"You are ill, Anne. You are not fit to be out. Go home."
"I had a little boy once," she said. "'But that's all past and gone, and good times and bad times and all times pass over.' There's an odd simple music in the sentence, isn't there? Yet I remember it chiefly because I used to read that book to him and he loved it. And it was my child that died. Why is this other child so like him?"
"Oh, then, that's it, is it?" said Rudolph Musgrave, as in relief. "Bless me, I suppose all these little shavers are pretty much alike. I can only tell Roger from the other boys by his red head. Humanity in the raw, you know. Still, it is no wonder it gave you a turn. You had much better go home, however, and not take any foolish risks, and put your feet in hot water, and rub cologne on your temples, and do all the other suitable things——"
"I remember now," she continued, without any apparent emotion, and as though he had not spoken. "When I came into the room you were saying that the child must be considered. You were both very angry, and I was alarmed—foolishly alarmed, perhaps. And my—and John Charteris said, 'Let him tell, then'—and you told me—"
"The truth, Anne."
"And he sat quietly by. Oh, if he'd had the grace, the common manliness—!" She shivered here. "But he never interrupted you. I—I was not looking at him. I was thinking how vile2 you were. And when you had ended, he said, 'My dear, I am sorry you should have been involved in this. But since you are, I think we can assure Rudolph that both of us will regard his confidence as sacred.' Then I remembered him, and thought how noble he was! And all those years that were so happy, hour by hour, he was letting you—meet his bills!" She seemed to wrench3 out the inadequate4 metaphor5.
You could hear the far-off river, now, faint as the sound of boiling water.
"There isn't any use in lying to you. You wouldn't believe. You would only go to some one else—some woman probably,—who would jump at the chance of telling you everything and a deal more. Yes, there are a great many 'they do say's' floating about. This was the only one that came near being—serious. The man was very clever.—Oh, he wasn't vulgarly lecherous7. He was simply—Jack8 Charteris. He always irritated Lichfield, though, by not taking Lichfield very seriously. You would hear every by-end of retaliative9 and sniggered-over mythology10, and in your present state of mind you would believe all of them. I happen to know that a great many of these stories are not true."
"A great many of these stories," Anne repeated, "aren't true! A great many aren't! That ought to be consoling, oughtn't it?" She spoke without a trace of bitterness.
"I express myself very badly. What I really mean, what I am aiming at, is that I wish you would let me answer any questions you might like to ask, because I will answer them truthfully. Very few people would. You see, you go about the world so like a gray-stone saint who has just stepped down from her niche12 for the fraction of a second," he added, as with venom13, "that it is only human nature to dislike you."
Anne was not angry. It had come to her, quite as though she were considering some other woman, that what the man said was, in a fashion, true.
"There is sunlight and fresh air in the street," John Charteris had been wont14 to declare, "and there is a culvert at the corner. I think it is a mistake for us to emphasize the culvert."
So he had trained her to disbelieve in its existence. She saw this now.
It did not matter. It seemed to her that nothing mattered any more.
"I've only one question, I think. Why did you do it?" She spoke with bright amazement15 in her eyes.
"Oh, my dear, my dear!" he seriocomically deplored16. "Why, because it was such a noble thing to do. It was so like the estimable young man in a play, you know, who acknowledges the crime he never committed and takes a curtain-call immediately afterwards. In fine, I simply observed to myself, with the late Monsieur de Bergerac, 'But what a gesture!'" And he parodied19 an actor's motion in this rôle.
She stayed unsmiling and patiently awaiting veracity20. Anne did not understand that Colonel Musgrave was telling the absolute truth. And so,
"You haven't any sense of humor," he lamented21. "You used to have a deal, too, before you took to being conscientiously22 cheerful, and diffusing23 sweetness and light among your cowering24 associates. Well, it was because it helped him a little. Oh, I am being truthful11 now. I had some reason to dislike Jack Charteris, but odd as it is, I know to-day I never did. I ought to have, perhaps. But I didn't."
"My friend, you are being almost truthful. But I want the truth entire."
"It isn't polite to disbelieve people," he reproved her; "or at the very least, according to the best books on etiquette25, you ought not to do it audibly. Would you mind if I smoked? I could be more veracious26 then. There is something in tobacco that makes frankness a matter of course. I thank you."
