MORNING

 My night ended with the morning. It was a wet day. The rain was falling and beating disconsolately¹ upon my window pane²; it was dark in the room and grey outside. My head ached and I was giddy; fever was stealing over my limbs.

 

"There's a letter for you, sir; the postman brought it," Matrona said stooping over me.

 

"A letter? From whom?" I cried jumping up from my chair.

 

"I don't know, sir, better look—maybe it is written there whom it is from."

 

I broke the seal. It was from her!

 

* * * * *

 

"Oh, forgive me, forgive me! I beg you on my knees to forgive me! I deceived you and myself. It was a dream, a mirage³.... My heart aches for you to-day; forgive me, forgive me!

 

"Don't blame me, for I have not changed to you in the least. I told you that I would love you, I love you now, I more than love you. Oh, my God! If only I could love you both at once! Oh, if only you were he!"

 

["Oh, if only he were you," echoed in my mind. I remembered your words, Nastenka!]

 

"God knows what I would do for you now! I know that you are sad and dreary⁴. I have wounded you, but you know when one loves a wrong is soon forgotten. And you love me.

 

"Thank you, yes, thank you for that love! For it will live in my memory like a sweet dream which lingers long after awakening⁵; for I shall remember for ever that instant when you opened your heart to me like a brother and so generously accepted the gift of my shattered heart to care for it, nurse it, and heal it.... If you forgive me, the memory of you will be exalted⁶ by a feeling of everlasting⁷ gratitude⁸ which will never be effaced⁹ from my soul.... I will treasure that memory: I will be true to it, I will not betray it, I will not betray my heart: it is too constant. It returned so quickly yesterday to him to whom it has always belonged.

 

"We shall meet, you will come to us, you will not leave us, you will be for ever a friend, a brother to me. And when you see me you will give me your hand ... yes? You will give it to me, you have forgiven me, haven't you? You love me as before?

 

"Oh, love me, do not forsake¹⁰ me, because I love you so at this moment, because I am worthy¹¹ of your love, because I will deserve it ... my dear! Next week I am to be married to him. He has come back in love, he has never forgotten me. You will not be angry at my writing about him. But I want to come and see you with him; you will like him, won't you?

 

"Forgive me, remember and love your

 

"Nastenka."

 

* * * * *

 

I read that letter over and over again for a long time; tears gushed¹² to my eyes. At last it fell from my hands and I hid my face.

 

"Dearie! I say, dearie——" Matrona began.

 

"What is it, Matrona?"

 

"I have taken all the cobwebs off the ceiling; you can have a wedding or give a party."

 

I looked at Matrona. She was still a hearty¹³, youngish old woman, but I don't know why all at once I suddenly pictured her with lustreless¹⁴ eyes, a wrinkled face, bent¹⁵, decrepit¹⁶.... I don't know why I suddenly pictured my room grown old like Matrona. The walls and the floors looked discoloured, everything seemed dingy¹⁷; the spiders' webs were thicker than ever. I don't know why, but when I looked out of the window it seemed to me that the house opposite had grown old and dingy too, that the stucco on the columns was peeling off and crumbling¹⁸, that the cornices were cracked and blackened, and that the walls, of a vivid deep yellow, were patchy.

 

Either the sunbeams suddenly peeping out from the clouds for a moment were hidden again behind a veil of rain, and everything had grown dingy again before my eyes; or perhaps the whole vista¹⁹ of my future flashed before me so sad and forbidding, and I saw myself just as I was now, fifteen years hence, older, in the same room, just as solitary²⁰, with the same Matrona grown no cleverer for those fifteen years.

 

But to imagine that I should bear you a grudge²¹, Nastenka! That I should cast a dark cloud over your serene²², untroubled happiness; that by my bitter reproaches I should cause distress²³ to your heart, should poison it with secret remorse²⁴ and should force it to throb²⁵ with anguish²⁶ at the moment of bliss²⁷; that I should crush a single one of those tender blossoms which you have twined in your dark tresses when you go with him to the altar.... Oh never, never! May your sky be clear, may your sweet smile be bright and untroubled, and may you be blessed for that moment of blissful happiness which you gave to another, lonely and grateful heart!

 

My God, a whole moment of happiness! Is that too little for the whole of a man's life?

1 disconsolately   

adv.悲伤地，愁闷地；哭丧着脸

参考例句：

• A dilapidated house stands disconsolately amid the rubbles. 一栋破旧的房子凄凉地耸立在断垣残壁中。 来自辞典例句
• \"I suppose you have to have some friends before you can get in,'she added, disconsolately. “我看得先有些朋友才能进这一行，\"她闷闷不乐地加了一句。 来自英汉文学 - 嘉莉妹妹

2 pane   

n.窗格玻璃，长方块

参考例句：

• He broke this pane of glass.他打破了这块窗玻璃。
• Their breath bloomed the frosty pane.他们呼出的水气，在冰冷的窗玻璃上形成一层雾。

3 mirage   

n.海市蜃楼，幻景

参考例句：

• Perhaps we are all just chasing a mirage.也许我们都只是在追逐一个幻想。
• Western liberalism was always a mirage.西方自由主义永远是一座海市蜃楼。

4 dreary   

adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的

参考例句：

• They live such dreary lives.他们的生活如此乏味。
• She was tired of hearing the same dreary tale of drunkenness and violence.她听够了那些关于酗酒和暴力的乏味故事。

5 awakening   

n.觉醒，醒悟 adj.觉醒中的；唤醒的

参考例句：

• the awakening of interest in the environment 对环境产生的兴趣
• People are gradually awakening to their rights. 人们正逐渐意识到自己的权利。

