‘I beg your pardon,’ she said involuntarily. ‘I—had nothing to do. It is a wonderful pattern. I thought I should like to copy it——’
‘Surely, my dear—and very prettily2 you have done it too; but you must try to recollect3 that everything is yours, and that you have no need to ask pardon. I want you to come with me into my library. I believe you have never seen my library, Joyce.’
No, she had not been able to take the freedom either of a child of the house or of an ordinary visitor. She was afraid to go anywhere beyond the ordinary thoroughfare, from dining-room to drawing-room. ‘I saw an open door,’ she said, ‘and some books.’
‘But you did not come in? Come now. I have something to say to you.’ There was a look in the old soldier’s eye of unlawful pleasure, a gratification enhanced by the danger of being found out, and perhaps suffering for it. He led Joyce away with the glee of a truant4 schoolboy. ‘My wife is busy,’ he said, with an air of innocent hypocrisy5. ‘She can’t want either of us for the moment. Come in, come in. And, my dear,’ he said, putting again his caressing6 hand upon his daughter’s shoulder, ‘remember, that when I am not in the garden, I’m here: and when you have anything to say to your father, I’m always ready—always ready. I hope you will learn—to take your father into your confidence, Joyce.
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’
She did not make any reply; her head drooped7, and her voice was choked. He was so kind—and yet confidence was so hard a thing to give.
‘That reminds me,’ he said, still more gently, ‘that I don’t think you ever call me father, Joyce.’
‘Oh,’ she said, not daring to lift her eyes, ‘but I think it—in my heart.’
‘You must say it—with your lips, my dear; and you must not be afraid of the people who are nearest to you in the world. You must have confidence in us, Joyce. And now look here, my little girl; I have something to give you—not any pretty thing for a present,’ said the Colonel, sitting down before his desk and pulling out a drawer, ‘but something we can’t get on without. I got it for you in this form that you might use it as you please; remember it is not for clothes but only for your own pleasure, to do what you like with.’ He held out to her, with the most fatherly kind smile, four crisp and clean five-pound notes. Joyce looked at them bewildered, not knowing what they were, and then gave a choking cry, and drew back, covering her face with her hands.
‘Money!’ she cried, and a pang8 of mortification9 went through her like the sharp stab of a knife.
‘Well, my dear, you must have money, and who should give it you but your father? Joyce! why, this is worse and worse.’ The Colonel grew angry in his complete bewilderment, and the disagreeable sensation of kindness refused. ‘What can you mean?’ he cried; ‘am I to have nothing to do with you though you are my daughter?’ He got up from his chair impatiently. ‘I thought you would like it to be between ourselves. I made a little secret of it, thinking to please you. No; I confess that I don’t understand you, Joyce: if Elizabeth were here, I should tell her so.’ He flung down the notes upon his table, where they lay fluttering in the morning breeze that came in at the open window. ‘She must do what she can, for I don’t pretend to be able to do anything,’ the Colonel cried.
Joyce stood before him, collecting herself, calming down her own excitement as best she could. She said to herself that he was quite right—that it would have to be—that she had no independent life or plan of her own any more—that she must accept everything from her father’s hands. What right had she either to refuse or to resent? How foolish it was, how miserable10, ungenerous of her, not to be able to take! Must it not sometimes be more gracious, more sweet to take, to receive, than to give? And yet to accept this from one who was almost a stranger though
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her father, seemed impossible, and made her whole being, body and soul, quiver with that sensation of the intolerable in which there is neither rhyme nor reason. Though she was so young, she had provided for her own necessities for years. They were very few, and her little salary was very small; but she had done it, giving rather than getting—for naturally there was nothing to spare from Peter Matheson’s ploughman’s wages. She stood shrinking a little from her father’s displeasure—so unused to anything of the kind!—but with all these thoughts sweeping11 through the mind, which was only a girl’s mind, in many ways wayward and fantastic, but yet at bottom a clear spirit, candid12 and reasonable. This would have to be. She must accept the money, she who had been so independent. She must learn how to live, that tremendous lesson, in the manner possible to her, not in her own way. Once more she thought of her mother obeying her foolish impulse, flying from her troubles—only to fall fatally under them, and to leave their heritage to her daughter. It did not require a moment to bring all these reflections in a flood through her mind, nor even to touch her with the thought of her father’s little tender artifice13, and of how he had calculated no doubt that she would have presents to send, help to offer—or, at least, pleasure to bestow14. Perhaps her imagination put thoughts even more delicate and kind into the Colonel’s mind than those which were there—which was saying much. She recovered her voice with a great effort.
