It was only when I had got back on to Swiss territory that I thought of the risk I had run of being arrested as a deserter.
I had cut through the woods. Dead branches cracked under my feet. I crushed a glow worm. At last I made out the hotel lights. My heart bounded when I reached it, I don't know what I expected.
There was nobody in the corner of the terrace where we generally gossiped, the Landrys and I. I bowed to the old Portuguese2 ladies who were enjoying the evening air. From the hall I saw the English installed phlegmatically3 at their poker4 table in the smoking-room. A solemn and inscrutable waiter passed me, carrying a tea tray. Nothing abnormal struck me. I wondered whether they knew.
I went down on to the terrace again. A silhouette5 rose from the shadows. By the light of his cigar, I recognised Cipollina.
"Well!" he called to me, "what do you say to that?"
[Pg 32]
"I can't believe it yet!"
He offered me a cigarette, and said quickly:
"Shall we take a turn?"
I was going to agree to doing so when I suddenly thought of my preparations; and I was seized with the vain idea of guarding against future fatigue7.
"Thanks," I said, "I've got my packing to do. What about you?"
I understood him to say he had finished. I continued:
"Are you going by my train?"
"What train?"
"The 6:50, if it still exists. The Paris Express."
He was silent.
"Are you going to rejoin soon?"
"Not I!"
I looked at him; I understood. He went on in an aggressive tone:
"You won't catch me going to be knocked on the head, when I've the luck to be out of it! And you, are you itching9 for it, Dreher?"
"Yes, I'm going back," I said.
"Well, well! And I thought you so emancipated10!" He went on ironically. He only had one skin, and he meant to stick to it; he hadn't the slightest desire to fight for Serbia, as I was saying just now.... No, it was astounding11! A nice mess our diplomatists must have made of it!... All the more so since, as we suspected nothing, we naturally were not ready! And so it meant catastrophe12!... We were going to get a licking!
[Pg 33]
He ended by taking me by the arm:
"Come along and have a smoke and then we can chat."
"No," I said decidedly. "I'm going up again."
"In that case, my dear fellow, good-bye."
"Au revoir."
"Oh! there's not much chance of our ever meeting again!"
Was it the effect of these banal13 remarks? Hardly had I regained14 my room and gone to lean my elbows on the rail of the balcony than I felt as if crushed by the revelation I had witnessed during the last three hours.
A formidable adventure was in the making and my part as a finite being was to consider it as a spectator. The things I was saying just now, without attaching any definite meaning to them appeared to me clothed suddenly in their imperious significance: Yes, in three days I should be at F——, in four my rifle and my outfit15 would have been handed over to me, shortly afterwards I should be entrained.... Here the vision lost its clearness; only a few concise16 pictures rose from a sombre haze17: marches and counter marches, the bleeding feet, the exhaustion18, the cold, the filthy19 promiscuousness20, nothing to eat; and then one day the battle; not an entertaining engagement like those during man?uvres, interrupted towards 11 A.M. by the bugle21 call, but the grim struggle, glued to the ground advancing foot by foot, day after day and night after night, against an invisible opponent, desperate, superior in discipline and in numbers, armed with frightful22 machines ... the whistle of the bullet, the explosion of the shells ...! And one morning, in some hole or corner, an obscure and crushing death.
[Pg 34]
Presentiments23 were unknown to me: I suddenly believed in them. I saw myself killed, it was all over and done with my career as a man, this life I had been pleased to order so ingenuously24. The horror of the annihilation so near at hand suffocated25 me.
I breathed the scented26 night air like a drowning man. At my feet was the dark terrace, a servant had just cut off the electricity. I heard the gravel27 crunching28 beneath a footstep. A shadow ascended29 the steps. It must be Cipollina.
His words echoed in my ears, his "Not much!" I was suddenly seized with fury against him—the coward!—a fury which was almost immediately turned against myself. Was it not his conduct that was logical. He refused to sacrifice himself. He coldly applied30 his Doctrine31, our Doctrine, of calm selfishness. I fumed32 to see this shopkeeper, this table d'h?te philosopher, superior in practical wisdom to myself, when I had ruminated33 my system for so long, and looked at it from every point of view.
