I did not allow my resolution, with respect to the Parliamentary Debates, to cool. It was one of the irons I began to heat immediately, and one of the irons I kept hot, and hammered at, with a perseverance2 I may honestly admire. I bought an approved scheme of the noble art and mystery of stenography3 (which cost me ten and sixpence); and plunged4 into a sea of perplexity that brought me, in a few weeks, to the confines of distraction5. The changes that were rung upon dots, which in such a position meant such a thing, and in such another position something else, entirely6 different; the wonderful vagaries7 that were played by circles; the unaccountable consequences that resulted from marks like flies' legs; the tremendous effects of a curve in a wrong place; not only troubled my waking hours, but reappeared before me in my sleep. When I had groped my way, blindly, through these difficulties, and had mastered the alphabet, which was an Egyptian Temple in itself, there then appeared a procession of new horrors, called arbitrary characters; the most despotic characters I have ever known; who insisted, for instance, that a thing like the beginning of a cobweb, meant expectation, and that a pen-and-ink sky-rocket, stood for disadvantageous. When I had fixed8 these wretches9 in my mind, I found that they had driven everything else out of it; then, beginning again, I forgot them; while I was picking them up, I dropped the other fragments of the system; in short, it was almost heart-breaking.
It might have been quite heart-breaking, but for Dora, who was the stay and anchor of my tempest-driven bark. Every scratch in the scheme was a gnarled oak in the forest of difficulty, and I went on cutting them down, one after another, with such vigour10, that in three or four months I was in a condition to make an experiment on one of our crack speakers in the Commons. Shall I ever forget how the crack speaker walked off from me before I began, and left my imbecile pencil staggering about the paper as if it were in a fit!
This would not do, it was quite clear. I was flying too high, and should never get on, so. I resorted to Traddles for advice; who suggested that he should dictate11 speeches to me, at a pace, and with occasional stoppages, adapted to my weakness. Very grateful for this friendly aid, I accepted the proposal; and night after night, almost every night, for a long time, we had a sort of Private Parliament in Buckingham Street, after I came home from the Doctor's.
I should like to see such a Parliament anywhere else! My aunt and Mr. Dick represented the Government or the Opposition12 (as the case might be), and Traddles, with the assistance of Enfield's Speakers, or a volume of parliamentary orations13, thundered astonishing invectives against them. Standing14 by the table, with his finger in the page to keep the place, and his right arm flourishing above his head, Traddles, as Mr. Pitt, Mr. Fox, Mr. Sheridan, Mr. Burke, Lord Castlereagh, Viscount Sidmouth, or Mr. Canning, would work himself into the most violent heats, and deliver the most withering15 denunciations of the profligacy16 and corruption17 of my aunt and Mr. Dick; while I used to sit, at a little distance, with my notebook on my knee, fagging after him with all my might and main. The inconsistency and recklessness of Traddles were not to be exceeded by any real politician. He was for any description of policy, in the compass of a week; and nailed all sorts of colours to every denomination18 of mast. My aunt, looking very like an immovable Chancellor19 of the Exchequer20, would occasionally throw in an interruption or two, as 'Hear!' or 'No!' or 'Oh!' when the text seemed to require it: which was always a signal to Mr. Dick (a perfect country gentleman) to follow lustily with the same cry. But Mr. Dick got taxed with such things in the course of his Parliamentary career, and was made responsible for such awful consequences, that he became uncomfortable in his mind sometimes. I believe he actually began to be afraid he really had been doing something, tending to the annihilation of the British constitution, and the ruin of the country.
Often and often we pursued these debates until the clock pointed21 to midnight, and the candles were burning down. The result of so much good practice was, that by and by I began to keep pace with Traddles pretty well, and should have been quite triumphant22 if I had had the least idea what my notes were about. But, as to reading them after I had got them, I might as well have copied the Chinese inscriptions23 of an immense collection of tea-chests, or the golden characters on all the great red and green bottles in the chemists' shops!
There was nothing for it, but to turn back and begin all over again. It was very hard, but I turned back, though with a heavy heart, and began laboriously24 and methodically to plod25 over the same tedious ground at a snail's pace; stopping to examine minutely every speck26 in the way, on all sides, and making the most desperate efforts to know these elusive27 characters by sight wherever I met them. I was always punctual at the office; at the Doctor's too: and I really did work, as the common expression is, like a cart-horse. One day, when I went to the Commons as usual, I found Mr. Spenlow in the doorway28 looking extremely grave, and talking to himself. As he was in the habit of complaining of pains in his head - he had naturally a short throat, and I do seriously believe he over-starched himself - I was at first alarmed by the idea that he was not quite right in that direction; but he soon relieved my uneasiness.
Instead of returning my 'Good morning' with his usual affability, he looked at me in a distant, ceremonious manner, and coldly requested me to accompany him to a certain coffee-house, which, in those days, had a door opening into the Commons, just within the little archway in St. Paul's Churchyard. I complied, in a very uncomfortable state, and with a warm shooting all over me, as if my apprehensions29 were breaking out into buds. When I allowed him to go on a little before, on account of the narrowness of the way, I observed that he carried his head with a lofty air that was particularly unpromising; and my mind misgave30 me that he had found out about my darling Dora.
If I had not guessed this, on the way to the coffee-house, I could hardly have failed to know what was the matter when I followed him into an upstairs room, and found Miss Murdstone there, supported by a background of sideboard, on which were several inverted31 tumblers sustaining lemons, and two of those extraordinary boxes, all corners and flutings, for sticking knives and forks in, which, happily for mankind, are now obsolete32.
