Chapter V The Little Girl Who Should Have Been a Boy

 There was so much time for the Little Girl who should have been a Boy to ponder over it. She was only seven, but she grew quite skilful¹ in pondering. After lessons—and lessons were over at eleven—there was the whole of the rest of the day to wander, in her little, desolate³ way, in the gardens. She liked the fruit-garden best, and the Golden Pippin tree was her choicest pondering-place. There was never any one there with her. The Little Girl who should have been a Boy was always alone.

 

“You see how it is. I’ve told you times enough,” she communed with herself, in her quaint⁴, unchildish fashion. “You are a mistake. You went and was born a Girl, when they wanted a Boy—oh, my, how they wanted a Boy! But the moment they saw you they knew it was all up with them. You wasn’t wicked, really,—I guess it wasn’t wicked; sometimes I can’t be certain,—but you did go and make such a silly mistake! Look at me,—why didn’t you know how much they wanted a Boy and didn’t want you? Why didn’t you be brave and go up to the Head Angel, and say, ‘Send me to another place; for pity sake don’t send me there. They want a Little Boy.’ Why didn’t you—oh, why didn’t you? It would have saved such a lot of trouble!”

 

The Little Girl who should have been a Boy always sighed at that point. The sigh made a period to the sad little speech, for after that she always sat in the long grass under the Golden Pippin tree and rocked herself back and forth⁵ silently. There was no use in saying anything more after that. It had all been said.

 

It was a great, beautiful estate, to east and west and north and south of her, and the Boy the Head Angel should have sent instead of the sad Little Girl was to have inherited it all. And there was a splendid title that went with the estate. In the sharp mind of the Little Girl nothing was hidden or undiscovered.

 

“It seems a pity to have it wasted,” she mused⁶, wistfully, with her grave wide eyes on the beautiful green expanses all about her, “just for a mistake like that,—I mean like me—too. You’d think the Head Angel would be ashamed of himself, wouldn’t you? He prob’ly is.”

 

The Shining Mother—it was thus the Little Girl who should have been a Boy had named her, on account of her sparkling eyes and wonderful sparkling gowns; everything about the Shining Mother sparkled—the Shining Mother was almost always away. So was the Ogre. Somewhere outside—clear outside—of the green expanses there was a gay, frivolous⁷ world where almost always they two stayed.

 

The Little Girl called her father the Ogre for want of a better name. She was never quite satisfied with the name, but it had to answer till she found another. Prob’ly ogres didn’t wear an eye-glass in one of their eyes, or flip⁸ off the sweet little daisy heads with cruel canes⁹, but they were oldish and scare-ish, and of course they wouldn’t have noticed you any, even if you were their Little Girl. Ogres would have prob’ly wanted a Boy too, and that’s the way they’d have let you see your mistake. So, till she found a better name, the Little Girl who had made the mistake called her father the Ogre. She was very proud and fond of the Shining Mother, but she was a little afraid of the Ogre. After all, one feeling mattered about as much as the other.

 

“It doesn’t hurt you any to be afraid, when you do it all alone by yourself,” she reasoned, “and it doesn’t do you any good to be fond. It only amuses you,” she added, with sad wisdom. As I said, she was only seven, but she was very old indeed.

 

So the time went along until the weeks piled up into months. The summer she was eight, the Little Girl could not stand it any longer. She decided¹⁰ that something must be done. The Shining Mother and the Ogre were coming back to the green expanses. She had found that out at lessons.

 

“And then they will have it all to go over again—all the miser’bleness of my not being a Boy,” the Little Girl thought, sadly. “And I don’t know whether they can stand it or not, but I can’t.”

 

A wave of infinite longing¹¹ had swept over the shy, sensitive soul of the Little Girl who should have been a Boy. One of two things must happen—she must be loved, or die. So, being desperate, she resolved to chance everything. It was under the Golden Pippin tree, rocking herself back and forth in the long grass, that she made her plans. Straight on the heels of them she went to the gardener’s little boy.

 

“Lend me—no, I mean give me—your best clothes,” she said, with gentle imperiousness. It was not a time to waste words. At best, the time that was left to practise in was limited enough.

 

“Your best clothes,” she had said, realizing distinctly that fustian¹² and corduroy would not do. She was even a little doubtful of the best clothes. The gardener’s little boy, once his mouth had shut and his legs come back to their locomotion¹³, brought them at once. If there was a suspicion of alacrity¹⁴ in his obedience¹⁵ towards the last, it escaped the thoughtful eyes of the Little Girl. Having always been a mistake, nothing more, how could she know that a boy’s best clothes are not always his dearest possession? Now if it had been the threadbare, roomy, easy little fustians, with their precious pocket-loads, that she had demanded!

