Birds' Nest, December 17, 188-.
Dear Mrs. Ruggles,—I am going to have a dinner-party on Christmas Day, and would like to have all your children come. I want them every one, please, from Sarah[Pg 33] Maud to Baby Larry. Mamma says dinner will be at half past five, and the Christmas tree at seven; so you may expect them home at nine o'clock. Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, I am
Yours truly,
Carol Bird.
Breakfast was on the table promptly3 at seven o'clock, and there was very little of it, too; for it was an excellent day for short rations4, though Mrs. Ruggles heaved a sigh as she reflected that the boys, with their India-rubber stomachs, would be just as hungry the day after the dinner-party as if they had never had any at all.
As soon as the scanty5 meal was over, she announced the plan of the campaign: "Now, Susan, you an' Kitty wash up the dishes; an' Peter, can't yer spread up the beds, so't I can git ter cuttin' out Larry's new suit? I ain't satisfied with his clo'es, an' I thought in the night of a way to make him a dress out o' my old red plaid shawl—kind o' Scotch6 style, yer know, with the fringe 't the bottom.—Eily, you go find the comb and take the snarls7 out the fringe, that's a lady! You little young ones clear out from under foot! Clem, you and Con8 hop9 into bed with Larry while I wash yer underflannins; 'twon't take long to dry 'em.—Yes, I know it's[Pg 34] bothersome, buy yer can't go int' s'ciety 'thout takin' some trouble, 'n' anyhow I couldn't git round to 'em last night.—Sarah Maud, I think 'twould be perfeckly han'som' if you ripped them brass10 buttons off yer uncle's policeman's coat 'n' sewed 'em in a row up the front o' yer green skirt. Susan, you must iron out yours 'n' Kitty's apurns; 'n' there, I come mighty11 near forgettin' Peory's stockin's! I counted the whole lot last night when I was washin' of 'em, 'n' there ain't but nineteen anyhow yer fix 'em, 'n' no nine pairs mates nohow; 'n' I ain't goin' ter have my childern wear odd stockin's to a dinner-comp'ny, fetched up as I was!—Eily, can't you run out and ask Mis' Cullen ter lend me a pair o' stockin's for Peory, 'n' tell her if she will, Peory'll give Jim half her candy when she gets home. Won't yer, Peory?"
Peoria was young and greedy, and thought the remedy so out of all proportion to the disease, that she set up a deafening12 howl at the projected bargain—a howl so rebellious13 and so entirely14 out of season that her mother started in her direction with flashing eye and uplifted hand; but she let it fall suddenly, saying, "No, I vow15 I won't lick ye Christmas Day, if yer drive me crazy; but speak up smart, now, 'n' say whether yer'd ruther give Jim Cullen half yer[Pg 35] candy or go bare-legged ter the party?" The matter being put so plainly, Peoria collected her faculties16, dried her tears, and chose the lesser17 evil, Clem having hastened the decision by an affectionate wink18, that meant he'd go halves with her on his candy.
"That's a lady!" cried her mother. "Now, you young ones that ain't doin' nothin', play all yer want ter before noontime, for after ye git through eatin' at twelve o'clock me 'n' Sarah Maud's goin' ter give yer sech a washin' 'n' combin' 'n' dressin' as yer never had before 'n' never will agin likely, 'n' then I'm goin' to set yer down 'n' give yer two solid hours trainin' in manners; 'n' 'twon't be no foolin' neither."
"Well, that's enough," responded his mother; "there's more'n one way of eatin', let me tell yer, 'n' you've got a heap ter learn about it, Peter Ruggles. Land sakes, I wish you childern could see the way I was fetched up to eat. I never took a meal o' vittles in the kitchen before I married Ruggles; but yer can't keep up that style with nine young ones 'n' yer Pa always off ter sea."
