THE EXPENSE OF THIS TWO DAYS' ENTERTAINMENT DRAINED the Treasury1 and the Privy2 Purse completely dry. To make things worse Caligula, instead of returning the vessels3 to their masters and crew, ordered the breach4 in the bridge to be repaired and then, riding back to Rome, busied himself with other affairs. Neptune5, to prove himself no coward, sent a heavy storm at the bridge from the west and sank about a thousand ships. Most of the rest dragged their anchors and were driven ashore6. About two thousand rode the storm out or were hauled in on the beach for safety, but the loss of the rest caused a great shortage of ships for the carriage of corn from Egypt and Africa, and so a serious food-shortage in the City. Caligula swore to be revenged on Neptune. His new ways of raising money were most ingenious and amused all but the victims and their friends or dependants7. For instance, any young men whom he put so deeply in his debt by fines or confiscations that they became his slaves he sent to the sword-fighting schools. When they were trained he put them into the amphitheatre to fight for their lives. His only expense in this was their board and lodgings8: being his slaves they were given no payment. If they were killed, there was an end of them. If they were victorious9 he auctioned10 them off to the magistrates13 whose duty it was to give similar contests-lots were drawn14 for this distinction-and to anyone else who cared to bid. He ran up the prices to an absurd height by pretending that people had made bids when they had done no more than scratch their heads or rub their noses. My nervous toss of the head got me into great trouble: I was saddled with three sword-fighters at an average of two thousand gold pieces each. But I was luckier than a magistrate12 called Aponius who fell asleep during the auction11. Caligula sold him sword-fighters whom nobody else seemed to fancy, raising the bid every time his head nodded on his breast when he woke up he found he had no less than ninety thousand gold pieces to pay for thirteen sword-fighters whom he did not in the least want. One of the swordfighters I had bought was a very good performer, but Caligula betted against him heavily with me. When the day came for him to fight he could hardly stand and was easily beaten. It appears that Caligula had drugged his food. Many rich men came to these auctions15 and willingly bid large sums, not because they wanted sword-fighters but because if they loosened their purse-strings now Caligula would be less likely to bring some charge against them later and rob them of their lives as well as of their money.
An amusing thing happened on the day that my swordfighter was beaten. Caligula had betted heavily with me against five net-and-trident men who were matched against an equal number of chasers armed with sword and shield. I was resigned to losing the thousand gold pieces that he had made me bet against five thousand of his own; for as soon as the fight began I could see that the net-men had been bribed16 to give the fight away. I was sitting next to Caligula and said: "Well, you seem likely to win, but it's my opinion that those net-men aren't doing their best." One by one the chasers rounded up the net-men, who surrendered, and finally all five were lying with their faces in the sand and each with a chaser standing17 over him with a raised sword. The audience turned their thumbs downwards18 as a signal that they should be killed. Caligula, as the President, had a right to take this advice or not, as he pleased. He took it. "Kill them!" he shouted. "They didn't try to win!" This was hard luck on the net-men, to whom he had secretly promised their lives if they allowed themselves to be beaten; for I wasn't by any means the only man who had been forced to bet on them-he stood to win eighty thousand if they lost. Well, one of them felt so sore at being cheated that he suddenly grappled with his chaser, overturned him and managed to pick up a trident, which was lying not far off, and a net, and dash away. You wouldn't believe it, but I won my five thousand after all! First that angry net-man killed two chasers who had their backs to him and were busy acknowledging the cheers of the audience after dispatching their victims, and then he killed the other three, one by one, as they came running at him, each a few paces behind the other. Caligula wept for vexation and exclaimed, "Oh, the monster! Look, he's killed five promising21 young swordsmen with that horrible trout-spear of his!" When I say that I won my five thousand, I mean that I would have won it if I hadn't been. tactful enough to call the bet off. "For one man to kill five isn't fair fighting," I said.
Up to this time Caligula had always spoken of Tiberius as a thorough scoundrel and encouraged everyone else to do the same. But one day he entered the Senate and delivered a long eulogy22 on him, saying that he had been a much misunderstood man and that nobody must speak a word against him. "In my capacity as Emperor I have the right to criticize him if I please, but you have no right. In fact, you are guilty of treason. The other day a senator said in a speech that my brothers Nero and Drusus were murdered by Tiberius after having been imprisoned23 on false charges. What an amazing thing to say!" Then he produced the records which he had pretended to bum24, and read lengthy25 extracts. He showed that the Senate had not questioned the evidence collected against his brothers by Tiberius, but had unanimously voted for them to be handed over to him for punishment. Some had even volunteered testimony26 against them. Caligula said: "If you knew that the evidence which Tiberius laid before you (in all good faith) was false, then you are the murderers, not he; and it is only since he has been dead that you have dared to blame your cruelty and treachery on him. Or if you thought at the time that the evidence was true, then he was no murderer and you are treasonably defaming his character. Or if you thought that it was false and that he knew it was false, then you were as guilty of murder as he was, and cowards too." He frowned heavily in imitation of Tiberius and made Tiberius's sharp chopping motion of the hand, which brought back frightening memories of treason-trials, and said in Tiberius's harsh voice, "Well spoken, my Son! You can't trust any one of these curs farther than you can kick him. Look what a little God they made of Sejanus before they turned and tore him to pieces! They'll do the same to you if they get half a chance. They all hate you and pray for your death. My advice to you is, consult no interest but your own and put pleasure before everything. Nobody likes being ruled over, and the only way that I kept my place was by making this trash afraid of me. Do the same. The worse you treat them, the more they'll honour you."