 

There were six days left to practise in—only six. How the Little Girl practised! It was always quite alone by herself. She did it in a sensible, orderly way,—the leaps and strides first, whoops¹⁶ next, whistle last. The gardener’s little boy’s best clothes she kept hidden in the long grass, under the Golden Pippin tree, and on the fourth day she put them on. Oh, the agony of the fourth day! She came out of that practice period a wan², white, worn little thing that should never have been a Boy.

 

For it was heart-breaking work. Every instinct of the Little Girl’s rebelled against it. It was terrible to leap and whoop¹⁷ and whistle; her very soul revolted. But it was life or death to her, and always she persevered¹⁸.

 

In those days lessons scarcely paid. They were only a pitiful makeshift. The Little Girl lived only in her terrible practice hours. She could not eat or sleep. She grew thin and weak.

 

“I don’t look like me at all,” she told herself, on a chair before her mirror. “But that isn’t the worst of it. I don’t look like the Boy, either. Ugh! how I look! I wonder if the Angel would know me? It would be kind of dreadful not to have anybody know you. Well, you won’t be you when you’re the Boy, so prob’ly it won’t matter.”

 

On the sixth day—the last thing—she cut her hair off. She did it with her eyes shut to give herself courage, but the snips¹⁹ of the shears²⁰ broke her heart. The Little Girl had always loved her soft, shining hair. It had been like a beautiful thing apart from her, that she could caress²¹ and pet. She had made an idol²² of it, having nothing else to love.

 

When it was all shorn off she crept out of the room without opening her eyes. After that the gardener’s little boy’s best clothes came easier to her, she found. And she could whoop and leap and whistle a little better. It was almost as if she had really made herself the Boy she should have been.

 

Then the Shining Mother came, and the Ogre. The Little Girl—I mean the Boy—was waiting for them, swinging her—his—feet from a high branch of the Golden Pippin tree. He was whistling.

 

“But I think I am going to die,” he thought, behind the whistle. “I’m certain I am. I feel it coming on.”

 

Of course, after a little, there was a hunt everywhere for the Little Girl. Even little girls cannot slip out of existence like that, undiscovered. The beautiful green expanses were hunted over and over, but only a gardener’s little boy in his best clothes, whistling faintly, was found. He fell out of the Golden Pippin tree as the field-servants went by, and they stopped to carry his limp little figure to the gardener’s lodge²³. Then the hunt went forward again. The Shining Mother grew faint and sick with fear, and the Ogre strode about like one demented. It was hardly what was to be expected of the Shining Mother and the Ogre.

 

Towards night the mystery was partly solved. It was the Shining Mother who found the connecting threads. She found the little, jagged locks of soft, sweet hair. The Ogre came upon her sitting on the floor among them, and the whiteness of her face terrified him.

 

“I know—you need not tell me what has happened!” she said, scarcely above a whisper, as if in the presence of the dead. “A door in me has opened, and I see it all—all, I tell you! We have never had her,—and now, dear God in heaven, we have lost her!”

 

It was very nearly so. They could hardly know then how near it came to being true. Link by link they came upon the little chain of pitiful proofs. They found all the little, sweet, white girl-clothes folded neatly²⁴ by themselves and laid in a pile together, as if on an altar for sacrifice. If the Little Girl had written “Good-bye” in her childish scrawl²⁵ upon them, the Shining Mother would not have better understood. So many things she was seeing beyond that open door.

 

They found the Little Girl’s dolls laid out like little, white-draped corpses²⁶ in one of her bureau-drawers. The row of stolid²⁷ little faces gazed up at them with the mystery of the Sphinx in all their glittering eyes. It was the Shining Mother who shut the drawer, but first she kissed the faces.

 

After all, the Ogre discovered the last little link of the chain. He brought it home in his arms from the gardener’s lodge, and laid it on the Little Girl’s white bed. It was very still and pitiful and small. The took the gardener’s little boy’s best clothes off from it and put on the soft white night-gown of the Little Girl. Then, one on one side and one on the other, they kept their long hard vigil.

