“Oh, that was certainly remarkable8, after a fashion, but you ought to have seen my chimney—you ought to have seen my chimney, sir! Smoke! I wish I may hang if—Mr. Jones, you remember that chimney—you must remember that chimney! No, no—I recollect9, now, you warn’t living on this side of the island then. But I am telling you nothing but the truth, and I wish I may never draw another breath if that chimney didn’t smoke so that the smoke actually got caked in it and I had to dig it out with a pickaxe! You may smile, gentlemen, but the High Sheriff’s got a hunk of it which I dug out before his eyes, and so it’s perfectly10 easy for you to go and examine for yourselves.”
The interruption broke up the conversation, which had already begun to lag, and we presently hired some natives and an out-rigger canoe or two, and went out to overlook a grand surf-bathing contest.
Two weeks after this, while talking in a company, I looked up and detected this same man boring through and through me with his intense eye, and noted11 again his twitching12 muscles and his feverish anxiety to speak. The moment I paused, he said:
“Beg your pardon, sir, beg your pardon, but it can only be considered remarkable when brought into strong outline by isolation13. Sir, contrasted with a circumstance which occurred in my own experience, it instantly becomes commonplace. No, not that—for I will not speak so discourteously14 of any experience in the career of a stranger and a gentleman—but I am obliged to say that you could not, and you would not ever again refer to this tree as a large one, if you could behold15, as I have, the great Yakmatack tree, in the island of Ounaska, sea of Kamtchatka—a tree, sir, not one inch less than four hundred and fifteen feet in solid diameter!—and I wish I may die in a minute if it isn’t so! Oh, you needn’t look so questioning, gentlemen; here’s old Cap Saltmarsh can say whether I know what I’m talking about or not. I showed him the tree.”
Captain Saltmarsh—“Come, now, cat your anchor, lad—you’re heaving too taut16. You promised to show me that stunner, and I walked more than eleven mile with you through the cussedest jungle I ever see, a hunting for it; but the tree you showed me finally warn’t as big around as a beer cask, and you know that your own self, Markiss.”
“Hear the man talk! Of course the tree was reduced that way, but didn’t I explain it? Answer me, didn’t I? Didn’t I say I wished you could have seen it when I first saw it? When you got up on your ear and called me names, and said I had brought you eleven miles to look at a sapling, didn’t I explain to you that all the whale-ships in the North Seas had been wooding off of it for more than twenty-seven years? And did you s’pose the tree could last for-ever, con-found it? I don’t see why you want to keep back things that way, and try to injure a person that’s never done you any harm.”
Somehow this man’s presence made me uncomfortable, and I was glad when a native arrived at that moment to say that Muckawow, the most companionable and luxurious17 among the rude war-chiefs of the Islands, desired us to come over and help him enjoy a missionary18 whom he had found trespassing19 on his grounds.
I think it was about ten days afterward20 that, as I finished a statement I was making for the instruction of a group of friends and acquaintances, and which made no pretence21 of being extraordinary, a familiar voice chimed instantly in on the heels of my last word, and said:
“But, my dear sir, there was nothing remarkable about that horse, or the circumstance either—nothing in the world! I mean no sort of offence when I say it, sir, but you really do not know anything whatever about speed. Bless your heart, if you could only have seen my mare23 Margaretta; there was a beast!—there was lightning for you! Trot24! Trot is no name for it—she flew! How she could whirl a buggy along! I started her out once, sir—Colonel Bilgewater, you recollect that animal perfectly well—I started her out about thirty or thirty-five yards ahead of the awfullest storm I ever saw in my life, and it chased us upwards25 of eighteen miles! It did, by the everlasting26 hills! And I’m telling you nothing but the unvarnished truth when I say that not one single drop of rain fell on me—not a single drop, sir! And I swear to it! But my dog was a-swimming behind the wagon27 all the way!”
For a week or two I stayed mostly within doors, for I seemed to meet this person everywhere, and he had become utterly28 hateful to me. But one evening I dropped in on Captain Perkins and his friends, and we had a sociable time. About ten o’clock I chanced to be talking about a merchant friend of mine, and without really intending it, the remark slipped out that he was a little mean and parsimonious29 about paying his workmen. Instantly, through the steam of a hot whiskey punch on the opposite side of the room, a remembered voice shot—and for a moment I trembled on the imminent30 verge31 of profanity:
“Oh, my dear sir, really you expose yourself when you parade that as a surprising circumstance. Bless your heart and hide, you are ignorant of the very A B C of meanness! ignorant as the unborn babe! ignorant as unborn twins! You don’t know anything about it! It is pitiable to see you, sir, a well-spoken and prepossessing stranger, making such an enormous pow-wow here about a subject concerning which your ignorance is perfectly humiliating! Look me in the eye, if you please; look me in the eye. John James Godfrey was the son of poor but honest parents in the State of Mississippi—boyhood friend of mine—bosom comrade in later years. Heaven rest his noble spirit, he is gone from us now. John James Godfrey was hired by the Hayblossom Mining Company in California to do some blasting for them—the “Incorporated Company of Mean Men,” the boys used to call it.
