Listener those three Words which hold all Records as monosyllabic
Trouble-Makers.
They have a harmless look on the Printed Page, but when pulled at the
been put by.
The Serpent, operating in the guise4 of a Lover in a Serge Suit, had lured5, cajoled, wheedled6, and finessed8 until the poor trembling Child, only twenty-four years of Age, was alone with him in what the Landscaper had worked off on her Papa as a Formal Garden.
They stood clinched9 there in the dull Sunset Glow, with a Pergola for a Background. It was all very Belasco and in strict compliance10 with the League Rules laid down by W. Somerset Maugham.
According to the $2 Drama and every bright red Volume selling for $1.18 at a Department Store, this was
THE END
It seems, however, that they had not come to the real, sure-enough
Finis. The Terminus was some distance down the Line.
The Curtain refused to fall.
"What is the idea?" asked Adele, somewhat perturbed12. "We have hit the logical Climax13 of our Romance. As I understand it, we are now supposed to ascend14 in a Cloud and float through Ethereal Bliss15 for an indefinite Period."
"Right-o!" said the Fiance. "According to all the approved Dope, we are booked to live happily ever after."
The accepted Swain seemed to hear a low rumbling18 Wagnerian Effect from out the Clear Sky. In Music-Drama it is known as the Hammer Theme. It is included in the Curriculum at every Fem Sem.
Ferdinand had a Hunch19 that somebody was getting ready to drop Cyanide of Potassium into his Cup of Joy.
"Oh, Adele!" said the Friend, just like that. "Oh, Adele, may I speak to you for a Mo-munt?"
Ferdinand made his Exit, much peeved20, and the Friend expressed a Hope that she had arrived in time to throw the Switch and avert21 the Wrecking22 of a Life.
Far be it from her to Snitch, but it was her Duty to put Adele wise to what every one was whispering Under Cover.
She had no absolute Proof that he had carried on with a Front Row Floss
Regular at a Retreat where the Doctor shoots a Precious Metal into the
Arm.
It would be terrible to marry someone and then find out that he Drank, the same as all the other Married Men.
Leaving Adele in a Deep Swoon, the true Friend hurried to the nearest
In the meantime the elated Lover had loped all the way to the
University club to spring it on the Navajos and receive their
Felicitations.
His Rapture25 had rendered him fairly incoherent, and he was gurgling like an after-dinner Percolator; but he finally made it evident that he had been Hooked.
A deep Silence ensued, most of those present looking out the Window at the passing Traffic.
Finally a Shell-Back, who had been leading a Life of Single Torment26 ever since Sumter was fired upon, asked in a sepulchral27 Tone and without looking up from his Hand, "Has the Date been set?"
Ferdinand tried to tell them that he was going to the Altar and not to the Electric Chair, but he couldn't get a single Slap on the Back.
The only one evincing Interest was a He-Hen named Herbert, who took him into the Cloak-Room to plant a few Canadian Thistles in the Garden of Love.
Herb said he had always liked the Girl, even if she had given a couple of his Best Pals28 the Whillykathrow.
His Advice was to up and marry her before she had time to pull one of her temperamental Stunts29 and hand out the Rinkaboo.
Possibly if she could be weaned away from her eccentric Relations and governed with a Firm Hand she would turn out O. K..
Still, it was a tall Gamble. Under the Circumstances, he didn't see that there was anything for Ferdinand to do except mop up a few Drinks and hope for the Best.
When Ferdy looked at himself in the Mirror at Midnight, he didn't know whether he was Engaged or merely operating under a Suspended Sentence.
Next morning he had to bare his Soul to the Head of the Firm. This revered30 Fluff should have been known as Mr. Yes-But.
He was strong for the Married State, but it was highly advisable to have the Girl analyzed31 by a Chemist and passed upon by a Board of Experts before a Bid was submitted.
The Sunflower Paths of Dalliance were leading mostly to Reno, Nevada, and the Article commonly known as Love was merely a disinclination to continue eating Breakfast alone.
He said a Good Woman was a Jewel, but if one of them got a fair Run and Jump at a Check-Book she could put the National City Bank on the Hummer. Probably it was all right to go ahead, and take the High Hurdle32, but the Percentage was against the Candidate, and the Cost of Living was never so altitudinous.
