In their bedroom she stared down onto the sheet, mouth open. Her husband put his hand on her back.
“Nightmare. Don’t worry.”
“Yes.”
“Shall I get you some water?”
“Yes.”
She wouldn’t move. Wouldn’t lie back into that zone they had been in.
The dream had taken place in this room—his hand on her neck (she touched it now), his anger towards her thatshe had sensed the first few times she had met him. No, not anger, a lack of interest, irritation1 at a marriedwoman being among them. They had been bent2 over like animals, and he had yoked3 her neck back so she hadbeen unable to breathe within her arousal.
Her husband brought her the glass on a saucer but she could not lift her arms, they were shaking, loose. He putthe glass awkwardly against her mouth so she could gulp4 the chlori.nated water, some coming down her chin,falling to her stom.ach. When she lay back she hardly had time to think of what she had witnessed, she fell intoa quick deep sleep.
That had been the first recognition. She remembered it sometime during the next day, but she was busy then andshe refused to nestle with its significance for long, dismissed it; it was an accidental collision on a crowded night,nothing more.
A year later the other, more dangerous, peaceful dreams came. And even within the first one of these she recalledthe hands at her neck and waited for the mood of calmness be.tween them to swerve5 to violence.
Who lays the crumbs6 of food that tempt7 you? Towards a person you never considered. A dream. Then lateranother series of dreams.
He said later it was propinquity. Propinquity in the desert. It does that here, he said. He loved the word—thepropinquity of water, the propinquity of two or three bodies in a car driving the Sand Sea for six hours. Hersweating knee beside the gearbox of the truck, the knee swerving8, rising with the bumps. In the desert you havetime to look everywhere, to theorize on the choreography of all things around you.
When he talked like that she hated him, her eyes remaining polite, her mind wanting to slap him. She always hadthe desire to slap him, and she realized even that was sexual. For him all relationships fell into patterns. You fellinto propin.quity or distance. Just as, for him, the histories in Herodotus clarified all societies. He assumed hewas experienced in the ways of the world he had essentially9 left years earlier, strug.gling ever since to explore ahalf-invented world of the desert.
At Cairo aerodrome they loaded the equipment into the vehicles, her husband staying on to check the petrol linesof the Moth10 before the three men left the next morning. Madox went off to one of the embassies to send a wire.
And he was going into town to get drunk, the usual final evening inCairo, first at Madame Badin’s Opera Casino, and later to disappear into the streets behind the Pasha Hotel. Hewould pack before the evening began, which would allow him to just climb into the truck the next morning, hungover.
So he drove her into town, the air humid, the traffic bad and slow because of the hour.
“It’s so hot. I need a beer. Do you want one?”
“No, I have to arrange for a lot of things in the next couple of hours. You’ll have to excuse me.”
“That’s all right,” she said. “I don’t want to interfere11.”
“I’ll have one with you when I come back.”
“In three weeks, right?”
“About that.”
“I wish I were going too.”
He said nothing in answer to that. They crossed the Bulaq Bridge and the traffic got worse. Too many carts, toomany pedestrians12 who owned the streets. He cut south along the Nile towards the Semiramis Hotel, where shewas staying, just beyond the barracks.
“You’re going to find Zerzura this time, aren’t you.”
“I’m going to find it this time.”
He was like his old self. He hardly looked at her on the drive, even when they were stalled for more than fiveminutes in one spot.
At the hotel he was excessively polite. When he behaved this way she liked him even less; they all had to pretendthis pose was courtesy, graciousness. It reminded her of a dog in clothes. To hell with him. If her husband didn’thave to work with him she would prefer not to see him again.
He pulled her pack out of the rear and was about to carry it into the lobby.
“Here, I can take that.” Her shirt was damp at the back when she got out of the passenger seat.
The doorman offered to take the pack, but he said, “No, she wants to carry it,” and she was angry again at hisassump.tion. The doorman left them. She turned to him and he passed her the bag so she was facing him, bothhands awkwardly carrying the heavy case in front of her.
“So. Good-bye. Good luck.”
