“I’ll go, of course!” I made up my mind as I hurried home, “I’ll go at once. Very likely I shall find her at home alone; whether she is alone or with some one else makes no difference: I can ask her to come out to me. She will receive me; she’ll be surprised, but she will receive me. And if she won’t see me I’ll insist on her seeing me, I’ll send in word that it’s most urgent. She will think it’s something about that letter and will see me. And I’ll find out all about Tatyana there . . . and what then? If I am not right I will be her servant, if I am right and she is to blame it’s the end of everything! In any case it’s the end of everything! What am I going to lose? I can lose nothing. I’ll go! I’ll go!”
I shall never forget and I recall with pride that I did NOT go! It will never be known to anyone, it will die with me, but it’s enough that I know of it and at such a moment I was capable of an honourable1 impulse.
“This is a temptation, and I will put it behind me,” I made up my mind at last, on second thoughts. They had tried to terrify me with a fact, but I refused to believe it, and had not lost my faith in her purity! And what had I to go for, what was there to find out about? Why was she bound to believe in me as I did in her, to have faith in my “purity,” not to be afraid of my “impulsiveness” and not to provide against all risks with Tatyana? I had not yet, as far as she could see, deserved her confidence. No matter, no matter that she does not know that I am worthy2 of it, that I am not seduced3 by “temptations,” that I do not believe in malicious4 calumnies5 against her; I know it and I shall respect myself for it. I shall respect my own feeling. Oh, yes, she had allowed me to utter everything before Tatyana, she had allowed Tatyana to be there, she knew that Tatyana was sitting there listening (for she was incapable6 of not listening); she knew that she was laughing at me out there — that was awful, awful! But . . . but what if it were impossible to avoid it? What could she have done in her position, and how could one blame her for it? Why, I had told her a lie about Kraft, I had deceived her because that, too, could not be helped, and I had lied innocently against my will. “My God!” I cried suddenly, flushing painfully, “what have I just done myself! Haven’t I exposed her, too, before Tatyana, haven’t I repeated it all to Versilov just now? Though, after all, there was a difference. It was only a question of the letter; I had in reality only told Versilov about the letter because there was nothing else to tell, and could be nothing else. Was not I the first to declare that “there could not be”? He was a man of insight. Hm! But what hatred8 there was in his heart for this woman even to this day! And what sort of drama must have taken place between them in the past, and about what? All due to vanity, of course!” VERSILOV CANNOT BE CAPABLE OF ANY FEELING BUT BOUNDLESS9 VANITY!”
That last thought rose spontaneously in my mind and I did not even remark it. Such were the thoughts that floated through my mind one after another, and I was straightforward10 with myself; I did not cheat or deceive myself; and if there was anything I did not understand at that moment, it was not from sophistry11 with myself but only from lack of brains.
I returned home in great excitement, and — I don’t know why — in a very cheerful, though confused state of mind. But I was afraid of analysing my feelings and did my utmost to distract my mind. I went in at once to see my landlady12: it turned out that a terrible quarrel really had taken place between her husband and her. She was in advanced consumption, and though, perhaps, she was a good-natured woman, like all consumptives she was of uncertain temper. I began trying to reconcile them at once; I went to the lodger13, who was a very vain little bank clerk, called, Tchervyak, a coarse pock-marked fool. I disliked him very much, but I got on with him quite well, for I often was so mean as to join him in turning Pyotr Ippolitovitch into ridicule14. I at once persuaded him to keep on the lodgings16, and indeed he would not in any case have really gone so far as to move. It ended in my reassuring17 the landlady completely, and even succeeding in very deftly18 putting a pillow under her head: “Pyotr Ippolitovitch would never have known how to do it,” she commented malignantly19. Then I busied myself in the kitchen preparing mustard plasters for her and succeeded in making two capital ones with my own hand. Poor Pyotr Ippolitovitch looked on envious20, but I did not allow him to touch them, and was rewarded by liberal tears of gratitude21 from the lady. I remember I suddenly felt sick of it all, and suddenly realized that I was not looking after the invalid22 from kindness at all, but from something else, some very different motive23.
