"I do mean it," she replied. "You never understood me, I think, and you certainly do not understand me now, if you think I shall remain here dependent on my father, having left his house as I did."
James Dugdale did not speak for some minutes. He was pondering upon what she had said. He had never understood her! If not he, who ever had? Unjust to him she had always been, and she was still unjust to him. But that did not matter: it was of her he must think, not of himself.
The first bewildering surprise of Margaret's arrival had passed away; the mingled1 strangeness and familiarity of seeing her again, changed as she was, in the old home so long forsaken2, had taken its place, and James Dugdale was looking at her, and listening to her, like a man in a dream.
Their meeting had been very calm and emotionless. Margaret, in addition to the hardness of manner which had grown upon her in her hard life, had felt no pleasure in seeing James Dugdale again. She had not quite forgiven him, even yet, and, though she was relieved by finding that the first explanations were to be given to him, and not to her father or Mrs. Carteret, she had made them ungraciously enough, and with just sufficient formal acknowledgment of the service which James Dugdale had rendered her, in securing to her the friendship and aid of Hayes Meredith, as convinced her sensitive hearer that she would rather have been indebted to the kindness of any other person.
On certain points he found her reserve invulnerable; and he was not slow to suspect that she had made up her mind exactly as to how much of her past life she would reveal, and how much should remain concealed3; and he did not doubt her power of adhering to such a resolution. She had briefly4 alluded5 to her widowhood, acknowledged the kindness she had experienced from Hayes Meredith, said a little about the poverty in which he had found her, and had then left the subject of herself and all concerning her, as if it wearied her, and with a decision of manner which prevented James Dugdale from questioning her further.
Her questions regarding her father, her brother, and all that had occurred at Chayleigh during her absence, were numerous and minute, and James answered them without reserve or hesitation6. They chiefly related to facts. Margaret dealt but slightly in sentiment; but when she asked James if her father spoke7 of her sometimes, there was a little change in the tone of her voice, a slight accession of paleness which she could not disguise.
"At first, very seldom; in fact, hardly ever, Margaret, for I see you wish the whole truth, and nothing but the truth; but more frequently of late. Only the day before he and Mrs. Carteret went to Bath, he--you remember his way--was showing me a peculiarly repulsive8 specimen9 of some singularly hideous10 insect, and he said, 'How pleased Margery would have been with that.' Quite a hallucination, if I remember rightly, but still pleasant to hear him say it, and showed me that he was thinking of you. You see this as I do?"
"O yes," she answered, with a smile that was a little hard and bitter, "very pleasant; indeed, the pleasantest possible association of ideas according to papa. And--and Mrs. Carteret?"
James Dugdale hesitated for a little, and then he said,
"You remember what Sibylla is, Margaret, and you know she never cared much for you, or Haldane--"
"Particularly for me," she interrupted, in a tone whose assumed lightness did not impose on James. "Well, she need not fear any intrusion or importunity11 from me. I have come here because I must--I must see my father once more, before I have for ever done with the old life and begin with the new."
"Are you going away again, Margaret?" said James, astonished. "Going away, after having come home through such suffering and difficulty! Why is this?"
And then it was that Margaret asked him if he were really serious in supposing she had any other intention.
The truth was, she had very vague notions of what she should do with herself. The pride and self-will of her nature, which the suffering she had undergone in Australia had somewhat tamed, had had time for their reawakening during the long voyage; and it was not in the most amiable12 of moods that Margaret reached her former home.
"Whatever my fault may have been, I have fully13 expiated14 it; and I must have peace now, and forgetfulness, if it is to be had," was the form her thoughts took.
She had not been recognised at the village inn, where she had left Rose Moore and her scanty15 luggage, and the servant who had opened the door of her father's house to her was a stranger. He might fairly have hesitated to admit a lady whom he did not know; but Margaret's manner of announcing herself permitted no hesitation within his courage. His master and mistress were not at home, the man said, but she could see Mr. Dugdale when he came in. So she walked into the drawing-room, and James was sought for, but not found.
What agony of spirit the young widow underwent, when she found herself once more in the scene of the vanished past, none but she ever knew. The worst of it had passed away when James saw her leaning out of the window, a picture framed in the branches of the passion-flower.