He produced an amber27 holder28, fitted a cigarette into it, and presently inhaled29 twice. He said, with a curt17 voice:
"The reason, naturally, was you. You may remember certain things that happened just before John Charteris came and took you. Oh, that is precisely30 what he did! You are rather a narrow-minded woman now, in consequence—or in my humble31 opinion, at least—and deplorably superior. It pleased the man to have in his house—if you will overlook my venturing into metaphor,—one cool room very sparsely32 furnished where he could come when the mood seized him. He took the raw material from me, wherewith to build that room, because he wanted that room. I acquiesced33, because I had not the skill wherewith to fight him."
Anne understood him now, as with a great drench34 of surprise. And fear was what she felt in chief when she saw for just this moment as though it had lightened, the man's face transfigured, and tender, and strange to her.
"I tried to buy your happiness, to—yes, just to keep you blind indefinitely. Had the price been heavier, I would have paid it the more gladly. Fate has played a sorry trick. You would never have seen through him. My dear, I have wanted very often to shake you," he said.
And she knew, in a glorious terror, that she desired him to shake her, and as she had never desired anything else in life.
"Oh, well, I am just a common, ordinary, garden-sort of fool. The
Musgraves always are, in one fashion or another," he sulkily concluded.
And now the demigod was merely Rudolph Musgrave again, and she was not
afraid any longer, but only inexpressibly fordone.
"Isn't that like a woman?" he presently demanded of the June heavens. "To drag something out of a man with inflexibility35, monomania and moral grappling-irons, and then not like it! Oh, very well! I am disgusted by your sex's axiomatic36 variability. I shall take Harry37 to his fond mamma at once."
Then Rudolph Musgrave gave the tiniest of gestures downward. "And I have told you this, in chief, because we two remember him. He wanted you. He took you. You are his. You will always be. He gave you just a fragment of himself. That fragment was worth more than everything I had to offer."
Anne very carefully arranged her roses on the ivy-covered grave. "I do not know—meanwhile, I give these to our master. And my real widowhood begins to-day."
And as she rose he looked at her across the colorful mound39, and smiled, half as with embarrassment40. A lie, he thought, might ameliorate the situation, and he bravely hazarded a prodigious41 one. "Is it necessary to tell you that Jack loved you? And that the others never really counted?"
He rejoiced to see that Anne believed him. "No," she assented42, "no, not with him. Oddly enough, I am proud of that, even now. But—don't you see?—I never loved him. I was just his priestess—the priestess of a stucco god! Otherwise, I would know it wasn't his fault, but altogether that of—the others."
"Would it do any good to quote Lombroso, and Maudsley, and Gall46, and Krafft-Ebing, and Flechsig, and so on? and to tell you that the excessive use of one brain faculty47 must necessarily cause a lack of nutriment to all the other brain-cells? It would be rather up-to-date. There is a deal I could tell you also as to what poisonous blood he inherited; but to do this I have not the right." And then Rudolph Musgrave said in all sincerity48: "'A wild, impetuous whirlwind of passion and faculty slumbered49 quiet there; such heavenly melody dwelling50 in the heart of it.'"
She had put aside alike the drolling and the palliative suggestion, like flimsy veils. "I think it wouldn't do any good whatever. When growing things are broken by the whirlwind, they don't, as a rule, discuss the theory of air-currents as a consolation51. Men such as he was take what they desire. It isn't fair—to us others. But it's true, for all that—"
"Poor little Lady of Shalott," said Rudolph Musgrave, "the mirror is cracked from side to side, isn't it? I am sorry. For life is not so easily disposed of. And there is only life to look at now, and life is a bewilderingly complex business, you will find, because the laws of it are so childishly simple—and implacable. And one of these laws seems to be that in our little planet, might makes right—"
"Oh, Rudolph dear, don't—don't be just a merry-Andrew!" she cried impulsively54, before he had time to continue, which she perceived he meant to do, as if it did not matter.
And he took her full meaning, quite as he had been used in the old times to discourse55 upon a half-sentence. "I am afraid I am that, rather," he said, reflectively. "But then Clarice and I could hardly have weathered scandal except by making ourselves particularly agreeable to everybody. And somehow I got into the habit of making people laugh. It isn't very difficult. I am rather an adept56 at telling stories which just graze impropriety, for instance. You know, they call me the social triumph of my generation. And people are glad to see me because I am 'so awfully57 funny' and 'simply killing58' and so on. And I suppose it tells in the long run—like the dyer's hand, you know."
