Her maid noticed that she looked very young that night, with the dreams in her eyes and on her lips, even younger than her twenty-three years. Usually she looked much older, for her self-possessed manner, inherited from her mother, her dignified14 carriage and air of savoir faire might have belonged to a woman of twenty-eight. To-night she almost had the illusion that she was still an unmarried girl, with The Great Choice before her. The soft, warm air seemed to breathe love, to say, “Take your fill of its sweetness, your life is still to make.” The impassioned song of the birds, the riot and colour, the bursting life in bud and blossom, what did it all say, but:
“Come, all lovers, to the feasting,
This your purest, fullest hour
Even Rhoda Carnegie’s cynical18 words the previous evening at the Prime Minister’s dinner-party seemed part of the day. “Is love to be confined within the small circlet of a wedding-ring? Why, it would be like trying to pour the sea into a thimble.” After all, most intelligent people nowadays scoffed19 at the wedding-service, with its “forevers” and “till death.” Those ideas had all been swept away.
As she rearranged the wild hyacinths for the mere20 pleasure of touching21 them, she asked herself if there still[266] lingered any belief in those “forevers.” Honestly, no. She did realize that love is too big a thing to be confined within a wedding-ring. It was not that kind of scruple22 that held her back. Love, as she had once said before her marriage, was the only convention she owned. She recalled the words of James Hinton. “Love, and do as you please.” Many people had taken this as their text for lax morality, but they had not understood him rightly. It was not an easy saying, but a hard one. Love! How often did one love in a lifetime? She had thought she loved Gilbert, and she really had at the time. But his neglect and coldness had killed her love. Could a great love be killed? “Many waters cannot quench23 love——” was that not merely the high standard which we should all try and uphold, but can never attain24 to? An impossible standard, surely, except for rare, ethereal beings without sexual instincts, strong human needs.
“And I don’t want an ethereal love,” she said aloud.
The dachshund, who had been slumbering25 peacefully on the couch, awoke, and looked at her interrogatively. His faithful soul was afraid she had called him.
“Only talking to myself, Billiken,” she said, smiling at him. “Why, even you, Billie—I am your little world, your sun and your moon and your stars, but you like me to stroke and pat you. Oh, Billie! I must be first with someone. I don’t belong to anyone really, not of my own free will, and I want to so much, so much. I’m not strong enough to stand alone. I don’t want to stand alone.”
She was first with Frank, the only thing that mattered in his life. He had told her so often and often. Perhaps, yes, perhaps she would give herself to him, and make him happy, make herself happy. Stupid Jack26 had said that illicit27 relations with a man would never make her happy. But he was an ass7, anyway. Why should not Frank make her happy? Why should Circe’s daughter not be[267] happy as, apparently28, her mother had been? Perhaps Circe had gone through a similar period of happiness and hesitation29 before she—— No, she could not honestly follow that line of argument. Her mother had only made a marriage of convenience, her father had never counted at all, and she knew instinctively30, without any harsh judgment31, that Circe had an entirely32 different nature from her own. There were no subtle shades of feeling in her mother, no understanding of intellectual and emotional heights. Claudia had discovered that as a child. Her mother never shared her enthusiasm for books or pictures, she would have looked with but languid interest that morning at the blue mist of the hyacinths stretching far away under the trees. Claudia had felt like shouting as she and Pat turned the corner and saw the beautiful carpet at their feet, but her mother would only have feared that she might be getting her feet damp on the grass. No, the example of Circe taught her nothing. They were mother and daughter, but they were different.
She went to the window and leaned out, looking up at the darkly blue sky and the steady stars, which watched in remote peacefulness over the traffic of Knightsbridge.