I waited for Matvey with nervous impatience24: I had resolved that evening to try my luck at cards for the last time and . . . and, apart from my need to win, I had an intense longing25 to play; but for that, my excitement would have been unbearable26. If I had not gone anywhere I might have been unable to hold out and should have gone to her. It was almost time for Matvey to come, when the door was opened and an unexpected visitor, Darya Onisimovna, walked in. I frowned and was surprised. She knew my lodging15, for she had been there once with some message from my mother. I made her sit down and looked at her inquiringly. She said nothing, and only looked straight into my face with a deferential27 smile.
“You’ve not come from Liza?” it occurred to me to ask.
“No, it’s nothing special.”
I informed her that I was just going out; she replied again that it was “nothing special,” and that she was going herself in a minute. I suddenly for some reason felt sorry for her. I may observe that she had met with a great deal of sympathy from all of us, from my mother, and still more from Tatyana Pavlovna, but after installing her at Mme. Stolbyeev’s all of us had rather begun to forget her, except perhaps Liza, who often visited her. I think she was herself the cause of this neglect, for she had a special faculty28 for effacing29 herself and holding herself aloof30 from people in spite of her obsequiousness31 and her ingratiating smiles. I personally disliked those smiles of hers, and her affected32 expression, and I even imagined on one occasion that she had not grieved very long for her Olya. But this time for some reason I felt very sorry for her.
And behold33, without uttering a word, she suddenly bent34 forward with her eyes cast down, and all at once, throwing her arms round my waist, hid her face on my knees. She seized my hand, I thought she meant to kiss it, but she pressed it to her eyes, and hot tears trickled35 upon it. She was shaking all over with sobs36, but she wept silently. It sent a pang37 to my heart, even though I felt at the same time somehow annoyed. But she was embracing me with perfect confidence and without the least fear that I might be vexed38, though only just before she had smiled so timidly and cringingly.
I began begging her to calm herself.
“Kind, good friend, I don’t know what to do with myself. As soon as it gets dark, I can’t bear it; as soon as it gets dark I can’t go on bearing it, and I feel drawn39 into the street, into the darkness. And I am drawn there by my imaginings. My mind is possessed40 by the fancy that as soon as ever I go out I shall meet her in the street. I walk and seem to see her. That is other girls are walking along the street and I walk behind them on purpose, and I think: ‘Isn’t it she, there she is,’ I think, ‘it really is my Olya!’ I dream and dream. I turn giddy at last, and feel sick, and stumble and jostle against people; I stumble as though I were drunk and some swear at me; I hide by myself and don’t go to see anyone, and wherever one goes, it makes one’s heart more sick; I passed by your lodging just now, and thought: ‘I’ll go in to him; he is kinder than any of them, and he was there at the time.’ Forgive a poor creature who’s no use to anyone; I’ll go away directly; I’m going . . . .”
She suddenly got up and made haste to depart. Matvey arrived just then; I made her get into the sledge41 with me, and left her at Mme. Stolbyeev’s on my way.