Caligula then reintroduced treason as a capital crime, ordered his speech to be at once engraved29 on a bronze tablet and posted on the wall of the House above the seats of the Consuls30, and rushed away. No more business was transacted31 that day: we were all too dejected. But the next day we lavished32 praise on Caligula as a sincere and pious33 ruler and voted annual sacrifices to his Clemency34. What else could we do? He had the Army at his back, and power of life and death over us, and until someone was bold and clever enough to mate a successful conspiracy35 against his life all that we could do was to humour him and hope for the best. At a banquet a few nights later he suddenly burst into a most extraordinary howl of laughter. Nobody knew what the joke was. The two Consuls, who sat next to him, asked whether they might be graciously permitted to share in it. At this Caligula laughed even louder, the tears starting from his eyes. "No," he choked, "that's just the point. It's a joke that you wouldn't think at all funny. I was laughing to think that with one nod of my head I could have both your throats cut on the spot." .'
Charges of treason were now brought against the twenty reputedly wealthiest men in Rome. They were given no chance of committing suicide before the trial and all condemned36 to death. One of them, a senior magistrate, proved to have been quite poor. Caligula said: "The idiot! Why did he pretend to have money? I was quite taken in. He need not have died at all." I can only remember a single man who escaped with his life from a charge of treason. That was Afer, the man who had prosecuted37 my cousin Pulchra, a lawyer famous for his eloquence38. His crime was having put an inscription39 on a statue of Caligula in the hall of his house, to the effect that the Emperor in his twenty-seventh year was already Consul28 for the second time. Caligula found this treasonable-a sneer40 at his youth and a reproach against him for having held the office before he was legally capable of doing so. He composed a long, careful speech against Afer and delivered it in the Senate with all the oratorical41 force at his command, every gesture and tone carefully rehearsed beforehand. Caligula used to boast that he was the best lawyer and orator42 in the world, and was even more anxious to outshine Afer in eloquence than to secure his condemnation43 and confiscate44 his money. Afer realized this and pretended to be astonished and overcome by Caligula's genius as a prosecutor45. He repeated the counts against himself, point by point, praising them with a professional detachment and muttering "Yes, that's quite unanswerable" and "He's got the last ounce of weight out of that argument" and "A very real dilemma46" and "What extraordinary command of language!" When Caligula had finished and sat down with a triumphant47 grin, Afer was asked if he had anything to say. He answered: "Nothing except that I consider myself most unlucky. I had counted on using my oratorical gifts as some slight offset48 against the Emperor's anger with me for my inexcusable thoughtlessness in the matter of that cursed inscription. But Fate has weighted the dice49 far too heavily against me. The Emperor has absolute power, a clear case against me, and a thousand times more eloquence than I could ever hope to achieve even if I escaped sentence and studied until I was a centenarian." He was condemned to death, but reprieved50 the next day.
Speaking of weighted dice-when rich provincials51 came to the City they were always invited to dinner at the Palace and a friendly gamble afterwards. They were astonished and dismayed by the Emperor's luck: he threw Venus every time and skinned them of all they had. Yes, Caligula always played with weighted dice. For instance, he now removed the Consuls from office and fined them heavily on the ground that they had celebrated52 the usual festival in honour of Augustus's victory over Antony at Actium. He said that it was an insult to his ancestor Antony. (By the way. he appointed Afer to one of the vacant Consulships.) He had told us at dinner a few days before the festival that whatever the Consuls did he would punish them: for if they refrained from celebrating the festival they would be insulting his ancestor Augustus. It was on this occasion that Ganymede made a fatal mistake. He cried: "You are clever, my dear! You catch them every way. But the poor idiots will celebrate the festival, if they have any sense; because Agrippa did most of the work at Actium and he was your ancestor too, so they will at least be honouring two of your ancestors of three."
Caligula said: "Ganymede, we are no longer friends."
"Oh," said Ganymede, "don't tell me that my dear! I said nothing to offend you, did I?"
"Leave the table," ordered Caligula.
I knew at once what Ganymede's mistake was. It was a double one. Ganymede, as Caligula's cousin on the maternal53 side, was descended54 from Augustus and Agrippa, but not from Antony. All his ancestors had been of Augustus's party. So he should have been careful to avoid the subject.
And Caligula disliked any reminder55 of his descent from Agrippa, a man of undistinguished family. But he took no action against Ganymede yet.
He divorced Lollia, saying that she was barren, and married a woman called Caesonia. She was neither young nor good-looking and was the daughter of a captain of the Watchmen, and married to a baker56, or some such person, by whom she already had three children. But there was something about her that attracted Caligula in a way that nobody could explain, himself least of all. He used often to say that he would fetch the secret out of her, even if he had to do it with the fiddle-string torture, why it was that he loved her so entirely57. It was said that she won him with a love-philtre, and further that it sent him mad. But the love-philtre is only a guess, and he had begun to go mad long before he met her. In any case, she was with child by him and he was so excited at the thought of being a -parent that, as I say, he married her. It was shortly after his marriage with Cassonia that he first publicly declared his own Divinity. He visited the temple of Jove on the Capitoline f Hill. Apelles was with him. He asked Apelles, "Who's the greater God-Jove or myself?" Apelles hesitated, thinking that Caligula was joking, and not wishing to blaspheme Jove in Jove's own temple. Caligula whistled two Germans up and had Apelles stripped and whipped in sight or Jove's statue. "Not so fast," Caligula told the Germans. "Slowly, | so that he feels it more." They whipped him until he fainted, and then revived him with holy water and whipped H" him until he died. Caligula then sent letters to the Senate announcing his Divinity and ordered the immediate58 building of a great shrine59 next door to the temple of Jove, "in order that I may dwell with my brother Jove". Here he set up an image of himself, three times the size of life, made of solid gold and dressed every day in new clothes.
