How bitter the remembrance!”—Blair.
“Well, child,” said Mrs. Macpherson, “do you choose to take anything?” “I thank you, madam,” replied Amanda, “I should like a little tea.” “Oh! as to tea, I have just taken my own, and the things are all washed and put by; but, if you like a glass of spirits and water, and a crust of bread, you may have it.” Amanda said she did not. “Oh! very well,” cried[Pg 394] Mrs. Macpherson, “I shall not press you, for supper will soon be ready.” She then desired Amanda to draw a chair near hers, and began torturing her with a variety of minute and trifling2 questions relative to herself, the nuns3, and the neighborhood of St. Catherine’s.
Amanda briefly4 said, “her father had been in the army, that many disappointments and losses had prevented his making any provision for her, and that on his death, which happened in the neighborhood of the convent, the nuns had taken her out of compassion5, till she procured6 an establishment for herself.” “Ay, and a comfortable one you have procured yourself, I promise you,” said Mrs. Macpherson, “if it is not your own fault.” She then told Amanda, “she would amuse her by showing her her house and other concerns.” This indeed was easily done, as it consisted but of the parlor8, two closets adjoining it, and the kitchen, on the opposite side of the entry; the other concerns were a small garden, planted with kail, and the field covered with thistles. “A good, comfortable tenement9 this,” cried Mrs. Macpherson, shaking her head with much satisfaction, as she leaned upon her ebony-headed cane10, and cast her eyes around. She bid Amanda admire the fine prospect11 before the door, and, calling to a red-haired and bare-legged girl, desired her to cut some thistles to put into the fire, and hasten the boiling of the kail. On returning to the parlor she unlocked a press, and took out a pair of coarse, brown sheets to air for Amanda. She herself slept in one closet, and in the other was a bed for Amanda, laid on a half-decayed bedstead, without curtains, and covered with a blue-stuff quilt. The closet was lighted by one small window, which looked into the garden, and its furniture consisted of a broken chair, and a piece of looking-glass stuck to the wall.
The promised supper was at length served. It consisted of a few heads of kail, some oaten bread, a jug12 of water, and a small phial half full of spirits, which Amanda would not taste, and the old lady herself took but sparingly. They were lighted by a small candle, which, on retiring to their closets, Mrs. Macpherson cut between them.
Amanda felt relieved by being alone. She could now without restraint indulge her tears and her reflections; that she could never enjoy any satisfaction with a being so ungracious in her manners and so contracted in her notions, she foresaw; but, disagreeable as her situation must be, she felt inclined to continue in it, from the idea of its giving her more opportunities of hearing from Mrs. Dermot than she could have in almost[Pg 395] any other place, and by these opportunities alone could she expect to hear of Lord Mortimer; and to hear of him, even the most trifling circumstance, though divided, forever divided from him, would be a source of exquisite13 though melancholy14 pleasure.
To think she should hear of him, at once soothed15 and fed her melancholy. It lessened18 the violence of sorrow, yet without abating19 its intenseness; it gave a delicious sadness to her soul she thought would be ill exchanged for any feelings short of those she must have experienced, if her wishes had been accomplished20. She enjoyed the pensive21 luxury of virtuous22 grief, which mitigates23 the sharp
“With gracious drops
Of cordial pleasure,”
and which Akenside so beautifully describes; nor can I forbear quoting the lines he has written to illustrate24 the truth—
“Ask the faithful youth
So often fills his arms, so often draws
His lonely footsteps at the silent hour,
To pay the mournful tribute of his tears?
O, he will tell thee, that the wealth of worlds
That sacred hour, when, stealing from the noise
Fatigued31 by the contending emotions she experienced, as well as the sickness she went through at sea, Amanda soon retired32 to her flock bed, and fell into a profound slumber33, in which she continued till roused in the morning by the shrill34 voice of Mrs. Macpherson, exclaiming, as she rapped at the door, “Come, come, Frances, it is time to rise.”
Amanda started from her sleep, forgetting both the name she had adopted and the place where she was; but Mrs. Macpherson again calling her to rise, restored her to her recollection. She replied she would attend her directly, and, hurrying on her clothes, was with her in a few minutes. She found the old lady seated at the breakfast-table, who, instead of returning her salutation, said, “that on account of her fatigue30 she excused her lying so long in bed this morning, for it was now eight o’clock; but in future she would expect her to rise before six in summer, and seven in winter, adding, as there was no clock, she would rap at her door for that purpose every morning.”
[Pg 396]Amanda assured her “she was fond of rising early, and always accustomed to it.” The tea was now poured out; it was of the worst kind, and sweetened with coarse brown sugar; the bread was oaten, and there was no butter. Amanda, unused to such unpalatable fare, swallowed a little of it with difficulty, and then, with some hesitation35, said “she would prefer milk to tea.” Mrs. Macpherson frowned exceedingly at this, and, after continuing silent a few minutes, said, “she had really made tea for two people, and she could not think of having it wasted; besides, she added, the economy of her house was so settled she could not infringe36 it for any one.” She kept no cow herself, and only took in as much milk as served her tea and an old tabby-cat.
