So filled and so becoming.”
...
“Give Sorrow words: the Grief that does not speak
Whispers the overfraught heart and bids it break.”
Shakespeare.
No woman of true sensibility rejects a lover without feeling herself a sympathy in the pang2 she inflicts3. It often happens that in her artless attempts to mitigate4 the disappointment, her motives5 are mistaken, and she subjects herself again to a siege so much more pressing than the former, that she yields against her conviction, a captive to a stronger will, but not to love. It was not so with a woman of Beatriz’s mould. She knew that in no way could she be so true to others as in being true to herself. When Kiana turned from her, although she was sadder than before he spoke6, she felt that her sincerity7 had been her safety.
As she prolonged her walk farther from her house to where the trees thickened into a forest, she thought she saw a pair of piercing eyes, not unfamiliar8, watching her at times, through the thick vines and ferns that clustered about her path. She was, however, too abstracted by her own reflections[111] to be curious about them, and so she slowly wandered on.
“Holy Mother, has it come to this,” said she to herself, stopping occasionally, and pressing her hands over her heart as if to still its throbs9, “do I love this man? Whence this fever here, if it be not love? Why was it that when I found him lying, as I thought, dead on the sand, my pulses ceased to beat, and for the instant I was dead myself? Could he have seen my emotion when he came to? The Chaste10 Virgin11 forbid! Yet when our eyes met on that holy evening in which we gazed so long upon the sea, I read my soul in his. But can he know what I do not know myself? I would say I do not love him, yet something within chokes me when I would utter the words. What I, a Catholic maiden12, love a priest? ’tis not so! it would be sacrilege. May the Mother of God forgive the thought,” and she paused with eyes uplifted and hands clasped in silent prayer.
For an instant she became quieter, but it was only the gathering13 of the coming storm. Every instinct of her warm nature cried, “you love him.” Each accepted doctrine14 of her faith as firmly forbade it. She felt she was on the brink15 of a gulf16. Destruction of soul and body or their martyrdom, seemed the only choice.
“Yet,” thought she, “if it be a crime, why is it that his voice ever soothes17 me,—that his words ever make me stronger and truer to my better self,—that he upholds me in all that is good? When with him, nature has a more loving aspect; the[112] very stones look kindly18 on me. It has ever been thus. Before I suspected myself,—yes, now I see it all,—years, years ago, my heart flowed out the same to Olmedo,—his presence was my want. Away from him I was contented19, it is true, but I was sad. With him, my sadness became a quiet joy. I was doubly myself. Has the good God given me all this for a torment20? To ruin my soul through the source of its virtue21 and its highest happiness?”
She shuddered22. Her whole frame was convulsed with agony. She did not fear that Olmedo did not love her, because she thought that feelings so deep and long tried as hers had been in relation to him, could not exist without the answering sympathy of his.
It was not then the fear that she was not loved that troubled her. It was rather the fear that Olmedo might be tempted24 even as she was. He, a priest, vowed25 to chastity: his wife was the Holy Church; if it were sacrilege in her to love, it were blasphemy26 in him. Again all the terrors of a stricken conscience smote27 her, and she was overwhelmed at the thought that he might be equally guilty with herself.
Thus it often is. God gives man his instincts and desires. Having made him after his own image, that image must be vital with the eternal principles of God-nature. If the author of all has inseparably connected cause and effect in the physical world, He has carried the law no less positively28 into the moral world. There can be, therefore, no[113] instinct without its proper function, and no aspiration29 that may not be realized progressively towards Him. Duty is the password to heaven, which, in the rightly balanced mind begins on earth. Finding all things good according to their kind, it is not afraid to honor God by the right use of his gifts. Man begins his hell here also, by the bars to his progress, which his misunderstood organization, selfish passions, and the foolish learning or spiritual tyranny of his merely human theology fabricate for him. He fears, and seeks to compromise or deceive. If the spirit of God be upon him, then he enjoys all things of God, each in its due degree, with a peace that passeth understanding.
