You who dare!
The Woods of Westermain.
Gardiner bought himself an outfit2 at a second-hand3 dealer's in one of the back streets off the Vauxhall Bridge Road. His plan was to ride as far as the next station before Southampton, leave his machine at the cloak-room there, and change his clothes in some wood before going on into the town. Once among the docks, he would slip on board some outward-bound ship, if he could find one about to sail and if he could evade5 the night watchman, and stow away till she was at sea. Such things are still done by gentlemen whose reasons for not signing on in public are urgent. Of course the captain might hand him over to the British consul6 at the end of the voyage—but he preferred not to think of that.
From the Portobello inn to London is exactly twenty-one miles, from London to Southampton is something under eighty: a longish journey for an out-of-practice rider on a strange machine. Gardiner left town by the Portsmouth road. The first green he passed (by such things did he count off the stages of his journey, where another man would have reckoned by inns), was Clapham Common, a dismal7 vision of lamps, railings, wet asphalt, unhappy grass, and avenues of suicidal trees. Next came Wandsworth Common; then, beyond Roehampton, Wimbledon and Richmond Park. They gave him a breath of true night sweetness, but he was in Surbiton directly, with its blazing lamps and self-complacent villas8. Gardiner hated suburbs. Better the frank vulgar life of the Vauxhall Bridge Road than their soul-destroying, smug respectability. He raced on[Pg 148] through Esher, sedate9 and pleasant old town; and with the end of Esher came the beginning of the real country.
"My soul
Freshening and fluttering in the wind...."
Beyond the palings of Claremont Park, at the entrance of the Oxshott woods, he was brought up by a puncture11. He mended it, crouching12 under a lamp beside the road. Unfenced, alluring13, dangerous, the woods pressed up behind. They sent forward their scouts14, silver birches up to their knees in bracken which crept out to the very edge of the road, black pines stalking forward, stealthy as red-skins, to peer down at the stranger. Scents15 and sounds of the forest floated out, filaments16 of enticement17. Gardiner glanced irresolutely18 down the road, while under the solemn-burning, stately procession of lamps, which marched away through the night over valley and hill. A car rushed by, steaming golden vapors19: it glared at him for an instant with big golden eyes, and was gone, with dying roar. He looked down the road of mankind; and then over his shoulder at the silent tempting20 ranks of the pines and the soft savage21 darkness that pressed close on every side. If he rested here for ten minutes or so? He was tired; and there was no hurry. He dragged his bicycle out of the ditch and wheeled it into the woods.
Moss22 underfoot; on either side the pines, scattered23 at first among fine-leaved undergrowth, then closing up in ordered ranks. His lamp tiger-striped their dark even columns till he left the machine propped24 against one of them. Even by day the heart of these woods is lonely. The trippers who sit by companies along every green ride, with their buns and oranges, never wander far from the path. Presumably they are afraid of bears. Now, by night, the whole forest was triumphantly26 savage, solitary27, and dark, so dark that Gardiner, though he had cat's eyes, sometimes greeted his friends the trees by running into them. He soon strayed from the track. Underfoot the ground became swampy28.[Pg 149] Pools of red-brown rain-water splashed him to the knee; long brambles trailed their thorns across his face.
The ground rose beneath his feet, and he found himself stumbling up a hill, his feet sinking deep in soft masses of pine-needles. Here was the summit of a ridge4, so steep and narrow that on either side he could see the pallor of the sky between the dark columns of the trees. As he followed the line of the ridge downwards29 the woods closed again, but there grew before him, low among the stems, a sort of pool of whiteness: not the sky this time, but the light of some clearing. The ridge came to its end in an abrupt30 round knoll31, the ground fell away at his feet, and there—O miracle of sudden loveliness!—before him shone a lake. Ebony and silver, polished like a mirror, misted with faint gauze, it lay in a cup of soft black woods. A rustling32 throng33 of rushes, pale and ghostly, stepped forward into the water among their slim reflections. Silver-gray and even-tinted, the sky arched above, cut by the small incisive34 crescent of the moon.