Amanda replied, “it was of no consequence,” and Mrs. Macpherson said, indeed she supposed so, and muttered something of people giving themselves airs they had no pretensions37 to. The tea-table was removed before nine, when the school began; it consisted of about thirty girls, most of them daughters of farmers in the neighborhood. Amanda and they being introduced to each other (and she being previously38 informed what they were taught), was desired to commence the task of instructing them entirely39 herself that day, as Mrs. Macpherson wanted to observe her manner—a most unpleasant task indeed for poor Amanda, whose mind and body were both harassed40 by anxiety and fatigue. As she had undertaken it, however, she resolved to go through it with as much cheerfulness and alacrity41 as possible. She accordingly acquitted42 herself to the satisfaction of Mrs. Macpherson, who only found fault with her too great gentleness, saying, the children would never fear her. At two the school broke up, and Amanda, almost as delighted as the children to be at liberty, was running into the garden to try if the air would be of use to a very violent headache; when she was called back to put the forms and other things in order. She colored, and stood motionless, till recollecting43 that if she refused to obey Mrs. Macpherson a quarrel would probably ensue, which, circumstanced as she was, without knowing where to go to, would be dreadful, she silently performed what she had been desired to do. Dinner was then brought in; it was as simple and as sparing as a Braman could desire it to be. When over, Mrs. Macpherson composed herself to take a nap in the large chair, without making any kind of apology to Amanda.
Left at liberty, Amanda would now have walked out; but it had just begun to rain, and everything looked dreary44 and[Pg 397] desolate45. From the window in which she pensively46 sat she had a view of the sea; it looked black and tempestuous47, and she could distinguish its awful and melancholy roaring as it dashed against the rocks. The little servant-girl, as she cleaned the kitchen, sung a dismal48 Scotch49 ditty, so that all conspired50 to oppress the spirits of Amanda with a dejection greater than she had before ever experienced; all hope was now extinct, the social ties of life seemed broken, never more to be reunited. She had now no father, no friend, no lover, as heretofore, to soothe16 her feelings, or alleviate51 her sorrows. Like the poor Belvidera she might have said,
“There was a time
Her cries and sorrows
Were not despised, when, if she chanced to sigh,
Or but look sad, a friend or parent
Would have taken her in their arms,
Eased her declining head upon their breasts,
And never left her till they found the cause;
But now let her weep seas,
Like a tender sapling, transplanted from its native soil, she seemed to stand alone, exposed to every adverse54 blast. Her tears gushed55 forth56, and fell in showers down her pale cheeks. She sighed forth the name of her father: “Oh! dear and most benignant of men,” she exclaimed, “my father and my friend; were you living, I should not be so wretched; pity and consolation57 would then be mine. Oh! my father, one of the dreariest58 caverns59 in yonder rocks would be an asylum60 of comfort were you with me; but I am selfish in these regrets, certain as I am that you exchanged this life of wretchedness for one of eternal peace, for one where you were again united to your Malvina.”
Her thoughts adverted61 to what Lord Mortimer, in all probability, now thought of her; but this was too dreadful to dwell upon, convinced as she was, that, from appearances, he must think most unfavorably of her. His picture was hung in her bosom, she drew it out. She gazed with agonizing62 tenderness upon it. She pressed it to her lips, and prayed for its original. From this indulgence of sorrow she was disturbed by the waking of Mrs. Macpherson. She hastily wiped away her tears, and hid the beloved picture. The evening passed most disagreeably. Mrs. Macpherson was tedious and inquisitive63 in her discourse64, and it was almost as painful to listen as to answer her. Amanda was happy when the hour for retiring to bed[Pg 398] arrived, and relieved her from what might be called a kind of mental bondage65.
Such was the first day Amanda passed in her new habitation, and a week elapsed in the same manner without any variation, except that on Sunday she had a cessation from her labors66, and went to the kirk with Mrs. Macpherson. At the end of the week she found herself so extremely ill from the fatigue and confinement67 she endured, as Mrs. Macpherson would not let her walk out, saying, “gadders were good for nothing"—that she told her, except allowed to go out every evening, she must leave her, as she could not bear so sedentary a life. Mrs. Macpherson looked disconcerted, and grumbled68 a good deal; but as Amanda spoke69 in a resolute70 manner, she was frightened lest she should put her threats into execution, she was so extremely useful in the school; and at last told her she might take as much exercise as she pleased every day after dinner.
Amanda gladly availed herself of this permission. She explored all the romantic paths about the house; but the one she chiefly delighted to take was that which led to the sea. She loved to ramble71 about the beach; when fatigued to sit down upon the fragment of a rock and look towards the opposite shore. Vainly then would she try to discover some of the objects she knew so well. Castle Carberry was utterly72 undistinguishable, but she knew the spot on which it stood, and derived74 a melancholy pleasure from looking that way. In these retired rambles75 she would freely indulge her tears, and gaze upon the picture of Lord Mortimer. She feared no observation; the rocks formed a kind of recess76 about her, and in going to them she seldom met a creature.
