But I am not entirely10 of the vulgar opinion. The finished politician may not be a subject for odes, but a political education is a great asset to any man. Our Mess President, William, once assisted a friend to lose a parliamentary election, and his experience has been invaluable11 to us. The moment we are tired of fighting and want billets, the Squadron sits down where it is and the Skipper passes the word along for William. William dusts his boots, adjusts his tie and heads for the most prepossessing farm in sight. Arrived there, he takes off his hat to the dog, pats the pig, asks the cow after the calf12, salutes13 the farmer, curtsies to the farmeress, then turning to the inevitable14 baby, exclaims in the language of the country, "Mong Jew, kell jolly ongfong" (Gosh, what a topping kid!), and bending tenderly over it imprints15 a lingering kiss upon its india-rubber features and wins the freedom of the farm. The Mess may make use of the kitchen; the spare bed is at the Skipper's disposal; the cow will move up and make room for the First Mate; the pig will be only too happy to welcome the Subalterns to its modest abode16.
Ordinary billeting officers stand no chance against our William and his political education. "That fellow," I heard one disgruntled competitor remark to him, "would hug the devil for a knob of coke." Once only did he meet his match, and a battle of Titans resulted.
In pursuit of his business he entered a certain farmhouse17, to find the baby already in possession of another officer, a heavy red creature with a monocle, who was rocking the infant's cradle seventy-five revolutions per minute and making dulcet18 noises on a moustache comb.
William's heart fell to his field boots; he recognised the red creature's markings immediately. This was another politician; no bloodless victory would be his; fur would fly first, powder burn—Wow!
The red person must have tumbled to William as well, for he increased the revolutions to one hundred and forty per minute and broke into a shrill19 lullaby of his own impromptu20 composition:
"Go to sleep, Mummy's liddle Did-ums;
Go to sleep, Daddy's liddle Thing-me-jig."
Nevertheless this did not baffle our William. He approached from a flank, deftly21 twitched22 the infant out of its cradle by the scruff of its neck, and commenced to plaster it with tender kisses. However the red man tailed it as it went past and hung on, kissing any bits he could reach. When the mother reappeared they were worrying the baby between them as a couple of hound puppies worry the hind23 leg of a cub24. She beat them faithfully with a broom and hove both of them out into the wide wet world, and we all slept in a bog25 that night, and William was much abused and loathed26. But that was his only failure.
If getting billets is William's job, getting rid of them is the Babe's affair. William, like myself, has far too great a mastery of the patois27 to handle delicate situations with success. For instance, when the farmer approaches me with tidings that my troopers have burnt two ploughshares and a crowbar, and my troop-horses have masticated28 a brick wall, I engage him in palaver29, with the result that we eventually part, I under the impression that the incident is closed, and he under the impression that I have promised to buy him a new farm. This leads to all sorts of international complications.
The Babe, on the other hand, regards a knowledge of French as immoral30 and only knows enough of it to order himself a drink. He is also gifted with a slight stutter, which under the stress of a foreign language becomes chronic31. So when we evacuate32 a billet William furnishes the Babe with enough money to compensate33 the farmer for all damages we have not committed, and then effaces34 himself. Donning a bright smile the Babe approaches the farmer and presses the lucre35 into his honest palm.
"Hi," says the worthy36 fellow, "what is this, then? One hundred francs! Where is the seventy-four francs, six centimes for the fleas37 your dog stole? The two hundred francs, three centimes for the indigestion your rations38 gave my pig? The eight thousand and ninety-nine francs, five centimes insurance money I should have collected if your brigands39 had not stopped my barn from burning?—and all the other little damages, three million, eight hundred thousand and forty-four francs, one centime in all—where is it, hein?"
