The disintegration1 of Rennie that September was not often an entertaining spectacleto observe, for although, as she pointed2 out, it is not self-evident that every personality is valuable simply because it's unique, nevertheless I could seldom enjoy contributing to the unhappiness of people whom I'd come to know at all well. There is no humanitarianism3 in this fact: for humankind in general I had no feeling one way or the other, and the plight4 of some specific people, Peggy Rankin for example, I must say concerned me not at all. This is merely a description of my reactionism -- I wouldn't attempt to defend it as an assumed position.
The trouble, I suppose, is that the more one learns about a given person, the more difficult it becomes to assign a character to him that will allow one to deal with him effectively in an emotional situation. Mythotherapy, in short, becomes increasingly harder to apply, because one is compelled to recognize the inadequacy5 of any role one assigns. Existence not only precedes essence: in the case of human beings it rather defies essence. And as soon as one knows a person well enough to hold contradictory6 opinions about him, Mythotherapy goes out the window, except at times when one is no more than half awake.
There were such times, but they were few. The latter part of the evening just described was one: when at length I carried Rennie to the bed (excited by her heaviness) I was able to do so only because, for better or worse, enough of my alertness was gone to permit me to dramatize the situation as part of a romantic contest between symbols. Joe was The Reason, or Being (I was using Rennie's cosmos7); I was The Unreason, or Not-Being; and the two of us were fighting without quarter for possession of Rennie, like God and Satan for the soul of Man. This pretty ontological Manichaeism would certainly stand no close examination, but it had the triple virtue8 of excusing me from having to assign to Rennie any essence more specific than The Human Personality, further of allowing me to fornicate with her with a Mephistophelean relish9, and finally of making it possible for me not to question my motives10, since what I was doing was of the essence of my essence. Does one look for introspection from Satan?
As for Rennie, she had by that time very nearly reached the condition of paralysis11, and it was, I believe, with something like relief that she allowed me to cast her in the role of Mankind; what drama was onher mind I couldn't say. I took her home afterwards.
"Aren't you going to come in for a while?" she asked numbly12.
But my little play had dissipated with my sexual ardor13, and I was vegetable.
"Nope. I'll see you around."
For the rest, I felt mostly a generalized pity for the Morgans, especially for Rennie. Joe, after all, was behaving pretty consistently with his position, and that knowledge can be comforting even in cases where the position leads to defeat or disaster, as when a bridge player plays out a losing hand perfectly14 or an Othello loves not wisely but too well. But Rennie no longer had a position to act consistently with, not even the position of acting15 inconsistently, and yet, unlike my own, her personality was such that it seemed to require a position in order to preserve itself.
She came to my room three times during September and once in October. The first visit I've already described. The second, on Wednesday of the following week, was quite different: Rennie seemed warm, strong, even gay and a little wild. We made love zestfully16 at once -- she went so far as to tease me for being less energetic a lover than her husband -- and afterwards she talked animatedly17 for an hour or so over a quart of California muscatel she'd brought with her.
"Lord, I've been silly lately!" she laughed. "Mooning and crying around like a schoolgirl!"
"Oh?"
"How in the world could I have taken this business so seriously? You know what happened to me last night?"
"No."
"I popped awake at three in the morning -- wide awake, like I've been doing every night since this business started. Usually I get the shakes when that happens, and either sit up the rest of the night shivering and sweating or else wake up Joe and go over the whole thing with him again. Well, last night I woke up as usual, and the moon was shining in and I could see Joe lying there asleep -- he looks adolescent when he's asleep! -- and for some reason or other while I was watching him he started picking his nose in his sleep!" She giggled18 at the memory and burped slightly from the wine. "Excuse me."
"Certainly."
"Well, that reminded me of that night we peeked19 in on him through the living-room window, only this time instead of hurting me it just struck me funny! The whole thing struck me funny, and how we were taking it. Joe seemed like a teenager trying to make a tragedy out of nothing, and you just seemed completely ineffectual. Does this make you mad?" She laughed.
"Of course not."
"And I've been being a runny-nose little girl myself, crying all over the place and letting you two bully20 me around about such a stupid thing. I felt just like I feel when I let the kids get me down. Lots of times when the kids scream and fight all day I get so worked up at them I end up screaming and crying myself, and I always feel silly afterwards and a little bit ashamed. How can grown people make so much fuss over something so silly? Especially married people with kids?"
"Poor little coitus," I smiled. In fact, Rennie's high spirits produced a contrary feeling in me: the happier she grew, the more glum21 I became, and the more she professed22 to take the matter lightly, the graver it seemed to me.
"Such a completely insignificant23 thing to take seriously! It's hardly worth thinking about, much less breaking up a marriage over! I could sleep with a hundred different men and not feel any different about Joe!"
"Well, now," I protested snappishly, "of course nothing's significant in itself, but anything's serious that you want to take seriously. There's no reason to make fun of another man's seriousnesses."
"Oh, stop it!" Rennie cried. "You're as bad as Joe is. I think all our trouble comes from thinking too much and talking too much. We talk ourselves into all kinds of messes that would disappear if everybody just shut up about them." She drank another glass of wine -- her fourth or fifth -- while I still nursed my first one. "You know what I think? I think none of this would have happened if we all didn't have so much time on our hands. I really do. You claim you don't know how you could ever have begun the whole business, but I think you did it because you're bored."
"Is that so?"
"You don't have any ambitions, you're not very busy or very handsome, you live by yourself. I think of you up here all day long, rocking in your rocking chair, daydreaming24 and cooking up schemes, just because you're bored. I think the key to your whole character is that you're just bored."
"I'm not just anything," I said without conviction. "Maybealso bored, but neverjust bored." Rennie, it was clear, was practicing a little layman25's Mythotherapy herself: anybody who starts talking in terms of keys to people's characters is making myths, because the mystery of people is not to be explained by keys. But I was too glum just then to take more than perfunctory note of her playwriting.
"Well,I think you're just bored; I don't care what you think. I don't care what you or Joe either one thinks about this mess or about me any more: I've stopped taking it seriously. I've even stopped thinking about it."
"Good for you."
"That gets under your skin, though, doesn't it?" she laughed. "It takes the fun out of it when I stop being hurt. Well, the devil with you! I've stopped being hurt. Look how down in the mouth you are. You look like you've messed your pants or something." The idea amused her; she giggled vinously. "That's just how Joe looked this morning -- gloomy as a prophet. You're pouting26 because your game is spoiled. Now cheer up and get drunk with me or else take me home."
I emptied my glass and refilled it. "You realize, of course, that I don't believe a word of this. It's brave, but it's not convincing."
"You don't dare believe it," Rennie taunted27.
"I don't dare to, and you couldn't if your life depended on it."
"I don't care," Rennie declared. "I don't give a damn."
"I don't believe Joe knows anything about it either."
"I don't care."
"He wouldn't get gloomy. He'd walk out."
"That's what you think. We're tied tighter than that. I don't know why I worried in the first place; no piece of nonsense like this could break Joe and me up. It would take a stronger person than you, Jake. You don't really know anything about Joe and me. Not a damned thing."
"I said last time you should tell him to go to hell."
"Maybe I'll tell you both to go to hell."
"Okay, girl, but watch that left hook of his when you do."
This remark canceled the effects of at least three glasses of muscatel.