6 exalted   

adj.(地位等)高的，崇高的；尊贵的，高尚的

参考例句：

• Their loveliness and holiness in accordance with their exalted station.他们的美丽和圣洁也与他们的崇高地位相称。
• He received respect because he was a person of exalted rank.他因为是个地位崇高的人而受到尊敬。

7 everlasting   

adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的

参考例句：

• These tyres are advertised as being everlasting.广告上说轮胎持久耐用。
• He believes in everlasting life after death.他相信死后有不朽的生命。

8 gratitude   

adj.感激，感谢

参考例句：

• I have expressed the depth of my gratitude to him.我向他表示了深切的谢意。
• She could not help her tears of gratitude rolling down her face.她感激的泪珠禁不住沿着面颊流了下来。

9 effaced   

v.擦掉( efface的过去式和过去分词 )；抹去；超越；使黯然失色

参考例句：

• Someone has effaced part of the address on his letter. 有人把他信上的一部分地址擦掉了。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
• The name of the ship had been effaced from the menus. 那艘船的名字已经从菜单中删除了。 来自辞典例句

10 forsake   

vt.遗弃，抛弃；舍弃，放弃

参考例句：

• She pleaded with her husband not to forsake her.她恳求丈夫不要抛弃她。
• You must forsake your bad habits.你必须革除你的坏习惯。

11 worthy   

adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的

参考例句：

• I did not esteem him to be worthy of trust.我认为他不值得信赖。
• There occurred nothing that was worthy to be mentioned.没有值得一提的事发生。

12 gushed   

v.喷，涌( gush的过去式和过去分词 )；滔滔不绝地说话

参考例句：

• Oil gushed from the well. 石油从井口喷了出来。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
• Clear water gushed into the irrigational channel. 清澈的水涌进了灌溉渠道。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》

13 hearty   

adj.热情友好的；衷心的；尽情的，纵情的

参考例句：

• After work they made a hearty meal in the worker's canteen.工作完了，他们在工人食堂饱餐了一顿。
• We accorded him a hearty welcome.我们给他热忱的欢迎。

14 lustreless   

adj.无光泽的，无光彩的，平淡乏味的

参考例句：

• The early autumn was lustreless and slack. 初秋的日子是黯淡、萧条的。 来自辞典例句
• The day was cool and rather lustreless; the first note of autumn had been struck. 这天天气阴凉，光线暗淡，秋色已开始来临。 来自辞典例句

15 bent   

n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的

参考例句：

• He was fully bent upon the project.他一心扑在这项计划上。
• We bent over backward to help them.我们尽了最大努力帮助他们。

16 decrepit   

adj.衰老的，破旧的

参考例句：

• The film had been shot in a decrepit old police station.该影片是在一所破旧不堪的警察局里拍摄的。
• A decrepit old man sat on a park bench.一个衰弱的老人坐在公园的长凳上。

17 dingy   

adj.昏暗的，肮脏的

参考例句：

• It was a street of dingy houses huddled together. 这是一条挤满了破旧房子的街巷。
• The dingy cottage was converted into a neat tasteful residence.那间脏黑的小屋已变成一个整洁雅致的住宅。

18 crumbling   

adj.摇摇欲坠的

参考例句：

• an old house with crumbling plaster and a leaking roof 一所灰泥剥落、屋顶漏水的老房子
• The boat was tied up alongside a crumbling limestone jetty. 这条船停泊在一个摇摇欲坠的石灰岩码头边。

19 vista   

n.远景，深景，展望，回想

参考例句：

• From my bedroom window I looked out on a crowded vista of hills and rooftops.我从卧室窗口望去，远处尽是连绵的山峦和屋顶。
• These uprisings come from desperation and a vista of a future without hope.发生这些暴动是因为人们被逼上了绝路，未来看不到一点儿希望。

20 solitary   

adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士

参考例句：

• I am rather fond of a solitary stroll in the country.我颇喜欢在乡间独自徜徉。
• The castle rises in solitary splendour on the fringe of the desert.这座城堡巍然耸立在沙漠的边际，显得十分壮美。

21 grudge   

n.不满，怨恨，妒嫉；vt.勉强给，不情愿做

参考例句：

• I grudge paying so much for such inferior goods.我不愿花这么多钱买次品。
• I do not grudge him his success.我不嫉妒他的成功。

22 serene   

adj. 安详的，宁静的，平静的

参考例句：

• He has entered the serene autumn of his life.他已进入了美好的中年时期。
• He didn't speak much,he just smiled with that serene smile of his.他话不多，只是脸上露出他招牌式的淡定的微笑。

23 distress   

n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛

参考例句：

• Nothing could alleviate his distress.什么都不能减轻他的痛苦。
• Please don't distress yourself.请你不要忧愁了。

24 remorse   

n.痛恨，悔恨，自责

参考例句：

• She had no remorse about what she had said.她对所说的话不后悔。
• He has shown no remorse for his actions.他对自己的行为没有任何悔恨之意。

25 throb   

v.震颤，颤动；(急速强烈地)跳动，搏动

参考例句：

• She felt her heart give a great throb.她感到自己的心怦地跳了一下。
• The drums seemed to throb in his ears.阵阵鼓声彷佛在他耳边震响。

26 anguish   

n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼

参考例句：

• She cried out for anguish at parting.分手时，她由于痛苦而失声大哭。
• The unspeakable anguish wrung his heart.难言的痛苦折磨着他的心。

27 bliss   

n.狂喜，福佑，天赐的福

参考例句：

• It's sheer bliss to be able to spend the day in bed.整天都可以躺在床上真是幸福。
• He's in bliss that he's won the Nobel Prize.他非常高兴，因为获得了诺贝尔奖金。