The sense of religion I take to be, in its simplest definition, the consciousness of the presence of the Divine Being, and the practice of religion to be the maintenance of conscious union or communion with the Divine. These were entirely7 lacking to me. I accepted the[48] fact of God’s existence as I accepted the facts of history and geography. But my conception of God, if I may speak plainly and without profanity, was derived8 from the Old Testament10, and was destitute11 of attractiveness. I conceived of Him as old, vindictive12, unmerciful, occupied in tedious matters, hostile to all gaiety and juvenility13; totally uninterested in the human race, except in so far that He regarded their transgressions14 with morbid15 asperity16 and a kind of gloomy satisfaction, as giving Him an opportunity of exercising coercive discipline. He was never represented to me as the Giver of the simple joys of life—of light and warmth, of food and sleep, as the Creator of curious and sweet-smelling flowers, of aromatic17 shrubs18, of waving trees, of horned animals and extravagant19 insects. Considering how entirely creatures of sense children are, it has seemed to me since that it would be well if their simplest pleasures, the material surroundings of their lives, were connected with the idea of God—if they felt that what they enjoyed was sent by Him; if it were said of a toy that “God sends you this;” or of some domestic festivity that “God hopes that you will be happy[49] to-day,”—it appears to me that we should have less of that dreary20 philosophy which connects “God’s will” only with moments of bereavement21 and suffering. If we could only feel with Job, that God, who sends us so much that is sweet and wholesome22, has equally the right to send us what is evil, we could early grow to recognise that, when the greater part of our lives is made up of what is desirable or interesting, and when we cling to life and the hope of happiness with so unerring an instinct, it is probable, nay23, certain, that our afflictions must be ultimately intended to minister to the fulness of joy.
Religion
Certainly religious practices, though I enjoyed them in many ways, had no effect on conduct; indeed, I never thought of them as having any concern with conduct. Religious services never seemed to me in childhood to be solemnities designed for the hallowing of life, or indeed as having any power to do so, but merely as part of the framework of duty, as ceremonies out of which it was possible to derive9 a certain amount of interest and satisfaction.
Church was always a pleasure to me; I liked the mise-en-scène, the timbered roof, the[50] fallen day, the stained glass, the stone pillars, the comfortable pew, the rubricated prayer-book, the music, the movements of the minister—these all had a definite ?sthetic effect upon me; moreover, it was a pleasure to note, with the unshrinking gaze of childhood, the various delightful26 peculiarities27 of members of the congregation: the old man with apple-red cheeks, in his smock-frock, who came with rigid28, creaking boots to his place; the sexton, with his goat-like beard; the solicitor29, who emitted sounds in the hymns30 like the lowing of a cow; the throaty tenor31, who had but one vowel32 for all; the dowager in purple silk, who sat through the Psalms33 and inspected her prayer-book through a gold eye-glass as though she were examining some natural curiosity. All these were, in childish parlance34, “so funny.” And Church was thus a place to which I went willingly and joyfully35; the activity of my observation saved me from the tedium36 with which so many children regard it.
Religious Sentiment
This vacuous37 ?stheticism in the region of religion continued with me through my school days. Of purpose and principle there was no trace. I do indeed remember one matter in[51] which I had recourse to prayer. At my private school, a big suburban38 establishment, I was thrust into a large dormitory, a shrinking and bewildered atom, fresh from the privacies and loving attentions of the nursery, and required to undress and go to bed before the eyes of fifty boys. It was a rude introduction to the world, and it is strange to reflect upon the helpless despair with which a little soul can be filled under circumstances which to maturer thoughts appear almost idyllic39. But while I crouched40 miserably41 upon my bed, as I prepared to slip between the sheets—of which the hard texture42 alone dismayed me—I was struck by a shoe, mischievously43, but not brutally44 thrown by a bigger boy some yards away. Is it amusing or pathetic to reflect that night after night I prayed that this might not be repeated, using a suffrage45 of the Litany about our persecutors and slanderers, which seemed to me dismally46 appropriate?
At the public school to which I was shortly transferred, where I enjoyed a tranquil47 and uneventful existence, religion was still a sentiment. Being one of the older foundations we had a paid choir48, and the musical service was a real delight to me. I loved the dark[52] roof and the thunders of the organ; even now I can recollect49 the thrill with which I looked day after day at the pure lines of the Tudor building, the innumerable clustered shafts50 that ran from pavement to roof. I cared little for the arch?ology and history of the place, but the grace of antiquity51, the walls of mellow52 brick, the stone-crop that dripped in purple tufts among the mouldering53 stones of the buttress54, the very dust that clung to the rafters of the ancient refectory—all these I noted55 with secret thrills of delight.
Still no sense of reality touched me; life was but a moving pageant56, in which I played as slight a part as I could contrive57 to play. I was inoffensive; my work was easy to me. I had some congenial friends, and dreamed away the weeks in a gentle indolence set in a framework of unengrossing duties.
