When war broke out Lionel Trelawney issued from his comfortable chambers4 in St. James's and took a hand in it. He had no enthusiasm for blood-letting. War, he maintained from the first, was a vulgar pastime, a comfortless revolting state of affairs which bored one stiff, forced one to associate with all sorts of impossible people and ruined one's clothes. Nevertheless the West-end had to be saved from an invasion of elastic-sided boots, celluloid dickeys, Tyrolese hats and musical soup-swallowing. That was his war-aim.
Through the influence of an aunt at the War Office he obtained a commission at once, and after a month's joining-leave (spent closeted with his tailor) he appeared, a shining figure, in the Mess of the Loamshire Light Infantry5 and with them adventured to Gallipoli. It is related that during the hell of that first landing, when boats were capsizing, wounded men being dragged under by tentacles6 of barbed wire, machine-guns whipping the sea to bloody7 froth, Lionel Trelawney was observed standing8 on a prominent part of a barge9, his eye-glass fixed10 on his immaculate field boots, petulantly11 remarking, "And now, damn it, I suppose I've got to get wet!"
After the evacuation the battalion12 went to France, but not even the slush of the salient or the ooze13 of Festubert could dim his splendour. Whenever he got a chance he sat down, cat-like, and licked himself. Wherever he went his batman went also, hauling a sackful of cleaning gear and changes of raiment. On one occasion, hastening to catch the leave train, he spurred his charger into La Bassée Canal. He emerged, like some river deity14, profusely15 decorated in chick-weed, his eyeglass still in his eye ("Came up like a blinking U-boat," said a spectator, "periscope16 first"), footed it back to billets and changed, though it cost him two days of his leave.
He was neither a good nor a keen officer. He was not frightened—he had too great a contempt for war to admit the terror of it—but he gloomed and brooded eternally and made no effort to throw the faintest enthusiasm into his job. Yet for all that the Loamshires suffered him. He had his uses—he kept the men amused. In that tense time just before an attack, when the minute hand was jerking nearer and nearer to zero, when nerves were strung tight and people were sending anxious inquiries17 after Lewis guns, S.A.A., stretchers, bombs, etc., Lionel Trelawney would say to his batman, "Have you got the boot and brass18 polish, the Blanco, the brushes? Sure?" (a sigh of relief). "Very well, now we'll be getting on," and so would send his lads scrambling19 over the parapet grinning from east to west.
"Where's ole Collar and Cuffs20?" some muddy warrior21 would shout after a shrieking22 tornado23 of shell had swept over them. "Dahn a shell-hole cleanin' his teef," would come the answer, and the battered24 platoon chuckled25 merrily. "'E's a card, 'e is," said his Sergeant26 admiringly. "Marched four miles back to billets in 'is gas-mask, perishin' 'ot, all because he'd lost 'is razor an' 'adn't shaved for two days. 'E's a nut 'e is and no error."
It happened that the Loamshires were given a job of crossing Mr. Hindenburg's well-known ditch and taking a village on the other side. A company of tanks, which came rolling out of the dawn-drizzle27, spitting fire from every crack, put seven sorts of wind up the Landsturmer gentlemen in possession; and the Loamshires, getting their first objectives with very light casualties, trotted28 on for their second in high fettle, sterns up and wagging proudly. The tanks went through the village knocking chips off the architecture and pushing over houses that got in the way; and the Loamshires followed after, distributing bombs among the cellars.
The consolidation29 was proceeding30 when Lionel Trelawney sauntered on the scene, picking his way delicately through the débris of the main street. He lounged up to a group of Loamshire officers, yawned, told them how tired he was, cursed the drizzle for dimming his buttons and strolled over to a dug-out with the object of sheltering there. He got no further than the entrance, for as he reached it a wide-eyed German came scrambling up the steps and collided with him, bows on. For a full second the two stood chest to chest gaping31, too surprised to move. Then the Hun turned and bolted. But this time Lionel Trelawney was not too bored to act. He drew his revolver and rushed after him like one possessed32, firing wildly. Two shots emptied a puddle33, one burst a sandbag, one winged a weather-cock and one went just anywhere. His empty revolver caught the flying Hun in the small of the back as he vaulted34 over a wall; and Lionel Trelawney vaulted after him.
