Personally I was quite willing to be represented at the National Portrait Gallery by a coloured copy of the presentment described above, but my home authorities thought otherwise, and when last I was in England on leave—shortly after the Battle of Agincourt—they shooed me off to Valpré. "Go to Valpré," they said; "he is so artistic7." So to Valpré I went, and was admitted by a handmaid who waved a white hand vaguely8 towards a selection of doors, murmuring, "Wait there, please." I opened the nearest door at a venture and entered.
In the waiting-room three other handmaids were at work on photographs. One was painting dimples on a lady's cheek; one filling in gaps in a Second-Lieutenant9's moustache; one straightening the salient of a stockbroker's waistcoat. Presently the first handmaid reappeared and somewhat curtly10 (I was waiting in the wrong room, it seemed) informed me that the Master was ready. So I went upstairs to the operating theatre. After an impressive interval11 a curtain was thrust aside and the Master entered. He was not in the least like the artist of my first photograph, who had chirruped and done tricks with an indiarubber monkey to make me prick12 my ears and appear sagacious. This man had the mane of a poodle, a plush smoking-jacket with rococo13 trimmings, satin cravat14, rings and bangles like the lads in La Bohème, and I knew myself to be in the presence of True Art, and bowed my head.
At the sight of me he winced15 visibly; didn't seem to like my looks at all. However he pulled himself together and advanced to reconnoitre. He pushed me into a chair, manipulated some screws at the back, and I found my head fast in a steel clamp. I pleaded for gas or cocaine16, but he took no notice and prowled off to the far end of the theatre to observe if distance would lend any enchantment17. Apparently18 it would not. The more he saw of me the less he seemed to admire the view.
Suddenly the fire of inspiration lit his eye and he came for me. I struggled with the clamp, but it clave like a bull-terrier to a mutton chop. In a moment he had me by the head and started to mould it nearer to his heart's desire with plump powerful hands. He crammed19 half my lower jaw20 into my breast pocket, pinned my ears back so tightly that they wouldn't wag for weeks, pressed my nose down with his thumb as though it were the button of an electric bell and generally kneaded my features from the early Hibernian to the late Gr?co-Roman. Then, before they could rebound21 to their normal positions, he had sprung back, jerked the lanyard and fired the camera.
Some weeks later the finished photographs arrived. The handmaids had done their bit, and the result was a pleasing portraiture22, an objet d'art, an ornament23 to anybody's family album. The man Valpré was an artist all right.
A few days ago the Skipper whistled me into the orderly room. His table was littered with parade states, horse-registers and slips of cardboard, all intermingled. The Skipper himself appeared to be undergoing some heavy mental disturbance24. His forehead was furrowed25, his toupet rumpled26, and he sucked his fountain-pen, unconsciously imbibing27 much dark nourishment28.
"Identification cards," he explained, indicating the slips. "Got to carry 'em now. Comply with Italian regulations. Been trying to describe you. Napoo." He prodded29 the result towards me. I scanned it and decided30 he had got it mixed with horse-registers. It read as follows:—
Born . . . . . . . Yes.
Height . . . . . . 17 hands.
Hair . . . . . . . Bay.
Eyes . . . . . . . Two.
Nose . . . . . . . Undulating.
Complexion32 . . . . Natural.
Special Marks . .
The Skipper pointed33 to the blank space. "That's what I want to know—special marks. Got any? Snip34, blaze, white fetlock, anything?"
"Yessir," said I. "Strawberry patch on off gaskin."
He sucked thoughtfully at his fountain-pen. "Mmph," he said, "shouldn't mention it if I were you. Don't want to have to undress in the middle of the street every time you meet an Intelligence, do you?" I agreed that I did not—not before June, anyhow. The Skipper turned to the card again and frowned.
"Couldn't call it a speaking likeness35 exactly, this little pen-picture of you, could one? If you only had a photograph of yourself now."
"I have, Sir," said I brightly.
"Good Lord, man, why didn't you say so before? Here, take this and paste the thing in. Now trot36 away."
Yesterday evening Albert Edward and I were riding out of a certain Italian town (no names, no pack drill). Albert Edward got involved in a right-of-way argument between five bullock wagons38 and two lorries, and I jogged on ahead. On the fringe of the town was a barrier presided over by a brace39 of Carabinieri caparisoned with war material, whiskers and cocked hats of the style popularised by Bonaparte. Also an officer. As I moved to pass the barrier the officer spied me and, not liking40 my looks (as I hinted before, nobody does), signed to me to halt. Had I an identification card, please? I had and handed it to him. He took the card and ran a keen eye over the Skipper's little pen-picture and Valpré's "Portrait Study," then over their alleged41 original. "Lieutenant," said he grimly, "these don't tally42. This is not you."
I protested that it was. He shook his head with great conviction, "Never! The nose in this photograph is straight; the ears retiring; the jaw, normal. While with you—— [Continental politeness restrained him]. Lieutenant, you must come with me."
He beckoned43 to a Napoleonic corporal, who approached, clanking his war material. I saw myself posed for a firing squad44 at grey dawn and shivered all over. I detest45 early rising.
