Yahoo Settlement and moseyed up to the Congested Crossings and the
Electric Signs. In due time he returned, wearing Gloves and with his
Teeth full of Gold.
Ever since that historic Example it has been the daily desire of the Yokel1, staked down in a County Seat, to walk in on Judge Gary and form a Partnership2.
It befell that after a High School Alumnus had gone to a Varsity and scaled the fearsome heights of Integral and Differential Calculus3, he came home to get some more of Father's Shirts and Handkerchiefs and take a new Slant4 at Life's doubtful Vista5, while getting his Board for nothing.
The Town of his Nativity did not occupy many Pages in the statistical6 Census7 Reports. In fact, all the travelling Troupers who had worked for K. and E. referred to it as a Lime, which is the same as a Lemon, only smaller.
The ambitious Bachelor of Arts had a lot of Geological Data and College Fraternity Lore8 stowed away under his Mortar-Board. His hopes were set on something more noble than a Chair and a Table and a Blotter in a dusty Office up the Stairway leading to Odd Fellows' Hall.
So he resolved to hit the long Trail leading to a Modern Babylon where the Evening papers were on the Streets before Noon.
He figured that a Gazimbat with a John C. Calhoun Forehead and a lot of inside Dope on Hindoo Anthology could break into almost any Reservoir of Culture and bring home the Bacon.
Parents were dead willing to have him migrate and take his Tailor Bills with him, but they shivered with Dread9 when it came time to ship him to Gomorrah.
They knew all about the unbridled Deviltry of the City, having seen the large colored Illustrations in the Sunday Papers.
They had it on good Authority that the whole sub-stratum of Urban Existence was honeycombed with Rathskellers, while a Prominent Actress waited on almost every Corner, soliciting10 Travel on the Taxicab Route to the everlasting11 Coke Ovens.
While Elmer's fragile Steamer Trunk was being hoisted12 into the Dray, all the Relations who had assisted in bringing him up by Hand clustered around the melodeon and sang, "Oh, where is my Boy to-night?"
After the Day Coach had pulled away from the Depot13, he opened the Shoe- Box to extract a Crull and found a Book written by T. DeWitt Talmage, in which many Passages were marked.
He arrived at union Station with his Fingers crossed. He told himself
After he had hung up his Diploma and Razor Strop in the third-story
They told him they would put him next to a lot of nice clean People. He began to tremble, fearing that some one was about to offer him Champagne20, but the Orgy to which they conducted him was merely a meeting of the Civic22 Purifiers in a basement underneath23 a Church. He had not expected to find any Churches in the great wicked City. He thought each side of the Street would be built up solidly with Syndicate Theatres, Bacchanalian24 Bazaars25, and Manicure Pitfalls26.
Instead of finding Vice triumphant27, he learned that it was being chased up an Alley28 by the entire Police Force and the Federation29 of Women's Clubs.
He had the gift of Gab30 and a natural thirst for Tea, and the first thing he knew he had been drawn31 into so many Campaigns for Social Betterment that he had no time to hunt up conventional Temptations, such as the Welsh Rabbit or the Musical Comedy.
He found himself sitting next to a new type of Lassie. She had no Heels on her Shoes, pronounced each Syllable32 distinctly, and believed that her Mission in Life was to carry Maeterlinck to the Masses.
In nearly every Instance she had a Father who acted as frozen
Figurehead for some Trust Company.
Consequently, Elmer began to perk33 up and serve on Committees which met in Exclusive Homes and were entirely34 surrounded by Mahogany.
Whenever an Intellectual Queen pushed the Button, Elmer was right there with a Pitcher35 of Ice Water.
His Researches had proved to him that one of the Keenest Enjoyments36 of City Life is to remain away from the glaring Lobster37 Palace, especially when one can get one's Mallard Duck free of charge in a Flat renting for $6000 a Year.
Elmer became identified with the Cleaning Brigade of the Reform Element simply by riding on the Current of Events.
Adapting himself unconsciously to his antisepticized Environment, he acquired the Art of putting over the saccharine38 Extemporaneous39 Address, and he could smile, with his Teeth exposed, for an Hour at a time. In fact, he was a great Success.
At first he took in the Symphony Orchestra because he was dragged thither40. After about two years the Virus had permeated41 his System, and he was a regular Brahmsite. If he didn't get a full dose of Peer Gynt every few days, he was as nervous as a Cat.
The tall and straight-grained Heiress who finally landed him was only too glad to slip him the Bank-Book and tell him to go and sit in with the other Directors.
And now, having become a shiny Pillar in the Presbyterian Temple and one of the most respected Umbrella-Carriers on the Avenue, he felt a longing42 to beat it back to the home Burg and exhibit his Virtues43 to the members of the I-Knew-Him-When Club.