The hours of the evening went rapidly by, though the talk of the strangely-assorted companions was constrained16 and bald. Margaret was resolute17 in her refusal to remain at Chayleigh. James Dugdale, she argued, might believe that her father would gladly receive her; but he could not know that he would, and she would await that welcome before she made her old home even a temporary abode18. A few sentences sufficed to show James that this determination was not to be overcome.
"At least you are not alone," he said; and then she explained to him that Hayes Meredith had engaged an Irish girl, named Rose Moore, to act as her maid during the voyage, and that the girl, having become attached to her, was willing to defer19 her departure to Ireland for a few days, until she, Margaret, had made some definite arrangement about her own future.
"I got used to Irish people at Melbourne," said Margaret, "and I like them. I have half a mind to go to Ireland with Rose. I suppose people's children want governesses there, and people themselves want companions as well as here; and I fancy they are kind and cordial there."
"You must be very much altered, Margaret," returned James gravely, "if you are fit to be either a governess or a dame20 de compagnie. I don't think you had much in you to fit you for either function."
"I am very much altered," she said; "and what I am fit for, or not fit for, neither you nor any one can tell. There is only one thing which would come to me that would surprise or disconcert me now."
She rose as she spoke, and drew her heavy black cloak, which she had only loosened, not laid aside, closely around her.
"And that is--" said James.
"Finding myself happy again, or being deceived into thinking myself so," she said quickly and bitterly.
This was the first thoroughly21 unrestrained sentence she had spoken in all their conversation, the first clear glimpse she had given James Dugdale into the depths of her heart and experience.
They went out of the house together, and she walked by his side--he did not offer his arm--to the village. The night was bright and beautiful, and some of its calm came to the heart of Margaret, and reflected itself in her pale steadfast22 face. The road which they took wound past the well-kept fences and ornamental23 palings of a handsome place, much larger than Chayleigh, which, in Margaret's time, had been in the possession of Sir Richard Davyntry, whose good graces, and those of Lady Davyntry, she remembered her stepmother to have been particularly anxious to cultivate.
Mrs. Carteret had not succeeded remarkably24 well in this design, and her failure was conspicuously25 due to her treatment of Margaret; for Lady Davyntry was a motherly kind of woman, much younger than Mrs. Carteret, and whose own childless condition was a deep and unaffectedly-avowed grief to her.
As Margaret and her companion passed the gates of Davyntry, she remembered these "childish things," as they seemed to her now, and she paused to look at the stately trees, and the fine old Elizabethan house, on whose gilded26 vane the moonlight was shining coldly.
She asked if Sir Richard and Lady Davyntry were staying there just now, adding, "As I remember them, they were not people who, having a country house and place combining everything any one can possibly wish for, make a point of leaving it just when all is most beautiful."
"No," said James Dugdale, "they certainly are not; and Sir Richard stuck to it, poor fellow, as long as he could; but he died nearly a year ago, and not at Davyntry either--at his brother-in-law's place in Scotland."
"Indeed!" said Margaret. "I am sorry for Sir Richard, and more sorry still for Lady Davyntry; she is a widow indeed, I am sure. Perhaps she wants a lady companion. I might offer myself: how pleased Mrs. Carteret would be!"
"Margaret!" said James Dugdale reprovingly.
He spoke in the tone which had been familiar to him in the days when he had been "the tutor" and Margaret his pupil; and she laughed for a moment with something of the same saucy27 laugh with which she had been used to meet a remonstrance28 from him in those old days. James Dugdale's heart beat rapidly at the sound; for the first time, her coming, her presence seemed real to him.
"Well, well, I won't be spiteful," said Margaret. "Is Lady Davyntry here?"
"Yes; she has been more than a month at Davyntry. Her brother is with her, and a remarkably nice fellow he is. I see a good deal of him."
"I don't remember him. I don't think I ever saw him," said Margaret absently. "What is his name?"
James Dugdale did not note the question, but replied to the first part of the sentence.
"I don't think you can have seen him. He was abroad for some years after his sister's marriage; indeed, he never was here in Sir Richard's lifetime--never saw him, I believe, until he and Lady Davyntry went to Scotland, on a visit, and he died there."