The big Ruggleses worked so well, and the little Ruggleses kept from "under foot" so successfully, that by one o'clock nine complete toilets were laid[Pg 36] out in solemn grandeur21 on the beds. I say, "complete;" but I do not know whether they would be called so in the best society. The law of compensation had been well applied22: he that had necktie had no cuffs23; she that had sash had no handkerchief, and vice24 versa; but they all had shoes and a certain amount of clothing, such as it was, the outside layer being in every case quite above criticism.
"Now, Sarah Maud," said Mrs. Ruggles, her face shining with excitement, "everything's red up an' we can begin. I've got a boiler25 'n' a kettle 'n' a pot o' hot water. Peter, you go into the back bedroom, 'n' I'll take Susan, Kitty, Peory, 'n' Cornelius; 'n' Sarah Maud, you take Clem, 'n' Eily, 'n' Larry, one to a time. Scrub 'em 'n' rinse26 'em, or 't any rate git's fur's yer can with 'em, and then I'll finish 'em off while you do yerself."
Sarah Maud couldn't have scrubbed with any more decision and force if she had been doing floors, and the little Ruggleses bore it bravely, not from natural heroism27, but for the joy that was set before them. Not being satisfied, however, with the "tone" of their complexions28, and feeling that the number of freckles29 to the square inch was too many to be tolerated in the highest social circles, she wound up operations by applying a little Bristol[Pg 37] brick from the knife-board, which served as the proverbial "last straw," from under which the little Ruggleses issued rather red and raw and out of temper. When the clock struck four they were all clothed, and most of them in their right minds, ready for those last touches that always take the most time.
Kitty's red hair was curled in thirty-four ringlets, Sarah Maud's was braided in one pig-tail, and Susan's and Eily's in two braids apiece, while Peoria's resisted all advances in the shape of hair oils and stuck out straight on all sides, like that of the Circassian girl of the circus—so Clem said; and he was sent into the bedroom for it, too, from whence he was dragged out forgivingly, by Peoria herself, five minutes later. Then, exciting moment, came linen30 collars for some and neckties and bows for others,—a magnificent green glass breastpin was sewed into Peter's purple necktie,—and Eureka! the Ruggleses were dressed, and Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these!
A row of seats was then formed directly through the middle of the kitchen. Of course, there were not quite chairs enough for ten, since the family had rarely wanted to sit down all at once, somebody always being out or in bed, or otherwise en[Pg 38]gaged, but the wood-box and the coal-hod finished out the line nicely, and nobody thought of grumbling31. The children took their places according to age, Sarah Maud at the head and Larry on the coal-hod, and Mrs. Ruggles seated herself in front, surveying them proudly as she wiped the sweat of honest toil20 from her brow.
"Well," she exclaimed, "if I do say so as shouldn't, I never see a cleaner, more stylish32 mess o' childern in my life! I do wish Ruggles could look at ye for a minute!—Larry Ruggles, how many times have I got ter tell yer not ter keep pullin' at yer sash? Haven't I told yer if it comes ontied, yer waist 'n' skirt'll part comp'ny in the middle, 'n' then where'll yer be?—Now look me in the eye, all of yer! I've of'en told yer what kind of a family the McGrills was. I've got reason to be proud, goodness knows! Your uncle is on the police force o' New York city; you can take up the paper most any day an' see his name printed right out—James McGrill,—'n' I can't have my children fetched up common, like some folks'; when they go out they've got to have clo'es, and learn to act decent! Now I want ter see how yer goin' to behave when yer git there to-night. 'Tain't so awful easy as you think 'tis. Let's start in at the beginnin' 'n' act out the whole business.
Pile into the bedroom, there, every last one o' ye, 'n' show me how yer goin' to go int' the parlor33. This'll be the parlor, 'n' I'll be Mis' Bird."
The youngsters hustled34 into the next room in high glee, and Mrs. Ruggles drew herself up in the chair with an infinitely35 haughty36 and purse-proud expression that much better suited a descendant of the McGrills than modest Mrs. Bird.