Her only justification33 now or at any time would be the strength of her love. She had her heritage of passion, but something that had not restrained her mother would always restrain her. Did she love Frank? He loved her, she never doubted that, but did she love him? She asked herself if the secrecy34 of such relationship would not harass35 her? Would the stolen meetings be the sweeter for the necessary secrecy, or would there not be a certain degradation36 in the whispered rendezvous37? She could hear herself as a girl calling it, with fine youthful dogmatism, a “hole-and-corner” business. Did love save it from that reproach?
At the back of her Billie barked sharply, and withdrawing her head from the window, Claudia heard two[268] voices raised in unusual excitement outside her door. She went across to it and threw it open.
She just caught the end of a sentence spoken by her husband in his most dictatorial39, angry tones. “ ... you can take a month’s notice. I refuse to overlook the matter. I have enough affairs on my hands without keeping a man I cannot rely on. You can go.”
The man, who was an excellent valet, answered with considerable conviction. “You did not tell me, sir. I know you did not. You may have thought you did, but you did not say anything about the suit-case.”
The man went towards the servants’ quarters, and Gilbert, turning, saw her in the doorway40. His face was very unbeautiful in its anger. He looked almost apoplectic41, his skin was so red and mottled. He had grown lately to look many years older than his age.
“Gilbert, did I hear you giving Marsh42 notice to go? He is such an excellent servant. What has he done?”
He came inside and sat down on the couch, breathing rather heavily. For a moment he seemed unable to answer.
“Forgot some instructions I gave him this morning, and then had the impertinence to say I never gave them. How”—irritably—“could I forget such an important thing?”
“Was it very important?”
“Yes. I told him to send my dress-suit to my chambers44. I was going down to a political dinner at Wynnstay”—Wynnstay was his father’s home—“I thought the bag was there, and when I went to catch the train—Imbecile! Most important. I haven’t told you. I expect to stand for Parliament shortly. Father finds the responsibility too much, and, of course, the seat is safe.”
“But, Gilbert,” expostulated Claudia, contrary to her[269] latter custom of listening, if not in agreement, in non-disagreement, “you have too much to do already. Don’t you think——”
“Oh, don’t rub it in, for heaven’s sake.... Besides, I’ve promised Neeburg to take a holiday.... I’m certain I told Marsh about packing my clothes.”
“He is usually very reliable.”
“Oh, well! have it as you like. But any man with as many things to remember as I have, would be liable to forget—trifles. Doctors are so ridiculously bigoted45.” His face was slowly becoming an unhealthy white, the redness was fading away. He looked at her obviously asking her to agree with him. Neeburg had scared him a little ... but Neeburg didn’t understand the strain of a barrister’s work. Claudia was only a woman and, of course, she wouldn’t understand either.... No good trying to explain. A long sea voyage ... six months’ rest ... ridiculous! A fortnight at Le Touquet would set him up ... a man knew his own constitution best. But perhaps it was just as well he had been prevented from going to Wynnstay that evening.... He was a little tired. He would have an early dinner and go to bed by ten.
He became aware that she was regarding him in a critical, impersonal46 way, which, though he was relieved she had ceased to expect wildly enthusiastic responses to her exalté moods, somehow annoyed him. No woman, especially a wife, had any right to look so at a man.
“Why are you staring at me?” he asked, with a frown.
“I was wondering why Nature took the trouble to bring us together. I have been in the country all day, and there she seemed so gentle, so beneficent, so sympathetic. You felt like throwing yourself down among the daisies on the grass and saying, ‘Take me, everything you do must be good and wise.’ And in reality Nature is so cruel, so horribly cruel. Passion is Nature’s greatest[270] force after self-preservation, and I wonder how many thousands of lives it ruins. I never realized until recently that ‘Love is cruel as the grave’ meant that.”
“Are you blaming me for our marriage? I never persuaded you into it against your will.”
“No. Nature persuaded me into it, and Nature made these soft, delicate primroses.” She touched the flowers at her breast. “Surely it seems strange that so much gentle beauty and sordid47 cruelty should go hand-in-hand?”
