“What's all this noise about?” the Vice-warden4 angrily enquired5, as he strode into the room. “And who put the hat-stand here?”
And he hung his hat up on Bruno, who was standing in the middle of the room, too much astonished by the sudden change of scene to make any attempt at removing it, though it came down to his shoulders, making him look something like a small candle with a large extinguisher over it.
The Professor mildly explained that His Highness had been graciously pleased to say he wouldn't do his lessons.
“Do your lessons this instant, you young cub6!” thundered the Vice-Warden. “And take this!” and a resounding7 box on the ear made the unfortunate Professor reel across the room.
“Shave you? Of course I will!” my Lady replied, as she lifted him into a chair, and pinned an anti-macassar round his neck. “Where's the razor?”
The Vice-Warden meanwhile had got hold of Uggug, and was belabouring him with his umbrella. “Who left this loose nail in the floor?” he shouted, “Hammer it in, I say! Hammer it in!” Blow after blow fell on the writhing9 Uggug, till he dropped howling to the floor.
{Image...'Hammer it in!'}
Then his father turned to the 'shaving' scene which was being enacted10, and roared with laughter. “Excuse me, dear, I ca'n't help it!” he said as soon as he could speak. “You are such an utter donkey! Kiss me, Tabby!”
And he flung his arms round the neck of the terrified Professor, who raised a wild shriek11, but whether he received the threatened kiss or not I was unable to see, as Bruno, who had by this time released himself from his extinguisher, rushed headlong out of the room, followed by Sylvie; and I was so fearful of being left alone among all these crazy creatures that I hurried after them.
“We must go to Father!” Sylvie panted, as they ran down the garden. “I'm sure things are at their worst! I'll ask the Gardener to let us out again.”
“But we ca'n't walk all the way!” Bruno whimpered. “How I wiss we had a coach-and-four, like Uncle!”
“He thought he saw a Coach-and-Four
That stood beside his bed:
He looked again, and found it was
A Bear without a Head.
'Poor thing,' he said, 'poor silly thing!
It's waiting to be fed!'”
{Image...A bear without a head}
“No, I ca'n't let you out again!” he said, before the children could speak. “The Vice-warden gave it me, he did, for letting you out last time! So be off with you!” And, turning away from them, he began digging frantically13 in the middle of a gravel-walk, singing, over and over again, “'Poor thing,' he said, 'poor silly thing! It's waiting to be fed!'” but in a more musical tone than the shrill screech14 in which he had begun.
The music grew fuller and richer at every moment: other manly15 voices joined in the refrain: and soon I heard the heavy thud that told me the boat had touched the beach, and the harsh grating of the shingle16 as the men dragged it up. I roused myself, and, after lending them a hand in hauling up their boat, I lingered yet awhile to watch them disembark a goodly assortment17 of the hard-won 'treasures of the deep.'
When at last I reached our lodgings18 I was tired and sleepy, and glad enough to settle down again into the easy-chair, while Arthur hospitably19 went to his cupboard, to get me out some cake and wine, without which, he declared, he could not, as a doctor, permit my going to bed.
And how that cupboard-door did creak! It surely could not be Arthur, who was opening and shutting it so often, moving so restlessly about, and muttering like the soliloquy of a tragedy-queen!
No, it was a female voice. Also the figure half-hidden by the cupboard-door—was a female figure, massive, and in flowing robes.
“What is that donkey doing?” he said to himself, pausing, aghast, on the threshold.
The lady, thus rudely referred to, was his wife. She had got one of the cupboards open, and stood with her back to him, smoothing down a sheet of brown paper on one of the shelves, and whispering to herself “So, so! Deftly21 done! Craftily22 contrived23!”
Her loving husband stole behind her on tiptoe, and tapped her on the head. “Boh!” he playfully shouted at her ear. “Never tell me again I ca'n't say 'boh' to a goose!”
My Lady wrung24 her hands. “Discovered!” she groaned25. “Yet no—he is one of us! Reveal it not, oh Man! Let it bide26 its time!”
“Reveal what not?” her husband testily27 replied, dragging out the sheet of brown paper. “What are you hiding here, my Lady? I insist upon knowing!”