The bedroom was small, and there presently ensued such a clatter37 that you would have thought a herd38 of wild cattle had broken loose. The door opened, and they straggled in, all the younger ones giggling39, with Sarah Maud at the head, looking as if she had been caught in the act of stealing sheep; while Larry, being last in line, seemed to think the door a sort of gate of heaven which would be shut in his face if he didn't get there in time; accordingly he struggled ahead of his elders and disgraced himself by tumbling in head foremost.
Mrs. Ruggles looked severe. "There, I knew yer'd do it in some sech fool way! Now go in there and try it over again, every last one o' ye, 'n' if Larry can't come in on two legs he can stay ter home,—d' yer hear?"
The matter began to assume a graver aspect; the little Ruggleses stopped giggling and backed into[Pg 42] the bedroom, issuing presently with lock step, Indian file, a scared and hunted expression on every countenance40.
"No, no, no!" cried Mrs. Ruggles, in despair. "That's worse yet; yer look for all the world like a gang o' pris'ners! There ain't no style ter that: spread out more, can't yer, 'n' act kind o' careless-like—nobody's goin' ter kill ye! That ain't what a dinner-party is!"
The third time brought deserved success, and the pupils took their seats in the row. "Now, yer know," said Mrs. Ruggles impressively, "there ain't enough decent hats to go round, 'n' if there was I don' know's I'd let yer wear 'em, for the boys would never think to take 'em off when they got inside, for they never do—but anyhow, there ain't enough good ones. Now, look me in the eye. You're only goin' jest round the corner; you needn't wear no hats, none of yer, 'n' when yer get int' the parlor, 'n' they ask yer ter lay off yer hats, Sarah Maud must speak up 'n' say it was sech a pleasant evenin' 'n' sech a short walk that yer left yer hats to home. Now, can yer remember?"
All the little Ruggleses shouted, "Yes, marm!" in chorus.
"What have you got ter do with it?" demanded[Pg 43] their mother; "did I tell you to say it? Warn't I talkin' ter Sarah Maud?"
The little Ruggleses hung their diminished heads. "Yes, marm," they piped, more discreetly41.
"Now we won't leave nothin' to chance; git up, all of ye, an' try it.—Speak up, Sarah Maud."
"Quick!"
"Ma thought—it was—sech a pleasant hat that we'd—we'd better leave our short walk to home," recited Sarah Maud, in an agony of mental effort.
"Oh, whatever shall I do with yer?" moaned the unhappy mother; "I s'pose I've got to learn it to yer!"—which she did, word for word, until Sarah Maud thought she could stand on her head and say it backwards44.
"Now, Cornelius, what are you goin' ter say ter make yerself good comp'ny?"
"Do? Me? Dunno!" said Cornelius, turning pale, with unexpected responsibility.
"Well, ye ain't goin' to set there like a bump on a log 'thout sayin' a word ter pay for yer vittles, air ye? Ask Mis' Bird how she's feelin' this evenin',[Pg 44] or if Mr. Bird's hevin' a busy season, or how this kind o' weather agrees with him, or somethin' like that.—Now we'll make b'lieve we've got ter the dinner—that won't be so hard, 'cause yer'll have somethin' to do—it's awful bothersome to stan' round an' act stylish.—If they have napkins, Sarah Maud down to Peory may put 'em in their laps, 'n' the rest of ye can tuck 'em in yer necks. Don't eat with yer fingers—don't grab no vittles off one 'nother's plates; don't reach out for nothin', but wait till yer asked, 'n' if you never git asked don't git up and grab it.—Don't spill nothin' on the tablecloth45, or like's not Mis' Bird'll send yer away from the table—'n' I hope she will if yer do! (Susan! keep your handkerchief in your lap where Peory can borry it if she needs it, 'n' I hope she'll know when she does need it, though I don't expect it.) Now we'll try a few things ter see how they'll go! Mr. Clement46, do you eat cramb'ry sarse?"
"Bet yer life!" cried Clem, who in the excitement of the moment had not taken in the idea exactly and had mistaken this for an ordinary bosom-of-the-family question.