Gardiner threw himself down among the pine-needles. He gave himself to the woods, and let them work on him with their melancholy35 and voluptuous36 charm. The night took his spirit in her cool hands and smoothed it out, as the sun smoothes and strengthens the crumpled37 wings of a new-hatched butterfly. It was not enough that he should steep himself in loveliness; a thousand light touches were stilling and charming every nerve of sensation, smell and touch and hearing as well as sight. There was the surging murmur38 of the wind among the pines; night perfumes of water and forest; warm elastic39 softness of the fir-needles under his tired body. The old pagan earth was whispering her seductions into his ear.
"Love and joy be thine, O spirit, for ever;
Serve thy sweet desire; despise endeavor."
"If you're afraid of a thing, I should think you'd want to face it and prove to yourself that you aren't."
The words floated into his head out of nowhere. He[Pg 150] could hear the very intonation40 of Lettice's voice. "What folly41!" he said to himself, and laughed the memory away. Nevertheless, a sharp little dart42 of discomfort43 stuck fast in his self-complacency, and, smarting, forced him to think. How much better it was to lie here free in the woods than in a police court cell! to listen to the wind in the pines rather than to a casual "drunk and dis" banging on his door! Yes, said a voice, rising unexpectedly within him to take sides with Lettice, but does one live only for what is comfortable? "That's all the more reason for staying." There was Lettice's answer, net and uncompromising. She would not have run away. Denis, then: how would he have taken it? Denis, more single-minded, would not even have felt the temptation—it would never have occurred to him that to run away was possible. No, the fact was not to be blinked; what he was doing would surprise and disappoint both these friends of his. Be it so, then, he told himself, defiant44; he would still do it, even in the face of these disapproving45 witnesses.
In the face of another Witness, moreover. Men who live close to nature cannot escape from the presence of God. Only for a very few years of his very early youth had Gardiner been able to be a materialist46. As soon as the soul was born in him (about the age of eighteen; for boys haven't souls, only the rudiments) he had begun to be conscious of the august and gracious Power which held him as in the hollow of a hand. The feeling was intermittent47, the grip at times relaxed, but it never let him free. Now, to his anger and terror, he felt again the pressure of that control. The Hand that held him forced on him no action: but gently, steadily48, inexorably, it turned him to face the truth, bidding him see what he was doing. He struggled against it with passion, trying to avert49 his eyes, trying to get back to the spirit of the woods, but in vain. And then suddenly his resistance collapsed50, and he looked. Yes! he was running away. He was letting his weakness rule. He was destroying the love of his friends, failing them, failing too the Power which had created him to be a fighter, not a[Pg 151] shirker. He blinded his eyes no longer, he did not tell himself that he was taking the only sensible course; he owned that his flight was contemptible51. But what else could he do? "I can't go back now!" he said, panic knocking at his heart. "If I'd owned up in the first instance it would have been all right, and I wish to God I had; but now—now I've made it impossible for them to do anything but convict. Oh, what on earth shall I do?"
"Face it," said the inner voice. "Look your fear in the eyes, and look it down. Never mind the cost." And after a pause of struggling terror it spoke52 again: "If you fail now, it will not be the end; it will be the beginning. You will fail again, and worse. You will go down among the cowards and weaklings. You will lose Denis; you will lose Lettice. Do you know what that means? Look, my child, look well before you do this thing. Weigh what it will cost you."
He weighed it, desperate now under that soft inexorable pressure. He saw, rebelling against the vision, all his future loss. Turning from that, he saw, on the other side, prison, and the tide of panic rushing towards him. Already it was cold about his feet. He could not bear it; he fled for refuge to his old purpose. He must get away. To that thought he clung, lifting his agonized53 face. "What else can I do? What else can I do?"
And then down came the thunder of the Presence all around him, sweeping54 him from his poor little foothold. "Do, poor weak human child? Trust Me. I will be your strength. Lay your hand in mine and have no fear."
He went down, down, drowned in gulfs of agony, blinded by the light of God. Did he decide for himself, of free will, or was the choice taken out of his hands? It seemed so to him; but in reality it was his own past self which decided55, the sum of the courage and the discipline which he had learned in common practice day by day. For God does not save us against our will; and the measure of the triumphant25 strength which he pours into us in moments of stress is the measure of our own past efforts.
[Pg 152]
Gardiner lifted his head. The moon was gone now, behind the trees, which threw black shadows across the argent of the lake. He was cold and stiff and desperately56 tired, but he stood up and began to retrace57 his steps towards the road. Soon the topaz-gleaming lamps shone through the trees, and he came out not a hundred yards from the point where he had left his bicycle. There was Mars, the star of battles, shining over the glow of London. In the opposite direction lay Southampton and the sea. He turned his back on these, and rode towards that star.