"Ec-c-coutez une moment," the Babe begins. "Jer p-p-poovay expliquay tut—tut—tut—tut—sh-sh-shiss——" says he, loosening his stammer40 at rapid fire, popping and hissing41, rushing and hitching42 like a red-hot machine-gun with a siphon attachment43. In five minutes the farmer is white in the face and imploring44 the Babe to let bygones be bygones. "N-n-not a b-bit of it, old t-top," says the Babe. "Jer p-p-poovay exp-p-pliquay b-b-bub-bub-bub——" and away it goes again like a combined steam riveter45 and shower bath, like the water coming down at Lodore. No farmer however hardy46 has been known to stand more than twenty minutes of this. A quarter of an hour usually sees him bolting and barring himself into the cellar, with the Babe blowing him kisses of fond farewell through the key-hole.
We are billeted on a farm at the present moment.
The Skipper occupies the best bed; the rest of us are doing the al fresco47 touch in tents and bivouacs scattered48 about the surrounding landscape. We are on very intimate terms with the genial49 farmyard folk. Every morning I awake to find half a dozen hens and their gentleman friend roosting along my anatomy50. One of the hens laid an egg in my ear this morning. William says she mistook it for her nest, but I take it the hen, as an honest bird, was merely paying rent for the roost.
The Babe turned up at breakfast this morning wearing only half a moustache. He said a goat had browsed51 off the other half while he slept. The poor beast has been having fits of giggles52 ever since—a moustache must be very ticklish53 to digest.
Yesterday MacTavish, while engaged in taking his tub in the open, noticed that his bath-water was mysteriously sinking lower and lower. Turning round to investigate the cause of the phenomenon he beheld54 a gentle milch privily55 sucking it up behind his back. There was a strong flavour of Coal Tar6 soap in the cafè au lait to-day.
This morning at dawn I was aroused by a cold foot pawing at my face. Blinking awake, I observed Albert Edward in rosy56 pyjamas57 capering58 beside my bed. "Show a leg, quick," he whispered. "Rouse out, and Uncle will show boysey pretty picture."
Brushing aside the coverlet of fowl59, I followed him tiptoe across the dewy mead60 to the tarpaulin61 which he and MacTavish call "home."
Albert Edward lifted a flap and signed me to peep within. It was, as he had promised, a pretty picture.
At the foot of our MacTavish's mattress62, under a spare blanket lifted from that warrior63 in his sleep, lay a large pink pig. Both were occupied in peaceful and stertorous64 repose65.
"Heads of Angels, by Sir Joshua Reynolds," breathed Albert Edward in my ear.
点击收听单词发音
1 trenches | |
深沟,地沟( trench的名词复数 ); 战壕 | |
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2 dummies | |
n.仿制品( dummy的名词复数 );橡皮奶头;笨蛋;假传球 | |
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3 shreds | |
v.撕碎,切碎( shred的第三人称单数 );用撕毁机撕毁(文件) | |
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4 demon | |
n.魔鬼,恶魔 | |
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5 bomber | |
n.轰炸机,投弹手,投掷炸弹者 | |
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6 tar | |
n.柏油,焦油;vt.涂或浇柏油/焦油于 | |
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7 lurking | |
潜在 | |
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8 grits | |
n.粗磨粉;粗面粉;粗燕麦粉;粗玉米粉;细石子,砂粒等( grit的名词复数 );勇气和毅力v.以沙砾覆盖(某物),撒沙砾于( grit的第三人称单数 );咬紧牙关 | |
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9 bowling | |
n.保龄球运动 | |
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10 entirely | |
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地 | |
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11 invaluable | |
adj.无价的,非常宝贵的,极为贵重的 | |
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12 calf | |
n.小牛,犊,幼仔,小牛皮 | |
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13 salutes | |
n.致敬,欢迎,敬礼( salute的名词复数 )v.欢迎,致敬( salute的第三人称单数 );赞扬,赞颂 | |
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14 inevitable | |
adj.不可避免的,必然发生的 | |
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15 imprints | |
n.压印( imprint的名词复数 );痕迹;持久影响 | |
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16 abode | |
n.住处,住所 | |
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17 farmhouse | |
n.农场住宅(尤指主要住房) | |
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18 dulcet | |
adj.悦耳的 | |
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19 shrill | |
adj.尖声的;刺耳的;v尖叫 | |
