—Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar.
FROM DIARY:
Royal Hotel. Comfortable, good table, good service of natives and Madrasis. Curious jumble1 of modern and ancient city and village, primitiveness2 and the other thing. Electric bells, but they don’t ring. Asked why they didn’t, the watchman in the office said he thought they must be out of order; he thought so because some of them rang, but most of them didn’t. Wouldn’t it be a good idea to put them in order? He hesitated—like one who isn’t quite sure—then conceded the point.
May 7. A bang on the door at 6. Did I want my boots cleaned? Fifteen minutes later another bang. Did we want coffee? Fifteen later, bang again, my wife’s bath ready; 15 later, my bath ready. Two other bangs; I forget what they were about. Then lots of shouting back and forth3, among the servants just as in an Indian hotel.
Evening. At 4 P.M. it was unpleasantly warm. Half-hour after sunset one needed a spring overcoat; by 8 a winter one.
Durban is a neat and clean town. One notices that without having his attention called to it.
Rickshaws drawn4 by splendidly built black Zulus, so overflowing5 with strength, seemingly, that it is a pleasure, not a pain, to see them snatch a rickshaw along. They smile and laugh and show their teeth—a good-natured lot. Not allowed to drink; 2s per hour for one person; 3s for two; 3d for a course—one person.
The chameleon6 in the hotel court. He is fat and indolent and contemplative; but is business-like and capable when a fly comes about—reaches out a tongue like a teaspoon7 and takes him in. He gums his tongue first. He is always pious8, in his looks. And pious and thankful both, when Providence9 or one of us sends him a fly. He has a froggy head, and a back like a new grave—for shape; and hands like a bird’s toes that have been frostbitten. But his eyes are his exhibition feature. A couple of skinny cones10 project from the sides of his head, with a wee shiny bead11 of an eye set in the apex12 of each; and these cones turn bodily like pivot-guns and point every-which-way, and they are independent of each other; each has its own exclusive machinery13. When I am behind him and C. in front of him, he whirls one eye rearwards and the other forwards—which gives him a most Congressional expression (one eye on the constituency and one on the swag); and then if something happens above and below him he shoots out one eye upward like a telescope and the other downward—and this changes his expression, but does not improve it.
Natives must not be out after the curfew bell without a pass. In Natal14 there are ten blacks to one white.
Sturdy plump creatures are the women. They comb their wool up to a peak and keep it in position by stiffening15 it with brown-red clay—half of this tower colored, denotes engagement; the whole of it colored denotes marriage.
May 9. A drive yesterday with friends over the Berea. Very fine roads and lofty, overlooking the whole town, the harbor, and the sea-beautiful views. Residences all along, set in the midst of green lawns with shrubs17 and generally one or two intensely red outbursts of poinsettia—the flaming splotch of blinding red a stunning18 contrast with the world of surrounding green. The cactus19 tree—candelabrum-like; and one twisted like gray writhing20 serpents. The “flat-crown” (should be flat-roof)—half a dozen naked branches full of elbows, slant21 upward like artificial supports, and fling a roof of delicate foliage22 out in a horizontal platform as flat as a floor; and you look up through this thin floor as through a green cobweb or veil. The branches are japanesich. All about you is a bewildering variety of unfamiliar23 and beautiful trees; one sort wonderfully dense24 foliage and very dark green—so dark that you notice it at once, notwithstanding there are so many orange trees. The “flamboyant”—not in flower, now, but when in flower lives up to its name, we are told. Another tree with a lovely upright tassel25 scattered26 among its rich greenery, red and glowing as a firecoal. Here and there a gum-tree; half a dozen lofty Norfolk Island pines lifting their fronded27 arms skyward. Groups of tall bamboo.
Saw one bird. Not many birds here, and they have no music—and the flowers not much smell, they grow so fast.
Everything neat and trim and clean like the town. The loveliest trees and the greatest variety I have ever seen anywhere, except approaching Darjeeling. Have not heard anyone call Natal the garden of South Africa, but that is what it probably is.
It was when Bishop28 of Natal that Colenso raised such a storm in the religious world. The concerns of religion are a vital matter here yet. A vigilant29 eye is kept upon Sunday. Museums and other dangerous resorts are not allowed to be open. You may sail on the Bay, but it is wicked to play cricket. For a while a Sunday concert was tolerated, upon condition that it must be admission free and the money taken by collection. But the collection was alarmingly large and that stopped the matter. They are particular about babies. A clergyman would not bury a child according to the sacred rites30 because it had not been baptized. The Hindoo is more liberal. He burns no child under three, holding that it does not need purifying.