“Yes. I’ll look after them all. They’ll be safe.”
She nodded. She was in shadow, and he, as if unaware13 of the harsh sunlight, stood in it.
Then he came up to her, closer, and she thought for a moment he was going to embrace her. Instead he put hisright arm forward and drew it in a gesture across her bare neck so her skin was touched by the whole length ofhis\damp forearm.
“Good-bye.”
He walked back to the truck. She could feel his sweat now, like blood left by a blade which the gesture of hisarm seemed to have imitated.
She picks up a cushion and places it onto her lap as a shield against him. “If you make love to me I won’t lieabout it. If I make love to you I won’t lie about it.”
She moves the cushion against her heart, as if she would suffocate14 that part of herself which has broken free.
“What do you hate most?” he asks.
“A lie. And you?”
“Ownership,” he says. “When you leave me, forget me.”
Her fist swings towards him and hits hard into the bone just below his eye. She dresses and leaves.
Each day he would return home and look at the black bruise15 in the mirror. He became curious, not so much aboutthe bruise, but about the shape of his face. The long eyebrows17 he had never really noticed before, the beginningof grey in his sandy hair. He had not looked at himself like this in a mirror for years. That was a long eyebrow16.
Nothing can keep him from her.
When he is not in the desert with Madox or with Bermann in the Arab libraries, he meets her in Groppi Park—beside the heavily watered plum gardens. She is happiest here. She is a woman who misses moisture, who hasalways loved low green hedges and ferns. While for him this much greenery feels like a carnival18.
From Groppi Park they arc out into the old city, South Cairo, markets where few Europeans go. In his roomsmaps cover the walls. And in spite of his attempts at furnishing there is still a sense of base camp to his quarters.
They lie in each other’s arms, the pulse and shadow of the fan on them. All morning he and Bermann haveworked in the archaeological museum placing Arabic texts and European his.tories beside each other in anattempt to recognize echo, co.incidence, name changes—back past Herodotus to the Kitab al Kanuz, whereZerzura is named after the bathing woman in a desert caravan19. And there too the slow blink of a fan’s shadow.
And here too the intimate exchange and echo of child.hood20 history, of scar, of manner of kiss.
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do! How can I be your lover? He will go mad.”
A list of wounds.
The various colours of the bruise—bright russet leading to brown. The plate she walked across the room with,flinging its contents aside, and broke across his head, the blood rising up into the straw hair. The fork thatentered the back of his shoulder, leaving its bite marks the doctor suspected were caused by a fox.
He would step into an embrace with her, glancing first to see what moveable objects were around. He wouldmeet her with others in public with bruises21 or a bandaged head and explain about the taxi jerking to a halt so thathe had hit the open side window. Or with iodine22 on his forearm that covered a welt. Madox worried about hisbecoming suddenly accident-prone. She sneered23 quietly at the weakness of his explanation. Maybe it’s his age,maybe he needs glasses, said her husband, nudging Madox. Maybe it’s a woman he met, she said. Look, isn’tthat a woman’s scratch or bite?
It was a scorpion24, he said. Androctonus australis.
A postcard. Neat handwriting fills the rectangle.
Half my days 1 cannot bear not to touch you.
The rest of the time I feel it doesn’t matterif I ever see you again. It isn’t the morality,it is how much you can bear.
No date, no name attached.
Sometimes when she is able to spend the night with him they are wakened by the three minarets25 of the citybeginning their prayers before dawn. He walks with her through the indigo27 markets that lie between South Cairoand her home. The beautiful songs of faith enter the air like arrows, one minaret26 answering another, as if passingon a rumour28 of the two of them as they walk through the cold morning air, the smell of charcoal29 and hempalready making the air profound. Sinners in a holy city.
He sweeps his arm across plates and glasses on a restaurant table so she might look up somewhere else in the cityhearing this cause of noise. When he is without her. He, who has never felt alone in the miles of longitudebetween desert towns. A man in a desert can hold absence in his cupped hands knowing it is something that feedshim more than water. There is a plant he knows of near El Taj, whose heart, if one cuts it out, is replaced with afluid containing herbal goodness. Every morning one can drink the liquid the amount of a miss.ing heart. Theplant continues to flourish for a year before it dies from some lack or other.
