BOUT1 a week later, Colonel Dabney reported, with a favorable recommendation to the House, from the Committee on Public Property, “An Act restoring a certain amputated limb in the Medical Museum to Major Henry G. Dunwoody.” The Act specified2 the leg contained in Exhibit 1307, Case 25, as the property to be restored.
When the bill came up for discussion, General Belcher moved to lay it upon the table. Defeated. Then he moved to amend3 it with a provision that the bone of the leg should be withdrawn4 and retained in the Museum. Rejected. Then he offered a resolution referring the whole matter to a committee of inquiry5, which should be directed to sit for two years, and to take testimony6 as to what had been the practice of governments in the matter of surrendering legs blown off in battle, from the time of Sennacherib down to the battle of Sedan, including evidence respecting the custom in Persia, Greece, Egypt, Rome, Carthage, Palestine, and modern Europe. After a spirited debate the resolution was lost. But the General was not287 discouraged. He presented another resolution, that a special committee be directed to inquire whether the person mentioned in this bill was the same Major Dunwoody who, in a fit of alcoholic8 frenzy9, in Clarion10 County, Pennsylvania, in 1866, treed his aged7 grandfather one rainy night, and compelled that venerable and rheumatic person to roost upon a lofty branch until morning. Voted down: Yeas 304; Nays11 1 (General Belcher).
The bill finally passed to a third reading, and was adopted. When it had received the approval of the Senate and the President, Major Dunwoody drove round to the Museum in high glee with Pandora. He carried in his pocket an empty pillow-case, in which he proposed to take home with him the long-lost fragment of himself. When he found the janitor12 and presented his credentials13, that official was exceedingly polite, and at once led the way to the place where the treasure was kept.
While he was unlocking the case, Pandora could hardly repress her feelings of joy. Leaning upon her lover’s arm, and watching the janitor, she exclaimed,—
“Isn’t it elegant, dear? I can hardly realize that we are really going to get it! Mother will be so glad when George Washington has his other leg on.”
“I wish I had my other one on,” said the Major, pleasantly.
288 “So do I. It’s too bad! But you can stand it up on the table and look at it now as much as you want to, can’t you, darling?”
The janitor lifted down the huge jar containing the limb, and took it out of the spirits.
“I feel,” said the Major, as he unfolded his pillow-case, “as if I was in a cemetery14, disinterring one of my near relations.”
“So beautiful! Isn’t it?” said Pandora.
The Major suddenly scrutinized15 the leg closely.
“Why, how—how’s this? I don’t exactly understand—let’s see, janitor, this is Exhibit 1307? Yes. Case 25? Yes, Case 25; so it is. Why, Thunder and Mars! (excuse my agitation16, Pandora,) there must be something wrong about this!”
“Wrong, Henry? How?”
“Guess not, sir,” said the janitor. “This is what the bill calls for.”
“But it can’t be, you know. I lost my left leg, and this one you had in the jar here is a right leg. I couldn’t have had two right legs, Pandora, of course!”
“I do not know, dear. Some persons have peculiarities17 of formation which—”
“Oh, well, now, be reasonable. I am absolutely certain that my leg was a left leg in every particular. You see, Pandora, this is a matter about which I may fairly be considered an authority.”
289 “Yes, Henry, but—but maybe being in the alcohol so long may have changed it.”
“Impossible. Quite impossible, Pandora. The annals of medical science, from Esculapius down, contain no record of such a thing. The leg is not mine.”
“But you might as well take it, dearest, mightn’t you, because my George Washington ought to be finished as quickly as possible?”
“You don’t want to put two right legs on him, too, do you?”
“I don’t know, Henry, I might. People won’t look at his toes; and if they did, they would regard the arrangement as one of the eccentricities18 of genius, perhaps.”
“Let us look about,” said the Major. “Perhaps my leg is in one of these other cases. Why, here it is! Sure enough! In Case 1236, Exhibit 11. That is mine. You’ll let me have it, Mr. Janitor, of course?”