But he soon quarrelled with Jove and was heard to threaten him angrily: "If you can't realize who's master here I'll pack you off to Greece." Jove was understood to apologize, and Caligula said: "Oh, keep your wretched Capitoline Hill. I'll go to the Palatine. It's a much finer situation. I'll build a temple there worthy60 of myself, you shabby old belly-rumbling fraud." Another curious thing happened when he visited the temple of Diana in company with a former governor of Syria called Vitellius. Vitellius had done very well out there, having surprised the King of Parthia, who was about to invade the province, by a forced march across the Euphrates. Caught on ground unfavourable for battle the Parthian King was obliged to sign a humiliating peace and give his sons up as hostages. I should have mentioned that Caligula had the eldest61 son as a prisoner with him in his chariot when he drove across the bridge. Well, Caligula was jealous of Vitellius and would have put him to death if Vitellius had not been warned by me (he was a friend of mine) what to do. A letter from me was waiting for him at Brindisi when he arrived, and as soon as he reached Rome and was admitted to Caligula's presence he fell prostrate62 and worshipped him as a God. This was before the news of Caligula's Divinity was officially known, so Caligula thought it was a genuine tribute. Vitellius became his intimate friend and showed his gratitude63 to me in many ways. As I was saying, Caligula was in Diana's temple talking to the Goddess-not the statue but an invisible presence. He asked Vitellius whether he could see her too, or only the moonlight. .Vitellius trembled violently, as if in awe64, and keeping his eyes fixed65 on the ground said: "Only you Gods, my Lord, are privileged to behold66 one another."
Caligula was pleased. "She's very beautiful, Vitellius, and often comes to sleep with me at the Palace."
It was about this time that I got into trouble again. I thought at first that it was a plot of Caligula's to get rid of me. I am still not so sure that it was not. An acquaintance of mine, a man I used to play dice with a good deal, forged a will and took the trouble to forge my seal to it as witness. Lucidly67 for me he had not noticed a tiny chip on the edge of the agate68 seal-gem, which always left its mark on the wax. When I was suddenly arrested for conspiracy to defraud69 and brought to Court, I bribed a soldier to carry a secret appeal to my friend Vitellius, begging him to save my life as I had saved his. I asked him to hint about the chip to Caligula, who was judging the case, and to have a genuine seal of mine ready for Caligula to compare with the forged one. But Caligula must be encouraged to find the difference for himself and to take all the credit. Vitellius managed the affair very tactfully. Caligula noticed the chip, boasted of his quickness of eye and absolved70 me with a stem warning to be more careful in future about my. associates. The forger71 had his hands cut off and hung around his neck as a warning. If I had been found guilty I 'would have lost my head. Caligula told me so at supper that night.
I replied; "Most merciful God, I really don't understand why you trouble so much about my life."
It is the nature of nephews to enjoy an uncle's flattery. He unbent a little and asked me, with a wink73 to the rest of the table, "And what precise valuation would you put on your life to-night, may I ask?"
"I have worked it out already: one farthing."
"And how do you arrive at so modest a figure?"
"Every life has an assessable value. The ransom74 that Julius Caesar's family actually paid the pirates who had captured him and threatened to kill him-though they asked a great deal more than this at first-was no more than twenty thousand in gold. So Julius Caesar's life was actually worth no more than twenty thousand. My wife Elia was once attacked by footpads, but persuaded them to spare her life by handing over an amethyst75 brooch worth only fifty. So Elia was worth only fifty. My life has just been saved by a chip of agate weighing, I should Judge, no more than the fortieth part of a scruple76. That quality of agate is worth perhaps as much as a silver-piece a scruple. The chip, if one could find it, which would be difficult, or find a buyer, which would be still more difficult, would therefore be worth one fortieth part of a silver piece, or exactly one farthing. So my life is also worth exactly one farthing-"
"If you could find a buyer," he roared, delighted with his own wit. How everybody cheered, myself included! For a long time after this I was called "Teruncius" Claudius at the Palace, instead of Tiberius Claudius. Teruncius is Latin for farthing.
For his worship he had to have priests. He was his own High Priest and his subordinates were myself, Cassonia, Vitellius, Ganymede, fourteen ex-Consuls and his noble friend the horse Incitatus. Each of these subordinates had to pay eighty thousand gold pieces for the honour. He helped Incitatus to raise the money by imposing77 a yearly tribute in his name on all the horses in Italy: if they did not pay they would be sent to the knackers. He helped Caesonia to raise the money by imposing a tax in her name on all married men for the privilege of sleeping with their wives. Ganymede, Vitellius and the others were rich men though in some instances they had to sell property at a loss to get the hundred thousand in cash at short notice, they still remained comfortably off. Not so poor Claudius. Caligula's previous tricks in selling me sword-fighters, and charging me heavily for the privilege of sleeping and boarding at the Palace, had left me with a mere78 thirty thousand in cash, and no property to sell except my small estate at Capua and the house left me by my mother. I paid Caligula the thirty thousand and told him the same night at dinner that I was putting up all my property for sale at once to enable me to pay him the remainder when I found a buyer. "I've nothing else to sell," I said. Caligula thought this a great joke. "Nothing at all to sell? Why, what about the clothes you're wearing?"
By this time I had found it wisest to pretend I was quite half-witted. "By Heaven," I said. "I forgot all about them. Will you be good enough to auction them for me to the company? You're the most wonderful auctioneer in the world' I began stripping off all my clothes until I had on nothing but a table-napkin which I hastily wrapped round my loins. He sold my sandals to someone for a hundred gold pieces each, and my gown for a thousand, and so on, and each time I expressed my boisterous79 delight. He then wanted to auction the napkin. I said, "My natural modesty80 would not prevent me from sacrificing my last rag, if the money it brought in helped me to pay the rest of the fee. But in this case, alas81, something more powerful even than modesty prevents me from selling."