My Lady cast down her eyes, and spoke28 in the littlest of little voices. “Don't make fun of it, Benjamin!” she pleaded. “It's—it's—-don't you understand? It's a DAGGER29!”
“And what's that for?” sneered30 His Excellency. “We've only got to make people think he's dead! We haven't got to kill him! And made of tin, too!” he snarled31, contemptuously bending the blade round his thumb. “Now, Madam, you'll be good enough to explain. First, what do you call me Benjamin for?”
“Oh, an alias, is it? Well! And next, what did you get this dagger for? Come, no evasions34! You ca'n't deceive me!”
“I got it for—for—for—” the detected Conspirator35 stammered36, trying her best to put on the assassin-expression that she had been practising at the looking-glass. “For—”
“For what, Madam!”
“Well, for eighteenpence, if you must know, dearest! That's what I got it for, on my—”
“Now don't say your Word and Honour!” groaned the other Conspirator. “Why, they aren't worth half the money, put together!”
“On my birthday,” my Lady concluded in a meek37 whisper. “One must have a dagger, you know. It's part of the—”
“Oh, don't talk of Conspiracies38!” her husband savagely40 interrupted, as he tossed the dagger into the cupboard. “You know about as much how to manage a Conspiracy as if you were a chicken. Why, the first thing is to get a disguise. Now, just look at this!”
And with pardonable pride he fitted on the cap and bells, and the rest of the Fool's dress, and winked41 at her, and put his tongue in his cheek. “Is that the sort of thing, now.” he demanded.
My Lady's eyes flashed with all a Conspirator's enthusiasm. “The very thing!” she exclaimed, clapping her hands. “You do look, oh, such a perfect Fool!”
The Fool smiled a doubtful smile. He was not quite clear whether it was a compliment or not, to express it so plainly. “You mean a Jester? Yes, that's what I intended. And what do you think your disguise is to be?” And he proceeded to unfold the parcel, the lady watching him in rapture42.
“Oh, how lovely!” she cried, when at last the dress was unfolded. “What a splendid disguise! An Esquimaux peasant-woman!”
“An Esquimaux peasant, indeed!” growled44 the other. “Here, put it on, and look at yourself in the glass. Why, it's a Bear, ca'n't you use your eyes?” He checked himself suddenly, as a harsh voice yelled through the room,
“He looked again, and found it was
A Bear without a Head!”
But it was only the Gardener, singing under the open window. The Vice-Warden stole on tip-toe to the window, and closed it noiselessly, before he ventured to go on. “Yes, Lovey, a Bear: but not without a head, I hope! You're the Bear, and me the Keeper. And if any one knows us, they'll have sharp eyes, that's all!”
“I shall have to practise the steps a bit,” my Lady said, looking out through the Bear's mouth: “one ca'n't help being rather human just at first, you know. And of course you'll say 'Come up, Bruin!', won't you?”
“Yes, of course,” replied the Keeper, laying hold of the chain, that hung from the Bear's collar, with one hand, while with the other he cracked a little whip. “Now go round the room in a sort of a dancing attitude. Very good, my dear, very good. Come up, Bruin! Come up, I say!”
{Image...'Come up, bruin!'}
He roared out the last words for the benefit of Uggug, who had just come into the room, and was now standing, with his hands spread out, and eyes and mouth wide open, the very picture of stupid amazement45. “Oh, my!” was all he could gasp46 out.
The Keeper pretended to be adjusting the bear's collar, which gave him an opportunity of whispering, unheard by Uggug, “my fault, I'm afraid! Quite forgot to fasten the door. Plot's ruined if he finds it out! Keep it up a minute or two longer. Be savage39!” Then, while seeming to pull it back with all his strength, he let it advance upon the scared boy: my Lady, with admirable presence of mind, kept up what she no doubt intended for a savage growl43, though it was more like the purring of a cat: and Uggug backed out of the room with such haste that he tripped over the mat, and was heard to fall heavily outside—an accident to which even his doting47 mother paid no heed48, in the excitement of the moment.