"Clement McGrill Ruggles, do you mean to tell me that you'd say that to a dinner-party? I'll give ye one more chance. Mr. Clement, will you take some of the cramb'ry?"[Pg 45]
"Very good, indeed! But they won't give yer two tries to-night,—yer just remember that!—Miss Peory, do you speak for white or dark meat?"
"I ain't perticler as ter color,—anything that nobody else wants will suit me," answered Peory with her best air.
"First-rate! Nobody could speak more genteel than that. Miss Kitty, will you have hard or soft sarse with your pudden?"
"Hard or soft? Oh! A little of both, if you please, an' I'm much obliged," said Kitty, bowing with decided49 ease and grace; at which all the other Ruggleses pointed50 the finger of shame at her, and Peter grunted51 expressively52, that their meaning might not be mistaken.
"You just stop your gruntin', Peter Ruggles; that warn't greedy, that was all right. I wish I could git it inter53 your heads that it ain't so much what yer say, as the way you say it. And don't keep starin' cross-eyed at your necktie pin, or I'll take it out 'n' sew it on to Clem or Cornelius: Sarah Maud'll keep her eye on it, 'n' if it turns broken side out she'll tell yer. Gracious! I shouldn't think you'd ever seen nor worn no jool'ry in your[Pg 46] life.—Eily, you an' Larry's too little to train, so you just look at the rest an' do's they do, 'n' the Lord have mercy on ye 'n' help ye to act decent! Now, is there anything more ye'd like to practice?"
"If yer tell me one more thing, I can't set up an' eat," said Peter gloomily; "I'm so cram47 full o' manners now I'm ready ter bust54, 'thout no dinner at all."
"Me too," chimed in Cornelius.
"Well, I'm sorry for yer both," rejoined Mrs. Ruggles sarcastically55; "if the 'mount o' manners yer've got on hand now troubles ye, you're dreadful easy hurt! Now, Sarah Maud, after dinner, about once in so often, you must git up 'n' say, 'I guess we'd better be goin';' 'n' if they say, 'Oh, no, set a while longer,' yer can set; but if they don't say nothin' you've got ter get up 'n' go.—Now hev yer got that int' yer head?"
"About once in so often!" Could any words in the language be fraught56 with more terrible and wearing uncertainty57?
"Well," answered Sarah Maud mournfully, "seems as if this whole dinner-party set right square on top o' me! Mebbe I could manage my own manners, but to manage nine mannerses is worse 'n staying to home!"[Pg 47]
"Oh, don't fret," said her mother, good-naturedly, now that the lesson was over; "I guess you'll git along. I wouldn't mind if folks would only say, 'Oh, childern will be childern;' but they won't. They'll say, 'Land o' Goodness, who fetched them childern up?'—It's quarter past five, 'n' yer can go now:—remember 'bout1 the hats,—don't all talk ter once,—Susan, lend yer han'k'chief ter Peory,—Peter, don't keep screwin' yer scarf-pin,—Cornelius, hold yer head up straight,—Sarah Maud, don't take yer eyes off o' Larry, 'n' Larry you keep holt o' Sarah Maud 'n' do jest as she says,—'n' whatever you do, all of yer, never forget for one second that yer mother was a McGrill."
