About her she saw that it was dark, with only that pearl-grey twilight of stars above their heads, between the black boughs. She felt that she was lying with her head on his shoulder; she heard his breath. A sort of chill crept down her shoulders, notwithstanding [209]the warmth of his embrace; she drew the lace closer about her throat and felt that the bench on which they sat was moist with dew.
“I thank you, I love you so, you make me so happy,” she repeated.
He was silent; he pressed her to him very gently, with sheer tenderness. Her last words still sounded in her ears after she had spoken them. Then she was bound to acknowledge to herself that they had not been spontaneous, like all that she had told him before, as he knelt before her with his head at her breast. She had spoken them to break the silence: formerly61 that silence had never troubled her; why should it now?
“Come!” he said gently; and even yet she did not hear the sadness of his voice, in this single word.
They rose and walked on. It came to him that it was late, that they must return [210]by the same path; beyond that, his thoughts were sorrowful with many things which he could not have expressed; a poor twilight had come about him, after the blinding light of their heaven of but now. And he had to be cautious: it was very dark here; and he could only just see the path, lying very pale and undecided at their feet; they brushed against the trunks of the trees as they passed.
“I can see nothing,” said Cecile, laughing. “Can you see the way?”
“Rely upon me: I can see quite well in the dark,” he replied. “I have eyes like a lynx....”
Step by step they went on and she felt a sweet joy in being guided by him; she clung close to his arm, saying laughingly that she was afraid and that she would be terrified if he were suddenly to leave hold of her.
“And suppose I were suddenly to run [211]away and leave you alone?” said Quaerts, jestingly.
She laughed; she besought62 him with a laugh not to do so. Then she was silent, angry with herself for laughing; a burden of sadness bore her down because of her jesting and laughter. She felt as if she were unworthy of that into which, in radiant light, she had just been received.
And he too was filled with sadness: the sadness of having to lead her through the dark, by invisible paths, past rows of invisible tree-trunks which might graze and wound her; of having to lead her through a dark wood, through a black sea, through an ink-dark sphere, when they were returning from a heaven where all had been light and all happiness, without sadness or darkness.
And so they were silent in that sadness, until they reached the highroad, the old Scheveningen Road. [212]
They approached the villa. A tram went by; two or three people passed on foot; it was a fine evening. He brought her home and waited until the door opened to his ring. The door remained unopened; meantime he pressed her hand tightly and hurt her a little, involuntarily. Greta must have fallen asleep, she thought:
“Ring again, would you?”
He rang again, louder this time; after a moment, the door opened. She gave him her hand once more, with a smile.
“Good-night, mevrouw,” he said, taking her fingers respectfully and raising his hat.
Now, now she could hear the sound of his voice, with its note of sadness....
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1
villa
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| n.别墅，城郊小屋 | |
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frail
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| adj.身体虚弱的；易损坏的 | |
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velvet
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| n.丝绒，天鹅绒；adj.丝绒制的，柔软的 | |
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mesh
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| n.网孔，网丝，陷阱；vt.以网捕捉，啮合，匹配；vi.适合； [计算机]网络 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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profanely
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| adv.渎神地，凡俗地 | |
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shrugged
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| vt.耸肩（shrug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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sophism
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| n.诡辩 | |
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bouquets
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| n.花束( bouquet的名词复数 )；（酒的）芳香 | |
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incense
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| v.激怒；n.香，焚香时的烟，香气 | |
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mingling
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| adj.混合的 | |
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invincible
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| adj.不可征服的，难以制服的 | |
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melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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repents
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| 对（自己的所为）感到懊悔或忏悔( repent的第三人称单数 ) | |
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longing
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solace
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| n.安慰；v.使快乐；vt.安慰(物)，缓和 | |
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soothed
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| v.安慰( soothe的过去式和过去分词 )；抚慰；使舒服；减轻痛苦 | |
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wafted
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| v.吹送，飘送，（使）浮动( waft的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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shrubs
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| 灌木( shrub的名词复数 ) | |
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rattle
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| v.飞奔，碰响；激怒；n.碰撞声；拨浪鼓 | |
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conceit
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purely
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penetrate
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| v.透(渗)入；刺入，刺穿；洞察，了解 | |
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equilibrium
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anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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pretence
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| n.假装，作假；借口，口实；虚伪；虚饰 | |
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craved
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| 渴望，热望( crave的过去式 )； 恳求，请求 | |
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yearned
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| 渴望，切盼，向往( yearn的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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voluptuousness
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| n.风骚，体态丰满 | |
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hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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mischievously
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| adv.有害地；淘气地 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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wilful
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| adj.任性的，故意的 | |
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clinched
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| v.（尤指两人）互相紧紧抱[扭]住( clinch的过去式和过去分词 )；解决（争端、交易），达成（协议） | |
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penance
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| n.（赎罪的）惩罪 | |
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scruple
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| n./v.顾忌，迟疑 | |
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precisely
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| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
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lustre
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solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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milky
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| adj.牛奶的，多奶的；乳白色的 | |
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vistas
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| 长条形景色( vista的名词复数 )； 回顾； 展望； （未来可能发生的）一系列情景 | |
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oases
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| n.（沙漠中的）绿洲( oasis的名词复数 )；（困苦中）令人快慰的地方（或时刻）；乐土；乐事 | |
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transparent
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| adj.明显的，无疑的；透明的 | |
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limpid
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| adj.清澈的，透明的 | |
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hemmed
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| 缝…的褶边( hem的过去式和过去分词 )； 包围 | |
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naught
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| n.无，零 [=nought] | |
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ecstasy
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| n.狂喜，心醉神怡，入迷 | |
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concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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innate
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| adj.天生的，固有的，天赋的 | |
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eternity
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| n.不朽，来世；永恒，无穷 | |
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reverently
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| adv.虔诚地 | |
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twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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boughs
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| 大树枝( bough的名词复数 ) | |
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modesty
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| n.谦逊，虚心，端庄，稳重，羞怯，朴素 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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attained
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| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的过去式和过去分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
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surmount
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| vt.克服；置于…顶上 | |
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straightforward
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| adj.正直的，坦率的；易懂的，简单的 | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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stammered
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| v.结巴地说出( stammer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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formerly
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| adv.从前，以前 | |
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besought
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| v.恳求，乞求（某事物）( beseech的过去式和过去分词 )；(beseech的过去式与过去分词) | |
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