Pleasures of Ritual
About my sixteenth year I made friends with a high-church curate whom I met in the holidays, who was indeed distantly related to me; he was attached to a large London church, which existed mainly for ornate services, and I used to go up from school occasionally to see him, and even spent a few days in his house at the beginning or end of the holidays.[53] Looking back, he seems to me now to have been a somewhat inert60 and sentimental61 person, but I acquired from him a real love of liturgical62 things, wrote out with my own hand a book of Hours, carefully rubricated—though I do not recollect that I often used it—and became more ceremonial than ever. I had long settled that I was to take Orders, and I well recollect the thrill with which on one of these visits I saw my friend ascend63 the high stone pulpit of the tall church, with flaring64 lights, in a hood24 of a strange pattern, which he assured me was the antique shape. The sermon was, I even now recollect, deplorable both in language and thought, but that seemed to me a matter of entire indifference65; the central fact was that he stood there vested with due solemnity, and made rhetorical motions with an easy grace.
At this time, too, at school, I took to frequenting the service of the cathedral in the town whenever I was able, and became a familiar figure to vergers and clergy67. I have no doubt that were I to be made a bishop68, this fact would be cited as an instance of early piety, but the truth was that it was, so to speak, a mere25 amusement. I can honestly[54] say that it had no sort of effect on my life, which ran indolently on, side by side with the ritual preoccupation, unaffected by it, and indeed totally distinct from it. My confirmation69 came in the middle of these diversions; the solid and careful preparation that I received I looked upon as so much tedious lecturing to be decorously borne, and beside a dim pleasure in the ceremony, I do not think it had any influence of a practical kind. Once, indeed, there did pass a breath of vital truth over my placid70 and self-satisfied life, like a breeze over still water. There came to stay with us in the holidays an elderly clergyman, a friend of my mother’s, a London rector, whose whole life was sincerely given to helping71 souls to the light, and who had escaped by some exquisite72 lucidity73 of soul the self-consciousness—too often, alas74, the outcome of the adulation which is the shadow of holy influence. He had the gift of talking simply and sweetly about spiritual things—indeed nothing else interested him; conversation about books or politics he listened to with a gentle urbanity of tolerance75; yet when he talked himself, he never dogmatised, but appealed with a wistful smile to his hearers to[55] confirm the experiences which he related. Me, though an awkward boy, he treated with the most winning deference76, and on the morning of his departure asked me with delightful grace to accompany him on a short walk, and opened to me the thought of the hallowing presence of Christ in daily life. It seems to me now that he was inviting77 my confidence, but I had none to give him; so with a memorable78 solemnity he bade me, if I ever needed help in spiritual things, to come freely to him; I remember that he did so without any sense of patronage79, but as an older disciple80, wrestling with the same difficulties, and only a little further ahead in the vale of life. Lastly he took me to his room, knelt down beside me, and prayed with exquisite simplicity81 and affection that I might be enriched with the knowledge of Christ, and then laid his hand upon my head with a loving benediction. For days and even weeks that talk and that benediction dwelt with me; but the time had not come, and I was to be led through darker waters; and though I prayed for many days intensely that some revelation of truth might come to me, yet the seed had fallen on shallow[56] soil, and was soon scorched82 up again by the genial58 current of my daily life.
I think, though I say this with sadness, that he represented religion as too much a withdrawal83 from life for one so young, and did not make it clear to me that my merriment, my joys, my interests, and my ambitions might be hallowed and invigorated. He had himself subordinated life and character so completely to one end, and thrown aside (if he had ever possessed84 them) the dear prejudices and fiery85 interests of individuality, that I doubt if he could have thrown his imagination swiftly enough back into all the energetic hopes, the engrossing59 beckonings of opening manhood.
点击收听单词发音
1 piety | |
n.虔诚,虔敬 | |
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2 disapproval | |
n.反对,不赞成 | |
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3 averse | |
adj.厌恶的;反对的,不乐意的 | |
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4 vitality | |
n.活力,生命力,效力 | |
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5 deliberately | |
adv.审慎地;蓄意地;故意地 | |
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6 instinctively | |
adv.本能地 | |
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7 entirely | |
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地 | |
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8 derived | |
vi.起源;由来;衍生;导出v.得到( derive的过去式和过去分词 );(从…中)得到获得;源于;(从…中)提取 | |
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9 derive | |
v.取得;导出;引申;来自;源自;出自 | |
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10 testament | |
n.遗嘱;证明 | |
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11 destitute | |
adj.缺乏的;穷困的 | |
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12 vindictive | |
adj.有报仇心的,怀恨的,惩罚的 | |
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13 juvenility | |
n.年轻,不成熟 | |
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14 transgressions | |
n.违反,违法,罪过( transgression的名词复数 ) | |
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15 morbid | |
adj.病的;致病的;病态的;可怕的 | |
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16 asperity | |
n.粗鲁,艰苦 | |
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17 aromatic | |
adj.芳香的,有香味的 | |
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18 shrubs | |
灌木( shrub的名词复数 ) | |
