Two o’clock.
She lay staring into the dark, while the cold rain beat on the ground outside and wild gusts1 rose every now and then and rioted in anarchy2, flinging her curtains out into the room so that they flapped like sails and everything was uncertainty3 and turmoil4.
The rain wept with steady persistence5, and her heart wept with it. And in her mind was a turmoil greater than the wind’s.
“Do the obvious right thing, and let God dispose,” Rick had said. And it had seemed a sensible ruling.
But that was when it had been a hypothetical affair of “causing grievous bodily harm” (that was the phrase, wasn’t it?) and now it had ceased to be hypothesis and it wasn’t any longer mere6 bodily harm. It was — was this.
It wouldn’t be God who would dispose this, in spite of all the comforting tags. It would be the Law. Something written with ink in a statute7 book. And once that was invoked8 God Himself could not save a score of innocent persons being crushed under the juggernaut wheels of its progress.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, said the old Mosaic9 law. And it sounded simple. It sounded just. One saw it against a desert background, as if it involved two people only. It was quite different when one put it in modern words and called it “being hanged by the neck until you are dead.”
If she went to Henrietta in the ——
If?
Oh, all right, of course she was going.
When she went to Henrietta in the morning, she would be putting in motion a power over which neither she nor anyone else had control; a power that once released would catch up this, that, and the next one from the innocent security of their peaceful lives and fling them into chaos11.
She thought of Mrs Innes, happily asleep somewhere in Larborough; bound home tomorrow to wait for the return of the daughter in whom she had her life. But her daughter would not come home — ever.
Neither will Rouse, a voice pointed12 out.
No, of course not, and Innes must somehow pay for that. She must not be allowed to profit by her crime. But surely, surely there was some way in which payment could be made without making the innocent pay even more bitterly.
What was justice?
To break a woman’s heart; to bring ruin and shame on Henrietta and the destruction of all she had built up; to rub out for ever the radiance of Beau, the Beau who was unconditioned to grief. Was that a life for a life? That was three — no, four lives for one.
And one not worth ——
Oh, no. That she could not judge. For that one had to “see before and after,” as Rick said. A curiously13 sober mind, Rick had, for a person with a play-boy’s face and a Latin lover’s charm.
There was Innes moving about again next-door. As far as Lucy knew she had not slept yet either. She was very quiet, but every now and then one heard a movement or the tap in her room ran. Lucy wondered whether the water was to satisfy a thirst or to cool temples that must be throbbing14. If she, Lucy, was lying awake with her thoughts running round and round inside her skull15 like trapped mice, what must Innes be going through? Humourless she might be, unenamoured of the human species she probably was, but insensitive she most certainly was not. Whether it was thwarted16 ambition, or sheer anger and hate, that had driven her down to the gymnasium through the misty17 morning, she was not the sort to be able to do what she had done with impunity18. It might well be, indeed, that given her temperament19 it was herself she had destroyed when she tampered20 with that boom. In the case-histories of crime there were instances of women so callous21 that they had come to a fresh blooming once the obstacle to their desires was out of the way. But they were not built like Mary Innes. Innes belonged to that other, and rarer, class who found too late that they could not live with themselves any more. The price they had paid was too high.
Perhaps Innes would provide her own punishment.
That, now she came to think of it, was how she had first thought of Innes, on that Sunday afternoon under the cedar22. The stake or nothing. A self-destroyer.
That she had destroyed a life that stood in her way was almost incidental.
It had not, in any case, been intended as destruction; Lucy was quite sure of that. That is what made this business of starting the machine so repellent, so unthinkable. All that the insecure pin was meant to achieve was a temporary incapacity. An assurance that Rouse would not go to Arlinghurst in September — and that she would.
Had she had that in mind, Lucy wondered, when she refused the appointment at the Wycherley Orthopaedic Hospital? No, surely not. She was not a planner in cold blood. The thing had been done at the very last moment, in desperation.
At least, it had been achieved at the very last moment.
It was possible that its lateness was due to lack of previous opportunity. The way to the gymnasium might never have been clear before; or Rouse may have got there first.
“A Borgia face,” Edward Adrian had said, delightedly.