"Molly's gone mad," shouted his amazed brother-officers as they scrambled35 up a ruin for a better view of the hunt. The chase was proceeding full-cry among the small gardens of the main street. It was a stirring spectacle. The Hun was sprinting36 for dear life, Lionel Trelawney hard on his brush, yelping37 like a frenzied38 fox-terrier. They plunged39 across tangled40 beds, crashed through crazy fences, fell head over heels, picked themselves up again and raced on, wheezing41 like punctured42 bagpipes43.
Heads of Atkinses poked44 up everywhere. "S'welp me if it ain't ole Collar and Cuffs! Go it, Sir, that's the stuff to give 'em!" A Yorkshireman opened a book and started to chant the odds45, but nobody paid any attention to him. The Hun, badly blown, dodged46 inside a shattered hen-house. Lionel Trelawney tore up handfuls of a ruined wall and bombed him out of it with showers of brickbats. Away went the chase again, cheered by shrill47 yoicks and cat-calls from the spectators.
"Gone to ground, down a cellar," exclaimed the brother-officers. "Oh, look! Fritz is crawling out."
The white terrified face of the German appeared on the ground level, then with a wriggle50 (accompanied by a loud noise of rending51 material) he dragged his body up and was on his way once more. A second later Lionel Trelawney was up as well, waving a patch of grey cloth in his hand. "Molly's ripped the seat out of his pants," shouted the grand-stand. "Yow, tear 'm, Pup!" "Good ole Collar and Cuffs!" chorused the Loamshire Atkinses.
Lionel Trelawney responded nobly; he gained one yard, two yards, five, ten. The Hun floundered into a row of raspberry canes52, tripped and wallowed in the mould. Trelawney fell on him like a Scot on a three-penny bit and they rolled out of sight locked in each other's embrace.
The Loamshires jumped down from their crazy perches53 and doubled to see the finish, guided by the growlings, grunts54, crashing of raspberry canes and jets of garden mould flung sky-high. They were too late, however. They met the victor propelling the remains55 of the vanquished56 up a lane towards them. His fawn57 breeches were black with mould, his shapely tunic58 shredded59 to ribbons; his sleek60 hair looked like a bird's-nest; his nose listed to starboard; one eye bulged61 like a shuttered bow-window; his eye-glass was not. But the amazing thing about it was that he didn't seem to mind; he beamed, in fact, and with a cheery shout to his friends—"Merry little scamper—eh, what?"—he drop-kicked his souvenir a few yards further on, exclaiming, "That'll teach you to slop soup over my shirt-front, you rude fellow!"
"Talking about?" said Lionel Trelawney. "Why, this arch-ruffian used to be a waiter at Claritz's, and he shed mulligatawny all over my glad-rags one night three years ago—aggravated me fearfully."
点击收听单词发音
1 obeisance | |
n.鞠躬,敬礼 | |
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2 whined | |
v.哀号( whine的过去式和过去分词 );哀诉,诉怨 | |
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3 withered | |
adj. 枯萎的,干瘪的,(人身体的部分器官)因病萎缩的或未发育良好的 动词wither的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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4 chambers | |
n.房间( chamber的名词复数 );(议会的)议院;卧室;会议厅 | |
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5 infantry | |
n.[总称]步兵(部队) | |
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6 tentacles | |
n.触手( tentacle的名词复数 );触角;触须;触毛 | |
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7 bloody | |
adj.非常的的;流血的;残忍的;adv.很;vt.血染 | |
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8 standing | |
n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
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9 barge | |
n.平底载货船,驳船 | |
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10 fixed | |
adj.固定的,不变的,准备好的;(计算机)固定的 | |
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11 petulantly | |
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12 battalion | |
n.营;部队;大队(的人) | |
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13 ooze | |
n.软泥,渗出物;vi.渗出,泄漏;vt.慢慢渗出,流露 | |
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14 deity | |
n.神,神性;被奉若神明的人(或物) | |
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15 profusely | |
ad.abundantly | |
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16 periscope | |
n. 潜望镜 | |
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17 inquiries | |
n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 );疑问;探究;打听 | |
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18 brass | |