Miss Murdstone gave me her chilly33 finger-nails, and sat severely34 rigid35. Mr. Spenlow shut the door, motioned me to a chair, and stood on the hearth-rug in front of the fireplace.
'Have the goodness to show Mr. Copperfield,' said Mr. Spenlow, what you have in your reticule, Miss Murdstone.'
I believe it was the old identical steel-clasped reticule of my childhood, that shut up like a bite. Compressing her lips, in sympathy with the snap, Miss Murdstone opened it - opening her mouth a little at the same time - and produced my last letter to Dora, teeming36 with expressions of devoted37 affection.
'I believe that is your writing, Mr. Copperfield?' said Mr. Spenlow.
I was very hot, and the voice I heard was very unlike mine, when I said, 'It is, sir!'
'If I am not mistaken,' said Mr. Spenlow, as Miss Murdstone brought a parcel of letters out of her reticule, tied round with the dearest bit of blue ribbon, 'those are also from your pen, Mr. Copperfield?'
I took them from her with a most desolate38 sensation; and, glancing at such phrases at the top, as 'My ever dearest and own Dora,' 'My best beloved angel,' 'My blessed one for ever,' and the like, blushed deeply, and inclined my head.
'No, thank you!' said Mr. Spenlow, coldly, as I mechanically offered them back to him. 'I will not deprive you of them. Miss Murdstone, be so good as to proceed!'
That gentle creature, after a moment's thoughtful survey of the carpet, delivered herself with much dry unction as follows.
'I must confess to having entertained my suspicions of Miss Spenlow, in reference to David Copperfield, for some time. I observed Miss Spenlow and David Copperfield, when they first met; and the impression made upon me then was not agreeable. The depravity of the human heart is such -'
'You will oblige me, ma'am,' interrupted Mr. Spenlow, 'by confining yourself to facts.'
Miss Murdstone cast down her eyes, shook her head as if protesting against this unseemly interruption, and with frowning dignity resumed:
'Since I am to confine myself to facts, I will state them as dryly as I can. Perhaps that will be considered an acceptable course of proceeding39. I have already said, sir, that I have had my suspicions of Miss Spenlow, in reference to David Copperfield, for some time. I have frequently endeavoured to find decisive corroboration40 of those suspicions, but without effect. I have therefore forborne to mention them to Miss Spenlow's father'; looking severely at him- 'knowing how little disposition41 there usually is in such cases, to acknowledge the conscientious42 discharge of duty.'
Mr. Spenlow seemed quite cowed by the gentlemanly sternness of Miss Murdstone's manner, and deprecated her severity with a conciliatory little wave of his hand.
'On my return to Norwood, after the period of absence occasioned by my brother's marriage,' pursued Miss Murdstone in a disdainful voice, 'and on the return of Miss Spenlow from her visit to her friend Miss Mills, I imagined that the manner of Miss Spenlow gave me greater occasion for suspicion than before. Therefore I watched Miss Spenlow closely.'
Dear, tender little Dora, so unconscious of this Dragon's eye!
'Still,' resumed Miss Murdstone, 'I found no proof until last night. It appeared to me that Miss Spenlow received too many letters from her friend Miss Mills; but Miss Mills being her friend with her father's full concurrence43,' another telling blow at Mr. Spenlow, 'it was not for me to interfere44. If I may not be permitted to allude45 to the natural depravity of the human heart, at least I may - I must - be permitted, so far to refer to misplaced confidence.'
Mr. Spenlow apologetically murmured his assent46.
'Last evening after tea,' pursued Miss Murdstone, 'I observed the little dog starting, rolling, and growling47 about the drawing-room, worrying something. I said to Miss Spenlow, "Dora, what is that the dog has in his mouth? It's paper." Miss Spenlow immediately put her hand to her frock, gave a sudden cry, and ran to the dog. I interposed, and said, "Dora, my love, you must permit me." '
Oh Jip, miserable48 Spaniel, this wretchedness, then, was your work!
'Miss Spenlow endeavoured,' said Miss Murdstone, 'to bribe49 me with kisses, work-boxes, and small articles of jewellery - that, of course, I pass over. The little dog retreated under the sofa on my approaching him, and was with great difficulty dislodged by the fire-irons. Even when dislodged, he still kept the letter in his mouth; and on my endeavouring to take it from him, at the imminent50 risk of being bitten, he kept it between his teeth so pertinaciously51 as to suffer himself to be held suspended in the air by means of the document. At length I obtained possession of it. After perusing52 it, I taxed Miss Spenlow with having many such letters in her possession; and ultimately obtained from her the packet which is now in David Copperfield's hand.'
Here she ceased; and snapping her reticule again, and shutting her mouth, looked as if she might be broken, but could never be bent53.
'You have heard Miss Murdstone,' said Mr. Spenlow, turning to me. 'I beg to ask, Mr. Copperfield, if you have anything to say in reply?'
The picture I had before me, of the beautiful little treasure of my heart, sobbing54 and crying all night - of her being alone, frightened, and wretched, then - of her having so piteously begged and prayed that stony-hearted woman to forgive her - of her having vainly offered her those kisses, work-boxes, and trinkets - of her being in such grievous distress55, and all for me - very much impaired56 the little dignity I had been able to muster57. I am afraid I was in a tremulous state for a minute or so, though I did my best to disguise it.
'There is nothing I can say, sir,' I returned, 'except that all the blame is mine. Dora -'
'Miss Spenlow, if you please,' said her father, majestically58.
