During the hot days and nights of the next few weeks Tredennis found life rather a dreary1 affair. Gradually the familiar faces he met on the avenue became fewer and fewer; the houses he knew one after another assumed their air of summer desertion, offering as their only evidences of life an occasional colored servant sunning him or herself on the steps; the crowds of nursery-maids, with their charges, thinned out in the parks, and the freshness of the leaves was lost under a coating of dust, while the countenances2 of those for whom there was no prospect3 of relief expressed either a languid sense of injury or the patience of despair.
"But, after all," Tredennis said, on two or three occasions, as he sat in one of the parks in the evening,—"after all, I suppose most of them have—an object," adding the last two words with a faint smile.
He was obliged to confess to himself that of late he found that the work which he had regarded as his object had ceased to satisfy him. He gave his attention to it with stern persistence4, and refused to spare himself when he found his attention wandering; he even undertook additional labor5, writing in his moments of leisure several notable articles upon various important questions of the day, and yet he had time left to hang heavily on his hands and fill him with weariness; and at last there came an evening when, after sitting in one of the parks until the lamps were lighted, he rose suddenly from his seat, and spoke6 as if to the silence and shadow about him.
"Why should I try to hide the truth from myself?" he said. "It is too late for that. I may as well face it like a man, and bear it like one. Many a brave [Pg 160]fellow has carried a bullet in his body down to his grave, and seldom winced7. This is something like that, I suppose, only that pain"—And he drew a sharp, hard breath, and walked away down the deserted8 path without ending the sentence.
He made a struggle after this to resist one poor temptation which beset9 him daily,—the temptation to pass through the street in which stood the familiar house, with its drawn10 blinds and closed doors. Sometimes, when he rose in the morning, he was so filled with an unreasoning yearning11 for a sight of its blankness that he was overwhelmed by it, and went out before he breakfasted.
"It is weakness and self-indulgence," he would say; "but it is a very little thing, and it can hurt no one—it is only a little thing, after all." And he found a piteous pleasure—at which at first he tried to smile, but at which before long he ceased even to try to smile—in the slow walk down the street, on which he could see this window or that, and remember some day when he had caught a glimpse of Bertha through it, or some night he had spent in the room within when she had been gayer than usual, or quieter,—when she had given him some new wound, perhaps, or when she had half-healed an old one in some mood of relenting he had not understood.
"There is no reason why I should understand any woman," was his simple thought. "And why should I understand her, unless she chose to let me? She is like no other woman."
He was quite sure of this. In his thoughts of her he found every word and act of hers worth remembering and even repeating mentally again and again for the sake of the magnetic grace which belonged only to herself, and it never once occurred to him that his own deep sympathy and tender fancy might brighten all she did.
"When she speaks," he thought, "how the dullest of them stir and listen! When she moves across a room, how natural it is to turn and look at her, and be [Pg 161]interested in what she is going to do! What life I have seen her put in some poor, awkward wretch12 by only seating herself near him and speaking to him of some common thing! One does not know what her gift is, and whether it is well for her or ill that it was given her, but one sees it in the simplest thing she does."
It was hard to avoid giving himself up to such thoughts as these, and when he most needed refuge from them he always sought it in the society of the professor; so there were few evenings when he did not spend an hour or so with him, and their friendship grew and waxed strong until there could scarcely have been a closer bond between them.
About two weeks after Richard Amory's departure, making his call later than usual one evening, he met, coming down the steps, Mr. Arbuthnot, who stopped, with his usual civility, to shake hands with him.
"It is some weeks since we have crossed each other's paths, colonel," he said, scrutinizing13 him rather closely: "and, in the meantime, I am afraid you have not been well."
"Amory called my attention to the fact a short time ago," responded Tredennis, "and so did the professor. So, perhaps, there is some truth in it. I hadn't noticed it myself."
"You will presently, I assure you," said Arbuthnot, still regarding him with an air of interest. "Perhaps Washington doesn't agree with you. I have heard of people who couldn't stand it. They usually called it malaria14, but I think there was generally something"—He checked himself somewhat abruptly15, which was a rather unusual demonstration16 on his part, as it was his habit to weigh his speech with laudable care and deliberation. "You are going to see the professor?" he inquired.
"Yes," answered Tredennis.
The idea was presenting itself to his mind that there was a suggestion of something unusual in the questioner's[Pg 162] manner; that it was not so entirely17 serene18 as was customary; that there was even a hint of some inward excitement strong enough to be repressed only by an effort. And the consciousness of this impressed itself upon him even while a flow of light talk went on, and Arbuthnot smiled at him from his upper step.
