Oh, dear, why had she ever come to this place!
It was when she had finished dressing6 and was sticking a few invisible hairpins7 into appropriate places that she realised that she could not go to Henrietta about the rosette without first going to Innes. She was not sure whether this was a remnant of some childish conception of “playing fair” or whether she was just trying to find a way of breaking the matter that would make her own personal responsibility less absolute.
She went to Innes’s door, quickly before the impulse to action should evaporate, and knocked. She had heard Innes come back from her bath and reckoned that by now she must be dressed.
The Innes who opened the door looked tired and heavy-eyed but composed. Now that she was face to face with her Lucy found it difficult to identify her with the Innes of her disturbed thoughts last night.
“Do you mind coming into my room for a moment?” she asked.
Innes hesitated, looked uncertain for a second, and then recovered herself. “Yes, of course,” she said; and followed Lucy.
“What a night of rain it was,” she said brightly.
It was unlike Innes to bother with remarks about the weather. And it was exceedingly unlike Innes to be bright.
Lucy took the little silver rosette out of her drawer and held it out on her palm for Innes to see.
“Do you know what that is?” she asked.
In a second the brightness had disappeared and Innes’s face was hard and wary8.
“Where did you get that?” she snapped.
It was only then that Lucy realised how, deep down, she had counted on Innes’s reaction being different. How, unconsciously, she had expected Innes to say: “It looks like something off a dancing pump; lots of us have them.” Her heart stopped thudding and sank into her stomach.
“I found it on the gymnasium floor very early yesterday morning,” she said.
The hard wariness9 melted into a slow despair.
“And why do you show it to me?” Innes said dully.
“Because I understand that there is only one pair of those old-fashioned pumps in College.”
There was silence. Lucy laid the little object down on the table and waited.
“Am I wrong?” she asked at last.
“No.”
There was another silence.
“You don’t understand, Miss Pym,” she said in a burst, “it wasn’t meant to be ——. I know you’ll think I’m just trying to white-wash it, but it was never meant to be — to be the way it turned out. It was because I was so sick about missing Arlinghurst — I practically lost my reason over that for a time — I behaved like an idiot. It got so that I couldn’t think of anything in the world but Arlinghurst. And this was just to be a way of — of letting me have a second chance at it. It was never meant to be more than that. You must believe that. You must ——”
“But of course I believe it. If I didn’t I don’t suppose I should be sharing the knowledge of this with you.” She indicated the rosette.
After a moment Innes said: “What are you going to do?”
“Oh, dear God, I don’t know,” said poor Lucy, helpless now that she was face to face with reality. All the crimes she had met with were in slick detective stories where the heroine, however questionable10, was invariably innocent, or in case-histories where the crime was safely over with and put away and a matter only for the scalpel. All those subjects of case-history record had had friends and relations whose stunned11 disbelief must have been very like her own, but the knowledge was neither comfort nor guide to her. This was the kind of thing that happened to other people — happened daily if one could believe the Press — but could not possibly happen to oneself.
How could one believe that someone one had laughed and talked with, liked and admired, shared a communal12 life with, could be responsible for another’s death?
She found herself beginning to tell Innes of her sleepless13 night, of her theories about “disposing,” of her reluctance14 to destroy half a dozen lives because of one person’s crime. She was too absorbed in her own problem to notice the dawning hope in Innes’s eyes. It was only when she heard herself saying: “Of course you cannot possibly be allowed to profit by Rouse’s death,” that she realised how far she had already come along the road that she had had no intention of travelling.
But Innes pounced15 on this. “Oh, but I won’t, Miss Pym. And it has nothing to do with your finding the little ornament16. I knew last night when I heard that she was dead that I couldn’t go to Arlinghurst. I was going to tell Miss Hodge this morning. I was awake too last night. Facing a lot of things. Not only my responsibility for Rouse’s death — my inability to take defeat and like it. But — oh, well, a lot of things that wouldn’t interest you.” She paused a moment, considering Lucy. “Look, Miss Pym, if I were to spend the rest of my life atoning17 for yesterday morning will you — would you —” She could not put so brazen18 a suggestion into words, even after Lucy’s dissertation19 on justice.
