THE WOUNDED SOLDIER.

In the course of a certain battle a soldier whose leg had been shot off appealed to another soldier who was hurrying by to carry him to the rear, informing him at the same time of the loss which he had sustained; whereupon the generous son of Mars, shouldering the unfortunate, proceeded to carry out his desire. The bullets and cannon-balls were flying in all directions, and presently one of the latter took the wounded man’s head off—without, however, his deliverer being aware of it. In no-long time he was hailed by an officer, who said:

“Where are you going with that carcass?”

“To the rear, sir—he’s lost his leg!”

“His leg, forsooth?” responded the astonished officer; “you mean his head, you booby.”

Whereupon the soldier dispossessed himself of his burden, and stood looking down upon it in great perplexity. At length he said:

“It is true, sir, just as you have said.” Then after a pause he added, “But he TOLD me IT WAS HIS LEG—”

Here the narrator bursts into explosion after explosion of thunderous horse-laughter, repeating that nub from time to time through his gaspings and shriekings and suffocatings.

It takes only a minute and a half to tell that in its comic-story form; and isn’t worth the telling, after all. Put into the humorous-story form it takes ten minutes, and is about the funniest thing I have ever listened to—as James Whitcomb Riley tells it.

He tells it in the character of a dull-witted old farmer who has just heard it for the first time, thinks it is unspeakably funny, and is trying to repeat it to a neighbor. But he can’t remember it; so he gets all mixed up and wanders helplessly round and round, putting in tedious details that don’t belong in the tale and only retard¹ it; taking them out conscientiously² and putting in others that are just as useless; making minor³ mistakes now and then and stopping to correct them and explain how he came to make them; remembering things which he forgot to put in in their proper place and going back to put them in there; stopping his narrative⁴ a good while in order to try to recall the name of the soldier that was hurt, and finally remembering that the soldier’s name was not mentioned, and remarking placidly⁵ that the name is of no real importance, anyway—better, of course, if one knew it, but not essential, after all—and so on, and so on, and so on.

The teller⁶ is innocent and happy and pleased with himself, and has to stop every little while to hold himself in and keep from laughing outright⁷; and does hold in, but his body quakes in a jelly-like way with interior chuckles⁸; and at the end of the ten minutes the audience have laughed until they are exhausted⁹, and the tears are running down their faces.

The simplicity¹⁰ and innocence¹¹ and sincerity¹² and unconsciousness of the old farmer are perfectly¹³ simulated, and the result is a performance which is thoroughly¹⁴ charming and delicious. This is art and fine and beautiful, and only a master can compass it; but a machine could tell the other story.

To string incongruities¹⁵ and absurdities¹⁶ together in a wandering and sometimes purposeless way, and seem innocently unaware¹⁷ that they are absurdities, is the basis of the American art, if my position is correct. Another feature is the slurring¹⁸ of the point. A third is the dropping of a studied remark apparently¹⁹ without knowing it, as if one were thinking aloud. The fourth and last is the pause.

Artemus Ward²⁰ dealt in numbers three and four a good deal. He would begin to tell with great animation²¹ something which he seemed to think was wonderful; then lose confidence, and after an apparently absent-minded pause add an incongruous remark in a soliloquizing way; and that was the remark intended to explode the mine—and it did.

For instance, he would say eagerly, excitedly, “I once knew a man in New Zealand who hadn’t a tooth in his head”—here his animation would die out; a silent, reflective pause would follow, then he would say dreamily, and as if to himself, “and yet that man could beat a drum better than any man I ever saw.”

The pause is an exceedingly important feature in any kind of story, and a frequently recurring²² feature, too. It is a dainty thing, and delicate, and also uncertain and treacherous²³; for it must be exactly the right length—no more and no less—or it fails of its purpose and makes trouble. If the pause is too short the impressive point is passed, and [and if too long] the audience have had time to divine that a surprise is intended—and then you can’t surprise them, of course.

On the platform I used to tell a negro ghost story that had a pause in front of the snapper on the end, and that pause was the most important thing in the whole story. If I got it the right length precisely²⁴, I could spring the finishing ejaculation with effect enough to make some impressible girl deliver a startled little yelp²⁵ and jump out of her seat—and that was what I was after. This story was called “The Golden Arm,” and was told in this fashion. You can practise with it yourself—and mind you look out for the pause and get it right.

1 retard   

n.阻止，延迟；vt.妨碍，延迟，使减速

参考例句：

• Lack of sunlight will retard the growth of most plants.缺乏阳光会妨碍大多数植物的生长。
• Continuing violence will retard negotiations over the country's future.持续不断的暴力活动会阻碍关系到国家未来的谈判的进行。

2 conscientiously   

adv.凭良心地；认真地，负责尽职地；老老实实

参考例句：

• He kept silent,eating just as conscientiously but as though everything tasted alike. 他一声不吭，闷头吃着，仿佛桌上的饭菜都一个味儿。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• She discharged all the responsibilities of a minister conscientiously. 她自觉地履行部长的一切职责。 来自《简明英汉词典》

3 minor   

adj.较小(少)的，较次要的；n.辅修学科；vi.辅修

参考例句：

• The young actor was given a minor part in the new play.年轻的男演员在这出新戏里被分派担任一个小角色。
• I gave him a minor share of my wealth.我把小部分财产给了他。

4 narrative   

n.叙述，故事；adj.叙事的，故事体的

参考例句：

• He was a writer of great narrative power.他是一位颇有记述能力的作家。
• Neither author was very strong on narrative.两个作者都不是很善于讲故事。