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1
bout
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| n.侵袭，发作；一次(阵，回)；拳击等比赛 | |
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2
mightiest
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| adj.趾高气扬( mighty的最高级 )；巨大的；强有力的；浩瀚的 | |
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3
promptly
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| adv.及时地，敏捷地 | |
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4
rations
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| 定量( ration的名词复数 )； 配给量； 正常量； 合理的量 | |
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5
scanty
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| adj.缺乏的，仅有的，节省的，狭小的，不够的 | |
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6
scotch
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| n.伤口，刻痕；苏格兰威士忌酒；v.粉碎，消灭，阻止；adj.苏格兰(人)的 | |
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7
snarls
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| n.（动物的）龇牙低吼( snarl的名词复数 )；愤怒叫嚷（声）；咆哮（声）；疼痛叫声v.（指狗）吠，嗥叫， （人）咆哮( snarl的第三人称单数 )；咆哮着说，厉声地说 | |
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8
con
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| n.反对的观点，反对者，反对票，肺病；vt.精读，学习，默记；adv.反对地，从反面；adj.欺诈的 | |
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9
hop
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| n.单脚跳，跳跃；vi.单脚跳，跳跃；着手做某事；vt.跳跃，跃过 | |
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10
brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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11
mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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12
deafening
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| adj. 振耳欲聋的, 极喧闹的 动词deafen的现在分词形式 | |
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13
rebellious
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| adj.造反的，反抗的，难控制的 | |
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14
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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15
vow
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| n.誓(言)，誓约；v.起誓，立誓 | |
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16
faculties
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| n.能力( faculty的名词复数 )；全体教职员；技巧；院 | |
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17
lesser
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| adj.次要的，较小的；adv.较小地，较少地 | |
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18
wink
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| n.眨眼，使眼色，瞬间；v.眨眼，使眼色，闪烁 | |
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19
grumbled
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| 抱怨( grumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 发牢骚； 咕哝； 发哼声 | |
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20
toil
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| vi.辛劳工作，艰难地行动；n.苦工，难事 | |
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21
grandeur
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| n.伟大，崇高，宏伟，庄严，豪华 | |
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22
applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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23
cuffs
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| n.袖口( cuff的名词复数 )v.掌打，拳打( cuff的第三人称单数 ) | |
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24
vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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25
boiler
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| n.锅炉；煮器(壶，锅等) | |
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26
rinse
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| v.用清水漂洗，用清水冲洗 | |
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27
heroism
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| n.大无畏精神，英勇 | |
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28
complexions
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| 肤色( complexion的名词复数 )； 面色； 局面； 性质 | |
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29
freckles
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| n.雀斑，斑点( freckle的名词复数 ) | |
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30
linen
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| n.亚麻布，亚麻线，亚麻制品；adj.亚麻布制的，亚麻的 | |
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31
grumbling
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| adj. 喃喃鸣不平的, 出怨言的 | |
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32
stylish
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| adj.流行的，时髦的；漂亮的，气派的 | |
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33
parlor
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| n.店铺，营业室；会客室，客厅 | |
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34
hustled
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| 催促（hustle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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35
infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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36
haughty
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| adj.傲慢的，高傲的 | |
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37
clatter
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| v./n.(使)发出连续而清脆的撞击声 | |
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38
herd
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| n.兽群，牧群；vt.使集中，把…赶在一起 | |
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39
giggling
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| v.咯咯地笑( giggle的现在分词 ) | |
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40
countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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41
discreetly
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| ad.(言行)审慎地，慎重地 | |
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42
clove
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| n.丁香味 | |
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43
giggles
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| n.咯咯的笑( giggle的名词复数 )；傻笑；玩笑；the giggles 止不住的格格笑v.咯咯地笑( giggle的第三人称单数 ) | |
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44
backwards
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| adv.往回地，向原处，倒，相反，前后倒置地 | |
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45
tablecloth
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| n.桌布，台布 | |
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46
clement
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| adj.仁慈的；温和的 | |
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47
cram
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| v.填塞，塞满，临时抱佛脚，为考试而学习 | |
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48
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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49
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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50
pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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51
grunted
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| （猪等）作呼噜声( grunt的过去式和过去分词 )； （指人）发出类似的哼声； 咕哝着说 | |
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52
expressively
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| ad.表示(某事物)地；表达地 | |
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53
inter
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| v.埋葬 | |
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54
bust
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| vt.打破；vi.爆裂；n.半身像；胸部 | |
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55
sarcastically
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| adv.挖苦地，讽刺地 | |
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56
fraught
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| adj.充满…的，伴有(危险等)的；忧虑的 | |
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57
uncertainty
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| n.易变，靠不住，不确知，不确定的事物 | |
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