n.黄铜;黄铜器,铜管乐器 | |
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19 scrambling | |
v.快速爬行( scramble的现在分词 );攀登;争夺;(军事飞机)紧急起飞 | |
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20 cuffs | |
n.袖口( cuff的名词复数 )v.掌打,拳打( cuff的第三人称单数 ) | |
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21 warrior | |
n.勇士,武士,斗士 | |
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22 shrieking | |
v.尖叫( shriek的现在分词 ) | |
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23 tornado | |
n.飓风,龙卷风 | |
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24 battered | |
adj.磨损的;v.连续猛击;磨损 | |
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25 chuckled | |
轻声地笑( chuckle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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26 sergeant | |
n.警官,中士 | |
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27 drizzle | |
v.下毛毛雨;n.毛毛雨,蒙蒙细雨 | |
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28 trotted | |
小跑,急走( trot的过去分词 ); 匆匆忙忙地走 | |
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29 consolidation | |
n.合并,巩固 | |
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30 proceeding | |
n.行动,进行,(pl.)会议录,学报 | |
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31 gaping | |
adj.口的;张口的;敞口的;多洞穴的v.目瞪口呆地凝视( gape的现在分词 );张开,张大 | |
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32 possessed | |
adj.疯狂的;拥有的,占有的 | |
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33 puddle | |
n.(雨)水坑,泥潭 | |
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34 vaulted | |
adj.拱状的 | |
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35 scrambled | |
v.快速爬行( scramble的过去式和过去分词 );攀登;争夺;(军事飞机)紧急起飞 | |
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36 sprinting | |
v.短距离疾跑( sprint的现在分词 ) | |
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37 yelping | |
v.发出短而尖的叫声( yelp的现在分词 ) | |
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38 frenzied | |
a.激怒的;疯狂的 | |
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39 plunged | |
v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 );暴跌;骤降;突降 | |
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40 tangled | |
adj. 纠缠的,紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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41 wheezing | |
v.喘息,发出呼哧呼哧的喘息声( wheeze的现在分词 );哮鸣 | |
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42 punctured | |
v.在(某物)上穿孔( puncture的过去式和过去分词 );刺穿(某物);削弱(某人的傲气、信心等);泄某人的气 | |
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43 bagpipes | |
n.风笛;风笛( bagpipe的名词复数 ) | |
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44 poked | |
v.伸出( poke的过去式和过去分词 );戳出;拨弄;与(某人)性交 | |
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45 odds | |
n.让步,机率,可能性,比率;胜败优劣之别 | |
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46 dodged | |
v.闪躲( dodge的过去式和过去分词 );回避 | |
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47 shrill | |
adj.尖声的;刺耳的;v尖叫 | |
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48 upheaval | |
n.胀起,(地壳)的隆起;剧变,动乱 | |
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49 planks | |
(厚)木板( plank的名词复数 ); 政纲条目,政策要点 | |
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50 wriggle | |
v./n.蠕动,扭动;蜿蜒 | |
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51 rending | |
v.撕碎( rend的现在分词 );分裂;(因愤怒、痛苦等而)揪扯(衣服或头发等);(声音等)刺破 | |
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52 canes | |
n.(某些植物,如竹或甘蔗的)茎( cane的名词复数 );(用于制作家具等的)竹竿;竹杖 | |
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53 perches | |
栖息处( perch的名词复数 ); 栖枝; 高处; 鲈鱼 | |
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54 grunts | |
(猪等)作呼噜声( grunt的第三人称单数 ); (指人)发出类似的哼声; 咕哝着说; 石鲈 | |
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55 remains | |
n.剩余物,残留物;遗体,遗迹 | |
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56 vanquished | |
v.征服( vanquish的过去式和过去分词 );战胜;克服;抑制 | |
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57 fawn | |
n.未满周岁的小鹿;v.巴结,奉承 | |
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58 tunic | |
n.束腰外衣 | |
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59 shredded | |
shred的过去式和过去分词 | |
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60 sleek | |
adj.光滑的,井然有序的;v.使光滑,梳拢 | |
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61 bulged | |
凸出( bulge的过去式和过去分词 ); 充满; 塞满(某物) | |
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62 babbled | |
v.喋喋不休( babble的过去式和过去分词 );作潺潺声(如流水);含糊不清地说话;泄漏秘密 | |
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