Mr. Pallzey feared Socialism and carried his Wife's Picture in his Watch and wore Plasters. In other words, he was Normal, believing nearly everything that appeared in the Papers.
While the Dog-Fennel was softly brushing the Foot-Board and the Motor was purring consistently beneath, Mr. Pallzey looked over into a close- cropped Pasture and became the alert Eye-Witness of some very weird4 Doings.
He saw a pop-eyed Person in soiled Neglige, who made threatening movements toward something concealed5 in the White Clover, with a Weapon resembling the iron Dingus used in gouging6 the Clinkers from a Furnace.
"What is the plot of the Piece?" he inquired of a Grand Army man, sitting next.
Golluf," giving the word the Terre Haute pronunciation.
Mr. Pallzey looked with pity on the poor Nut who was out in the Hot
He said to G. A. R. that it took all kinds of People to make a World. The grizzled Warrior11 rose to an equal Altitude by remarking that if the dag-goned Loon12 had to do it for a Living, he'd think it was Work. Mr. Pallzey had heard of the new Diversion for the Idle Rich, just as people out in the Country hear of Milk-Sickness or falling Meteors, both well authenticated13 but never encountered.
While rummaging14 through the Sporting Page, he would come across a cryptic15 Reference to MacFearson of Drumtochtie being 3 up and 2 to play on Hargis of Sunset Ho, whereupon he would experience a sense of annoyance16 and do a quick Hurdle17.
He had seen in various Shop-Windows the spindly Utensils18 and snowy Pellets which, he had reason to believe, were affiliated19 in some way with the sickening Fad21. He would look at them with extreme Contempt and rather resent their contaminating contiguity22 to the Mask, the Shin- Guard, and the upholstered Grabber.
Mr. Pallzey believed that Golf was played by the kind of White Rabbits who March in Suffrage23 Parades, wearing Gloves.
The dreaded24 Thing lay outside of his Orbit and beyond his Ken20, the same as Tatting or Biology. His conception of a keen and sporty game was Pin Pool or Jacks25 Only with the Deuce running wild.
One Saturday he was invited out to a Food Saturnalia at a Country Place. The Dinner was postponed26 until late in the Day because they all dreaded it so much.
Friend Host said he had a twosome on at the Club and was trying out an imported Cleek, so he invited Mr. Pallzey to be a Spectator.
If he had said that he was going up in a Balloon to hemstitch a couple of Clouds, it would have sounded just as plausible27 to Mr. Pallzey of the Wholesale28 District.
The latter went along, just out of Politeness, but he was a good deal disappointed in his Friend. It certainly did seem trifling29 for a Huskie weighing one hundred and eighty to pick on something about the size of a Robin's Egg.
Mr. Pallzey played Gallery all around the Course. He would stand behind them at the Tee and smile in a most calm and superior Manner while they sand-shuffled and shifted and jiggled and joggled and went through the whole calisthenic Ritual of St. Vitus.
He was surprised to note how far the Ball would speed when properly spanked30, but he thought there was no valid31 excuse for overrunning on the Approaches.
Mr. Pallzey found himself criticizing the Form of the Players. That should have been his Cue to climb the Fence.
Back on the sloping Sward between No. 18 and the Life-Saving Station, the two Contestants33 were holding the usual Post-Mortem.
"Let me see that Dewflicker a minute," said Mr. Pallzey, as he carelessly extracted a Mid-iron.
He sauntered up to the silly Globule and took an unpremeditated Swipe. The Stroke rang sweet and vibrant34. The ball rose in parabolic Splendor35 above the highest branches of a venerable Elm.
Just as the Face of the Club started on the Follow Through, the
Bacillus ran up and bit Mr. Pallzey on the Leg.
He saw the blinking White Spot far out on the emerald Plain. He heard the murmur36 of Admiration37 behind him. He was sorry his Wife had not been there to take it in.
"Leave me have another Ball," requested Mr. Pallzey.
The Virus was working.
He backed up so as to get a Running Start.
"This time," quoth Mr. Pallzey, "I will push it to Milwaukee."
Missing the Object of Attack by a scant38 six inches, he did a Genee toe- spin and fell heavily with his Face among the Dandelions.
The Host brushed him off and said: "Your Stance was wrong; your Tee was too high; you raised the Left Shoulder; you were too rapid on the Come-Back; the Grip was all in the Left Hand; you looked up; you moved your Head at the top of the Stroke; you allowed the Left Knee to turn, and you stood ahead of the Ball. Otherwise, it was a Loo-Loo."
