When the Goblin left the Blue Boar on Saturday afternoon he also made his way out to Bancroft Road; but instead of patrolling the main street in the vague hope of catching7 a glimpse of Kathleen (as did Falstaff, Priapus, and the Iron Duke), he hunted out the hinder regions of the district. In accordance with a plan he had concocted8 before leaving Oxford, he carried a little portfolio9 of “art subjects,” of the kind dear to domestic servants, and with this in hand he approached the door of the basement back kitchen, where Ethel the cook and her assistant, Mary, the housemaid, were having a mid-afternoon cup of tea. The windings10 of the humbler lanes of service, behind the Bancroft Road houses, were the proper causeway for tradesmen, and it was easy for him to reach the back garden gate unseen by those in front.
He knocked respectfully at the kitchen door, and Mary came to answer.
“Good day, Miss,” said the supposed pedlar. “I 'ave some very pretty pictures 'ere which I wish you would let me show you.”
Mary was a simple-minded creature, but she knew that her mistress had strict rules about pedlars.
“I'm sorry,” she said, “but Missus don't let no pedlars in the house.”
“If you please, Miss,” said the artful Goblin, “I am no pedlar, but representing a very respectable photographer, and I would like to show you some photographs in the 'ope of getting your order. I 'ave taken a number of orders at the nicest 'ouses along Bancroft Road. I thought maybe you would like to 'ave a photo of yourself taken, to send to your young man.” And he opened his case, exhibiting a sheaf of appropriate photos.
It was a slender chance, but the pedlar had a wheedling11 eye and a genteel demeanour, and Mary hesitated. She called the cook, a stout12, middle-aged13 person, who came to the door to see what was up. The pedlar rapidly showed the best items of his collection, which he had selected with great care in a photographer's studio in Oxford. Fate hung in the scales, but the two servants could not resist temptation. They knew that Mrs. Kent and Miss Kathleen were upstairs sewing; and the master was confined to his study with his rheumatism14. They invited the photographer into the kitchen.
It is a psychological fact well known to housekeepers15 that there is a vacant hour in the middle of the afternoon when Satan sometimes finds a joint16 in the protective armour17 of the domestic servant. After the luncheon18 dishes are washed and put away, and before five-o'clock tea and toast are served, cook and housemaid enjoy a period of philosophic19 contemplation or siesta20. Even in the most docile21 and kitchen-broken breast thoughts of roses and romance may linger; dreams of moving pictures or the coming cotillion of the Icemen's Social Harmony. Usually this critical time is whiled away by the fiction of Nat Gould or Bertha Clay or Harold Bell Wright. And close observers of kitchen comedy will have noted22 that it is always at this fallow hour of the afternoon that pedlars and other satanic emissaries sharpen their arrows and ply23 their most plausible24 seductions.
The Goblin has never admitted just what honeyed sophistries25 he employed to win the hearts of the simple pair in Mrs. Kent's kitchen. But the facts may be briefly26 stated by the chronicler. After getting them interested in his photos he confessed frankly27 that he was an old friend of the family from Oxford. He said that he and Miss Kathleen were planning an innocent practical joke on the family, and asked if he could take the place of one of the servants for that Sunday. He made plain that his share in the joke must not be revealed to any one. And then he played his trump28 card by showing them the text of the bogus telegram recommending Miss Eliza Thick, which he had dispatched from a branch postal29 office on his way through the town.
“And is Miss Josephine in the joke, too?” inquired the cook.
This question startled the Goblin, but he kept his composure and affirmed that he and Miss Josephine had concocted the telegram jointly30 in Oxford. And by a little adroit31 pumping he learned “Joe's” status in the family. The cook, Ethel, admitted that she was to go out that evening for her Saturday night off. At last the Goblin, by desperate cunning and the exhibition of two golden sovereigns, completely won the hearts of the maids. While they were talking the door-bell rang, and Mary, returning from the upper regions, announced that it was “another telegram from Miss Joe. Missus and Miss Kathleen laughed fit to kill when they read it,” she said.
“You see?” said the Goblin. “That's the same telegram I just showed you. It's all right; it's a joke. You don't need to worry, cook. Mrs. Kent won't be angry with you. You let me take your place for to-morrow, and write a little note saying you're ill and that your friend Eliza Thick will do your work for the day.”
It was arranged that the Goblin should meet Ethel at her home that night to borrow some clothes. The cook showed him the menu for Sunday that Mrs. Kent had sent down. This rather daunted32 the candidate for kitchen honours, but he copied it in his notebook for intensive study. Then, as it was close upon tea-time, he packed up the photos, distributed his largesse33, and retired34. Mary, the housemaid, promised to stand by him in the coming ordeal35. Both the servants felt secretly flattered that they should be included in the hoax36. The kitchen classes in England have great reverence37 for young 'varsity men.
The Goblin was a canny38 man, and he had brought with him a wig39 and certain other properties. He hunted out a little tea shop, where he meditated40 over three cups of pekoe and hot buttered toast. Then he made his way to the Public Library, where he spent several hours over a cook-book. He was complimenting himself on having shaken the other Scorpions41 off his trail when Blair looked over his shoulder and caught a glimpse of the stuffed-eggs recipe to which the Goblin was addressing himself for the fourth time. The meeting was embarrassing, but it could not be helped. After Blair had left him, the cook-to-be returned to his memoranda42.
Mrs. Kent trusted many things to Ethel's judgment43, and her instructions as jotted44 down on a slip of paper included three possibilities. “Eggs, stuffed, devilled, or farci,” she had written, and the Goblin was endeavouring to decide which of these presented the least distressing45 responsibility. He was a student of mathematics, and had attempted to reduce the problem to a logical syllabus46. He read over his memoranda:
THEOREM: STUFFED EGGS.