"I don't think Joe would ever hit me again," she said seriously.
"Then skip home with that quart of muscatel in you, tweak his nose for him, and tell him you can't think seriously any more about anything as silly as your sex life," I suggested. "Tell him the whole trouble is he thinks too much."
"He wouldn't hit me, Jake. He'd never do that again."
"He'd fracture your damn jaw28 for you. Tell him he's acting like a high-school boy! He'll lay you out cold and you know it. Come on, I'll go along with you. If you're right we'll all three chuckle29 and chortle and snot our noses. We'll shake hands all around and our troubles will be over."
Rennie was entirely30 sober now.
"I hate you," she said. "You won't let me even try to be halfway31 happy again for a minute, will you? I can't even pretend to be happy."
And(mirabile dictu) as soon as she assumed my glumness32, I was free of it -- took up her lost gaiety, in fact, and poured myself another glass of muscatel.
"You feel great, don't you?" Rennie cried.
"Happy, happy human perversity33. I'm genuinely sorry, Rennie."
"You're genuinely cheerful!" she said, whipping her head from side to side.
But such precarious34 good spirits as these of Rennie's and such unnecessary cruelty as this of mine were rare. Just as the second visit had borne little resemblance to the first, the third (and last in September) was nothing at all like the second. By this time I was involved enough in teaching so that my moods more and more often had their origin in the classroom. On this particular day, the last Friday in September, I felt acute, tuned-up, razor-sharp, simply because in my grammar class that morning I'd explained the rules governing the case forms of English pronouns: it gives a man a great sense of lucidity36 and well-being37, if not downright formidability, to be able not only to say, but to understand perfectly, that predicate complements38 of infinitives39 of copulative verbs without expressed subjects go into the nominative case, whereas predicate complements of infinitives of copulative verbswith expressed subjects go into the objective case. I made this observation to my awed40 assemblage of young scholars and concluded triumphantly41, "I was thought to behe, but I thought John to behim! Questions?"
"Aw, look," protested a troublesome fellow -- in the back of the room, of course -- whom I'd early decided42 to flunk43 if possible for his impertinence, "which came first, the language or the grammar books?"
"What's on your mind, Blakesley?" I demanded, refusing to play his game.
"Well, it stands to reason people talked before they wrote grammar books, and all the books did was tell how people were talking. For instance, when my roommate makes a phone call I ask him, 'Who were you talking to?' Everybody in this class would say, 'Who were you talking to?' I'll bet ninety-nine per cent of the people of America would say, 'Who were you talking to?' Nobody's going to say, 'To whom were you just now talking?' I'll bet even you wouldn't say it. It sounds queer, don't it?" The class snickered. "Now this is supposed to be a democracy, so if nobody but a few profs ever say, 'To whom were you just now speaking?', why go on pretending we're all out of step but you? Why not change the rules?"
A Joe Morgan type, this lad: paths should be laid where people walk. I hated his guts44.
"Mr. Blakesley, I suppose you eat your fried chicken with your fingers?"
"What? Sure I do. Don't you?"
The class tittered, engrossed45 in the duel46, but as of this last rather flat sally they were not so unreservedly allied47 with him as before.
"And your bacon at breakfast? Fingers or fork, Mr. Blakesley?"
"Fingers," he said defiantly48. "Sure, that's right, fingers were invented before forks, just like English was invented before grammar books."
"But notyour fingers, as the saying goes," I smiled coolly, "and not your English -- God knows!" The class was with me all the way: prescriptive grammar was victorious49.
"The point is," I concluded to the class in general, "that if we were still savages51, Mr. Blakesley would be free to eat like a swine without breaking any rules, because there'd be no rules to break, and he could say, 'It sounds queer, don't it?' to his heart's content without being recognized as illiterate52, because literacy -- the grammar rules -- wouldn't have been invented. But once a set of rules for etiquette53 or grammar is established and generally accepted as the norm -- meaning the ideal, not the average -- then one is free to break them only if he's willing to be generally regarded as a savage50 or an illiterate. No matter how dogmatic or unreasonable54 the rules might be, they're the convention. And in the case of language there's still another reason for going along with even the silliest rules. Mr. Blakesley, what does the wordhorse refer to?"
Mr. Blakesley was sullen55, but he replied, "The animal. Four-legged animal."
"Equus caballus,"I agreed: "a solid-hoofed, herbivorous mammal. And what does the algebraic symbolx stand for?"
"x?Anything. It's an unknown."
"Good. Then the symbolx can represent anything we want it to represent, as long as it always represents the same thing in a given equation. Buthorse is just a symbol too -- a noise that we make in our throats or some scratches on the blackboard. And theoretically we could make it stand for anything we wanted to also, couldn't we? I mean, if you and I agreed that just between ourselves the wordhorse would meangrammar book, then we could say, 'Open your horse to Page Twenty,' or 'Did you bring your horse to class with you today?' And we two would know what we meant, wouldn't we?"
"Sure, I guess so." With all his heart Mr. Blakesley didn't want to agree. He sensed that he was somehow trapped, but there was no way out.
"Of course we would. But nobody else would understand us -- that's the whole principle of secret codes. Yet there's ultimately no reason why the symbolhorse shouldn't always refer to grammar book instead of toEquus caballus: the significance of words are arbitrary conventions, mostly; historical accidents. But it was agreed before you and I had any say in the matter that the wordhorse would refer toEquus caballus, and so if we want our sentences to be intelligible56 to very many people, we have to go along with the convention. We have to sayhorse when we meanEquus caballus, andgrammar book when we mean this object here on my desk. You're free to break the rules, but not if you're after intelligibility57. If youdo want intelligibility, then the only way to get 'free' of the rules is to master them so thoroughly58 that they're second nature to you. That's the paradox59: in any kind of complicated society a man is usually free only to the extent that he embraces all the rules of that society. Who's more free in America?" I asked finally. "The man who rebels against all the laws or the man who follows them so automatically that he never even has to think about them?"
This last, to be sure, was a gross equivocation61, but I was not out to edify62 anybody; I was out to rescue prescriptive grammar from the clutches of my impudent63 Mr. Blakesley, and, if possible, to crucify him in the process.
"But, Mr. Horner," said a worried young man -- in the front row, of course -- "people are always finding better ways to do things, aren't they? And usually they have to change the rules to make improvements. If nobody rebelled against the rules there'd never be any progress."
I regarded the young man benignly64: he would survive any horse manure65 of mine.
"That's another paradox," I said to him. "Rebels and radicals67 at all times are people who see that the rules are often arbitrary -- always ultimately arbitrary -- and who can't abide68 arbitrary rules. These are the free lovers, the women who smoke cigars, the Greenwich Village characters who don't get haircuts, and all kinds of reformers. But the greatest radical66 in any society is the man who sees all the arbitrariness of the rules and social conventions, but who has such a great scorn or disregard for the society he lives in that he embraces the whole wagonload of nonsense with a smile. The greatest rebelis the man who wouldn't change society for anything in the world."
So. This troubled my bright young man no end, I'm sure, and to the rest of the class it was doubtless incomprehensible, but its effect on me was to add to my already-established sense of acumen69 the delicate spice of slightly smiling paradox. The mood persisted throughout the day: I left school with my head full of the Janusian ambivalence70 of the universe, and I walked through the world's charming equipoise, its ubiquitous polarity, to my room, where at nine o'clock that evening Rennie found me rocking in my chair, still faintly smiling at my friend Laoco?n, whose grimace71 was his beauty.