'- was induced and persuaded by me,' I went on, swallowing that colder designation, 'to consent to this concealment59, and I bitterly regret it.'
'You are very much to blame, sir,' said Mr. Spenlow, walking to and fro upon the hearth-rug, and emphasizing what he said with his whole body instead of his head, on account of the stiffness of his cravat60 and spine61. 'You have done a stealthy and unbecoming action, Mr. Copperfield. When I take a gentleman to my house, no matter whether he is nineteen, twenty-nine, or ninety, I take him there in a spirit of confidence. If he abuses my confidence, he commits a dishonourable action, Mr. Copperfield.'
'I feel it, sir, I assure you,' I returned. 'But I never thought so, before. Sincerely, honestly, indeed, Mr. Spenlow, I never thought so, before. I love Miss Spenlow to that extent -'
'Pooh! nonsense!' said Mr. Spenlow, reddening. 'Pray don't tell me to my face that you love my daughter, Mr. Copperfield!'
'Could I defend my conduct if I did not, sir?' I returned, with all humility62.
'Can you defend your conduct if you do, sir?' said Mr. Spenlow, stopping short upon the hearth-rug. 'Have you considered your years, and my daughter's years, Mr. Copperfield? Have you considered what it is to undermine the confidence that should subsist63 between my daughter and myself? Have you considered my daughter's station in life, the projects I may contemplate64 for her advancement65, the testamentary intentions I may have with reference to her? Have you considered anything, Mr. Copperfield?'
'Very little, sir, I am afraid;' I answered, speaking to him as respectfully and sorrowfully as I felt; 'but pray believe me, I have considered my own worldly position. When I explained it to you, we were already engaged -'
'I BEG,' said Mr. Spenlow, more like Punch than I had ever seen him, as he energetically struck one hand upon the other - I could not help noticing that even in my despair; 'that YOU Will NOT talk to me of engagements, Mr. Copperfield!'
The otherwise immovable Miss Murdstone laughed contemptuously in one short syllable66.
'When I explained my altered position to you, sir,' I began again, substituting a new form of expression for what was so unpalatable to him, 'this concealment, into which I am so unhappy as to have led Miss Spenlow, had begun. Since I have been in that altered position, I have strained every nerve, I have exerted every energy, to improve it. I am sure I shall improve it in time. Will you grant me time - any length of time? We are both so young, sir, -'
'You are right,' interrupted Mr. Spenlow, nodding his head a great many times, and frowning very much, 'you are both very young. It's all nonsense. Let there be an end of the nonsense. Take away those letters, and throw them in the fire. Give me Miss Spenlow's letters to throw in the fire; and although our future intercourse67 must, you are aware, be restricted to the Commons here, we will agree to make no further mention of the past. Come, Mr. Copperfield, you don't want sense; and this is the sensible course.'
No. I couldn't think of agreeing to it. I was very sorry, but there was a higher consideration than sense. Love was above all earthly considerations, and I loved Dora to idolatry, and Dora loved me. I didn't exactly say so; I softened68 it down as much as I could; but I implied it, and I was resolute69 upon it. I don't think I made myself very ridiculous, but I know I was resolute.
'Very well, Mr. Copperfield,' said Mr. Spenlow, 'I must try my influence with my daughter.'
Miss Murdstone, by an expressive70 sound, a long drawn71 respiration72, which was neither a sigh nor a moan, but was like both, gave it as her opinion that he should have done this at first.
'I must try,' said Mr. Spenlow, confirmed by this support, 'my influence with my daughter. Do you decline to take those letters, Mr. Copperfield?' For I had laid them on the table.
Yes. I told him I hoped he would not think it wrong, but I couldn't possibly take them from Miss Murdstone.
'Nor from me?' said Mr. Spenlow.
No, I replied with the profoundest respect; nor from him.
'Very well!' said Mr. Spenlow.
A silence succeeding, I was undecided whether to go or stay. At length I was moving quietly towards the door, with the intention of saying that perhaps I should consult his feelings best by withdrawing: when he said, with his hands in his coat pockets, into which it was as much as he could do to get them; and with what I should call, upon the whole, a decidedly pious73 air:
'You are probably aware, Mr. Copperfield, that I am not altogether destitute74 of worldly possessions, and that my daughter is my nearest and dearest relative?'
I hurriedly made him a reply to the effect, that I hoped the error into which I had been betrayed by the desperate nature of my love, did not induce him to think me mercenary too?
'I don't allude to the matter in that light,' said Mr. Spenlow. 'It would be better for yourself, and all of us, if you WERE mercenary, Mr. Copperfield - I mean, if you were more discreet75 and less influenced by all this youthful nonsense. No. I merely say, with quite another view, you are probably aware I have some property to bequeath to my child?'
I certainly supposed so.
'And you can hardly think,' said Mr. Spenlow, 'having experience of what we see, in the Commons here, every day, of the various unaccountable and negligent76 proceedings77 of men, in respect of their testamentary arrangements - of all subjects, the one on which perhaps the strangest revelations of human inconsistency are to be met with - but that mine are made?'
I inclined my head in acquiescence78.
'I should not allow,' said Mr. Spenlow, with an evident increase of pious sentiment, and slowly shaking his head as he poised79 himself upon his toes and heels alternately, 'my suitable provision for my child to be influenced by a piece of youthful folly80 like the present. It is mere1 folly. Mere nonsense. In a little while, it will weigh lighter81 than any feather. But I might - I might - if this silly business were not completely relinquished82 altogether, be induced in some anxious moment to guard her from, and surround her with protections against, the consequences of any foolish step in the way of marriage. Now, Mr. Copperfield, I hope that you will not render it necessary for me to open, even for a quarter of an hour, that closed page in the book of life, and unsettle, even for a quarter of an hour, grave affairs long since composed.'