He raised his thick, heavy eyebrows48. He was feeling better now. Perhaps, after all, he would go down to the club on the chance of seeing Mathews about that case on Tuesday.
“Nature has only one object in bringing men and women together,” he said slowly. Her words had reminded him of his father’s and mother’s grievance49 and hints. His father had mentioned it when he suggested giving up his seat in Parliament to him, and made it the text for a diatribe50 against the modern woman and her absent sense of duty. After all, his father was right. A man ought to have a son. “You know, Claudia, while we are speaking on this matter, my father and mother are very disappointed that——”
“Don’t!” she said sharply, the girlish, wistful look gone from her face. “How can you talk about that—now. Have you no sense of delicacy—of—of decency——?” She drew in her breath with a jerk. “Don’t ever speak again, please, of your parents’ disappointment. I know you have always considered them before me, but this is the limit.... You don’t love me—you never did love me. I will not bear children to a man who does not love me.”
He shrugged51 his shoulders and rose from the sofa. She had turned away from him, only her back was visible. The dress was cut in a low, V-shaped opening,[271] and there were two pretty dimples that invited a man’s kisses. But her husband did not notice them, he had never noticed them, and he saw only the back of a neurotic52, unreasonable53 woman. He was going towards the door when she stopped him.
“Gilbert, do you remember that afternoon at Wargrave, when I asked you if I came first.... I asked if you loved me a great deal.... Why did you lie to me? Your work, your ambition, have always come first, and after the first few months of our marriage, I have meant nothing to you.” She spoke38 quite calmly, with none of the heat and excitement she had shown on the night she had come back from the Rivingtons. “Gilbert, please answer a straight question. Why did you tell me that lie?”
She slowly inclined her head.
“I see. Perhaps you weren’t aware at the time it was a lie. You never have analysed your emotions. You meant it—at the moment. Passion had got both of us by the throat. I loved you, but although I didn’t realize it, passion blinded my eyes to your real character and how unsuitable we were to one another. And passion urged you on to marry me, when you ought to have married a nice, tame woman who would have been content with occasional crumbs55. Oh! why does Nature bring the wrong people together! Why! Why! Gilbert, I wish we had been lovers instead of husband and wife, then—then the mistake would not have been irrevocable.”
He was genuinely shocked. “Claudia, I would rather not listen to such things. Really, the licence women allow themselves nowadays—— I can’t think how such ideas enter your head.”
[272]
“All sorts of unorthodox ideas get into women’s heads nowadays. I know you can’t understand, and that’s the trouble. You were made one way and I another, and then there came a whirlwind and threw us together.” She held out her hand. “Don’t let’s quarrel any more. I begin to see things more clearly.... I was cheated by Nature, not by you. But ... certain things you were—going to speak about, are quite impossible. Those days are gone for ever. We must each in our own way make the best of the remainder of our life.... Have you decided57 to go to Le Touquet at once?”
He was puzzled by her new attitude and the calmness of the frank brown eyes that confronted him.
“Yes, I promised Fritz to get away as soon as possible. I’ve asked Colin to go over with me. I knew you wouldn’t want to leave town just now, at the beginning of the season.” He had not considered the possibility of her going with him, but something in her new, almost friendly, attitude, made him add the last sentence.
“I will come if you wish it, Gilbert.”
He hesitated. She played golf much better than he. So did Colin, but that was different. The primitive58 man was strong in Gilbert.
“I think it’s hardly worth while disarranging your plans. You’ve got heaps of engagements, haven’t you?”
“Yes, but——”
“If Colin can come, we’ll just take it quietly; golf all day and go to bed early. A fortnight of that will soon pick me up. Later on in the summer we’ll go for a holiday together.”
“Very well.”
He went towards the door again, and Claudia picked up a light wrap for her shoulders. She would be rather late for Frank’s dinner-party.