Caligula frowned. "What's that? What's stronger than modesty?"
"My veneration82 for yourself, Caesar. It's your own napkin. One that you had graciously set for my use at this excellent meal."
This little play only reduced my debt by three thousand. But it did convince Caligula of my poverty.
I had to give up my rooms and my place at table, and lodged83 for a time with old Briseis, my mother's former maid, who was caretaker of the house until it found a buyer. Calpumia came to live with me there, and would you believe it, the dear girl still had the money which I had given her instead of necklaces and marmosets and silk dresses, and offered to lend it to me. And what was -more my cattle hadn't really died as she pretended, nor had the ricks burned. It was just a trick to sell them secretly at a good price and put the money aside for an emergency. She paid it all over to me-two thousand gold pieces-together with an exact account of the transactions signed by my steward84. So we managed pretty well. But to keep up the pretence85 of absolute poverty I used to go out with a jug86 every night, using a crutch87 instead of a sedan-chair, and buy wine from the taverns88.
Old Briseis used to say, "Master Claudius, people all think that I was your mother's freedwoman. It isn't so. I became your slave when you first grew up to be Master, and it was you who gave me my freedom, not she, wasn't it?"
I would answer, "Of course, Briseis. One day I'll nail that lie in public." She was a dear old thing and entirely devoted89 to me. We lived in four rooms together, with an old slave to do the porter's work, and had a very happy time, all considered.
Caesonia's child, a girl, was born a month after Caligula married her. Caligula said that this was a prodigy90. He took the child and laid her on the knees of the statue of Jove- this was before his quarrel with Jove-as if to make Jove his honorary colleague in fatherhood, and then put her in H the arms of Minerva's statue and allowed her to suck at the H Goddess's marble breast for awhile. He called her Drusilla, the name that his dead sister had discarded when she became the Goddess Panthea. This child was made a priestess too. He raised the money for the initiation91 fee by making a pathetic appeal to the public, complaining of his poverty and the heavy expenses of fatherhood, and opening a fund, called The Drusilla Fund. He put collecting boxes in every street marked "Drusilla's Food", " Drusilla's Drink" and " Drusilla's Dowry", and nobody dared pass by the Guards posted there without dropping in a copper92 or two.
Caligula dearly loved his little Drusilla, who turned out as precocious93 a child as he had himself been. He took delight in teaching her his own "immovable rigour", beginning the lessons when she was only just able to walk and talk. He encouraged her to torture kittens and puppies and to fly with her sharp nails at the eyes of her little playmates. "There can be no reasonable doubt as to your paternity, my pretty one," be used to chuckle94 when she showed particular promise. And once in my presence he bent72 down and said slyly to her: "And the first full-sized murder you commit. Precious, if it's only your poor old grand-uncle Claudius, I'll make a Goddess of you."
"Will you make me a Goddess if I kill Mamma?" the little fiend lisped. "I hate Mamma."
The gold statue for his temple was another expense. He paid for it by publishing an edict that he would receive New-Year's gifts at the main-gate of the Palace. When the day came he sent parties of Guards out to herd95 the City crowds up the Palatine Hill at the sword-point and make them shed every coin they had on them into great tubs put out for the purpose. They were warned that if they tried to dodge96 the Guards or hold back a single farthing of money they would be liable to instant death. By evening two thousand huge tubs had been filled.
It was about this time that he said to Ganymede and Agrippinilla and Lesbia: "You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, you idle drones. What do you do for your living? You're mere parasites97. Are you aware that every man and woman in Rome works hard to support me? Every wretched baggage-porter gladly pays me one-eighth of his wage, and every poor prostitute the same."
Agrippinilla said: "Well, brother, you have stripped us of practically all our money on one pretext98 or another. Isn't that enough?"
"Enough? Indeed it isn't. Money inherited is not the same as money honestly earned. I'm going to make you girls and boys work."
So he advertised in the Senate, by distributing leaflets, that on such and such a night a most exclusive and exquisite99 brothel would be opened at the Palace, with entertainment to suit all tastes provided by persons of the most illustrious birth. Admission, only one thousand gold pieces. Drinks free. Agrippinilla and Lesbia, I am sorry to say, did not protest very strongly against Caligula's disgraceful proposal, and indeed thought that it would be great fun., But they insisted that they should have the right of choosing their own customers and that Caligula should not take too high a commission on the money earned. Much to my disgust I was dragged into this business, by being dressed up as the comic porter. Caligula, wearing a mask and disguising his voice, was the bawd-master, and played all the usual bawd-master tricks for cheating his guests of their pleasure and their money. When they protested, I was called upon to act as chucker-out. I am strong enough in the arms, stronger than most men, I may say, though my legs are very little use to me; so I caused a great deal of amusement by my clumsy hobbling and by the unexpectedly heavy drubbing I gave the guests when I managed to get hold of them. Caligula declaimed in a theatrical101 voice, the lines from Homer;
Vulcan with awkward grace his office plies102. And unextinguished laughter shakes the skies.
This was the passage in the First Book of the Iliad where the lame27 God goes hobbling about Olympus and the other Gods all laugh at him. I was lying on the floor pounding Lesbia's husband with my fists-it wasn't often that I got such a chance of paying back old scores-and raising myself up I said:
Then from his anvil103 the lame craftsman104 rose.' Wide, with distorted legs, oblique105, he goes and staggered over to the refreshment106 table. Caligula was delighted and quoted another couple of lines which occur just before the "unextinguished laughter" passage:
If you submit, the Thunderer stands appeased107, The Gracious God is willing to be pleased.
This was how he came to call me Vulcan, a title that I was glad to win, because it gave me a certain protection against his caprices.