“Well, one day he drilled a hole about four feet deep and put in an awful blast of powder, and was standing32 over it ramming33 it down with an iron crowbar about nine foot long, when the cussed thing struck a spark and fired the powder, and scat! away John Godfrey whizzed like a skyrocket, him and his crowbar! Well, sir, he kept on going up in the air higher and higher, till he didn’t look any bigger than a boy—and he kept going on up higher and higher, till he didn’t look any bigger than a doll—and he kept on going up higher and higher, till he didn’t look any bigger than a little small bee—and then he went out of sight! Presently he came in sight again, looking like a little small bee—and he came along down further and further, till he looked as big as a doll again—and down further and further, till he was as big as a boy again—and further and further, till he was a full-sized man once more; and then him and his crowbar came a wh-izzing down and lit right exactly in the same old tracks and went to r-ramming down, and r-ramming down, and r-ramming down again, just the same as if nothing had happened! Now do you know, that poor cuss warn’t gone only sixteen minutes, and yet that Incorporated Company of Mean Men DOCKED HIM FOR THE LOST TIME!”
I said I had the headache, and so excused myself and went home. And on my diary I entered “another night spoiled” by this offensive loafer. And a fervent34 curse was set down with it to keep the item company. And the very next day I packed up, out of all patience, and left the Island.
The line of points represents an interval35 of years. At the end of which time the opinion hazarded in that last sentence came to be gratifyingly and remarkably36 endorsed37, and by wholly disinterested38 persons. The man Markiss was found one morning hanging to a beam of his own bedroom (the doors and windows securely fastened on the inside), dead; and on his breast was pinned a paper in his own handwriting begging his friends to suspect no innocent person of having any thing to do with his death, for that it was the work of his own hands entirely39. Yet the jury brought in the astounding40 verdict that deceased came to his death “by the hands of some person or persons unknown!” They explained that the perfectly undeviating consistency41 of Markiss’s character for thirty years towered aloft as colossal42 and indestructible testimony43, that whatever statement he chose to make was entitled to instant and unquestioning acceptance as a lie. And they furthermore stated their belief that he was not dead, and instanced the strong circumstantial evidence of his own word that he was dead—and beseeched the coroner to delay the funeral as long as possible, which was done. And so in the tropical climate of Lahaina the coffin44 stood open for seven days, and then even the loyal jury gave him up. But they sat on him again, and changed their verdict to “suicide induced by mental aberration”—because, said they, with penetration45, “he said he was dead, and he was dead; and would he have told the truth if he had been in his right mind? No, sir.”
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1
annoyance
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| n.恼怒，生气，烦恼 | |
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sociable
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| adj.好交际的，友好的，合群的 | |
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3
modesty
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| n.谦逊，虚心，端庄，稳重，羞怯，朴素 | |
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4
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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5
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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utterance
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| n.用言语表达，话语，言语 | |
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feverish
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| adj.发烧的，狂热的，兴奋的 | |
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8
remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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9
recollect
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| v.回忆，想起，记起，忆起，记得 | |
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10
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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11
noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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twitching
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| n.颤搐 | |
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13
isolation
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| n.隔离，孤立，分解，分离 | |
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14
discourteously
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| adv.不礼貌地，粗鲁地 | |
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15
behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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16
taut
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| adj.拉紧的，绷紧的，紧张的 | |
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17
luxurious
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| adj.精美而昂贵的；豪华的 | |
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18
missionary
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| adj.教会的，传教(士)的；n.传教士 | |
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trespassing
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| [法]非法入侵 | |
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afterward
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| adv.后来；以后 | |
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pretence
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| n.假装，作假；借口，口实；虚伪；虚饰 | |
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liar
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| n.说谎的人 | |
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mare
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| n.母马，母驴 | |
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24
trot
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| n.疾走，慢跑；n.老太婆；现成译本；(复数）trots:腹泻（与the 连用）；v.小跑，快步走，赶紧 | |
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25
upwards
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| adv.向上，在更高处...以上 | |
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everlasting
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| adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的 | |
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wagon
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| n.四轮马车，手推车，面包车；无盖运货列车 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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parsimonious
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| adj.吝啬的，质量低劣的 | |
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imminent
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| adj.即将发生的，临近的，逼近的 | |
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verge
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| n.边，边缘；v.接近，濒临 | |
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32
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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33
ramming
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| n.打结炉底v.夯实（土等）( ram的现在分词 )；猛撞；猛压；反复灌输 | |
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34
fervent
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| adj.热的，热烈的，热情的 | |
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35
interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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remarkably
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| ad.不同寻常地，相当地 | |
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37
endorsed
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| vt.& vi.endorse的过去式或过去分词形式v.赞同( endorse的过去式和过去分词 )；在（尤指支票的）背面签字；在（文件的）背面写评论；在广告上说本人使用并赞同某产品 | |
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38
disinterested
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| adj.不关心的，不感兴趣的 | |
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39
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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40
astounding
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| adj.使人震惊的vt.使震惊，使大吃一惊astound的现在分词) | |
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41
consistency
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| n.一贯性，前后一致，稳定性；(液体的)浓度 | |
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42
colossal
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| adj.异常的，庞大的 | |
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43
testimony
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| n.证词；见证，证明 | |
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44
coffin
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| n.棺材，灵柩 | |
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45
penetration
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| n.穿透，穿人，渗透 | |
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