He lies in his room surrounded by the pale maps. He is without Katharine. His hunger wishes to burn down allsocial rules, all courtesy.
Her life with others no longer interests him. He wants only her stalking beauty, her theatre of expressions. Hewants the minute and secret reflection between them, the depth of field minimal30, their foreignness intimate liketwo pages of a closed book.
He has been disassembled by her.
And if she has brought him to this, what has he brought her to?
When she is within the wall of her class and he is beside her in larger groups he tells jokes he doesn’t laugh athimself. Uncharacteristically manic, he attacks the history of explora.tion. When he is unhappy he does this.
Only Madox recog.nizes the habit. But she will not even catch his eye. She smiles to everyone, to the objects inthe room, praises a flower ar.rangement, worthless impersonal31 things. She misinterprets his behaviour, assumingthis is what he wants, and doubles the size of the wall to protect herself.
But now he cannot bear this wall in her. You built your walls too, she tells him, so I have my wall. She says itglitter.ing in a beauty he cannot stand. She with her beautiful clothes, with her pale face that laughs at everyonewho smiles at her, with the uncertain grin for his angry jokes. He contin.ues his appalling32 statements about thisand that in some ex.pedition they are all familiar with.
The minute she turns away from him in the lobby of Grop-pi’s bar after he greets her, he is insane. He knows theonly way he can accept losing her is if he can continue to hold her or be held by her. If they can somehow nurseeach other out of this. Not with a wall.
Sunlight pours into his Cairo room. His hand flabby over the Herodotus journal, all the tension in the rest of hisbody, so he writes words down wrong, the pen sprawling33 as if with.out spine34. He can hardly write down theword sunlight. The words in love.
In the apartment there is light only from the river and the desert beyond it. It falls upon her neck her feet thevaccination scar he loves on her right arm. She sits on the bed hugging nakedness. He slides his open palm alongthe sweat of her shoulder. This is my shoulder, he thinks, not her husband’s, this is my shoulder. As lovers theyhave offered parts of their bodies to each other, like this. In this room on the periphery36 of the river.
In the few hours they have, the room has darkened to this pitch of light. Just river and desert light. Only whenthere is the rare shock of rain do they go towards the window and put their arms out, stretching, to bathe as muchas they can of themselves in it. Shouts towards the brief downpour fill the streets.
“We will never love each other again. We can never see each other again.”
“I know,” he says.
The night of her insistence37 on parting.
She sits, enclosed within herself, in the armour38 of her ter.rible conscience. He is unable to reach through it. Onlyhis body is close to her.
“Never again. Whatever happens.”
“Yes.”
“I think he will go mad. Do you understand?”
He says nothing, abandoning the attempt to pull her within him.
An hour later they walk into a dry night. They can hear the gramophone songs in the distance from the Music forAll cin.ema, its windows open for the heat. They will have to part before that closes up and people she mightknow emerge from there.
They are in the botanical garden, near the Cathedral of All Saints. She sees one tear and leans forward and licksit, taking it into her mouth. As she has taken the blood from his hand when he cut himself cooking for her.
Blood. Tear. He feels everything is missing from his body, feels he contains smoke. All that is alive is theknowledge of future desire and want. What he would say he cannot say to this woman whose open.ness is like awound, whose youth is not mortal yet. He cannot alter what he loves most in her, her lack of compromise, wherethe romance of the poems she loves still sits with ease in the real world. Outside these qualities he knows there isno order in the world.
This night of her insistence. Twenty-eighth of September. The rain in the trees already dried by hot moonlight.
Not one cool drop to fall down upon him like a tear. This parting at Groppi Park. He has not asked if her husbandis home in that high square of light, across the street.
He sees the tall row of traveller’s palms above them, their outstretched wrists. The way her head and hair wereabove him, when she was his lover.
Now there is no kiss. Just one embrace. He untugs himself from her and walks away, then turns. She is still there.