“Can’t do it, sir; I have to follow the Act of Congress carefully. I daren’t go outside of it.”
“Well, this is too bad!” exclaimed the Major. “You positively19 won’t give it to me?”
“No, sir; I won’t.”
“Well, then, Pandora, there is nothing to do but to wait. I’ll get Colonel Dabney to put another bill through at once. Let me get the numbers: Exhibit 11, Case 1236.”
290 Then, taking Pandora upon his arm, the Major hobbled to his carriage and drove straight to the Capitol.
About three weeks later another bill passed the House without opposition20, General Belcher being absent in New York upon a Committee of Inquiry. While the measure was pending21 in the Senate, Achilles Smith, one morning, at an early hour, entered a rear door of the Museum with a key which he had obtained by bribing22 the charwoman, and proceeding23 to Case 1236, he removed the leg from the jar No. 11, and put it in another jar in another case, replacing it with the leg that had been in the latter jar.
He went down-stairs chuckling24. “You mutilated outcast, you,” he said, addressing the Major in imagination; “we’ll see who’ll beat at this game!”
When the Act had been signed by the President, the Major drove with Pandora to the Museum a second time. Upon reaching Case 1236 he was for a moment stricken dumb with amazement25. Presently he said,—
“Why, Pandora, my dear, do you see? It’s the leg of a colored man!”
“Ye—e—es, it seems to be, Henry. But perhaps mortification26 or something has set in.”
“It is very mysterious. I can’t account for it.”
“One of your legs was not colored, was it, my love?”
291 “Oh, no, of course not!”
“Perhaps the janitor here has tarred it over, to preserve it better?”
“No, ma’am; that’s not allowed in this institution.”
“You’ll take it anyhow; won’t you, Henry?”
“Oh, my dear, be reasonable. Take the leg of a negro for mine!”
“Well, but, Henry, I can paint it white in my picture.”
“Yes; but, Pandora, you know we won’t care to have particles of fractured Africans scattered27 about our house. We can have no cherished memories associated with a leg like this.”
“I suppose not; but it seems rather hard that my Washington should have to stand upon that one leg at least a month longer.”
“He won’t mind it. He was heroic. He would have stood upon a solitary28 leg for centuries rather than have robbed another man of his members.”
Pandora sighed deeply, and made up her mind to try to be resigned; and so they went downstairs, and drove away to state the case to Colonel Dabney.
The Colonel, after hearing the story, distinctly affirmed the opinion that there had been foul29 play. The Major jumped at the suggestion, and told him of General Belcher and Achilles Smith, and their designs respecting Pandora.
292 “Never mind; I will defeat their plans,” said the Colonel. “You shall have the leg next time, if it is still in existence, no matter who meddles30 with it.”
The next Act reported by Colonel Dabney provided that Major Henry G. Dunwoody should have authority to take possession of his leg wherever it could be found, in any institution under control of the Government.
He referred to the heroes of the past. Who ever heard of Epaminondas prowling about in search of a leg lost in honorable warfare32? Did Leonidas return from Thermopyl? to seek the aid of the national legislature in an effort to recover members of his body that had been hacked33 off? Hannibal was fairly torn to pieces, but he would have scorned to go fishing in alcohol jars for them. C?sar, Alexander, Wallenstein, Wellington, General Jackson, were all mighty34 warriors35, but he had yet to learn that they ever stooped to begging their respective governments for mangled36 remains37 that had been preserved for the instruction of medical men and the alleviation38 of the sufferings of the human race. No, it was reserved for this obscure American militiaman, who was gravely suspected of fiendish barbarity to an aged and infirm grandsire, and who had been charged with293 hiding behind a baggage-wagon at Gettysburg, to begin this ghoulish practice of grasping for legs that had been solemnly dedicated39 to the uses of our common country.