A fortnight passed in this way, and she began to feel surprise and uneasiness at not hearing from Mrs. Dermot. If much longer silent, she resolved on writing, feeling it impossible to endure much longer the agony her ignorance of Lord Mortimer’s proceedings77 gave her. The very morning previous to the one she had fixed78 for writing she saw a sailor coming to the house, and believing he was the bearer of a letter to her, she forgot everything but her feelings at the moment, and starting from her seat ran from the room. She met him a few yards from the house, and then perceived he was one of the sailors of the vessel79 she had come over in. “You have a letter for me, I hope?” said Amanda. The man nodded, and fumbling80 in his bosom for a moment, pulled out a large packet, which Amanda snatched with eager transport from him; and[Pg 399] knowing she could not attempt to bring him into the house for refreshment81, gave him a crown to procure7 it elsewhere, which he received with thankfulness, and departed. She then returned to the parlor, and was hastening to her closet to read the letter, when Mrs. Macpherson stopped her. “Hey-day,” cried she, “what is the matter?—what is all this fuss about? Why, one would think that was a love letter, you are so very eager to read it.” “It is not, then, I can assure you" said Amanda. “Well, well; and who is it from?” Amanda reflected that if she said from Mrs. Dermot a number of impertinent questions would be asked her. She therefore replied: “From a very particular friend.” “From a very particular friend! Well, I suppose there is nothing about life or death in it, so you may wait till after dinner to read it; and pray sit down now, and hear the children their spelling lessons.” This was a tantalizing82 moment to Amanda. She stood hesitating whether she should obey, till reflecting that if she went now to read the packet, she should most probably be interrupted ere she had got through half the contents, she resolved on putting it up till after dinner. The moment at last came for Mrs. Macpherson’s usual nap, and Amanda instantly hastened to a recess amongst the rocks, where seating herself, she broke the seal. The envelope contained two letters. The first she cast her eyes upon was directed in Lord Cherbury’s hand. She trembled, tore it open, and read as follows:—
TO MISS FITZALAN.
In vain, my dear madam, do you say you never will receive pecuniary83 favors from me. It is not you, but I, should lie under obligations from their acceptance. I should deem myself the most ungrateful of mankind if I did not insist on carrying this point. I am but just returned to London, and shall immediately order my lawyer to draw up a deed entitling you to three hundred pounds a year, which, when completed, I shall transmit to the prioress (as I have this letter) to send to you. I am sensible, indeed, that I never can recompense the sacrifice you have made me. The feelings it has excited I shall not attempt to express, because language could never do them justice; but you may conceive what I must feel for the being who has preserved me from dishonor and destruction. I am informed Lord Mortimer has left Ireland, and therefore daily expect him in town. I have now not only every hope, but every prospect, of his complying with my wishes. This, I imagine, will be rather pleasing to you to hear, that you may know the sacrifice you have made is not made in vain, but will be attended with all the good consequences I expected to derive73 from it. I should again enjoy a tolerable degree of peace, were I assured you were happy; but this is an assurance I will hope soon to receive; for if you are not happy, who has a right to expect being so?—you whose virtue is so pure, whose generosity84 is so noble, so heroic, so far superior to any I have ever met with!
[Pg 400] That in this world, as well as the next, you may be rewarded for it, is, dear madam, the sincere wish of him who has the honor to subscribe85 himself your most grateful, most obliged, and most obedient, humble86 servant,
Cherbury.
“Unfeeling man!” exclaimed Amanda, “how little is your heart interested in what you write, and how slight do you make of the sacrifice I have made you; how cruelly mention your hopes, which are derived from the destruction of mine! No, sooner would I wander from door to door for charity, than be indebted to your ostentatious gratitude87 for support—you, whose treachery and vile88 deceit have ruined my happiness.” She closed the letter, and committing it to her pocket, took up the other, which she saw by the direction was from her dear Mrs. Dermot.
TO MISS DONALD.