2
I had of late begun to frequent Zerstchikov’s gambling42 saloon. I had so far visited three gambling houses, always in company with Prince Sergay, who had introduced me to these places. At one of these houses the game was faro especially, and the stakes were high. But I did not care for going there: I saw that one could not get on there without a long purse, and also that the place was crowded with insolent43 fellows and swaggering young snobs44. This was what Prince Sergay liked; he liked playing, too, but he particularly liked getting to know these young prodigals45. I noticed that though he went in with me he kept away from me during the evening and did not introduce me to any of “his set.” I stared about me like a wild man of the woods, so much so that I sometimes attracted attention. At the gambling table people spoke46 to one another freely; but once I tried bowing next day to a young fop, with whom I had not only talked but laughed the previous evening, sitting beside him, and had even guessed two cards from him. Yet when I greeted him in the same room next day, he actually did not recognize me. Or what was worse, stared at me with simulated amazement47, and passed by with a smile. So I quickly gave up the place and preferred to visit a “sewer”— I don’t know what else to call it — it was a wretched sordid48 little place for roulette, managed by a kept woman, who, however, never showed herself in the saloon. It was all horribly free and easy there, and though officers and wealthy merchants sometimes frequented it, there was a squalid filthiness50 about the place, though that was an attraction to many. Moreover, I was often lucky there. But I gave that place up, too, after a disgusting scene, which occurred when the game was at its hottest and ended in a fight between two players. I began going instead to Zerstchikov’s, to which Prince Sergay took me also. The man was a retired51 captain, and the tone at his rooms was very tolerable, military, curt52, and businesslike, and there was a fastidiously scrupulous53 keeping up of the forms of punctilio. No boisterous54 practical jokers or very fast men frequented it. Moreover, the stakes played for were often considerable. Both faro and roulette were played. I had only been there twice before that evening, the 15th of November, but I believe Zerstchikov already knew me by sight; I had made no acquaintances there, however. As luck would have it Prince Sergay did not turn up till about midnight, when he dropped in with Darzan after spending the evening at the gambling saloon of the young snobs which I had given up; and so that evening I found myself alone and unknown in a crowd of strangers.
If I had a reader and he had read all I have written so far of my adventures, there would be certainly no need to inform him that I am not created for any sort of society. The trouble is I don’t know how to behave in company. If I go anywhere among a great many people I always have a feeling as though I were being electrified55 by so many eyes looking at me. It positively56 makes me shrivel up, physically57 shrivel up, even in such places as a theatre, to say nothing of private houses. I did not know how to behave with dignity in these gambling saloons and assemblies; I either sat still, inwardly upbraiding58 myself for my excessive mildness and politeness, or I suddenly got up and did something rude. And meanwhile all sorts of worthless fellows far inferior to me knew how to behave with wonderful aplomb59 — and that’s what exasperated60 me above everything, so that I lost my self-possession more and more. I may say frankly61, even at that time, if the truth is to be told, the society there, and even winning money at cards, had become revolting and a torture to me. Positively a torture. I did, of course, derive62 acute enjoyment63 from it, but this enjoyment was at the cost of torture: the whole thing, the people, the gambling, and, most of all, myself in the midst of them, seemed horribly nasty. “As soon as I win I’ll chuck it all up!” I said to myself every time when I woke up in my lodgings in the morning after gambling over night. Then, again, how account for my desire to win, since I certainly was not fond of money? Not that I am going to repeat the hackneyed phrases usual in such explanations, that I played for the sake of the game, for the pleasure of it, for the risk, the excitement and so on, and not for gain. I was horribly in need of money, and though this was not my chosen path, not my idea, yet somehow or other I had made up my mind to try it by way of experiment. I was continually possessed by one overwhelming thought: “You maintained that one could reckon with certainty on becoming a millionaire if only one had sufficient strength of will; you’ve tested your strength of will already; so show yourself as strong in this case: can more strength of will be needed for roulette than for your idea?” that is what I kept repeating to myself. And as I still retain the conviction, that in games of chance, if one has perfect control of one’s will, so that the subtlety64 of one’s intelligence and one’s power of calculation are preserved, one cannot fail to overcome the brutality65 of blind chance and to win, I naturally could not help growing more and more irritated when at every moment I failed to preserve my strength of will and was carried away by excitement, like a regular child. “Though I was able to endure hunger, I am not able to control myself in an absurd thing like this!” that was what provoked me. Moreover, the consciousness that however absurd and abject66 I might seem, I had within me a rich store of strength which would one day make them all change their opinion of me, that consciousness has been from the days of my oppressed childhood the one spring of life for me, my light, my dignity, my weapon and my consolation67, without which I might have committed suicide as a little child. And so how could I help being irritated when I saw what a pitiful creature I became at the gambling table? That is why I could not give up playing! I see it all clearly now. This was the chief reason, but apart from that my petty vanity was wounded. Losing had lowered me in the eyes of Prince Sergay, of Versilov, though he did not deign68 to speak of it, of every one, even of Tatyana Pavlovna; that is what I thought, I felt. Finally, I will make another confession69! By that time I had begun to be corrupted70: it had become hard for me to give up a dinner of seven dishes at the restaurant, to give up Matvey, and the English shop, to lose the good opinion of my hairdresser, and all that, in fact. I was conscious of it even at the time, but I refused to admit the thought; now I blush to write it.
