If the reader feels that my suspicions were not wholly unwarranted, were indeed inevitable1, he will not laugh at me on learning that once more these suspicions were set aside, and the fact—the damnatory fact, as I regarded it—discovered by me so accidentally, and, I thought, providentially, was robbed of all its significance by Bourgonef himself casually2 and carelessly avowing3 it in conversation, just as one may avow4 a secret infirmity, with some bitterness, but without any implication of deceit in its concealment5.
I was the more prepared for this revulsion of feeling, by the difficulty I felt in maintaining my suspicions in the presence of one so gentle and so refined. He had come into my room that evening to tell me of his visit to Schwanthaler, and of the sculptor's flattering desire to make my personal acquaintance. He spoke6 of Schwanthaler, and his earnest efforts in art, with so much enthusiasm, and was altogether so charming, that I felt abashed7 before him, incapable8 of ridding myself of the dreadful suspicions, yet incapable of firmly believing him to be what I thought. But more than this, there came the new interest awakened9 in me by his story; and when, in the course of his story, he accidentally disclosed the fact that he had not lost his arm, all my suspicions vanished at once.
We had got, as usual, upon politics, and were differing more than usual, because he gave greater prominence10 to his sympathy with the Red Republicans. He accused me of not being "thorough-going," which I admitted. This he attributed to the fact of my giving a divided heart to politics—a condition natural enough at my age, and with my hopes. "Well," said I, laughing, "you don't mean to take a lofty stand upon your few years' seniority. If my age renders it natural, does yours profoundly alter such a conviction?"
"My age, no. But you have the hopes of youth. I have none. I am banished11 for ever from the joys and sorrows of domestic life; and therefore, to live at all, must consecrate12 my soul to great abstractions and public affairs."
"But why banished, unless self-banished?"
"Woman's love is impossible. You look incredulous. I do not allude13 to this," he said, taking up the empty sleeve, and by so doing sending a shiver through me.
"The loss of your arm," I said—and my voice trembled slightly, for I felt that a crisis was at hand—"although a misfortune to you, would really be an advantage in gaining a woman's affections. Women are so romantic, and their imaginations are so easily touched!"
"Yes," he replied bitterly; "but the trouble is that I have not lost my arm."
"To have lost my arm in battle, or even by an accident, would perhaps have lent me a charm in woman's eyes. But, as I said, my arm hangs by my side—withered, unpresentable."
I breathed again. He continued in the same tone, and without noticing my looks.
"But it is not this which banishes15 me. Woman's love might be hoped for, had I far worse infirmities. The cause lies deeper. It lies in my history. A wall of granite16 has grown up between me and the sex."
"But, my dear fellow, do you—wounded, as I presume to guess, by some unworthy woman—extend the fault of one to the whole sex? Do you despair of finding another true, because a first was false?"
"They are all false," he exclaimed with energy. "Not, perhaps, all false from inherent viciousness, though many are that, but false because their inherent weakness renders them incapable of truth. Oh! I know the catalogue of their good qualities. They are often pitiful, self-devoting, generous; but they are so by fits and starts, just as they are cruel, remorseless, exacting17, by fits and starts. They have no constancy—they are too weak to be constant even in evil; their minds are all impressions; their actions are all the issue of immediate18 promptings. Swayed by the fleeting19 impulses of the hour, they have only one persistent20, calculable motive21 on which reliance can always be placed—that motive is vanity; you are always sure of them there. It is from vanity they are good—from vanity they are evil; their devotion and their desertion equally vanity. I know them. To me they have disclosed the shallows of their natures. God! how I have suffered from them!"
A deep, low exclamation22, half sob23, half curse, closed his tirade24. He remained silent for a few minutes, looking on the floor, then, suddenly turning his eyes upon me, said:
"Were you ever in Heidelberg?"
"Never."
"I thought all your countrymen went there? Then you will never have heard anything of my story. Shall I tell you how my youth was blighted25? Will you care to listen?"
"It would interest me much."
"I had reached the age of seven-and-twenty," he began, "without having once known even the vague stirrings of the passion of love. I admired many women, and courted the admiration26 of them all; but I was as yet not only heart-whole, but, to use your Shakespeare's phrase, Cupid had not tapped me on the shoulder.
"This detail is not unimportant in my story. You may possibly have observed that in those passionate27 natures which reserve their force, and do not fritter away their feelings in scattered28 flirtations or trivial love-affairs, there is a velocity29 and momentum30, when the movement of passion is once excited, greatly transcending31 all that is ever felt by expansive and expressive32 natures. Slow to be moved, when they do move it is with the whole mass of the heart. So it was with me. I purchased my immunity33 from earlier entanglements34 by the price of my whole life. I am not what I was. Between my past and present self there is a gulf35; that gulf is dark, stormy, and profound. On the far side stands a youth of hope, energy, ambition, and unclouded happiness, with great capacities for loving; on this side a blighted manhood, with no prospects36 but suffering and storm."
He paused. With an effort he seemed to master the suggestions which crowded upon his memory, and continued his narrative37 in an equable tone.
"I had been for several weeks at Heidelberg. One of my intimate companions was Kestner, the architect, and he one day proposed to introduce me to his sister-in-law, Ottilie, of whom he had repeatedly spoken to me in terms of great affection and esteem38.