"It does tell." Anne was thinking it would always tell. And that, too, would be John Charteris's handiwork.
Ensued a silence. Rudolph Musgrave was painstakingly59 intent upon his cigarette. A nestward-plunging bird called to his mate impatiently. Then Anne shook her head impatiently.
"Come, while I'm thinking, I will drive you back to Lichfield."
"Oh, no; that wouldn't do at all," he said, with absolute decision. "No, you see I have to return the boy. And I can't quite imagine your carriage waiting at the doors of 'that Mrs. Pendomer.'"
"Oh," Anne fleetingly60 thought, "he would have understood." But aloud she only said: "And do you think I hate her any longer? Yes, it is true I hated her until to-day, and now I'm just sincerely sorry for her. For she and I—and you and even the child yonder—and all that any of us is to-day—are just so many relics61 of John Charteris. Yet he has done with us—at last!"
She said this with an inhalation of the breath; but she did not look at him.
"Take care!" he said, with an unreasonable62 harshness. "For I forewarn you I am imagining vain things."
"I'm not afraid, somehow." But Anne did not look at him.
He saw as with a rending63 shock how like the widow of John Charteris was to Anne Willoughby; and unforgotten pulses, very strange and irrational64 and dear, perplexed65 him sorely. He debated, and flung aside the cigarette as an out-moded detail of his hobbling part.
"You say I did a noble thing for you. I tried to. But quixotism has its price. To-day I am not quite the man who did that thing. John Charteris has set his imprint66 too deep upon us. We served his pleasure. We are not any longer the boy and girl who loved each other."
She waited in the rising twilight67 with a yet averted68 face. The world was motionless, ineffably69 expectant, as it seemed to him. And the disposition70 of all worldly affairs, the man dimly knew, was very anciently prearranged by an illimitable and, upon the whole, a kindly71 wisdom.
So that, "My dear, my dear!" he swiftly said: "I don't think I can word just what my feeling is for you. Always my view of the world has been that you existed, and that some other people existed—as accessories—"
Then he was silent for a heart-beat, appraising72 her. His hands lifted toward her and fell within the moment, as if it were in impotence.
Anne spoke at last, and the sweet voice of her was very glad and proud and confident.
"My friend, remember that I have not thanked you. You have done the most foolish and—the manliest73 thing I ever knew a man to do, just for my sake. And I have accepted it as if it were a matter of course. And I shall always do so. Because it was your right to do this very brave and foolish thing for me. I know you joyed in doing it. Rudolph … you cannot understand how glad I am you joyed in doing it."
Their eyes met. It is not possible to tell you all they were aware of through that moment, because it is a knowledge so rarely apprehended74, and even then for such a little while, that no man who has sensed it can remember afterward18 aught save the splendor75 and perfection of it.
* * * * *
And yet Anne looked back once. There was just the tall, stark76 shaft77, and on it "John Charteris." The thing was ominous78 and vast, all colored like wet gravel79, save where the sunlight tipped it with clean silver very high above their reach.
"Come," she quickly said to Rudolph Musgrave; "come, for I am afraid."