Ah! my dear child, why extort89 a promise from me of being minute in relating everything which happened in consequence of your departure—a promise so solemnly given that I dare not recede90 from it; yet most unwillingly91 do I keep it, sensible as I am that the intelligence I have to communicate will but aggravate92 your sorrows. Methinks I hear you exclaim at this: “Surely, my dear Mrs. Dermot, you who know my disposition93 and temper so well, might suppose I would receive such intelligence with a fortitude94 and patience that would prevent its materially injuring me.” Well, my dear, hoping this will be the case, I begin, without further delay, to communicate particulars. You left me, you may remember, about three o’clock. I then went to bed, but so fatigued and oppressed I could scarcely sleep, and was quite unrefreshed by what I did get. After prayers I repaired to the parlor, where the assiduous care of Sister Mary had already prepared everything for your breakfast and Lord Mortimer’s. I told the sisters not to appear till they were sent for. I had not been long alone when Lord Mortimer came in—cheerful, blooming, animated95. Never did I see happiness so strongly impressed in any countenance96 as in his. He looked, indeed, the lover about receiving the precious reward of constancy. He asked me had I seen you? I answered, No. He soon grew impatient, said you were a lazy girl, and feared you would make a bad traveller. He then rang the bell, and desired the maid to go and call you. Oh! my dear girl, my heart almost died within me at this moment. I averted97 my head, and pretended to be looking at the garden to conceal98 my confusion. The maid returned in a few minutes, and said you were not above. “Well,” said Lord Mortimer, “she is in some other apartment; pray search, and hasten her hither.” In a few minutes after she departed, Sister Mary, all pale and breathless, rushed into the room. “Oh, heavens!” cried she, “Miss Fitzalan cannot be found; but here are two letters I found on her dressing-table—one for you, madam, and one for Lord Mortimer.” I know not how he looked at this instant, for a guilty consciousness came over my mind, which prevented my raising my eyes to his. I took the letter in silence, opened, but had no power to read it. Sister Mary stood by me, wringing99 her hands and weeping, as she exclaimed, “What—what does she say to you?” I could neither answer her nor move, till a deep sigh, or rather groan100, from Lord Mortimer roused me. I started from my seat, and perceive him pale[Pg 401] and motionless, the letter open in his hand, upon which his eyes were riveted101. I threw open the garden door to give him air. This a little revived him. “Be comforted, my lord,” said I. He shook his head mournfully, and waving his hand for me neither to speak nor follow him, passed into the garden. “Blessed Heaven!” said Sister Mary again, “what does she say to you!” I gave her your letter, and desired her to read it aloud, for the tears which flowed at the affecting situation of Lord Mortimer quite obscured my sight. And here, my dear child, I must declare that you have been too generous, and also, that the sum you betrayed us into taking is but considered as a loan by us. But, to return to my first subject. The alarm concerning you now became general, and the nuns crowded into the room—grief and consternation102 in every countenance. In about half an hour I saw Lord Mortimer returning to the parlor, and I then dismissed them. He had been endeavoring to compose himself, but his efforts for doing so were ineffectual. He trembled, was pale as death, and spoke with a faltering103 voice. He gave me your letter to read, and I put mine into his hand. “Well, my lord,” said I, on perusing104 it, “we must rather pity than condemn105 her.” “From my soul,” cried he, “I pity her—I pity such a being as Amanda Fitzalan, for being the slave, the prey106 of vice107. But she has been cruel to me; she has deceived, inhumanly108 deceived me, and blasted my peace for ever!” “Ah, my lord!” I replied, “though appearances are against her, I can never believe her guilty. She, who performed all the duties of a child, as Amanda Fitzalan did, and who, to my certain knowledge, was preparing herself for a life of poverty, can never be a victim to vice.” “Mention her no more,” cried he; “her name is like a dagger109 to my heart. The suspicions which, but a few nights ago, I could have killed myself for entertaining, are now confirmed. They intruded110 on my mind from seeing Belgrave haunting this place, and from finding her secreted111 amidst the ruins at a late hour. Ah, heavens! when I noticed her confusion, how easily did she exculpate112 herself to a heart prepossessed like mine in her favor! Unhappy, unfortunate girl! sad and pitiable is thy fate! but may an early repentance113 snatch thee from the villain114 who now triumphs in thy ruin; and may we, since thus separated, never meet again. So well,” continued he, “am I convinced of the cause of her flight, that I shall not make one inquiry115 after her.” I again attempted to speak in your justification117, but he silenced me. I begged he would allow me to get him breakfast. He could touch nothing, and said he must return directly to Castle Carberry, but promised, in the course of the day, to see me again. I followed him into the hall. At the sight of your corded boxes, he started, and shrunk back, with that kind of melancholy horror which we involuntarily feel when viewing anything that belonged to a dear, lost friend. I saw his emotions were agonizing. He hid his face with his handkerchief, and, with a hasty step, ascended118 to his carriage, which, with a travelling chaise, was waiting at the door.
