“All that I was threatened with before I left Clover has come true,” she said, “though not in the way they thought: and I can’t bear it any longer; and, if you meant what you said, come—come and take me away at once. If you do{313}n’t come I will know that you didn’t mean it, or that you have changed your mind: and I will do what I can for myself.”
On Tuesday! Thursday at the latest should have brought a letter—though what she had expected was, that on Wednesday, the very day he received hers, he would come at once, answering it in person. This was the natural thing to expect. He would come—full of that ardor4 which had made Janet laugh when in October he had pleaded with her not to go away, to let him take care of her, provide for her. It had seemed to Janet the most ridiculous of suggestions that she should give her hand to the old doctor, and settle down for life in the familiar place where she knew everybody and everything, and where novelty was not, nor change of any kind.
And it was only January, the end of January, not much more than three months! was it possible that life had so disgusted this little neophyte5, who had faced it so valiantly6, that she gave up the battle already? She had asked herself that question as soon as her letter was in the post-office and beyond her control. What was there to hinder her from going on to another chapter, from spurning7 from her this prelude8 in which she had not come off a conqueror9—three months only, and to throw down her arms!
The moment that Janet had dropped her letter into the box at Mimpriss’s that place which had played so large a part in her life, her heart made a great leap, a sort of sickening rebound10 against what she had done. Oh no; her first beginning had not been a success. She had betrayed people who had been so good to her; her quick wit had seen too much, known too much, in the house where she ought to have been a grateful spectator only, making no discoveries. She had not been unwilling11, by way of mere12 fun and distraction13, to take Gussy’s lover from her. She had not been unwilling “to make a fool of” the son of the house. She had been there like a little free lance to get what amusement and advantage she could out of them, without giving anything in return.
But Janet, though she had succeeded in the most remarkable14 way in both cases, had come to such a failure in the end as made her loathe15 herself. She had been met by her match, she had been deluded16 by a stronger practitioner17 of those arts, intent upon fun and distraction too, and with as little intention of promoting Janet as of anything else that would involve trouble to himself. How could she ever have thought it? A man who betrayed the woman who loved him to her, a stranger, how could she have supposed that he would be true to her and give up his own interest to proclaim his devotion to the{314} governess! And Dolff, the dolt18 whom she had said to herself that she could turn round her little finger—Dolff, who had nearly killed the other man who had played with her; but not even that for Janet’s sake. For his sister’s sake, whom Janet had never taken into consideration—Dolff, too, had thrown her off as easily as an old glove when he got into trouble, and more serious matters occupied his mind.
These extraordinary failures had altogether overset Janet’s moral equilibrium19. Had she been driven out of the house by the jealousy20 of the women, with the secret sympathy and support of the men, a victim to the spitefulness of her own sex, but assured in her power of attracting and subjugating21 the other, Janet would have felt this to be quite natural—a thing that is in all the stories, the natural fate of the too attractive dependent. But this was not at all her case. The ladies had been very kind to her; they had never discovered her misdoings. Even Gussy, if she suspected anything, had taken no notice, which was to Janet very humiliating, an immense mortification22, though the thing most to be desired by anyone who had retained a morsel23 of sense.
Janet had a great deal of sense, but in this emergency it forsook24 her—the kindness of the ladies had added a sting to the humiliating insincerity of Meredith and the indignant self-emancipation of Dolff. She had failed every way. It was she who was jealous—the one to be thrown aside; the legitimate25 sentiment had triumphed all along the line, and the little interloper had failed in everything. She had thought that to prove to them at last that she had no need of them, that she had but to hold up a finger to bring her deliverer flying to the rescue, to be carried off triumphant26 to her own house, to her own people, would be a triumph which would make up for all, while still Meredith was in the house, while Dolff was at home, while everyone could see how little necessity she had to care what they thought! Janet knew, she was certain, that the moment she held up a finger—— And she had held it up—she had summoned her deliverer—without pausing to think.
But when she dropped the letter in the letter-box at the window of Mimpriss’s there suddenly came over Janet a vision of Dr. Harding as she had seen him last, rusty27, splashed with mud, his hat pushed back on a forehead that was a little bald, his coat-collar rubbed with hair that was iron-gray. He was nearly as old as Meredith and Dolff added up together; a country doctor, called out day and night by whoever pleased to send for him, not even rich. Oh, the agitated night Janet had after that rash step of hers! She had called him to her, and{315} he would come flying on wings of love—i. e., by the quickest express train that never stopped between Clover and London, which flew even past the junction—that terrible train which frightened all the Clover ladies; as quick as the telegraph almost would he be here.