‘Father——’ she said, then paused again, struggling with something in her throat,— ‘I hope you will forgive me. I—never took money—from any one—before——’
‘You never had your father before to give it you, Joyce.’ A little word calmed down the Colonel’s superficial resentment15. It did more, it went straight to his heart. He came up to her and put his arm round her. ‘My child,’ he said, in the words of the parable16, ’"all that I have is thine.” You forget that.’
‘Father, if I could only feel that you were mine. It is all wrong—all wrong!’ cried Joyce. ‘It is like what the Bible says; I want to be born again.’
The Colonel did not know what to say to this, which seemed to him almost profane17; but he did better than speaking—he held her close to him, and patted her shoulder softly with his large tender hand.
‘And I will, I will,’ said Joyce, with a Scotch18 confusion of tenses, ‘if you will have a little patience with me. It cannot come all in a moment; but I will, I will.’
‘We’ll all have patience,’ said the Colonel, stooping over her,
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feeling in his general weakness, and with even a passing sigh for Elizabeth going through his mind, that it was sweet to have the positions reversed sometimes, and to feel somebody depend upon him, and appeal to his superior wisdom.
At this moment Mrs. Hayward opened the door of her husband’s room quickly, coming in with natural freedom. She stopped ‘as if she had been shot’ when she saw this group—Joyce sheltered in her father’s arm, leaning against him. She made a rapid exclamation19, ‘Oh!’ and turning as quickly as she had come, closed the door after her with a quick clear sound which said more than words. She did not slam it—far from that. She would not have done such a thing, neither for her own sake, nor out of regard for what the servants would say: but she shut it sharply, distinctly, with a punctuation20 which was more emphatic21 than any full stop could be.
In the afternoon there were callers, and Joyce became aware, for the first time, of the social difficulties of her position. She heard the words, ‘brought up by relations in Scotland,’ as she went through the drawing-room to the verandah where the visitors were sitting with Mrs. Hayward. Joyce did not apply the words to herself, but she perceived a little stir of interest when she appeared timidly at the glass door. The lady was a little woman, precise and neat, with an indescribable air of modest importance, yet insignificance22, which Joyce learned afterwards to understand, and the gentleman was in a long black coat, with a soft felt hat in his hands. Eyes more instructed would have divined the clergyman and clergywoman of the district, not rector and rectoress, but simple incumbents23. They rose up to meet her, and shook hands in a marked way, as ‘taking an interest’ in a new member of their little cure; but Joyce, unaccustomed, did not understand the meaning of this warmth. It disconcerted her a little, and so did the conversation into which Mr. Sitwell at once began to draw her, while his wife conversed24 in a lower tone with the lady of the house. He talked to her of the river and boating, of which she knew nothing, and then of lawn-tennis, to which her response was not more warm. The good clergyman thought that perhaps the game had not penetrated25 to the wilds of Scotland, and changed the subject.
‘We are going to have our children’s treat next week,’ he said. ‘It would be very kind of you to come and help my wife, who has everything to manage. Our district is but a new one—we have not much aid as yet. Do you take any interest in schools, Miss Hayward?
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’
‘Oh yes, a great interest,’ cried Joyce, lighting26 up, ‘that is just my——’ she was going to say profession, having a high opinion of the dignity of her former office: but before the word was said she caught a warning glance from Mrs. Hayward—‘it is what I care most for in the world,’ she said, with a sudden blush of shame to feel herself stopped in that avowal27 of enthusiasm for the work itself.
‘Indeed!’ cried the clergyman. ‘Do you hear, Dora? here is a help for you. Miss Hayward says that schools are what she cares most for in the world.’
‘Joyce says a little more than she means,’ said Mrs. Hayward quickly. ‘Young ladies have a way of being enthusiastic.’
‘Don’t damp it, please!’ cried Mrs. Sitwell, clasping her hands; ‘enthusiasm is so beautiful in young people: and there is so little of it. Oh, how delighted I shall be to have your help! The district is so new—as my husband would tell you.’
‘Of course I have enlisted28 Miss Hayward at once,’ cried he. ‘She is going to help at the school feast.’
