Bingo told me all this in a husky voice over an egg beaten up in sherry. The only blot1 on the thing from his point of view was that it wasn't doing a bit of good to the old vocal2 cords, which were beginning to show signs of cracking under the strain. He had been looking his symptoms up in a medical dictionary, and he thought he had got "clergyman's throat." But against this you had to set the fact that he was making an undoubted hit in the right quarter, and also that after the evening's reading he always stayed on to dinner; and, from what he told me, the dinners turned out by old Little's cook had to be tasted to be believed. There were tears in the old blighter's eyes as he got[Pg 20] on the subject of the clear soup. I suppose to a fellow who for weeks had been tackling macaroons and limado it must have been like Heaven.
Old Little wasn't able to give any practical assistance at these banquets, but Bingo said that he came to the table and had his whack3 of arrowroot, and sniffed4 the dishes, and told stories of entrées he had had in the past, and sketched5 out scenarios6 of what he was going to do to the bill of fare in the future, when the doctor put him in shape; so I suppose he enjoyed himself, too, in a way. Anyhow, things seemed to be buzzing along quite satisfactorily, and Bingo said he had got an idea which, he thought, was going to clinch7 the thing. He wouldn't tell me what it was, but he said it was a pippin.
"We make progress, Jeeves," I said.
"That is very satisfactory, sir."
"Mr. Little tells me that when he came to the big scene in 'Only a Factory Girl,' his uncle gulped8 like a stricken bull-pup."
"Indeed, sir?"
"Where Lord Claude takes the girl in his arms, you know, and says——"
"I am familiar with the passage, sir. It is distinctly moving. It was a great favourite of my aunt's."
"I think we're on the right track."
"It would seem so, sir."
"In fact, this looks like being another of your successes. I've always said, and I always shall say, that for sheer brain, Jeeves, you stand alone. All the other great thinkers of the age are simply in the crowd, watching you go by."
"Thank you very much, sir. I endeavour to give satisfaction."
[Pg 21]
About a week after this, Bingo blew in with the news that his uncle's gout had ceased to trouble him, and that on the morrow he would be back at the old stand working away with knife and fork as before.
"And, by the way," said Bingo, "he wants you to lunch with him to-morrow."
"Me? Why me? He doesn't know I exist."
"Oh, yes, he does. I've told him about you."
"What have you told him?"
"Oh, various things. Anyhow, he wants to meet you. And take my tip, laddie—you go! I should think lunch to-morrow would be something special."
I don't know why it was, but even then it struck me that there was something dashed odd—almost sinister9, if you know what I mean—about young Bingo's manner. The old egg had the air of one who has something up his sleeve.
"There is more in this than meets the eye," I said. "Why should your uncle ask a fellow to lunch whom he's never seen?"
"My dear old fathead, haven't I just said that I've been telling him all about you—that you're my best pal10—at school together, and all that sort of thing?"
"But even then—and another thing. Why are you so dashed keen on my going?"
Bingo hesitated for a moment.
"Well, I told you I'd got an idea. This is it. I want you to spring the news on him. I haven't the nerve myself."
"What! I'm hanged if I do!"
"And you call yourself a pal of mine!"
"Yes, I know; but there are limits."
"Bertie," said Bingo reproachfully, "I saved your life once."
[Pg 22]
"When?"
"Didn't I? It must have been some other fellow, then. Well, anyway, we were boys together and all that. You can't let me down."
"Oh, all right," I said. "But, when you say you haven't nerve enough for any dashed thing in the world, you misjudge yourself. A fellow who——"
"Cheerio!" said young Bingo. "One-thirty to-morrow. Don't be late."
* * * * *
I'm bound to say that the more I contemplated11 the binge, the less I liked it. It was all very well for Bingo to say that I was slated12 for a magnificent lunch; but what good is the best possible lunch to a fellow if he is slung13 out into the street on his ear during the soup course? However, the word of a Wooster is his bond and all that sort of rot, so at one-thirty next day I tottered14 up the steps of No. 16, Pounceby Gardens, and punched the bell. And half a minute later I was up in the drawing-room, shaking hands with the fattest man I have ever seen in my life.
