Then she knew, next day, when she sat alone, wrapped in reflection, that the sphere of happiness, the highest and brightest, may not be trod; that it may only beam upon us as a sun; and that we may not enter into it, into the sacred sun-centre. They had done that....
Listless she sat, with her children by her side, Christie looking pale and languid. Yes, she spoiled them; but how could she change herself?
Weeks passed; and Cecile heard nothing from Quaerts. It was always so: after he had been with her, weeks would drag by without her ever seeing him. For he was much too happy with her, it was more than [214]he could bear. He looked upon her society as a rare pleasure to be very jealously indulged. And she, she loved him simply, with the innermost essence of her soul, loved him frankly1, as a woman loves a man.... She always wanted him, every day, every hour, at every pulse of her life.
Then she met him by chance, at Scheveningen, where she had gone one evening with Amélie and Suzette. Then once again at a reception at Mrs. Hoze’s. He seemed shy with her; and a certain pride in her kept her from asking him to call. Yes, something was changed in what had been woven between them. But she suffered sorely, suffered also because of that foolish pride, because she had not humbly2 begged him to come to her. Was he not her god? Whatever he did was good.
So she did not see him for weeks and [215]weeks. Life went on: each day she had her little occupations, in her household, with her children; Mrs. Hoze reproached her for her withdrawal3 from society and she began to think more about her friends, to please Mrs. Hoze, who had asked this of her. There were flashes in her memory; in those flashes she saw the dinner-party, their conversations and walks, all her love for him, all his reverence4 for her whom he called Madonna; their last evening of light and ecstasy5. Then she smiled; and the smile itself beamed over her anguish6, her anguish in that she no longer saw him, in that she felt proud and cherished a little inward bitterness. Yet all things must be well, as he wished them to be.
Oh, the evenings, the summer evenings, cooling after the warm days, the evenings when she sat alone, staring out from her room, where the onyx lamp burnt with a subdued7 flame, staring out of the open [216]windows at the trams which, with their tinkling8 bells, came and went to Scheveningen, full, full of people! Waiting, the endless long waiting, evening after evening in solitude9, after the children had gone to bed! Waiting, when she simply sat still, staring fixedly10 before her, looking at the trams, the tedious, everlasting11 trams! Where was her modulated12 joy of dreaming happiness? And where, where was her radiant happiness? Where was her struggle within herself between what she was and what he saw in her? This struggle no longer existed, this struggle also had been overcome; she no longer felt the force of passion; she only longed to see him come as he had always come, as he no longer came. Why did he not come? Happiness palled13; people were talking about them.... It was not right that they should see much of each other—he had said so the evening before that highest [217]happiness—not good for him and not good for her.
So she sat and thought; and great silent tears fell from her eyes, for she knew that, though he remained away partly for his own sake, it was above all for hers that he did not come. What had she not said to him that evening on the bench in the Woods, when her arms were about his neck! Oh, she should have been silent, she felt it now! She should not have uttered her rapture14, but have enjoyed it secretly within herself; she should have let him utter himself: she herself should have remained his Madonna. But she had been too full, too happy; and in that over-brimming happiness she had been unable to be other than true and clear as a bright mirror.
He had glanced into her and read her entirely15: she knew that, she was certain of it. [218]
He knew now in what manner she loved him; she herself had revealed it to him. But, at the same time, she had made known to him that this was all past, that she was now what he wished her to be. And this had been true then, clear at that time and true.... But now? Does ecstasy endure only for one moment and did he know it? Did he know that her soul’s flight had reached its limit and must now descend16 again to a commoner sphere? Did he know that she loved him again now, quite ordinarily, with all her being, wholly and entirely, no longer as widely as the heavens, only as widely as her arms could reach out and embrace? And could he not return this love, this so petty love of hers, and was that why he did not come to her?
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2
Then she received his letter: [219]
“Forgive me if I put off from day to day coming to see you; forgive me if even to-day I cannot decide to come and if I write to you instead. Forgive me if I even venture to ask you whether it may not be necessary that we see each other no more. If I hurt you and offend you, if I—which may God forbid—cause you pain, forgive me, forgive me! Perhaps I procrastinated17 a little from indecision, but much more because I considered that I had no other choice.
“There has been between our two lives, between our two souls, a rare moment of happiness which was a special boon18, a special grace of heaven. Do you not think so too? Oh, if only I had the words to tell you how grateful I am in my innermost soul for that happiness! If later I ever look back upon my life, I shall always see that happiness gleaming in between the ugliness and the blackness, like a star [220]of light. We received it as such, as a gift of light. And I venture to ask you if that gift is not a thing for you and me to keep sacred?
