To what must I attribute the expansion of my strength of mind? I asked myself then, and have considered it since.
To the boon16, first of all, of being descended17 from that sturdy stock. I remembered the vitality18 my mother had always shown. Had she not nursed me at night during my long illnesses for three weeks at a time, without neglecting one of her duties during the day? And my father, and his behaviour from one end to the other of the preceding war! Taken prisoner once, wounded twice, he considered the armistice19 shamefully20 premature21 after six months of incessant22 fighting.
On searching my memory, I did not fail to find indication of the force latent in me, which had had no opportunity of increasing owing to the paltry23 conditions of my life as a young well-to-do bourgeois24. That Rugby semi-final for the inter-school championship, played between my college and the "Lilies of the Valley" from Bourdeaux. Our opponents, favoured by the wind and sun, had kept the game in our "twenty-five" nearly all the first half, and had scored four tries and two goals. That meant a beating for us; despair in our team. I can see myself at half-time, ceasing to suck my lemon in order to make a manly25 speech to my fourteen comrades. In the second half, we kicked off, got the play into their "twenty-five," and in our turn, scored two tries, the second of which was converted.[Pg 325] We could not have gained more satisfaction by beating them, than we did by avoiding a humiliating defeat.
Does the comparison make you smile?
But I belonged to a generation which had already profited by the proud lesson of sport. I had pursued all the most violent athletics26, less on rational than on passionate27 grounds, and for the delights of self-love which bear such a wonderful attraction for youthful hearts. I had run, boxed, and swum. I had been broken into the games where the individual learns to collaborate28 unselfishly with his partners. I bear witness to the nobility of that school. Without suspecting it I had gained a moral education there. One comes out tempered for any struggle, after having tried conclusions with rival energies over and over again in friendly meetings.
And even if I had gained nothing but the bodily benefit!
The play of my muscles and organs was free and healthy and unhampered. Well fed as we were, except on one or two occasions, I could have gone to the world's end. As I became hardened, I no longer got as tired as I had on the first days. I lay down to sleep, never mind where, and I slept. On waking up all I felt was a suspicion of stiffness, nothing more. The first advance! How often I was lucky enough to be able to give a helping29 hand to some man, by carrying his rifle or his load for him for an hour or two. My own pack sat lightly on me, seemed to have become part of me. I remember how distracted I was one day—I must have left it on the bank just now, I exclaimed, during the long halt...!
Guillaumin saw that I was not laughing, it was he[Pg 326] who exploded: My pack? It had been plastered on to my shoulders the whole blessed time!
There were many complaints during those weeks, about the delay in the postal31 service. With us—I can only state the fact—it worked adequately, no, admirably. I have described how the baggage-master caught us up, the day after "Spincourt." By some knack32, or lucky chance, we saw him arrive twice more during the week, trotting33 cheerily along behind his lean mare34. He was a good sort, and related his adventures, which others might have called feats14 of prowess. How many times had he just missed being killed, wounded, or taken prisoner! These were reliable accounts: his cart had been riddled35, and the splinter of a shell had pulverised one of his post-bags one day. Neither he nor his beast had ever been touched.
The second mail brought me a letter from my father. He knew at last; he had had official information. It was a grave and sorrowful missive. His affection and hope were centred entirely36 upon me, he assured me. In his manlike way of expressing himself, where there was not one unnecessary word, I discovered traces of an attachment37 which I had formerly38 refused to recognise.
And this added page—was from the poor little widow. After leaving St. Mihiel, which was threatened, she reached Paris just in time to be greeted by the abominable39 news. She was bearing up in the face of the terrible shock. I had dreaded40 collapse41 and prostration42 for her. And now no one could help admiring her, shining with resolute43 determination in[Pg 327] her affliction—two little children to bring up—the sense of her duties! How I should have liked to go to her and take her hands and say: "I mourn with you, my sister. If I live, dispose of me as you will!"
What a transport of delight I was thrown into by these appearances of the baggage-master. Jeannine, with divine consideration, had written to me again without waiting for my reply, which might be delayed, she said, by so many chances. In future she intended to write me a line almost every day. A line! That meant long, affectionate epistles. Two reached me at once, then three together, the second time.
With a modesty44 to which I mutely paid homage45, Jeannine avoided all allusions46 to the new state of affairs which had actually risen between us. But I read her passionate infatuation between the lines, in the burning contents of these letters. Scraps47 of them still float in my memory. She spoke48 of herself and of me, of my people and her people—our people. She touched lightly upon every subject, which at that time affected49 us like so many millions of our brothers. Did she not recall as if by chance various of those high problems which had formed the subject of our smiling discussions at Ballaigues—self-sacrifice, abnegation, disinterested50 attachment to such and such an idea or being? Did I deign51 now to bow before this sublime52 foolishness, she wondered? She did not insist upon it. She knew that she had easily carried her point. I developed our motives53 of inspiration, and returned them to her. They were all secretly contained—and she felt it, the sweet creature—in this one, we loved each other.
