Bertha was in the parlor5 alone. When Arbuthnot entered he found her standing6 in the middle of the room, looking down at the roses on her gayly painted fan, and evidently not seeing them.
"Well," he began, by way of greeting, "I hope you have been enjoying yourself—with your senators."
She looked up, and made a quick, eager little movement toward him, as if she was more glad to see him than usual.
"Ah!" she exclaimed. "I believe I was wishing you would come."
"Thank you," he said; "but the compliment would be greater if you were sure of it."
"I think I am sure of it, now you are here," she answered, "though I don't know at all why I wanted you—unless it was to tell you that I have not been enjoying myself in the least—with my senators."
"I am delighted to hear it," he replied. "Nothing could please me better. They are always too numerous, and lately one is continually meeting them on the steps and being scowled7 at."
She shut her fan quickly, with a slight frown.
[Pg 130]
"Why scowled at?" she said. "That would be absurd enough."
"Absurd or not," he laughed, "it is true."
But, notwithstanding his laugh, there was no change in her face he did not see.
They had seated themselves by this time, and Bertha was looking at her fan again, and opening and shutting it slowly.
"They are not my senators," she said. "They are Richard's, and—I am getting a little tired of them, though I should not like to tell him so. When it is warm, as it is to-day, I am very tired of them."
"I should not think it at all improbable," remarked Arbuthnot, dryly. "It has struck me that it would be necessary for the mercury to be several degrees below zero before you would find the one who went out just now, for instance, especially exhilarating."
"He is not exhilarating at all," she said. "Richard likes him," she added, a moment afterward8. "I don't know exactly why, but he really seems to admire him. They are quite intimate. I think the acquaintance began through some law business he gave him in connection with the Westoria lands. I have tried to like him on Richard's account. You must remember," she said, with a smile, "I first tried to like you on Richard's account."
"I hope you succeeded better than you will with Planefield," he said.
"I might succeed with him if I persevered9 long enough," she answered. "The difficulty lies in the perseverance10. Richard says I would make a good lobbyist, but I am sure I should not. I could not be persistently11 amiable12 and entertaining to people who tired me."
"Don't deplore13 your deficiencies until it becomes necessary for you to enter the profession," said Arbuthnot. "I don't like to hear you speak of it," he added, with a touch of sharpness.
[Pg 131]
"I don't deplore them," said Bertha. "And it is only one of my little jokes. But, if the fortunes of the Westoria lands depended on me, I am afraid they would be a dismal14 failure."
"As they don't depend on you," he remarked, "doesn't it occur to you that you might as well leave them to Senator Planefield? I must confess it has presented itself to me in that light."
"It is rather odd," she said, in a tone of reflection, "that though I have nothing whatever to do with them, they actually seem to have detained me in town for the last two weeks."
"It is quite time you went away," said Arbuthnot.
"I know that," she answered. "And I feel it more every day."
She raised her eyes suddenly to his.
"Laurence," she said, "I am not well. Don't tell Richard, but I think I am not well at all. I—I am restless and nervous—and—and morbid15. I am actually morbid. Things trouble me which never troubled me before. Sometimes I lose all respect for myself. You know I always was rather proud of my self-control. I am not quite as proud of it as I used to be. About two weeks ago I—I positively16 lost my temper."
He did not laugh, as she had been half-afraid he would. His manner was rather quiet; on the contrary—it was as if what she said struck him as being worth listening to with some degree of serious attention, though his reply was not exactly serious.
"I hope you had sufficient reason," he said.
"No," she answered. "I had no reason at all, which makes it all the more humiliating. I think I have been rather irritable17 for a month or two. I have allowed myself to—to be disturbed by things which were really of no consequence, and I have taken offence at things and—and—resented trifles, and it was the merest trifle which made me lose my temper—yes, actually lose my temper, and say what I did not intend to say, in the[Pg 132] most open and abject19 manner. What could be more abject than to say things you did not intend to say? You know I never was given to that kind of thing."
"No," he responded, "it cannot be said that you were."
"It was so—so revolting to me after it was over," she went on, "that it seemed to make me more weak-minded than ever. When you once give way to your emotions it is all going down-hill—you do it again and again. I never did it before, but I have been on the verge20 of doing it two or three times since."
