At the moment when Lettice and Dorothea were sitting down to bread and salt in Canning Street, Denis was leaning over a rustic1 bridge in the garden of Mrs. Byrne's week-end cottage.
By what difficult, obscure, and tortuous2 paths he had been wandering in those days he could not have told, nor could any one have followed. Dorothea had done him the worst injury; she had broken his faith. His love and his religion were so closely intertwined that they fell together, with a crash that numbed3 sensation. The world turned gray and all the lamps went out. If he could not believe in God, Denis could believe in nothing and love nothing. He did not know what was wrong with him; he was not actively4 and consciously unhappy, but he was bored—sick of himself, sick of his work, sick of all he had been and done in all his life before.
He stayed on at Bredon from force of habit, because it was too much trouble to make up his mind to go elsewhere. The trial at Westby broke this routine; and the heavy sentence on his friend, outraging5 his sense of justice, snapped another of the links that held him to his former life. What was the good of virtue6, he asked himself (seriously, as a novel idea), if this was to be its reward? What had he ever got by it himself? Why shouldn't he try pleasure for a change? Why not, indeed? Conscience made no protest; that was one of the lamps which had gone out. When he left Westby he did not go back to Bredon; he[Pg 196] stayed in town, with the deliberate intention of "seeing life."
In pursuit of this ambition he visited music halls, which he regarded as temples of gay vice7, and tried to cultivate the more frivolous8 of his male acquaintance, and even went so far as to put in an appearance at a night club—and was more profoundly bored than ever. One evening he laid himself out conscientiously9 to get drunk. This was not a success; it ended in a bilious10 attack and a long distaste for whisky. Another time he sat down to play "chimmy" with the most inveterate11 gamblers he knew. Beginner's luck helped him at first to win five pounds, which didn't excite him; then he lost twenty, and was disproportionately annoyed. Nature had not cut out Denis for a roué. He did not amuse himself or any one else. Even Bredon and the seaplane were better than this. He would have given up and gone back to them in despair, if he had not happened to fall in with Mrs. Byrne.
She was sitting in her car in a lonely lane at ten o'clock at night when he saw her first, weeping tears of rage because her chauffeur12 had sunk down, snoring drunk, and she could not stir him. Such things did happen to Mrs. Byrne. Denis came to the rescue; he ejected the chauffeur by the wayside, and took the lady home himself. She was very grateful, and invited him to dinner. It was a pleasant house, and one met amusing people—literary, artistic13, a little out of the usual set which had bored Denis so desperately14. He liked his pretty, feather-witted hostess, too, and she liked him; indeed, before long it was plain that she more than liked him. It was not plain to Denis, who remained virtuously15 stiff as a ramrod long after the clubs were betting on Byrne's chance of bringing off his divorce this time. Mrs. Byrne had fallen headlong in love, and she was incapable16 of discretion17.
When at last the truth dawned on Denis, his first impulse was to bolt. But he did not allow himself to do so. He stayed on, deliberately18 exposing himself to temptation in the hope that it would tempt19 him. He found it a hard struggle to be wicked. So far, then, Lettice was right; he[Pg 197] had not yet committed himself. She was right, too, in thinking that the scene at Olympia would decide things one way or another. Denis believed himself to be quite indifferent to Dorothea; yet her face (he could not have said how) had given him the slight deciding push, and he returned to Mrs. Byrne with his mind made up.
The brook20 by which he stood, patched with silver by the young March moon, found its way between bronze-stemmed alders21, past willows22 cloudy in pollen-yellow, under banks where the kingcups spread their nosegays of burnished23 green and gold. Violets, invisible but sweet, clustered at the root of every rose. The scene was set for lovers, and Denis had been making love. Did he do it well? It might have been worse. There had been opposition24 to overcome, unexpected, stimulating25: Evey Byrne with a conscience, forsooth! Denis had tasted the first-fruits of pleasure in crushing down her scruples26 and making her own she loved him. He had wrung27 out the confession28 without mercy. She tried to hold him off with her weak little hands against his breast.