Why did I not imitate him? I upbraided34 myself harshly on my lack of rational courage. For since I was the enemy of sentimental35 chimeras36!... What could I believe in? Nothing, nothing! Duty, Honour, the Ideal? They were so many hollow sounds to me. Patriotism37? No word was more foreign to me. I too was a Citizen of the World! The chauvinism of my father, a native of Lorraine, and an old soldier, seemed to me out-of-date, an ill-omened and ridiculous passion; in that, as in everything else, I was so little his son. As far back as I could remember, I had never espoused38 his craze for war and revenge. In former days when we used to spend our holidays at Eberménil, some miles from the frontier, nothing irritated me so much[Pg 35] when quite a child, as to feel how immovable the people were in their wild enmity against their neighbour. They never opened their mouths without making insolent39 or dangerous remarks; they never dreamt, it appeared, except of bringing back a cursed year. Why this rancour? As if it ought not to have satisfied them to continue to be Frenchmen themselves? What did it matter to them that their brothers from the neighbouring villages should have changed their name. Were the former more unhappy than the latter? My handbooks of history were full of exchanges of this kind, carried out without any one rebelling against them.
Grown older, I had only strengthened, by reasoning, my instinctive40 indifference41 in regard to the fate of the Lost Provinces. I had gone one better; what a high doctrine, I thought, was that of Internationalism! And convenient, too. I should have declared myself its adherent42 quite openly, but for my systematic43 slackness, my fear of committing myself. The result was that I took an interest in those theories which denied that there was any meaning in the term Fatherland.
I happened to find in them the subject for some daring developments, with which during even the last few days, I had taken a delight in upsetting Jeannine Landry's convictions.
Germany, especially, inspired me with no enmity; on the contrary, I had a weakness for the genius of her philosophers and musicians. Two years ago I had travelled in the country, and had stayed at Iéna for three weeks with one of my friends, a lecturer at the university. We had wandered together in the Thuringian forests, and slept, rolled in our cloaks, at the top of the Schnee-Kopf. How could one fail to be won[Pg 36] over by those glorious surroundings. As for the men over there ... I had pleasant recollections of a few merry shooting friends, one named Kroemer among others. If they had not appealed to me as a whole, did any one by any chance imagine that I cherished the slightest sympathy for the millions of beings—ugly, vain, and unintelligent—who made up the great majority of the nation which was mine by birth. In Paris it was true that, within a restricted circle, I experienced certain satisfactions which I should hardly have relished44 anywhere else. But, when finally analysed, even these delights did not amount to very much! They comprised the one real benefit which I owed to my position as a Frenchman. In order to assure the continuation of this advantage—and what, after all, did it amount to—it was agreed that I should sacrifice my one irretrievable treasure, my life.
You can see with what a decision I seemed to be faced, but oddly enough my revolt continued to be purely45 theoretical and abstract. Not for an instant did it seem to me possible or within my power to take the line simply of ignoring the fact that my country was mobilising. I saw myself as the conscious victim of a superior fatality46; I knew that I should take the 6:50 train next day, that I should be at the Chanzy barracks before ten o'clock on Tuesday!
But that did not prevent me from cursing at fate. Tired of grumbling47 at myself, I consigned48 to perdition the instigators of the war. Spite blinded me; I kept on revolving49 most bitter, and I must admit, most unjust reflections. Yes, as Cipollina had said; what an accumulation of mistakes! For a long while back. It was all very well to say that Germany wanted war; was preparing for it! During the last few years per[Pg 37]haps. But had there not been a time when she had made advances to us? We had always refused to make friends, and had kept our eyes fixed50 stolidly51 on the Frankfort Treaty in which we pretended to see the one and only source of all our ills.
Our policy, of late, had become more captious52. There had been a series of clumsy manifestos, an awakening53, which one could not shut one's eyes to, of the old swashbuckling, nationalistic, and chauvinistic54 spirit. What countless55 occurrences, speeches, and articles had gone towards the making of a dangerous state of exaltation. Anything rather than a humiliating peace! Anything? That meant war. Oh well, they'd got it. They'd soon see!
What exasperated56 me more than anything was to think of all those who had done or allowed everything to be done, the ministers, ambassadors, and delegates who in history would bear a part, however insignificant57, in the terrible responsibility. They were all, or nearly all, over the age limit; they need have no fear for their skins; it was the others, me and men of my generation, the youth between twenty and thirty years of age, whom, with high-flown words and light hearts, they would send to the slaughter58!
But it was necessary to pack. I fulfilled this task with such mechanical precision that it calmed me. When I had finished I went out on to the balcony again in my shirt sleeves.
A crescent moon had just risen. A green mountain-side opposite me, at the other side of the cutting which terminated, I imagined, in the ravaged59 gorges60 of the Orbe, was bathed in her light. Vaguely61 phosphorescent fields lay soaked in a milky62 whiteness. Spreading[Pg 38] brown forests quivered softly. Half-way up fires were shining, the factory and station at Brassus. I admired the bold sweep and the contour of the Dent63 de Vaulion on the right. Farther on in the distance a series of mountain ridges64, forming a circle, were indicated, bluish and pale beneath the halo.