At the door he fidgeted with the handle and finally turned to her. “Perhaps I did forget to tell Marsh,[273] Claudia. Smooth him over, will you? You’re good at that kind of thing. Tell him that—er—I’ve come to the conclusion that—he didn’t hear me.”
It was on the tip of her tongue to ask him why he did not tell Marsh himself. Then she remembered her newborn resolution, and let him go his own road.
“I’ll see what I can do in the morning. Good-night, Gilbert.”
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收听单词发音
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1
leisurely
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| adj.悠闲的；从容的，慢慢的 | |
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dressing
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| n.(食物)调料；包扎伤口的用品，敷料 | |
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dawdle
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| vi.浪费时间；闲荡 | |
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quaint
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| adj.古雅的，离奇有趣的，奇怪的 | |
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scent
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| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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ass
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| n.驴；傻瓜，蠢笨的人 | |
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gaily
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| adv.欢乐地，高兴地 | |
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exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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10
primroses
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| n.报春花( primrose的名词复数 )；淡黄色；追求享乐（招至恶果） | |
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beset
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| v.镶嵌；困扰，包围 | |
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12
soothe
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| v.安慰；使平静；使减轻；缓和；奉承 | |
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13
orchards
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| （通常指围起来的）果园( orchard的名词复数 ) | |
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14
dignified
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| a.可敬的，高贵的 | |
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15
yeasting
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| 酵母( yeast的现在分词 )； 酵母菌； 发面饼； 发酵粉 | |
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brute
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| n.野兽，兽性 | |
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brew
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| v.酿造，调制 | |
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cynical
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| adj.(对人性或动机)怀疑的，不信世道向善的 | |
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19
scoffed
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| 嘲笑，嘲弄( scoff的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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scruple
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| n./v.顾忌，迟疑 | |
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23
quench
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| vt.熄灭，扑灭；压制 | |
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attain
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| vt.达到，获得，完成 | |
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slumbering
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| 微睡，睡眠（slumber的现在分词形式） | |
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jack
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| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
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illicit
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| adj.非法的，禁止的，不正当的 | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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32
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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33
justification
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| n.正当的理由；辩解的理由 | |
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34
secrecy
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| n.秘密，保密，隐蔽 | |
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harass
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| vt.使烦恼，折磨，骚扰 | |
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degradation
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| n.降级；低落；退化；陵削；降解；衰变 | |
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rendezvous
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| n.约会，约会地点，汇合点；vi.汇合，集合；vt.使汇合，使在汇合地点相遇 | |
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38
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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dictatorial
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| adj. 独裁的，专断的 | |
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40
doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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41
apoplectic
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| adj.中风的；愤怒的；n.中风患者 | |
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marsh
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| n.沼泽，湿地 | |
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43
twitched
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| vt.& vi.（使）抽动，（使）颤动（twitch的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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chambers
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| n.房间( chamber的名词复数 )；（议会的）议院；卧室；会议厅 | |
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45
bigoted
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| adj.固执己见的，心胸狭窄的 | |
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46
impersonal
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| adj.无个人感情的，与个人无关的，非人称的 | |
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47
sordid
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| adj.肮脏的，不干净的，卑鄙的，暗淡的 | |
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48
eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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49
grievance
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| n.怨愤，气恼，委屈 | |
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50
diatribe
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| n.抨击，抨击性演说 | |
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51
shrugged
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| vt.耸肩（shrug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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52
neurotic
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| adj.神经病的，神经过敏的；n.神经过敏者，神经病患者 | |
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53
unreasonable
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| adj.不讲道理的，不合情理的，过度的 | |
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54
exacting
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| adj.苛求的，要求严格的 | |
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55
crumbs
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| int. (表示惊讶)哎呀 n. 碎屑 名词crumb的复数形式 | |
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56
tinge
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| vt.(较淡)着色于，染色；使带有…气息；n.淡淡色彩，些微的气息 | |
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57
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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58
primitive
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| adj.原始的；简单的；n.原(始)人，原始事物 | |
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