There was a serenity83, a tranquillity84, a calm sunset air about him, which quite affected85 me. He was so peaceful and resigned - clearly had his affairs in such perfect train, and so systematically86 wound up - that he was a man to feel touched in the contemplation of. I really think I saw tears rise to his eyes, from the depth of his own feeling of all this.
But what could I do? I could not deny Dora and my own heart. When he told me I had better take a week to consider of what he had said, how could I say I wouldn't take a week, yet how could I fail to know that no amount of weeks could influence such love as mine?
'In the meantime, confer with Miss Trotwood, or with any person with any knowledge of life,' said Mr. Spenlow, adjusting his cravat with both hands. 'Take a week, Mr. Copperfield.'
I submitted; and, with a countenance87 as expressive as I was able to make it of dejected and despairing constancy, came out of the room. Miss Murdstone's heavy eyebrows88 followed me to the door - I say her eyebrows rather than her eyes, because they were much more important in her face - and she looked so exactly as she used to look, at about that hour of the morning, in our parlour at Blunderstone, that I could have fancied I had been breaking down in my lessons again, and that the dead weight on my mind was that horrible old spelling-book, with oval woodcuts, shaped, to my youthful fancy, like the glasses out of spectacles.
When I got to the office, and, shutting out old Tiffey and the rest of them with my hands, sat at my desk, in my own particular nook, thinking of this earthquake that had taken place so unexpectedly, and in the bitterness of my spirit cursing Jip, I fell into such a state of torment89 about Dora, that I wonder I did not take up my hat and rush insanely to Norwood. The idea of their frightening her, and making her cry, and of my not being there to comfort her, was so excruciating, that it impelled90 me to write a wild letter to Mr. Spenlow, beseeching91 him not to visit upon her the consequences of my awful destiny. I implored92 him to spare her gentle nature - not to crush a fragile flower - and addressed him generally, to the best of my remembrance, as if, instead of being her father, he had been an Ogre, or the Dragon of Wantley.3 This letter I sealed and laid upon his desk before he returned; and when he came in, I saw him, through the half-opened door of his room, take it up and read it.
He said nothing about it all the morning; but before he went away in the afternoon he called me in, and told me that I need not make myself at all uneasy about his daughter's happiness. He had assured her, he said, that it was all nonsense; and he had nothing more to say to her. He believed he was an indulgent father (as indeed he was), and I might spare myself any solicitude93 on her account.
'You may make it necessary, if you are foolish or obstinate94, Mr. Copperfield,' he observed, 'for me to send my daughter abroad again, for a term; but I have a better opinion of you. I hope you will be wiser than that, in a few days. As to Miss Murdstone,' for I had alluded95 to her in the letter, 'I respect that lady's vigilance, and feel obliged to her; but she has strict charge to avoid the subject. All I desire, Mr. Copperfield, is, that it should be forgotten. All you have got to do, Mr. Copperfield, is to forget it.'
All! In the note I wrote to Miss Mills, I bitterly quoted this sentiment. All I had to do, I said, with gloomy sarcasm96, was to forget Dora. That was all, and what was that! I entreated97 Miss Mills to see me, that evening. If it could not be done with Mr. Mills's sanction and concurrence, I besought98 a clandestine99 interview in the back kitchen where the Mangle100 was. I informed her that my reason was tottering101 on its throne, and only she, Miss Mills, could prevent its being deposed102. I signed myself, hers distractedly; and I couldn't help feeling, while I read this composition over, before sending it by a porter, that it was something in the style of Mr. Micawber.
However, I sent it. At night I repaired to Miss Mills's street, and walked up and down, until I was stealthily fetched in by Miss Mills's maid, and taken the area way to the back kitchen. I have since seen reason to believe that there was nothing on earth to prevent my going in at the front door, and being shown up into the drawing-room, except Miss Mills's love of the romantic and mysterious.
In the back kitchen, I raved103 as became me. I went there, I suppose, to make a fool of myself, and I am quite sure I did it. Miss Mills had received a hasty note from Dora, telling her that all was discovered, and saying. 'Oh pray come to me, Julia, do, do!' But Miss Mills, mistrusting the acceptability of her presence to the higher powers, had not yet gone; and we were all benighted104 in the Desert of Sahara.
Miss Mills had a wonderful flow of words, and liked to pour them out. I could not help feeling, though she mingled105 her tears with mine, that she had a dreadful luxury in our afflictions. She petted them, as I may say, and made the most of them. A deep gulf106, she observed, had opened between Dora and me, and Love could only span it with its rainbow. Love must suffer in this stern world; it ever had been so, it ever would be so. No matter, Miss Mills remarked. Hearts confined by cobwebs would burst at last, and then Love was avenged107.
This was small consolation108, but Miss Mills wouldn't encourage fallacious hopes. She made me much more wretched than I was before, and I felt (and told her with the deepest gratitude) that she was indeed a friend. We resolved that she should go to Dora the first thing in the morning, and find some means of assuring her, either by looks or words, of my devotion and misery109. We parted, overwhelmed with grief; and I think Miss Mills enjoyed herself completely.