She was nervous and quiet. We said hello to each other, and she stood about clumsily for a minute before sitting down. Clearly, some new stage had been reached.
"What now?" I asked her.
She made no answer, but ticked her cheek and gestured vacantly with her right hand.
"How's Joe?"
"The same."
"Oh. How're you?"
"I don't know. Going crazy."
"Joe hasn't been giving you a hard time, has he?"
She looked at me for a moment.
"He's God," she said. "He's just God."
"So I understand."
"All this week he's been wonderful. Not like he was just after he got back from Washington -- that wasn't normal for him. You'd think it was all over and done with."
"Why shouldn't it be? That's how I felt the day after it happened."
She sighed. "So, I just mentioned offhand72 that I didn't feel like coming up here any more -- didn't see any point to it."
"Good."
"He didn't say a word. He just gave me a long look that made me wish I was dead. Then tonight he saidhe'd pretty much come to accept this as a part of me, even though he couldn't understand why it had started, and he'd respect me more if I was consistent than if I repudiated73 what I'd done. Then he said he didn't see any need to talk about it any more, and that was that."
"Well, by God, then, the trouble's all over with, isn't it?"
"Except that I don't particularly believe him, and even if I did, I don't recognize myself any more."
"That's not so awful. I almost never do."
"But Joe always does. So nothing's solved as long as I can't be as authentic74 as he is, and see myself in what I do as clearly as I see him in what he does. Joe's always recognizable."
I smiled. "Almost always."
"You mean that time we spied on him? Oh, Jesus!" She shook her head. "Jake, you know what? I wish I'd been struck blind before I looked in that window. That's what started everything."
Sweet paradox: "Or you could say that's what ended everything. But it would start or end anything only for a Morgan. Certainly not for a Horner. In my cosmos everybody is part chimpanzee, especially when he's by himself, and nobody's terribly surprised by anything the other chimpanzees do."
"Not Joe, though."
"Maybe the guy who fools himself least is the one who admits that we're all just kidding.'"
Sweet, sweet paradox!
"Joe and I have done a real Marcel Proust on this thing," Rennie said sadly. "We've taken it apart from every point of view we could think of. Sometimes I think I've never understood anything as thoroughly in my life as I do this, and other times -- like after I was up here last time, and now -- I realize I don't understand any more than I ever did. It's all still a mystery. It tears me up even when I don't see anything to be torn up about."
"What does Joe think of me lately?"
"I don't know. I don't think he hates you any more. Probably he just doesn't care to deal with you. He thinks your part in it was probably characteristic of you."
"Which me, for heaven's sake?" I laughed. "How about you?"
"I still despise you, I think," Rennie said unemotionally.
"Clear through?"
"As far as I can see."
This thrilled me from head to foot. I had been not interested in Rennie this night until she said this, but now I was acutely interested in her.
"Has this been just since we slept together?"
"I don't know how much of it is retroactive, Jake; right now I think I've disliked you ever since I've known you, but I guess that's not so. I've had some kind of feeling about you at least since we started the riding lessons, and as far as I can see now it was a kind of dislike. Abhorrence75, I guess, is a better word. I don't believe in anything like premonitions, but I swear I've wished ever since August that we'd never met you, even though I couldn't have said why."
I felt way high on a mountaintop, thinking widely and uncloudedly; hundred-eyed Argus was not more synoptic.
"I'll bet I know one point of view you and Joe didn't try, Rennie."
"We tried them all," she said.
I felt like the end of an Ellery Queen novel.
"Not this one. And by the Law of Parsimony76 it's good, because it accounts for the most facts by the fewest assumptions. It's simple as hell: we didn't just copulate; we made love. What you've felt all along and couldn't admit to yourself was that you love me."
"That's right," Rennie breathed, looking at me tautly77.
"It could be. I'm not being vain. At least I'm notjust being vain."
"That's not what I meant," Rennie said, and she had some difficulty saying it. "I meant -- it's not right that I've never admitted it to myself."
Now her eyes showed real abhorrence, but it was not clear in them what or whom she abhorred78. I grew very excited.
"Well, I'll be damned!"
"That's one of the things that destroys me," Rennie said. "The idea that I might have been in love with you all the time occurred to me along with all the rest -- along with the idea that I despise you and the idea that I couldn't really feel anything about you because you don't exist. You know what I mean. I don't know which is true."
"I suppose they're all true, Rennie," I suggested. "While we're at it, did you ever consider that maybe Joe's the one who doesn't exist?"
"No." She whipped her head slowly. "I don't know."
"I don't think you have to be afraid of the idea that you feel some kind of love for me. Certainly it doesn't imply anything one way or the other about your feeling for Joe, unless you want to be romantic about it. In fact, I don't see where it implies anything, except that the whole affair is less mysterious than we'd supposed, and maybe less sordid79."
But Rennie clearly accepted none of this.
"Jake, I can't make love to you tonight."
"All right. I'll take you home."
In the car I kissed her gently. "I think this is great. It's funny as the devil."
"That's about right."
"Did you tell Joe you suspected this along with the rest?"
"No." She lowered her eyes. "And I can't ever tell him. That's the thing, Jake," she said, looking at me again. "I still love him more than he or anybody else suspects, but what we had before is just out. This makes it impossible. Even if it's actually not true that I love you, the possibility that I might -- the fact that I'm not sure I don't -- kills everything. It doesn't solve any problems: itis the problem. Can you imagine how it makes me feel when he says he's accepted my relationship with you, and tries to act as if nothing had happened? The whole damned thing's a lie from now on -- has been ever since I first admitted to myself that I might love you."
"Nothing has to be wrecked80, Rennie."
"It's already wrecked, what Joe and I had before, and it was the finest thing any man and woman ever had. There's no room in it for lies or divided affections. I feel like I've been robbed of a million dollars, Jake! If I'd shot him I couldn't feel worse!"
"Do you want me to come inside with you?" I asked.
"No."
"Aren't you just postponing81 things?"
"I'm postponing as much as I possibly can," she said, "for as long as I possibly can. I'm desperate, and that's the only thing I can think of to do."
"Joe might have allowed for the same possibility all along," I offered. "He's sharp and deep, and not afraid to look at all the alternatives."
"It wouldn't make any difference."
"I just don't see where the situation is desperate. It wouldn't be in my world."
"I'm not surprised," Rennie said. I wasn't sure whether she was crying or not, since it was dark in the car. I daresay she was. We sat for some minutes without speaking, and then she opened the door to get out.
"God, Jake, I don't know where all this will lead to."
"Neither does Joe," I said lightly. "Those were his very first words."
"For Christ's sake try to remember one thing, anyhow: if I love you at all, I don'tjust love you. I swear, along with it I honestly and truly hate your God-damned guts!"