The motto of the Little family was evidently "variety." Young Bingo is long and thin and hasn't had a superfluous15 ounce on him since we first met; but the uncle restored the average and a bit over. The hand which grasped mine wrapped it round and enfolded it till I began to wonder if I'd ever get it out without excavating16 machinery17.
"Mr. Wooster, I am gratified—I am proud—I am honoured."
It seemed to me that young Bingo must have boosted me to some purpose.
"Oh, ah!" I said.
[Pg 23]
He stepped back a bit, still hanging on to the good right hand.
"You are very young to have accomplished18 so much!"
I couldn't follow the train of thought. The family, especially my Aunt Agatha, who has savaged19 me incessantly20 from childhood up, have always rather made a point of the fact that mine is a wasted life, and that, since I won the prize at my first school for the best collection of wild flowers made during the summer holidays, I haven't done a dam' thing to land me on the nation's scroll21 of fame. I was wondering if he couldn't have got me mixed up with someone else, when the telephone-bell rang outside in the hall, and the maid came in to say that I was wanted. I buzzed down, and found it was young Bingo.
"Hallo!" said young Bingo. "So you've got there? Good man! I knew I could rely on you. I say, old crumpet, did my uncle seem pleased to see you?"
"Absolutely all over me. I can't make it out."
"Oh, that's all right. I just rang up to explain. The fact is, old man, I know you won't mind, but I told him that you were the author of those books I've been reading to him."
"What!"
"Yes, I said that 'Rosie M. Banks' was your pen-name, and you didn't want it generally known, because you were a modest, retiring sort of chap. He'll listen to you now. Absolutely hang on your words. A brightish idea, what? I doubt if Jeeves in person could have thought up a better one than that. Well, pitch it strong, old lad, and keep steadily22 before you the fact that I must have my allowance raised. I can't possibly marry on what I've got now. If this film is to end with the slow[Pg 24] fade-out on the embrace, at least double is indicated. Well, that's that. Cheerio!"
And he rang off. At that moment the gong sounded, and the genial24 host came tumbling downstairs like the delivery of a ton of coals.
* * * * *
I always look back to that lunch with a sort of aching regret. It was the lunch of a lifetime, and I wasn't in a fit state to appreciate it. Subconsciously25, if you know what I mean, I could see it was pretty special, but I had got the wind up to such a frightful26 extent over the ghastly situation in which young Bingo had landed me that its deeper meaning never really penetrated27. Most of the time I might have been eating sawdust for all the good it did me.
Old Little struck the literary note right from the start.
"My nephew has probably told you that I have been making a close study of your books of late?" he began.
"Yes. He did mention it. How—er—how did you like the bally things?"
He gazed reverently28 at me.
"Mr. Wooster, I am not ashamed to say that the tears came into my eyes as I listened to them. It amazes me that a man as young as you can have been able to plumb29 human nature so surely to its depths; to play with so unerring a hand on the quivering heart-strings of your reader; to write novels so true, so human, so moving, so vital!"
"Oh, it's just a knack," I said.
The good old persp. was bedewing my forehead by this time in a pretty lavish30 manner. I don't know when I've been so rattled31.
"Do you find the room a trifle warm?"
[Pg 25]
"Oh, no, no, rather not. Just right."
"Then it's the pepper. If my cook has a fault—which I am not prepared to admit—it is that she is inclined to stress the pepper a trifle in her made dishes. By the way, do you like her cooking?"
I was so relieved that we had got off the subject of my literary output that I shouted approval in a ringing baritone.
"I am delighted to hear it, Mr. Wooster. I may be prejudiced, but to my mind that woman is a genius."
"Absolutely!" I said.
"She has been with me seven years, and in all that time I have not known her guilty of a single lapse32 from the highest standard. Except once, in the winter of 1917, when a purist might have condemned33 a certain mayonnaise of hers as lacking in creaminess. But one must make allowances. There had been several air-raids about that time, and no doubt the poor woman was shaken. But nothing is perfect in this world, Mr. Wooster, and I have had my cross to bear. For seven years I have lived in constant apprehension34 lest some evilly-disposed person might lure35 her from my employment. To my certain knowledge she has received offers, lucrative36 offers, to accept service elsewhere. You may judge of my dismay, Mr. Wooster, when only this morning the bolt fell. She gave notice!"