I confided110 all to my aunt when I got home; and in spite of all she could say to me, went to bed despairing. I got up despairing, and went out despairing. It was Saturday morning, and I went straight to the Commons.
I was surprised, when I came within sight of our office-door, to see the ticket-porters standing outside talking together, and some half-dozen stragglers gazing at the windows which were shut up. I quickened my pace, and, passing among them, wondering at their looks, went hurriedly in.
The clerks were there, but nobody was doing anything. Old Tiffey, for the first time in his life I should think, was sitting on somebody else's stool, and had not hung up his hat.
'This is a dreadful calamity111, Mr. Copperfield,' said he, as I entered.
'What is?' I exclaimed. 'What's the matter?'
'Don't you know?' cried Tiffey, and all the rest of them, coming round me.
'No!' said I, looking from face to face.
'Mr. Spenlow,' said Tiffey.
'What about him!'
'Dead!' I thought it was the office reeling, and not I, as one of the clerks caught hold of me. They sat me down in a chair, untied112 my neck-cloth, and brought me some water. I have no idea whether this took any time.
'Dead?' said I.
'He dined in town yesterday, and drove down in the phaeton by himself,' said Tiffey, 'having sent his own groom113 home by the coach, as he sometimes did, you know -'
'Well?'
'The phaeton went home without him. The horses stopped at the stable-gate. The man went out with a lantern. Nobody in the carriage.'
'Had they run away?'
'They were not hot,' said Tiffey, putting on his glasses; 'no hotter, I understand, than they would have been, going down at the usual pace. The reins114 were broken, but they had been dragging on the ground. The house was roused up directly, and three of them went out along the road. They found him a mile off.'
'More than a mile off, Mr. Tiffey,' interposed a junior.
'Was it? I believe you are right,' said Tiffey, - 'more than a mile off - not far from the church - lying partly on the roadside, and partly on the path, upon his face. Whether he fell out in a fit, or got out, feeling ill before the fit came on - or even whether he was quite dead then, though there is no doubt he was quite insensible - no one appears to know. If he breathed, certainly he never spoke115. Medical assistance was got as soon as possible, but it was quite useless.'
I cannot describe the state of mind into which I was thrown by this intelligence. The shock of such an event happening so suddenly, and happening to one with whom I had been in any respect at variance116 - the appalling117 vacancy118 in the room he had occupied so lately, where his chair and table seemed to wait for him, and his handwriting of yesterday was like a ghost - the in- definable impossibility of separating him from the place, and feeling, when the door opened, as if he might come in - the lazy hush119 and rest there was in the office, and the insatiable relish120 with which our people talked about it, and other people came in and out all day, and gorged121 themselves with the subject - this is easily intelligible122 to anyone. What I cannot describe is, how, in the innermost recesses123 of my own heart, I had a lurking124 jealousy125 even of Death. How I felt as if its might would push me from my ground in Dora's thoughts. How I was, in a grudging126 way I have no words for, envious127 of her grief. How it made me restless to think of her weeping to others, or being consoled by others. How I had a grasping, avaricious128 wish to shut out everybody from her but myself, and to be all in all to her, at that unseasonable time of all times.
In the trouble of this state of mind - not exclusively my own, I hope, but known to others - I went down to Norwood that night; and finding from one of the servants, when I made my inquiries129 at the door, that Miss Mills was there, got my aunt to direct a letter to her, which I wrote. I deplored130 the untimely death of Mr. Spenlow, most sincerely, and shed tears in doing so. I entreated her to tell Dora, if Dora were in a state to hear it, that he had spoken to me with the utmost kindness and consideration; and had coupled nothing but tenderness, not a single or reproachful word, with her name. I know I did this selfishly, to have my name brought before her; but I tried to believe it was an act of justice to his memory. Perhaps I did believe it.
My aunt received a few lines next day in reply; addressed, outside, to her; within, to me. Dora was overcome by grief; and when her friend had asked her should she send her love to me, had only cried, as she was always crying, 'Oh, dear papa! oh, poor papa!' But she had not said No, and that I made the most of.
Mr. jorkins, who had been at Norwood since the occurrence, came to the office a few days afterwards. He and Tiffey were closeted together for some few moments, and then Tiffey looked out at the door and beckoned131 me in.
'Oh!' said Mr. jorkins. 'Mr. Tiffey and myself, Mr. Copperfield, are about to examine the desks, the drawers, and other such repositories of the deceased, with the view of sealing up his private papers, and searching for a Will. There is no trace of any, elsewhere. It may be as well for you to assist us, if you please.'
I had been in agony to obtain some knowledge of the circumstances in which my Dora would be placed - as, in whose guardianship132, and so forth133 - and this was something towards it. We began the search at once; Mr. jorkins unlocking the drawers and desks, and we all taking out the papers. The office-papers we placed on one side, and the private papers (which were not numerous) on the other. We were very grave; and when we came to a stray seal, or pencil-case, or ring, or any little article of that kind which we associated personally with him, we spoke very low.
We had sealed up several packets; and were still going on dustily and quietly, when Mr. jorkins said to us, applying exactly the same words to his late partner as his late partner had applied134 to him:
'Mr. Spenlow was very difficult to move from the beaten track. You know what he was! I am disposed to think he had made no will.'
'Oh, I know he had!' said I.
They both stopped and looked at me. 'On the very day when I last saw him,' said I, 'he told me that he had, and that his affairs were long since settled.'
Mr. jorkins and old Tiffey shook their heads with one accord.
'That looks unpromising,' said Tiffey.
'Very unpromising,' said Mr. jorkins.