I own I was often tempted116, in the course of conversation, to tell him all I knew about you; but the promise I had given you still rose to my view, and I felt, without your permission, I could not break it; yet, my dear, it is shocking to me to have such imputations cast on you. We cannot blame Lord Mortimer for them. Situated119 as you were with him, your conduct has naturally excited the most injurious suspicions. Surely, my child, though not allowed to solve the mystery which has separated you from him, you may be allowed to vindicate120 your conduct. The sacrifice of fame and happiness is too much. Consider and weigh well what I say, and, if possible, authorize121 me to inform Lord Mortimer that I know of your retreat, and that you have retired neither to a lover nor a friend; but to indigence122 and[Pg 402] obscurity, led thither123 by a fatal necessity which you are bound to conceal, and feel more severely124 from that circumstance. He would, I am confident, credit my words; and then, instead of condemning125, would join me in pitying you. The more I reflect on your unaccountable separation, the more am I bewildered in conjectures126 relative to it, and convinced more strongly than ever of the frailty127 of human joy, which, like a summer cloud, is bright, but transitory in its splendor128. Lord Mortimer had left the convent about two hours, when his man arrived to dismiss the travelling chaise and attendants. I went out and inquired after his lord. “He is very bad, madam,” said he, “and this has been a sad morning for us all.” Never, my dear Miss Fitzalan, did I, or the sisterhood, pass so melancholy a day. About five in the afternoon, I received another visit from Lord Mortimer. I was alone in the parlor, which he entered with an appearance of the deepest melancholy; one of his arms was in a sling129. I was terrified, lest he and Belgrave had met. He conjectured130, I fancy, the occasion of the terror my countenance expressed, for he immediately said he had been ill on returning to Castle Carberry, and was bled. He was setting off directly for Dublin, he said, from whence he intended to embark131 for England. “But I could not depart, my dear, good friend,” continued he, “without bidding you farewell; besides, I wanted to assure you, that any promise which the unfortunate girl made you in my name I shall hold sacred.” I knew he alluded132 to the fifty pounds which he had desired you to tell me should be annually133 remitted134 to our house. I instantly, therefore, replied, that we had already been rewarded beyond our expectation or desires for any little attention we showed Miss Fitzalan; but his generous resolution was not to be shaken. He looked weak and exhausted135. I begged permission to make tea for him ere he commenced his journey. He consented. I went out of the room to order in the things. When I returned, he was standing136 at the window which looked into the garden, so absorbed in meditation137 that he did not hear me. I heard him say, “Cruel Amanda! is it thus you have rewarded my sufferings?” I retreated, lest he should be confused by supposing himself overheard, and did not return till the maid brought in the tea things.
When he arose to depart, he looked wavering and agitated138, as if there was something on his mind he wanted courage to say. At last, in a faltering voice, while the deadly paleness of his complexion139 gave way to a deep crimson140, he said, “I left Miss Fitzalan’s letter with you.” Ah, my dear! never did man love woman better than he did, than he now loves you. I took the letter from my pocket, and presented it to him. He put it in his bosom, with an emotion that shook his whole frame. I hailed this as a favorable opportunity for again speaking in your favor. I bid him retrospect141 your past actions, and judge from them whether you could be guilty of a crime——. He stopped me short. He begged me to drop a subject he was unable to bear. Had he been less credulous142, he said, he should now have been much happier; then wringing my hand, he bid me farewell, in a voice, and with a look, that drew tears from me. “Ah, my dear madam!” cried he, “when this day commenced, how differently did I think it would have terminated!”
I attended him to his carriage. He was obliged to lean upon his man as he ascended to it, and his looks and agitation143 proclaimed the deepest distress144. I have sent repeatedly to Castle Carberry since his departure to inquire about him, and have been informed, that they expect to hear nothing of him till Lord Cherbury’s agent comes into the country, which will not be these three months.
I have heard much of the good he did in the neighborhood. He has a bounteous145 and benevolent146 spirit indeed. To our community he has been a[Pg 403] liberal benefactor147, and our prayers are daily offered up for his restoration to health and tranquillity148. Amongst his other actions, when in Dublin, about three months ago, he ordered a monument to the memory of Captain Fitzalan, which has been brought down since your departure, and put up in the parish church, where he is interred149. I sent Sister Mary and another of the nuns the other evening to see it, and they brought me a description of it. It is a white marble urn, ornamented150 with a foliage151 of laurel, and standing upon a pedestal of gray, on which the name of the deceased, and words to the following effect, are inscribed152, namely: “That he whose memory it perpetuates153, performed the duties of a Christian154 and a soldier, with a fidelity155 and zeal156 that now warrants his enjoying a blessed recompense for both.”
I know this proof of respect to your father will deeply affect you; but I would not omit telling it, because, though it will affect, I am confident it will also please you. The late events have cast a gloom over all our spirits. Sister Mary now prays more than ever; and you know I have often told her she was only fit for a religious vocation157. It is a bad world, she says, we live in, and she is glad she has so little to say to it.
I am longing158 to hear from you. Pray tell me how you like Mrs. Macpherson. I have not seen her since her youth, and years often produce as great a change in the temper as the face. At any rate, your present situation is too obscure for you to continue in, and, as soon as your thoughts are collected and composed, you must look out for another. I hope you will be constant in writing; but I tell you beforehand, you must not expect me to be punctual in my answers—I have been so long disused to writing, and my eyes are grown so weak. This letter has been the work of many days; besides, I have really nothing interesting to communicate: whenever I have, you may be assured I shall not lose a moment in informing you.
The woman was extremely thankful for the five guineas you left her. Lord Mortimer sent her five more by his man; so that she thinks herself well rewarded for any trouble or disappointment she experienced. If you wish to have any of your things sent to you, acquaint me; you know I shall never want an opportunity by the master of the vessel. He speaks largely of your generosity to him, and expresses much pity at seeing so young a person in such melancholy. May Heaven, if it does not remove the source, at least lessen17 this melancholy.
