This is the poor old lady who was accusing me of tyrannizing over her.
To return now to the chimney. Upon being assured of the futility1 of her proposed hall, so long as the obstacle remained, for a time my wife was for a modified project. But I could never exactly comprehend it. As far as I could see through it, it seemed to involve the general idea of a sort of irregular archway, or elbowed tunnel, which was to penetrate2 the chimney at some convenient point under the staircase, and carefully avoiding dangerous contact with the fireplaces, and particularly steering3 clear of the great interior flue, was to conduct the enterprising traveler from the front door all the way into the dining-room in the remote rear of the mansion4. Doubtless it was a bold stroke of genius, that plan of hers, and so was Nero’s when he schemed his grand canal through the Isthmus5 of Corinth. Nor will I take oath, that, had her project been accomplished6, then, by help of lights hung at judicious7 intervals8 through the tunnel, some Belzoni or other might have succeeded in future ages in penetrating9 through the masonry10, and actually emerging into the dining-room, and once there, it would have been inhospitable treatment of such a traveler to have denied him a recruiting meal.
But my bustling11 wife did not restrict her objections, nor in the end confine her proposed alterations12 to the first floor. Her ambition was of the mounting order. She ascended13 with her schemes to the second floor, and so to the attic14. Perhaps there was some small ground for her discontent with things as they were. The truth is, there was no regular passage-way up-stairs or down, unless we again except that little orchestra-gallery before mentioned. And all this was owing to the chimney, which my gamesome spouse15 seemed despitefully to regard as the bully16 of the house. On all its four sides, nearly all the chambers18 sidled up to the chimney for the benefit of a fireplace. The chimney would not go to them; they must needs go to it. The consequence was, almost every room, like a philosophical19 system, was in itself an entry, or passage-way to other rooms, and systems of rooms—a whole suite20 of entries, in fact. Going through the house, you seem to be forever going somewhere, and getting nowhere. It is like losing one’s self in the woods; round and round the chimney you go, and if you arrive at all, it is just where you started, and so you begin again, and again get nowhere. Indeed—though I say it not in the way of faultfinding at all—never was there so labyrinthine21 an abode22. Guests will tarry with me several weeks and every now and then, be anew astonished at some unforseen apartment.
The puzzling nature of the mansion, resulting from the chimney, is peculiarly noticeable in the dining-room, which has no less than nine doors, opening in all directions, and into all sorts of places. A stranger for the first time entering this dining-room, and naturally taking no special heed23 at which door he entered, will, upon rising to depart, commit the strangest blunders. Such, for instance, as opening the first door that comes handy, and finding himself stealing up-stairs by the back passage. Shutting that, he will proceed to another, and be aghast at the cellar yawning at his feet. Trying a third, he surprises the housemaid at her work. In the end, no more relying on his own unaided efforts, he procures24 a trusty guide in some passing person, and in good time successfully emerges. Perhaps as curious a blunder as any, was that of a certain stylish25 young gentleman, a great exquisite26, in whose judicious eyes my daughter Anna had found especial favor. He called upon the young lady one evening, and found her alone in the dining-room at her needlework. He stayed rather late; and after abundance of superfine discourse27, all the while retaining his hat and cane28, made his profuse29 adieus, and with repeated graceful30 bows proceeded to depart, after fashion of courtiers from the Queen, and by so doing, opening a door at random31, with one hand placed behind, very effectually succeeded in backing himself into a dark pantry, where he carefully shut himself up, wondering there was no light in the entry. After several strange noises as of a cat among the crockery, he reappeared through the same door, looking uncommonly32 crestfallen33, and, with a deeply embarrassed air, requested my daughter to designate at which of the nine he should find exit. When the mischievous34 Anna told me the story, she said it was surprising how unaffected and matter-of-fact the young gentleman’s manner was after his reappearance. He was more candid35 than ever, to be sure; having inadvertently thrust his white kids into an open drawer of Havana sugar, under the impression, probably, that being what they call “a sweet fellow,” his route might possibly lie in that direction.
Another inconvenience resulting from the chimney is, the bewilderment of a guest in gaining his chamber17, many strange doors lying between him and it. To direct him by finger-posts would look rather queer; and just as queer in him to be knocking at every door on his route, like London’s city guest, the king, at Temple-Bar.
Now, of all these things and many, many more, my family continually complained. At last my wife came out with her sweeping37 proposition—in toto to abolish the chimney.
“What!” said I, “abolish the chimney? To take out the backbone38 of anything, wife, is a hazardous39 affair. Spines40 out of backs, and chimneys out of houses, are not to be taken like frosted lead pipes from the ground. Besides,” added I, “the chimney is the one grand permanence of this abode. If undisturbed by innovators, then in future ages, when all the house shall have crumbled41 from it, this chimney will still survive—a Bunker Hill monument. No, no, wife, I can’t abolish my backbone.”
