Chapter 37

 Sep. 21, 1900.

I am climbing, climbing, hour by hour, slowly and cautiously, out of the darkness, as a man climbs up some dizzy crag, never turning his head—yet not back to life! I shall not achieve that.

How strange it would seem to others that I can care to write thus—it seems strange even to myself. If ever, in life, I looked on to these twilight¹ hours, with the end coming slowly nearer, I thought I should lie in a kind of stupor² of mind and body, indifferent to everything. I am indifferent, with the indifference³ of one in whom desire seems to be dead; but my mind is, or seems, almost preternaturally clear; and the old habit, of trying to analyse, to describe, anything that I see or realise distinctly is too strong for me. I have asked for pencil and paper; they demur⁴, but yield; and so I write a little, which relieves the occasional physical restlessness I feel; it induces a power of tranquil⁵ reverie, and the hours pass, I hardly[246] know how. The light changes; the morning freshness becomes the grave and solid afternoon, and so dies into twilight; till out of the dark alleys⁶ steals the gentle evening, dark-eyed and with the evening star tangled⁷ in her hair, full of shy sweet virginal thoughts and mysteries ... and then the night, and the day again.

Do I grieve, do I repine, do I fear? No, I can truthfully say, I do not. I hardly seem to feel. Almost the only feeling left me is the old childlike trustfulness in mother and nurse. I do not seem to need to tell them anything. One or other sits near me. I feel my mother’s eyes dwell upon me, till I look up and smile; but between our very minds there runs, as it were, an airy bridge, on which the swift thoughts, the messengers of love, speed to and fro. I seem, in the loss of all the superstructure and fabric⁸ of life, to have nothing left to tie me to the world, but this sense of unity⁹ with my mother—that inseparable, elemental tie that nothing can break. And she, I know, feels this too; and it gives her, though she could not describe it, a strange elation¹⁰ in the midst of her sorrow, the joy that a man is born into the world, and that I am hers.

[247]

A Mother’s Heart

With the beloved nurse it is the same in a sense; but here it is not the deep inextricable bond of blood, but the bond of perfect love. I lose myself in wonder in thinking of it; that one who is hired—that is the strange basis of the relationship—for a simple task, should become absolutely identified with love, with those whom she serves. I do not believe that Susan has a single thought or desire in the world that is not centred on my mother or myself. The tie between us is simply indissoluble. And I feel that if we wandered, we three spirits, disconsolate¹¹ and separate, through the trackless solitudes¹² of heaven, she would somehow find her way to my side.

I have noticed that since my illness began she has slipped into the use of little nursery phrases which I have not heard for years; I have become “Master Henry” again, and am told to “look slippy” about taking my medicine. This would have moved me in other days with a sense of pathos¹³; it is not so now, though the knowledge that these two beloved, sweet-minded, loving women suffer, is the one shadow over my tranquillity¹⁴. If I could only explain to them that my sadness for their sorrow[248] is drowned in my wonder at the strangeness that any one should ever sorrow at all for anything!

[249]

1 twilight   

n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期

参考例句：

• Twilight merged into darkness.夕阳的光辉融于黑暗中。
• Twilight was sweet with the smell of lilac and freshly turned earth.薄暮充满紫丁香和新翻耕的泥土的香味。

2 stupor   

v.昏迷；不省人事

参考例句：

• As the whisky took effect, he gradually fell into a drunken stupor.随着威士忌酒力发作，他逐渐醉得不省人事。
• The noise of someone banging at the door roused her from her stupor.梆梆的敲门声把她从昏迷中唤醒了。

3 indifference   

n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎

参考例句：

• I was disappointed by his indifference more than somewhat.他的漠不关心使我很失望。
• He feigned indifference to criticism of his work.他假装毫不在意别人批评他的作品。

4 demur   

v．表示异议，反对

参考例句：

• Without demur, they joined the party in my rooms. 他们没有推辞就到我的屋里一起聚餐了。
• He accepted the criticism without demur. 他毫无异议地接受了批评。

5 tranquil   

adj. 安静的, 宁静的, 稳定的, 不变的

参考例句：

• The boy disturbed the tranquil surface of the pond with a stick. 那男孩用棍子打破了平静的池面。
• The tranquil beauty of the village scenery is unique. 这乡村景色的宁静是绝无仅有的。

6 alleys   

胡同，小巷( alley的名词复数 )； 小径

参考例句：

• I followed him through a maze of narrow alleys. 我紧随他穿过一条条迂迴曲折的窄巷。
• The children lead me through the maze of alleys to the edge of the city. 孩子们领我穿过迷宫一般的街巷，来到城边。

7 tangled   

adj. 纠缠的，紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词

参考例句：

• Your hair's so tangled that I can't comb it. 你的头发太乱了，我梳不动。
• A movement caught his eye in the tangled undergrowth. 乱灌木丛里的晃动引起了他的注意。

8 fabric   

n.织物，织品，布；构造，结构，组织

参考例句：

• The fabric will spot easily.这种织品很容易玷污。
• I don't like the pattern on the fabric.我不喜欢那块布料上的图案。

9 unity   

n.团结，联合，统一；和睦，协调

参考例句：

• When we speak of unity,we do not mean unprincipled peace.所谓团结，并非一团和气。
• We must strengthen our unity in the face of powerful enemies.大敌当前，我们必须加强团结。

10 elation   

n.兴高采烈，洋洋得意

参考例句：

• She showed her elation at having finally achieved her ambition.最终实现了抱负，她显得十分高兴。
• His supporters have reacted to the news with elation.他的支持者听到那条消息后兴高采烈。

11 disconsolate   

adj.忧郁的，不快的

参考例句：

• He looked so disconsolate that It'scared her.他看上去情绪很坏，吓了她一跳。
• At the dress rehearsal she was disconsolate.彩排时她闷闷不乐。

12 solitudes   

n.独居( solitude的名词复数 )；孤独；荒僻的地方；人迹罕至的地方

参考例句：

• Africa is going at last to give up the secret of its vast solitudes. 非洲无边无际的荒野的秘密就要被揭穿了。 来自辞典例句
• The scientist has spent six months in the solitudes of the Antarctic. 这位科学家已经在人迹罕至的南极待了六个月了。 来自互联网

13 pathos   

n.哀婉，悲怆

参考例句：

• The pathos of the situation brought tears to our eyes.情况令人怜悯，看得我们不禁流泪。
• There is abundant pathos in her words.她的话里富有动人哀怜的力量。

14 tranquillity   

n. 平静, 安静

参考例句：

• The phenomenon was so striking and disturbing that his philosophical tranquillity vanished. 这个令人惶惑不安的现象，扰乱了他的旷达宁静的心境。
• My value for domestic tranquillity should much exceed theirs. 我应该远比他们重视家庭的平静生活。