"I'll remember," I said. "Good night, Rennie." She went in without replying, and I drove home to rock a bit and contemplate82 this new revelation. I was flattered beyond measure -- I responded easily and inordinately83 to any evidence of affection from people whom I admired or respected in any way. But -- well, perhaps this is specious84, but the connoisseur85 is by his very nature a hair-splitter. The thing is that even in my current mood I couldn't see much of a paradox in Rennie's feelings, and I was piqued86 that I could not. The connoisseur -- and I had been one since nine-thirty that morning -- requires of a paradox, if it is to elicit87 from him that faint smile which marks him for what he is, that it be more than a simple ambiguity88 resulting from the vagueness of certain terms in the language; it should, ideally, be a really arresting contradiction of concepts whose actual compatibility becomes perceptible only upon subtle reflection. The apparent ambivalence of Rennie's feelings about me, I'm afraid, like the simultaneous contradictory opinions that I often amused myself by maintaining, was only a pseudo-ambivalence whose source was in the language, not in the concepts symbolized89 by the language. I'm sure, as a matter of fact, that what Rennie felt was actually neither ambivalent90 nor even complex; it was both single and simple, like all feelings, but like all feelings it was also completely particular and individual, and so the trouble started only when she attempted to label it with a common noun such aslove orabhorrence. Things can be signified by common nouns only if one ignores the differences between them; but it is precisely91 these differences, when deeply felt, that make the nouns inadequate92 and lead the layman (but not the connoisseur) to believe that he has a paradox on his hands, an ambivalence, when actually it is merely a matter ofx's being part horse and part grammar book, and completely neither. Assigning names to things is like assigning roles to people: it is necessarily a distortion, but it is a necessary distortion if one would get on with the plot, and to the connoisseur it's all good clean fun.
Rennie loved me, then, and hated me as well! Let us say shex-ed me, and know better than to smile.
During this month I had of course seen Joe any number of times at school, even though our social relationship had ended. If it had been possible I'd have avoided him altogether, not because I felt any less warmth, admiration93, or respect for him -- on the contrary, I felt more of all these things, and sympathy besides -- but because the sight of him invariably filled me with sudden embarrassment94 and shame, no matter what feelings I had at other times. To feel, as Joe did, no regret for anything one has done in the past requires at least a strong sense of one's personal unity95, and such a sense is one of the things I've always lacked. Indeed, the conflict between individual points of view that Joe admitted lay close to the heart of his subjectivism I should carry even further, for subjectivism implies a self, and where one feels a plurality of selves, one is subject to the same conflict on an intensely intramural level, each of one's several selves claiming the same irrefutable validity for its special point of view that, in Joe's system, individuals and institutions may claim. In other words, judging from my clearest picture of myself, the individual is not individual after all, any more than the atom is really atomistic: he can be divided further, and subjectivism doesn't really become intelligible until one finally locates the subject. I shall say that, if this did not seem to me to be the case, I should assent96 wholeheartedly to the Morgan ethics97. As it is, if I say that sometimes I assent to it anyway and sometimes not, I can't really feel that this represents any more of an inconsistency than can be found in the statement "Some people agree with Morgan and some don't." In the same way, when upon confronting Joe in the hallways, in the cafeteria, or in my office I felt terribly ashamed of the trouble I'd caused him -- when in my mind I not only regretted but actually repudiated my adultery -- what I really felt was thatI would not do what that Jacob Horner had done: I felt no identity with that stupid fellow. But as a point of honor (in which some Horner or other believed) I would not claim this pluralism, for fear Joe would interpret it as a defense98.
Only once in September did we have what might be called a conversation. It was very near the end of the month, when, happening to see me alone in my office, he came in to talk for a few minutes. As always, he looked fresh, bright, clean, and sharp.
"Mr. MacMahon's complaining that his horses are getting too fat," he said. "How come you quit your riding lessons?"
I blushed. "I thought the course was finished, I guess."
"You want to pick them up again? It's right much trouble for him to take time to exercise them as much as they need."
"No, I guess not. I've kind of lost interest, and I don't think Rennie would enjoy it very much."
"Don't you? Why shouldn't she?"
I should say there was no malice99 evident in his voice, but I couldn't help thinking I was being embarrassed purposely.
"You know why not, Joe. Why do you even suggest it?" I was suddenly indignant on Rennie's behalf. "I feel uncomfortable as hell criticizing you, but I don't see why you're so determined100 to make her feel worse than she does already."
He jabbed his spectacles back on his nose.
"Don't worry about Rennie."
"You mean it's a little late for me to start being thoughtful. I agree. But unless you're out to punish her I don't know why you make her come up to my room and all."
"I'm not out to punish anybody, Jake; you know that. I'm just out to try to understand her."
"Well, don't you understand that she's pretty much shot these days? I'm surprised she's held up this long."
"She's pretty strong," Joe smiled. "You probably don't realize that in a way Rennie and I have been happier in the last few weeks than we've been for a long tune35."
"How come?"
"For one thing, since this started I've shelved the dissertation101 for a while, so we've had more time together than usual. We've talked to each other about ourselves more than we ever did before, necessarily, and all that."
I was appalled102. "You can't say she's been happy."
"Not in the way you probably mean, I guess. We certainly haven't beencarefree; but you can be pretty much happy without being carefree. The point is we've been dealing103 with each other pretty intensely and objectively -- exploring each other as deep as we can. That part of it's been fine. And we've been outdoors a lot, because we didn't want to ruin our health over it. We've probably felt a lot closer to each other than ever, whether we've solved anything or not."
"Do you think you have?"
"Well, we've certainlylearned some things. For one thing we've found all kinds of ties that we weren't aware of before, so that we probably wouldn't break up even if the thing doesn't straighten itself out. I doubt if I respect her as much as before -- how could I? At least not for the same things. But she's been awfully104 good in this. Pretty damned strong most of the time, and I appreciate that. What do you think of my friend Rennie these days?"
"Me?" I hadn't been especially thinking about what I thought of her, at least since her revelation of two nights earlier. Now I had to think about it quickly. "Oh, I don't know," I stalled.
"You must have had a strange picture of us both before. I'd like to know what you think of her now. Are you disgusted with her for not knowing how she feels?"
I leaned back in my chair and regarded the red pencil with which I'd been correcting grammar exercises.
"As a matter of fact," I said, "I might be in love with her."
"Is that right?" he asked quickly, bright with interest.
"I wouldn't be surprised. It was right a couple of days ago, anyhow. I don't feel it very strongly now, but I don't feel that I'm not, either."
"That's great!" Joe laughed: what he meant, I believe, wasThat's interesting. "Is that what you felt when you went to bed with her the first time? You could have said so."
"No. I didn't feel that way then."
"Does Rennie know about this?"
"No."
"How does she feel about you?"
"Not long ago she despised me. A week or so ago she said she didn't give a damn."
"Does she love you?" he asked, smiling.
Now I've said all along that Joe was without guile105, but it's almost impossible really to believe that a man is without guile. It is perhaps a great injustice106 that I couldn't entirely trust that open smile and clear forehead of Joe's, but I confess I did not.
"I'm pretty sure she despises me," I said.
Joe sighed. He was sitting in the swivel chair next to mine, and now he put his feet on the desk in front of him and clasped his hands behind his head.
"Did you ever consider that maybe I'm to blame for all of this? A lot of things could be explained neatly107 if you just said that for some perverse108 reason or other I engineered the whole affair. Just a possibility, along with the rest. What do you think?"
"Perversity? I don't know, Joe. If I see anything perverse it's your sending Rennie up to my place now."