Ferdinand retired33 from the Royal Presence feeling that he had been duly authorized34 to walk a Tight Rope over Niagara Falls.
As soon as the Bride-Elect had taken enough Headache Powders to prepare her for the Ordeal35, she sent for the Suspect to come up to the House and outline his Defense36.
They put in a humid Evening. When the falling Tears had made the Drawing-Room too soppy for further use, they moved into the Hallway and he continued to think up Alibis37.
At 11 P. M. he had explained Everything, repudiated38 many lifelong Friendships, deodorized his College Career, flouted39 the Demon40 Rum, and resigned from all Clubs.
The Birds were singing up and down the Main Stairway and Grandfather's
Clock played nothing but Mendelssohn.
She lay damply pillowed on his Bosom41. He was intensely relieved and yet vaguely42 conscious of the Fact that she had beat him to it. There had been a General Settlement, and he had figured merely as Supreme43 Goat.
In his anxiety to get the Kinks out of his own Record he had failed to hold her up for anything except a Pardon.
Before terminating the Peace Conference, it was suggested that inasmuch as every one else in the World had been notified, probably it would be just as well to let her Male Parent in on the Secret. Not that Father is regarded as a Principal in the up-to-date Household. Still, he is useful as a Super.
The old Gentleman was so soft that he nearly tipped his Hand. He gave Ferdinand a regular Cigar and then stalled for about 30 Seconds before indicating a Willingness to sign any form of Contract.
He pulled the Old One to the effect that the House would not seem the same after Addie had gone away, meaning that Breakfast would be served in the Morning and the Night Shift abolished.
When Ferdinand got back to his Room and counted up, he had to admit that Father was the only Outsider who seemed to be plugging for the Alliance.
But all petty Suspicions and unworthy Doubts flickered44 and disappeared when Nightfall came and Queenie was once more cuddled within the strong right Fin7, naming over some of the Men that he mustn't speak to any more.
The course of True Love ran smooth for a couple of Days, and then came a letter from his People, expressing the hope that he had picked out a devout45 Unitarian. Otherwise the Progeny46 would start off under a terrible Handicap.
Book on how to recover from a Dance by lying down and giving a
Recitation, but he never had suspected her of any real Religious
Before he could tell her how the Little Ones had been predestined, she notified him that her kinsmen49 had been peering into the Future and that all the problematical Offspring had been put on the Waiting List at the First Baptist Church.
Here was a grand Opening for Ferdinand. He resolved to make a Stand and issue a ringing Ultimatum50. He might as well tip it off to her and the whole Tribe that he was to be Caesar in his own Shack51.
So he went up to her House ready to die in the last ditch rather than yield to the advocates of Immersion52. After viewing the Problem in all its Aspects, he and Honey compromised by deciding that the Bairns were to be orthodox Baptists.
Having sponged every Blot53 from the Escutcheon and laid out the Labels for all Generations yet unborn, the incipient54 Benedick thought there would be nothing more to it except Holding Hands and watching the Calendar.
Life.
Every time he went up to scratch on the Door and beg for a Kiss, a
Strange Lady with Pins in her Mouth would come out and shoo him away,
explaining that the Pearl of Womanhood was laid out in the Operating
Room, being measured for something additional.
Occasionally he saw her, at one of the many Dinners decreed by Custom. They had to sit Miles apart, with Mountains of unseemly Victuals56 stacked between them, while some moss-grown Offshoot of the Family Tree rose and conquered his Asthma57 long enough to propose a Toast to the Bride.
The only Speeches they wished to hear could have been constructed out of the 40 words of standard Baby Talk, comprising what is known as the Mush Vocabulary.
Even after the Menu had been wrecked62 and the satiated Revelers had laboriously63 pried64 themselves away from the decorated Board, there was no escape.
The Women Folks led Adele away to some remote Apartment to sound a Few
Warnings, while the Men sat around in the Blue Smoke and joshed
Ferdinand to a fare-ye-well.
Each morning he found in his Mail a few Sealed Orders from Headquarters and about as many Stage Directions as would be required for putting on the Annual Show at the Hippodrome.
When he was not begging some one to come and Ush for him, he was either checking over the Glove List with a terrified Best Man or getting measured for a full layout of dark Livery that made him look like a refined Floor-Walker.