Janet held her breath and asked herself how she could have done it? And what if, when he came, holding out his arms to her as he would be sure to do, her heart should fail and she should turn away—turn her back on him after she had summoned him? Oh, that was what she must not, dare not do. She had settled her fate; she had committed herself beyond remedy. If Meredith and Dolff should repent28, and fling themselves one after another at her feet, it would do no good now. He might be ready to sacrifice Gussy to her, but she could not sacrifice Dr. Harding to him. Oh, not now—she had settled her fate now!
All Wednesday morning Janet was in a state of suspense which defies description. She expected every moment to be called downstairs, to be told that a gentleman had come asking for her. The train arrived at half-past ten, just half-an-hour after the hour at which she sat down with Julia to lessons. Lessons, good heavens! They had never, perhaps, been very excellent of their kind, these lessons, though they had been gone through with steadily29 enough; but Julia had been quite well aware from the first that Janet’s heart was not in them, just as Janet had discovered from the first that Julia would learn no more than she could possibly help learning. And it may be supposed that, with this indifferent mutual30 foundation, the agitated state of the house, and of the minds of both instructress and instructed, had not improved the seriousness of the studies. Janet calculated that half-an-hour would be wanted to get from the station to St. John’s Wood; half-an-hour would be enough, for of course he would take a hansom, the quickest to be had, instead of the slow four-wheeler which had conveyed her and her luggage on the occasion of her arrival. Then at eleven o’clock! Oh, what should she do, what could she do? There were but two things she could do—run downstairs at the first summons, and rush into Dr. Harding’s arms—or fly away, somewhere, she knew not where, before he came.
Sitting dazed by this suspense, her heart beating in her ears, taking no notice of Julia’s proceedings31, which were very erratic32, listening for the sound of Priscilla’s steps on the stair with the summons feared yet desired, Janet came to herself with a shock at the sound of twelve, struck upon the little French{316} clock on the mantelpiece, and by the larger church clock in St. John’s Wood, at a minute’s interval33. Twelve o’clock! It must be eleven, it could not be twelve! It was impossible, impossible! But, like so many other impossible things, it was true. Her heart seemed to sink down into her slippers34, and a horrible stillness took the place of all that beating. He had not come! Could such a thing be? He had not come! Then he had not meant it, or he meant it no longer. Dr. Harding, who had been her slave since she was a child, who had pleaded, oh! how he had looked at her, what tones his voice had taken, how he had implored35 her as if his life depended upon it! while she—had laughed. Her voice had trembled, too, but it was with laughter. She had not given a moment’s consideration to that proposal. She, before whom the world lay open, full of triumphs, she marry the old doctor! It was ludicrous, too absurd to be thought of; she had not been unkind, but she had let him know this very completely; there had been no hesitation36, no relenting in her reply.
And now he had done the same to her.
But Janet could not believe it—she went on expecting him all day. Something might have happened to detain him in the morning. He might have gone out upon his rounds before the letter came—sometimes the postman was very late, at Clover. She knew the life there so well that she could calculate exactly when the letters would reach the doctor’s house. The bag was always heavy in the beginning of the year. Clover was one of those places where all the people hear from their friends in the early part of the year. Perhaps there were still some belated Christmas cards or premature37 valentines to give the postman more to do. And some one might have been ill, and the doctor called out before his usual time. All these things were possible—but not that he should have received her letter and not come. But when Thursday passed without even a letter in reply, and Friday—Friday, the third day!—Janet fell into a state of depression that was miserable38 to see. She could think of nothing else. Her doubts about the doctor’s age, about his appearance, about his gray hair, and all his disadvantages, disappeared altogether from her mind.
Astonishment39, humiliation40, the sense of having fallen altogether from her high estate, of being a miserable little failure abandoned by everybody, filled Janet’s mind. He had not come, though she had sent for him; he had turned a deaf ear to her appeal. Where could she now go? Never to Clover to give him the chance of exulting41 over her, though Clover was the only place in which she could find a home. Oh, how fool{317}ish, how foolish she had been! She might have gone back to the vicarage with no more ado than saying that she was not happy in her situation. The vicar and his wife had expected as much—they would not have been surprised. But now she had closed in her own face that friendly refuge. She had longed for a triumph, though it would be a homely42 one, and again she had failed—again she had failed! Anything more subdued43, more troubled than Janet could not be. The doctor was no longer in her eyes a makeshift, an expedient—something to restore her amour propre, but whom she shrank from even in appealing to him. She forgot his rusty gray hair, his bald forehead, the mud on his boots. Oh, if he would but still come, if he would come! To let them see that she had someone who cared for her, a man who thought her the first of women while to them she was only the little governess. But when Friday came, Janet gave up the hope. He too had decided44 against her. She was not the first of women to anybody, but a poor little foolish girl who would not when she might and now had to be said nay45.