‘Oh, thank you, THANK you,’ cried the clergyman’s wife, with devotion, once more clasping her hands.
Mrs. Hayward’s voice was more dry than ever—there was a sharp ring in it, which Joyce had begun to know. ‘You must let her give you an answer later,’ she said. ‘She doesn’t know her engagements yet. We have several things to do. When must I send in the cakes, Mrs. Sitwell? We always calculate, you know, on helping29 in that way.’
‘You are always so kind, dear Mrs. Hayward, so kind! How can we ever thank you enough!’ said the clergywoman. ‘Always kind,’ her husband echoed, with an impressive shake of Mrs. Hayward’s hand, and afterwards of Joyce’s, who was confused by so much feeling. Her step-mother was drier still as they went away.
‘I must ask you, just at first, to make no engagements without consulting me,’ she said very rigidly30. ‘You cannot know—at first—what it is best for your own interests to do.’
Should she say that she had made no engagements, and wished for none? It is hard not to defend one’s self when one is blamed. But Joyce took the wiser way, and assented31 without explanations. She had scarcely time to do more when other people came—people more important, as was at once evident—a large lady in black satin and lace, a younger, slimmer one in white. They filled the verandah, which was not very broad, with the sweep of their draperies. They both gave a little glance of surprise when Miss
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Hayward was presented to them, and the elder lady permitted herself an ‘Oh——!’ She retired32 to the end of the verandah, where Mrs. Hayward had installed herself. ‘I never knew before that you had a grown-up daughter. I always thought, indeed, that there were no——’
‘My husband’s daughter by his first marriage,’ said Mrs. Hayward. ‘She has never lived at home. In India, you know, children can never be kept with their parents.’
‘It is a dreadful drawback. I am so glad my girls will have nothing to say to Indian men.’
The lady in white had begun to talk to Joyce, but the girl’s ears were intent on the other conversation which she felt to concern herself. She made vague replies, not knowing what she said, the two voices in the distance drawing all her attention from the one more near.
‘So she had to be left with relations—quite old-fashioned people—and she is very simple, and knows very little of the world.’
‘The less the better,’ said the visitor, whose name Joyce had not caught; and then there was a pause, and the young lady’s voice became more audible, close to her ear.
‘Brought up in Scotland? Oh, I hope you are not one of the learned ladies. Don’t they go in tremendously for education in Scotland?’ her visitor said.
‘They say our Scotch schools are the best,’ said Joyce sedately33, with a mixture of national and professional pride.
‘Oh yes, so everybody says; you are taught everything. I know Scotland a little: everybody goes there in the autumn, don’t you know? I wonder if I have been in your part of the country? Papa has a moor34 whenever he can afford it. And we have quantities of Scotch cousins all over the place.’
‘It was near Edinburgh,’ said Joyce, with a little hesitation35.
‘Yes? I have been at several places near Edinburgh,’ said the young lady. ‘Craigmoor where the Sinclairs live, for one. They are relations of ours. And there is another house, a very nice house close by, Bellendean. I suppose you know the Bellendeans.’
The colour rushed over Joyce’s face. She remembered her difficulties no more. The very sound of the name filled her with pleasure and encouragement.
‘Bellendean!’ she said; ‘oh, indeed, I know Bellendean! I know it better than any place in the world. And I know the lady—oh, better than any one. And would it be Miss Greta that was your cousin——?’ Joyce’s countenance36 shone. She forgot all about those bewildering explanations which she had overheard:
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and about herself, whose presence had to be accounted for. For a moment her natural ease and unconsciousness came back, and she felt herself Joyce again.
Mrs. Hayward rose suddenly from her chair. She, too, had been listening, through her own conversation, to the other voices. She made a step forward— ‘So you know the Bellendeans,’ she said, with an agitated37 smile. ‘We have just been staying there, and can give you the latest news of them. What a small world it is, as everybody says! I only heard of them for the first time when we went to fetch Joyce: and now I find my nearest neighbours know all about them! Joyce, will you ask if Baker38 is bringing tea?’