If possible, allow me to write to Lord Mortimer, and vindicate you from the unworthy suspicions he entertains of you. I know he would believe me, and I should do it without discovering your retreat. Farewell, my dear girl. I recommend you constantly to the care of Heaven, and beg you to believe you will ever be dear and interesting to the heart of
Elizabeth Dermot.
St. Catherine’s.
Poor Amanda wept over this letter. “I have ruined the health, the peace of Lord Mortimer,” she exclaimed, “and he now execrates159 me as the source of his unhappiness. Oh! Lord Cherbury, how severely do I suffer for your crime!” She began to think her virtue had been too heroic in the sacrifice she had made. But this was a transient idea, for when she reflected on the disposition of Lord Cherbury, she was convinced the divulgement of his secret would have been followed by his death; and, great as was her present wretchedness, she felt it light compared to the horrors she knew she[Pg 404] would experience could she accuse herself of being accessory to such an event. She now drank deeply of the cup of misery160, but conscious rectitude, in some degree, lessened its noxious161 bitterness. She resolved to caution Mrs. Dermot against mentioning her in any manner to Lord Mortimer. She was well convinced he would believe no asseveration of her innocence162. And even if he did, what end could it answer? Their union was opposed by an obstacle not to be surmounted163, and if he sought and discovered her retreat, it would only lead to new sorrows, perhaps occasion some dreadful catastrophe164. “We are separated,” cried she, folding her hands together, “forever separated in this world, but in Heaven we shall again be reunited.”
Absorbed in the reflections and sorrow this letter gave rise to, she remained in her seat till Mrs. Macpherson’s little girl suddenly appeared before her, and said her mistress had made tea, and was wondering what kept her out so long.
Amanda instantly arose, and carefully putting up the letter, returned to the house, where she found Mrs. Macpherson in a very bad humor. She grumbled exceedingly at Amanda’s staying out so long, and taking notice of her eyes being red and swelled165, said, “indeed, she believed she was right in supposing she had got a love-letter.” Amanda made no reply, and the evening passed away in peevishness166 on one side and silence on the other.
The charm which had hitherto rendered Amanda’s situation tolerable was now dissolved, as Mrs. Dermot had said she could write but seldom, and scarcely expected to have anything interesting to relate. She would gladly, therefore, have left Mrs. Macpherson immediately, but she knew not where to go. She resolved, however, ere winter had entirely set in, to request Mrs. Dermot to look out for some other place for her: as she had connections in Scotland, she thought she might recommend her to them as a governess, or a fit person to do fine works for a lady. She rose long before her usual hour the next morning, and wrote a letter expressive167 of her wishes and intentions to Mrs. Dermot, which she sent by a poor man, who lived near the house, to the post-town, rewarding him liberally for his trouble.
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urn
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| n.（有座脚的）瓮；坟墓；骨灰瓮 | |
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trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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nuns
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| n.（通常指基督教的）修女， （佛教的）尼姑( nun的名词复数 ) | |
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briefly
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compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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procured
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| v.（努力）取得， （设法）获得( procure的过去式和过去分词 )；拉皮条 | |
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procure
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| vt.获得，取得，促成；vi.拉皮条 | |
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parlor
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| n.店铺，营业室；会客室，客厅 | |
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9
tenement
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| n.公寓；房屋 | |
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10
cane
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| n.手杖，细长的茎，藤条；v.以杖击，以藤编制的 | |
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11
prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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12
jug
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| n.(有柄，小口，可盛水等的)大壶，罐，盂 | |
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13
exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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14
melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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15
soothed
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| v.安慰( soothe的过去式和过去分词 )；抚慰；使舒服；减轻痛苦 | |
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16
soothe
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| v.安慰；使平静；使减轻；缓和；奉承 | |
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17
lessen
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| vt.减少，减轻；缩小 | |
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18
lessened
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| 减少的，减弱的 | |
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19
abating
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| 减少( abate的现在分词 )； 减去； 降价； 撤消（诉讼） | |
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20
accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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21
pensive
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| a.沉思的,哀思的,忧沉的 | |
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22
virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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23
mitigates
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| v.减轻，缓和( mitigate的第三人称单数 ) | |
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24
illustrate
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| v.举例说明，阐明；图解，加插图 | |
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25
seduce
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| vt.勾引，诱奸，诱惑，引诱 | |
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26
bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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27
soothes
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| v.安慰( soothe的第三人称单数 )；抚慰；使舒服；减轻痛苦 | |
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28
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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29
rapture
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| n.狂喜；全神贯注；着迷；v.使狂喜 | |
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30
fatigue
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| n.疲劳，劳累 | |
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31
fatigued
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| adj. 疲乏的 | |
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32
retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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33
slumber
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| n.睡眠，沉睡状态 | |
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34
shrill
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| adj.尖声的；刺耳的；v尖叫 | |
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35
hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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36
infringe
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| v.违反，触犯，侵害 | |
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37
pretensions
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| 自称( pretension的名词复数 )； 自命不凡； 要求； 权力 | |
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38
previously
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| adv.以前，先前（地） | |
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39
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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40
harassed
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| adj. 疲倦的，厌烦的 动词harass的过去式和过去分词 | |
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41
alacrity
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| n.敏捷，轻快，乐意 | |
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42
acquitted
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| 宣判…无罪( acquit的过去式和过去分词 )； 使（自己）作出某种表现 | |
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43
recollecting