The lessons went on all the time, not, I fear, very profitable lessons, and the two girls went out to have their walks as usual, with what comfort they might, and everything continued like a feverish46 dream. Janet sat upstairs and heard the sounds and commotion47 of the dinner-party and did not care. What did it matter that they were feasting below, while she was left all alone, neglected by everybody? By everybody, yes! even by people who had loved her: nobody loved her now. She was forgotten, both by those at home and those here. And what did it matter? The school-room, that was the place for a governess. They ought never to have brought her out of it. It was true she ought not to have been deceived by any other thoughts—and it was true that she must calculate on spending all the rest of her life, nobody to give her any triumph, nobody to carry her away like a conqueror, nobody to vindicate48 her importance so that the Harwoods would see their mistake, and Mr. Meredith bite his lips with envy and dismay. No, that had all been a dream; there was nobody to deliver Janet, and nothing for her but to take a new situation, and perhaps go through the whole again, as poor governesses so often do.
On Friday afternoon she had come in from her walk depressed49 beyond description, feeling that everything had failed her. Julia had gone into the drawing-room to her mother, while Janet, dragging a little behind, as she had begun to do in the prostration50 of her being, lingered in the hall, loitering by the umbrellas in the stand, untwining her boa from her{318} throat, the boa which Meredith had held, by which he had detained her until she had thrown it upon his hands and escaped from him on their last interview. She was very low; expectation was dead in her—she no longer looked for an answer to her letter, nor for anything that could happen. So dull, indeed, was she in her despondency that she did not heed51 the ring at the bell, nor the hasty step upon the path when Priscilla opened the door. It would be some visitor, some one for the others—nobody any more for Janet. It was a noisy step which came in at the door, firm, a little heavy, and very hurried and rapid.
It was almost twilight52; the hall was dark, and Janet in the darkest corner, with her back to the door, slowly untwisting the boa from her neck, when—oh, what was this that burst upon her ear?
“No,” very hastily, with an impatient tone, “not Mrs. Harwood. I said ‘Miss Summerhayes.’ I want to see Miss Summerhayes.”
“Oh!” Janet turned round and came forward, feeling as if she had wings, as if her feet touched the ground no longer. She called out of the darkness, “Is it you, is it you?” as if she did not know who it was at the first thrill of his voice!
“Janet,” he cried, and came forward and caught her—not exactly in his arms, but with his hands upon her shoulders, clutching her with a sort of hungry grasp (“as if he were going to eat me up,” she said afterwards). She felt him trembling, thrilling all over, and perhaps it was as well that it was dark, that she could see nothing of the gray hair, etc., but only that the middle-aged53 doctor had a vibration54 of haste, of anxiety, of emotion in his arms and hands, and the very lappels of his coat which touched her breast, which was more real than any words, convincing her in a moment, as no explanation from Meredith, for instance, could have done, that the delay was none of his doing, that he was here as quickly as if he had come by that express train.
“Janet! You mean that?” he asked, with eyes that glowed even through the darkness, and a voice that thrilled and trembled too.
“Yes, Dr. Harding, if you do.”
“If I do?” he said, with a sort of suppressed shout, “did you ever have any doubt of me? My little darling! I’m like your father, ain’t I? I’ll be father and mother and husband all together now you’ll have me, child! If I do! How dare you say that, you little torment55; you little delight! as if I shouldn’t have rushed head over heels from the ends of the earth!{319}”
“You have taken your time about it, Dr. Harding,” Janet said, “you might have been here on Wednesday, and now it is Friday afternoon.”
“You little love! Have you counted the days?” cried the poor man, who was such a fool; and then he burst into his explanation, how he had indeed come from the ends of the earth, from one of the great towns of the North where he had found “a noble practice” awaiting him. “They’d heard of me, dear, fancy that! How surprised the Clover people will be! And there will be fine company and grand parties, and everything she likes, for my little Janet,” he cried, with a sort of sobbing56 of joy and triumph in his voice.
To tell the truth, Janet was as much bewildered by the thought that Doctor Harding had been heard of, as anybody in Clover could have been. But she concealed57 this with a throb58 of delight in her heart to hear of the great town in the North, and the fine company and grand parties. No Clover then and seclusion59, but the world and all its delights. Janet’s heart beat high with satisfaction in her own wise impulse, and the sense of the triumph to come.
