Boarding-house Christmases had become an old story. I had learned to accept them, even to those obscure and foreign parts of turkey which are seen only on boarding-house plates, and which would be recognized nowhere else as belonging to that stately bird.
Christmas at Knapf's had been a happy surprise; a day of hearty12 good cheer and kindness. There had even been a Christmas tree, hung with stodgy13 German angels and Pfeffernuesse and pink-frosted cakes. I found myself the bewildered recipient14 of gifts from everyone—from the Knapfs, and the aborigines and even from one of the crushed-looking wives. The aborigine whom they called Fritz had presented me with a huge and imposing15 Lebkuchen, reposing16 in a box with frilled border, ornamented17 with quaint18 little red-and-green German figures in sugar, and labeled Nurnberg in stout19 letters, for it had come all the way from that kuchen-famous city. The Lebkuchen I placed on my mantel shelf as befitted so magnificent a work of art. It was quite too elaborate and imposing to be sent the way of ordinary food, although it had a certain tantalizingly20 spicy21 scent22 that tempted23 one to break off a corner here and there.
On the afternoon of Christmas day I sat down to thank Dr. von Gerhard for the flowers as prettily24 as might be. Also I asked his pardon, a thing not hard to do with the perfume of his roses filling the room.
“For you,” I wrote, “who are so wise in the ways of those tricky25 things called nerves, must know that it was only a mild hysteria that made me say those most unladylike things. I have written Norah all about it. She has replied, advising me to stick to the good-fellow role but not to dress the part. So when next you see me I shall be a perfectly26 safe and sane27 comrade in petticoats. And I promise you—no more outbursts.”
So it happened that on the afternoon of New Year's day Von Gerhard and I gravely wished one another many happy and impossible things for the coming year, looking fairly and squarely into each other's eyes as we did so.
“So,” said Von Gerhard, as one who is satisfied. “The nerfs are steady to-day. What do you say to a brisk walk along the lake shore to put us in a New Year frame of mind, and then a supper down-town somewhere, with a toast to Max and Norah?”
“You've saved my life! Sit down here in the parlor and gaze at the crepe-paper oranges while I powder my nose and get into some street clothes. I have such a story to tell you! It has made me quite contented28 with my lot.”
The story was that of the Nirlangers; and as we struggled against a brisk lake breeze I told it, and partly because of the breeze, and partly because of the story, there were tears in my eyes when I had finished. Von Gerhard stared at me, aghast.
“But you are—crying!” he marveled, watching a tear slide down my nose.
“I'm not,” I retorted. “Anyway I know it. I think I may blubber if I choose to, mayn't I, as well as other women?”
“Blubber?” repeated Von Gerhard, he of the careful and cautious English. “But most certainly, if you wish. I had thought that newspaper women did not indulge in the luxury of tears.”
“They don't—often. Haven't the time. If a woman reporter were to burst into tears every time she saw something to weep over she'd be going about with a red nose and puffy eyelids29 half the time. Scarcely a day passes that does not bring her face to face with human suffering in some form. Not only must she see these things, but she must write of them so that those who read can also see them. And just because she does not wail30 and tear her hair and faint she popularly is supposed to be a flinty, cigarette-smoking creature who rampages up and down the land, seeking whom she may rend31 with her pen and gazing, dry-eyed, upon scenes of horrid32 bloodshed.”
“And yet the little domestic tragedy of the Nirlangers can bring tears to your eyes?”
“Oh, that was quite different. The case of the Nirlangers had nothing to do with Dawn O'Hara, newspaper reporter. It was just plain Dawn O'Hara, woman, who witnessed that little tragedy. Mein Himmel! Are all German husbands like that?”
“Not all. I have a very good friend named Max—”
“O, Max! Max is an angel husband. Fancy Max and Norah waxing tragic33 on the subject of a gown! Now you—”
“I? Come, you are sworn to good-fellowship. As one comrade to another, tell me, what sort of husband do you think I should make, eh? The boorish34 Nirlanger sort, or the charming Max variety. Come, tell me—you who always have seemed so—so damnably able to take care of yourself.” His eyes were twinkling in the maddening way they had.
I looked out across the lake to where a line of white-caps was piling up formidably only to break in futile35 wrath36 against the solid wall of the shore. And there came over me an equally futile wrath; that savage37, unreasoning instinct in women which prompts them to hurt those whom they love.
“Oh, you!” I began, with Von Gerhard's amused eyes laughing down upon me. “I should say that you would be more in the Nirlanger style, in your large, immovable, Germansure way. Not that you would stoop to wrangle38 about money or gowns, but that you would control those things. Your wife will be a placid39, blond, rather plump German Fraulein, of excellent family and no imagination. Men of your type always select negative wives. Twenty years ago she would have run to bring you your Zeitung and your slippers40. She would be that kind, if Zeitung-and-slipper husbands still were in existence. You will be fond of her, in a patronizing sort of way, and she will never know the difference between that and being loved, not having a great deal of imagination, as I have said before. And you will go on becoming more and more famous, and she will grow plumper and more placid, and less and less understanding of what those komisch medical journals have to say so often about her husband who is always discovering things. And you will live happily ever after—”
A hand gripped my shoulder. I looked up, startled, into two blue eyes blazing down into mine. Von Gerhard's face was a painful red. I think that the hand on my shoulder even shook me a little, there on that bleak42 and deserted43 lake drive. I tried to wrench44 my shoulder free with a jerk.