He wanted to patronize the Friends of his Youth and note the
Expressions of Discomfiture44 on the so-called Faces of Aunt Lib and
and never would amount to a Hill of Beans.
Commercial Hotel and the same Stick Candy exhibited in the Show
Windows.
But, while he had been witnessing the downfall of Evil in the busy Metropolis47, the Home Town had been putting on a little Side-Show of its own.
Along at the gateway48 of the 20th Century, every undersized Hamlet shown in the Atlas49 became seized with a Desire to throw on City Lugs50.
The same Father who had marked the Talmage Book for Elmer became Chairman of the House Committee in a Club which undertook to serve anything usually found on either side of a Cash Register.
Being in the heart of the Residence District, this select Organization could not obtain a regular License51.
However, having the moral support of the Best People, it maintained a
Blind Pig.
The combination of Blind Pig, two playful Kitties up-stairs, and a lot of gay Dogs spread out on the upholstered Chairs, certainly proved to be some Menagerie.
It was a matter of Pride with the Members that the Colored Boy could shake up anything known to the Regular Trade at the Knickerbocker or the Plaza52.
One of their main Delights, also, was to welcome the Stranger, who thought he was sojourning among the Rubes, and lead him into the Roodle Department, the purpose being to get him out on a Limb and then saw off the Limb.
Income, who counts up every Night and sets aside so much for Wheat
Shark that ever floated down the Mississippi.
The newcomer who tried to be Liberal usually went home in his Stocking
Feet.
Day by Day the Progressive Element in the Community widened its
Horizon, and the Country Club became a Necessity.
When the Church Bells were ding-donging at 10 A. M. on Sunday, the
former teacher of the Bible Class and the back-sliding Basso of the
Hole.
Simultaneous with the Golf Epidemic61, a good many Families that could not afford Kitchen Cabinets began to glide62 around in red Touring-Cars. Any one smelling the Blue Smoke along Main Street and then looking both ways before dashing across to the Drug Store was compelled to admit that the Jays had awakened63 from their Long Sleep.
Refined Vawdyville was on tap daily, and the Children of those who were only moderately well-to-do knew all the latest improper64 Songs.
Girls who had been brought up on Parchesi and Muggins would sit around
the Bridge Table all afternoon, trying to cop out some Lace for the new
Party Dress.
An imported Professor taught the Buds how to Tango and Trot.
Within a week after a new one had horrified68 Newport, the Younger Set would have it down pat and be mopping up the floor with one another. Of course they were denounced by the local Ministers, but the Guilty Parties never heard the Denunciations, as they were out Motoring at the time.
Speed Limit abolished.
Riding home in the Livery Hacks70 about 4 A. M., the Merry-Makers would be all in, but much gratified to know that Vienna and Paree had nothing on them as regards Rough House.
It was remarkable74 how much Dull Care they could banish75 in one Evening, especially if they got an Early Start.
The Town Pump did a punk Business, but the Side-Boards blossomed with
Fusel Oil and Fizzerine.
Intense Excitement prevailed when word came that Elmer was En Route.
a Schedule of Entertainment which involved nearly everything except
Sleep.
They said to themselves: "It is up to us to show this proud Pill from the City that we can be a bit Goey when the Going is right. If he thinks he can pull any new Wrinkles on the Provincials77, he is entitled to another Think. We must get into our Evening Glads early this Afternoon and clear the Decks for a Hard Night."
While they were making these grim Preparations, Elmer was doubled up in Section 8, reading a sterilized78 Magazine from Boston. Subconsciously79 he counted the peaceful Days that would ensue.
He figured on going back to the dear old Room under the Eaves, with a patch-work Quilt on the Four-Poster and a Steel Engraving80 of U. S. Grant on the Wall.
Having devoted81 many Days to the Annual Report of the Purity Brigade, he was due to turn in at 9 o'clock each evening, while recuperating82 in the Country.
The sanctified Product of the new and regenerative Influences at work in every City was plunked down in the Hot-bed of Gaiety at about 4 P. M..
The Comrades of his Boyhood were massed on the Platform. As he alighted, they sang, "Hail! Hail! the gang's All Here!" and so on and so on.
They had acquired a Running Start. It was their belief that Elmer would be gratified to know that all the Elect had become slightly spiffed in his Honor.
They sent his Stuff up to the House, crowded Two-Weeks' Cards into his
Pockets, and bore him away in a Town Car to the Club, where Relays were
waiting to extend Hospitality to the returned Exile until he was
Plastered.
They seemed to think he had devoted the years of his Absence to building up a Thirst.
Their Dismay was genuine when he timidly informed the Irrigation
Committee that he desired Vichy.