So said I then. But who is sure of himself, especially an old man, with both wife and daughters ever at his elbow and ear? In time, I was persuaded to think a little better of it; in short, to take the matter into preliminary consideration. At length it came to pass that a master-mason—a rough sort of architect—one Mr. Scribe, was summoned to a conference. I formally introduced him to my chimney. A previous introduction from my wife had introduced him to myself. He had been not a little employed by that lady, in preparing plans and estimates for some of her extensive operations in drainage. Having, with much ado, exhorted42 from my spouse the promise that she would leave us to an unmolested survey, I began by leading Mr. Scribe down to the root of the matter, in the cellar. Lamp in hand, I descended43; for though up-stairs it was noon, below it was night.
We seemed in the pyramids; and I, with one hand holding my lamp over head, and with the other pointing out, in the obscurity, the hoar mass of the chimney, seemed some Arab guide, showing the cobwebbed mausoleum of the great god Apis.
“This is a most remarkable44 structure, sir,” said the master-mason, after long contemplating45 it in silence, “a most remarkable structure, sir.”
“Yes,” said I complacently46, “every one says so.”
“But large as it appears above the roof, I would not have inferred the magnitude of this foundation, sir,” eyeing it critically.
Then taking out his rule, he measured it.
“Twelve feet square; one hundred and forty-four square feet! Sir, this house would appear to have been built simply for the accommodation of your chimney.”
“Yes, my chimney and me. Tell me candidly47, now,” I added, “would you have such a famous chimney abolished?”
“I wouldn’t have it in a house of mine, sir, for a gift,” was the reply. “It’s a losing affair altogether, sir. Do you know, sir, that in retaining this chimney, you are losing, not only one hundred and forty-four square feet of good ground, but likewise a considerable interest upon a considerable principal?”
“How?”
“Look, sir!” said he, taking a bit of red chalk from his pocket, and figuring against a whitewashed48 wall, “twenty times eight is so and so; then forty-two times thirty—nine is so and so—ain’t it, sir? Well, add those together, and subtract this here, then that makes so and so,” still chalking away.
To be brief, after no small ciphering, Mr. Scribe informed me that my chimney contained, I am ashamed to say how many thousand and odd valuable bricks.
“No more,” said I fidgeting. “Pray now, let us have a look above.”
In that upper zone we made two more circumnavigations for the first and second floors. That done, we stood together at the foot of the stairway by the front door; my hand upon the knob, and Mr. Scribe hat in hand.
“Well, sir,” said he, a sort of feeling his way, and, to help himself, fumbling49 with his hat, “well, sir, I think it can be done.”
“What, pray, Mr. Scribe; WHAT can be done?”
“Your chimney, sir; it can without rashness be removed, I think.”
“I will think of it, too, Mr. Scribe,” said I, turning the knob and bowing him towards the open space without, “I will THINK of it, sir; it demands consideration; much obliged to ye; good morning, Mr. Scribe.”
“It is all arranged, then,” cried my wife with great glee, bursting from the nighest room.
“When will they begin?” demanded my daughter Julia.
“To-morrow?” asked Anna.
“Patience, patience, my dears,” said I, “such a big chimney is not to be abolished in a minute.”
Next morning it began again.
“You remember the chimney,” said my wife. “Wife,” said I, “it is never out of my house and never out of my mind.”
“But when is Mr. Scribe to begin to pull it down?” asked Anna.
“Not to-day, Anna,” said I.
“WHEN, then?” demanded Julia, in alarm.
Now, if this chimney of mine was, for size, a sort of belfry, for ding-donging at me about it, my wife and daughters were a sort of bells, always chiming together, or taking up each other’s melodies at every pause, my wife the key-clapper of all. A very sweet ringing, and pealing50, and chiming, I confess; but then, the most silvery of bells may, sometimes, dismally51 toll52, as well as merrily play. And as touching53 the subject in question, it became so now. Perceiving a strange relapse of opposition54 in me, wife and daughters began a soft and dirge-like, melancholy55 tolling56 over it.
At length my wife, getting much excited, declared to me, with pointed57 finger, that so long as that chimney stood, she should regard it as the monument of what she called my broken pledge. But finding this did not answer, the next day, she gave me to understand that either she or the chimney must quit the house.
Finding matters coming to such a pass, I and my pipe philosophized over them awhile, and finally concluded between us, that little as our hearts went with the plan, yet for peace’ sake, I might write out the chimney’s death-warrant, and, while my hand was in, scratch a note to Mr. Scribe.