“Can we do that if I continue to see you? You, yes, I have no doubt of you: you will be strong to keep it sacred, our sacred happiness, especially because you have already had your struggle, as you confided19 to me on that sacred evening. But I, can I too be strong, especially now that I know that you have been through the struggle? I doubt myself, I doubt my own force; I am afraid of myself. There is cruelty in me, a love of destruction, something of a savage20. As a boy I took pleasure in destroying beautiful things, in breaking and soiling them. The other day, Jules brought me some roses to my room; in the evening, as I sat alone, thinking of you and of our happiness—yes, at that very moment—my fingers began to [221]fumble with a rose whose petals21 were loose; and, when I saw that one rose dispetalled, there came a cruel frenzy22 within me to tear and destroy them all; and I rumpled23 every one of them. I only give you a small instance, because I do not wish to give you larger instances, from vanity, lest you should know how bad I am. I am afraid of myself. If I saw you again and again and yet again, what should I begin to feel and think and wish, unconsciously? Which would be the stronger, my soul or the beast that is in me? Forgive me for laying bare my dread24 before you and do not despise me for it. Up to the present I have not attempted a struggle, in the sacred world of our happiness. I saw you, I saw you often before I knew you; I guessed you as you were; I was permitted to speak to you; it was given me to love you with my soul alone: I beseech25 you, let it remain so. [222]Let me continue to keep my happiness like this, to keep it sacred, a thousand times sacred. I think it worth while to have lived, now that I have known that: happiness, the highest. And I am afraid of the struggle which would probably come and pollute that sacred thing.
“Will you believe me when I swear to you that I have reflected deeply on all this? Will you believe me when I swear to you that I suffer at the thought of never being permitted to see you again? And, above all, will you forgive me when I swear to you that I am acting26 in this way because I think that I am doing right? Oh, I am grateful to you and I love you as a soul of light alone, of nothing but light!
“Perhaps I am wrong to send you this letter. I do not know. Perhaps presently I will tear up what I have written....” [223]
Yet he had sent her the letter.
There was great bitterness within her. She had struggled once, had conquered herself and, in a sacred moment, had confessed both struggle and conquest; she knew that fate had compelled her to do so; she now knew what she would lose through her confession27. For a short moment, a single evening perhaps, she had been worthy28 of her god and his equal. Now she was so no longer; for this reason also she felt bitter. And she felt bitterest of all because the thought dared to rise within her:
“A god! Is he a god? Is a god afraid of the struggle?”
Then her threefold bitterness changed to despair, black despair, a night which her eyes sought to penetrate29 in order to see something where they saw nothing, nothing; and she moaned low and wrung30 her hands, sinking into a heap before the [224]window and staring at the trams which, with the tinkling of their bells, ran pitilessly to and fro.
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1
frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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humbly
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| adv. 恭顺地，谦卑地 | |
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3
withdrawal
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| n.取回，提款；撤退，撤军；收回，撤销 | |
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4
reverence
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| n.敬畏，尊敬，尊严；Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称；v.尊敬，敬畏，崇敬 | |
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5
ecstasy
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| n.狂喜，心醉神怡，入迷 | |
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6
anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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7
subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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8
tinkling
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| n.丁当作响声 | |
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solitude
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| n. 孤独; 独居,荒僻之地,幽静的地方 | |
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10
fixedly
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| adv.固定地；不屈地，坚定不移地 | |
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everlasting
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| adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的 | |
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12
modulated
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| 已调整[制]的，被调的 | |
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palled
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| v.（因过多或过久而）生厌，感到乏味，厌烦( pall的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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14
rapture
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| n.狂喜；全神贯注；着迷；v.使狂喜 | |
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15
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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16
descend
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| vt./vi.传下来，下来，下降 | |
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procrastinated
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| 拖延，耽搁( procrastinate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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18
boon
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| n.恩赐，恩物，恩惠 | |
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19
confided
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| v.吐露（秘密，心事等）( confide的过去式和过去分词 )；（向某人）吐露（隐私、秘密等） | |
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savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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21
petals
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| n.花瓣( petal的名词复数 ) | |
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22
frenzy
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| n.疯狂，狂热，极度的激动 | |
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23
rumpled
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| v.弄皱，使凌乱( rumple的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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24
dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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25
beseech
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| v.祈求，恳求 | |
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26
acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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27
confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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28
worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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29
penetrate
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| v.透(渗)入；刺入，刺穿；洞察，了解 | |
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30
wrung
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| 绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 )； 握紧（尤指别人的手）； 把（湿衣服）拧干； 绞掉（水） | |
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