Caligula then quietly left us, removed his disguise and reappeared as himself, coming in from the Palace courtyard by the door where he had posted me. He pretended to be utterly108 surprised and shocked at what was going on and stood declaiming Homer again-Ulysses's shame and anger at the behaviour of the palace-women:
As thus pavilioned in the porch he lay, Scenes of lewd109 loves his wakeful eyes survey;
Whilst to nocturnal joys impure110 repair With wanton glee, the prostituted fair. His heart with rage this new dishonour111 stung, Wavering his thought in dubious112 balance hung. Or, instant should he quench113 the guilty Same With their own blood, and intercept114 the shame;
Or to their lust100 indulge a last embrace, And let the peers consummate115 the disgrace;
Round his swoln heart the murmurous116 fury rolls;
As o'er her young the mother-mastiff growls117,
And bays the stranger groom118: so wrath119 compress'd
Recoiling120, mutter'd thunder in his breast.
"Poor, suffering heart", he cried, "support the pain
Of wounded honour and thy rage restrain!
Not fiercer woes121 thy fortitude122 could foil
When the brave partners of thy ten-year toil123
Dire124 Polypheme devoured125: I then was freed
By patient prudence126 from the death decreed."
"For 'Polypheme' read Tiberius'," he explained. Then he clapped his hands for the Guard, who came running up at the double. "Send Cassius Chserea here at once!" Cassius was sent for and Caligula said: "Cassius, old hero, you who acted as my war-horse when I was a child, my oldest and most faithful family-friend, did you ever see such a sad and degrading sight as this? My two sisters prostituting their bodies to senators in my very Palace, my uncle Claudius standing at the gate selling tickets of admission! Oh, what would my poor mother and father have said if they had lived to see this day!"
"Shall I arrest them all, Caesar?" asked Cassius, eagerly.
"No, to their lust indulge a last embrace.”
And let the peers consummate the disgrace," Caligula replied resignedly, and made mother-mastiff noises in his throat. Cassius was told to march the Guard off again.
It was not the last orgy of this sort at the Palace and thereafter Caligula made the senators who had attended the show bring their wives and daughters to assist Agrippinilla and Lesbia. But the problem of raising money was becoming acute again and Caligula decided127 to visit France and see what he could do there.
He first gathered an enormous number of troops, sending for detachments from all the regular regiments128, and forming new regiments, and raising levies129 from every possible quarter. He marched out of Italy at the head of one hundred and fifty thousand men and increased them, in France, to a quarter of a million. The expense of arming and equipping this immense force fell on the cities through which he passed: and he commandeered the necessary food supplies from them too. Sometimes he went forward at a gallop130 and made the army march forty-eight hours or more on end to catch up with him, sometimes he went forward at the rate of only a mile or two a day, admiring the scenery from a sedan-chair carried on eight men's shoulders and frequently stopping to pick flowers.
He sent letters ahead ordering the presence at Lyons, where he proposed to concentrate his forces, of all officials in France and the Rhine provinces who were over the rank of captain. Among those who obeyed the summons was Gaetulicus, one of my dear brother Germanicus's most valued officers, who had been in command of the four regiments of the Upper Province for the last few years. He was very popular among the troops because he kept up the tradition of mild punishments and of discipline based on love rather than on fear. He was popular with the regiments in the Lower Province too, commanded by his father-in-law Apronius-for Gaetulicus had married a sister of that Apronia whom my brother-in-law PIautius was supposed to have thrown out of the window. At the fall of Sejanus he would have been put to death by Tiberius because he had promised his daughter in marriage to Sejanus's son, but he escaped by writing the Emperor a bold letter. He said that so long as he was allowed to retain his command his allegiance could be counted on, and so could that of the troops. Tiberius wisely let him alone. But Caligula envied him his popularity and almost as soon as he arrived had him arrested.
Caligula had not invited me on this expedition, so I missed what followed and cannot write about it in detail. All I know is that Ganymede and Gaetulicus were accused of conspiracy-Ganymede with designs on the monarchy131, Gaetulicus with abetting132 him, and that both were put to death without trial. Lesbia and Agrippinilla (the latter's husband had lately died of dropsy) were also supposed to be in the plot. They were banished133 to an island off the coast of Africa near Carthage. It was a very hot, very arid134 island where sponge-fishing was the only industry, and Caligula ordered them to learn the trade of diving for sponges, for he said that he could not afford to support them longer. But before being sent to their island they had a task laid on them: they had to walk to Rome, all the way from Lyons, under an armed escort, and take turns at carrying in their arms the um in which Ganymede's ashes had been put. This was a punishment for their persistent135 adultery with Ganymede, as Caligula explained in a lofty styled letter he sent the Senate. He enlarged on his own great clemency in not putting them to death. Why, they had proved themselves worse than common prostitutes: no honest prostitute would have had the face to ask the prices they asked, and got, for their debaucheries!