Love! I dared to look this prodigious54 word in the[Pg 328] face. The vision of promised joy kept me up. When once the war was over, the country saved,—in her eyes and in mine, everything else must give way to that—I pictured our reunion, our brief betrothal55, and the day, oh God, the day when we should kneel side by side—What could it matter whatever separated me from that time? Toil56 and suffering, the spilling of my blood, what was it all? A moderate advance when such wondrous57 radiance filled the horizon.
I had not given up my habit of analysis. An attitude of mind which stays with one, I believe, till death, when once adopted. I sometimes wondered at my youthful enthusiasm. Was I a captive? Caught up in the whirlwind? I who had thought myself safely in shelter. I asked myself whether this ardour were not partially58 fictitious59 or at all events ephemeral? How unlike me it was—I, who was so much imbued60 with the idea of my cold-bloodedness and stoicism—to become infatuated about this child, and that too when I was no longer in her presence, when I had been able to live beside her for weeks without being in the least perturbed61 or inflamed62. Such reflections drew me as the bushes on the river-bank draw an abandoned boat drifting with the current. It was only a brief fluctuation63. I gave one or two powerful strokes with the oars64, and regained65 the open river, where the rapid stream carried me away.
It was true, I admitted, that a month or two ago, when I had been face to face with her, I was incapable66 of love, or of any exalted67 feelings. But was I alive at that time? No. No. A secret affliction robbed my destiny of all true zest68. Let me revel69 to-day in the supreme70 instinct which was reviving in me! Was this instinct folly71? It was quite possible. Especially this[Pg 329] passion which had suddenly blossomed in such abnormal circumstances? But what was there more beautiful than a beautiful folly? If, after having been hurled72, by the brutality73 of circumstances, from my quietude into the sphere where the fate of primitive74 beings was under discussion—what more natural than that I should be born anew to their fire and rapture75. What delight there was in recurring76 to an artless frame of mind, what pride at the same time in retaining a certain elevation77 of thought. Love could no longer mean for me mere78 desire. I magnificently mingled79 metaphysical reveries with it. I flattered myself on having attained80 perfect poise—on being philosopher enough to give my fever an august flavour—man enough to quiver at it.
In my replies to Jeannine I was as reserved as she was as regarded our deepest feelings. Like her I poured myself out in passionate meditations81 on the present circumstances. Any treatment seemed to suit them, from arch frivolity82 to lyricism. I, who formerly used to be so particular about each letter being written in an accurate, and indeed elegant style, now scribbled83 away at page after page, just as they occurred to me. I did not even read them over! A soldier to his fiancée! The slips must take care of themselves. And I took a kind of pride in baring my soul, which no longer hid any evil recesses84....
点击收听单词发音
1 desperately | |
adv.极度渴望地,绝望地,孤注一掷地 | |
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2 steadfastness | |
n.坚定,稳当 | |
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3 iota | |
n.些微,一点儿 | |
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4 molecule | |
n.分子,克分子 | |
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5 faltering | |
犹豫的,支吾的,蹒跚的 | |
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6 regiment | |
n.团,多数,管理;v.组织,编成团,统制 | |
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7 stiffening | |
n. (使衣服等)变硬的材料, 硬化 动词stiffen的现在分词形式 | |
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8 serene | |
adj. 安详的,宁静的,平静的 | |
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9 infinitely | |
adv.无限地,无穷地 | |
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10 victorious | |
adj.胜利的,得胜的 | |
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11 obstinately | |
ad.固执地,顽固地 | |
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12 adversary | |
adj.敌手,对手 | |
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13 epidemic | |
n.流行病;盛行;adj.流行性的,流传极广的 | |
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14 feats | |
功绩,伟业,技艺( feat的名词复数 ) | |
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15 tenacious | |
adj.顽强的,固执的,记忆力强的,粘的 | |
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16 boon | |
n.恩赐,恩物,恩惠 | |
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17 descended | |
a.为...后裔的,出身于...的 | |
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18 vitality | |
n.活力,生命力,效力 | |
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19 armistice | |
n.休战,停战协定 | |
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20 shamefully | |
可耻地; 丢脸地; 不体面地; 羞耻地 | |
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21 premature | |
adj.比预期时间早的;不成熟的,仓促的 | |
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22 incessant | |
adj.不停的,连续的 | |
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23 paltry | |
adj.无价值的,微不足道的 | |
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24 bourgeois | |
adj./n.追求物质享受的(人);中产阶级分子 | |
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25 manly | |
adj.有男子气概的;adv.男子般地,果断地 | |
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26 athletics | |
n.运动,体育,田径运动 | |
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27 passionate | |
adj.热情的,热烈的,激昂的,易动情的,易怒的,性情暴躁的 | |
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28 collaborate | |
vi.协作,合作;协调 | |
