To-day we shall not meet. Yesterday, when we said good-bye, the clouds began gathering2 over the sky and a mist rose. I said that to-morrow it would be a bad day; she made no answer, she did not want to speak against her wishes; for her that day was bright and clear, not one cloud should obscure her happiness.
"If it rains we shall not see each other," she said, "I shall not come."
I thought that she would not notice to-day's rain, and yet she has not come.
Yesterday was our third interview, our third white night....
But how fine joy and happiness makes any one! How brimming over with love the heart is! One seems longing3 to pour out one's whole heart; one wants everything to be gay, everything to be laughing. And how infectious that joy is! There was such a softness in her words, such a kindly4 feeling in her heart towards me yesterday.... How solicitous5 and friendly she was; how tenderly she tried to give me courage! Oh, the coquetry of happiness! While I ... I took it all for the genuine thing, I thought that she....
But, my God, how could I have thought it? How could I have been so blind, when everything had been taken by another already, when nothing was mine; when, in fact, her very tenderness to me, her anxiety, her love ... yes, love for me, was nothing else but joy at the thought of seeing another man so soon, desire to include me, too, in her happiness?... When he did not come, when we waited in vain, she frowned, she grew timid and discouraged. Her movements, her words, were no longer so light, so playful, so gay; and, strange to say, she redoubled her attentiveness6 to me, as though instinctively7 desiring to lavish8 on me what she desired for herself so anxiously, if her wishes were not accomplished9. My Nastenka was so downcast, so dismayed, that I think she realized at last that I loved her, and was sorry for my poor love. So when we are unhappy we feel the unhappiness of others more; feeling is not destroyed but concentrated....
I went to meet her with a full heart, and was all impatience10. I had no presentiment11 that I should feel as I do now, that it would not all end happily. She was beaming with pleasure; she was expecting an answer. The answer was himself. He was to come, to run at her call. She arrived a whole hour before I did. At first she giggled12 at everything, laughed at every word I said. I began talking, but relapsed into silence.
"Do you know why I am so glad," she said, "so glad to look at you?—why I like you so much to-day?"
"I like you because you have not fallen in love with me. You know that some men in your place would have been pestering14 and worrying me, would have been sighing and miserable15, while you are so nice!"
"Goodness, what a friend you are!" she began gravely a minute later. "God sent you to me. What would have happened to me if you had not been with me now? How disinterested17 you are! How truly you care for me! When I am married we will be great friends, more than brother and sister; I shall care almost as I do for him...."
I felt horribly sad at that moment, yet something like laughter was stirring in my soul.
"You are very much upset," I said; "you are frightened; you think he won't come."
"Oh dear!" she answered; "if I were less happy, I believe I should cry at your lack of faith, at your reproaches. However, you have made me think and have given me a lot to think about; but I shall think later, and now I will own that you are right. Yes, I am somehow not myself; I am all suspense18, and feel everything as it were too lightly. But hush19! that's enough about feelings...."
At that moment we heard footsteps, and in the darkness we saw a figure coming towards us. We both started; she almost cried out; I dropped her hand and made a movement as though to walk away. But we were mistaken, it was not he.
"What are you afraid of? Why did you let go of my hand?" she said, giving it to me again. "Come, what is it? We will meet him together; I want him to see how fond we are of each other."
"How fond we are of each other!" I cried. ("Oh, Nastenka, Nastenka," I thought, "how much you have told me in that saying! Such fondness at certain moments makes the heart cold and the soul heavy. Your hand is cold, mine burns like fire. How blind you are, Nastenka!... Oh, how unbearable20 a happy person is sometimes! But I could not be angry with you!")
At last my heart was too full.
"Listen, Nastenka!" I cried. "Do you know how it has been with me all day."
"Why, how, how? Tell me quickly! Why have you said nothing all this time?"
"To begin with, Nastenka, when I had carried out all your commissions, given the letter, gone to see your good friends, then ... then I went home and went to bed."
"Is that all?" she interrupted, laughing.
"Yes, almost all," I answered restraining myself, for foolish tears were already starting into my eyes. "I woke an hour before our appointment, and yet, as it were, I had not been asleep. I don't know what happened to me. I came to tell you all about it, feeling as though time were standing21 still, feeling as though one sensation, one feeling must remain with me from that time for ever; feeling as though one minute must go on for all eternity22, and as though all life had come to a standstill for me.... When I woke up it seemed as though some musical motive23 long familiar, heard somewhere in the past, forgotten and voluptuously24 sweet, had come back to me now. It seemed to me that it had been clamouring at my heart all my life, and only now...."