It seemed that Adele had a Step-Mother who had been crouched65 for Years waiting for a chance to bust66 into the Papers. Nothing would do her but a regular Madison Square Phantasmagoria, with two Rings and an elevated Platform.
She wanted Ribbons down the Aisle67 and little Girls sprinkling Posies, a Concert Orchestra buried under the Palms, and a few extra Ministers of the Gospel just to dress the Pulpit.
Every superfluous68 Accessory devised by the Nerve Specialist and approved by the Court of Bankruptcy69 was woven into the Nuptial70 Circus when Ferdinand and Adele were made one and Unhookable.
The Rehearsals71 somewhat resembled the Moving Pictures of the Durbar at
Delhi.
As a final Preparation for the Stupendous Pageant72, the Groom73 sat up all night in the Dipsomania Club, watching the Head-Liners of the Blue Book demolish74 Glassware.
According to the dictates75 of Fashion, one who is about to assume the solemn Responsibilities of Matrimony should abstain76 from Slumber77 for a week, devoting the time thus saved to a full consideration of Food and Drink.
The Ambulance bore his Remains78 to the Church. A few faithful Hang- Overs lifted him through the Portals, with his Toes dragging somewhat in the Rear.
They propped79 him against a Pilaster and told him his Name and begged him not to weaken, no matter what the Preacher might put up to him. Soon after he saw a Haggard Creature all fluffed about with White advancing unsteadily toward him. With the Make-Up, she did not look a Day over 47.
He did not hear any of the Service, but those who were more fortunate told him afterward80 that it was a very Pretty Wedding, and that they Presents they got were Simply Great.
MORAL: Too many Trained Nurses discommode81 Cupid.
点击收听单词发音
1 translucent | |
adj.半透明的;透明的 | |
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2 knell | |
n.丧钟声;v.敲丧钟 | |
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3 prelude | |
n.序言,前兆,序曲 | |
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4 guise | |
n.外表,伪装的姿态 | |
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5 lured | |
吸引,引诱(lure的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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6 wheedled | |
v.骗取(某物),哄骗(某人干某事)( wheedle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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7 fin | |
n.鳍;(飞机的)安定翼 | |
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8 finessed | |
v.手腕,手段,技巧( finesse的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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9 clinched | |
v.(尤指两人)互相紧紧抱[扭]住( clinch的过去式和过去分词 );解决(争端、交易),达成(协议) | |
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10 compliance | |
n.顺从;服从;附和;屈从 | |
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11 descend | |
vt./vi.传下来,下来,下降 | |
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12 perturbed | |
adj.烦燥不安的v.使(某人)烦恼,不安( perturb的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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13 climax | |
n.顶点;高潮;v.(使)达到顶点 | |
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14 ascend | |
vi.渐渐上升,升高;vt.攀登,登上 | |
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15 bliss | |
n.狂喜,福佑,天赐的福 | |
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16 gravel | |
n.砂跞;砂砾层;结石 | |
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17 stenciled | |
v.用模板印(文字或图案)( stencil的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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18 rumbling | |
n. 隆隆声, 辘辘声 adj. 隆隆响的 动词rumble的现在分词 | |
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19 hunch | |
n.预感,直觉 | |
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20 peeved | |
adj.恼怒的,不高兴的v.(使)气恼,(使)焦躁,(使)愤怒( peeve的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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21 avert | |
v.防止,避免;转移(目光、注意力等) | |
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22 wrecking | |
破坏 | |
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23 haven | |
n.安全的地方,避难所,庇护所 | |
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24 dismal | |
adj.阴沉的,凄凉的,令人忧郁的,差劲的 | |
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25 rapture | |
n.狂喜;全神贯注;着迷;v.使狂喜 | |
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26 torment | |
n.折磨;令人痛苦的东西(人);vt.折磨;纠缠 | |
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27 sepulchral | |
adj.坟墓的,阴深的 | |
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28 pals | |
n.朋友( pal的名词复数 );老兄;小子;(对男子的不友好的称呼)家伙 | |
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29 stunts | |
n.惊人的表演( stunt的名词复数 );(广告中)引人注目的花招;愚蠢行为;危险举动v.阻碍…发育[生长],抑制,妨碍( stunt的第三人称单数 ) | |
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30 revered | |
v.崇敬,尊崇,敬畏( revere的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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31 analyzed | |
v.分析( analyze的过去式和过去分词 );分解;解释;对…进行心理分析 | |