“Become an accessory after the fact?”
The cold legality of the phrase discouraged Innes.
“No. I suppose it is too much to expect anyone to do. But I would atone20, you know. It wouldn’t be any half-hearted affair. It would be my life for — hers. I would do it gladly.”
“I believe you, of course. But how do you plan to atone?”
“I thought of that last night. I began with leper colonies and things like that, but they were rather unreal and didn’t make much sense in connection with a Leys training. I have a better idea. I decided21 that I would work alongside my father. I hadn’t planned to do medical work, but I am good at it and there is no orthopaedic clinic in our home town.”
“It sounds admirable,” Lucy said, “but where is the penance22?”
“My one ambition since I was a little girl has been to get away from living in a little market town; coming to Leys was my passport to freedom.”
“I see.”
“Believe me, Miss Pym, it would be penance. But it wouldn’t be a barren one. It wouldn’t be just personal flagellation. I would be doing something useful with my life, something that would — would make it good value for exchange.”
“Yes, I see.”
There was another long silence.
The five-minute bell rang, but for the first time since she came to Leys Lucy was unconscious of a bell.
“Of course you have nothing but my word for it —”
“I would accept your word.”
“Thank you.”
It seemed too easy a way out, she was thinking. If Innes was to be punished, the living of a dull and useful life hardly seemed a sufficient exaction23. She had forfeited24 Arlinghurst of course; that would cost her something. But would it pay for a death?
What, in any case, would pay for a death? Except a death.
And Innes was offering what she obviously considered a living death. Perhaps after all it was not so poor an exchange.
What she, Lucy, was faced with was the fact that all her deliberations, her self-communing and comparing of arguments, fused at this moment into one single and simple issue: Was she going to condemn25 to death the girl who was standing26 in front of her?
It was, after all, as simple as that. If she took that little rosette to Henrietta this morning, Innes would die before the first students came back to Leys in the autumn. If she did not die she would spend her twenties in a living death that would indeed be “barren.”
Let her spend her years in the prison of her choice, where she could be useful to her fellows.
Certainly she, Lucy Pym, was quite unequal to the task of condemning27 her.
And that was that.
“I am entirely28 in your hands,” she said slowly to Innes, “because I am quite incapable29 of sending anyone to the gallows30. I know what my plain duty is and I can’t do it.” Odd, she thought, that I should be in her reverence31 rather than she in mine.
Innes stared at her, doubtfully.
“You mean ——” Her tongue came out and ran along her dry lips. “You mean that you won’t tell about the rosette?”
“No. I shall never tell anyone.”
Innes went suddenly white.
So white that Lucy realised that this was a phenomenon that she had read about but never seen. “White as a sheet,” they said. Well, it was perhaps an unbleached sheet but it certainly was “going white.”
Innes put her hand out to the chair by the dressing-table and sat down abruptly32. Seeing Lucy’s anxious expression she said: “It’s all right, I’m not going to faint. I’ve never fainted in my life. I’ll be all right in a minute.”
Lucy, who had been antagonised by her self-possession, her ready bargaining — Innes had been far too lucid33 on the subject, she felt — was seized with something like compunction. Innes had not after all been self-possessed. It had been the old story of emotion clamped down and taking a mean revenge when it found escape.
“Would you like a drink of water?” Lucy said, moving to the wash-basin.
“No, thank you, I’m all right. It’s just that for the last twenty-four hours I’ve been so afraid, and seeing that silver thing on your hand was the last straw, and then suddenly it is all over, you’ve let me buy a reprieve34, and — and ——”
Sobs35 came up in her throat and choked the words. Great rending36 sobs without a single tear. She put her hands over her mouth to stop them, but they burst through and she covered her face and struggled for composure. It was no use. She put both arms on the desk with her head between them and sobbed37 her heart out.
And Lucy, looking at her, thought: Another girl would have begun with this. Would have used it as a weapon, a bid for my sympathy. But not Innes. Innes comes self-contained and aloof38, offering hostages. Without the breakdown39 no one would have guessed that she was suffering. Her present abandonment was the measure of her previous torture.