"I have been to see the professor, too," he was saying, "and I felt it was something of an audacity19. His invitations to me have always been of the most general nature; but I thought I would take the liberty of pretending that I fancied he regarded them seriously. He was very good to me, and exhibited wonderful presence of mind in not revealing that he was surprised to see me. I tried not to stay long enough to tire him, and he was sufficiently20 amiable21 to ask me to come again. He evidently appreciated the desolation of my circumstances."
"You are finding it dull?" said Tredennis.
"Dull!" repeated Arbuthnot. "Yes; I think you might call it dull. The people who kindly22 condescend23 to notice me in the winter have gone away, and my dress-coat is packed in camphor. I have ceased to be useful; and, even if Fate had permitted me to be ornamental24, where should I air my charms? There seems really no reason why I should exist, until next winter, when I may be useful again, and receive in return my modicum25 of entertainment. To be merely a superior young man in a department is not remunerative26 in summer, as one ceases to glean27 the results of one's superiority. At present I might as well be inferior, and neither dance, nor talk, nor sing, and be utterly28 incapacitated by nature for either carrying wraps or picking up handkerchiefs; and you cannot disport29 yourself at the watering-places of the rich and great on a salary of a hundred dollars a month; and you could only get your sordid30 'month's leave,' if such a thing were possible."
"I—have been dull myself," said Tredennis, hesitantly.
"If it should ever occur to you to drop in and see a[Pg 163] fellow-sufferer," said Arbuthnot, "it would relieve the monotony of my lot, at least, and might awaken31 in me some generous emotions."
Tredennis looked up at him.
"It never has occurred to you so far, I see," was Arbuthnot's light reply to the look; "but, if it should, don't resist the impulse. I can assure you it is a laudable one. And my humble32 apartment has the advantage of comparative coolness."
When Tredennis entered the library he found the professor sitting in his usual summer seat, near the window. A newspaper lay open on his knee, but he was not reading it; he seemed, indeed, to have fallen into a reverie of a rather puzzling kind.
"Did you meet any one as you came in?" he asked of Tredennis, as soon as they had exchanged greetings.
"I met Mr. Arbuthnot," Tredennis answered, "and stopped a few moments on the steps to talk to him."
"He has been entertaining me for the last hour," said the professor, taking off his glasses and beginning to polish them. "Now, will you tell me," he asked, with his quiet air of reflective inquiry33 into an interesting subject,—"will you tell me why he comes to entertain me?"
"He gave me the impression," answered Tredennis, "that his object in coming was that you might entertain him, and he added that you were very good to him, and he appeared to have enjoyed his call very much."
"That is his way," responded the professor, impartially34. "And a most agreeable way it is. To be born with such a way as a natural heritage is to be a social millionnaire. And the worst of it is, that it may be a gift entirely apart from all morals and substantial virtues35. Bertha has it. I don't know where she got it. Not from me, and not from her poor mother. I say it may be apart from all morals and substantial virtues. I don't say it always is. I haven't at all made up my mind what attributes go along with it in Arbuthnot's[Pg 164] case. I should like to decide. But it would be an agreeable way in a criminal of the deepest dye. It is certainly agreeable that he should in some subtle manner be able to place me in the picturesque36 attitude of a dignified37 and entertaining host. I didn't entertain him at all," he added, simply. "I sat and listened to him."
"He is frequently well worth listening to," commented Tredennis.
"He was well worth listening to this evening," said the professor. "And yet he was light enough. He had two or three English periodicals under his arm,—one of them was 'Punch,'—and—and I found myself laughing quite heartily38 over it. And then there was something about a new comic opera, and he seemed to know the libretto39 by heart, and ran over an air or so on the piano. And he had been reading a new book, and was rather clever about it—in his way, of course, but still it was cleverness. And then he went to the piano again and sang a captivating little love-song very well, and, after it, got up and said good-night—and on the whole I regretted it. I liked his pictures, I liked his opera, I liked his talk of the book, and I liked his little love-song. And how should he know that an old dry-bones would like a tender little ballad40 and be touched by it, and pleased because his sentiment was discovered and pandered41 to? Oh, it is the old story. It's his way—it's the way."
"I am beginning to think," said Tredennis, slowly, "that 'his way' might be called sympathy and good feeling and fine tact42, if one wanted to be specially43 fair to him."