They told him he was a Celluloid Sport and that his refusal to Libate was little short of an Affront83.
Escaping from the Comanches, he hurried to the Old Homestead to sit by the Grate Fire and tease the Cat.
He found Pa and Ma dolled up like a couple of aristocratic Equines, much Awning84 over the Front Stoop, and strange Waiters hot-footing through the Hallways.
In order to make it seem as much like the City as possible, they had ribbed up a swell85 combination Gorge86 and Deluge87, to be followed by an Indoor Circus, a Carnival88 of Terpsichorean89 Eccentricities90, and a correct Reproduction of Monte Carlo at the height of the Season.
Therefore, when their Only Child suggested that he would fain hie to the Husks at a Reasonable Hour, they told him that Slumber91 was made for Slaves and to take his Feet out of his Lap and move around.
Having led a sheltered Life among the devotees of Jane Addams and Jacob Riis, he was dazed and horrified to find himself suddenly subjected to the demoralizing Influences of the Small Town.
They scoffed92 at him when he said that his regular twilight93 Repast was a saucer of granose Flakes94, a mere21 sliver95 of White Meat, and some diluted96 Milk.
His home was near the White Light District, and they just knew that he was accustomed to bathe in the Bubbles.
He had read about such things in the reports of the Commission, but this was the first time that he had ever really been Slumming.
When he weakened on the Bumper98 Proposition and disavowed any familiarity with the Texas Tommy spasm99 or the fine points of Auction100, the sophisticated ones exchanged significant Glances.
They tumbled to the Fact that Elmer was not such a much, even if he did reside at Headquarters. It was evident that he had not been travelling with the Real Razmataz Rompers.
He was panned to a Whisper next day. The Verdict was in. Elmer was branded a Dead One.
He is now in the crowded City, trying to arrange to have his rowdy
Parents come in and take the Cure.
MORAL: Those having the most Time to devote to a Line of Endeavor usually become the most Proficient101.
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1
yokel
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| n.乡下人；农夫 | |
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partnership
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| n.合作关系，伙伴关系 | |
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calculus
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| n.微积分；结石 | |
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slant
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| v.倾斜，倾向性地编写或报道；n.斜面，倾向 | |
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vista
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| n.远景，深景，展望，回想 | |
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statistical
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| adj.统计的，统计学的 | |
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census
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| n.(官方的)人口调查，人口普查 | |
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lore
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| n.传说；学问，经验，知识 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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soliciting
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| v.恳求( solicit的现在分词 )；（指娼妇）拉客；索求；征求 | |
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everlasting
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| adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的 | |
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hoisted
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| 把…吊起，升起( hoist的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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depot
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| n.仓库，储藏处；公共汽车站；火车站 | |
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trot
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| n.疾走，慢跑；n.老太婆；现成译本；(复数）trots:腹泻（与the 连用）；v.小跑，快步走，赶紧 | |
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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16
beckoned
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| v.（用头或手的动作）示意，召唤( beckon的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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recess
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| n.短期休息，壁凹（墙上装架子，柜子等凹处） | |
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pals
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| n.朋友( pal的名词复数 )；老兄；小子；（对男子的不友好的称呼）家伙 | |
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19
bunked
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| v.（车、船等倚壁而设的）铺位( bunk的过去式和过去分词 )；空话，废话 | |
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champagne
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| n.香槟酒；微黄色 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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civic
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| adj.城市的，都市的，市民的，公民的 | |
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underneath
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| adj.在...下面，在...底下；adv.在下面 | |
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24
bacchanalian
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| adj.闹酒狂饮的；n.发酒疯的人 | |
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25
bazaars
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| （东方国家的）市场( bazaar的名词复数 )； 义卖； 义卖市场； （出售花哨商品等的）小商品市场 | |
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26
pitfalls
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| （捕猎野兽用的）陷阱( pitfall的名词复数 )； 意想不到的困难，易犯的错误 | |
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triumphant
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| adj.胜利的，成功的；狂欢的，喜悦的 | |
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alley
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| n.小巷，胡同；小径，小路 | |
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federation
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| n.同盟，联邦，联合，联盟，联合会 | |
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gab
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| v.空谈，唠叨，瞎扯；n.饶舌，多嘴，爱说话 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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syllable
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| n.音节；vt.分音节 | |
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perk
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| n.额外津贴；赏钱；小费； | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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pitcher
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| n.(有嘴和柄的)大水罐；(棒球)投手 | |
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enjoyments
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| 愉快( enjoyment的名词复数 )； 令人愉快的事物； 享有； 享受 | |
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lobster
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| n.龙虾，龙虾肉 | |
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saccharine
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| adj.奉承的，讨好的 | |
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extemporaneous
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| adj.即席的，一时的 | |
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thither
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| adv.向那里；adj.在那边的，对岸的 | |
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permeated
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| 弥漫( permeate的过去式和过去分词 )； 遍布； 渗入； 渗透 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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discomfiture
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| n.崩溃；大败；挫败；困惑 | |