He laughed. "I guess you could call all my encouragements of you two perverse now that we know what happened, but if any of it was really perverse it was unconsciously so. But you can't really believe it's perversity that makes me insist on her going up to your place. That business really is a matter of testing her. She's got to decide once and for all what she really feels about you and me and herself, and you know as well as I do that if it weren't for those trips to your place she'd repress that first business as fast as she could."
"Don't you think you're just keeping the wounds open?"
"I guess so. In fact, that's exactly what I'm doing. But in this case we've got to keep the wound open until we know just what kind of wound it is and how deep it goes."
"It seems to me that the important thing about wounds is healing them, no matter how."
"You're getting carried away with the analogy," Joe smiled. "This isn't a physical wound. If you ignore it, it might seem to go away, but in a relationship between two people wounds like this aren't healed by ignoring them -- they keep coming back again if you do that." He dropped the subject. "So you love Rennie?"
"I don't know. I've felt that way once or twice."
"Would you marry her if she weren't married to me?"
"I don't know. Honestly." '
"How would you take it if it turned out that the best answer to this thing was some kind of a permanent sexual relationship between you and her? I mean a triangle without conflicts or secrecy109 or jealousy110."
"I don't think that's an answer. I'm the kind of guy who could probably live with that sort of thing, but I don't believe either Rennie or you could." As a matter of fact, I was interested to notice that at the very mention of marriage and permanent sexual attachments111 I began to grow tired of the idea of Rennie. Happy human perversity! There was little of the husband in me.
"I don't either. What's the answer, Jake? You tell me."
I shook my head.
"Shall I shoot you both?" he grinned. "I already own a Colt forty-five and about a dozen bullets. When Rennie and I first got going on this thing, the time I was out of school for three days or so, I dug the old Colt out of the basement and loaded it and put it on the shelf in the living-room closet, in case either of us wanted to use it on ourselves or anybody else."
By God, that statement thrilled me! Perhaps it was Joe Morgan, after all, that I loved. He stood up and clapped me amiably112 on the shoulder.
"No answers, huh?"
I shook my head. "Damned if I know what to say, Joe."
"Well," he said, stretching and walking out the door, "it's still there in the closet. Maybe we'll use it yet."
The Colt .45 used as a sidearm by the United States military is a big, heavy, murderous-looking pistol. Its recoil113 raises the shooter's arm, and the fat lead slug that it fires strikes with an impact great enough to knock a man off his feet. The image of this weapon completely dominated my imagination for the next three or four days after Joe had mentioned it: I thought of it, as Joe and Rennie must have thought of it, waiting huge in their living-room closet all through the days and nights during which they had dissected114 and examined every minute detail of the adultery -- waiting for somebody to reach a conclusion. Little wonder that Rennie's nights were sleepless115! So were mine, once that machine had been introduced so casually116 into the problem. Even in my room it made itself terrifically present as the concrete embodiment of an alternative: the fact of its existence put the game in a different ball park, as it were; flavored all my reflections on the subject with an immediacy which I'm sure the Morgans had felt from the first, but which my isolation117, if nothing else, had kept me from feeling.
I dreamed about that pistol, and daydreamed118 about it. In my imagination I kept seeing it as in a photographic close-up, lying hard and flat in the darkness on the closet shelf, while through the door came the indistinct voices of Joe and Rennie talking through days and nights. Talking, talking, talking. I heard only the tones of their voices -- Rennie's calm, desperate, and hysterical119 by turns; Joe's alway's quiet and reasonable, hour after hour, until its quiet reasonableness became nightmarish and insane. I'm sure nothing has ever filled my head like the image of that gun. It took on aspects as various as the aspects of Laoco?n's smile, but infinitely120 more compelling and, of course, final. It was its finality that gave the idea of the Colt its persistence121. It was with me all the time.
So it was like the crystallization of a nightmare when, shortly afterwards, I was confronted with the weapon itself in my room, which it had already tenanted in spirit, and that's why I paled and went weak, for I have no abstract fear of pistols. Rennie came in at eight o'clock, after telephoning an hour earlier to say she wanted to see me, and to my surprise Joe came with her, and with Joe came the Colt, in a paper bag. Rennie, I thought, had been crying -- her cheeks were white and her eyes swollen122 -- but Joe seemed cheerful enough. The first thing he did after acknowledging my greeting was take the pistol out of the bag and lay it carefully on a little ash-tray stand, which he placed in the center of the room.
"There she is, Jacob," he laughed. "Everything we have is yours."
I admired the gun without touching123 it, laughed shortly along with Joe at the poor humor of his gesture, and, as I said before, paled. It was a formidable piece of machinery124, as large in fact as it had been in my imagination and no less final-looking. Joe watched my face.
"How about a beer?" I asked. The more I resolved not to show my alarm -- alarm was the last thing I wanted to suggest was called for -- the more plainly I could see it in my voice and manner.
"All right. Rennie? Want one?"
"No thanks," Rennie said, in a voice something like mine.
She sat in the overstuffed chair by the front window, and Joe on the edge of my monstrous125 bed, so that when I opened the beer bottles and took the only remaining seat, my rocking chair, we formed most embarrassingly a perfect equilateral triangle, with the gun in the center. Joe observed this at the same instant I did, and though I can't vouch126 for his grin, my own was not jovial127.
"Well, what's up?" I asked him.
Joe pushed his spectacles back on his nose and crossed his legs.
"Rennie's pregnant," he said calmly.
When a man has been sleeping with a woman, no matter under what circumstances, this news always comes like the kick of a horse. The pistol loomed128 more conspicuous129 than ever, and it took me several seconds to collect my wits enough to realize that I had nothing to be concerned about.
"No kidding! Congratulations!"
Joe kept smiling, not cordially, and Rennie fixed130 her eyes on the rug. Nobody spoke131 for a while.
"What's wrong?" I asked, not knowing for certain what to be afraid of.
"Well, we're not sure who to congratulate, I guess," Joe said.
"Why not?" My face burned. "You're not afraidI'm the father, are you?"
"I'm not particularly afraid of anything," Joe said. "But you might be the father."
"You don't have to worry about that, Joe; believe me." I looked a little wonderingly at Rennie, who I thought should have known better than to complicate60 things unnecessarily.
"You mean because you used contraceptives every time. I know that. I even know how many times you had to use them and what brand you use, Jacob."
"What the hell's the trouble, then?" I demanded, getting a little irritated.
"The trouble is that I used them every time too -- and the same brand, as a matter of fact."
I was stunned132. There was the pistol.
"So," Joe went on, "if, as my friend Rennie tells me, this triangle was never a rectangle, and if her obstetrician isn't lying when he says rubbers are about eighty per cent efficient, the congratulations should be pretty much mutual133. In fact, other things being equal, there's about one chance in four that you actually are the father."
Neither Joe's voice nor his forehead indicated how he felt about this possibility. I wasn't terribly anxious to find out.
"How sure are you that you're pregnant?" I asked Rennie. To my chagrin134 my voice was unsteady.
"I'm -- I'm pretty late," Rennie said, clearing her throat two or three times. "And I've been vomiting136 a lot for the last two days."
"Well, you know, you thought you were pregnant once before."
She shook her head. "That was wishful thinking."
She had to wait a second before she said anything else. "I wanted to be pregnant that time."