The Vice-Warden shut and bolted the door. “Off with the disguises!” he panted. “There's not a moment to lose. He's sure to fetch the Professor, and we couldn't take him in, you know!” And in another minute the disguises were stowed away in the cupboard, the door unbolted, and the two Conspirators49 seated lovingly side-by-side on the sofa, earnestly discussing a book the Vice-Warden had hastily snatched off the table, which proved to be the City-Directory of the capital of Outland.
The door opened, very slowly and cautiously, and the Professor peeped in, Uggug's stupid face being just visible behind him.
“It is a beautiful arrangement!” the Vice-warden was saying with enthusiasm. “You see, my precious one, that there are fifteen houses in Green Street, before you turn into West Street.”
“Fifteen houses! Is it possible?” my Lady replied. “I thought it was fourteen!” And, so intent were they on this interesting question, that neither of them even looked up till the Professor, leading Uggug by the hand, stood close before them.
My Lady was the first to notice their approach. “Why, here's the Professor!” she exclaimed in her blandest50 tones. “And my precious child too! Are lessons over?”
“A strange thing has happened!” the Professor began in a trembling tone. “His Exalted51 Fatness” (this was one of Uggug's many titles) “tells me he has just seen, in this very room, a Dancing-Bear and a Court-Jester!”
The Vice-Warden and his wife shook with well-acted merriment.
“Not in this room, darling!” said the fond mother. “We've been sitting here this hour or more, reading—,” here she referred to the book lying on her lap, “—reading the—the City-Directory.”
“Let me feel your pulse, my boy!” said the anxious father. “Now put out your tongue. Ah, I thought so! He's a little feverish52, Professor, and has had a bad dream. Put him to bed at once, and give him a cooling draught53.”
“I ain't been dreaming!” his Exalted Fatness remonstrated54, as the Professor led him away.
“Bad grammar, Sir!” his father remarked with some sternness. “Kindly attend to that little matter, Professor, as soon as you have corrected the feverishness55. And, by the way, Professor!” (The Professor left his distinguished56 pupil standing at the door, and meekly57 returned.) “There is a rumour58 afloat, that the people wish to elect an—in point of fact, an—you understand that I mean an—”
“Not another Professor!” the poor old man exclaimed in horror.
“No! Certainly not!” the Vice-Warden eagerly explained. “Merely an Emperor, you understand.”
“An Emperor!” cried the astonished Professor, holding his head between his hands, as if he expected it to come to pieces with the shock. “What will the Warden—”
“Why, the Warden will most likely be the new Emperor!” my Lady explained. “Where could we find a better? Unless, perhaps—” she glanced at her husband.
The Vice-Warden resumed the thread of his discourse60. “The reason I mentioned it, Professor, was to ask you to be so kind as to preside at the Election. You see it would make the thing respectable—no suspicion of anything, underhand—”
“I fear I ca'n't, your Excellency!” the old man faltered. “What will the Warden—”
“True, true!” the Vice-Warden interrupted. “Your position, as Court-Professor, makes it awkward, I admit. Well, well! Then the Election shall be held without you.”
“Better so, than if it were held within me!” the Professor murmured with a bewildered air, as if he hardly knew what he was saying. “Bed, I think your Highness said, and a cooling-draught?” And he wandered dreamily back to where Uggug sulkily awaited him.
I followed them out of the room, and down the passage, the Professor murmuring to himself, all the time, as a kind of aid to his feeble memory, “C, C, C; Couch, Cooling-Draught, Correct-Grammar,” till, in turning a corner, he met Sylvie and Bruno, so suddenly that the startled Professor let go of his fat pupil, who instantly took to his heels.