I had no reason to feel sorry for my nieces. They were as bad as Caligula, in their way, and treated me very spitefully. When Agrippinilla's baby was born three years before she had asked Caligula to suggest a name for it. Caligula said, "Call it Claudius and it will be sure to turn out a beauty." Agrippinilla was so furious that she nearly strud Caligula; instead she turned quickly round and spat20 to wards19 me-and then burst into tears. The baby was called Lucius Domitius. “Lesbia was too proud to pay attention to me or acknowledge my presence in any way.” Afterwards the Emperor Nero.-R.G. If I happened to meet her in a narrow passage she used to walk straight on down the middle without slackening her pace, making me squeeze against the wall. It was difficult for me to remember that they were the children of my dear brother and that I had promised Agrippina to do my very best to protect them,
I had the embarrassing duty assigned to me of going to France, at the head of an embassy of four ex-Consuls, to congratulate Caligula on his suppression of the conspiracy. This was my first visit to France since my infancy136 arid I wished I was not making it. I had to take money from Calpurnia for travelling expenses, for my estate and home had not yet found a buyer, and I could not count on Caligula's being pleased to see me. I went by sea from Ostia, landing at Marseilles. It appears that after banishing137 my nieces Caligula had auctioned the jewellery and ornaments138 and clothes they had brought with them. These fetched such high prices that he also sold their slaves and then their freedmen, pretending that these were slaves too. The bids were made by rich provincials who wanted the glory of saying, "Yes, such and such belonged to the Emperor's sister. I bought it from him personally!" This gave Caligula a new idea. The old Palace where Livia had lived was now shut up. It was full of valuable furniture and pictures and relics139 of Augustus. Caligula sent for all this stuff to Rome and made me responsible for its safe and prompt arrival at Lyons. He wrote: "Send it by road, not by sea. I have a quarrel on with Neptune." The letter arrived only the day before I sailed, so I put Pallas in charge of the job. The difficulty was that all the surplus horses and carts had already been commandeered for the transport of Caligula's army. But Caligula had given the order, and horses and conveyances140 had somehow to be found. Pallas went to the Consuls and showed them Caligula's orders. They were forced to commandeer public mail-coaches and bakers141' vans and the horses that turned the corn-mills, which was a great inconvenience to the public.
So it happened that one evening in May just before sunset Caligula, sitting on the bridge at Lyons engaged in imaginary conversation with the local river-god, saw me coming along the road in the distance. He recognized my sedan by the dice-board I have fitted across it: I beguile142 long journeys by throwing dice with myself. He called out angrily: "Hey. you sir, where are the carts? Why haven't you brought the carts?"
I called back: "Heaven bless your Majesty143! The carts won't be here for a few days yet, I fear. They are coming by land, through Genoa. My colleagues and I have come by water."
"Then back by water you'll go, my man,” he said. "Come here!"
When I reached the bridge I was pulled out of my sedan by two German soldiers and carried to the parapet above the middle arch, where they sat me with my back to the river. Caligula rushed forward and pushed me over. I turned two back-somersaults and fell what seemed like a thousand feet before I struck the water. I remember saying to myself: "Born at Lyons, died at Lyons!" The river Rhone is very cold, very deep and very swift. My heavy robe entangled144 my arms and legs, but somehow I managed to keep afloat, and to clamber ashore behind some boats about half a mile down-stream, out of sight of the bridge. I am a much better swimmer than I am a walker: I am strong in the arms and being rather fat from not being able to take exercise and from liking145 my meals I float like a cork146. By the way, Caligula couldn't swim a stroke.
He was surprised, a few minutes later, to see me come hobbling up the road, and laughed hugely at the stinking147 muddy mess I was in. "Where have you been, my dear Vulcan?" he called.
I had the answer pat:
I felt the Thunderer's might, Hurled148 headlong downward from th' etherial height Tost all the day in rapid circles round Nor till the sun descended touch'd the ground. Breathless I fell, in giddy motions lost;
The Sinthians raised me on the Lemnian coast.
"For 'Lemnian' read 'Lyonian'," I said. He was sitting on the parapet with my three fellow-envoys lying on the ground face-downwards in a row before him. He bad his feet on the necks of two and his swordpoint balanced between the shoulders of the third, Lesbia's husband, who was sobbing149 for mercy. "Claudius," he groaned150, hearing my voice, "beseech151 the Emperor to set us free: we only came to offer him our loving congratulations."
"I want carts, not congratulations," said Caligula. It seemed as if Homer had written the passage from which I had just quoted on purpose for this occasion. I said to Lesbia's husband:
Be patient and obey. Dear as you are, if Jove his arm extend I can but grieve, unable to defend. What soul so daring in your aid to move Or lift his hand against the might of Jove?
Caligula was delighted. He said to the three suppliants152:
"What are your lives worth to you? Fifty thousand gold pieces each?"
"Whatever you say, Caesar," they answered faintly.
"Then pay poor Claudius that sum as soon as you get back to Rome. He's saved your lives by his ready tongue." So they were allowed to rise and Caligula made them sign a promise, then and there, to pay me one hundred and fifty thousand gold pieces in three months' time. I said to Caligula: "Most gracious Caesar, your need is greater than mine. Will you accept one hundred thousand gold pieces from me, when they pay me, in gratitude for my own salvation153? If you condescended154 to take that gift, I would still have fifty thousand left, which would enable me to pay my initiation fee in full. I have worried a great deal about that debt."
He said, "Anything that I can do that will contribute to your peace of mind!" and called me his Golden Farthing. So Homer saved me. But Caligula a few days later warned me not to quote Homer again. "He's a most overrated author. I am going to have his poems called in and f burned. Why shouldn't I put Plato's philosophical155 recommendations into practice? You know The Republic? An admirable piece of argument. Plato was for keeping all poets whatsoever156 out of his ideal state: he said that they were all liars157, and so they are."
I asked: "Is your Sacred Majesty going to bum any other poets besides Homer?"
"Oh, indeed, yes. All the over-rated ones. Virgil for a start. He's a dull fellow. Tries to be a Homer and can't do it."
"And any historians?"
"Yes, Livy. Still duller. Tries to be a Virgil and can't do it."