"Oh my goodness, my goodness," Nastenka interrupted, "what does all that mean? I don't understand a word."
"Ah, Nastenka, I wanted somehow to convey to you that strange impression...." I began in a plaintive25 voice, in which there still lay hid a hope, though a very faint one.
"Leave off. Hush!" she said, and in one instant the sly puss had guessed.
Suddenly she became extraordinarily26 talkative, gay, mischievous27; she took my arm, laughed, wanted me to laugh too, and every confused word I uttered evoked28 from her prolonged ringing laughter.... I began to feel angry, she had suddenly begun flirting29.
"Do you know," she began, "I feel a little vexed30 that you are not in love with me? There's no understanding human nature! But all the same, Mr. Unapproachable, you cannot blame me for being so simple; I tell you everything, everything, whatever foolish thought comes into my head."
"Listen! That's eleven, I believe," I said as the slow chime of a bell rang out from a distant tower. She suddenly stopped, left off laughing and began to count.
"Yes, it's eleven," she said at last in a timid, uncertain voice.
I regretted at once that I had frightened her, making her count the strokes, and I cursed myself for my spiteful impulse; I felt sorry for her, and did not know how to atone31 for what I had done.
I began comforting her, seeking for reasons for his not coming, advancing various arguments, proofs. No one could have been easier to deceive than she was at that moment; and, indeed, any one at such a moment listens gladly to any consolation32, whatever it may be, and is overjoyed if a shadow of excuse can be found.
"And indeed it's an absurd thing," I began, warming to my task and admiring the extraordinary clearness of my argument, "why, he could not have come; you have muddled33 and confused me, Nastenka, so that I too, have lost count of the time.... Only think: he can scarcely have received the letter; suppose he is not able to come, suppose he is going to answer the letter, could not come before to-morrow. I will go for it as soon as it's light to-morrow and let you know at once. Consider, there are thousands of possibilities; perhaps he was not at home when the letter came, and may not have read it even now! Anything may happen, you know."
"Yes, yes!" said Nastenka. "I did not think of that. Of course anything may happen?" she went on in a tone that offered no opposition34, though some other far-away thought could be heard like a vexatious discord35 in it. "I tell you what you must do," she said, "you go as early as possible to-morrow morning, and if you get anything let me know at once. You know where I live, don't you?"
And she began repeating her address to me.
Then she suddenly became so tender, so solicitous with me. She seemed to listen attentively36 to what I told her; but when I asked her some question she was silent, was confused, and turned her head away. I looked into her eyes—yes, she was crying.
"How can you? How can you? Oh, what a baby you are! what childishness!... Come, come!"
"I was thinking about you," she said after a minute's silence. "You are so kind that I should be a stone if I did not feel it. Do you know what has occurred to me now? I was comparing you two. Why isn't he you? Why isn't he like you? He is not as good as you, though I love him more than you."
I made no answer. She seemed to expect me to say something.
"Of course, it may be that I don't understand him fully38 yet. You know I was always as it were afraid of him; he was always so grave, as it were so proud. Of course I know it's only that he seems like that, I know there is more tenderness in his heart than in mine.... I remember how he looked at me when I went in to him—do you remember?—with my bundle; but yet I respect him too much, and doesn't that show that we are not equals?"
"No, Nastenka, no," I answered, "it shows that you love him more than anything in the world, and far more than yourself."
"Yes, supposing that is so," answered Nastenka na?vely. "But do you know what strikes me now? Only I am not talking about him now, but speaking generally; all this came into my mind some time ago. Tell me, how is it that we can't all be like brothers together? Why is it that even the best of men always seem to hide something from other people and to keep something back? Why not say straight out what is in one's heart, when one knows that one is not speaking idly? As it is every one seems harsher than he really is, as though all were afraid of doing injustice39 to their feelings, by being too quick to express them."
"Oh, Nastenka, what you say is true; but there are many reasons for that," I broke in suppressing my own feelings at that moment more than ever.