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1
horrid
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| adj.可怕的；令人惊恐的；恐怖的；极讨厌的 | |
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discordant
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| adj.不调和的 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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warden
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| n.监察员，监狱长，看守人，监护人 | |
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enquired
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| 打听( enquire的过去式和过去分词 )； 询问； 问问题； 查问 | |
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6
cub
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| n.幼兽，年轻无经验的人 | |
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7
resounding
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| adj. 响亮的 | |
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8
faltered
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| （嗓音）颤抖( falter的过去式和过去分词 )； 支吾其词； 蹒跚； 摇晃 | |
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9
writhing
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| （因极度痛苦而）扭动或翻滚( writhe的现在分词 ) | |
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10
enacted
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| 制定（法律），通过（法案）( enact的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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11
shriek
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| v./n.尖叫，叫喊 | |
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12
shrill
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| adj.尖声的；刺耳的；v尖叫 | |
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13
frantically
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| ad.发狂地, 发疯地 | |
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14
screech
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| n./v.尖叫；(发出)刺耳的声音 | |
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15
manly
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| adj.有男子气概的；adv.男子般地，果断地 | |
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16
shingle
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| n.木瓦板；小招牌(尤指医生或律师挂的营业招牌)；v.用木瓦板盖（屋顶）；把（女子头发）剪短 | |
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17
assortment
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| n.分类，各色俱备之物，聚集 | |
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18
lodgings
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| n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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19
hospitably
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| 亲切地，招待周到地，善于款待地 | |
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20
landlady
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| n.女房东，女地主 | |
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21
deftly
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| adv.灵巧地，熟练地，敏捷地 | |
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22
craftily
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| 狡猾地，狡诈地 | |
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23
contrived
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| adj.不自然的，做作的；虚构的 | |
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24
wrung
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| 绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 )； 握紧（尤指别人的手）； 把（湿衣服）拧干； 绞掉（水） | |
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25
groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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26
bide
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| v.忍耐；等候；住 | |
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27
testily
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| adv. 易怒地, 暴躁地 | |
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28
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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29
dagger
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| n.匕首，短剑，剑号 | |
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30
sneered
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| 讥笑，冷笑( sneer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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31
snarled
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| v.（指狗）吠，嗥叫， （人）咆哮( snarl的过去式和过去分词 )；咆哮着说，厉声地说 | |
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32
conspiracy
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| n.阴谋，密谋，共谋 | |
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33
alias
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| n.化名；别名；adv.又名 | |
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34
evasions
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| 逃避( evasion的名词复数 )； 回避； 遁辞； 借口 | |
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35
conspirator
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| n.阴谋者，谋叛者 | |
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36
stammered
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| v.结巴地说出( stammer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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37
meek
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| adj.温顺的，逆来顺受的 | |
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38
conspiracies
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| n.阴谋，密谋( conspiracy的名词复数 ) | |
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39
savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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40
savagely
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| adv. 野蛮地，残酷地 | |
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41
winked
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| v.使眼色( wink的过去式和过去分词 )；递眼色（表示友好或高兴等）；（指光）闪烁；闪亮 | |
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42
rapture
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| n.狂喜；全神贯注；着迷；v.使狂喜 | |
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43
growl
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| v.（狗等）嗥叫，（炮等）轰鸣；n.嗥叫，轰鸣 | |
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44
growled
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| v.（动物）发狺狺声， （雷）作隆隆声( growl的过去式和过去分词 )；低声咆哮着说 | |
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45
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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46
gasp
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| n.喘息，气喘；v.喘息；气吁吁他说 | |
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47
doting
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| adj.溺爱的，宠爱的 | |
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48
heed
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| v.注意，留意；n.注意，留心 | |
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49
conspirators
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| n.共谋者，阴谋家( conspirator的名词复数 ) | |
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50
blandest
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| adj.（食物）淡而无味的( bland的最高级 )；平和的；温和的；无动于衷的 | |
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51
exalted
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| adj.(地位等)高的，崇高的；尊贵的，高尚的 | |
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52
feverish
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| adj.发烧的，狂热的，兴奋的 | |
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53
draught
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| n.拉，牵引，拖；一网（饮，吸，阵)；顿服药量，通风；v.起草，设计 | |
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54
remonstrated
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| v.抗议( remonstrate的过去式和过去分词 )；告诫 | |
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55
feverishness
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56
distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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57
meekly
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| adv.温顺地，逆来顺受地 | |
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58
rumour
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| n.谣言，谣传，传闻 | |
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59
fervently
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| adv.热烈地，热情地，强烈地 | |
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60
discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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