"Don't go any farther than the verge," he said.
"I don't intend to," she answered. "I don't like even the verge. I resent it with all my strength. I should like to invent some kind of horrible torture to pay myself for—for what I did."
He was watching her very closely, but she was not aware of it. She had arrested his attention completely enough by this time, and the fact made itself evident in his intent and rather startled expression.
"I hope it was nothing very serious," he said.
"It was serious enough for me," she replied. "Nobody else was hurt, but it was serious enough for me—the mere18 knowing that for a few minutes I had lost my hold on myself. I didn't like it—I didn't like it!"
There was an intensity21 in her manner, in her voice, in her face, in her very figure itself, which was curiously22 disproportionate to her words. She leaned forward a little, and laid her small, clenched23 hand upon her knee.
"In all my life," she said, slowly,—"in all my life, I have never had a feeling which was as strong as myself. I have been that fortunate. I have been angry, but never so angry that I could not seem perfectly24 still and calm; I have been happy, but never so happy that I could not have hidden it if I chose; I have been unhappy—for a moment or so—but never so unhappy that I had the horrible anguish25 of being found out. I am not capable of strong, real emotions, I am too[Pg 133] shallow and—and light. I have been light all my life, and I will be light until the end.
"Only the children could make me suffer, really," she said after it,—"only the children, and all women are like that. Through Janey, or Jack26, or Meg, my heart could be torn in two, if they were in pain, or badly treated, or taken from me,—that is nothing but common nature; but nothing else could hurt me so that I should cry out—nothing and nobody—not even Richard!"
She stopped herself, and opened her fan again.
"There!" she exclaimed. "Why did I say so much then, and say it so vehemently27, as if it was of consequence? Nothing is of consequence—nothing, nothing!" And she laughed, and rose and began to take up and set down again some trifles on the mantel.
Arbuthnot still watched her.
"No," he said, "you are quite right; nothing is of consequence really, and the sooner one learns that, the better for one's peace of mind. The worst pain you could have to bear could not last you more than a few score years, and you would get used to it in that time; the greatest happiness you could yearn28 for would not last any longer, and you would get tired of it in time, too."
"Tired of it!" she echoed. "One could tire of anything in threescore years and ten. How tired one must be of one's self before it is over—how tired! how tired!" and she threw up her hands in a sudden, desperate gesture.
"No," he answered, in a tone whose level coolness was a forcible contrast to her own. "Not necessarily, if one doesn't expect too much. If we take things for what they are worth, and don't let ourselves be deceived by them, there is plenty of rational entertainment to be had by the way. We mayn't like it quite as well as what we set out with expecting, but we can manage to subsist29 upon it. I hope I am logical. I know I am not eloquent30." He said it bitterly.
"No," she returned, without looking at him, "you[Pg 134] are not eloquent, perhaps, but you are speaking the truth—and I like to hear it. I want to hear it. It is good for me. It is always good for people to hear the truth; the bare, unvarnished, unadorned truth. Go on."
"If I go on," he said, still bitterly, "I shall begin to drag myself in, and I don't care to do it. It is natural that I should feel the temptation. I never knew the man yet who could talk in this strain and not drag himself in."
"Drag yourself in as much as you like," she said, even fiercely, "and be an example to me."
"I should be example enough if I said all I could," he replied. "Am I a happy man?"
She turned, and for a moment they looked into each other's eyes; his were stern, hard, and miserable31.
"No," she cried out, "you are not. No one is happy in the world!" And she dropped her face upon her hands as she leaned upon the mantel.
"I might have been happier if I had begun right, I suppose," he said.
"Begun!" she repeated. "Does any one ever begin right? One ought to begin at the end and go backward, and then one might make something of it all."
"I didn't make much of it," he said. "I was not as wise as you. I began with emotions, and follies32, and fires,—and the rest of it, and the enjoyment33 I derived from them was scarcely what I anticipated it would be. The emotions didn't last, and the follies didn't pay, and the fires burnt out—and that was the worst of all. And they always do—and that is worse still. It is in the nature of things. Look at that grate," pointing to it. "It looked different a week ago, when we had a rainy night and sat around it. We could have burned ourselves at it then if we had been feeble-minded enough to try it; we couldn't do it now; and yet a few days ago it was hot enough. The fire has burned out, and even the ashes are gone."