"If I come out next Sunday could you borrow me a Kit39 of Tools?" asked Mr. Pallzey. He was twitching40 violently and looking at the Ball as if it had called him a Name. "I got that first one all right, and I think ——"
So it was arranged that the poor doomed41 Creature was to appear on the following Sabbath and be equipped with a set of Cast-Offs and learn all about the Mystery of the Ages between 11 A. M. and 2 P. M..
Mr. Pallzey went away not knowing that he was a Marked Man.
On Monday he told the Stenographer42 how he stung the Ball the first time up. He said he was naturally quick at picking up any kind of Game. He thought it would be a Lark43 to get the hang of the Whole Business and then get after some of those Berties in the White Pants. He figured that Golf would be soft for any one who had played Baseball when young. Truly all the raving44 is not done within the Padded Cells.
He came home in the Sabbath Twilight45, walking on his Ankles and babbling46 about a Dandy Drive for the Long Hole.
Regarding the other 378 Strokes he was discreetly47 silent.
He told his Wife there was more in it than one would suppose. The Easier the Swat, the greater the Carry. And he had made one Hole in seven.
Then he took a Parasol out of the Jar, and illustrated48 the famous Long Drive with Moving Pictures, Tableaux49, Delsarte, and some newly acquired technical Drivel, which he mouthed with childish Delight.
Now we see him buying Clubs, although he refers to them as Sticks— proving that he is still a groping Neophyte50.
He thinks that a shorter Shaft51 and more of a Lay-Back will enable him to drive a Mile. The Gooseneck Putter will save him two on every Hole. Also, will the Man please show him an Iron guaranteed to reach all the way down to the Dimple and plunk it right in the Eye.
Then all of the new Implements52 laid out at Home and Wife sitting back, listening to a Lecture as to what will be pulled off on the succeeding Day of Rest.
She had promised at the Altar to Love, Honor, and Listen. Still, it was trying to see the once-loved Adult cavorting53 on the verge54 of Dementia and know that she was helpless.
It seems that at the sixth hole on the Last Round where you cross the Crick twice, he fell down and broke both Arms and both Legs. So he tore up the Medal Score, gave all the Clubs to the Caddy, and standing57 on the grassy58 Summit of the tall Ridge59 guarding the Bunker, he had lifted a grimy Paw and uttered the Vow60 of Renunciation.
In other words, he was Through.
The senile Wrecks61 and the prattling62 Juveniles63, for whom the Game was invented, could have his Part of it for all time.
Never again would he walk on the Grass or cock his Arms or dribble64 Sand all over the dark and trampled65 Ground where countless66 Good Men had suffered.
No, Indeed!
So next day he bought all the Paraphernalia67 known to the Trade, and his name was put up at a Club.
It was one of those regular and sure-enough Clubs. High East Winds prevailed in the Locker-Room. Every member was a Chick Evans when he got back to the nineteenth hole.
Mr. Pallzey now began to regard the Ancient and Honorable Pastime as a compendium68 of Sacraments, Ordeals69, Incantations, and Ceremonial Formalities.
He resigned himself into the Custody70 of a professional Laddie with large staring Knuckles71 and a Dialect that dimmed all the memories of Lauder.
In a short time the Form was classy, but the Score had to be taken out and buried after every Round.
Mr. Pallzey saw that this Mundane72 Existence was not all Pleasure. He had found his Life-Work. The Lode-Star of his declining Years would be an even one hundred for the eighteen Flags.
Wife would see him out in the Street, feeling his way along, totally unmindful of his Whereabouts. She would lead him into the Shade, snap her Fingers, call his Name, and gradually pull him out of the Trance. He would look at her with a filmy Gaze and smile faintly, as if partly remembering and then say: "Don't forget to follow through. Keep the head down—tight with the left—no hunching—pivot on the hips73. For a Cuppy Lie, take the Nib74. If running up with the Jigger, drop her dead. The full St. Andrews should not be thrown into a Putt. Never up, never in. Lift the flag. Take a pickout from Casual Water but play the Road-ways. To overcome Slicing or Pulling, advance the right or left Foot. Schlaffing and Socketing75 may be avoided by adding a hook with top-spin or vice76 versa. The Man says there are twenty-six Things to be remembered in Driving from the Tee. One is Stance. I forget the other twenty-five."