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treasury
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| n.宝库；国库，金库；文库 | |
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privy
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| adj.私用的；隐密的 | |
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vessels
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| n.血管( vessel的名词复数 )；船；容器；（具有特殊品质或接受特殊品质的）人 | |
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breach
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| n.违反，不履行；破裂；vt.冲破，攻破 | |
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Neptune
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| n.海王星 | |
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ashore
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| adv.在(向)岸上，上岸 | |
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dependants
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| 受赡养者，受扶养的家属( dependant的名词复数 ) | |
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lodgings
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| n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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victorious
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| adj.胜利的，得胜的 | |
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auctioned
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| v.拍卖( auction的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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auction
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| n.拍卖；拍卖会；vt.拍卖 | |
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magistrate
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| n.地方行政官，地方法官，治安官 | |
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magistrates
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| 地方法官，治安官( magistrate的名词复数 ) | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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auctions
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| n.拍卖，拍卖方式( auction的名词复数 ) | |
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bribed
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| v.贿赂( bribe的过去式和过去分词 )；向（某人）行贿，贿赂 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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downwards
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| adj./adv.向下的（地），下行的（地） | |
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wards
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| 区( ward的名词复数 )； 病房； 受监护的未成年者； 被人照顾或控制的状态 | |
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spat
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| n.口角，掌击；v.发出呼噜呼噜声 | |
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promising
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| adj.有希望的，有前途的 | |
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eulogy
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| n.颂词；颂扬 | |
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imprisoned
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| 下狱，监禁( imprison的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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bum
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| n.臀部；流浪汉，乞丐；vt.乞求，乞讨 | |
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lengthy
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| adj.漫长的，冗长的 | |
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testimony
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| n.证词；见证，证明 | |
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lame
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| adj.跛的，(辩解、论据等)无说服力的 | |
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consul
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| n.领事；执政官 | |
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engraved
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| v.在（硬物）上雕刻（字，画等）( engrave的过去式和过去分词 )；将某事物深深印在（记忆或头脑中） | |
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consuls
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| 领事( consul的名词复数 )； （古罗马共和国时期）执政官 （古罗马共和国及其军队的最高首长，同时共有两位，每年选举一次） | |
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transacted
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| v.办理（业务等）( transact的过去式和过去分词 )；交易，谈判 | |
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lavished
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| v.过分给予，滥施( lavish的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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pious
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| adj.虔诚的；道貌岸然的 | |
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clemency
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| n.温和，仁慈，宽厚 | |
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conspiracy
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| n.阴谋，密谋，共谋 | |
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condemned
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| adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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prosecuted
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| a.被起诉的 | |
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eloquence
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| n.雄辩；口才，修辞 | |
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inscription
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| n.（尤指石块上的）刻印文字，铭文，碑文 | |
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sneer
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| v.轻蔑；嘲笑；n.嘲笑，讥讽的言语 | |
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oratorical
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| adj.演说的，雄辩的 | |
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orator
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| n.演说者，演讲者，雄辩家 | |
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condemnation
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| n.谴责; 定罪 | |
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confiscate
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| v.没收(私人财产)，把…充公 | |
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prosecutor
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| n.起诉人；检察官，公诉人 | |
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dilemma
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| n.困境，进退两难的局面 | |
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triumphant
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| adj.胜利的，成功的；狂欢的，喜悦的 | |
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offset
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| n.分支，补偿；v.抵消，补偿 | |
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dice
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| n.骰子；vt.把（食物）切成小方块，冒险 | |
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reprieved
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| v.缓期执行（死刑）( reprieve的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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provincials
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| n.首都以外的人，地区居民( provincial的名词复数 ) | |
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celebrated
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| adj.有名的，声誉卓著的 | |
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maternal
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| adj.母亲的，母亲般的，母系的，母方的 | |
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descended
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| a.为...后裔的，出身于...的 | |
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reminder
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| n.提醒物，纪念品；暗示，提示 | |
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baker
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| n.面包师 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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shrine
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| n.圣地，神龛，庙；v.将...置于神龛内，把...奉为神圣 | |
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60
worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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eldest
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| adj.最年长的，最年老的 | |
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prostrate
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| v.拜倒，平卧，衰竭；adj.拜倒的，平卧的，衰竭的 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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awe
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| n.敬畏，惊惧；vt.使敬畏，使惊惧 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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lucidly
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| adv.清透地，透明地 | |
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agate
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| n.玛瑙 | |
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defraud
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| vt.欺骗，欺诈 | |
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absolved
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| 宣告…无罪，赦免…的罪行，宽恕…的罪行( absolve的过去式和过去分词 )； 不受责难，免除责任 [义务] ,开脱（罪责） | |
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forger
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| v.伪造；n.（钱、文件等的）伪造者 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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wink
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| n.眨眼，使眼色，瞬间；v.眨眼，使眼色，闪烁 | |
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ransom
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| n.赎金，赎身；v.赎回，解救 | |
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amethyst
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| n.紫水晶 | |
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scruple
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| n./v.顾忌，迟疑 | |
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imposing
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| adj.使人难忘的，壮丽的，堂皇的，雄伟的 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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boisterous
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| adj.喧闹的，欢闹的 | |
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modesty
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| n.谦逊，虚心，端庄，稳重，羞怯，朴素 | |
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alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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veneration
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| n.尊敬，崇拜 | |
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lodged