 

It was night when the Little Girl opened her eyes, and the first thing they saw was the chairful of little girl-clothes the Shining Mother had set beside the bed. Then they saw the Shining Mother. Things came back to the Little Girl by slow degrees. But the look in the Shining Mother’s face—that did not come back. That had never been there before. The Little Girl, in her wise, old way, understood that look, and gasped²⁸ weakly with the joy and wonder of it. Oh, the joy! Oh, the wonder!

 

“But I tried to be one,” she whispered after a while, a little bewildered still. “I should have done it, if I hadn’t died. I couldn’t help that; I felt it coming on. Prob’ly, though, I shouldn’t have made a very good one.”

 

The Shining Mother bent²⁹ over and took the Little Girl in her arms.

 

“Dear,” she whispered, “it was the Boy that died. I am glad he died.”

 

So, though the Ogre and the Shining Mother had not found their Boy, the Little Girl had found a father and mother.

1 skilful   

(=skillful)adj.灵巧的，熟练的

参考例句：

• The more you practise,the more skilful you'll become.练习的次数越多，熟练的程度越高。
• He's not very skilful with his chopsticks.他用筷子不大熟练。

2 wan   

(wide area network)广域网

参考例句：

• The shared connection can be an Ethernet,wireless LAN,or wireless WAN connection.提供共享的网络连接可以是以太网、无线局域网或无线广域网。

3 desolate   

adj.荒凉的，荒芜的；孤独的，凄凉的；v.使荒芜，使孤寂

参考例句：

• The city was burned into a desolate waste.那座城市被烧成一片废墟。
• We all felt absolutely desolate when she left.她走后，我们都觉得万分孤寂。

4 quaint   

adj.古雅的，离奇有趣的，奇怪的

参考例句：

• There were many small lanes in the quaint village.在这古香古色的村庄里，有很多小巷。
• They still keep some quaint old customs.他们仍然保留着一些稀奇古怪的旧风俗。

5 forth   

adv.向前；向外，往外

参考例句：

• The wind moved the trees gently back and forth.风吹得树轻轻地来回摇晃。
• He gave forth a series of works in rapid succession.他很快连续发表了一系列的作品。

6 mused   

v.沉思，冥想( muse的过去式和过去分词 )；沉思自语说（某事）

参考例句：

• \"I wonder if I shall ever see them again, \"he mused. “我不知道是否还可以再见到他们，”他沉思自问。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• \"Where are we going from here?\" mused one of Rutherford's guests. 卢瑟福的一位客人忍不住说道：‘我们这是在干什么？” 来自英汉非文学 - 科学史

7 frivolous   

adj.轻薄的；轻率的

参考例句：

• This is a frivolous way of attacking the problem.这是一种轻率敷衍的处理问题的方式。
• He spent a lot of his money on frivolous things.他在一些无聊的事上花了好多钱。

8 flip   

vt.快速翻动；轻抛；轻拍；n.轻抛；adj.轻浮的

参考例句：

• I had a quick flip through the book and it looked very interesting.我很快翻阅了一下那本书，看来似乎很有趣。
• Let's flip a coin to see who pays the bill.咱们来抛硬币决定谁付钱。

9 canes   

n.（某些植物，如竹或甘蔗的）茎( cane的名词复数 )；（用于制作家具等的）竹竿；竹杖

参考例句：

• Sugar canes eat sweet. 甘蔗吃起来很甜。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• I saw several sugar canes, but wild, and for cultivation, imperfect. 我还看到一些甘蔗，因为是野生的，未经人工栽培，所以不太好吃。 来自英汉 - 翻译样例 - 文学

10 decided   

adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的

参考例句：

• This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
• There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。

11 longing   

n.（for）渴望

参考例句：

• Hearing the tune again sent waves of longing through her.再次听到那首曲子使她胸中充满了渴望。
• His heart burned with longing for revenge.他心中燃烧着急欲复仇的怒火。

12 fustian   

n.浮夸的；厚粗棉布

参考例句：

• Fustian can't disguise the author's meager plot.浮夸的文章掩饰不住这个作者的贫乏情节。
• His fustian shirt,sanguineflowered,trembles its Spanish tassels at his secrets.他身上穿的是件印有血红色大花的粗斜纹布衬衫，每当他吐露秘密时，西班牙式的流苏就颤悠。

13 locomotion   

n.运动，移动

参考例句：

• By land,air or sea,birds are masters of locomotion.无论是通过陆地，飞越空中还是穿过海洋，鸟应算是运动能手了。
• Food sources also elicit oriented locomotion and recognition behavior patterns in most insects.食物源也引诱大多数昆虫定向迁移和识别行为。