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32 hurdle | |
n.跳栏,栏架;障碍,困难;vi.进行跨栏赛 | |
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33 retired | |
adj.隐退的,退休的,退役的 | |
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34 authorized | |
a.委任的,许可的 | |
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35 ordeal | |
n.苦难经历,(尤指对品格、耐力的)严峻考验 | |
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36 defense | |
n.防御,保卫;[pl.]防务工事;辩护,答辩 | |
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37 alibis | |
某人在别处的证据( alibi的名词复数 ); 不在犯罪现场的证人; 借口; 托辞 | |
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38 repudiated | |
v.(正式地)否认( repudiate的过去式和过去分词 );拒绝接受;拒绝与…往来;拒不履行(法律义务) | |
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39 flouted | |
v.藐视,轻视( flout的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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40 demon | |
n.魔鬼,恶魔 | |
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41 bosom | |
n.胸,胸部;胸怀;内心;adj.亲密的 | |
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42 vaguely | |
adv.含糊地,暖昧地 | |
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43 supreme | |
adj.极度的,最重要的;至高的,最高的 | |
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44 flickered | |
(通常指灯光)闪烁,摇曳( flicker的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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45 devout | |
adj.虔诚的,虔敬的,衷心的 (n.devoutness) | |
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46 progeny | |
n.后代,子孙;结果 | |
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47 suffrage | |
n.投票,选举权,参政权 | |
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48 scruples | |
n.良心上的不安( scruple的名词复数 );顾虑,顾忌v.感到于心不安,有顾忌( scruple的第三人称单数 ) | |
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49 kinsmen | |
n.家属,亲属( kinsman的名词复数 ) | |
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50 ultimatum | |
n.最后通牒 | |
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51 shack | |
adj.简陋的小屋,窝棚 | |
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52 immersion | |
n.沉浸;专心 | |
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53 blot | |
vt.弄脏(用吸墨纸)吸干;n.污点,污渍 | |
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54 incipient | |
adj.起初的,发端的,初期的 | |
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55 swooped | |
俯冲,猛冲( swoop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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56 victuals | |
n.食物;食品 | |
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57 asthma | |
n.气喘病,哮喘病 | |
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58 craved | |
渴望,热望( crave的过去式 ); 恳求,请求 | |
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59 muster | |
v.集合,收集,鼓起,激起;n.集合,检阅,集合人员,点名册 | |
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60 platitude | |
n.老生常谈,陈词滥调 | |
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61 fervently | |
adv.热烈地,热情地,强烈地 | |
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62 wrecked | |
adj.失事的,遇难的 | |
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63 laboriously | |
adv.艰苦地;费力地;辛勤地;(文体等)佶屈聱牙地 | |
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64 pried | |
v.打听,刺探(他人的私事)( pry的过去式和过去分词 );撬开 | |
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65 crouched | |
v.屈膝,蹲伏( crouch的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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66 bust | |
vt.打破;vi.爆裂;n.半身像;胸部 | |
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67 aisle | |
n.(教堂、教室、戏院等里的)过道,通道 | |
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68 superfluous | |
adj.过多的,过剩的,多余的 | |
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69 bankruptcy | |
n.破产;无偿付能力 | |
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70 nuptial | |
adj.婚姻的,婚礼的 | |
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71 rehearsals | |
n.练习( rehearsal的名词复数 );排练;复述;重复 | |
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72 pageant | |
n.壮观的游行;露天历史剧 | |
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73 groom | |
vt.给(马、狗等)梳毛,照料,使...整洁 | |
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74 demolish | |
v.拆毁(建筑物等),推翻(计划、制度等) | |
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75 dictates | |
n.命令,规定,要求( dictate的名词复数 )v.大声讲或读( dictate的第三人称单数 );口授;支配;摆布 | |
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76 abstain | |
v.自制,戒绝,弃权,避免 | |
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77 slumber | |
n.睡眠,沉睡状态 | |
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78 remains | |
n.剩余物,残留物;遗体,遗迹 | |
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79 propped | |
支撑,支持,维持( prop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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80 afterward | |
adv.后来;以后 | |
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81 discommode | |
v.使失态,使为难 | |
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