The professor looked up rather quickly.
"I thought you did not like him," he said.
Tredennis paused a moment, looking down at the carpet as if deliberating.
"I don't think I do," he said at length; "but it's no fault of his—the fault lies in me. I haven't the way, and I am at a disadvantage with him. He is never at a[Pg 165] loss, and I am; he is ready-witted and self-possessed; I am slow and rigid44, and I suppose it is human that I should try to imagine at times that I am at a disadvantage only because my virtues are more solid than his. They are not more solid; they are only more clumsy and less available."
"You don't spare yourself," said the professor.
"Why should I spare myself?" said Tredennis, knitting his brows. "After all, he never spares himself. He knows better. He would be just to me. Why should I let him place me at a disadvantage again by being unjust to him? And why should we insist that the only good qualities are those which are unornamental? It is a popular fallacy. We like to believe it. It is very easy to suspect a man of being shallow because we are sure we are deep and he is unlike us. This Arbuthnot"—
"'This Arbuthnot,'" interposed the professor, with a smile. "It is curious enough to hear you entering upon a defence of 'this Arbuthnot.' You don't like him, Philip. You don't like him."
"I don't like myself," said Tredennis, "when I am compared with him; and I don't like the tendency I discover in myself, the tendency to disparage45 him. I should like to be fair to him, and I find it difficult."
"Upon my word," said the professor, "it is rather fine in you to make the effort, but"—giving him one of the old admiring looks—"you are always rather fine, Philip."
"It would be finer, sir," said Tredennis, coloring, "if it were not an effort."
"No," said the professor, quietly, "it would not be half so fine." And he put out his hand and let it rest upon the arm of the chair in which Tredennis sat, and so it rested as long as their talk went on.
In the meantime Arbuthnot walked rather slowly down the street, quite conscious of finding it necessary to make something of an effort to compose himself. It[Pg 166] was his recognition of this necessity which had caused him to change his first intention of returning to his bachelor apartment after having made his call upon Professor Herrick. And he felt the necessity all the more strongly after his brief encounter with Colonel Tredennis.
"I will go into the park and think it over," he said to himself. "I'll give myself time."
He turned into Lafayette Park, found a quiet seat, and took out a very excellent cigar. He was not entirely surprised to see that, as he held the match to it, his hand was not as steady as usual. Tredennis had thought him a little pale.
The subject of his reflections, as he smoked his cigar, was a comparatively trivial incident; taken by itself, but he had not taken it by itself, because in a flash it had connected itself with a score of others, which at the times of their occurring had borne no significance whatever to him.
His visit to the professor had not been made without reasons; but they had been such reasons as, simply stated to the majority of his ordinary acquaintance, would have been received with open amazement46 or polite discredit47, and this principally because they were such very simple reasons indeed. If such persons had been told that, finding himself without any vestige48 of entertainment, he had wandered in upon the professor as a last resource, or that he had wished to ask of him some trivial favor, or that he had made his call without any reason whatever, they would have felt such a state of affairs probable enough; but being informed that while sitting in the easiest of chairs, in the coolest possible negligée, reading an agreeable piece of light literature, and smoking a cigar before his open window, he had caught sight of the professor at his window, sitting with his head resting on his hand, and being struck vaguely49 by some air of desolateness50 and lassitude in the solitary51 old figure, had calmly laid aside book and cigar,[Pg 167] had put himself into conventional attire52, and had walked across the street with no other intention than that of making the best of gifts of entertainment it was certainly not his habit to overvalue,—those to whom the explanation had been made would have taken the liberty of feeling it somewhat insufficient53, and would, in nine cases out of ten, privately54 have provided themselves with a more complicated one, cautiously insuring themselves against imposture55 by rejecting at the outset the simple and unvarnished truth.
Upon the whole, the visit had been a success. On entering, it is true, he found himself called upon to admire the rapidity with which the professor recovered from his surprise at seeing him; but, as he had not been deluded56 by any hope that his first appearance would awaken unmistakable delight, he managed to make the best of the situation. His opening remarks upon the subject of the weather were not altogether infelicitous57, and then he produced his late number of "Punch," and the professor laughed, and, the ice being broken, conversation flourished, and there was no further difficulty. He discovered, somewhat to his surprise, that he was in better conversational58 trim than usual.