Lady St. Clair and her daughter gave each other a glance of mutual39 inquiry40. And Joyce, as she obeyed, with a curious pang of wonder and pleasure and annoyance41, heard the discussion begin, the interchange of questions mingled42 with remarks about her friends, the names so dear to her passing from mouth to mouth. She was sent away who knew all about them, while her stepmother, who knew so little, talked, adopting an air of familiarity. Why was she sent away? Then she remembered suddenly on what a humble43 footing she could alone claim knowledge of the Bellendeans, and divined with a shock of sudden pain that it was to stop any revelations on that subject that she had been despatched on this unnecessary errand. Joyce paused in the luxurious44 room, which seemed somehow to absorb all the air and leave none to breathe. Oh for the freedom of Bellendean, where everybody knew who she was and thought no harm! Oh for the little cottage, where there were no pretences45! The great and the small were easy, they understood each other; but this middle country, all full of reserves and assumptions which lay between, how was an ignorant creature to learn how to live in it, to avoid the snares46 and keep clear of the pitfalls47, not to contradict or expose the falsehoods, and yet to be herself true?
Mrs. Hayward, on her side, sitting painfully talking as if she knew all about these people, whom she thought she hated, so much were they involved with this painful episode of her life, was no more happy than Joyce. To think that her neighbours, the best people about, those whose friendship was most desirable, should be mixed up with the Bellendeans, who knew everything! So that now her skilful49 little romance must fall to the ground, and all the story be fully48 known.
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1
guilt
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| n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责 | |
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prettily
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| adv.优美地；可爱地 | |
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recollect
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| v.回忆，想起，记起，忆起，记得 | |
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truant
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| n.懒惰鬼，旷课者；adj.偷懒的，旷课的，游荡的；v.偷懒，旷课 | |
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hypocrisy
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| n.伪善，虚伪 | |
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caressing
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| 爱抚的，表现爱情的，亲切的 | |
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7
drooped
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| 弯曲或下垂，发蔫( droop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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8
pang
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| n.剧痛，悲痛，苦闷 | |
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9
mortification
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| n.耻辱，屈辱 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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sweeping
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| adj.范围广大的，一扫无遗的 | |
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12
candid
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| adj.公正的，正直的；坦率的 | |
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13
artifice
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| n.妙计，高明的手段；狡诈，诡计 | |
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bestow
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| v.把…赠与，把…授予；花费 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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16
parable
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| n.寓言，比喻 | |
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17
profane
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| adj.亵神的，亵渎的；vt.亵渎，玷污 | |
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18
scotch
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| n.伤口，刻痕；苏格兰威士忌酒；v.粉碎，消灭，阻止；adj.苏格兰(人)的 | |
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19
exclamation
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| n.感叹号，惊呼，惊叹词 | |
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20
punctuation
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| n.标点符号，标点法 | |
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21
emphatic
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| adj.强调的，着重的；无可置疑的，明显的 | |
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22
insignificance
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| n.不重要；无价值；无意义 | |
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23
incumbents
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| 教区牧师( incumbent的名词复数 )； 教会中的任职者 | |
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conversed
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| v.交谈，谈话( converse的过去式 ) | |
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25
penetrated
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| adj. 击穿的，鞭辟入里的 动词penetrate的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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26
lighting
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| n.照明，光线的明暗，舞台灯光 | |
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27
avowal
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| n.公开宣称，坦白承认 | |
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28
enlisted
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| adj.应募入伍的v.（使）入伍， （使）参军( enlist的过去式和过去分词 )；获得（帮助或支持） | |
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29
helping
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| n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的 | |
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rigidly
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| adv.刻板地，僵化地 | |
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31
assented
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| 同意，赞成( assent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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32
retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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sedately
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| adv.镇静地，安详地 | |
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34
moor
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| n.荒野，沼泽；vt.(使)停泊；vi.停泊 | |
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hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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37
agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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38
baker
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| n.面包师 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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40
inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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41
annoyance
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| n.恼怒，生气，烦恼 | |
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42
mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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43
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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44
luxurious
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| adj.精美而昂贵的；豪华的 | |
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45
pretences
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| n.假装( pretence的名词复数 )；作假；自命；自称 | |
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46
snares
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| n.陷阱( snare的名词复数 )；圈套；诱人遭受失败（丢脸、损失等）的东西；诱惑物v.用罗网捕捉，诱陷，陷害( snare的第三人称单数 ) | |
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47
pitfalls
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| （捕猎野兽用的）陷阱( pitfall的名词复数 )； 意想不到的困难，易犯的错误 | |
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48
fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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49
skilful
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| (=skillful)adj.灵巧的，熟练的 | |
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