Considering that I, and my chimney, and my pipe, from having been so much together, were three great cronies, the facility with which my pipe consented to a project so fatal to the goodliest of our trio; or rather, the way in which I and my pipe, in secret, conspired58 together, as it were, against our unsuspicious old comrade—this may seem rather strange, if not suggestive of sad reflections upon us two. But, indeed, we, sons of clay, that is my pipe and I, are no whit36 better than the rest. Far from us, indeed, to have volunteered the betrayal of our crony. We are of a peaceable nature, too. But that love of peace it was which made us false to a mutual59 friend, as soon as his cause demanded a vigorous vindication60. But, I rejoice to add, that better and braver thoughts soon returned, as will now briefly61 be set forth62.
To my note, Mr. Scribe replied in person.
“I will do it for five hundred dollars,” said Mr. Scribe at last, again hat in hand.
“Very well, Mr. Scribe, I will think of it,” replied I, again bowing him to the door.
Not unvexed by this, for the second time, unexpected response, again he withdrew, and from my wife, and daughters again burst the old exclamations64.
The truth is, resolved how I would, at the last pinch I and my chimney could not be parted.
“So Holofernes will have his way, never mind whose heart breaks for it,” said my wife next morning, at breakfast, in that half-didactic, half-reproachful way of hers, which is harder to bear than her most energetic assault. Holofernes, too, is with her a pet name for any fell domestic despot. So, whenever, against her most ambitious innovations, those which saw me quite across the grain, I, as in the present instance, stand with however little steadfastness65 on the defence, she is sure to call me Holofernes, and ten to one takes the first opportunity to read aloud, with a suppressed emphasis, of an evening, the first newspaper paragraph about some tyrannic day-laborer, who, after being for many years the Caligula of his family, ends by beating his long-suffering spouse to death, with a garret door wrenched66 off its hinges, and then, pitching his little innocents out of the window, suicidally turns inward towards the broken wall scored with the butcher’s and baker’s bills, and so rushes headlong to his dreadful account.
Nevertheless, for a few days, not a little to my surprise, I heard no further reproaches. An intense calm pervaded67 my wife, but beneath which, as in the sea, there was no knowing what portentous68 movements might be going on. She frequently went abroad, and in a direction which I thought not unsuspicious; namely, in the direction of New Petra, a griffin-like house of wood and stucco, in the highest style of ornamental69 art, graced with four chimneys in the form of erect70 dragons spouting71 smoke from their nostrils72; the elegant modern residence of Mr. Scribe, which he had built for the purpose of a standing73 advertisement, not more of his taste as an architect, than his solidity as a master-mason.
At last, smoking my pipe one morning, I heard a rap at the door, and my wife, with an air unusually quiet for her brought me a note. As I have no correspondents except Solomon, with whom in his sentiments, at least, I entirely74 correspond, the note occasioned me some little surprise, which was not dismissed upon reading the following:—
NEW PETRA, April 1st.
Sir—During my last examination of your chimney, possibly you may have noted75 that I frequently applied76 my rule to it in a manner apparently77 unnecessary. Possibly, also, at the same time, you might have observed in me more or less of perplexity, to which, however, I refrained from giving any verbal expression.
I now feel it obligatory78 upon me to inform you of what was then but a dim suspicion, and as such would have been unwise to give utterance79 to, but which now, from various subsequent calculations assuming no little probability, it may be important that you should not remain in further ignorance of.
It is my solemn duty to warn you, sir, that there is architectural cause to conjecture80 that somewhere concealed81 in your chimney is a reserved space, hermetically closed, in short, a secret chamber, or rather closet. How long it has been there, it is for me impossible to say. What it contains is hid, with itself, in darkness. But probably a secret closet would not have been contrived82 except for some extraordinary object, whether for the concealment83 of treasure, or for what other purpose, may be left to those better acquainted with the history of the house to guess.
But enough: in making this disclosure, sir, my conscience is eased. Whatever step you choose to take upon it, is of course a matter of indifference84 to me; though, I confess, as respects the character of the closet, I cannot but share in a natural curiosity. Trusting that you may be guided aright, in determining whether it is Christian-like knowingly to reside in a house, hidden in which is a secret closet, I remain, with much respect,
HIRAM SCRIBE.