“You are hurting me!” I cried.
A quiver of pain passed over the face that I had thought so calmly unemotional. “You talk of hurts! You, who set out deliberately45 and maliciously46 to make me suffer! How dare you then talk to me like this! You stab with a hundred knives—you, who know how I—”
“I'm sorry,” I put in, contritely47. “Please don't be so dreadful about it. After all, you asked me, didn't you? Perhaps I've hurt your vanity. There, I didn't mean that, either. Oh, dear, let's talk about something impersonal48. We get along wretchedly of late.”
The angry red ebbed49 away from Von Gerhard's face. The blaze of wrath in his eyes gave way to a deeper, brighter light that held me fascinated, and there came to his lips a smile of rare sweetness. The hand that had grasped my shoulder slipped down, down, until it met my hand and gripped it.
“Na, 's ist schon recht, Kindchen. Those that we most care for we would hurt always. When I have told you of my love for you, although already you know it, then you will tell me. Hush50! Do not deny this thing. There shall be no more lies between us. There shall be only the truth, and no more about plump, blonde German wives who run with Zeitung and slippers. After all, it is no secret. Three months ago I told Norah. It was not news to her. But she trusted me.”
I felt my face to be as white and as tense as his own. “Norah—knows!”
“It is better to speak these things. Then there need be no shifting of the eyes, no evasive words, no tricks, no subterfuge51.”
We had faced about and were retracing52 our steps, past the rows of peculiarly home-like houses that line Milwaukee's magnificent lake shore. Windows were hung with holiday scarlet53 and holly54, and here and there a face was visible at a window, looking out at the man and woman walking swiftly along the wind-swept heights that rose far above the lake.
A wretched revolt seized me as I gazed at the substantial comfort of those normal, happy homes.
“Why did you tell me! What good can that do? At least we were make-believe friends before. Suppose I were to tell you that I care, then what.”
“I do not ask you to tell me,” Von Gerhard replied, quietly.
“You need not. You know. You knew long, long ago. You know I love the big quietness of you, and your sureness, and the German way you have of twisting your sentences about, and the steady grip of your great firm hands, and the rareness of your laugh, and the simplicity55 of you. Why I love the very cleanliness of your ruddy skin, and the way your hair grows away from your forehead, and your walk, and your voice and—Oh, what is the use of it all?”
“Just this, Dawn. The light of day sweetens all things. We have dragged this thing out into the sunlight, where, if it grows, it will grow sanely56 and healthily. It was but an ugly, distorted, unsightly thing, sending out pale unhealthy shoots in the dark, unwholesome cellars of our inner consciences. Norah's knowing was the cleanest, sweetest thing about it.”
“How wonderfully you understand her, and how right you are! Her knowing seems to make it as it should be, doesn't it? I am braver already, for the knowledge of it. It shall make no difference between us?”
“There is no difference, Dawn,” said he.
“No. It is only in the story-books that they sigh, and groan57 and utter silly nonsense. We are not like that. Perhaps, after a bit, you will meet some one you care for greatly—not plump, or blond, or German, perhaps, but still—”
“Doch you are flippant?”
“I must say those things to keep the tears back. You would not have me wailing58 here in the street. Tell me just one thing, and there shall be no more fluttering breaths and languishing59 looks. Tell me, when did you begin to care?”
We had reached Knapfs' door-step. The short winter day was already drawing to its close. In the half-light Von Gerhard's eyes glowed luminous60.
“Since the day I first met you at Norah's,” he said, simply.
I stared at him, aghast, my ever-present sense of humor struggling to the surface. “Not—not on that day when you came into the room where I sat in the chair by the window, with a flowered quilt humped about my shoulders! And a fever-sore twisting my mouth! And my complexion61 the color of cheese, and my hair plastered back from my forehead, and my eyes like boiled onions!”
“Thank God for your gift of laughter,” Von Gerhard said, and took my hand in his for one brief moment before he turned and walked away.
Quite prosaically62 I opened the big front door at Knapfs' to find Herr Knapf standing41 in the hallway with his:
“Nabben', Frau Orme.”
And there was the sane and soothing63 scent of Wienerschnitzel and spluttering things in the air. And I ran upstairs to my room and turned on all the lights and looked at the starry-eyed creature in the mirror. Then I took the biggest, newest photograph of Norah from the mantel and looked at her for a long, long minute, while she looked back at me in her brave true way.