"It is a delusive59 condition to be in," he explained to the professor; "but experience has taught me not to be taken in by it and expect future development. It won't continue, as you no doubt suspect. It is the result of entire social stagnation60 for several weeks. I am merely letting off all my fireworks at once, inspired to the improvidence61 by your presence. I am a poor creature, as you know; but even a poor creature is likely to suffer from an idea a day. The mental accumulations of this summer, carefully economized62, will support me in penury63 during the entire ensuing season. I only conjure64 you not to betray me when you hear me repeat the same things by instalments at Mrs. Amory's evenings."
And, saying it, he saw the professor's face change in some subtle way as he looked at him. What there was[Pg 168] in this look and change to make him conscious of an inward start he could not have told. It was the merest lifting of the lids, combined with an almost imperceptible movement of the muscles about the mouth; and yet he found it difficult to avoid pausing for a moment. But he accomplished65 the feat66, and felt he had reason to be rather proud of it. "Though what there is to startle him in my mention of Mrs. Amory's evenings," he reflected, "it would require an intellect to explain."
Being somewhat given to finding entertainment in quiet speculation67 upon passing events, he would doubtless have given some attention to the incident, even if it had remained a solitary unexplained and mystifying trifle. But it was not left to stand alone in his mind.
It was not fifteen minutes before, in drawing his handkerchief from his breast-pocket, he accidentally drew forth68 with it a letter, which fell upon the newspaper lying upon the professor's lap, and for a moment rested there with the address upward.
And the instant he glanced from the pretty feminine envelope to the professor's face Arbuthnot recognized the fact that something altogether unexpected had occurred again.
As he had looked from the envelope to the professor, so the professor looked from the envelope to him. Then he picked the letter up and returned it.
"It is a letter," Arbuthnot began,—"a letter"—and paused ignominiously69.
"Yes," said the professor, as if he had lost something of his own gentle self-possession. "I see it is a letter."
It was not a happy remark, nor did Arbuthnot feel his own next effort a particularly successful one.
"It is a letter from Mrs. Amory," he said. "She is kind enough to write to me occasionally."
"Yes," responded the professor. "I saw that it was from Bertha. Her hand is easily recognized."
"It is an unusual hand," said Arbuthnot. "And her letters are very like herself. When it occurs to her to[Pg 169] remember me—which doesn't happen as frequently as I could wish—I consider myself fortunate. She writes as she talks, and very few people do that."
He ended with a greater degree of composure than he had begun with, but to his surprise he felt that his pulses had quickened, and that there had risen to his face a touch of warmth suggestive of some increase of color, and he did not enjoy the sensation. He began to open the letter.
"Shall I"—he said, and then suddenly stopped.
He knew why he had stopped, but the professor did not, and to make the pause and return the letter to its envelope and its place in his pocket without an explanation required something like hardihood.
"She is well, and seems to be taking advantage of the opportunity to rest," he said, and picked up his "Punch" again, returning to his half-finished comment upon its cartoon as if no interruption had taken place.
As he sat on his seat in the park, apparently70 given up to undivided enjoyment71 of his cigar, his mind was filled with a tumult72 of thought. He had not been under the influence of such mental excitement for years. Suddenly he found himself confronting a revelation perfectly73 astounding74 to him.
"And so I am the man!" he said, at last. "I am the man!"
He took his cigar out of his mouth and looked at the end of it with an air of deliberate reflection, as is the masculine habit.
"It doesn't say much for me," he added, "that I never once suspected it—not once."
Then he replaced his cigar, with something like a sigh.
"We are a blind lot," he said.
He did not feel the situation a pleasant one; there were circumstances under which he would have resented it with a vigor75 and happy ingenuity76 of resource which would have stood him in good stead; but there was no[Pg 170] resentment77 in his present mood. From the moment the truth had dawned upon him, he had treated it without even the most indirect reference to his own very natural feelings, and there had been more sacrifice of himself and his own peculiarities78 in his action when he had returned the letter to his pocket than even he himself realized.
"It was not the letter to show him," was his thought. "She does not know how much she tells me. He would have understood it as I do."
He went over a good deal of ground mentally as he sat in the deepening dusk, and he thought clearly and dispassionately, as was his habit when he allowed himself to think at all. By the time he had arrived at his conclusions it was quite dark. Then he threw the end of his last cigar away and arose, and there was no denying that he was pale still, and wore a curiously79 intense expression.