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gnat
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| v.对小事斤斤计较，琐事 | |
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spotted
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| adj.有斑点的，斑纹的，弄污了的 | |
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metropolis
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| n.首府；大城市 | |
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gateway
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| n.大门口，出入口，途径，方法 | |
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atlas
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| n.地图册，图表集 | |
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lugs
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| 钎柄 | |
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license
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| n.执照，许可证，特许；v.许可，特许 | |
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plaza
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| n.广场，市场 | |
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poker
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| n.扑克；vt.烙制 | |
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bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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scotch
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| n.伤口，刻痕；苏格兰威士忌酒；v.粉碎，消灭，阻止；adj.苏格兰(人)的 | |
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locker
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| n.更衣箱，储物柜，冷藏室，上锁的人 | |
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choir
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| n.唱诗班，唱诗班的席位，合唱团，舞蹈团；v.合唱 | |
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demon
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| n.魔鬼，恶魔 | |
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engraved
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| v.在（硬物）上雕刻（字，画等）( engrave的过去式和过去分词 )；将某事物深深印在（记忆或头脑中） | |
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consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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epidemic
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| n.流行病；盛行；adj.流行性的，流传极广的 | |
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glide
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| n./v.溜，滑行；(时间)消逝 | |
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awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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improper
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| adj.不适当的，不合适的，不正确的，不合礼仪的 | |
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tuxedos
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| n.餐服，无尾晚礼服( tuxedo的名词复数 ) | |
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stationary
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| adj.固定的，静止不动的 | |
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puff
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| n.一口(气)；一阵(风)；v.喷气，喘气 | |
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horrified
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| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
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bridles
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| 约束( bridle的名词复数 )； 限动器； 马笼头； 系带 | |
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hacks
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| 黑客 | |
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elite
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| n.精英阶层；实力集团；adj.杰出的，卓越的 | |
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spikes
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| n.穗( spike的名词复数 )；跑鞋；（防滑）鞋钉；尖状物v.加烈酒于( spike的第三人称单数 )；偷偷地给某人的饮料加入（更多）酒精（ 或药物）；把尖状物钉入；打乱某人的计划 | |
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provocation
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| n.激怒，刺激，挑拨，挑衅的事物，激怒的原因 | |
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remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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banish
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| vt.放逐，驱逐；消除，排除 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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provincials
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| n.首都以外的人，地区居民( provincial的名词复数 ) | |
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sterilized
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| v.消毒( sterilize的过去式和过去分词 )；使无菌；使失去生育能力；使绝育 | |
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subconsciously
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| ad.下意识地，潜意识地 | |
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engraving
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| n.版画；雕刻（作品）；雕刻艺术；镌版术v.在（硬物）上雕刻（字，画等）( engrave的现在分词 )；将某事物深深印在（记忆或头脑中） | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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recuperating
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| v.恢复（健康、体力等），复原( recuperate的现在分词 ) | |
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affront
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| n./v.侮辱，触怒 | |
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awning
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| n.遮阳篷；雨篷 | |
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85
swell
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| vi.膨胀，肿胀；增长，增强 | |
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86
gorge
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| n.咽喉，胃，暴食，山峡；v.塞饱，狼吞虎咽地吃 | |
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deluge
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| n./vt.洪水，暴雨，使泛滥 | |
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carnival
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| n.嘉年华会，狂欢，狂欢节，巡回表演 | |
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terpsichorean
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| adj.舞蹈的；n.舞蹈家 | |
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eccentricities
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| n.古怪行为( eccentricity的名词复数 )；反常；怪癖 | |
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slumber
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| n.睡眠，沉睡状态 | |
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scoffed
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| 嘲笑，嘲弄( scoff的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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flakes
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| 小薄片( flake的名词复数 )； （尤指）碎片； 雪花； 古怪的人 | |
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sliver
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| n.裂片，细片，梳毛；v.纵切，切成长片，剖开 | |
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diluted
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| 无力的，冲淡的 | |
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rustics
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| n.有农村或村民特色的( rustic的名词复数 )；粗野的；不雅的；用粗糙的木材或树枝制作的 | |
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bumper
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| n.(汽车上的)保险杠；adj.特大的，丰盛的 | |
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spasm
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| n.痉挛，抽搐；一阵发作 | |
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auction
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| n.拍卖；拍卖会；vt.拍卖 | |
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proficient
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| adj.熟练的，精通的；n.能手，专家 | |
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