“THERE are,” writes the learned Winckler in his History of Love, “erotic adventures, or misadventures, which do not arise from any real emotion between the two people immediately concerned, but are a banal1 reaction from the recent—or even remote—hurts of some other, authentic2 relationship. Made much of in modern fiction, these misadventures scarcely deserve such attention. It is unprofitable, even for the philosophic3 moralist, to inquire closely into the details of such baffling relationships; if mere4 flirtations, they are adulteries none the less; and if adulteries, they still remain mere flirtations. Lacking as they do any personal significance, these misadventures are as devoid5 of lasting6 interest to others as to the misadventures themselves.”
With all due deference7 to the learned Winckler, it may perhaps be suggested that the lack of any personal significance in such relationships, and the discovery of it by the persons involved, is worthy8 of record.... There is a charm, real if evanescent, in impersonality9; and at times the weary mind finds in this charm a blessed anodyne10. It seems, at such times, as though the very nothingness at the heart of such a relationship were the most beautiful thing in the world. A wanderer shipwrecked in a tumultuous tropic sea might well yearn11 to be cast up on some arctic shore. Deeper than the demands of the senses is the yearning12 for the Snow Princess, whose kisses are as cool as snowflakes. There is no fever of love in those kisses; their sweet hard chill is like the sight of marble contours; they have the calm of eternity13 in them.
During his first hours with Elva Macklin, it had seemed 381to Felix that he knew the profoundest secret of human wisdom—the vanity of desire. He desired nothing in the world, least of all any gift from his light-hearted companion in Nirvana. She had nothing to give; and whatever she might give and he might take, it was still nothing. It was strange, how like fire ice could be; but fire burns, and leaves nothing the same as before—it transmutes14, or destroys; and this crystal flame left them both as they had been. They felt no need of each other; and they could not be disappointed. They were satisfied with themselves; and they could be content to remain strangers for all their nearness. No kiss could bridge the gulf15 between them; they did not want it bridged; and if they kissed, it was as though to prove that no intimacy16, none whatever, could shatter their splendid and perfect isolation17, no mere happy human closeness merge18 their triumphant19 individual identities. There was a defiance20 in their kisses—they were proving that they could be to each other everything and yet nothing.
It was quite true that Felix did not care, when Elva Macklin went off to her rehearsal21, whether he ever saw her again; he knew she would return; but it made no difference. It never would make any difference. They were strangers; they would remain strangers for ever. There was no danger of love.
And as long as there was no danger, they would enjoy the happy charm of each other’s strangeness....
Felix did not go to his office; he stayed in the apartment, writing—writing a play. It was the same play he had been writing ever since his marriage; a new version, and different from all the others. Before, he had written fantastically of people as he wished them to be; now he wrote of them as they were. He knew, now, what human beings were like; himself outside the boundaries of their hopes and fears, he understood them, pitied them, loved them. He wrote of himself as he had been—caught hopelessly in the briary-bush of human passions.... Yes, this was a play at last. One must, it seemed, be outside things to understand them.
He was beginning to weary of this warm human nature 382in which his imagination was immersed, when Elva Macklin came, suddenly....
“Writing?” she said indifferently.
“Yes—a play.”
“Is there a part for me in it?”
“No—not in this one.”
She talked of the rehearsal. He put his manuscript aside.... She did not care, aside from the question of a part for her, whether he wrote plays or not; thank heaven! She did not care whether he ever became a playwright22. She did not care if he ever did anything. She did not, the gods be praised, believe in him!
He went over and kissed her.
2
The second day he wrote again on his play, all day, while again she went to rehearsals23. He had not gone to the office at all. He mentioned the fact. It was evident that she did not care. Whether or not the Evening Chronicle had a dramatic editor made no difference to her.
She talked of herself. She was doing her part in “Anatol” magnificently, she said.
He pressed her hand, glad that she was so pleased with herself. She did not need his reassurance24. He could not have given it. He did not believe that she would ever do that part well.
He remarked that he was writing a great play. She smiled, and patted his hand. Probably she did not believe it. Anyway, she didn’t care, so long as he didn’t need sympathy and encouragement....