"Ah, but ye don't truly love me, Denis!"
"Don't I?" said Denis, kissing her fawn-soft eyes and sweet, half-reluctant lips.
"Ah, but 'tis so wicked! God'll never forgive us!"
"There is no God that counts," Denis answered. He kissed her again. He had no idea that in his heart he was kissing Dorothea.
That was ten minutes ago. Was it time yet? Hardly, he decided29; he might allow himself to finish his cigar. Alas30! out of her presence the blaze had all too quickly died down. Mrs. Byrne was sweet, but she bored him like everything else. Still, he would go to her; yes, he would certainly go in a minute. It was his duty to see the thing through. (Naturam expellas furca—it seemed that Denis could not get away from that word!)
What a fool he was! Who would believe that he had reached his present age in his present state of innocence31? He hoped Mrs. Byrne hadn't found it out, but he was rather afraid she had. If Denis had been honest with himself he[Pg 198] would have had to admit that one reason why he lingered here by the river, instead of seeking the welcome that awaited him, was that he was shy. Too ignominious32, that; he shuffled33 away from the thought. He was dissatisfied with himself all round. Why couldn't he behave like other men? In the old days at Bredon how gloriously happy he had been, with the delicate engine of his brain working at full pressure, solving problems faster than his pencil could write them down! Now, it seemed, he could neither play nor work. What was it he had been sticking over, that last evening before he went to Westby? The everlasting34 difficulty, speed versus35 safety. There had been one or two rather clever things in the show to-day. The Sturt bus, that used I-struts, as he had meant to do; but the chord of the wings was too large, the stresses would be impossibly high. Why on earth couldn't Sturt see—
Who can tell whence ideas come? Inter-stellar drift? Some beam from the eternal verities36 shone suddenly in Denis's brain. He pulled out an old envelope and began covering it with rapid calculations. Ten minutes later, when he next looked up, there was scarcely room for another figure. He had come to a halt; he could go no further without referring to his old work. What time was it? He peered at his watch in the moonlight. Half-past ten: if he got up to town to-night, and slept at the Grosvenor, he could catch the five-forty down and be at Bredon in time for breakfast. He thrust the sheet of calculations into his pocket, and, with about one-twentieth of his mind upon the scene, started for the house. Coming in sight of its lighted windows, however, he slackened and stopped. Mrs. Byrne. There was not much sense left in his head, but it had occurred to him that his errand might be awkward to explain in person.
Denis never had been, or would be, afflicted37 with self-consciousness. He turned back from the lawn, skulked38 like a burglar through shrubberies and behind trees, and climbed in at the window of the room where they had dined. Still without a thought of false shame, he sat down at Mrs.[Pg 199] Byrne's own writing-table, and wrote with Mrs. Byrne's own pen, on her own paper. Another man might have found some difficulty in putting into words what he had to say; to Denis it seemed quite simple.
"My dearest Evey,—I was standing39 on your bridge just now, thinking of nothing else likely, when suddenly an idea flashed into my head which settles a problem that has worried me for years. If it works out as it should, it will make a revolution in aircraft design. There's been nothing like it since the Wrights. So I shall have to get straight back into harness. You'll forgive me, I know." Here he paused, and debated whether to quote, "I could not love thee, dear, so much," but decided against it. Mrs. Byrne was not literary. "One has to put the big things first, hasn't one? And after all, this hits me even harder than it hits you." Denis was pleased with this phrase. "If all goes well, I will come back and make my apologies in person. I am not waiting now, because I am afraid if I saw you I might not go." He was even better pleased with this. A satisfied smile overspread his face as he signed himself, "Devotedly40 yours," a form which he had never used before, and which took him some time to excogitate. Then he rang the bell, gave the note to a servant, and took himself off—again by the window.
"Make my apologies in person." Denis, it will be seen, was not repentant41. He returned, as he had promised, a week later, prepared to pick up the thread of his adventure and do his duty to its boring end. He was surprised—surprised and aggrieved—to learn that Mrs. Byrne was not at home. "But she was expectin' me!" he said, quite indignant, to the model of decorum who stood guardian42 at the gate.