Then the Partner of his Joys and Sorrows, with the accent on the Debit77 Side, would shoot twenty Grains of Asperin into him and plant him in the Flax.
Next morning at Breakfast he would break it to her that the Brassie had developed too much of a Whip and he had decided78 to try a forty-inch Shaft.
Fair Green for Dinner.
As a matter of course they had to give up their comfortable Home among the Friends who had got used to them and move out to a strawboard Bungalow80 so as to be near the Execution Grounds.
Mrs. Pallzey wanted to do the White Mountains, but Mr. Pallzey needed her. He wanted her to be waiting on the Veranda81 at Dusk, so that he could tell her all about it, from the preliminary Address to the final Foozle.
Sometimes he would come home enveloped82 in a foglike Silence which would last beyond early Candle Lighting83, when he would express the Opinion that the Administration at Washington had proved a Failure.
Perhaps the very next Evening he would lope all the way up the Gravel84 and breeze into her presence, smelling like a warm gust85 of Air from Dundee.
He would ask her to throw an Amber86 Light on the Big Hero. He would call her "Kid" and say that Vardon had nothing on him. Her man was the Gink to show that Pill how to take a Joke.
Then she would know that he had won a Box of Balls from Mrs. Talbot's poor old crippled Father-in-Law.
She could read him like a Barometer87. If he and Mr. Hilgus, the Real Estate Man, came home together fifteen feet apart, she would know it had been a Jolly Day on the Links.
By the second summer, Mr. Pallzey had worked up until he was allowed to use a Shower Bath once hallowed by the presence of Jerome Travers.
He was not exactly a Duffer. He was what might be called a sub-Duffer, or Varnish88, which means that the Committee was ashamed to mark up the Handicap.
He still had a good many superfluous89 Hands and Feet and was bleeding freely on every Green.
Sometimes he would last as far as the Water-Hazard and then sink with a
Bubbling Cry.
Notwithstanding which, he kept on trying to look like the Photographs of Ouimet.
If he spun90 into the High Spinach91 off at the Right it was Tough Luck. If he whanged away with a Niblick down in a bottomless Pit, caromed on a couple of Oaks, and finally angled off toward the Cup, he would go around for Days talking about Some Shot.
As his Ambition increased, his Mental Arithmetic became more and more defective92 and his Moral Nature was wholly atrophied93.
Matchmaker he was a Hum-Dinger.
He knew he was plain pastry95 for the Sharks, so he would hang around the first Tee waiting to cop out a Pudding.
One day he took on Mrs. Olmstead's Infant Son, just home from Military
School.
The tender Cadet nursed him along to an even-up at the Punch-Bowl and then proceeded to smear96 his vital Organs all over the Bad Lands.
That evening Mr. Pallzey told her she would have to cut down on
Household Expenses.
Six years after he gave up the Business Career and consecrated97 himself to something more Important, Mr. Pallzey had so well mastered the baffling Intricacies that he was allowed to trail in a Foursome with the President of the Club. This happened once.
It is well known that any Person who mooches around a Country Club for a sufficient Period will have some kind of a Cup wished on to him. Fourteen years after Mr. Pallzey threw himself into it, Heart and Soul, and when the Expenses approximated $30,000, he earned his Halo.
One evening he came back to his haggard Companion, chortling infant- wise, and displayed something which looked like an Eye-Cup with Handles on it.
He said it was a Trophy98. It was a Consolation99 Offering for Maidens100 with an allowance of more than eighteen.
After that their daily Life revolved101 around the $2 bargain in Britannia. Mrs. Pallzey had to use Metal Polish on it to keep it from turning black.
When the Visitors lined up in front of the Mantel and gazed at the tiny Shaving Mug, the Cellar Champion on the World would regale102 them with the story of hairbreadth 'Scapes and moving Adventures by Gravel Gullies and rushing Streams on the Memorable103 Day when he (Pallzey) had put the Blocks to Old Man McLaughlin, since deceased.
Then he would ask all present to feel of his Forearm, after which he would pull the Favorite One about Golf adding ten years to his life.
Mrs. Pallzey would be sitting back, pouring Tea, but she never chimed in with any Estimate as to what had been the effect on her Table of Expectations.