Data: six hard, boiled-eggs (20 minutes).
(a) Cut eggs in halves lengthwise.
(b) Remove yolks, and put whites aside in pairs.
(1) Half the amount of devilled ham.
(2) Enough melted butter to make of consistency48 to shape.
(“Half what amount of devilled ham?” thought the
Goblin. “And where does the devilled ham come from? How
does one devil a ham? What a pity Henry James never
this. To make of consistency to shape—what on earth
does that mean?”)
(d) Clean and chop two chickens' livers, sprinkle with onion
juice, and saute in butter—(“No!” he cried, “that's eggs
farci. Wrong theorem!”)
(d) Make in balls (“Make what in balls?”) size of original
yolks (“Note: remember to measure original yolks before cutting
them lengthwise”).
(e) Refill whites (“Let's see, what did I fill 'em with
before?”)
(f) Form remainder of mixture into a nest. (“That's a nice
(g) Arrange eggs in the nest and
(1) Pour over one cup White Sauce.
(“Memo: See p. 266 for White Sauce.”)
(“Allow plenty of time for buttering those crumbs;
(3) Bake until crumbs are brown.
parsley.
Q. E. D.
“Integral calculus54 is a treat compared to this,” he said to himself as he reviewed the problem. “I hope they have plenty of parsley in the house. That nest may need a little protecting foliage55. I don't see how I can make any kind of proper asylum56 for those homeless, wandering eggs out of that mess.” So saying, he left the library to call upon Ethel at her home and complete his disguise.
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1
stature
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| n.（高度）水平，（高度）境界，身高，身材 | |
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Oxford
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| n.牛津（英国城市） | |
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portray
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| v.描写，描述；画(人物、景象等) | |
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rendering
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| n.表现，描写 | |
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theatrical
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| adj.剧场的，演戏的；做戏似的，做作的 | |
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chuckles
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| 轻声地笑( chuckle的名词复数 ) | |
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catching
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| adj.易传染的，有魅力的，迷人的，接住 | |
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concocted
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| v.将（尤指通常不相配合的）成分混合成某物( concoct的过去式和过去分词 )；调制；编造；捏造 | |
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9
portfolio
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| n.公事包；文件夹；大臣及部长职位 | |
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10
windings
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| （道路、河流等）蜿蜒的，弯曲的( winding的名词复数 )； 缠绕( wind的现在分词 )； 卷绕； 转动（把手） | |
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wheedling
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| v.骗取（某物），哄骗（某人干某事）( wheedle的现在分词 ) | |
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13
middle-aged
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| adj.中年的 | |
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rheumatism
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| n.风湿病 | |
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housekeepers
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| n.（女）管家( housekeeper的名词复数 ) | |
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16
joint
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| adj.联合的，共同的；n.关节，接合处；v.连接，贴合 | |
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17
armour
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| （=armor）n.盔甲；装甲部队 | |
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luncheon
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| n.午宴，午餐，便宴 | |
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philosophic
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| adj.哲学的，贤明的 | |
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siesta
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| n.午睡 | |
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21
docile
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| adj.驯服的，易控制的，容易教的 | |
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noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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ply
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| v.(搬运工等)等候顾客，弯曲 | |
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24
plausible
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| adj.似真实的，似乎有理的，似乎可信的 | |
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sophistries
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| n.诡辩术( sophistry的名词复数 )；（一次）诡辩 | |
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briefly
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| adv.简单地，简短地 | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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28
trump
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| n.王牌，法宝；v.打出王牌，吹喇叭 | |
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29
postal
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| adj.邮政的，邮局的 | |
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jointly
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| ad.联合地，共同地 | |
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31
adroit
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| adj.熟练的，灵巧的 | |
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32
daunted
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| 使（某人）气馁，威吓( daunt的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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largesse
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| n.慷慨援助，施舍 | |
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retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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ordeal
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| n.苦难经历，（尤指对品格、耐力的）严峻考验 | |
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hoax
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| v.欺骗，哄骗，愚弄；n.愚弄人，恶作剧 | |
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37
reverence
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| n.敬畏，尊敬，尊严；Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称；v.尊敬，敬畏，崇敬 | |
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38
canny
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| adj.谨慎的，节俭的 | |
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wig
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| n.假发 | |
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40
meditated
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| 深思，沉思，冥想( meditate的过去式和过去分词 )； 内心策划，考虑 | |
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41
scorpions
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| n.蝎子( scorpion的名词复数 ) | |
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42
memoranda
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| n. 备忘录, 便条 名词memorandum的复数形式 | |
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43
judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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44
jotted
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| v.匆忙记下( jot的过去式和过去分词 )；草草记下，匆匆记下 | |
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45
distressing
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| a.使人痛苦的 | |
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46
syllabus
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| n.教学大纲，课程大纲 | |
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47
mash
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| n.麦芽浆，糊状物，土豆泥；v.把…捣成糊状，挑逗，调情 | |
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48
consistency
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| n.一贯性，前后一致，稳定性；(液体的)浓度 | |
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49
lucid
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| adj.明白易懂的，清晰的，头脑清楚的 | |
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50
homely
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| adj.家常的，简朴的；不漂亮的 | |
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51
crumbs
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| int. (表示惊讶)哎呀 n. 碎屑 名词crumb的复数形式 | |
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52
ticklish
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| adj.怕痒的；问题棘手的；adv.怕痒地；n.怕痒，小心处理 | |
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53
garnish
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| n.装饰，添饰，配菜 | |
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54
calculus
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| n.微积分；结石 | |
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55
foliage
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| n.叶子，树叶，簇叶 | |
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56
asylum
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| n.避难所，庇护所，避难 | |
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