[Pg 135]
She stooped down, picked up her fan, and reseated herself upon the sofa. She did not look quite like herself,—her face was very pale but for the two red spots Tredennis had seen on her cheeks when her display of feeling had startled him; but all at once a change had taken place in her manner. There was a sort of deadly stillness in it.
"We are a long way from my temper," she said,—"a long way."
"Yes," he replied, "about as far as we could get in the space of time allowed us; and we have been a trifle emotional."
"And it was my fault," she continued. "Isn't it time I went somewhere cool and bracing34? I think you must admit it is."
"Yes," he said, "it is time. Take my advice, and go."
"I'll go," she said, steadily35, "the day after to-morrow. And I'll not go to Fortress36 Monroe. I'll go into the mountains of Virginia,—to a farm-house I know of, where one has forests, and silence, and nature—and nothing else. I'll take the children, and live out-of-doors with them, and read to them, and talk to them, and sew for them when I want anything to do. I always was happy and natural when I was sewing and doing things for them. I like it. Living in that simple, natural way, and having the children with me, will rest and cure me if anything will on earth; the children always—the children"—
She stopped and sat perfectly still; her voice had broken, and she had turned her face a little away.
Arbuthnot got up. He stood a moment, as he always did before going, but he did not look directly at her, though he did not seem to avoid her in his glance.
"It is the best thing you can do," he said,—"the very best thing. You will be thoroughly37 rested when you come home, and that is what you need. I will go[Pg 136] now; I hear Richard, and I want to speak to him alone."
And by the time the door opened and Richard stood on the threshold, he had reached him and turned him around, throwing his arm boyishly over his shoulder.
"You are just in time," he said. "Take me into the museum, or the library. I want to have a confidential38 chat with you."
And they went out together.
点击
收听单词发音
收听单词发音 |
1
complexion
|
|
| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
2
grudging
|
|
| adj.勉强的，吝啬的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
3
candidly
|
|
| adv.坦率地，直率而诚恳地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
4
derived
|
|
| vi.起源；由来；衍生；导出v.得到( derive的过去式和过去分词 )；（从…中）得到获得；源于；（从…中）提取 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
5
parlor
|
|
| n.店铺，营业室；会客室，客厅 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
6
standing
|
|
| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
7
scowled
|
|
| 怒视，生气地皱眉( scowl的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
8
afterward
|
|
| adv.后来；以后 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
9
persevered
|
|
| v.坚忍，坚持( persevere的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
10
perseverance
|
|
| n.坚持不懈，不屈不挠 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
11
persistently
|
|
| ad.坚持地；固执地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
12
amiable
|
|
| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
13
deplore
|
|
| vt.哀叹，对...深感遗憾 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
14
dismal
|
|
| adj.阴沉的，凄凉的，令人忧郁的，差劲的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
15
morbid
|
|
| adj.病的；致病的；病态的；可怕的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
16
positively
|
|
| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
17
irritable
|
|
| adj.急躁的；过敏的；易怒的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
18
mere
|
|
| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
19
abject
|
|
| adj.极可怜的，卑屈的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
20
verge
|
|
| n.边，边缘；v.接近，濒临 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
21
intensity
|
|
| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
22
curiously
|
|
| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
23
clenched
|
|
| v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
24
perfectly
|
|
| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
25
anguish
|
|
| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
26
jack
|
|
| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
27
vehemently
|
|
| adv. 热烈地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
28
yearn
|
|
| v.想念；怀念；渴望 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
29
subsist
|
|
| vi.生存，存在，供养 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
30
eloquent
|
|
| adj.雄辩的，口才流利的；明白显示出的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
31
miserable
|
|
| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
32
follies
|
|
| 罪恶，时事讽刺剧； 愚蠢，蠢笨，愚蠢的行为、思想或做法( folly的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
33
enjoyment
|
|
| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
34
bracing
|
|
| adj.令人振奋的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
35
steadily
|
|
| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
36
fortress
|
|
| n.堡垒，防御工事 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
37
thoroughly
|
|
| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
38
confidential
|
|
| adj.秘（机）密的，表示信任的，担任机密工作的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
| 欢迎访问英文小说网 |