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1
neatly
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| adv.整洁地，干净地，灵巧地，熟练地 | |
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suburban
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| adj.城郊的，在郊区的 | |
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trolley
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| n.手推车，台车；无轨电车；有轨电车 | |
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weird
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| adj.古怪的，离奇的；怪诞的，神秘而可怕的 | |
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concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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6
gouging
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| n.刨削[槽]v.凿( gouge的现在分词 )；乱要价；（在…中）抠出…；挖出… | |
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killing
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| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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conversational
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| adj.对话的，会话的 | |
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lathered
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| v.（指肥皂）形成泡沫( lather的过去式和过去分词 )；用皂沫覆盖；狠狠地打 | |
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11
warrior
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| n.勇士，武士，斗士 | |
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loon
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| n.狂人 | |
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13
authenticated
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| v.证明是真实的、可靠的或有效的( authenticate的过去式和过去分词 )；鉴定，使生效 | |
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14
rummaging
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| 翻找，搜寻( rummage的现在分词 )； 海关检查 | |
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15
cryptic
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| adj.秘密的，神秘的，含义模糊的 | |
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annoyance
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| n.恼怒，生气，烦恼 | |
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17
hurdle
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| n.跳栏，栏架；障碍，困难；vi.进行跨栏赛 | |
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18
utensils
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| 器具，用具，器皿( utensil的名词复数 )； 器物 | |
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19
affiliated
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| adj. 附属的, 有关连的 | |
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ken
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| n.视野，知识领域 | |
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21
fad
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| n.时尚；一时流行的狂热；一时的爱好 | |
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contiguity
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| n.邻近，接壤 | |
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23
suffrage
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| n.投票，选举权，参政权 | |
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24
dreaded
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| adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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25
jacks
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| n.抓子游戏；千斤顶( jack的名词复数 )；（电）插孔；[电子学]插座；放弃 | |
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26
postponed
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| vt.& vi.延期，缓办，（使）延迟vt.把…放在次要地位；[语]把…放在后面（或句尾）vi.（疟疾等）延缓发作（或复发） | |
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27
plausible
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| adj.似真实的，似乎有理的，似乎可信的 | |
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wholesale
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| n.批发；adv.以批发方式；vt.批发，成批出售 | |
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trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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spanked
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| v.用手掌打( spank的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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31
valid
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| adj.有确实根据的；有效的；正当的，合法的 | |
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bogey
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| n.令人谈之变色之物；妖怪，幽灵 | |
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contestants
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| n.竞争者，参赛者( contestant的名词复数 ) | |
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vibrant
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| adj.震颤的，响亮的，充满活力的，精力充沛的，(色彩)鲜明的 | |
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35
splendor
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| n.光彩；壮丽，华丽；显赫，辉煌 | |
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36
murmur
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| n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言 | |
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37
admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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38
scant
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| adj.不充分的，不足的；v.减缩，限制，忽略 | |
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39
kit
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| n.用具包，成套工具；随身携带物 | |
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40
twitching
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| n.颤搐 | |
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41
doomed
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| 命定的 | |
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42
stenographer
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| n.速记员 | |
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43
lark
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| n.云雀，百灵鸟；n.嬉戏，玩笑；vi.嬉戏 | |
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44
raving
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| adj.说胡话的；疯狂的，怒吼的；非常漂亮的；令人醉心[痴心]的v.胡言乱语(rave的现在分词)n.胡话；疯话adv.胡言乱语地；疯狂地 | |
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45
twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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46
babbling
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| n.胡说，婴儿发出的咿哑声adj.胡说的v.喋喋不休( babble的现在分词 )；作潺潺声（如流水）；含糊不清地说话；泄漏秘密 | |
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47
discreetly
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| ad.(言行)审慎地，慎重地 | |
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48
illustrated
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| adj. 有插图的，列举的 动词illustrate的过去式和过去分词 | |
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49
tableaux
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| n.舞台造型，（由活人扮演的）静态画面、场面；人构成的画面或场景( tableau的名词复数 )；舞台造型；戏剧性的场面；绚丽的场景 | |
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50
neophyte
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| n.新信徒；开始者 | |
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51
shaft
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| n.(工具的)柄，杆状物 | |
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52
implements
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| n.工具( implement的名词复数 )；家具；手段；[法律]履行（契约等）v.实现( implement的第三人称单数 )；执行；贯彻；使生效 | |