"If there is one thing neither man nor devil can put a stop to," he said, "it is an experience such as that. It will go on to one of two ends,—it will kill her, or she will kill it. The wider of the mark they shoot, the easier for her; and as for me," he added, with a rather faint and dreary smile, "perhaps it suits me well enough to be merely an alleviating80 circumstance. It's all I'm good for. Let them think as they please."
And he brushed an atom of cigar-ash from his sleeve with his rather too finely feminine hand, and walked away.
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1
dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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countenances
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| n.面容( countenance的名词复数 )；表情；镇静；道义支持 | |
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prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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persistence
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| n.坚持，持续，存留 | |
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5
labor
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| n.劳动，努力，工作，劳工；分娩；vi.劳动，努力，苦干；vt.详细分析；麻烦 | |
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6
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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winced
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| 赶紧避开，畏缩( wince的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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deserted
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| adj.荒芜的，荒废的，无人的，被遗弃的 | |
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beset
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| v.镶嵌；困扰，包围 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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yearning
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| a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的 | |
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wretch
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| n.可怜的人，不幸的人；卑鄙的人 | |
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13
scrutinizing
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| v.仔细检查，详审( scrutinize的现在分词 ) | |
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14
malaria
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| n.疟疾 | |
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abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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demonstration
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| n.表明，示范，论证，示威 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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serene
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| adj. 安详的，宁静的，平静的 | |
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audacity
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| n.大胆，卤莽，无礼 | |
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sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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amiable
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| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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condescend
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| v.俯就，屈尊；堕落，丢丑 | |
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ornamental
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| adj.装饰的；作装饰用的；n.装饰品；观赏植物 | |
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modicum
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| n.少量，一小份 | |
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remunerative
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| adj.有报酬的 | |
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glean
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| v.收集(消息、资料、情报等) | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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disport
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| v.嬉戏，玩 | |
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sordid
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| adj.肮脏的，不干净的，卑鄙的，暗淡的 | |
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awaken
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| vi.醒，觉醒；vt.唤醒，使觉醒，唤起，激起 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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impartially
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| adv.公平地，无私地 | |
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virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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picturesque
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| adj.美丽如画的，（语言）生动的，绘声绘色的 | |
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dignified
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| a.可敬的，高贵的 | |
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heartily
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| adv.衷心地，诚恳地，十分，很 | |
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libretto
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| n.歌剧剧本，歌曲歌词 | |
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ballad
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| n.歌谣，民谣，流行爱情歌曲 | |
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41
pandered
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| v.迎合（他人的低级趣味或淫欲）( pander的过去式和过去分词 )；纵容某人；迁就某事物 | |
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tact
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| n.机敏，圆滑，得体 | |
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specially
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| adv.特定地；特殊地；明确地 | |
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rigid
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| adj.严格的，死板的；刚硬的，僵硬的 | |
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disparage
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| v.贬抑，轻蔑 | |
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46
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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discredit
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| vt.使不可置信；n.丧失信义；不信，怀疑 | |
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vestige
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| n.痕迹，遗迹，残余 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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desolateness
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| 孤独 | |
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solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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attire
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| v.穿衣，装扮[同]array；n.衣着；盛装 | |
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insufficient
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| adj.(for，of)不足的，不够的 | |
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privately
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| adv.以私人的身份，悄悄地，私下地 | |
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imposture
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| n.冒名顶替，欺骗 | |
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deluded
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| v.欺骗，哄骗( delude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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infelicitous
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| adj.不适当的 | |
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conversational
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| adj.对话的，会话的 | |
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delusive
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| adj.欺骗的，妄想的 | |
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stagnation
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| n. 停滞 | |
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improvidence
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| n.目光短浅 | |
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economized
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| v.节省，减少开支( economize的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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penury
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| n.贫穷，拮据 | |
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conjure
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| v.恳求，祈求；变魔术，变戏法 | |
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accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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feat
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| n.功绩；武艺，技艺；adj.灵巧的，漂亮的，合适的 | |
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speculation
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| n.思索，沉思；猜测；投机 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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ignominiously
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| adv.耻辱地，屈辱地，丢脸地 | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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tumult
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| n.喧哗；激动，混乱；吵闹 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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astounding
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| adj.使人震惊的vt.使震惊，使大吃一惊astound的现在分词) | |
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vigor
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| n.活力，精力，元气 | |
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ingenuity
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| n.别出心裁；善于发明创造 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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peculiarities
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| n. 特质, 特性, 怪癖, 古怪 | |
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curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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alleviating
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| 减轻，缓解，缓和( alleviate的现在分词 ) | |
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