"Is he here now?" Margaret asked in an indifferent manner.
"Yes," returned James; "I told you so. He comes to Chayleigh a good deal. He is nearly as fond of natural history as your father, and nearly as fond of drawing as I am; so we are a mutual29 resource--Chayleigh and Davyntry I mean."
"And his name?" again asked Margaret quietly.
"Did I not tell you? Don't you remember it? Surely you must have heard the name; it is not a common one--Fitzwilliam Meriton Baldwin."
"No, it is not common, and rather nice. I never heard it before, that I remember. We have arrived, I see; and there is Rose Moore looking out for me, like an impulsive30 Irish girl as she is, instead of preserving the decorous indifference31 of the truly British domestic. You will let me know when my father arrives. No, I shall not go to Chayleigh again until his return. Good-night, Mr. Dugdale."
She had disappeared, followed by her attendant, whose frank handsome face had candidly32 expressed an amount of disapprobation of James Dugdale's personal appearance to which he was, fortunately, perfectly33 accustomed and philosophically34 indifferent. Fate had done its worst for him in that respect long before; and he had turned away from the inn-door, and was walking rapidly down the road again, when a cheery voice addressed him:
"Hallo, Dugdale! Where are you going at this time of night? and what are you thinking of? I shouted at you in vain, and thought I should never catch you. Are you going home? Yes?--then we shall be together as far as Davyntry."
The speaker was a young man, perhaps six-and-twenty years old, a little over middle height, and, though not remarkably handsome, he presented as strong a contrast in personal appearance to James Dugdale as could be desired. He had a fair complexion35, bright-blue eyes, with an expression of candour and happiness in them as rare as it was attractive, light-brown hair, and a lithe36 alert figure, full of grace and activity. In the few words which he had spoken there was something winning and open, a tone of entire sincerity37 and gladness almost boyish; and it had its charm for the older and careworn38 man, who answered cheerily, as he linked his arm with his own:
"It is always pleasant to meet you, Baldwin; but to-night it's a perfect godsend."
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1
mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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2
Forsaken
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| adj. 被遗忘的, 被抛弃的 动词forsake的过去分词 | |
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3
concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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4
briefly
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| adv.简单地，简短地 | |
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5
alluded
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| 提及，暗指( allude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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6
hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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7
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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8
repulsive
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| adj.排斥的，使人反感的 | |
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9
specimen
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| n.样本，标本 | |
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10
hideous
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| adj.丑陋的，可憎的，可怕的，恐怖的 | |
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11
importunity
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| n.硬要，强求 | |
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12
amiable
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| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
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13
fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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14
expiated
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| v.为（所犯罪过）接受惩罚，赎（罪）( expiate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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15
scanty
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| adj.缺乏的，仅有的，节省的，狭小的，不够的 | |
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16
constrained
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| adj.束缚的,节制的 | |
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17
resolute
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| adj.坚决的，果敢的 | |
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18
abode
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| n.住处，住所 | |
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19
defer
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| vt.推迟，拖延；vi.(to)遵从，听从，服从 | |
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20
dame
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| n.女士 | |
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21
thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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22
steadfast
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| adj.固定的，不变的，不动摇的；忠实的；坚贞不移的 | |
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23
ornamental
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| adj.装饰的；作装饰用的；n.装饰品；观赏植物 | |
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24
remarkably
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| ad.不同寻常地，相当地 | |
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25
conspicuously
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| ad.明显地，惹人注目地 | |
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26
gilded
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| a.镀金的，富有的 | |
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27
saucy
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| adj.无礼的；俊俏的；活泼的 | |
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28
remonstrance
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| n抗议，抱怨 | |
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29
mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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30
impulsive
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| adj.冲动的，刺激的；有推动力的 | |
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31
indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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32
candidly
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| adv.坦率地，直率而诚恳地 | |
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33
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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34
philosophically
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| adv.哲学上；富有哲理性地；贤明地；冷静地 | |
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35
complexion
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| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
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36
lithe
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| adj.(指人、身体)柔软的，易弯的 | |
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37
sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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38
careworn
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| adj.疲倦的，饱经忧患的 | |
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