"Yes, sir. She asked me to give you this note," said the model without moving an eyelid43. But he scanned Denis's face very inquisitively44 as he tore open the paper and read:
"Denis darling, this is God. I tried to steal you away from Him, but He won't let me have you. I knew all the[Pg 200] time how wrong it was. It has all been my fault. I am going where I can pray for you and pray to be forgiven. Oh! don't be angry with me, and don't let her be angry with me. I have been very wicked, but I did love you so.
"Evey."
The decorous Morris, who read this note (for of course Mrs. Byrne had omitted to seal it), got little by his scrutiny45. The visitor did not stamp, nor swear, nor turn red, nor pale; he read through his dismissal with a very singular expression of gravity, turned away, came back absently to slip a tip into the man's hand, and finally strode off down the drive, carrying his handsome head, as poor Camille said of his enemy, like the saint sacrament, his dark blue Irish eyes fixed46 on far distant horizons.
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1
rustic
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| adj.乡村的，有乡村特色的；n.乡下人，乡巴佬 | |
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tortuous
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| adj.弯弯曲曲的，蜿蜒的 | |
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numbed
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| v.使麻木，使麻痹( numb的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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actively
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| adv.积极地，勤奋地 | |
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outraging
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| 引起…的义愤，激怒( outrage的现在分词 ) | |
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6
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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7
vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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8
frivolous
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| adj.轻薄的；轻率的 | |
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conscientiously
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| adv.凭良心地；认真地，负责尽职地；老老实实 | |
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10
bilious
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| adj.胆汁过多的；易怒的 | |
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inveterate
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| adj.积习已深的，根深蒂固的 | |
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12
chauffeur
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| n.(受雇于私人或公司的)司机；v.为…开车 | |
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artistic
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| adj.艺术(家)的，美术(家)的；善于艺术创作的 | |
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desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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virtuously
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| 合乎道德地，善良地 | |
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incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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discretion
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| n.谨慎；随意处理 | |
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deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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tempt
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| vt.引诱，勾引，吸引，引起…的兴趣 | |
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brook
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| n.小河，溪；v.忍受，容让 | |
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alders
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| n.桤木( alder的名词复数 ) | |
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willows
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| n.柳树( willow的名词复数 )；柳木 | |
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burnished
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| adj.抛光的，光亮的v.擦亮（金属等），磨光( burnish的过去式和过去分词 )；被擦亮，磨光 | |
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24
opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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stimulating
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| adj.有启发性的，能激发人思考的 | |
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scruples
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| n.良心上的不安( scruple的名词复数 )；顾虑，顾忌v.感到于心不安，有顾忌( scruple的第三人称单数 ) | |
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27
wrung
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| 绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 )； 握紧（尤指别人的手）； 把（湿衣服）拧干； 绞掉（水） | |
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28
confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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29
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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30
alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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31
innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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32
ignominious
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| adj.可鄙的，不光彩的，耻辱的 | |
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33
shuffled
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| v.洗（纸牌）( shuffle的过去式和过去分词 )；拖着脚步走；粗心地做；摆脱尘世的烦恼 | |
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34
everlasting
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| adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的 | |
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35
versus
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| prep.以…为对手，对；与…相比之下 | |
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verities
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| n.真实( verity的名词复数 )；事实；真理；真实的陈述 | |
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afflicted
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| 使受痛苦，折磨( afflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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38
skulked
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| v.潜伏，偷偷摸摸地走动，鬼鬼祟祟地活动( skulk的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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39
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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40
devotedly
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| 专心地； 恩爱地； 忠实地； 一心一意地 | |
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41
repentant
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| adj.对…感到悔恨的 | |
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42
guardian
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| n.监护人；守卫者，保护者 | |
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43
eyelid
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| n.眼睑，眼皮 | |
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44
inquisitively
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| 过分好奇地； 好问地 | |
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45
scrutiny
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| n.详细检查，仔细观察 | |
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46
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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