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| v.存放( lodge的过去式和过去分词 )；暂住；埋入；（权利、权威等）归属 | |
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steward
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| n.乘务员，服务员；看管人；膳食管理员 | |
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pretence
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| n.假装，作假；借口，口实；虚伪；虚饰 | |
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jug
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| n.(有柄，小口，可盛水等的)大壶，罐，盂 | |
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crutch
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| n.T字形拐杖；支持，依靠，精神支柱 | |
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taverns
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| n.小旅馆，客栈，酒馆( tavern的名词复数 ) | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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prodigy
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| n.惊人的事物，奇迹，神童，天才，预兆 | |
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initiation
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| n.开始 | |
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copper
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| n.铜；铜币；铜器；adj.铜(制)的；(紫)铜色的 | |
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precocious
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| adj.早熟的；较早显出的 | |
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chuckle
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| vi.／n.轻声笑，咯咯笑 | |
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herd
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| n.兽群，牧群；vt.使集中，把…赶在一起 | |
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dodge
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| v.闪开，躲开，避开；n.妙计，诡计 | |
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parasites
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| 寄生物( parasite的名词复数 )； 靠他人为生的人； 诸虫 | |
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pretext
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| n.借口，托词 | |
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99
exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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100
lust
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| n.性(淫)欲；渴(欲)望；vi.对…有强烈的欲望 | |
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101
theatrical
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| adj.剧场的，演戏的；做戏似的，做作的 | |
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102
plies
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| v.使用（工具）( ply的第三人称单数 )；经常供应（食物、饮料）；固定往来；经营生意 | |
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103
anvil
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| n.铁钻 | |
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104
craftsman
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| n.技工，精于一门工艺的匠人 | |
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105
oblique
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| adj.斜的，倾斜的，无诚意的，不坦率的 | |
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106
refreshment
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| n.恢复，精神爽快，提神之事物；（复数）refreshments:点心，茶点 | |
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107
appeased
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| 安抚，抚慰( appease的过去式和过去分词 )； 绥靖（满足另一国的要求以避免战争） | |
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108
utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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109
lewd
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| adj.淫荡的 | |
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110
impure
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| adj.不纯净的，不洁的；不道德的，下流的 | |
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111
dishonour
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| n./vt.拒付（支票、汇票、票据等）；vt.凌辱，使丢脸；n.不名誉，耻辱，不光彩 | |
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112
dubious
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| adj.怀疑的，无把握的；有问题的，靠不住的 | |
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113
quench
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| vt.熄灭，扑灭；压制 | |
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114
intercept
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| vt.拦截，截住，截击 | |
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115
consummate
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| adj.完美的；v.成婚；使完美 [反]baffle | |
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116
murmurous
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| adj.低声的 | |
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117
growls
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| v.（动物）发狺狺声， （雷）作隆隆声( growl的第三人称单数 )；低声咆哮着说 | |
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118
groom
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| vt.给（马、狗等）梳毛，照料，使...整洁 | |
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119
wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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120
recoiling
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| v.畏缩( recoil的现在分词 )；退缩；报应；返回 | |
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121
woes
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| 困境( woe的名词复数 )； 悲伤； 我好苦哇； 某人就要倒霉 | |
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122
fortitude
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| n.坚忍不拔；刚毅 | |
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123
toil
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| vi.辛劳工作，艰难地行动；n.苦工，难事 | |
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124
dire
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| adj.可怕的，悲惨的，阴惨的，极端的 | |
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125
devoured
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| 吞没( devour的过去式和过去分词 )； 耗尽； 津津有味地看； 狼吞虎咽地吃光 | |
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126
prudence
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| n.谨慎，精明，节俭 | |
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127
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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128
regiments
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| （军队的）团( regiment的名词复数 )； 大量的人或物 | |
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129
levies
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| （部队）征兵( levy的名词复数 )； 募捐； 被征募的军队 | |
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130
gallop
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| v./n.(马或骑马等)飞奔；飞速发展 | |
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131
monarchy
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| n.君主，最高统治者；君主政体，君主国 | |
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132
abetting
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| v.教唆（犯罪）( abet的现在分词 )；煽动；怂恿；支持 | |
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133
banished
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| v.放逐，驱逐( banish的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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134
arid
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| adj.干旱的；(土地)贫瘠的 | |
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135
persistent
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| adj.坚持不懈的，执意的；持续的 | |
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136
infancy
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| n.婴儿期；幼年期；初期 | |
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137
banishing
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| v.放逐，驱逐( banish的现在分词 ) | |
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138
ornaments
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| n.装饰( ornament的名词复数 )；点缀；装饰品；首饰v.装饰，点缀，美化( ornament的第三人称单数 ) | |
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139
relics
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| [pl.］n.遗物，遗迹，遗产；遗体，尸骸 | |
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140
conveyances
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| n.传送( conveyance的名词复数 )；运送；表达；运输工具 | |
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141
bakers
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| n.面包师( baker的名词复数 )；面包店；面包店店主；十三 | |
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142
beguile
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| vt.欺骗，消遣 | |
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143
majesty
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| n.雄伟，壮丽，庄严，威严；最高权威，王权 | |
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144
entangled
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| adj.卷入的；陷入的；被缠住的；缠在一起的v.使某人（某物/自己）缠绕，纠缠于（某物中），使某人（自己）陷入（困难或复杂的环境中）( entangle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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145
liking
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| n.爱好；嗜好；喜欢 | |
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146
cork
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| n.软木，软木塞 | |
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147
stinking
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| adj.臭的，烂醉的，讨厌的v.散发出恶臭( stink的现在分词 )；发臭味；名声臭；糟透 | |
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148
hurled
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| v.猛投，用力掷( hurl的过去式和过去分词 )；大声叫骂 | |
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149
sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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150
groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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151
beseech
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| v.祈求，恳求 | |
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152
suppliants
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| n.恳求者，哀求者( suppliant的名词复数 ) | |
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153
salvation
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| n.（尤指基督）救世，超度，拯救，解困 | |
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154
condescended
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| 屈尊，俯就( condescend的过去式和过去分词 )； 故意表示和蔼可亲 | |
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155
philosophical
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| adj.哲学家的，哲学上的，达观的 | |
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156
whatsoever
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| adv.（用于否定句中以加强语气）任何；pron.无论什么 | |
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157
liars
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| 说谎者( liar的名词复数 ) | |
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