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20 impromptu | |
adj.即席的,即兴的;adv.即兴的(地),无准备的(地) | |
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21 deftly | |
adv.灵巧地,熟练地,敏捷地 | |
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22 twitched | |
vt.& vi.(使)抽动,(使)颤动(twitch的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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23 hind | |
adj.后面的,后部的 | |
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24 cub | |
n.幼兽,年轻无经验的人 | |
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25 bog | |
n.沼泽;室...陷入泥淖 | |
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26 loathed | |
v.憎恨,厌恶( loathe的过去式和过去分词 );极不喜欢 | |
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27 patois | |
n.方言;混合语 | |
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28 masticated | |
v.咀嚼( masticate的过去式和过去分词 );粉碎,磨烂 | |
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29 palaver | |
adj.壮丽堂皇的;n.废话,空话 | |
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30 immoral | |
adj.不道德的,淫荡的,荒淫的,有伤风化的 | |
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31 chronic | |
adj.(疾病)长期未愈的,慢性的;极坏的 | |
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32 evacuate | |
v.遣送;搬空;抽出;排泄;大(小)便 | |
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33 compensate | |
vt.补偿,赔偿;酬报 vi.弥补;补偿;抵消 | |
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34 effaces | |
v.擦掉( efface的第三人称单数 );抹去;超越;使黯然失色 | |
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35 lucre | |
n.金钱,财富 | |
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36 worthy | |
adj.(of)值得的,配得上的;有价值的 | |
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37 fleas | |
n.跳蚤( flea的名词复数 );爱财如命;没好气地(拒绝某人的要求) | |
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38 rations | |
定量( ration的名词复数 ); 配给量; 正常量; 合理的量 | |
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39 brigands | |
n.土匪,强盗( brigand的名词复数 ) | |
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40 stammer | |
n.结巴,口吃;v.结结巴巴地说 | |
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41 hissing | |
n. 发嘶嘶声, 蔑视 动词hiss的现在分词形式 | |
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42 hitching | |
搭乘; (免费)搭乘他人之车( hitch的现在分词 ); 搭便车; 攀上; 跃上 | |
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43 attachment | |
n.附属物,附件;依恋;依附 | |
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44 imploring | |
恳求的,哀求的 | |
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45 riveter | |
打铆机; 铆枪; 铆工 | |
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46 hardy | |
adj.勇敢的,果断的,吃苦的;耐寒的 | |
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47 fresco | |
n.壁画;vt.作壁画于 | |
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48 scattered | |
adj.分散的,稀疏的;散步的;疏疏落落的 | |
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49 genial | |
adj.亲切的,和蔼的,愉快的,脾气好的 | |
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50 anatomy | |
n.解剖学,解剖;功能,结构,组织 | |
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51 browsed | |
v.吃草( browse的过去式和过去分词 );随意翻阅;(在商店里)随便看看;(在计算机上)浏览信息 | |
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52 giggles | |
n.咯咯的笑( giggle的名词复数 );傻笑;玩笑;the giggles 止不住的格格笑v.咯咯地笑( giggle的第三人称单数 ) | |
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53 ticklish | |
adj.怕痒的;问题棘手的;adv.怕痒地;n.怕痒,小心处理 | |
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54 beheld | |
v.看,注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 );瞧;看呀;(叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现)哎哟 | |
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55 privily | |
adv.暗中,秘密地 | |
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56 rosy | |
adj.美好的,乐观的,玫瑰色的 | |
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57 pyjamas | |
n.(宽大的)睡衣裤 | |
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58 capering | |
v.跳跃,雀跃( caper的现在分词 );蹦蹦跳跳 | |
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59 fowl | |
n.家禽,鸡,禽肉 | |
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60 mead | |
n.蜂蜜酒 | |
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61 tarpaulin | |
n.涂油防水布,防水衣,防水帽 | |
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62 mattress | |
n.床垫,床褥 | |
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63 warrior | |
n.勇士,武士,斗士 | |
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64 stertorous | |
adj.打鼾的 | |
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65 repose | |
v.(使)休息;n.安息 | |
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