'Surely you don't doubt -' I began.
'My good Mr. Copperfield!' said Tiffey, laying his hand upon my arm, and shutting up both his eyes as he shook his head: 'if you had been in the Commons as long as I have, you would know that there is no subject on which men are so inconsistent, and so little to be trusted.'
'Why, bless my soul, he made that very remark!' I replied persistently135.
'I should call that almost final,' observed Tiffey. 'My opinion is - no will.'
It appeared a wonderful thing to me, but it turned out that there was no will. He had never so much as thought of making one, so far as his papers afforded any evidence; for there was no kind of hint, sketch136, or memorandum137, of any testamentary intention whatever. What was scarcely less astonishing to me, was, that his affairs were in a most disordered state. It was extremely difficult, I heard, to make out what he owed, or what he had paid, or of what he died possessed138. It was considered likely that for years he could have had no clear opinion on these subjects himself. By little and little it came out, that, in the competition on all points of appearance and gentility then running high in the Commons, he had spent more than his professional income, which was not a very large one, and had reduced his private means, if they ever had been great (which was exceedingly doubtful), to a very low ebb139 indeed. There was a sale of the furniture and lease, at Norwood; and Tiffey told me, little thinking how interested I was in the story, that, paying all the just debts of the deceased, and deducting140 his share of outstanding bad and doubtful debts due to the firm, he wouldn't give a thousand pounds for all the assets remaining.
This was at the expiration141 of about six weeks. I had suffered tortures all the time; and thought I really must have laid violent hands upon myself, when Miss Mills still reported to me, that my broken-hearted little Dora would say nothing, when I was mentioned, but 'Oh, poor papa! Oh, dear papa!' Also, that she had no other relations than two aunts, maiden142 sisters of Mr. Spenlow, who lived at Putney, and who had not held any other than chance communication with their brother for many years. Not that they had ever quarrelled (Miss Mills informed me); but that having been, on the occasion of Dora's christening, invited to tea, when they considered themselves privileged to be invited to dinner, they had expressed their opinion in writing, that it was 'better for the happiness of all parties' that they should stay away. Since which they had gone their road, and their brother had gone his.
These two ladies now emerged from their retirement143, and proposed to take Dora to live at Putney. Dora, clinging to them both, and weeping, exclaimed, 'O yes, aunts! Please take Julia Mills and me and Jip to Putney!' So they went, very soon after the funeral.
How I found time to haunt Putney, I am sure I don't know; but I contrived144, by some means or other, to prowl about the neighbourhood pretty often. Miss Mills, for the more exact discharge of the duties of friendship, kept a journal; and she used to meet me sometimes, on the Common, and read it, or (if she had not time to do that) lend it to me. How I treasured up the entries, of which I subjoin a sample! -
'Monday. My sweet D. still much depressed145. Headache. Called attention to J. as being beautifully sleek146. D. fondled J. Associations thus awakened147, opened floodgates of sorrow. Rush of grief admitted. (Are tears the dewdrops of the heart? J. M.)
'Tuesday. D. weak and nervous. Beautiful in pallor. (Do we not remark this in moon likewise? J. M.) D., J. M. and J. took airing in carriage. J. looking out of window, and barking violently at dustman, occasioned smile to overspread features of D. (Of such slight links is chain of life composed! J. M.)
'Wednesday. D. comparatively cheerful. Sang to her, as congenial melody, "Evening Bells". Effect not soothing148, but reverse. D. inexpressibly affected. Found sobbing afterwards, in own room. Quoted verses respecting self and young Gazelle. Ineffectually. Also referred to Patience on Monument. (Qy. Why on monument? J. M.)
'Thursday. D. certainly improved. Better night. Slight tinge149 of damask revisiting cheek. Resolved to mention name of D. C. Introduced same, cautiously, in course of airing. D. immediately overcome. "Oh, dear, dear Julia! Oh, I have been a naughty and undutiful child!" Soothed150 and caressed151. Drew ideal picture of D. C. on verge152 of tomb. D. again overcome. "Oh, what shall I do, what shall I do? Oh, take me somewhere!" Much alarmed. Fainting of D. and glass of water from public-house. (Poetical affinity153. Chequered sign on door-post; chequered human life. Alas154! J. M.)
'Friday. Day of incident. Man appears in kitchen, with blue bag, "for lady's boots left out to heel". Cook replies, "No such orders." Man argues point. Cook withdraws to inquire, leaving man alone with J. On Cook's return, man still argues point, but ultimately goes. J. missing. D. distracted. Information sent to police. Man to be identified by broad nose, and legs like balustrades of bridge. Search made in every direction. No J. D. weeping bitterly, and inconsolable. Renewed reference to young Gazelle. Appropriate, but unavailing. Towards evening, strange boy calls. Brought into parlour. Broad nose, but no balustrades. Says he wants a pound, and knows a dog. Declines to explain further, though much pressed. Pound being produced by D. takes Cook to little house, where J. alone tied up to leg of table. joy of D. who dances round J. while he eats his supper. Emboldened155 by this happy change, mention D. C. upstairs. D. weeps afresh, cries piteously, "Oh, don't, don't, don't! It is so wicked to think of anything but poor papa!" - embraces J. and sobs156 herself to sleep. (Must not D. C. confine himself to the broad pinions157 of Time? J. M.)'