"There's not much doubt," Joe said. "No use to hope along those lines. The obstetricians never commit themselves for a month or so, just to be safe, but Rennie knows her symptoms."
I sighed uncertainly; Joe still gave no hint of his feelings. "Boy, that complicates137 things, doesn't it?"
"Well, does it or not? How would you say it complicates things?"
"I guess that depends on how you all feel."
"Why is that? Look, Horner, you ought to decide what your point of view is going to be. Rennie's the same distance from me as she is from you, and we're all the same distance from the Colt."
"We should have allowed for the possibility, I guess," I suggested carefully.
"Aren't you actually saying thatI should have allowed for the possibility when I sent Rennie up here? I allowed for all possibilities. That doesn't necessarily mean I like the idea of her being pregnant with your kid. I don't like that possibility a single God-damned bit, if you want to know, and I didn't really look for it to happen. But I did allow for the possibility right from the time I first heard you'd laid her. If you all didn't, you're stupid."
"It's a possibility I'd never allow for at the time," I smiled ruefully. "A bachelor would lead a lonely life if he did."
"Which heaven forbid," Joe added dryly.
I shrugged138. I wasn't sure to what extent I was justified139 in being annoyed by his manner: the thing was too complicated. There was silence for a while. Joe chewed his thumbnail idly, Rennie still stared at the rug, and I tried with unimpressive success to keep the gun out of my eyes and thoughts.
"What do you suggest, Joe?"
"Don't say that, now," he protested. "It's not all my baby. What doyou suggest?"
"Well, I can't say anything until I know whether you want to keep the kid or put it up for adoption140 or what. You know damned well I'd pay for the obstetrician and the hospital and all, and the kid's support, if you decide to keep it, or help all I can with an adoption. If I could raise the kid myself I'd do it."
"But you can't vomit135 for Rennie or split up the labor141 pains with her."
"No, I can't do that."
"You're oversimplifying even when you sayIf I decide to keep the kid. That makes it my responsibility. You say you're willing to take on the expense, but that doesn't mean a damned thing and you know it. Making it a practical problem, like a money problem, is too easy. I'd be a lot happier if you'd take on your share of responsibility. You don't have to take any shit off of me. That's too easy too."
"How do I go about taking on responsibility?" I asked. "I'm willing."
"Then for Christ's sake take a position and stick to it so we'll know who the hell we're dealing with! Don't throw everything in my lap. What the hell doyou think I should do? Tell Rennie what you want her to do and what you want me to do, and we'll tell you the same thing. Then we can work on the problem, for God's sake! Don't be so damned wishy-washy!"
"I don't have opinions, Joe," I said flatly. Of course the trouble was that I had, as usual, too many opinions. I was on everybody's side.
Joe jumped off the bed, snatched up the pistol, and aimed it right at my face.
"If I told you I was going to pull this God-damned trigger, would you have any opinions about that?"
I was sick.
"Go ahead and pull it, you son of a bitch," I said weakly.
"Horseshit: you'd never have to face up to anything then," he said coldly, and put the pistol back on the smoking stand. Rennie had watched the scene with tears in her eyes, but she wasn't weeping for either of us.
"What doyou want to do?" Joe said roughly to her, and when she whipped her head I saw his eyes water also, although his expression didn't change. There was no alliance against me: we were indeed every man for himself, and any who wept, wept for his own sorrows.
"I don't care about anything," Rennie said. "Do whatever you want to."
"I'll be damned!" Joe shouted, with tears on his cheeks. "I'm not going to do your thinking or his either. Think for yourself, or I don't want anything to do with you! I mean it!"
"I don't want the baby," Rennie said to him.
"You want to put it up for adoption?"
She shook her head. "That wouldn't work. Once you've carried them and all you can't let go of them. If I carried it for nine months I'd love it, and I don't want to love it. I don't want to carry it for nine months."
"All right, then; there's the pistol. Shoot yourself."
Rennie looked at him sadly. "I will if you want me to, Joe."
"Goddamn what I want!" Joe exploded.
"Did you mean you want an abortion142, Rennie?" I asked.
"I want to get rid of this baby," Rennie nodded. "I don't want to carry this baby."
"Where in the hell are you going to find an abortionist around here?" Joe asked disgustedly. "This isn't New York."
"I don't know," Rennie said. "But I'm not going to carry this baby. I don't want it."
"Are you going to go to Dr. Walsh again like last time and let him insult you?" Joe demanded. "He'd throw you out! I don't believe there's an abortionist in this county."
"I don't know," Rennie said. "I'm either going to get an abortion or shoot myself, Joe. I've decided."
"Well, that sounds brave, Rennie, but think clearly about it: you don't know any abortionists around here, do you?"
"No."
"And you don't know any in Baltimore or Washington or anywhere else. And you don't know anybody who's ever had an abortion, do you?"
"No."
"Well, you say you're going to get an abortion or shoot yourself. Suppose you started tomorrow: what are you going to do to find an abortionist?"
"I don't know!" Rennie cried.
"Damn it, if there was ever a time when we've got to think straight, this is it, but you're not thinking straight. You're setting up hypothetical alternatives that aren't actually open to you."
Rennie gave a little cry and rushed to the smoking stand, but because I had seen as clearly as Joe that that was what she was being driven to I was ready when she made her move. I dived headlong from my rocker for the gun. I fell short (physical co-ordination was not my forte), but my fingers closed on the edge of the stand and I pulled stand, gun, and all down on top of me. Rennie, in her rush, struck my head with her shoe, a stunning143 blow, and fell to her knees. She scrabbled wildly for the pistol, which had landed on my left shoulder blade and slid down beside my armpit. By rolling over on it I kept it from her long enough for me to get my own hands on it, and then fended144 her off until I was able to get to my feet again. She made no attempt to take it from me, but went back to her chair and buried her face in her hands. Very much shaken and nervous, I left the smoking stand where it lay and kept the gun.
"You people are insane!" I said.
Joe hadn't moved, although he too was obviously shaken.
"Explain why, Horner," he demanded, with considerable emotion.
"The hell I will," I said. "Do you want her to blow her damned head off?"
"I want her to think for herself," Joe said. "Since you stopped her, you must have some other opinion. Or is it that you just don't want your room messed up? Would you rather we go home and do our shooting?"
"For Christ's sake, Joe, do you love your wife or not?"
"You're begging the question. Doyou love her? Is that why you stopped her?"
"I don't love anybody right now. I think you're both insane."
"Stop saying things you can't explain. Would you rather force her to have a baby she doesn't want?"
"I don't give a damn what you all do, but I'm going to hold on to this pistol."
"You're talking nonsense," Joe said angrily. "You refuse to think. You're still talking aboutus all, and you know that's a distortion. You say you don't give a damn what Rennie does, but you take away her ability to choose. You're acting like a damn Hollywood movie, doing all you can to confuse everything."
"What the hell do you want?" I hollered.
"I want you to forget about everything except what's to the point and what's beside the point!" Joe said fiercely. "People act when they're ready whether they've thought clearly or not, and if there's one thing I'd kill you for, Horner, it's for screwing up the issues so that we have to act before we've thought, or taking something as important as this out of the realm of choice. Don't think I'm just talking, buddy145: I'd kill you for it."
"What's beside the point, then?"