As they stood talking, the door of the drawing-room was thrown open, and, looking up at the sound, they both had a view of the interior of the room illuminated60 with its bright firelight and with the lamp, always the first brought in, which stood on Mrs. Harwood’s table. She in her white shawl, with her white hair and cap and the mass of white knitting on her knees, stood out like a mass of whiteness made rosy61 by the light from the fire, a most brilliant figure seen from the twilight of the hall. The doctor started a little, and took his hands from Janet’s shoulders.
“Mrs. Adolphus” he said.
“It is Mrs. Harwood; do you know her? But, indeed, her husband’s name is Adolphus.”
“You mean was: don’t let us speak of him. She is an old friend of mine. But if it had not been for Adolphus Harwood I should never have been doctor at Clover, and perhaps never have seen my little Janet, so for every trouble there is compensation, my dear.”
“What trouble?” she said, eagerly.
“Never mind. Come in and introduce me, Janet—though we know each other very well.”
Janet took the arm he offered her and walked in, with all her spirit and courage restored, to Mrs. Harwood’s room. She wished they had been all there, every one to see that she was not the lonely creature they had thought her. But there{320} was nobody but the mistress of the house, with Julia behind, telling her mother what they had seen during their walk. Mrs. Harwood was smiling; she had the air of a contented62 and cheerful mother with no trouble in her way. She looked up to receive the new-comers, saying, “Why, Janet!” with a little surprise, quickly divining from the girl’s attitude and the air of the pair that something unusual had come in the governess’s way.
“John Harding, at your service, Mrs. Harwood, now as long ago,” the doctor said.
Mrs. Harwood uttered a low cry, the color went out of her face, and the light out of her eyes. She sat and looked at him, with her under lip falling and dismay in her heart.
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1
agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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suspense
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| n.（对可能发生的事）紧张感，担心，挂虑 | |
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momentous
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| adj.重要的，重大的 | |
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ardor
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| n.热情，狂热 | |
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neophyte
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| n.新信徒；开始者 | |
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valiantly
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| adv.勇敢地，英勇地；雄赳赳 | |
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spurning
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| v.一脚踢开，拒绝接受( spurn的现在分词 ) | |
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prelude
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| n.序言，前兆，序曲 | |
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conqueror
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| n.征服者，胜利者 | |
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rebound
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| v.弹回；n.弹回，跳回 | |
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unwilling
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| adj.不情愿的 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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distraction
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| n.精神涣散，精神不集中，消遣，娱乐 | |
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remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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loathe
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| v.厌恶，嫌恶 | |
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deluded
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| v.欺骗，哄骗( delude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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practitioner
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| n.实践者，从事者；(医生或律师等)开业者 | |
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dolt
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| n.傻瓜 | |
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equilibrium
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| n.平衡，均衡，相称，均势，平静 | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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subjugating
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| v.征服，降伏( subjugate的现在分词 ) | |
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mortification
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| n.耻辱，屈辱 | |
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morsel
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| n.一口，一点点 | |
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forsook
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| forsake的过去式 | |
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legitimate
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| adj.合法的，合理的，合乎逻辑的；v.使合法 | |
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triumphant
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| adj.胜利的，成功的；狂欢的，喜悦的 | |
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rusty
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| adj.生锈的；锈色的；荒废了的 | |
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repent
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steadily
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| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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proceedings
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| n.进程，过程，议程；诉讼(程序)；公报 | |
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erratic
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| adj.古怪的，反复无常的，不稳定的 | |
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interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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slippers
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| n. 拖鞋 | |
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implored
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| 恳求或乞求（某人）( implore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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premature
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| adj.比预期时间早的；不成熟的，仓促的 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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exulting
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| vi. 欢欣鼓舞，狂喜 | |
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homely
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| adj.家常的，简朴的；不漂亮的 | |
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subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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feverish
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| adj.发烧的，狂热的，兴奋的 | |
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commotion
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| n.骚动，动乱 | |
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vindicate
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| v.为…辩护或辩解，辩明；证明…正确 | |
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depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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prostration
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| n. 平伏, 跪倒, 疲劳 | |
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heed
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| v.注意，留意；n.注意，留心 | |
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twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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middle-aged
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| adj.中年的 | |
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vibration
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| n.颤动，振动；摆动 | |
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torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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throb
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| v.震颤，颤动；(急速强烈地)跳动，搏动 | |
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seclusion
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| n.隐遁，隔离 | |
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illuminated
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| adj.被照明的；受启迪的 | |
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rosy
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| adj.美好的，乐观的，玫瑰色的 | |
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contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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faltering
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| 犹豫的，支吾的，蹒跚的 | |
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