Miss Mills and her journal were my sole consolation at this period. To see her, who had seen Dora but a little while before - to trace the initial letter of Dora's name through her sympathetic pages - to be made more and more miserable by her - were my only comforts. I felt as if I had been living in a palace of cards, which had tumbled down, leaving only Miss Mills and me among the ruins; I felt as if some grim enchanter had drawn a magic circle round the innocent goddess of my heart, which nothing indeed but those same strong pinions, capable of carrying so many people over so much, would enable me to enter!
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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perseverance
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| n.坚持不懈，不屈不挠 | |
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stenography
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| n.速记，速记法 | |
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plunged
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| v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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distraction
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| n.精神涣散，精神不集中，消遣，娱乐 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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vagaries
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| n.奇想( vagary的名词复数 )；异想天开；异常行为；难以预测的情况 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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wretches
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| n.不幸的人( wretch的名词复数 )；可怜的人；恶棍；坏蛋 | |
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vigour
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| （=vigor）n.智力，体力，精力 | |
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dictate
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| v.口授；(使)听写；指令，指示，命令 | |
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opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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orations
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| n.（正式仪式中的）演说，演讲( oration的名词复数 ) | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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withering
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| 使人畏缩的，使人害羞的，使人难堪的 | |
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profligacy
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| n.放荡，不检点，肆意挥霍 | |
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corruption
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| n.腐败，堕落，贪污 | |
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denomination
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| n.命名，取名，(度量衡、货币等的)单位 | |
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chancellor
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| n.(英)大臣；法官；(德、奥)总理；大学校长 | |
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exchequer
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| n.财政部；国库 | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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triumphant
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| adj.胜利的，成功的；狂欢的，喜悦的 | |
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inscriptions
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| （作者）题词( inscription的名词复数 )； 献词； 碑文； 证劵持有人的登记 | |
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laboriously
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| adv.艰苦地；费力地；辛勤地；（文体等）佶屈聱牙地 | |
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plod
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| v.沉重缓慢地走，孜孜地工作 | |
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speck
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| n.微粒，小污点，小斑点 | |
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elusive
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| adj.难以表达(捉摸)的；令人困惑的；逃避的 | |
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doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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apprehensions
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| 疑惧 | |
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misgave
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| v.使（某人的情绪、精神等）疑虑，担忧，害怕( misgive的过去式 ) | |
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inverted
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| adj.反向的，倒转的v.使倒置，使反转( invert的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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obsolete
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| adj.已废弃的，过时的 | |
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chilly
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| adj.凉快的，寒冷的 | |
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severely
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| adv.严格地；严厉地；非常恶劣地 | |
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rigid
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| adj.严格的，死板的；刚硬的，僵硬的 | |
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teeming
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| adj.丰富的v.充满( teem的现在分词 )；到处都是；（指水、雨等）暴降；倾注 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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desolate
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| adj.荒凉的，荒芜的；孤独的，凄凉的；v.使荒芜，使孤寂 | |
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proceeding
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| n.行动，进行，(pl.)会议录，学报 | |
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corroboration
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| n.进一步的证实，进一步的证据 | |
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disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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conscientious
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| adj.审慎正直的，认真的，本着良心的 | |
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concurrence
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| n.同意；并发 | |
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interfere
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| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
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allude
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| v.提及，暗指 | |
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assent
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| v.批准，认可；n.批准，认可 | |
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growling
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| n.吠声, 咆哮声 v.怒吠, 咆哮, 吼 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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bribe
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| n.贿赂；v.向…行贿，买通 | |
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imminent
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| adj.即将发生的，临近的，逼近的 | |
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pertinaciously
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| adv.坚持地；固执地；坚决地；执拗地 | |
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52
perusing
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| v.读（某篇文字）( peruse的现在分词 )；（尤指）细阅；审阅；匆匆读或心不在焉地浏览（某篇文字） | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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56
impaired
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| adj.受损的；出毛病的；有（身体或智力）缺陷的v.损害，削弱( impair的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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57
muster
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| v.集合，收集，鼓起，激起；n.集合，检阅，集合人员，点名册 | |
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majestically
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| 雄伟地； 庄重地； 威严地； 崇高地 | |
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concealment
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| n.隐藏, 掩盖，隐瞒 | |
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cravat
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| n.领巾，领结；v.使穿有领结的服装，使结领结 | |
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spine
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| n.脊柱，脊椎；(动植物的)刺；书脊 | |
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humility
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| n.谦逊，谦恭 | |
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subsist
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| vi.生存，存在，供养 | |
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contemplate
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| vt.盘算，计议；周密考虑；注视，凝视 | |
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advancement
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| n.前进，促进，提升 | |
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syllable
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| n.音节；vt.分音节 | |
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intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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softened
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| （使）变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰 | |
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resolute
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| adj.坚决的，果敢的 | |
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expressive
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| adj.表现的，表达…的，富于表情的 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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respiration
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| n.呼吸作用；一次呼吸；植物光合作用 | |
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pious
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| adj.虔诚的；道貌岸然的 | |
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destitute
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| adj.缺乏的；穷困的 | |
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discreet
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| adj.(言行)谨慎的；慎重的；有判断力的 | |
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negligent
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| adj.疏忽的；玩忽的；粗心大意的 | |
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proceedings
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| n.进程，过程，议程；诉讼(程序)；公报 | |
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acquiescence
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| n.默许；顺从 | |
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poised
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| a.摆好姿势不动的 | |
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folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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lighter