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53
cavorting
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| v.跳跃( cavort的现在分词 ) | |
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54
verge
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| n.边，边缘；v.接近，濒临 | |
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55
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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56
turret
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| n.塔楼，角塔 | |
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57
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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58
grassy
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| adj.盖满草的；长满草的 | |
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59
ridge
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| n.山脊；鼻梁；分水岭 | |
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60
vow
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| n.誓(言)，誓约；v.起誓，立誓 | |
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61
wrecks
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| n.沉船( wreck的名词复数 )；（事故中）遭严重毁坏的汽车（或飞机等）；（身体或精神上）受到严重损伤的人；状况非常糟糕的车辆（或建筑物等）v.毁坏[毁灭]某物( wreck的第三人称单数 )；使（船舶）失事，使遇难，使下沉 | |
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62
prattling
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| v.（小孩般）天真无邪地说话( prattle的现在分词 )；发出连续而无意义的声音；闲扯；东拉西扯 | |
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63
juveniles
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| n.青少年( juvenile的名词复数 )；扮演少年角色的演员；未成年人 | |
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64
dribble
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| v.点滴留下，流口水；n.口水 | |
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trampled
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| 踩( trample的过去式和过去分词 )； 践踏； 无视； 侵犯 | |
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countless
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| adj.无数的，多得不计其数的 | |
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paraphernalia
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| n.装备；随身用品 | |
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compendium
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| n.简要，概略 | |
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ordeals
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| n.严峻的考验，苦难的经历( ordeal的名词复数 ) | |
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custody
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| n.监护，照看，羁押，拘留 | |
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knuckles
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| n.（指人）指关节( knuckle的名词复数 )；（指动物）膝关节，踝v.（指人）指关节( knuckle的第三人称单数 )；（指动物）膝关节，踝 | |
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mundane
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| adj.平凡的；尘世的；宇宙的 | |
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hips
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| abbr.high impact polystyrene 高冲击强度聚苯乙烯，耐冲性聚苯乙烯n.臀部( hip的名词复数 )；[建筑学]屋脊；臀围（尺寸）；臀部…的 | |
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nib
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| n.钢笔尖；尖头 | |
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socketing
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| v.套接字，使应用程序能够读写与收发通讯协定(protocol)与资料的程序( Socket的现在分词 )；把…装入托座（或插座），给…装上托座（或插座）( socket的现在分词 )；[高尔夫球]用棒头承口部位击（球） | |
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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debit
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| n.借方，借项，记人借方的款项 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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luncheon
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| n.午宴，午餐，便宴 | |
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bungalow
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| n.平房，周围有阳台的木造小平房 | |
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veranda
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| n.走廊；阳台 | |
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enveloped
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| v.包围，笼罩，包住( envelop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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lighting
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| n.照明，光线的明暗，舞台灯光 | |
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gravel
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| n.砂跞；砂砾层；结石 | |
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gust
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| n.阵风，突然一阵（雨、烟等），（感情的）迸发 | |
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amber
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| n.琥珀；琥珀色；adj.琥珀制的 | |
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barometer
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| n.气压表，睛雨表，反应指标 | |
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varnish
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| n.清漆；v.上清漆；粉饰 | |
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superfluous
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| adj.过多的，过剩的，多余的 | |
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spun
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| v.纺，杜撰，急转身 | |
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spinach
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| n.菠菜 | |
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defective
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| adj.有毛病的，有问题的，有瑕疵的 | |
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atrophied
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| adj.萎缩的，衰退的v.（使）萎缩，（使）虚脱，（使）衰退( atrophy的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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exponent
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| n.倡导者，拥护者；代表人物；指数，幂 | |
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pastry
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| n.油酥面团，酥皮糕点 | |
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smear
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| v.涂抹；诽谤，玷污；n.污点；诽谤，污蔑 | |
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consecrated
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| adj.神圣的，被视为神圣的v.把…奉为神圣，给…祝圣( consecrate的过去式和过去分词 )；奉献 | |
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trophy
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| n.优胜旗，奖品，奖杯，战胜品，纪念品 | |
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consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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maidens
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| 处女( maiden的名词复数 )； 少女； 未婚女子； （板球运动）未得分的一轮投球 | |
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101
revolved
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| v.（使）旋转( revolve的过去式和过去分词 )；细想 | |
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regale
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| v.取悦，款待 | |
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memorable
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| adj.值得回忆的，难忘的，特别的，显著的 | |
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awning
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| n.遮阳篷；雨篷 | |
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