Beatriz, therefore, was right in feeling that the Being who had made the human heart and given it the capacity of loving, intended that it should love; that he had not given affections and the affinities30 of soul to either sex, to be a torment from want of the very object which He had made that man might not be Alone. And alone must be man or woman into whose heart enter no sympathies, responding to their own. If Adam had his mate, so has each son of his, by the same great law of Nature. God chose for Adam, but he gave to his children a delicate heritage of instincts and emotions of commingled32 matter and spirit, which were to be their guides towards finding the other being who is to complete their unity33. That Olmedo was to her that being and she to him, Beatriz now knew full well. Her past life, with all that she had gained in character through him, and all she had enjoyed in feeling, the[114] repose34 of perfect trust in his truth, the delicacy35 of his deportment, which, whether as confessor or friend, had always sought her highest good, all came back to her as a new revelation. Not that a single word of love had ever passed between them, or a single action, which angels might not have witnessed, escaped him. Both had been in too full enjoyment36 of that calm but unconscious love that springs from a mutual37, mental and spiritual adaptation, without the suggestion of a more intimate relation, until to her the pang of his supposed death, and to him the reawakening of his physical life, amid the allurements38 of a tropical climate, disclosed to both the full extent of their attachment39.
From that moment Beatriz was wretched, because however calm her exterior40, within love and conscience were in conflict. Her misery41 was the greater, that she must hide her secret within her own bosom42. Hitherto, every doubt or struggle had been disclosed to her confessor, and in his advice or consolation43 she had found repose. Now, the duties of her religion required her to confess this great sin to her confessor, and seek absolution for her soul’s sake; but that confessor was the man she loved, and the confession44 itself, besides being forbidden by every principle of womanly feeling, might, if made to him, precipitate45 both into the gulf their faith told them to avoid.
“Sinning woman that I am, how can I pray to the Holy Virgin with such a stain on my soul! Aid me, thou Chaste Mother, purest and best of[115] women. Must I ever carry this sorrow, known to him and seen to God, yet dare not confess it, for fear of a greater sin? Would that I had drowned at the wreck,” and the tears dropped fast upon her pale cheeks. For a moment her body swayed to and fro with anguish46, till faint and worn she sank upon the ground.
Woman! thine hour of trial has come; as the good or evil principle succeeds within thee, so wilt47 thou be saved or lost!
Every soul is born into the kingdom of Heaven only through spirit throes, such as thou now feelest test thy power! Much has been given thee, and much is required in this hour. Conquer, and eye hath not seen nor ear heard, nor hath it entered into the heart of man to conceive the joy reserved for thee!
“God knows I love Olmedo. Were I to force my tongue to perjure48 my soul to man, He sees my heart and its secret sin. Father in heaven, can it be sin to love this man! Thou art all-wise, all-good, all-merciful. Thou hast told us that imperfect mortals cannot look on Thee and live, but through him, thy likeness49 so shines, that I can dimly see Thee. Do I not then in loving him, love Thee?” And she mused50 for an instant with a dubious51 smile, as if hope had began to dawn on her mind.
It was but for a short moment. Again her features darkened, and the cold shudder23 came back upon her. Life seemed struggling to escape from so bitter a trial. But her vital organization was so exquisite52, that as she could enjoy, so must she also suffer.
[116]
“Oh! my God! my God!” broke passionately53 from her lips, “what blasphemy is this! Save me, Holy Mother! intercede55 for me with thy Son! the Evil One seeks to snare56 my soul,” and she knelt in prayer.
There in the forest, no leaf stirring, all nature hushed, that lone31 woman, her soul racked with doubt, fearing equally to violate her own pure impulses and the faith which bade her crucify them, plead piteously to her Father in heaven for strength to calm her soul, and to know the right. Never before, in that land, had a truthful57, earnest woman’s heart poured forth58 its passionate54 griefs in words of childlike simplicity59, seeking sympathy and aid direct from its Maker60. Well might we call that spot hallowed through all after time. Long and deeply she prayed, with her sad, sorrow-convulsed face upturned to heaven, into the vault61 of which her full mild eyes seemed to pierce with a bright light, as if like Stephen, she saw the crucified one amid his angels. Gradually her features softened62, a tear stood in either eye, the spirit she sought entered her soul, and she rose from her forest altar, if not a happier, for the time a calmer woman.