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1
futility
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| n.无用 | |
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penetrate
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| v.透(渗)入；刺入，刺穿；洞察，了解 | |
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steering
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| n.操舵装置 | |
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mansion
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| n.大厦，大楼；宅第 | |
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isthmus
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| n.地峡 | |
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accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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judicious
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| adj.明智的，明断的，能作出明智决定的 | |
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intervals
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| n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 )；间隔时间；[数学]区间；（戏剧、电影或音乐会的）幕间休息 | |
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9
penetrating
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| adj.（声音）响亮的，尖锐的adj.（气味）刺激的adj.（思想）敏锐的，有洞察力的 | |
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10
masonry
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| n.砖土建筑；砖石 | |
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bustling
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| adj.喧闹的 | |
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alterations
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| n.改动( alteration的名词复数 )；更改；变化；改变 | |
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ascended
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| v.上升，攀登( ascend的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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attic
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| n.顶楼，屋顶室 | |
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15
spouse
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| n.配偶(指夫或妻) | |
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bully
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| n.恃强欺弱者，小流氓；vt.威胁，欺侮 | |
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chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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chambers
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| n.房间( chamber的名词复数 )；（议会的）议院；卧室；会议厅 | |
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philosophical
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| adj.哲学家的，哲学上的，达观的 | |
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suite
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| n.一套(家具)；套房；随从人员 | |
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labyrinthine
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| adj.如迷宫的；复杂的 | |
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abode
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| n.住处，住所 | |
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heed
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| v.注意，留意；n.注意，留心 | |
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procures
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| v.（努力）取得， （设法）获得( procure的第三人称单数 )；拉皮条 | |
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stylish
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| adj.流行的，时髦的；漂亮的，气派的 | |
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exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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cane
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| n.手杖，细长的茎，藤条；v.以杖击，以藤编制的 | |
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profuse
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| adj.很多的，大量的，极其丰富的 | |
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graceful
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| adj.优美的，优雅的；得体的 | |
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random
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| adj.随机的；任意的；n.偶然的(或随便的)行动 | |
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uncommonly
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| adv. 稀罕(极，非常) | |
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crestfallen
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| adj. 挫败的，失望的，沮丧的 | |
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mischievous
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| adj.调皮的，恶作剧的，有害的，伤人的 | |
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candid
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| adj.公正的，正直的；坦率的 | |
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whit
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| n.一点，丝毫 | |
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sweeping
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| adj.范围广大的，一扫无遗的 | |
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backbone
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| n.脊骨，脊柱，骨干；刚毅，骨气 | |
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hazardous
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| adj.(有)危险的，冒险的；碰运气的 | |
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spines
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| n.脊柱( spine的名词复数 )；脊椎；（动植物的）刺；书脊 | |
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crumbled
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| （把…）弄碎， （使）碎成细屑( crumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 衰落； 坍塌； 损坏 | |
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exhorted
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| v.劝告，劝说( exhort的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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descended
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| a.为...后裔的，出身于...的 | |
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remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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contemplating
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| 深思，细想，仔细考虑( contemplate的现在分词 )； 注视，凝视； 考虑接受（发生某事的可能性）； 深思熟虑，沉思，苦思冥想 | |
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complacently
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| adv. 满足地, 自满地, 沾沾自喜地 | |
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candidly
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| adv.坦率地，直率而诚恳地 | |
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whitewashed
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| 粉饰，美化，掩饰( whitewash的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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fumbling
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| n. 摸索,漏接 v. 摸索,摸弄,笨拙的处理 | |
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50
pealing
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| v.（使）（钟等）鸣响，（雷等）发出隆隆声( peal的现在分词 ) | |
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51
dismally
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| adv.阴暗地，沉闷地 | |
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52
toll
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| n.过路(桥)费；损失，伤亡人数；v.敲(钟) | |
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53
touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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54
opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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56
tolling
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| [财]来料加工 | |
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57
pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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58
conspired
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| 密谋( conspire的过去式和过去分词 )； 搞阴谋； （事件等）巧合； 共同导致 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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vindication
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| n.洗冤，证实 | |
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61
briefly
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| adv.简单地，简短地 | |
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62
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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63
pecuniary
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| adj.金钱的；金钱上的 | |
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64
exclamations
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| n.呼喊( exclamation的名词复数 )；感叹；感叹语；感叹词 | |
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65
steadfastness
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| n.坚定，稳当 | |
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66
wrenched
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| v.（猛力地）扭( wrench的过去式和过去分词 )；扭伤；使感到痛苦；使悲痛 | |
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pervaded
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| v.遍及，弥漫( pervade的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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68
portentous
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| adj.不祥的，可怕的，装腔作势的 | |
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69
ornamental
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| adj.装饰的；作装饰用的；n.装饰品；观赏植物 | |
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70
erect
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| n./v.树立，建立，使竖立；adj.直立的，垂直的 | |
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71
spouting
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| n.水落管系统v.（指液体）喷出( spout的现在分词 )；滔滔不绝地讲；喋喋不休地说；喷水 | |
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72
nostrils
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| 鼻孔( nostril的名词复数 ) | |
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73
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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74
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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77
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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78
obligatory
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| adj.强制性的，义务的，必须的 | |
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79
utterance
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| n.用言语表达，话语，言语 | |
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80
conjecture
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| n./v.推测，猜测 | |
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81
concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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82
contrived
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| adj.不自然的，做作的；虚构的 | |
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83
concealment
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| n.隐藏, 掩盖，隐瞒 | |
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84
indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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85
humbly
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| adv. 恭顺地，谦卑地 | |
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