The King of the Zulus, a fine fellow of 30, was banished31 six years ago for a term of seven years. He is occupying Napoleon’s old stand—St. Helena. The people are a little nervous about having him come back, and they may well be, for Zulu kings have been terrible people sometimes—like Tchaka, Dingaan, and Cetewayo.
There is a large Trappist monastery32 two hours from Durban, over the country roads, and in company with Mr. Milligan and Mr. Hunter, general manager of the Natal government railways, who knew the heads of it, we went out to see it.
There it all was, just as one reads about it in books and cannot believe that it is so—I mean the rough, hard work, the impossible hours, the scanty33 food, the coarse raiment, the Maryborough beds, the tabu of human speech, of social intercourse34, of relaxation35, of amusement, of entertainment, of the presence of woman in the men’s establishment. There it all was. It was not a dream, it was not a lie. And yet with the fact before one’s face it was still incredible. It is such a sweeping36 suppression of human instincts, such an extinction37 of the man as an individual.
La Trappe must have known the human race well. The scheme which he invented hunts out everything that a man wants and values—and withholds38 it from him. Apparently39 there is no detail that can help make life worth living that has not been carefully ascertained40 and placed out of the Trappist’s reach. La Trappe must have known that there were men who would enjoy this kind of misery41, but how did he find it out?
If he had consulted you or me he would have been told that his scheme lacked too many attractions; that it was impossible; that it could never be floated. But there in the monastery was proof that he knew the human race better than it knew itself. He set his foot upon every desire that a man has—yet he floated his project, and it has prospered42 for two hundred years, and will go on prospering43 forever, no doubt.
Man likes personal distinction—there in the monastery it is obliterated44. He likes delicious food—there he gets beans and bread and tea, and not enough of it. He likes to lie softly—there he lies on a sand mattress45, and has a pillow and a blanket, but no sheet. When he is dining, in a great company of friends, he likes to laugh and chat—there a monk46 reads a holy book aloud during meals, and nobody speaks or laughs. When a man has a hundred friends about him, evenings, he likes to have a good time and run late—there he and the rest go silently to bed at 8; and in the dark, too; there is but a loose brown robe to discard, there are no night-clothes to put on, a light is not needed. Man likes to lie abed late—there he gets up once or twice in the night to perform some religious office, and gets up finally for the day at two in the morning. Man likes light work or none at all—there he labors47 all day in the field, or in the blacksmith shop or the other shops devoted48 to the mechanical trades, such as shoemaking, saddlery, carpentry, and so on. Man likes the society of girls and women—there he never has it. He likes to have his children about him, and pet them and play with them—there he has none. He likes billiards—there is no table there. He likes outdoor sports and indoor dramatic and musical and social entertainments—there are none there. He likes to bet on things—I was told that betting is forbidden there. When a man’s temper is up he likes to pour it out upon somebody there this is not allowed. A man likes animals—pets; there are none there. He likes to smoke—there he cannot do it. He likes to read the news—no papers or magazines come there. A man likes to know how his parents and brothers and sisters are getting along when he is away, and if they miss him—there he cannot know. A man likes a pretty house, and pretty furniture, and pretty things, and pretty colors—there he has nothing but naked aridity49 and sombre colors. A man likes—name it yourself: whatever it is, it is absent from that place.
From what I could learn, all that a man gets for this is merely the saving of his soul.
It all seems strange, incredible, impossible. But La Trappe knew the race. He knew the powerful attraction of unattractiveness; he knew that no life could be imagined, howsoever comfortless and forbidding, but somebody would want to try it.
This parent establishment of Germans began its work fifteen years ago, strangers, poor, and unencouraged; it owns 15,000 acres of land now, and raises grain and fruit, and makes wines, and manufactures all manner of things, and has native apprentices50 in its shops, and sends them forth able to read and write, and also well equipped to earn their living by their trades. And this young establishment has set up eleven branches in South Africa, and in them they are christianizing and educating and teaching wage-yielding mechanical trades to 1,200 boys and girls. Protestant Missionary51 work is coldly regarded by the commercial white colonist52 all over the heathen world, as a rule, and its product is nicknamed “rice-Christians” (occupationless incapables who join the church for revenue only), but I think it would be difficult to pick a flaw in the work of these Catholic monks53, and I believe that the disposition54 to attempt it has not shown itself.