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| n.打火机，点火器；驳船；v.用驳船运送；light的比较级 | |
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relinquished
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| 交出，让给( relinquish的过去式和过去分词 )； 放弃 | |
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serenity
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| n.宁静，沉着，晴朗 | |
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tranquillity
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| n. 平静, 安静 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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systematically
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| adv.有系统地 | |
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countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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impelled
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| v.推动、推进或敦促某人做某事( impel的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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beseeching
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| adj.恳求似的v.恳求，乞求（某事物）( beseech的现在分词 ) | |
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implored
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| 恳求或乞求（某人）( implore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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solicitude
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| n.焦虑 | |
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obstinate
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| adj.顽固的，倔强的，不易屈服的，较难治愈的 | |
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alluded
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| 提及，暗指( allude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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sarcasm
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| n.讥讽，讽刺，嘲弄，反话 （adj.sarcastic） | |
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entreated
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| 恳求，乞求( entreat的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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besought
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| v.恳求，乞求（某事物）( beseech的过去式和过去分词 )；(beseech的过去式与过去分词) | |
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clandestine
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| adj.秘密的，暗中从事的 | |
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mangle
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| vt.乱砍，撕裂，破坏，毁损，损坏，轧布 | |
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tottering
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| adj.蹒跚的，动摇的v.走得或动得不稳( totter的现在分词 )；踉跄；蹒跚；摇摇欲坠 | |
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deposed
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| v.罢免( depose的过去式和过去分词 )；（在法庭上）宣誓作证 | |
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raved
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| v.胡言乱语( rave的过去式和过去分词 )；愤怒地说；咆哮；痴心地说 | |
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104
benighted
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| adj.蒙昧的 | |
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105
mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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106
gulf
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| n.海湾；深渊，鸿沟；分歧，隔阂 | |
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107
avenged
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| v.为…复仇，报…之仇( avenge的过去式和过去分词 )；为…报复 | |
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108
consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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109
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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110
confided
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| v.吐露（秘密，心事等）( confide的过去式和过去分词 )；（向某人）吐露（隐私、秘密等） | |
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111
calamity
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| n.灾害，祸患，不幸事件 | |
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112
untied
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| 松开，解开( untie的过去式和过去分词 )； 解除，使自由； 解决 | |
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113
groom
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| vt.给（马、狗等）梳毛，照料，使...整洁 | |
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114
reins
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| 感情，激情； 缰( rein的名词复数 )； 控制手段； 掌管； （成人带着幼儿走路以防其走失时用的）保护带 | |
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115
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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116
variance
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| n.矛盾，不同 | |
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117
appalling
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| adj.骇人听闻的，令人震惊的，可怕的 | |
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118
vacancy
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| n.（旅馆的）空位，空房，（职务的）空缺 | |
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119
hush
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| int.嘘，别出声；n.沉默，静寂；v.使安静 | |
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120
relish
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| n.滋味，享受，爱好，调味品；vt.加调味料，享受，品味；vi.有滋味 | |
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121
gorged
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| v.（用食物把自己）塞饱，填饱( gorge的过去式和过去分词 )；作呕 | |
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122
intelligible
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| adj.可理解的，明白易懂的，清楚的 | |
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123
recesses
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| n.壁凹( recess的名词复数 )；（工作或业务活动的）中止或暂停期间；学校的课间休息；某物内部的凹形空间v.把某物放在墙壁的凹处( recess的第三人称单数 )；将（墙）做成凹形，在（墙）上做壁龛；休息，休会，休庭 | |
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124
lurking
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| 潜在 | |
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125
jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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126
grudging
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| adj.勉强的，吝啬的 | |
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127
envious
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| adj.嫉妒的，羡慕的 | |
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128
avaricious
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| adj.贪婪的，贪心的 | |
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129
inquiries
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| n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 )；疑问；探究；打听 | |
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130
deplored
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| v.悲叹，痛惜，强烈反对( deplore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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131
beckoned
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| v.（用头或手的动作）示意，召唤( beckon的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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132
guardianship
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| n. 监护, 保护, 守护 | |
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133
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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134
applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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135
persistently
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| ad.坚持地；固执地 | |
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136
sketch
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| n.草图；梗概；素描；v.素描；概述 | |
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137
memorandum
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| n.备忘录，便笺 | |
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138
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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139
ebb
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| vi.衰退，减退；n.处于低潮，处于衰退状态 | |
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140
deducting
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| v.扣除，减去( deduct的现在分词 ) | |
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141
expiration
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| n.终结，期满，呼气，呼出物 | |
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142
maiden
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| n.少女，处女；adj.未婚的，纯洁的，无经验的 | |
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143
retirement
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| n.退休，退职 | |
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144
contrived
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| adj.不自然的，做作的；虚构的 | |
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145
depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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146
sleek
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| adj.光滑的，井然有序的；v.使光滑，梳拢 | |
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147
awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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148
soothing
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| adj.慰藉的；使人宽心的；镇静的 | |
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149
tinge
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| vt.(较淡)着色于，染色；使带有…气息；n.淡淡色彩，些微的气息 | |
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150
soothed
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| v.安慰( soothe的过去式和过去分词 )；抚慰；使舒服；减轻痛苦 | |
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151
caressed
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| 爱抚或抚摸…( caress的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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152
verge
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| n.边，边缘；v.接近，濒临 | |
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153
affinity
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| n.亲和力，密切关系 | |
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154
alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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155
emboldened
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| v.鼓励，使有胆量( embolden的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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156
sobs
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| 啜泣（声），呜咽（声）( sob的名词复数 ) | |
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157
pinions
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| v.抓住[捆住]（双臂）( pinion的第三人称单数 ) | |
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