He would direct attention to the remarkable40 and mysterious circumstances surrounding this case. It was admitted even by the friends of Major Dunwoody that he had one leg. Two other legs had been awarded him by separate Acts of Congress. That made three. He had in his hand a receipt for two artificial legs supplied to Major Dunwoody by the Government, making five; and he was credibly41 informed that the Major had recently appeared at a church in the capital wearing a French leg, with which he performed some extraordinary, not to say scandalous, feats42 during the service. Thus there was positive evidence that this person had already in his possession six legs, and now he was demanding from Congress permission to take a seventh. He appealed to the House, was it reasonable that one man should be allowed to have seven legs? Would it look well for this House to announce to the country that it was willing to rifle the Medical Museum in order to confer an additional leg upon a man who was the owner of six others? He could understand such legislation if men were constructed like centipedes, but it seemed to him more than monstrous43, positively iniquitous44, indeed, to vote away the pathetic294 and instructive remnants of our glorious heroes for the purpose of furthering the insidious45, perhaps treasonable, designs of a man who had enough legs of various kinds already to make three ordinary men comfortable.
When the General concluded his remarks, Colonel Dabney replied, and stated the facts of the case plainly and forcibly. The bill was passed by a handsome majority.
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1
bout
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| n.侵袭，发作；一次(阵，回)；拳击等比赛 | |
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2
specified
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| adj.特定的 | |
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3
amend
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| vt.修改，修订，改进；n.[pl.]赔罪，赔偿 | |
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4
withdrawn
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| vt.收回；使退出；vi.撤退，退出 | |
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5
inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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6
testimony
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| n.证词；见证，证明 | |
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7
aged
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| adj.年老的，陈年的 | |
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8
alcoholic
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| adj.（含）酒精的，由酒精引起的；n.酗酒者 | |
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9
frenzy
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| n.疯狂，狂热，极度的激动 | |
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10
clarion
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| n.尖音小号声；尖音小号 | |
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11
nays
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| n.反对票，投反对票者( nay的名词复数 ) | |
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12
janitor
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| n.看门人，管门人 | |
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13
credentials
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| n.证明，资格，证明书，证件 | |
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14
cemetery
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| n.坟墓，墓地，坟场 | |
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15
scrutinized
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| v.仔细检查，详审( scrutinize的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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16
agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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17
peculiarities
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| n. 特质, 特性, 怪癖, 古怪 | |
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18
eccentricities
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| n.古怪行为( eccentricity的名词复数 )；反常；怪癖 | |
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19
positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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20
opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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21
pending
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| prep.直到，等待…期间；adj.待定的；迫近的 | |
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22
bribing
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| 贿赂 | |
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23
proceeding
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| n.行动，进行，(pl.)会议录，学报 | |
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24
chuckling
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| 轻声地笑( chuckle的现在分词 ) | |
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25
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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26
mortification
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| n.耻辱，屈辱 | |
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27
scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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28
solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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29
foul
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| adj.污秽的；邪恶的；v.弄脏；妨害；犯规；n.犯规 | |
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30
meddles
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| v.干涉，干预（他人事务）( meddle的第三人称单数 ) | |
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31
eloquent
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| adj.雄辩的，口才流利的；明白显示出的 | |
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32
warfare
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| n.战争(状态)；斗争；冲突 | |
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33
hacked
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| 生气 | |
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34
mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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35
warriors
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| 武士，勇士，战士( warrior的名词复数 ) | |
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36
mangled
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| vt.乱砍（mangle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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37
remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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38
alleviation
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| n. 减轻，缓和，解痛物 | |
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39
dedicated
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| adj.一心一意的；献身的；热诚的 | |
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40
remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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41
credibly
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| ad.可信地；可靠地 | |
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42
feats
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| 功绩，伟业，技艺( feat的名词复数 ) | |
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43
monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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44
iniquitous
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| adj.不公正的；邪恶的；高得出奇的 | |
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45
insidious
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| adj.阴险的，隐匿的，暗中为害的，（疾病）不知不觉之间加剧 | |
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