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19 extravagant | |
adj.奢侈的;过分的;(言行等)放肆的 | |
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20 dreary | |
adj.令人沮丧的,沉闷的,单调乏味的 | |
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21 bereavement | |
n.亲人丧亡,丧失亲人,丧亲之痛 | |
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22 wholesome | |
adj.适合;卫生的;有益健康的;显示身心健康的 | |
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23 nay | |
adv.不;n.反对票,投反对票者 | |
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24 hood | |
n.头巾,兜帽,覆盖;v.罩上,以头巾覆盖 | |
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25 mere | |
adj.纯粹的;仅仅,只不过 | |
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26 delightful | |
adj.令人高兴的,使人快乐的 | |
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27 peculiarities | |
n. 特质, 特性, 怪癖, 古怪 | |
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28 rigid | |
adj.严格的,死板的;刚硬的,僵硬的 | |
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29 solicitor | |
n.初级律师,事务律师 | |
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30 hymns | |
n.赞美诗,圣歌,颂歌( hymn的名词复数 ) | |
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31 tenor | |
n.男高音(歌手),次中音(乐器),要旨,大意 | |
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32 vowel | |
n.元音;元音字母 | |
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33 psalms | |
n.赞美诗( psalm的名词复数 );圣诗;圣歌;(中的) | |
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34 parlance | |
n.说法;语调 | |
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35 joyfully | |
adv. 喜悦地, 高兴地 | |
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36 tedium | |
n.单调;烦闷 | |
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37 vacuous | |
adj.空的,漫散的,无聊的,愚蠢的 | |
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38 suburban | |
adj.城郊的,在郊区的 | |
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39 idyllic | |
adj.质朴宜人的,田园风光的 | |
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40 crouched | |
v.屈膝,蹲伏( crouch的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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41 miserably | |
adv.痛苦地;悲惨地;糟糕地;极度地 | |
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42 texture | |
n.(织物)质地;(材料)构造;结构;肌理 | |
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43 mischievously | |
adv.有害地;淘气地 | |
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44 brutally | |
adv.残忍地,野蛮地,冷酷无情地 | |
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45 suffrage | |
n.投票,选举权,参政权 | |
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46 dismally | |
adv.阴暗地,沉闷地 | |
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47 tranquil | |
adj. 安静的, 宁静的, 稳定的, 不变的 | |
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48 choir | |
n.唱诗班,唱诗班的席位,合唱团,舞蹈团;v.合唱 | |
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49 recollect | |
v.回忆,想起,记起,忆起,记得 | |
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50 shafts | |
n.轴( shaft的名词复数 );(箭、高尔夫球棒等的)杆;通风井;一阵(疼痛、害怕等) | |
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51 antiquity | |
n.古老;高龄;古物,古迹 | |
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52 mellow | |
adj.柔和的;熟透的;v.变柔和;(使)成熟 | |
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53 mouldering | |
v.腐朽( moulder的现在分词 );腐烂,崩塌 | |
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54 buttress | |
n.支撑物;v.支持 | |
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55 noted | |
adj.著名的,知名的 | |
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56 pageant | |
n.壮观的游行;露天历史剧 | |
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57 contrive | |
vt.谋划,策划;设法做到;设计,想出 | |
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58 genial | |
adj.亲切的,和蔼的,愉快的,脾气好的 | |
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59 engrossing | |
adj.使人全神贯注的,引人入胜的v.使全神贯注( engross的现在分词 ) | |
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60 inert | |
adj.无活动能力的,惰性的;迟钝的 | |
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61 sentimental | |
adj.多愁善感的,感伤的 | |
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62 liturgical | |
adj.礼拜仪式的 | |
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63 ascend | |
vi.渐渐上升,升高;vt.攀登,登上 | |
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64 flaring | |
a.火焰摇曳的,过份艳丽的 | |
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65 indifference | |
n.不感兴趣,不关心,冷淡,不在乎 | |
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66 benediction | |
n.祝福;恩赐 | |
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67 clergy | |
n.[总称]牧师,神职人员 | |
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68 bishop | |
n.主教,(国际象棋)象 | |
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69 confirmation | |
n.证实,确认,批准 | |
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70 placid | |
adj.安静的,平和的 | |
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71 helping | |
n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的,辅助的 | |
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72 exquisite | |
adj.精美的;敏锐的;剧烈的,感觉强烈的 | |
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73 lucidity | |
n.明朗,清晰,透明 | |
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74 alas | |
int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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75 tolerance | |
n.宽容;容忍,忍受;耐药力;公差 | |
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76 deference | |
n.尊重,顺从;敬意 | |
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77 inviting | |
adj.诱人的,引人注目的 | |
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78 memorable | |
adj.值得回忆的,难忘的,特别的,显著的 | |
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79 patronage | |
n.赞助,支援,援助;光顾,捧场 | |
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80 disciple | |
n.信徒,门徒,追随者 | |
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81 simplicity | |
n.简单,简易;朴素;直率,单纯 | |
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82 scorched | |
烧焦,烤焦( scorch的过去式和过去分词 ); 使(植物)枯萎,把…晒枯; 高速行驶; 枯焦 | |
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83 withdrawal | |
n.取回,提款;撤退,撤军;收回,撤销 | |
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84 possessed | |
adj.疯狂的;拥有的,占有的 | |
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85 fiery | |
adj.燃烧着的,火红的;暴躁的;激烈的 | |
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