The first low murmur40 of the gong began in a slow crescendo41.
Innes heard it and struggled to her feet. “If you’ll forgive me,” she said, “I’ll go and dash some cold water on myself. That will stop it.”
Lucy thought it remarkable42 that a girl so racked with sobs that she could hardly speak should prescribe for herself with such detachment; as if she were another person from this hysterical43 individual who had taken possession of her and was making such an exhibition of herself.
“Yes, do,” Lucy said.
Innes paused with her hand on the door-knob.
“Some day I’ll be able to thank you properly,” she said, and disappeared.
Lucy dropped the little silver rosette into her pocket and went down to breakfast.
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1
sodden
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| adj.浑身湿透的；v.使浸透；使呆头呆脑 | |
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2
demonstration
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| n.表明，示范，论证，示威 | |
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3
concessions
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| n.（尤指由政府或雇主给予的）特许权( concession的名词复数 )；承认；减价；（在某地的）特许经营权 | |
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4
feverish
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| adj.发烧的，狂热的，兴奋的 | |
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5
computing
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| n.计算 | |
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6
dressing
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| n.(食物)调料；包扎伤口的用品，敷料 | |
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7
hairpins
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| n.发夹( hairpin的名词复数 ) | |
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8
wary
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| adj.谨慎的，机警的，小心的 | |
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9
wariness
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| n. 注意,小心 | |
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10
questionable
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| adj.可疑的，有问题的 | |
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11
stunned
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| adj. 震惊的，惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
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12
communal
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| adj.公有的，公共的，公社的，公社制的 | |
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13
sleepless
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| adj.不睡眠的，睡不著的，不休息的 | |
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14
reluctance
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| n.厌恶，讨厌，勉强，不情愿 | |
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15
pounced
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| v.突然袭击( pounce的过去式和过去分词 )；猛扑；一眼看出；抓住机会（进行抨击） | |
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16
ornament
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| v.装饰，美化；n.装饰，装饰物 | |
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17
atoning
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| v.补偿，赎（罪）( atone的现在分词 )；补偿，弥补，赎回 | |
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18
brazen
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| adj.厚脸皮的，无耻的，坚硬的 | |
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19
dissertation
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| n.（博士学位）论文，学术演讲，专题论文 | |
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20
atone
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| v.赎罪，补偿 | |
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21
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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22
penance
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| n.（赎罪的）惩罪 | |
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23
exaction
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| n.强求，强征；杂税 | |
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24
forfeited
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| （因违反协议、犯规、受罚等）丧失，失去( forfeit的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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25
condemn
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| vt.谴责，指责；宣判(罪犯)，判刑 | |
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26
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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27
condemning
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| v.（通常因道义上的原因而）谴责( condemn的现在分词 )；宣判；宣布…不能使用；迫使…陷于不幸的境地 | |
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28
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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29
incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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30
gallows
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| n.绞刑架，绞台 | |
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31
reverence
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| n.敬畏，尊敬，尊严；Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称；v.尊敬，敬畏，崇敬 | |
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32
abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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33
lucid
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| adj.明白易懂的，清晰的，头脑清楚的 | |
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34
reprieve
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| n.暂缓执行（死刑）；v.缓期执行；给…带来缓解 | |
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35
sobs
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| 啜泣（声），呜咽（声）( sob的名词复数 ) | |
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36
rending
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| v.撕碎( rend的现在分词 )；分裂；（因愤怒、痛苦等而）揪扯（衣服或头发等）；（声音等）刺破 | |
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37
sobbed
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| 哭泣，啜泣( sob的过去式和过去分词 )； 哭诉，呜咽地说 | |
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38
aloof
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| adj.远离的；冷淡的，漠不关心的 | |
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39
breakdown
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| n.垮，衰竭；损坏，故障，倒塌 | |
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40
murmur
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| n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言 | |
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41
crescendo
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| n.(音乐)渐强，高潮 | |
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42
remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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43
hysterical
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| adj.情绪异常激动的，歇斯底里般的 | |
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