And Teresa’s great-grandmother’s grandmother, whom she resembled, she had planned. And had lived a long, secure, and successful life as a widow, administering rich estates and bringing up a son, without apparently23 any signs of spiritual suicide.
The wind flung itself into the room, and Innes’s window began to rattle24. She heard Innes cross the room to it, and presently it stopped.
She wished she could go next-door, now, at this minute, and put her hand down. Show Innes the ace10 she held and didn’t want to play. Together they could work something out.
Together? With the girl who loosened that pin under the boom?
No. With the girl she had talked to in the corridor last Saturday afternoon, so radiant, so full of dignity and wisdom. With the girl who could not sleep tonight. With her mother’s daughter.
Whatever she had done, even if she had planned it, the result had been something she had neither planned nor foreseen. The result was catastrophe25 for her.
And who in the first place had brought that catastrophe?
Henrietta. Henrietta with her mule-like preference for her inferior favourite.
She wondered if Henrietta was sharing Innes’s vigil. Henrietta who had come back from West Larborough so strangely thin and old-looking. As if the frame she was strung on had collapsed26 and the stuffing had shifted. Like a badly stuffed toy after a month in the nursery. That is what Henrietta had looked like.
She had been truly sorry for her friend, bereft27 of someone she had — loved? Yes, loved, she supposed. Only love could have blinded her to Rouse’s defects. Bereft; and afraid for her beloved Leys. She had been truly moved by her suffering. But she could not help the thought that but for Henrietta’s own action none of this would have happened.
The operative cause was Innes’s vulnerability. But the button that had set the whole tragedy in motion was pressed by Henrietta.
And now she, Lucy, was waiting to press another button which would set in motion machinery28 even more monstrous29. Machinery that would catch up in its gears and meshes30, and maim31 and destroy, the innocent with the guilty. Henrietta perhaps had bought her punishment, but what had the Inneses done to have this horror unloaded on them? This unnameable horror.
Or had they contributed? How much had Innes’s upbringing been responsible for her lack of resilience? Given that she had been born without “oil on her feathers,” had they tried to condition her to the lack? Who could ever say where first causes lay?
Perhaps after all, even through the Law, it was the Deity32 who disposed. If you were a Christian33 you took that for granted, of course. You took for granted that nothing ever happened that there was no cause for. That everyone who would be tortured incidentally by Innes’s trial for murder had in some way “bought” their punishment. It was a fine comfortable theory, and Lucy wished that she could subscribe34 to it. But she found it difficult to believe that any deficiency on the part of parents as responsible and as devoted35 as the Inneses could warrant the bringing down on their heads of a tragedy so unspeakable.
Or perhaps ——
She sat up, to consider this new thought.
If God did dispose — as undoubtedly36 He did in the latter end — then perhaps the disposing was already at work. Had begun to work when it was she and not someone else who found the little rosette. It had not been found by a strong-minded person who would go straight to Henrietta with it as soon as she smelt37 a rat, and so set the machinery of man-made Law in motion. No. It had been found by a feeble waverer like herself, who could never see less than three sides to any question. Perhaps that made sense.
But she wished very heartily38 that the Deity had found another instrument. She had always hated responsibility; and a responsibility of this magnitude was something that she could not deal with at all. She wished that she could throw away the little rosette — toss it out of the window now and pretend that she had never seen it. But of course she could not do that. However rabbity and inadequate39 she was by nature, there was always her other half — the Laetitia half — which stood watching her with critical eyes. She could never get away from that other half of herself. It had sent her into fights with her knees knocking, it had made her speak when she wanted to hold her tongue, it had kept her from lying down when she was too tired to stand up. It would keep her from washing her hands now.
She got up and leaned out into the wet, lashing40, noisy night. There was a puddle41 of rain water on the wood floor inside the window. The cold shock of it on her bare feet was somehow grateful; a physical and understandable discomfort42. At least she did not have to mop it up, or wonder about a carpet. All the elements came into this place at their will and everyone took it for granted. One of Innes’s few volunteered remarks had been how lovely it had been one morning to waken and find her pillow crusted with snow. That had happened only once, she said, but you could always tell the season by what you found on your pillow in the morning: spiders in the autumn and sycamore seeds in June.
