My misfortune, she said, had not taken her by surprise. She had dreaded5 it all along. Had I not discerned her deep compassion6 beneath the encouragement even in her very first letter?
At this point her tone grew more tender. She was aware, she said, of my bitterness and anguish7 which I tried in vain to conceal8 from her. However, I had turned to her. She thanked me for that. She was my faithful friend. She recognised herself as being picked out to help me in my trouble. After all, I was alive. Wasn't that all that mattered? My misfortune did not lower me. It all raised me, on the contrary. I must have fought superbly. How many times[Pg 495] a day she had pictured me leading my men to the attack. I had been intoxicated9, had I not, by all that life offered of sublime10 sensations. I should not assume my former scepticism again, even in play. What a lot we should have to tell each other when—and Heaven grant that the day might be near at hand—we met again.
I read and re-read these six pages. I never tired of assuring myself of my joy and revelling11 in it. My heart melted as a result of the relief, and turned towards the wall; I wept the sweet tears which had been ready to flow for the last ten days.
I now recognised clearly what I had dreaded and could smile at it. A revival13 of the dry mistrust which was dissipated at a word from Jeannine!
This miracle of her persistent14 affection seemed to me the simplest and most natural reality. Since the milk of human kindness was not an empty saying! And then one might have mistrusted another, but she, like myself, had deliberately15 raised herself above the common sphere in which men's feelings move. How little the scruples16 and hesitations17 of average souls could count for in comparison with the mute vow18 which bound us. We belonged to each other, whatever might happen!
But, nevertheless, when the first transport was over, a vague feeling of unrest returned to skim the surface of my mind. I was insatiable. It seemed to me that I might have looked for a more tender and impassioned abandonment—for some involuntary avowal19....
And then, no! On thinking it over, I had no difficulty in convincing myself that it was her modesty20 which forbade her to declare herself. I myself had never dared to put it into writing. No; our engage[Pg 496]ment would be ratified21 by a hand-clasp, by the chaste22 exchange of words.
I wrote her eight pages that same evening. Our correspondence was resumed. Each of us now, certainly waited for the other's letter to arrive before answering it—and the posts were still uncertain, a week sometimes went by without bringing the looked-for letter.
I was not without regret for the time when our love had found a way to express itself, every, or almost every day. We had ceased to move amongst those unique circumstances when not an hour must be lost in pouring out all one's heart, since each letter, received or despatched, might be the last. This was the return to normal conditions; letters between the betrothed23 before the ring has been given. It was at least something on which to feed the certainty of our happiness.
Time went on and on. At the end of a fortnight they had given my leg a thorough dressing24 for the first time. The compresses, with the aid of hot water, had come off more quickly, and given me less pain than I had feared they might. Bujard congratulated me on the condition of my wound. There was no trace of suppuration. Three weeks more and I should get up!
I smiled at his words of encouragement. I marvelled25 at feeling nothing at the severed26 stump27 but a sort of tickling28 which was sometimes, by the way, almost intolerable. The feeling that my right thigh29 had nothing to counter-balance it was very queer too.
The occupants of our ward12 had nearly all recovered. Some more beds were added. They tried to make[Pg 497] more room, and sent away a great many of those who could stand up. Cadieu was despatched to a convalescent home. He went hobbling off, much amused by his crutches30. And merriment went with him.
Many of the new arrivals appeared exhausted31 and worn out. They arrived in an infected state—it was the end of October—from the ghastly slaughters32 in Belgium. There were several cases of tetanus and gangrene. I remember a big fellow, belonging to the naval34 brigade, who screamed with pain all night, and died at dawn.
I found this promiscuousness35 very trying, and lost strength again. My friend Bujard noticed it, and, after having consulted me, arranged for me to have a little room to myself. I took leave of the sister, Ste. Thérèse.
To begin with I missed the fresh air in the ward. I was reduced to the society of my father as sole companion, and he was not well, because he had had an attack of choking one evening, in the thick of the battle of the Yser, when he had thought our line had been broken through. Bujard had warned me that he was threatened with angina pectoris.
And yet with what solicitude36 the poor man surrounded me. He was by my side from eight o'clock in the morning onwards. He never left me during the day, and had obtained permission to have his meals brought up there. He tried everything imaginable to alleviate37 the monotony of my long convalescence38. He joined a library so that I might have books, and tired himself by reading to me for hours together. In the end I had to implore39 Bujard to forbid him to[Pg 498] read. He bought me a quantity of maps of different scales, and we tried to follow the situation, and the man?uvres of our five principal armies during the immortal40 days at the beginning of September. We marked out the actual front with little flags.
We talked, too. I evoked41 certain scenes from my childhood, our Lorraine, Eberménil. It caused my father frightful42 distress43 to think that the enemy were still there. "But not for long," he growled44, grinding his teeth.
If I pressed the subject and recalled some happy occasion on which our dear departed ones had figured at our sides, then I used to see him fall into a deep day-dream, into which I dared not break. He belonged to those whose grief is frozen and taciturn, more heart-rending, perhaps, than ours, which is assuaged45 when we give vent46 to it.