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| v.记起，想起( recollect的现在分词 ) | |
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44
dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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45
desolate
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| adj.荒凉的，荒芜的；孤独的，凄凉的；v.使荒芜，使孤寂 | |
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46
pensively
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| adv.沉思地，焦虑地 | |
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47
tempestuous
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| adj.狂暴的 | |
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48
dismal
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| adj.阴沉的，凄凉的，令人忧郁的，差劲的 | |
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49
scotch
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| n.伤口，刻痕；苏格兰威士忌酒；v.粉碎，消灭，阻止；adj.苏格兰(人)的 | |
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50
conspired
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| 密谋( conspire的过去式和过去分词 )； 搞阴谋； （事件等）巧合； 共同导致 | |
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51
alleviate
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| v.减轻，缓和，缓解(痛苦等) | |
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52
rend
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| vt.把…撕开，割裂；把…揪下来，强行夺取 | |
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53
asunder
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| adj.分离的，化为碎片 | |
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54
adverse
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| adj.不利的；有害的；敌对的，不友好的 | |
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55
gushed
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| v.喷，涌( gush的过去式和过去分词 )；滔滔不绝地说话 | |
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56
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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57
consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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58
dreariest
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| 使人闷闷不乐或沮丧的( dreary的最高级 )； 阴沉的； 令人厌烦的； 单调的 | |
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59
caverns
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| 大山洞，大洞穴( cavern的名词复数 ) | |
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60
asylum
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| n.避难所，庇护所，避难 | |
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61
adverted
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| 引起注意（advert的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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62
agonizing
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| adj.痛苦难忍的；使人苦恼的v.使极度痛苦；折磨(agonize的ing形式) | |
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63
inquisitive
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| adj.求知欲强的，好奇的，好寻根究底的 | |
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64
discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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65
bondage
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| n.奴役，束缚 | |
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66
labors
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| v.努力争取(for)( labor的第三人称单数 )；苦干；详细分析；（指引擎）缓慢而困难地运转 | |
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67
confinement
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| n.幽禁，拘留，监禁；分娩；限制，局限 | |
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68
grumbled
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| 抱怨( grumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 发牢骚； 咕哝； 发哼声 | |
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69
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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70
resolute
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| adj.坚决的，果敢的 | |
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71
ramble
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| v.漫步，漫谈，漫游；n.漫步，闲谈，蔓延 | |
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72
utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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73
derive
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| v.取得；导出；引申；来自；源自；出自 | |
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74
derived
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| vi.起源；由来；衍生；导出v.得到( derive的过去式和过去分词 )；（从…中）得到获得；源于；（从…中）提取 | |
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75
rambles
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|
| （无目的地）漫游( ramble的第三人称单数 )； （喻）漫谈； 扯淡； 长篇大论 | |
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76
recess
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| n.短期休息，壁凹（墙上装架子，柜子等凹处） | |
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77
proceedings
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| n.进程，过程，议程；诉讼(程序)；公报 | |
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78
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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79
vessel
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| n.船舶；容器，器皿；管，导管，血管 | |
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80
fumbling
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| n. 摸索,漏接 v. 摸索,摸弄,笨拙的处理 | |
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81
refreshment
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| n.恢复，精神爽快，提神之事物；（复数）refreshments:点心，茶点 | |
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82
tantalizing
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|
| adj.逗人的；惹弄人的；撩人的；煽情的v.逗弄，引诱，折磨( tantalize的现在分词 ) | |
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83
pecuniary
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|
| adj.金钱的；金钱上的 | |
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84
generosity
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| n.大度，慷慨，慷慨的行为 | |
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85
subscribe
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| vi.(to)订阅，订购；同意；vt.捐助，赞助 | |
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86
humble
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|
| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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87
gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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88
vile
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| adj.卑鄙的，可耻的，邪恶的；坏透的 | |
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89
extort
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| v.勒索，敲诈，强要 | |
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90
recede
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| vi.退(去)，渐渐远去；向后倾斜，缩进 | |
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91
unwillingly
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| adv.不情愿地 | |
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92
aggravate
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| vt.加重(剧)，使恶化；激怒，使恼火 | |
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93
disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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94
fortitude
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| n.坚忍不拔；刚毅 | |
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95
animated
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| adj.生气勃勃的，活跃的，愉快的 | |
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96
countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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97
averted
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| 防止，避免( avert的过去式和过去分词 )； 转移 | |
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98
conceal
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，隐蔽 | |
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99
wringing
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| 淋湿的，湿透的 | |
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100
groan
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| vi./n.呻吟，抱怨；(发出)呻吟般的声音 | |
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101
riveted
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| 铆接( rivet的过去式和过去分词 )； 把…固定住； 吸引； 引起某人的注意 | |
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102
consternation
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| n.大为吃惊，惊骇 | |
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103
faltering
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| 犹豫的，支吾的，蹒跚的 | |
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104
perusing
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| v.读（某篇文字）( peruse的现在分词 )；（尤指）细阅；审阅；匆匆读或心不在焉地浏览（某篇文字） | |