She stayed so long cooling her burning head that her feet grew cold, and she had to wrap them in a jersey43 to warm them when she got back into bed. That completes it, she thought: cold feet mentally and physically44. You’re a poor thing, Lucy Pym.
About three o’clock when she was growing sleepy at last, she was shot wide awake by the realisation of what she was proposing to do. She was seriously considering keeping back evidence in a capital charge. Becoming an accessory after the fact. A criminal.
She, respectable, law-abiding Lucy Pym.
How had she got to that point? What could she have been thinking of?
Of course she had no choice in the matter at all. Who disposed or did not dispose was no concern of hers. This was a matter of public inquiry45, and she had a duty to do. A duty to civilisation46, to the State, to herself. Her private emotions had nothing to do with it. Her views on justice had nothing to do with it. However unequal and wrong-headed the Law might be, she could not suppress evidence.
How in the name of all that was crazy had she ever thought that she could?
Rick was right: she would do the obvious right thing, and let God dispose.
About half-past four she really did fall asleep.
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1
gusts
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| 一阵强风( gust的名词复数 )； （怒、笑等的）爆发； （感情的）迸发； 发作 | |
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2
anarchy
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| n.无政府状态；社会秩序混乱，无秩序 | |
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3
uncertainty
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| n.易变，靠不住，不确知，不确定的事物 | |
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4
turmoil
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| n.骚乱，混乱，动乱 | |
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5
persistence
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| n.坚持，持续，存留 | |
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6
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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7
statute
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| n.成文法，法令，法规；章程，规则，条例 | |
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8
invoked
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| v.援引( invoke的过去式和过去分词 )；行使（权利等）；祈求救助；恳求 | |
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9
mosaic
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| n./adj.镶嵌细工的，镶嵌工艺品的，嵌花式的 | |
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ace
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| n.A牌；发球得分；佼佼者；adj.杰出的 | |
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11
chaos
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| n.混乱，无秩序 | |
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12
pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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14
throbbing
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| a. 跳动的,悸动的 | |
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skull
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| n.头骨；颅骨 | |
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16
thwarted
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| 阻挠( thwart的过去式和过去分词 )； 使受挫折； 挫败； 横过 | |
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17
misty
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| adj.雾蒙蒙的，有雾的 | |
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18
impunity
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| n.(惩罚、损失、伤害等的)免除 | |
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temperament
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| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
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20
tampered
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| v.窜改( tamper的过去式 )；篡改；（用不正当手段）影响；瞎摆弄 | |
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21
callous
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| adj.无情的，冷淡的，硬结的，起老茧的 | |
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cedar
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| n.雪松，香柏(木) | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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24
rattle
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| v.飞奔，碰响；激怒；n.碰撞声；拨浪鼓 | |
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catastrophe
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| n.大灾难，大祸 | |
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collapsed
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| adj.倒塌的 | |
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bereft
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| adj.被剥夺的 | |
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machinery
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| n.(总称)机械，机器；机构 | |
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29
monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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30
meshes
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| 网孔( mesh的名词复数 )； 网状物； 陷阱； 困境 | |
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maim
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| v.使残废，使不能工作，使伤残 | |
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32
deity
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| n.神，神性；被奉若神明的人(或物) | |
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33
Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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34
subscribe
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| vi.(to)订阅，订购；同意；vt.捐助，赞助 | |
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35
devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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undoubtedly
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| adv.确实地，无疑地 | |
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smelt
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| v.熔解，熔炼；n.银白鱼，胡瓜鱼 | |
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38
heartily
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| adv.衷心地，诚恳地，十分，很 | |
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39
inadequate
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| adj.(for,to)不充足的，不适当的 | |
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40
lashing
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| n.鞭打；痛斥；大量；许多v.鞭打( lash的现在分词 )；煽动；紧系；怒斥 | |
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41
puddle
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| n.(雨)水坑，泥潭 | |
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42
discomfort
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| n.不舒服，不安，难过，困难，不方便 | |
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43
jersey
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| n.运动衫 | |
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44
physically
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| adj.物质上，体格上，身体上，按自然规律 | |
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45
inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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46
civilisation
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| n.文明，文化，开化，教化 | |
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