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1
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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2
vile
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| adj.卑鄙的，可耻的，邪恶的；坏透的 | |
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3
wrench
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| v.猛拧；挣脱；使扭伤；n.扳手；痛苦，难受 | |
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4
inadequate
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| adj.(for,to)不充足的，不适当的 | |
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metaphor
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| n.隐喻，暗喻 | |
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simplicity
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| n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯 | |
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7
lecherous
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| adj.好色的；淫邪的 | |
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8
jack
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| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
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9
retaliative
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| adj.报复性的 | |
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mythology
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| n.神话，神话学，神话集 | |
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truthful
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| adj.真实的，说实话的，诚实的 | |
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niche
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| n.壁龛；合适的职务(环境、位置等) | |
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venom
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| n.毒液，恶毒，痛恨 | |
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wont
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| adj.习惯于；v.习惯；n.习惯 | |
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amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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deplored
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| v.悲叹，痛惜，强烈反对( deplore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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curt
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| adj.简短的，草率的 | |
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afterward
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| adv.后来；以后 | |
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parodied
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| v.滑稽地模仿，拙劣地模仿( parody的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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veracity
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| n.诚实 | |
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lamented
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| adj.被哀悼的，令人遗憾的v.（为…）哀悼，痛哭，悲伤( lament的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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conscientiously
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| adv.凭良心地；认真地，负责尽职地；老老实实 | |
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23
diffusing
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| （使光）模糊，漫射，漫散( diffuse的现在分词 )； （使）扩散； （使）弥漫； （使）传播 | |
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cowering
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| v.畏缩，抖缩( cower的现在分词 ) | |
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etiquette
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| n.礼仪，礼节；规矩 | |
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veracious
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| adj.诚实可靠的 | |
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amber
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| n.琥珀；琥珀色；adj.琥珀制的 | |
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holder
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| n.持有者，占有者；(台，架等)支持物 | |
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inhaled
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| v.吸入( inhale的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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precisely
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| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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sparsely
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| adv.稀疏地；稀少地；不足地；贫乏地 | |
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acquiesced
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| v.默认，默许( acquiesce的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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34
drench
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| v.使淋透，使湿透 | |
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35
inflexibility
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| n.不屈性，顽固，不变性；不可弯曲；非挠性；刚性 | |
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axiomatic
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| adj.不需证明的，不言自明的 | |
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harry
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| vt.掠夺，蹂躏，使苦恼 | |
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obsessed
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| adj.心神不宁的,鬼迷心窍的,沉迷的 | |
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39
mound
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| n.土墩，堤，小山；v.筑堤，用土堆防卫 | |
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embarrassment
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| n.尴尬；使人为难的人(事物)；障碍；窘迫 | |
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41
prodigious
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| adj.惊人的，奇妙的；异常的；巨大的；庞大的 | |
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42
assented
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| 同意，赞成( assent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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43
grimaced
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| v.扮鬼相，做鬼脸( grimace的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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44
bantering
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| adj.嘲弄的v.开玩笑，说笑，逗乐( banter的现在分词 )；（善意地）取笑，逗弄 | |
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45
flirt
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| v.调情，挑逗，调戏；n.调情者，卖俏者 | |
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46
gall
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| v.使烦恼，使焦躁，难堪；n.磨难 | |
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47
faculty
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| n.才能；学院，系；(学院或系的)全体教学人员 | |
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48
sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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49
slumbered
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| 微睡，睡眠（slumber的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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50
dwelling
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| n.住宅，住所，寓所 | |
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51
consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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52
warily
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| adv.留心地 | |
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53
puff
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| n.一口(气)；一阵(风)；v.喷气，喘气 | |
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54
impulsively
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| adv.冲动地 | |
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55
discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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56
adept
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| adj.老练的，精通的 | |
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57
awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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58
killing
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| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
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59
painstakingly
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| adv. 费力地 苦心地 | |
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60
fleetingly
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| adv.飞快地，疾驰地 | |
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61
relics
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| [pl.］n.遗物，遗迹，遗产；遗体，尸骸 | |
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62
unreasonable
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| adj.不讲道理的，不合情理的，过度的 | |
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63
rending
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| v.撕碎( rend的现在分词 )；分裂；（因愤怒、痛苦等而）揪扯（衣服或头发等）；（声音等）刺破 | |
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64
irrational
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| adj.无理性的，失去理性的 | |
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65
perplexed
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| adj.不知所措的 | |
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66
imprint
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| n.印痕，痕迹；深刻的印象；vt.压印，牢记 | |
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67
twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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68
averted
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| 防止，避免( avert的过去式和过去分词 )； 转移 | |
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69
ineffably
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| adv.难以言喻地，因神圣而不容称呼地 | |
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70
disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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71
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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72
appraising
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| v.估价( appraise的现在分词 )；估计；估量；评价 | |
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73
manliest
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| manly（有男子气概的）的最高级形式 | |
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74
apprehended
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| 逮捕，拘押( apprehend的过去式和过去分词 )； 理解 | |
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75
splendor
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| n.光彩；壮丽，华丽；显赫，辉煌 | |
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76
stark
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| adj.荒凉的；严酷的；完全的；adv.完全地 | |
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77
shaft
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| n.(工具的)柄，杆状物 | |
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78
ominous
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| adj.不祥的，不吉的，预兆的，预示的 | |
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79
gravel
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| n.砂跞；砂砾层；结石 | |
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