Tuesday, May 12. Transvaal politics in a confused condition. First the sentencing of the Johannesburg Reformers startled England by its severity; on the top of this came Kruger’s exposure of the cipher55 correspondence, which showed that the invasion of the Transvaal, with the design of seizing that country and adding it to the British Empire, was planned by Cecil Rhodes and Beit—which made a revulsion in English feeling, and brought out a storm against Rhodes and the Chartered Company for degrading British honor. For a good while I couldn’t seem to get at a clear comprehension of it, it was so tangled56. But at last by patient study I have managed it, I believe. As I understand it, the Uitlanders and other Dutchmen were dissatisfied because the English would not allow them to take any part in the government except to pay taxes. Next, as I understand it, Dr. Kruger and Dr. Jameson, not having been able to make the medical business pay, made a raid into Matabeleland with the intention of capturing the capital, Johannesburg, and holding the women and children to ransom57 until the Uitlanders and the other Boers should grant to them and the Chartered Company the political rights which had been withheld58 from them. They would have succeeded in this great scheme, as I understand it, but for the interference of Cecil Rhodes and Mr. Beit, and other Chiefs of the Matabele, who persuaded their countrymen to revolt and throw off their allegiance to Germany. This, in turn, as I understand it, provoked the King of Abyssinia to destroy the Italian army and fall back upon Johannesburg; this at the instigation of Rhodes, to bull the stock market.
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1
jumble
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| vt.使混乱，混杂；n.混乱；杂乱的一堆 | |
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primitiveness
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| 原始，原始性 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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overflowing
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| n. 溢出物,溢流 adj. 充沛的，充满的 动词overflow的现在分词形式 | |
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chameleon
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| n.变色龙，蜥蜴；善变之人 | |
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teaspoon
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| n.茶匙 | |
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8
pious
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| adj.虔诚的；道貌岸然的 | |
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providence
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| n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝 | |
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cones
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| n.（人眼）圆锥细胞；圆锥体( cone的名词复数 )；球果；圆锥形东西；（盛冰淇淋的）锥形蛋卷筒 | |
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bead
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| n.念珠；(pl.)珠子项链；水珠 | |
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apex
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| n.顶点，最高点 | |
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machinery
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| n.(总称)机械，机器；机构 | |
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natal
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| adj.出生的，先天的 | |
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stiffening
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| n. (使衣服等)变硬的材料, 硬化 动词stiffen的现在分词形式 | |
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Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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17
shrubs
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| 灌木( shrub的名词复数 ) | |
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stunning
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| adj.极好的；使人晕倒的 | |
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cactus
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| n.仙人掌 | |
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writhing
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| （因极度痛苦而）扭动或翻滚( writhe的现在分词 ) | |
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slant
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| v.倾斜，倾向性地编写或报道；n.斜面，倾向 | |
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foliage
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| n.叶子，树叶，簇叶 | |
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unfamiliar
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| adj.陌生的，不熟悉的 | |
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24
dense
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| a.密集的，稠密的，浓密的；密度大的 | |
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tassel
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| n.流苏，穗；v.抽穗， （玉米）长穗须 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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fronded
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| 前移的 | |
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28
bishop
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| n.主教，（国际象棋）象 | |
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29
vigilant
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| adj.警觉的，警戒的，警惕的 | |
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30
rites
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| 仪式，典礼( rite的名词复数 ) | |
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31
banished
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| v.放逐，驱逐( banish的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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monastery
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| n.修道院，僧院，寺院 | |
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33
scanty
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| adj.缺乏的，仅有的，节省的，狭小的，不够的 | |
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intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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relaxation
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| n.松弛，放松；休息；消遣；娱乐 | |
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sweeping
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| adj.范围广大的，一扫无遗的 | |
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extinction
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| n.熄灭，消亡，消灭，灭绝，绝种 | |
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38
withholds
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| v.扣留( withhold的第三人称单数 )；拒绝给予；抑制（某事物）；制止 | |
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39
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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ascertained
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| v.弄清，确定，查明( ascertain的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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41
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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42
prospered
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| 成功，兴旺( prosper的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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43
prospering
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| 成功，兴旺( prosper的现在分词 ) | |
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44
obliterated
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| v.除去( obliterate的过去式和过去分词 )；涂去；擦掉；彻底破坏或毁灭 | |
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45
mattress
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| n.床垫，床褥 | |
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46
monk
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| n.和尚，僧侣，修道士 | |
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47
labors
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| v.努力争取(for)( labor的第三人称单数 )；苦干；详细分析；（指引擎）缓慢而困难地运转 | |
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48
devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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49
aridity
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| n.干旱，乏味；干燥性；荒芜 | |
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50
apprentices
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| 学徒，徒弟( apprentice的名词复数 ) | |
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51
missionary
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| adj.教会的，传教(士)的；n.传教士 | |
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52
colonist
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| n.殖民者，移民 | |
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53
monks
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| n.修道士，僧侣( monk的名词复数 ) | |
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54
disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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55
cipher
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| n.零；无影响力的人；密码 | |
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56
tangled
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| adj. 纠缠的，紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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57
ransom
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| n.赎金，赎身；v.赎回，解救 | |
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58
withheld
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| withhold过去式及过去分词 | |
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