5 placidly   

adv.平稳地，平静地

参考例句：

• Hurstwood stood placidly by, while the car rolled back into the yard. 当车子开回场地时，赫斯渥沉着地站在一边。 来自英汉文学 - 嘉莉妹妹
• The water chestnut floated placidly there, where it would grow. 那棵菱角就又安安稳稳浮在水面上生长去了。 来自汉英文学 - 中国现代小说

6 teller   

n.银行出纳员；(选举)计票员

参考例句：

• The bank started her as a teller.银行起用她当出纳员。
• The teller tried to remain aloof and calm.出纳员力图保持冷漠和镇静。

7 outright   

adv.坦率地；彻底地；立即；adj.无疑的；彻底的

参考例句：

• If you have a complaint you should tell me outright.如果你有不满意的事，你应该直率地对我说。
• You should persuade her to marry you outright.你应该彻底劝服她嫁给你。

8 chuckles   

轻声地笑( chuckle的名词复数 )

参考例句：

• Father always chuckles when he reads the funny papers. 父亲在读幽默报纸时总是低声发笑。
• [Chuckles] You thought he was being poisoned by hemlock? 你觉得他中的会是芹叶钩吻毒吗？

9 exhausted   

adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的

参考例句：

• It was a long haul home and we arrived exhausted.搬运回家的这段路程特别长，到家时我们已筋疲力尽。
• Jenny was exhausted by the hustle of city life.珍妮被城市生活的忙乱弄得筋疲力尽。

10 simplicity   

n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯

参考例句：

• She dressed with elegant simplicity.她穿着朴素高雅。
• The beauty of this plan is its simplicity.简明扼要是这个计划的一大特点。

11 innocence   

n.无罪；天真；无害

参考例句：

• There was a touching air of innocence about the boy.这个男孩有一种令人感动的天真神情。
• The accused man proved his innocence of the crime.被告人经证实无罪。

12 sincerity   

n.真诚，诚意；真实

参考例句：

• His sincerity added much more authority to the story.他的真诚更增加了故事的说服力。
• He tried hard to satisfy me of his sincerity.他竭力让我了解他的诚意。

13 perfectly   

adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地

参考例句：

• The witnesses were each perfectly certain of what they said.证人们个个对自己所说的话十分肯定。
• Everything that we're doing is all perfectly above board.我们做的每件事情都是光明正大的。

14 thoroughly   

adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地

参考例句：

• The soil must be thoroughly turned over before planting.一定要先把土地深翻一遍再下种。
• The soldiers have been thoroughly instructed in the care of their weapons.士兵们都系统地接受过保护武器的训练。

15 incongruities   

n.不协调( incongruity的名词复数 )；不一致；不适合；不协调的东西

参考例句：

• The maid's vigilance had always spared her the sight of such incongruities. 女仆一向非常小心，不让她看到这种使她不快的景象。 来自辞典例句
• Western humour was bound to reflect these incongruities. 西部幽默当然会反映这些滑稽可笑的东西。 来自辞典例句

16 absurdities   

n.极端无理性( absurdity的名词复数 )；荒谬；谬论；荒谬的行为

参考例句：

• She has a sharp eye for social absurdities, and compassion for the victims of social change. 她独具慧眼，能够看到社会上荒唐的事情，对于社会变革的受害者寄以同情。 来自辞典例句
• The absurdities he uttered at the dinner party landed his wife in an awkward situation. 他在宴会上讲的荒唐话使他太太陷入窘境。 来自辞典例句

17 unaware   

a.不知道的，未意识到的

参考例句：

• They were unaware that war was near. 他们不知道战争即将爆发。
• I was unaware of the man's presence. 我没有察觉到那人在场。

18 slurring   

含糊地说出( slur的现在分词 )； 含糊地发…的声； 侮辱； 连唱

参考例句：

• She was slumped in the saddle and slurring her words. 她从马鞍上掉了下去，嘴里含糊不清地说着什么。
• Your comments are slurring your co-workers. 你的话诋毁了你的同事。

19 apparently   

adv.显然地；表面上，似乎

参考例句：

• An apparently blind alley leads suddenly into an open space.山穷水尽，豁然开朗。
• He was apparently much surprised at the news.他对那个消息显然感到十分惊异。

20 ward   

n.守卫，监护，病房，行政区，由监护人或法院保护的人（尤指儿童）；vt.守护，躲开

参考例句：

• The hospital has a medical ward and a surgical ward.这家医院有内科病房和外科病房。
• During the evening picnic,I'll carry a torch to ward off the bugs.傍晚野餐时，我要点根火把，抵挡蚊虫。

21 animation   

n.活泼，兴奋，卡通片／动画片的制作

参考例句：

• They are full of animation as they talked about their childhood.当他们谈及童年的往事时都非常兴奋。
• The animation of China made a great progress.中国的卡通片制作取得很大发展。

22 recurring   

adj.往复的，再次发生的

参考例句：

• This kind of problem is recurring often. 这类问题经常发生。
• For our own country, it has been a time for recurring trial. 就我们国家而言，它经过了一个反复考验的时期。

23 treacherous   

adj.不可靠的，有暗藏的危险的；adj.背叛的，背信弃义的

参考例句：

• The surface water made the road treacherous for drivers.路面的积水对驾车者构成危险。
• The frozen snow was treacherous to walk on.在冻雪上行走有潜在危险。

24 precisely   

adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地

参考例句：

• It's precisely that sort of slick sales-talk that I mistrust.我不相信的正是那种油腔滑调的推销宣传。
• The man adjusted very precisely.那个人调得很准。

25 yelp   

vi.狗吠

参考例句：

• The dog gave a yelp of pain.狗疼得叫了一声。
• The puppy a yelp when John stepped on her tail.当约翰踩到小狗的尾巴，小狗发出尖叫。