"Your oversimplifying is beside the point, for one thing: asking meas the husbandwhat my position is; referring to Rennie and me together as if this were a conspiracy146 against you; blocking her actions; talking about perversity and insanity147."
"Damn it, Joe, if I hadn't jumped she'd bedead right now! Do you realize that? Would you be satisfied with that?"
"We're not playing games,Jake! Forget all the movies you ever saw and all the novels you ever read. Forget everything except this problem. Everything else obscures and confuses it. Stop looking at me like I'm a monster!" he shouted, losing his temper. "If you ever knew a guy who's thought straight about these things it's me, God damn it! If you're interested, I'll tell you that you and I would probably be dead by this time too, if Rennie had shot herself; but I wouldn't have stopped her. Nobody else you ever met ever loved a female human being, Horner: they just love pictures in their heads. If I didn't love Rennie do you think I could have sat here when she went for the gun? In the name of Christ, Horner,open your God-damned eyes! Just this one time open your God-damned eyes and try to understand somebody!"
"Do you want me to put this pistol back on the table?"
"Stop asking me what I want!"
I was hopelessly lost.
"Here," I said, handing Joe the Colt. "If you're so set on acting by your ideas, you put it back."
Joe took the gun and unhesitatingly offered it to Rennie.
"Here you are, Rennie," he said gently, gripping the back of her chair for support. "Do you want it?"
Rennie shook her head without looking at him.
"Maybe she'd like to have you do it for her," I said, as acidly as possible, but I was so moved I was dizzy.
Joe glanced at me icily. "Do you want me to shoot you, Rennie?" he asked sarcastically148. She shook her head again. Joe picked up the smoking stand, replaced the pistol on it, and went to his seat on the bed.
"So, Jake, you've decided we'll have the baby. Do you have any more opinions?"
I couldn't speak. Like Rennie, I shook my head. It is a demoralizing thing to deal with a man who will see, face up to, and unhesitatingly act upon the extremest limits of his ideas.
"Apparently149 you don't," Joe said contemptuously. He rose and began putting on his topcoat. "Do you want to come home now?" he asked Rennie.
Rennie rose and put on her coat. At the last minute Joe slipped the Colt into his overcoat pocket. He was extremely upset. They headed for the door, evidently not intending to say good night.
"Look, Joe," I called out just before they left. "If Renniecould find an abortionist, what would you say?"
"What do you mean-what would I say? What difference would it make what I said?"
"I mean how would you feel about the idea of her going through with an abortion?"
"I don't like it," Joe said flatly. "If it was a really competent abortion done in a good hospital by a good obstetrician it wouldn't matter, but it couldn't possibly be that. Rennie's in perfect health, and the only abortion she could get even in the city would be a half-ass job by some half-ass doctor who could mess her up for the rest of her life." He turned to go.
"I'll see if I can find somebody to do it," I said, "and if I can find somebody decent I'll pay for it."
"Horseshit," Joe said, and they left.
收听单词发音 |
1
disintegration
|
|
| n.分散，解体 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
2
pointed
|
|
| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
3
humanitarianism
|
|
| n.博爱主义；人道主义；基督凡人论 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
4
plight
|
|
| n.困境，境况，誓约，艰难；vt.宣誓，保证，约定 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
5
inadequacy
|
|
| n.无法胜任，信心不足 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
6
contradictory
|
|
| adj.反驳的，反对的，抗辩的；n.正反对，矛盾对立 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
7
cosmos
|
|
| n.宇宙；秩序，和谐 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
8
virtue
|
|
| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
9
relish
|
|
| n.滋味，享受，爱好，调味品；vt.加调味料，享受，品味；vi.有滋味 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
10
motives
|
|
| n.动机，目的( motive的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
11
paralysis
|
|
| n.麻痹(症)；瘫痪(症) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
12
numbly
|
|
| adv.失去知觉，麻木 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
13
ardor
|
|
| n.热情，狂热 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
14
perfectly
|
|
| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
15
acting
|
|
| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
16
zestfully
|
|
| adv.有辛辣味的； 有风趣的； 有风味的； 有滋味的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
17
animatedly
|
|
| adv.栩栩如生地，活跃地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
18
giggled
|
|
| v.咯咯地笑( giggle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
19
peeked
|
|
| v.很快地看( peek的过去式和过去分词 )；偷看；窥视；微露出 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
20
bully
|
|
| n.恃强欺弱者，小流氓；vt.威胁，欺侮 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
21
glum
|
|
| adj.闷闷不乐的，阴郁的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
22
professed
|
|
| 公开声称的，伪称的，已立誓信教的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
23
insignificant
|
|
| adj.无关紧要的，可忽略的，无意义的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
24
daydreaming
|
|
| v.想入非非，空想( daydream的现在分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
25
layman
|
|
| n.俗人，门外汉，凡人 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
26
pouting
|
|
| v.撅（嘴）( pout的现在分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
27
taunted
|
|
| 嘲讽( taunt的过去式和过去分词 )； 嘲弄； 辱骂； 奚落 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
28
jaw
|
|
| n.颚，颌，说教，流言蜚语；v.喋喋不休，教训 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
29
chuckle
|
|
| vi.／n.轻声笑，咯咯笑 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
30
entirely
|
|
| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
31
halfway
|
|
| adj.中途的，不彻底的，部分的；adv.半路地，在中途，在半途 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
32
glumness
|
|
| n.忧郁 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
|
33
perversity
|
|
| n.任性；刚愎自用 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
34
precarious
|
|
| adj.不安定的，靠不住的；根据不足的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
35
tune
|
|
| n.调子；和谐，协调；v.调音，调节，调整 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
36
lucidity
|
|
| n.明朗，清晰，透明 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
37
well-being
|
|
| n.安康，安乐，幸福 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
38
complements
|
|
| 补充( complement的名词复数 )； 补足语； 补充物； 补集（数） | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
39
infinitives
|
|
| n.（动词）不定式( infinitive的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
40
awed
|
|
| adj.充满敬畏的，表示敬畏的v.使敬畏，使惊惧( awe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
41
triumphantly
|
|
| ad.得意洋洋地；得胜地；成功地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
42
decided
|
|
| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
43
flunk
|
|
| v.(考试)不及格(=fail) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
44
guts
|
|
| v.狼吞虎咽，贪婪地吃，飞碟游戏（比赛双方每组5人，相距15码，互相掷接飞碟）；毁坏（建筑物等）的内部( gut的第三人称单数 )；取出…的内脏n.勇气( gut的名词复数 )；内脏；消化道的下段；肠 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
45
engrossed
|
|
| adj.全神贯注的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
46
duel
|
|
| n./v.决斗；(双方的)斗争 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
47
allied
|
|
| adj.协约国的；同盟国的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
48
defiantly
|
|
| adv.挑战地，大胆对抗地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
49
victorious
|
|
| adj.胜利的，得胜的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
50
savage
|
|
| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
51
savages
|
|
| 未开化的人，野蛮人( savage的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
52
illiterate
|
|
| adj.文盲的；无知的；n.文盲 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
53
etiquette
|
|
| n.礼仪，礼节；规矩 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
54
unreasonable
|
|
| adj.不讲道理的，不合情理的，过度的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
55
sullen
|
|
| adj.愠怒的，闷闷不乐的，(天气等)阴沉的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
56
intelligible
|
|
| adj.可理解的，明白易懂的，清楚的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