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1
vessel
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| n.船舶；容器，器皿；管，导管，血管 | |
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2
pang
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| n.剧痛，悲痛，苦闷 | |
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3
inflicts
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| 把…强加给，使承受，遭受( inflict的第三人称单数 ) | |
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4
mitigate
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| vt.（使）减轻，（使）缓和 | |
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5
motives
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| n.动机，目的( motive的名词复数 ) | |
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6
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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7
sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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8
unfamiliar
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| adj.陌生的，不熟悉的 | |
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9
throbs
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| 体内的跳动( throb的名词复数 ) | |
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10
chaste
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| adj.贞洁的；有道德的；善良的；简朴的 | |
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11
virgin
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| n.处女，未婚女子；adj.未经使用的；未经开发的 | |
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12
maiden
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| n.少女，处女；adj.未婚的，纯洁的，无经验的 | |
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13
gathering
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| n.集会，聚会，聚集 | |
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14
doctrine
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| n.教义；主义；学说 | |
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15
brink
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| n.(悬崖、河流等的)边缘，边沿 | |
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16
gulf
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| n.海湾；深渊，鸿沟；分歧，隔阂 | |
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17
soothes
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| v.安慰( soothe的第三人称单数 )；抚慰；使舒服；减轻痛苦 | |
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18
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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19
contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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20
torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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21
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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22
shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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23
shudder
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| v.战粟，震动，剧烈地摇晃；n.战粟，抖动 | |
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24
tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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25
vowed
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| 起誓，发誓（vow的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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26
blasphemy
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| n.亵渎，渎神 | |
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27
smote
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| v.猛打，重击，打击( smite的过去式 ) | |
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28
positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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29
aspiration
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| n.志向，志趣抱负；渴望；(语)送气音；吸出 | |
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30
affinities
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| n.密切关系( affinity的名词复数 )；亲近；（生性）喜爱；类同 | |
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31
lone
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| adj.孤寂的，单独的；唯一的 | |
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32
commingled
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| v.混合，掺和，合并( commingle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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33
unity
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| n.团结，联合，统一；和睦，协调 | |
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34
repose
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| v.(使)休息；n.安息 | |
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35
delicacy
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| n.精致，细微，微妙，精良；美味，佳肴 | |
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36
enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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37
mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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38
allurements
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| n.诱惑( allurement的名词复数 )；吸引；诱惑物；有诱惑力的事物 | |
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39
attachment
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| n.附属物，附件；依恋；依附 | |
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40
exterior
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| adj.外部的，外在的；表面的 | |
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41
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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42
bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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43
consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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44
confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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45
precipitate
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| adj.突如其来的；vt.使突然发生；n.沉淀物 | |
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46
anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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47
wilt
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| v.(使)植物凋谢或枯萎；(指人)疲倦，衰弱 | |
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48
perjure
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| v.作伪证；使发假誓 | |
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49
likeness
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| n.相像，相似（之处） | |
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50
mused
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| v.沉思，冥想( muse的过去式和过去分词 )；沉思自语说（某事） | |
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51
dubious
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| adj.怀疑的，无把握的；有问题的，靠不住的 | |
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52
exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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53
passionately
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| ad.热烈地，激烈地 | |
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54
passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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55
intercede
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| vi.仲裁，说情 | |
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56
snare
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| n.陷阱，诱惑，圈套；（去除息肉或者肿瘤的）勒除器；响弦，小军鼓；vt.以陷阱捕获，诱惑 | |
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57
truthful
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| adj.真实的，说实话的，诚实的 | |
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58
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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59
simplicity
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| n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯 | |
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60
maker
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| n.制造者，制造商 | |
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61
vault
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| n.拱形圆顶，地窖，地下室 | |
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62
softened
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| （使）变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰 | |
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