14 alacrity   

n.敏捷，轻快，乐意

参考例句：

• Although the man was very old,he still moved with alacrity.他虽然很老，动作仍很敏捷。
• He accepted my invitation with alacrity.他欣然接受我的邀请。

15 obedience   

n.服从，顺从

参考例句：

• Society has a right to expect obedience of the law.社会有权要求人人遵守法律。
• Soldiers act in obedience to the orders of their superior officers.士兵们遵照上级军官的命令行动。

16 whoops   

int.呼喊声

参考例句：

• Whoops! Careful, you almost spilt coffee everywhere. 哎哟！小心点，你差点把咖啡洒得到处都是。
• We were awakened by the whoops of the sick baby. 生病婴儿的喘息声把我们弄醒了。

17 whoop   

n.大叫，呐喊，喘息声；v.叫喊，喘息

参考例句：

• He gave a whoop of joy when he saw his new bicycle.他看到自己的新自行车时，高兴得叫了起来。
• Everybody is planning to whoop it up this weekend.大家都打算在这个周末好好欢闹一番。

18 persevered   

v.坚忍，坚持( persevere的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• She persevered with her violin lessons. 她孜孜不倦地学习小提琴。
• Hard as the conditions were, he persevered in his studies. 虽然条件艰苦，但他仍坚持学习。 来自辞典例句

19 snips   

n.（剪金属板的）铁剪，铁铗；剪下之物( snip的名词复数 )；一点点；零星v.剪( snip的第三人称单数 )

参考例句：

• With a few quick snips of the shears he pruned the bush. 他用大剪刀几下子就把灌木给修剪好了。 来自辞典例句
• Pick up the snips of cloth and thread from the floor. 拾起地板上的布片和线头。 来自辞典例句

20 shears   

n.大剪刀

参考例句：

• These garden shears are lightweight and easy to use.这些园丁剪刀又轻又好用。
• With a few quick snips of the shears he pruned the bush.他用大剪刀几下子就把灌木给修剪好了。

21 caress   

vt./n.爱抚，抚摸

参考例句：

• She gave the child a loving caress.她疼爱地抚摸着孩子。
• She feasted on the caress of the hot spring.她尽情享受着温泉的抚爱。

22 idol   

n.偶像，红人，宠儿

参考例句：

• As an only child he was the idol of his parents.作为独子，他是父母的宠儿。
• Blind worship of this idol must be ended.对这个偶像的盲目崇拜应该结束了。

23 lodge   

v.临时住宿，寄宿，寄存，容纳；n.传达室，小旅馆

参考例句：

• Is there anywhere that I can lodge in the village tonight?村里有我今晚过夜的地方吗？
• I shall lodge at the inn for two nights.我要在这家小店住两个晚上。

24 neatly   

adv.整洁地，干净地，灵巧地，熟练地

参考例句：

• Sailors know how to wind up a long rope neatly.水手们知道怎样把一条大绳利落地缠好。
• The child's dress is neatly gathered at the neck.那孩子的衣服在领口处打着整齐的皱褶。

25 scrawl   

vt.潦草地书写；n.潦草的笔记，涂写

参考例句：

• His signature was an illegible scrawl.他的签名潦草难以辨认。
• Your beautiful handwriting puts my untidy scrawl to shame.你漂亮的字体把我的潦草字迹比得见不得人。

26 corpses   

n.死尸，尸体( corpse的名词复数 )

参考例句：

• The living soldiers put corpses together and burned them. 活着的战士把尸体放在一起烧了。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• Overhead, grayish-white clouds covered the sky, piling up heavily like decaying corpses. 天上罩满了灰白的薄云，同腐烂的尸体似的沉沉的盖在那里。 来自汉英文学 - 中国现代小说

27 stolid   

adj.无动于衷的，感情麻木的

参考例句：

• Her face showed nothing but stolid indifference.她的脸上毫无表情，只有麻木的无动于衷。
• He conceals his feelings behind a rather stolid manner.他装作无动于衷的样子以掩盖自己的感情。

28 gasped   

v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要

参考例句：

• She gasped at the wonderful view. 如此美景使她惊讶得屏住了呼吸。
• People gasped with admiration at the superb skill of the gymnasts. 体操运动员的高超技艺令人赞叹。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》

29 bent   

n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的

参考例句：

• He was fully bent upon the project.他一心扑在这项计划上。
• We bent over backward to help them.我们尽了最大努力帮助他们。