"No, no!" she answered with deep feeling. "Here you, for instance, are not like other people! I really don't know how to tell you what I feel; but it seems to me that you, for instance ... at the present moment ... it seems to me that you are sacrificing something for me," she added timidly, with a fleeting40 glance at me. "Forgive me for saying so, I am a simple girl you know. I have seen very little of life, and I really sometimes don't know how to say things," she added in a voice that quivered with some hidden feeling, while she tried to smile; "but I only wanted to tell you that I am grateful, that I feel it all too.... Oh, may God give you happiness for it! What you told me about your dreamer is quite untrue now—that is, I mean, it's not true of you. You are recovering, you are quite a different man from what you described. If you ever fall in love with some one, God give you happiness with her! I won't wish anything for her, for she will be happy with you. I know, I am a woman myself, so you must believe me when I tell you so."
She ceased speaking, and pressed my hand warmly. I too could not speak without emotion. Some minutes passed.
"Yes, it's clear he won't come to-night," she said at last raising her head. "It's late."
"He will come to-morrow," I said in the most firm and convincing tone.
"Yes," she added with no sign of her former depression. "I see for myself now that he could not come till to-morrow. Well, good-bye, till to-morrow. If it rains perhaps I shall not come. But the day after to-morrow, I shall come. I shall come for certain, whatever happens; be sure to be here, I want to see you, I will tell you everything."
And then when we parted she gave me her hand and said, looking at me candidly41: "We shall always be together, shan't we?"
Oh, Nastenka, Nastenka! If only you knew how lonely I am now!
As soon as it struck nine o'clock I could not stay indoors, but put on my things, and went out in spite of the weather. I was there, sitting on our seat. I went to her street, but I felt ashamed, and turned back without looking at their windows, when I was two steps from her door. I went home more depressed42 than I had ever been before. What a damp, dreary43 day! If it had been fine I should have walked about all night....
But to-morrow, to-morrow! To-morrow she will tell me everything. The letter has not come to-day, however. But that was to be expected. They are together by now....
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1
glimmer
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| v.发出闪烁的微光；n.微光，微弱的闪光 | |
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2
gathering
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| n.集会，聚会，聚集 | |
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3
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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4
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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5
solicitous
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| adj.热切的，挂念的 | |
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6
attentiveness
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| [医]注意 | |
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7
instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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8
lavish
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| adj.无节制的；浪费的；vt.慷慨地给予，挥霍 | |
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9
accomplished
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| adj.有才艺的；有造诣的；达到了的 | |
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10
impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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11
presentiment
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| n.预感，预觉 | |
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12
giggled
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| v.咯咯地笑( giggle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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13
throbbing
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| a. 跳动的,悸动的 | |
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14
pestering
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| 使烦恼，纠缠( pester的现在分词 ) | |
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15
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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16
wrung
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| 绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 )； 握紧（尤指别人的手）； 把（湿衣服）拧干； 绞掉（水） | |
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17
disinterested
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| adj.不关心的，不感兴趣的 | |
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18
suspense
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| n.（对可能发生的事）紧张感，担心，挂虑 | |
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19
hush
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| int.嘘，别出声；n.沉默，静寂；v.使安静 | |
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20
unbearable
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| adj.不能容忍的；忍受不住的 | |
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21
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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22
eternity
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| n.不朽，来世；永恒，无穷 | |
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23
motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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24
voluptuously
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| adv.风骚地，体态丰满地 | |
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25
plaintive
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| adj.可怜的，伤心的 | |
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26
extraordinarily
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| adv.格外地；极端地 | |
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27
mischievous
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| adj.调皮的，恶作剧的，有害的，伤人的 | |
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28
evoked
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| [医]诱发的 | |
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29
flirting
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| v.调情，打情骂俏( flirt的现在分词 ) | |
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30
vexed
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| adj.争论不休的；（指问题等）棘手的；争论不休的问题；烦恼的v.使烦恼( vex的过去式和过去分词 )；使苦恼；使生气；详细讨论 | |
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31
atone
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| v.赎罪，补偿 | |
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32
consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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33
muddled
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| adj.混乱的；糊涂的；头脑昏昏然的v.弄乱，弄糟( muddle的过去式)；使糊涂；对付，混日子 | |
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34
opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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35
discord
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| n.不和，意见不合，争论，（音乐）不和谐 | |
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36
attentively
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| adv.聚精会神地；周到地；谛；凝神 | |
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37
bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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38
fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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39
injustice
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| n.非正义，不公正，不公平，侵犯（别人的）权利 | |
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40
fleeting
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| adj.短暂的，飞逝的 | |
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41
candidly
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| adv.坦率地，直率而诚恳地 | |
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42
depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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43
dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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