"Good Lord!"
"Your consternation37 does credit, if I may say so, to the heart of the author of 'A Red, Red Summer Rose.' But I am thankful to say the worst has not happened. The matter has been adjusted. Jane is not leaving me."
"Good egg!"
"Good egg, indeed—though the expression is[Pg 26] not familiar to me. I do not remember having come across it in your books. And, speaking of your books, may I say that what has impressed me about them even more than the moving poignancy38 of the actual narrative39, is your philosophy of life. If there were more men like you, Mr. Wooster, London would be a better place."
This was dead opposite to my Aunt Agatha's philosophy of life, she having always rather given me to understand that it is the presence in it of chappies like me that makes London more or less of a plague spot; but I let it go.
"Let me tell you, Mr. Wooster, that I appreciate your splendid defiance40 of the outworn fetishes of a purblind41 social system. I appreciate it! You are big enough to see that rank is but the guinea stamp and that, in the magnificent words of Lord Bletchmore in 'Only a Factory Girl,' 'Be her origin ne'er so humble42, a good woman is the equal of the finest lady on earth!'"
I sat up.
"I say! Do you think that?"
"I do, Mr. Wooster. I am ashamed to say that there was a time when I was like other men, a slave to the idiotic43 convention which we call Class Distinction. But, since I read your books——"
I might have known it. Jeeves had done it again.
"You think it's all right for a chappie in what you might call a certain social position to marry a girl of what you might describe as the lower classes?"
"Most assuredly I do, Mr. Wooster."
I took a deep breath, and slipped him the good news.
"Young Bingo—your nephew, you know—wants to marry a waitress," I said.
"I honour him for it," said old Little.
[Pg 27]
"You don't object?"
"On the contrary."
"I fear I do not quite follow you."
"Well, I mean to say, his allowance and all that. The money you're good enough to give him. He was rather hoping that you might see your way to jerking up the total a bit."
Old Little shook his head regretfully.
"I fear that can hardly be managed. You see, a man in my position is compelled to save every penny. I will gladly continue my nephew's existing allowance, but beyond that I cannot go. It would not be fair to my wife."
"What! But you're not married?"
"Not yet. But I propose to enter upon that holy state almost immediately. The lady who for years has cooked so well for me honoured me by accepting my hand this very morning." A cold gleam of triumph came into his eye. "Now let 'em try to get her away from me!" he muttered, defiantly46.
* * * * *
"Young Mr. Little has been trying frequently during the afternoon to reach you on the telephone, sir," said Jeeves that night, when I got home.
"I'll bet he has," I said. I had sent poor old Bingo an outline of the situation by messenger-boy shortly after lunch.
"I don't wonder. Jeeves," I said, "so brace23 up and bite the bullet. I'm afraid I've bad news for you."
[Pg 28]
"That scheme of yours—reading those books to old Mr. Little and all that—has blown out a fuse."
"They did. That's the whole bally trouble. Jeeves, I'm sorry to say that fiancée of yours—Miss Watson, you know—the cook, you know—well, the long and the short of it is that she's chosen riches instead of honest worth, if you know what I mean."
"Sir?"
"Indeed, sir?"
"You don't seem much upset."
"The fact is, sir, I had anticipated some such outcome."
I stared at him. "Then what on earth did you suggest the scheme for?"
"To tell you the truth, sir, I was not wholly averse50 from a severance51 of my relations with Miss Watson. In fact, I greatly desired it. I respect Miss Watson exceedingly, but I have seen for a long time that we were not suited. Now, the other young person with whom I have an understanding—"
"Great Scott, Jeeves! There isn't another?"
"Yes, sir."
"How long has this been going on?"
"For some weeks, sir. I was greatly attracted by her when I first met her at a subscription52 dance at Camberwell."
"My sainted aunt! Not——"
Jeeves inclined his head gravely.
"Yes, sir. By an odd coincidence it is the same young person that young Mr. Little—— I have placed the cigarettes on the small table. Good night, sir."