They were very happy....
3
The end came suddenly, on the morning of the fourth day. They were having coffee.
383He laughed. He couldn’t help it.
“You, too?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said frankly26. “I’m getting interested in my play.... I suppose I’ve been rather a nuisance, talking about that play!”
“And you’re bored hearing what a great actress I am!” she said.
They smiled at each other.
“It’s been very nice!” she said.
“You are a darling!” he told her.
“I’ll pay you a real compliment,” she said. “You are as much of an egotist as I am. I like you. I can go off now and think about my part and never give you another thought.... And you won’t mind.”
“No. But I, on the contrary, shall think about you often—and put you in a play sometime.”
They chatted until it was time for her to go to the rehearsal.
“Good-bye,” she said, and lifted her face to be kissed.
For the first time, in this good-bye kiss, there was expressed a real affection. At least, they were friends now. They wished each other well. They cared—a little—about each other. Doubtless that was why they had begun wanting each other’s praise, begun to be annoyed at each other’s indifference29. They were friends already—they might perhaps become more than friends. That was why they were not going to see each other any more.
It had been perfect. It must not be spoiled.
“Good-bye, Felix dear.”
He put his arms about her.
“Good-bye, Bobbie Eulenspiegel.”
“I do like you.”
“I like you, too.”
They kissed again, and she went.
He turned back to his play.
384
4
Late that evening he finished the rough draft of his second act. That was as far as he could go. He had put into his characters all he knew of them. The rest of the play would wait. He put his manuscript away.
And as he put it away, the thoughts that it had shut out by its dream-like presentment of them began painfully to crowd in upon him.... Elva had been right; not caring was only a mood with him—and it was already over. She had predicted that it would last three hours. It had lasted three days.
All the emotions that he had forgotten and escaped rushed in to hurt and confuse him. His little moment of careless freedom was over.... Tomorrow he would go back to the office and see if he still had a job.
And what had been his marriage ... it could not be ended like this. He could not simply run away. They would have to meet and talk. Make arrangements.... The obsequies of marriage....
The past and the present were back again on his calendar.
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1
banal
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| adj.陈腐的，平庸的 | |
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authentic
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| a.真的，真正的；可靠的，可信的，有根据的 | |
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philosophic
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| adj.哲学的，贤明的 | |
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4
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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5
devoid
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| adj.全无的，缺乏的 | |
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6
lasting
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| adj.永久的，永恒的；vbl.持续，维持 | |
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7
deference
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| n.尊重，顺从；敬意 | |
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8
worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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9
impersonality
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| n.无人情味 | |
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anodyne
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| n.解除痛苦的东西，止痛剂 | |
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11
yearn
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| v.想念；怀念；渴望 | |
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12
yearning
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| a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的 | |
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13
eternity
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| n.不朽，来世；永恒，无穷 | |
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14
transmutes
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| v.使变形，使变质，把…变成…( transmute的第三人称单数 ) | |
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gulf
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| n.海湾；深渊，鸿沟；分歧，隔阂 | |
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16
intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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isolation
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| n.隔离，孤立，分解，分离 | |
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18
merge
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| v.(使)结合，(使)合并，(使)合为一体 | |
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19
triumphant
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| adj.胜利的，成功的；狂欢的，喜悦的 | |
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defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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rehearsal
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| n.排练，排演；练习 | |
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22
playwright
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| n.剧作家，编写剧本的人 | |
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rehearsals
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| n.练习( rehearsal的名词复数 )；排练；复述；重复 | |
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24
reassurance
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| n.使放心，使消除疑虑 | |
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casually
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| adv.漠不关心地，无动于衷地，不负责任地 | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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27
spats
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| n.口角( spat的名词复数 )；小争吵；鞋罩；鞋套v.spit的过去式和过去分词( spat的第三人称单数 )；口角；小争吵；鞋罩 | |
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28
pried
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| v.打听，刺探（他人的私事）( pry的过去式和过去分词 )；撬开 | |
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29
indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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