I realised anew the difference in our two natures—not without regret! I should never have ventured, I thought, to allow him even a glimpse of the surprising evolution which had made a new man of me. It would have revolted him to learn from what depths I had started, and all that had been needed to bring me to this state of grace in which he had maintained himself without an effort, for more than forty years.
Jeannine, everything brought back the longing33 for your beloved presence! You alone knew me, such as I had been and such as I was. What pride, just think, for us two, to ascertain47 how, little by little, at the seat of my love for you, all these virtues48 had blossomed in my soul. You would persuade me, perhaps, that I bore the germs in my heart, but that they could never have flowered in the etiolating atmosphere in which my life had been spent.
[Pg 499]
Stirred by such thoughts, I suddenly became more sensible to the paternal49 affection. What nurse would have set her wits to work in such a touching50 fashion? He tried to remember how my mother used to treat me during my long illnesses in former days.
One morning, he put a pack of cards on my table and timidly proposed a game of piquet.
"A good idea!" I said. "Let's draw!"
He puckered51 his forehead and played attentively52, and won. And I could see myself again as a child—a child playing like this with my mother, caressing53 her beautiful white hands. I could have seized and kissed this old man's wrinkled hands. The unique tenderness of parents, which one must hasten to enjoy! My mother had passed away years and years ago—and as for him, the last on earth of the beings whom I perpetuated54, how much time would slip away before they left him, having lived his life, between four planks55? I was harrowed in advance. I made a vow to do all that was in my power to sweeten the days—restricted, alas56, in number—which still remained to him.
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1
doom
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| n.厄运，劫数；v.注定，命定 | |
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revered
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| v.崇敬，尊崇，敬畏( revere的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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rheumatism
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| n.风湿病 | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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dreaded
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| adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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conceal
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，隐蔽 | |
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intoxicated
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| 喝醉的，极其兴奋的 | |
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sublime
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| adj.崇高的，伟大的；极度的，不顾后果的 | |
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revelling
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| v.作乐( revel的现在分词 )；狂欢；着迷；陶醉 | |
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12
ward
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| n.守卫，监护，病房，行政区，由监护人或法院保护的人（尤指儿童）；vt.守护，躲开 | |
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revival
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| n.复兴，复苏，（精力、活力等的）重振 | |
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persistent
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| adj.坚持不懈的，执意的；持续的 | |
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deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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scruples
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| n.良心上的不安( scruple的名词复数 )；顾虑，顾忌v.感到于心不安，有顾忌( scruple的第三人称单数 ) | |
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hesitations
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| n.犹豫( hesitation的名词复数 )；踌躇；犹豫（之事或行为）；口吃 | |
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vow
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| n.誓(言)，誓约；v.起誓，立誓 | |
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avowal
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| n.公开宣称，坦白承认 | |
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modesty
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| n.谦逊，虚心，端庄，稳重，羞怯，朴素 | |
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ratified
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| v.批准，签认（合约等）( ratify的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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chaste
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| adj.贞洁的；有道德的；善良的；简朴的 | |
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betrothed
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| n. 已订婚者 动词betroth的过去式和过去分词 | |
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dressing
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| n.(食物)调料；包扎伤口的用品，敷料 | |
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marvelled
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| v.惊奇，对…感到惊奇( marvel的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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severed
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| v.切断，断绝( sever的过去式和过去分词 )；断，裂 | |
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27
stump
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| n.残株，烟蒂，讲演台；v.砍断，蹒跚而走 | |
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tickling
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| 反馈，回授，自旋挠痒法 | |
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thigh
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| n.大腿；股骨 | |
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crutches
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| n.拐杖, 支柱 v.支撑 | |
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exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
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32
slaughters
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| v.屠杀，杀戮，屠宰( slaughter的第三人称单数 ) | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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naval
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| adj.海军的，军舰的，船的 | |
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promiscuousness
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| n.promiscuous（混杂的，乱七八糟的，杂乱的）的变形 | |
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36
solicitude
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| n.焦虑 | |
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alleviate
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| v.减轻，缓和，缓解(痛苦等) | |
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convalescence
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| n.病后康复期 | |
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implore
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| vt.乞求，恳求，哀求 | |
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immortal
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| adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的 | |
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41
evoked
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| [医]诱发的 | |
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42
frightful
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| adj.可怕的；讨厌的 | |
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43
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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44
growled
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| v.（动物）发狺狺声， （雷）作隆隆声( growl的过去式和过去分词 )；低声咆哮着说 | |
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45
assuaged
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| v.减轻( assuage的过去式和过去分词 )；缓和；平息；使安静 | |
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46
vent
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| n.通风口，排放口；开衩；vt.表达，发泄 | |
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47
ascertain
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| vt.发现，确定，查明，弄清 | |
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48
virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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49
paternal
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| adj.父亲的，像父亲的，父系的，父方的 | |
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50
touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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51
puckered
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| v.（使某物）起褶子或皱纹( pucker的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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52
attentively
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| adv.聚精会神地；周到地；谛；凝神 | |
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53
caressing
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| 爱抚的，表现爱情的，亲切的 | |
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54
perpetuated
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| vt.使永存（perpetuate的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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55
planks
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| （厚）木板( plank的名词复数 )； 政纲条目，政策要点 | |
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56
alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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