57
intelligibility
|
|
| n.可理解性，可理解的事物 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
58
thoroughly
|
|
| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
59
paradox
|
|
| n.似乎矛盾却正确的说法；自相矛盾的人(物) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
60
complicate
|
|
| vt.使复杂化，使混乱，使难懂 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
61
equivocation
|
|
| n.模棱两可的话，含糊话 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
62
edify
|
|
| v.陶冶；教化；启发 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
63
impudent
|
|
| adj.鲁莽的，卑鄙的，厚颜无耻的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
64
benignly
|
|
| adv.仁慈地，亲切地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
65
manure
|
|
| n.粪，肥，肥粒；vt.施肥 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
66
radical
|
|
| n.激进份子，原子团，根号；adj.根本的，激进的，彻底的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
67
radicals
|
|
| n.激进分子( radical的名词复数 )；根基；基本原理；[数学]根数 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
68
abide
|
|
| vi.遵守；坚持；vt.忍受 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
69
acumen
|
|
| n.敏锐，聪明 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
70
ambivalence
|
|
| n.矛盾心理 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
71
grimace
|
|
| v.做鬼脸，面部歪扭 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
72
offhand
|
|
| adj.临时，无准备的；随便，马虎的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
73
repudiated
|
|
| v.（正式地）否认( repudiate的过去式和过去分词 )；拒绝接受；拒绝与…往来；拒不履行（法律义务） | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
74
authentic
|
|
| a.真的，真正的；可靠的，可信的，有根据的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
75
abhorrence
|
|
| n.憎恶；可憎恶的事 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
76
parsimony
|
|
| n.过度节俭，吝啬 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
77
tautly
|
|
| adv.绷紧地；紧张地； 结构严谨地；紧凑地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
78
abhorred
|
|
| v.憎恶( abhor的过去式和过去分词 )；（厌恶地）回避；拒绝；淘汰 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
79
sordid
|
|
| adj.肮脏的，不干净的，卑鄙的，暗淡的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
80
wrecked
|
|
| adj.失事的，遇难的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
81
postponing
|
|
| v.延期，推迟( postpone的现在分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
82
contemplate
|
|
| vt.盘算，计议；周密考虑；注视，凝视 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
83
inordinately
|
|
| adv.无度地，非常地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
84
specious
|
|
| adj.似是而非的；adv.似是而非地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
85
connoisseur
|
|
| n.鉴赏家，行家，内行 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
86
piqued
|
|
| v.伤害…的自尊心( pique的过去式和过去分词 )；激起（好奇心） | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
87
elicit
|
|
| v.引出,抽出,引起 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
88
ambiguity
|
|
| n.模棱两可；意义不明确 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
89
symbolized
|
|
| v.象征，作为…的象征( symbolize的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
90
ambivalent
|
|
| adj.含糊不定的；(态度等)矛盾的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
91
precisely
|
|
| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
92
inadequate
|
|
| adj.(for,to)不充足的，不适当的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
93
admiration
|
|
| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
94
embarrassment
|
|
| n.尴尬；使人为难的人(事物)；障碍；窘迫 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
95
unity
|
|
| n.团结，联合，统一；和睦，协调 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
96
assent
|
|
| v.批准，认可；n.批准，认可 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
97
ethics
|
|
| n.伦理学；伦理观，道德标准 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
98
defense
|
|
| n.防御，保卫；[pl.]防务工事；辩护，答辩 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
99
malice
|
|
| n.恶意，怨恨，蓄意；[律]预谋 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
100
determined
|
|
| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
101
dissertation
|
|
| n.（博士学位）论文，学术演讲，专题论文 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
102
appalled
|
|
| v.使惊骇，使充满恐惧( appall的过去式和过去分词)adj.惊骇的；丧胆的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
103
dealing
|
|
| n.经商方法，待人态度 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
104
awfully
|
|
| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
105
guile
|
|
| n.诈术 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
106
injustice
|
|
| n.非正义，不公正，不公平，侵犯（别人的）权利 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
107
neatly
|
|
| adv.整洁地，干净地，灵巧地，熟练地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
108
perverse
|
|
| adj.刚愎的；坚持错误的，行为反常的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
109
secrecy
|
|
| n.秘密，保密，隐蔽 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
110
jealousy
|
|
| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
111
attachments
|
|
| n.（用电子邮件发送的）附件( attachment的名词复数 )；附着；连接；附属物 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
112
amiably
|
|
| adv.和蔼可亲地，亲切地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
113
recoil
|
|
| vi.退却，退缩，畏缩 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
114
dissected
|
|
| adj.切开的，分割的，（叶子）多裂的v.解剖（动物等）( dissect的过去式和过去分词 )；仔细分析或研究 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
115
sleepless
|
|
| adj.不睡眠的，睡不著的，不休息的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
116
casually
|
|
| adv.漠不关心地，无动于衷地，不负责任地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
117
isolation
|
|
| n.隔离，孤立，分解，分离 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
118
daydreamed
|
|
| v.想入非非，空想( daydream的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
119
hysterical
|
|
| adj.情绪异常激动的，歇斯底里般的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
120
infinitely
|
|
| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
121
persistence
|
|
| n.坚持，持续，存留 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
122
swollen
|
|
| adj.肿大的，水涨的；v.使变大，肿胀 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
123
touching
|
|
| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
124
machinery
|
|
| n.(总称)机械，机器；机构 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
125
monstrous
|
|
| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
126
vouch
|
|
| v.担保；断定；n.被担保者 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
127
jovial
|
|
| adj.快乐的，好交际的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
128
loomed
|
|
| v.隐约出现，阴森地逼近( loom的过去式和过去分词 )；隐约出现，阴森地逼近 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
129
conspicuous
|
|
| adj.明眼的，惹人注目的；炫耀的，摆阔气的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
130
fixed
|
|
| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
131
spoke
|
|
| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
132
stunned
|
|
| adj. 震惊的，惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
133
mutual
|
|
| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
134
chagrin
|
|
| n.懊恼；气愤；委屈 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
135
vomit
|
|
| v.呕吐，作呕；n.呕吐物，吐出物 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
136
vomiting
|
|
| 吐 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
137
complicates
|
|
| 使复杂化( complicate的第三人称单数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
138
shrugged
|
|
| vt.耸肩（shrug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
139
justified
|
|
| a.正当的，有理的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
140
adoption
|
|
| n.采用，采纳，通过；收养 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
141
labor
|
|
| n.劳动，努力，工作，劳工；分娩；vi.劳动，努力，苦干；vt.详细分析；麻烦 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
142
abortion
|
|
| n.流产，堕胎 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
143
stunning
|
|
| adj.极好的；使人晕倒的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
144
fended
|
|
| v.独立生活，照料自己( fend的过去式和过去分词 )；挡开，避开 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
145
buddy
|
|
| n.（美口）密友，伙伴 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
146
conspiracy
|
|
| n.阴谋，密谋，共谋 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
147
insanity
|
|
| n.疯狂，精神错乱；极端的愚蠢，荒唐 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
148
sarcastically
|
|
| adv.挖苦地，讽刺地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
149
apparently
|
|
| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
| 欢迎访问英文小说网 |