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29 helping | |
n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的,辅助的 | |
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30 motive | |
n.动机,目的;adv.发动的,运动的 | |
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31 postal | |
adj.邮政的,邮局的 | |
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32 knack | |
n.诀窍,做事情的灵巧的,便利的方法 | |
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33 trotting | |
小跑,急走( trot的现在分词 ); 匆匆忙忙地走 | |
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34 mare | |
n.母马,母驴 | |
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35 riddled | |
adj.布满的;充斥的;泛滥的v.解谜,出谜题(riddle的过去分词形式) | |
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36 entirely | |
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地 | |
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37 attachment | |
n.附属物,附件;依恋;依附 | |
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38 formerly | |
adv.从前,以前 | |
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39 abominable | |
adj.可厌的,令人憎恶的 | |
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40 dreaded | |
adj.令人畏惧的;害怕的v.害怕,恐惧,担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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41 collapse | |
vi.累倒;昏倒;倒塌;塌陷 | |
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42 prostration | |
n. 平伏, 跪倒, 疲劳 | |
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43 resolute | |
adj.坚决的,果敢的 | |
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44 modesty | |
n.谦逊,虚心,端庄,稳重,羞怯,朴素 | |
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45 homage | |
n.尊敬,敬意,崇敬 | |
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46 allusions | |
暗指,间接提到( allusion的名词复数 ) | |
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47 scraps | |
油渣 | |
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48 spoke | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
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49 affected | |
adj.不自然的,假装的 | |
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50 disinterested | |
adj.不关心的,不感兴趣的 | |
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51 deign | |
v. 屈尊, 惠允 ( 做某事) | |
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52 sublime | |
adj.崇高的,伟大的;极度的,不顾后果的 | |
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53 motives | |
n.动机,目的( motive的名词复数 ) | |
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54 prodigious | |
adj.惊人的,奇妙的;异常的;巨大的;庞大的 | |
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55 betrothal | |
n. 婚约, 订婚 | |
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56 toil | |
vi.辛劳工作,艰难地行动;n.苦工,难事 | |
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57 wondrous | |
adj.令人惊奇的,奇妙的;adv.惊人地;异乎寻常地;令人惊叹地 | |
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58 partially | |
adv.部分地,从某些方面讲 | |
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59 fictitious | |
adj.虚构的,假设的;空头的 | |
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60 imbued | |
v.使(某人/某事)充满或激起(感情等)( imbue的过去式和过去分词 );使充满;灌输;激发(强烈感情或品质等) | |
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61 perturbed | |
adj.烦燥不安的v.使(某人)烦恼,不安( perturb的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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62 inflamed | |
adj.发炎的,红肿的v.(使)变红,发怒,过热( inflame的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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63 fluctuation | |
n.(物价的)波动,涨落;周期性变动;脉动 | |
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64 oars | |
n.桨,橹( oar的名词复数 );划手v.划(行)( oar的第三人称单数 ) | |
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65 regained | |
复得( regain的过去式和过去分词 ); 赢回; 重回; 复至某地 | |
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66 incapable | |
adj.无能力的,不能做某事的 | |
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67 exalted | |
adj.(地位等)高的,崇高的;尊贵的,高尚的 | |
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68 zest | |
n.乐趣;滋味,风味;兴趣 | |
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69 revel | |
vi.狂欢作乐,陶醉;n.作乐,狂欢 | |
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70 supreme | |
adj.极度的,最重要的;至高的,最高的 | |
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71 folly | |
n.愚笨,愚蠢,蠢事,蠢行,傻话 | |
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72 hurled | |
v.猛投,用力掷( hurl的过去式和过去分词 );大声叫骂 | |
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73 brutality | |
n.野蛮的行为,残忍,野蛮 | |
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74 primitive | |
adj.原始的;简单的;n.原(始)人,原始事物 | |
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75 rapture | |
n.狂喜;全神贯注;着迷;v.使狂喜 | |
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76 recurring | |
adj.往复的,再次发生的 | |
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77 elevation | |
n.高度;海拔;高地;上升;提高 | |
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78 mere | |
adj.纯粹的;仅仅,只不过 | |
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79 mingled | |
混合,混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 ); 混进,与…交往[联系] | |
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80 attained | |
(通常经过努力)实现( attain的过去式和过去分词 ); 达到; 获得; 达到(某年龄、水平、状况) | |
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81 meditations | |
默想( meditation的名词复数 ); 默念; 沉思; 冥想 | |
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82 frivolity | |
n.轻松的乐事,兴高采烈;轻浮的举止 | |
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83 scribbled | |
v.潦草的书写( scribble的过去式和过去分词 );乱画;草草地写;匆匆记下 | |
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84 recesses | |
n.壁凹( recess的名词复数 );(工作或业务活动的)中止或暂停期间;学校的课间休息;某物内部的凹形空间v.把某物放在墙壁的凹处( recess的第三人称单数 );将(墙)做成凹形,在(墙)上做壁龛;休息,休会,休庭 | |
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