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1
enchanted
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| adj. 被施魔法的，陶醉的，入迷的 动词enchant的过去式和过去分词 | |
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2
outfit
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| n.（为特殊用途的）全套装备，全套服装 | |
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second-hand
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| adj.用过的，旧的，二手的 | |
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ridge
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| n.山脊；鼻梁；分水岭 | |
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evade
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| vt.逃避，回避；避开，躲避 | |
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consul
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| n.领事；执政官 | |
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dismal
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| adj.阴沉的，凄凉的，令人忧郁的，差劲的 | |
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8
villas
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| 别墅，公馆( villa的名词复数 )； （城郊）住宅 | |
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sedate
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| adj.沉着的，镇静的，安静的 | |
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scroll
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| n.卷轴，纸卷；(石刻上的)漩涡 | |
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puncture
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| n.刺孔，穿孔；v.刺穿，刺破 | |
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12
crouching
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| v.屈膝，蹲伏( crouch的现在分词 ) | |
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alluring
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| adj.吸引人的，迷人的 | |
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14
scouts
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| 侦察员[机，舰]( scout的名词复数 )； 童子军； 搜索； 童子军成员 | |
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15
scents
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| n.香水( scent的名词复数 )；气味；（动物的）臭迹；（尤指狗的）嗅觉 | |
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16
filaments
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| n.（电灯泡的）灯丝( filament的名词复数 )；丝极；细丝；丝状物 | |
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17
enticement
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| n.诱骗，诱人 | |
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irresolutely
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| adv.优柔寡断地 | |
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19
vapors
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| n.水汽，水蒸气，无实质之物( vapor的名词复数 )；自夸者；幻想 [药]吸入剂 [古]忧郁（症）v.自夸，（使）蒸发( vapor的第三人称单数 ) | |
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20
tempting
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| a.诱人的, 吸引人的 | |
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21
savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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22
moss
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| n.苔，藓，地衣 | |
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23
scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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24
propped
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| 支撑，支持，维持( prop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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25
triumphant
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| adj.胜利的，成功的；狂欢的，喜悦的 | |
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triumphantly
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| ad.得意洋洋地；得胜地；成功地 | |
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27
solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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28
swampy
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| adj.沼泽的，湿地的 | |
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29
downwards
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| adj./adv.向下的（地），下行的（地） | |
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30
abrupt
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| adj.突然的，意外的；唐突的，鲁莽的 | |
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31
knoll
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| n.小山，小丘 | |
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32
rustling
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| n. 瑟瑟声，沙沙声 adj. 发沙沙声的 | |
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33
throng
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| n.人群，群众；v.拥挤，群集 | |
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incisive
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| adj.敏锐的，机敏的，锋利的，切入的 | |
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melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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36
voluptuous
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| adj.肉欲的，骄奢淫逸的 | |
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37
crumpled
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| adj. 弯扭的, 变皱的 动词crumple的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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38
murmur
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| n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言 | |
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39
elastic
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| n.橡皮圈，松紧带；adj.有弹性的；灵活的 | |
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40
intonation
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| n.语调，声调；发声 | |
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41
folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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42
dart
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| v.猛冲，投掷；n.飞镖，猛冲 | |
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43
discomfort
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| n.不舒服，不安，难过，困难，不方便 | |
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44
defiant
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| adj.无礼的，挑战的 | |
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45
disapproving
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| adj.不满的，反对的v.不赞成( disapprove的现在分词 ) | |
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46
materialist
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| n. 唯物主义者 | |
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47
intermittent
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| adj.间歇的，断断续续的 | |
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48
steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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49
avert
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| v.防止，避免；转移(目光、注意力等) | |
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50
collapsed
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| adj.倒塌的 | |
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51
contemptible
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| adj.可鄙的，可轻视的，卑劣的 | |
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52
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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53
agonized
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| v.使（极度）痛苦，折磨( agonize的过去式和过去分词 )；苦斗；苦苦思索；感到极度痛苦 | |
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54
sweeping
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| adj.范围广大的，一扫无遗的 | |
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55
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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56
desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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57
retrace
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| v.折回；追溯，探源 | |
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