My brow was cooling again. In the contemplation of this veiled and unreal scene my thoughts insensibly freed themselves of sinister65 obsessions66.
What made me call to mind a very insignificant incident in this day fertile in shocks, that moment on the road when I had passed in review the joys for which I lived? The obscure feeling of distress67 which had made me stop talking recaptured me. I again experienced the sensation that everything was dismal68, but at the same time was there not something which might be called an unexpected hope rising within me? What hope? I caught it, and questioned it. Was it not of new days when I should perhaps shake myself free of the torpor69 where I languished70?
Halloa! I jeered71. Was I too lending a hand in the resurrection of the warlike instinct legitimate72 in the son of the soldier who was in the charge at Rez?nville, in the grandson of the man who had commanded a regiment73 at Magenta74? No, no: I acquitted75 myself of that; such wild intoxication76 was quite alien to me. The most I might admit was that my eyes were fixed on the future with a greater interest, that curiosity made my resignation easier.
I let my imagination run away with me. Turning successively towards the two horizons, I imagined I saw, beyond the mountains, the vastness of the two hostile territories where since to-night so many forces were being lavished77 in the elaboration of the battles[Pg 39] where they would devour78 each other to-morrow; a gigantic sheaf of hatred79 and lust80, but also of devotion and heroism81 which had just burst into flame!
Midnight struck. My exaltation dwindled82; at all events, I was not sorry, I thought, to have been equal to the emergency if only for a moment.
I went down to give the hall-porter orders to wake me at five o'clock, he was to have my bill ready, and I should expect a cab to be there for my luggage. In crossing the lounge I came upon the three Englishmen who were leaving the card-room. We had never exchanged a word, or a nod; I thought them ignorant of our language. I was going straight past them, when the one who was walking in front, a big, fair man, who looked an athlete in his smoking-jacket, stopped right in front of me.
"Good luck to your country, sir," he said.
"Thank you."
I mechanically held out my hand, which he shook hard.
His two companions did likewise.
I went upstairs again, feeling rather touched. Up there my scepticism got the upper hand again. I thought.
Will they stick to us, I wonder.
An amusing idea occurred to me, of sending a post-card to the little Landry girl to tell her of the incident. I took up a pen, but while doing so it struck me that the girl would not see anything very funny about it. Sentimentalise ... no thanks! I scrawled83 a few lines for her without mentioning the occurrence.
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1
serene
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| adj. 安详的，宁静的，平静的 | |
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Portuguese
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| n.葡萄牙人；葡萄牙语 | |
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phlegmatically
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poker
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| n.扑克；vt.烙制 | |
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5
silhouette
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| n.黑色半身侧面影，影子，轮廓；v.描绘成侧面影，照出影子来，仅仅显出轮廓 | |
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dominant
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| adj.支配的，统治的；占优势的；显性的；n.主因，要素，主要的人(或物)；显性基因 | |
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7
fatigue
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| n.疲劳，劳累 | |
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abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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itching
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| adj.贪得的，痒的，渴望的v.发痒( itch的现在分词 ) | |
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10
emancipated
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| adj.被解放的，不受约束的v.解放某人（尤指摆脱政治、法律或社会的束缚）( emancipate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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11
astounding
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| adj.使人震惊的vt.使震惊，使大吃一惊astound的现在分词) | |
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12
catastrophe
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| n.大灾难，大祸 | |
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banal
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| adj.陈腐的，平庸的 | |
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regained
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| 复得( regain的过去式和过去分词 )； 赢回； 重回； 复至某地 | |
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outfit
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| n.（为特殊用途的）全套装备，全套服装 | |
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16
concise
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| adj.简洁的，简明的 | |
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haze
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| n.霾，烟雾；懵懂，迷糊；vi.(over)变模糊 | |
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18
exhaustion
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| n.耗尽枯竭，疲惫，筋疲力尽，竭尽，详尽无遗的论述 | |
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19
filthy
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| adj.卑劣的；恶劣的，肮脏的 | |
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promiscuousness
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| n.promiscuous（混杂的，乱七八糟的，杂乱的）的变形 | |
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21
bugle
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| n.军号，号角，喇叭；v.吹号，吹号召集 | |
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22
frightful
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| adj.可怕的；讨厌的 | |
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23
presentiments
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| n.（对不祥事物的）预感( presentiment的名词复数 ) | |
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24
ingenuously
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| adv.率直地，正直地 | |
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25
suffocated
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| （使某人）窒息而死( suffocate的过去式和过去分词 )； （将某人）闷死； 让人感觉闷热； 憋气 | |
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26
scented
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| adj.有香味的；洒香水的；有气味的v.嗅到(scent的过去分词) | |
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27
gravel
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| n.砂跞；砂砾层；结石 | |
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28
crunching
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| v.嘎吱嘎吱地咬嚼( crunch的现在分词 )；嘎吱作响；（快速大量地）处理信息；数字捣弄 | |
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29
ascended
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| v.上升，攀登( ascend的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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30
applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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31
doctrine
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| n.教义；主义；学说 | |
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32
fumed
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| 愤怒( fume的过去式和过去分词 )； 大怒； 发怒； 冒烟 | |
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33