"We went, and we were most cordially received. Ottilie justified39 Kestner's praises. Pretty, but not strikingly so—clever, but not obtrusively40 so; her soft dark eyes were frank and winning; her manner was gentle and retiring, with that dash of sentimentalism which seems native to all German girls, but without any of the ridiculous extravagance too often seen in them. I liked her all the more because I was perfectly41 at my ease with her, and this was rarely the case in my relations to young women. I don't enjoy their society.
"You leap at once to the conclusion that we fell in love. Your conclusion is precipitate42. Seeing her continually, I grew to admire and respect her; but the significant smiles, winks43, and hints of friends, pointing unmistakably at a supposed understanding existing between us, only made me more seriously examine the state of my feelings, and assured me that I was not in love. It is true that I felt a serene44 pleasure in her society, and that when away from her she occupied much of my thoughts. It is true that I often thought of her as a wife; and in these meditations45 she appeared as one eminently46 calculated to make a happy home. But it is no less true that during a temporary absence of hers of a few weeks I felt no sort of uneasiness, no yearning47 for her presence, no vacancy48 in my life. I knew, therefore, that it was not love which I felt.
"So much for my feelings. What of hers? They seemed very like my own. That she admired me, and was pleased to be with me, was certain. That she had a particle of fiery49 love for me I did not, could not believe. And it was probably this very sense of her calmness which kept my feelings quiet. For love is a flame which often can be kindled50 only by contact with flame. Certainly this is so in proud, reserved natures, which are chilled by any contact with temperature not higher than their own.
"On her return, however, from that absence I have mentioned, I was not a little fluttered by an obvious change in her manner; an impression which subsequent meetings only served to confirm. Although still very quiet, her manner had become more tender, and it had that delicious shyness which is the most exquisite51 of flatteries, as it is one of the most enchanting52 of graces. I saw her tremble slightly beneath my voice, and blush beneath my gaze.
"There was no mistaking these signs. It was clear that she loved me; and it was no less clear that I, taking fire at this discovery, was myself rapidly falling in love. I will not keep you from my story by idle reflections. Take another cigar." He rose and paced up and down the room in silence.
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1
inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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casually
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| adv.漠不关心地，无动于衷地，不负责任地 | |
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3
avowing
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| v.公开声明，承认( avow的现在分词 ) | |
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avow
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| v.承认，公开宣称 | |
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concealment
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| n.隐藏, 掩盖，隐瞒 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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7
abashed
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| adj.窘迫的，尴尬的v.使羞愧，使局促，使窘迫( abash的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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9
awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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prominence
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| n.突出；显著；杰出；重要 | |
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banished
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| v.放逐，驱逐( banish的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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consecrate
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| v.使圣化，奉…为神圣；尊崇；奉献 | |
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13
allude
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| v.提及，暗指 | |
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suspense
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| n.（对可能发生的事）紧张感，担心，挂虑 | |
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banishes
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| v.放逐，驱逐( banish的第三人称单数 ) | |
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granite
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| adj.花岗岩，花岗石 | |
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exacting
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| adj.苛求的，要求严格的 | |
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18
immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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fleeting
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| adj.短暂的，飞逝的 | |
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persistent
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| adj.坚持不懈的，执意的；持续的 | |
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motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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exclamation
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| n.感叹号，惊呼，惊叹词 | |
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23
sob
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| n.空间轨道的轰炸机；呜咽，哭泣 | |
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tirade
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| n.冗长的攻击性演说 | |
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blighted
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| adj.枯萎的，摧毁的 | |
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26
admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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velocity
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| n.速度，速率 | |
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momentum
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| n.动力，冲力，势头；动量 | |
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31
transcending
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| 超出或超越（经验、信念、描写能力等）的范围( transcend的现在分词 )； 优于或胜过… | |
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32
expressive
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| adj.表现的，表达…的，富于表情的 | |
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33
immunity
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| n.优惠；免除；豁免，豁免权 | |
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34
entanglements
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| n.瓜葛( entanglement的名词复数 )；牵连；纠缠；缠住 | |
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gulf
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| n.海湾；深渊，鸿沟；分歧，隔阂 | |
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prospects
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| n.希望，前途(恒为复数) | |
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narrative
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| n.叙述，故事；adj.叙事的，故事体的 | |
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esteem
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| n.尊敬，尊重；vt.尊重，敬重；把…看作 | |
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justified
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| a.正当的，有理的 | |
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40
obtrusively
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| adv.冒失地，莽撞地 | |
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41
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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42
precipitate
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| adj.突如其来的；vt.使突然发生；n.沉淀物 | |
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43
winks
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| v.使眼色( wink的第三人称单数 )；递眼色（表示友好或高兴等）；（指光）闪烁；闪亮 | |
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44
serene
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| adj. 安详的，宁静的，平静的 | |
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45
meditations
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| 默想( meditation的名词复数 )； 默念； 沉思； 冥想 | |
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46
eminently
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| adv.突出地；显著地；不寻常地 | |
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47
yearning
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| a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的 | |
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48
vacancy
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| n.（旅馆的）空位，空房，（职务的）空缺 | |
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49
fiery
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| adj.燃烧着的，火红的；暴躁的；激烈的 | |
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50
kindled
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| （使某物）燃烧，着火( kindle的过去式和过去分词 )； 激起（感情等）； 发亮，放光 | |
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51
exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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52
enchanting
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| a.讨人喜欢的 | |
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