“Thank you, dear,” I said to her. “Thank you. Would you think me stagey and silly if I were to kiss you, just once, on your beautiful trusting eyes?”
A telephone bell tinkled64 downstairs and Herr Knapf stationed himself at the foot of the stairs and roared my name.
When I had picked up the receiver: “This is Ernst,” said the voice at the other end of the wire. “I have just remembered that I had asked you down-town for supper.”
“I would rather thank God fasting,” I replied, very softly, and hung the receiver on its hook.
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1
hysterical
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| adj.情绪异常激动的，歇斯底里般的 | |
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atrocities
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| n.邪恶，暴行( atrocity的名词复数 )；滔天大罪 | |
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parlor
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| n.店铺，营业室；会客室，客厅 | |
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discomfort
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| n.不舒服，不安，难过，困难，不方便 | |
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fragrance
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| n.芬芳，香味，香气 | |
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luxurious
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| adj.精美而昂贵的；豪华的 | |
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7
stolid
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| adj.无动于衷的，感情麻木的 | |
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mechanism
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| n.机械装置；机构，结构 | |
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laboriously
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| adv.艰苦地；费力地；辛勤地；（文体等）佶屈聱牙地 | |
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10
scrawled
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| 乱涂，潦草地写( scrawl的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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11
doting
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| adj.溺爱的，宠爱的 | |
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hearty
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| adj.热情友好的；衷心的；尽情的，纵情的 | |
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13
stodgy
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| adj.易饱的；笨重的；滞涩的；古板的 | |
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14
recipient
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| a.接受的,感受性强的 n.接受者,感受者,容器 | |
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imposing
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| adj.使人难忘的，壮丽的，堂皇的，雄伟的 | |
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16
reposing
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| v.将（手臂等）靠在某人（某物）上( repose的现在分词 ) | |
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17
ornamented
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| adj.花式字体的v.装饰，点缀，美化( ornament的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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18
quaint
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| adj.古雅的，离奇有趣的，奇怪的 | |
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20
tantalizingly
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| adv.…得令人着急，…到令人着急的程度 | |
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21
spicy
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| adj.加香料的；辛辣的，有风味的 | |
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22
scent
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| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
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23
tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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24
prettily
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| adv.优美地；可爱地 | |
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25
tricky
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| adj.狡猾的，奸诈的；(工作等)棘手的，微妙的 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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sane
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| adj.心智健全的，神志清醒的，明智的，稳健的 | |
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28
contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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29
eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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30
wail
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| vt./vi.大声哀号，恸哭；呼啸，尖啸 | |
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31
rend
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| vt.把…撕开，割裂；把…揪下来，强行夺取 | |
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32
horrid
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| adj.可怕的；令人惊恐的；恐怖的；极讨厌的 | |
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33
tragic
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| adj.悲剧的，悲剧性的，悲惨的 | |
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34
boorish
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| adj.粗野的，乡巴佬的 | |
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35
futile
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| adj.无效的，无用的，无希望的 | |
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36
wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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38
wrangle
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| vi.争吵 | |
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39
placid
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| adj.安静的，平和的 | |
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40
slippers
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| n. 拖鞋 | |
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41
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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42
bleak
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| adj.(天气)阴冷的；凄凉的；暗淡的 | |
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43
deserted
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| adj.荒芜的，荒废的，无人的，被遗弃的 | |
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44
wrench
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| v.猛拧；挣脱；使扭伤；n.扳手；痛苦，难受 | |
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45
deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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46
maliciously
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| adv.有敌意地 | |
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47
contritely
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48
impersonal
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| adj.无个人感情的，与个人无关的，非人称的 | |
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49
ebbed
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| （指潮水）退( ebb的过去式和过去分词 )； 落； 减少； 衰落 | |
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50
hush
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| int.嘘，别出声；n.沉默，静寂；v.使安静 | |
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51
subterfuge
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| n.诡计；藉口 | |
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52
retracing
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| v.折回( retrace的现在分词 )；回忆；回顾；追溯 | |
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53
scarlet
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| n.深红色，绯红色，红衣；adj.绯红色的 | |
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54
holly
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| n.[植]冬青属灌木 | |
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55
simplicity
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| n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯 | |
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56
sanely
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| ad.神志清楚地 | |
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57
groan
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| vi./n.呻吟，抱怨；(发出)呻吟般的声音 | |
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58
wailing
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| v.哭叫，哀号( wail的现在分词 )；沱 | |
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59
languishing
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| a. 衰弱下去的 | |
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60
luminous
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| adj.发光的，发亮的；光明的；明白易懂的；有启发的 | |
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61
complexion
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| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
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62
prosaically
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| adv.无聊地；乏味地；散文式地；平凡地 | |
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63
soothing
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| adj.慰藉的；使人宽心的；镇静的 | |
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64
tinkled
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| （使）发出丁当声，（使）发铃铃声( tinkle的过去式和过去分词 )； 叮当响着发出，铃铃响着报出 | |
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