He comes back within a few yards of her, one finger raised to make a point.
“I just want you to know. I don’t miss you yet.” His face awful to her, trying to smile. Her head sweeps awayfrom him and hits the side of the gatepost. He sees it hurt her, notices the wince39. But they have separated alreadyinto themselves now, the walls up at her insistence. Her jerk, her pain, is accidental, is intentional40. Her hand isnear her temple.
“You will,” she says.
From this point on in our lives, she had whispered to him earlier, we will either find or lose our souls.
How does this happen? To fall in love and be disassembled.
I was in her arms. I had pushed the sleeve of her shirt up to the shoulder so I could see her vaccination35 scar. Ilove this, I said. This pale aureole on her arm. I see the instrument scratch and then punch the serum41 within herand then release itself, free of her skin, years ago, when she was nine years old, in a school gymnasium.
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1
irritation
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| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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yoked
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| 结合（yoke的过去式形式） | |
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gulp
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| vt.吞咽，大口地吸（气）；vi.哽住；n.吞咽 | |
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5
swerve
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| v.突然转向，背离；n．转向，弯曲，背离 | |
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6
crumbs
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| int. (表示惊讶)哎呀 n. 碎屑 名词crumb的复数形式 | |
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7
tempt
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| vt.引诱，勾引，吸引，引起…的兴趣 | |
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swerving
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| v.（使）改变方向，改变目的( swerve的现在分词 ) | |
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essentially
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| adv.本质上，实质上，基本上 | |
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10
moth
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| n.蛾，蛀虫 | |
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11
interfere
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| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
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12
pedestrians
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| n.步行者( pedestrian的名词复数 ) | |
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13
unaware
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| a.不知道的，未意识到的 | |
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14
suffocate
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| vt.使窒息，使缺氧，阻碍；vi.窒息，窒息而亡，阻碍发展 | |
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15
bruise
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| n.青肿，挫伤；伤痕；vt.打青；挫伤 | |
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16
eyebrow
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| n.眉毛，眉 | |
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eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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18
carnival
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| n.嘉年华会，狂欢，狂欢节，巡回表演 | |
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caravan
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| n.大蓬车；活动房屋 | |
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20
hood
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| n.头巾，兜帽，覆盖；v.罩上，以头巾覆盖 | |
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21
bruises
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| n.瘀伤，伤痕，擦伤( bruise的名词复数 ) | |
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22
iodine
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| n.碘，碘酒 | |
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sneered
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| 讥笑，冷笑( sneer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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24
scorpion
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| n.蝎子，心黑的人，蝎子鞭 | |
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25
minarets
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| n.（清真寺旁由报告祈祷时刻的人使用的）光塔( minaret的名词复数 ) | |
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minaret
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| n.（回教寺院的）尖塔 | |
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indigo
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| n.靛青，靛蓝 | |
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rumour
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| n.谣言，谣传，传闻 | |
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charcoal
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| n.炭，木炭，生物炭 | |
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minimal
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| adj.尽可能少的，最小的 | |
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impersonal
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| adj.无个人感情的，与个人无关的，非人称的 | |
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appalling
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| adj.骇人听闻的，令人震惊的，可怕的 | |
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sprawling
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| adj.蔓生的，不规则地伸展的v.伸开四肢坐[躺]( sprawl的现在分词 )；蔓延；杂乱无序地拓展；四肢伸展坐着（或躺着） | |
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spine
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| n.脊柱，脊椎；(动植物的)刺；书脊 | |
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35
vaccination
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| n.接种疫苗，种痘 | |
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periphery
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| n.(圆体的)外面；周围 | |
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37
insistence
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| n.坚持；强调；坚决主张 | |
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38
armour
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| （=armor）n.盔甲；装甲部队 | |
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39
wince
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| n.畏缩，退避，（因痛苦，苦恼等)面部肌肉抽动；v.畏缩，退缩，退避 | |
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40
intentional
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| adj.故意的，有意（识）的 | |
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serum
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| n.浆液，血清，乳浆 | |
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