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105
condemn
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| vt.谴责，指责；宣判(罪犯)，判刑 | |
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106
prey
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| n.被掠食者，牺牲者，掠食；v.捕食，掠夺，折磨 | |
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107
vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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108
inhumanly
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| adv.无人情味地，残忍地 | |
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109
dagger
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| n.匕首，短剑，剑号 | |
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110
intruded
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| n.侵入的，推进的v.侵入，侵扰，打扰( intrude的过去式和过去分词 )；把…强加于 | |
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111
secreted
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| v.（尤指动物或植物器官）分泌( secrete的过去式和过去分词 )；隐匿，隐藏 | |
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112
exculpate
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| v.开脱，使无罪 | |
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113
repentance
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| n.懊悔 | |
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114
villain
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| n.反派演员，反面人物；恶棍；问题的起因 | |
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115
inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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116
tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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117
justification
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| n.正当的理由；辩解的理由 | |
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118
ascended
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| v.上升，攀登( ascend的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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119
situated
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| adj.坐落在...的，处于某种境地的 | |
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120
vindicate
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| v.为…辩护或辩解，辩明；证明…正确 | |
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121
authorize
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| v.授权，委任；批准，认可 | |
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122
indigence
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| n.贫穷 | |
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123
thither
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| adv.向那里；adj.在那边的，对岸的 | |
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124
severely
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| adv.严格地；严厉地；非常恶劣地 | |
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125
condemning
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| v.（通常因道义上的原因而）谴责( condemn的现在分词 )；宣判；宣布…不能使用；迫使…陷于不幸的境地 | |
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126
conjectures
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| 推测，猜想( conjecture的名词复数 ) | |
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127
frailty
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| n.脆弱；意志薄弱 | |
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128
splendor
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| n.光彩；壮丽，华丽；显赫，辉煌 | |
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129
sling
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| vt.扔；悬挂；n.挂带；吊索，吊兜；弹弓 | |
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130
conjectured
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| 推测，猜测，猜想( conjecture的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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131
embark
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| vi.乘船，着手，从事，上飞机 | |
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alluded
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| 提及，暗指( allude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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annually
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| adv.一年一次，每年 | |
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remitted
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| v.免除（债务），宽恕( remit的过去式和过去分词 )；使某事缓和；寄回，传送 | |
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exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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meditation
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| n.熟虑，（尤指宗教的）默想，沉思，（pl.）冥想录 | |
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agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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complexion
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| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
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crimson
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| n./adj.深(绯)红色(的)；vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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retrospect
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| n.回顾，追溯；v.回顾，回想，追溯 | |
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credulous
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| adj.轻信的，易信的 | |
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143
agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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144
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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bounteous
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| adj.丰富的 | |
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benevolent
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| adj.仁慈的，乐善好施的 | |
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benefactor
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| n. 恩人，行善的人，捐助人 | |
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tranquillity
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| n. 平静, 安静 | |
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interred
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| v.埋，葬( inter的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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ornamented
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| adj.花式字体的v.装饰，点缀，美化( ornament的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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foliage
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| n.叶子，树叶，簇叶 | |
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152
inscribed
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| v.写，刻( inscribe的过去式和过去分词 )；内接 | |
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153
perpetuates
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| n.使永存，使人记住不忘( perpetuate的名词复数 )；使永久化，使持久化，使持续 | |
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Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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fidelity
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| n.忠诚，忠实；精确 | |
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zeal
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| n.热心，热情，热忱 | |
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vocation
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| n.职业，行业 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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execrates
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| v.憎恶( execrate的第三人称单数 )；厌恶；诅咒；咒骂 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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noxious
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| adj.有害的，有毒的；使道德败坏的，讨厌的 | |
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innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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surmounted
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| 战胜( surmount的过去式和过去分词 )； 克服（困难）； 居于…之上； 在…顶上 | |
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catastrophe
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| n.大灾难，大祸 | |
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swelled
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| 增强( swell的过去式和过去分词 )； 肿胀； （使）凸出； 充满（激情） | |
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166
peevishness
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| 脾气不好；爱发牢骚 | |
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expressive
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| adj.表现的，表达…的，富于表情的 | |
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