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收听单词发音
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1
blot
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| vt.弄脏（用吸墨纸）吸干；n.污点，污渍 | |
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vocal
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| adj.直言不讳的；嗓音的；n.[pl.]声乐节目 | |
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3
whack
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| v.敲击，重打，瓜分；n.重击，重打，尝试，一份 | |
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sniffed
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| v.以鼻吸气，嗅，闻( sniff的过去式和过去分词 )；抽鼻子（尤指哭泣、患感冒等时出声地用鼻子吸气）；抱怨，不以为然地说 | |
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5
sketched
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| v.草拟（sketch的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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6
scenarios
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| n.[意]情节；剧本；事态；脚本 | |
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7
clinch
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| v.敲弯，钉牢；确定；扭住对方 [参]clench | |
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8
gulped
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| v.狼吞虎咽地吃，吞咽( gulp的过去式和过去分词 )；大口地吸（气）；哽住 | |
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9
sinister
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| adj.不吉利的，凶恶的，左边的 | |
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10
pal
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| n.朋友，伙伴，同志；vi.结为友 | |
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11
contemplated
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| adj. 预期的 动词contemplate的过去分词形式 | |
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12
slated
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| 用石板瓦盖( slate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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13
slung
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| 抛( sling的过去式和过去分词 )； 吊挂； 遣送； 押往 | |
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14
tottered
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| v.走得或动得不稳( totter的过去式和过去分词 )；踉跄；蹒跚；摇摇欲坠 | |
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15
superfluous
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| adj.过多的，过剩的，多余的 | |
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16
excavating
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| v.挖掘( excavate的现在分词 )；开凿；挖出；发掘 | |
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17
machinery
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| n.(总称)机械，机器；机构 | |
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18
accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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19
savaged
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| （动物）凶狠地攻击（或伤害）( savage的过去式和过去分词 )； 残害； 猛烈批评； 激烈抨击 | |
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20
incessantly
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| ad.不停地 | |
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21
scroll
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| n.卷轴，纸卷；(石刻上的)漩涡 | |
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22
steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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23
brace
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| n. 支柱,曲柄,大括号; v. 绷紧,顶住,(为困难或坏事)做准备 | |
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24
genial
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| adj.亲切的，和蔼的，愉快的，脾气好的 | |
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25
subconsciously
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| ad.下意识地，潜意识地 | |
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26
frightful
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| adj.可怕的；讨厌的 | |
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27
penetrated
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| adj. 击穿的，鞭辟入里的 动词penetrate的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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28
reverently
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| adv.虔诚地 | |
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29
plumb
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| adv.精确地，完全地；v.了解意义，测水深 | |
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30
lavish
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| adj.无节制的；浪费的；vt.慷慨地给予，挥霍 | |
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31
rattled
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| 慌乱的，恼火的 | |
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32
lapse
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| n.过失，流逝，失效，抛弃信仰，间隔；vi.堕落，停止，失效，流逝；vt.使失效 | |
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33
condemned
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| adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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34
apprehension
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| n.理解，领悟；逮捕，拘捕；忧虑 | |
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35
lure
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| n.吸引人的东西，诱惑物；vt.引诱，吸引 | |
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36
lucrative
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| adj.赚钱的，可获利的 | |
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37
consternation
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| n.大为吃惊，惊骇 | |
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38
poignancy
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| n.辛酸事，尖锐 | |
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39
narrative
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| n.叙述，故事；adj.叙事的，故事体的 | |
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40
defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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41
purblind
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| adj.半盲的；愚笨的 | |
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42
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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43
idiotic
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| adj.白痴的 | |
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44
sordid
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| adj.肮脏的，不干净的，卑鄙的，暗淡的 | |
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45
butting
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| 用头撞人（犯规动作） | |
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46
defiantly
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| adv.挑战地，大胆对抗地 | |
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47
agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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48
soften
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| v.(使)变柔软；(使)变柔和 | |
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49
mitten
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| n.连指手套，露指手套 | |
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50
averse
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| adj.厌恶的；反对的，不乐意的 | |
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51
severance
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| n.离职金；切断 | |
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52
subscription
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| n.预订，预订费，亲笔签名，调配法，下标（处方） | |
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