By this time the corporal had outflanked me, clanking more munitions46, and I was on the point of being marched off to the Bastille, or whatever they call it, when Albert Edward suddenly insinuated47 himself into the party and addressed himself to the officer. "Half a minute, Mongsewer [any foreigner is Mongsewer to Albert Edward]. The photograph is of him all right, but it was taken before his accident."
"Yes," said Albert Edward; "sad affair, shell-shock. A crump burst almost in his face, and shocked it all out of shape. Can't you see?"
The Italian leaned forward and subjected my flushed features to a piercing scrutiny49; then his dark eyes softened50 almost to tears, and he handed me back my card and saluted51.
"Sir, you have my apologies—and sympathy. Good evening."
"Albert Edward," said I, as we trotted into the dusk, "you may be a true friend but you are no gentleman."
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1
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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rustic
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| adj.乡村的，有乡村特色的；n.乡下人，乡巴佬 | |
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3
rosebud
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| n.蔷薇花蕾，妙龄少女 | |
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4
velvet
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| n.丝绒，天鹅绒；adj.丝绒制的，柔软的 | |
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murmur
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| n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言 | |
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6
blindfolding
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| v.（尤指用布）挡住（某人）的视线( blindfold的现在分词 )；蒙住（某人）的眼睛；使不理解；蒙骗 | |
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7
artistic
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| adj.艺术(家)的，美术(家)的；善于艺术创作的 | |
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8
vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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9
lieutenant
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| n.陆军中尉，海军上尉；代理官员，副职官员 | |
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10
curtly
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| adv.简短地 | |
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11
interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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12
prick
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| v.刺伤，刺痛，刺孔；n.刺伤，刺痛 | |
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13
rococo
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| n.洛可可；adj.过分修饰的 | |
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14
cravat
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| n.领巾，领结；v.使穿有领结的服装，使结领结 | |
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15
winced
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| 赶紧避开，畏缩( wince的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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16
cocaine
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| n.可卡因，古柯碱（用作局部麻醉剂） | |
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17
enchantment
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| n.迷惑，妖术，魅力 | |
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18
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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19
crammed
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| adj.塞满的，挤满的；大口地吃；快速贪婪地吃v.把…塞满；填入；临时抱佛脚( cram的过去式) | |
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20
jaw
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| n.颚，颌，说教，流言蜚语；v.喋喋不休，教训 | |
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21
rebound
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| v.弹回；n.弹回，跳回 | |
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22
portraiture
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| n.肖像画法 | |
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23
ornament
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| v.装饰，美化；n.装饰，装饰物 | |
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24
disturbance
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| n.动乱，骚动；打扰，干扰；(身心)失调 | |
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25
furrowed
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| v.犁田，开沟( furrow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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26
rumpled
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| v.弄皱，使凌乱( rumple的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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27
imbibing
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| v.吸收( imbibe的现在分词 )；喝；吸取；吸气 | |
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28
nourishment
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| n.食物，营养品；营养情况 | |
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29
prodded
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| v.刺，戳( prod的过去式和过去分词 )；刺激；促使；（用手指或尖物）戳 | |
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30
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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31
hogged
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| adj.（船）中拱的，（路）拱曲的 | |
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32
complexion
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| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
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33
pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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34
snip
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| n.便宜货，廉价货，剪，剪断 | |
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35
likeness
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| n.相像，相似（之处） | |
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36
trot
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| n.疾走，慢跑；n.老太婆；现成译本；(复数）trots:腹泻（与the 连用）；v.小跑，快步走，赶紧 | |
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37
trotted
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| 小跑，急走( trot的过去分词 )； 匆匆忙忙地走 | |
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38
wagons
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| n.四轮的运货马车( wagon的名词复数 )；铁路货车；小手推车 | |
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39
brace
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| n. 支柱,曲柄,大括号; v. 绷紧,顶住,(为困难或坏事)做准备 | |
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40
liking
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| n.爱好；嗜好；喜欢 | |
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41
alleged
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| a.被指控的，嫌疑的 | |
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42
tally
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| n.计数器，记分，一致，测量；vt.计算，记录，使一致；vi.计算，记分，一致 | |
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43
beckoned
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| v.（用头或手的动作）示意，召唤( beckon的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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44
squad
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| n.班，小队，小团体；vt.把…编成班或小组 | |
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45
detest
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| vt.痛恨，憎恶 | |
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46
munitions
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| n.军火，弹药；v.供应…军需品 | |
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47
insinuated
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| v.暗示( insinuate的过去式和过去分词 )；巧妙或迂回地潜入；（使）缓慢进入；慢慢伸入 | |
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48
queried
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| v.质疑，对…表示疑问( query的过去式和过去分词 )；询问 | |
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49
scrutiny
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| n.详细检查，仔细观察 | |
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50
softened
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| （使）变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰 | |
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51
saluted
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| v.欢迎，致敬( salute的过去式和过去分词 )；赞扬，赞颂 | |
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