ruminated
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| v.沉思( ruminate的过去式和过去分词 )；反复考虑；反刍；倒嚼 | |
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34
upbraided
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| v.责备，申斥，谴责( upbraid的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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35
sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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36
chimeras
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| n.（由几种动物的各部分构成的）假想的怪兽( chimera的名词复数 )；不可能实现的想法；幻想；妄想 | |
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37
patriotism
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| n.爱国精神，爱国心，爱国主义 | |
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38
espoused
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| v.（决定）支持，拥护（目标、主张等）( espouse的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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39
insolent
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| adj.傲慢的，无理的 | |
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40
instinctive
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| adj.(出于)本能的；直觉的；(出于)天性的 | |
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41
indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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42
adherent
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| n.信徒，追随者，拥护者 | |
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43
systematic
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| adj.有系统的，有计划的，有方法的 | |
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44
relished
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| v.欣赏( relish的过去式和过去分词 )；从…获得乐趣；渴望 | |
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purely
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| adv.纯粹地，完全地 | |
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fatality
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| n.不幸，灾祸，天命 | |
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47
grumbling
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| adj. 喃喃鸣不平的, 出怨言的 | |
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48
consigned
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| v.把…置于（令人不快的境地）( consign的过去式和过去分词 )；把…托付给；把…托人代售；丟弃 | |
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49
revolving
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| adj.旋转的，轮转式的；循环的v.（使）旋转( revolve的现在分词 )；细想 | |
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50
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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51
stolidly
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| adv.迟钝地，神经麻木地 | |
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52
captious
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| adj.难讨好的，吹毛求疵的 | |
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53
awakening
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| n.觉醒，醒悟 adj.觉醒中的；唤醒的 | |
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54
chauvinistic
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| a.沙文主义(者)的 | |
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55
countless
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| adj.无数的，多得不计其数的 | |
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56
exasperated
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| adj.恼怒的 | |
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insignificant
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| adj.无关紧要的，可忽略的，无意义的 | |
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58
slaughter
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| n.屠杀，屠宰；vt.屠杀，宰杀 | |
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ravaged
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| 毁坏( ravage的过去式和过去分词 )； 蹂躏； 劫掠； 抢劫 | |
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gorges
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| n.山峡，峡谷( gorge的名词复数 )；咽喉v.（用食物把自己）塞饱，填饱( gorge的第三人称单数 )；作呕 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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62
milky
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| adj.牛奶的，多奶的；乳白色的 | |
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63
dent
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| n.凹痕，凹坑；初步进展 | |
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64
ridges
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| n.脊( ridge的名词复数 )；山脊；脊状突起；大气层的)高压脊 | |
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sinister
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| adj.不吉利的，凶恶的，左边的 | |
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obsessions
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| n.使人痴迷的人（或物）( obsession的名词复数 )；着魔；困扰 | |
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distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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68
dismal
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| adj.阴沉的，凄凉的，令人忧郁的，差劲的 | |
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69
torpor
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| n.迟钝；麻木；（动物的）冬眠 | |
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70
languished
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| 长期受苦( languish的过去式和过去分词 )； 受折磨； 变得（越来越）衰弱； 因渴望而变得憔悴或闷闷不乐 | |
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71
jeered
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| v.嘲笑( jeer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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72
legitimate
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| adj.合法的，合理的，合乎逻辑的；v.使合法 | |
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regiment
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| n.团，多数，管理；v.组织，编成团，统制 | |
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74
magenta
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| n..紫红色（的染料）；adj.紫红色的 | |
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75
acquitted
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| 宣判…无罪( acquit的过去式和过去分词 )； 使（自己）作出某种表现 | |
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76
intoxication
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| n.wild excitement;drunkenness；poisoning | |
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77
lavished
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| v.过分给予，滥施( lavish的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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78
devour
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| v.吞没；贪婪地注视或谛听，贪读；使着迷 | |
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79
hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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80
lust
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| n.性(淫)欲；渴(欲)望；vi.对…有强烈的欲望 | |
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81
heroism
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| n.大无畏精神，英勇 | |
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82
dwindled
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| v.逐渐变少或变小( dwindle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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83
scrawled
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| 乱涂，潦草地写( scrawl的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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