3
Finding myself alone in a crowd of strangers, I established myself at first at a corner of the table and began staking small sums. I remained sitting there without stirring for two hours. For those two hours the play was horribly flat — neither one thing nor another. I let slip some wonderful chances and tried not to lose my temper, but to preserve my coolness and confidence. At the end of the two hours I had neither lost nor won. Out of my three hundred roubles I had lost ten or fifteen roubles. This trivial result exasperated me, and what’s more an exceedingly unpleasant, disgusting incident occurred. I know that such gambling saloons are frequented by thieves, who are not simply pickpockets71 out of the street but well-known gamblers. I am certain that the well-known gambler Aferdov is a thief; he is still to be seen about the town; I met him not long ago driving a pair of his own ponies72, but he is a thief and he stole from me. But this incident I will describe later; what happened this evening was simply a prelude73.
I spent there two hours sitting at a corner of the table, and beside me, on the left, there was all the time an abominable74 little dandy, a Jew I believe; he is on some paper though, and even writes something and gets it published. At the very last moment I suddenly won twenty roubles. Two red notes lay before me, and suddenly I saw this wretched little Jew put out his hand and remove one of my notes. I tried to stop him; but with a most impudent75 air he immediately informed me, without raising his voice in the least, that it was what he had won, that he had just put down a stake and won it; he declined to continue the conversation and turned away. As ill-luck would have it, I was in a state of extreme stupidity at that moment: I was brooding over a great idea, and with a curse I got up quickly and walked away; I did not want to dispute, so made him a present of the red note. And indeed it would have been difficult to go into the matter with an impudent thief, for I had let slip the right moment, and the game was going on again. And that was my great mistake, the effect of which was apparent later on: three or four players near us saw how the matter ended, and noticing how easily I had given way, took me for another of the same sort.
It was just twelve o’clock; I walked into the other room, and after a little reflection formed a new plan. Going back I changed my notes at the bank for half imperials. I received over forty of them. I divided them into ten lots, and resolved to stake four half imperials ten times running on the zero. “If I win it’s my luck. If I lose, so much the better, I’ll never play again.” I may mention that zero had not turned up once during those two hours, so that at last no one was staking on zero.
I put down my stakes standing76, silent, frowning and clenching77 my teeth. At the third round, Zerstchikov called aloud zero, which had not turned up all day. A hundred and forty half imperials were counted out to me in gold. I had seven chances left and I went on, though everything seemed whirling round, and dancing before my eyes.
“Come here!” I shouted right across the table to a player beside whom I had been sitting before, a grey-headed man with a moustache, and a purple face, wearing evening dress, who had been for some hours staking small sums with ineffable78 patience and losing stake after stake: “come this end! There’s luck here!”
“Are you speaking to me?” the moustached gentleman shouted from the other end of the table, with a note of menacing surprise in his voice.
“Yes, you! You’ll go on losing for ever there!”
“That’s not your business, please not to interfere79!”
But I could not restrain myself. An elderly officer was sitting facing me at the other side of the table. Looking at my stake he muttered to his neighbour:
“That’s queer, zero. No, I won’t venture on zero.”
“Do, colonel!” I shouted laying down another stake.
“Kindly leave me alone, and don’t force your advice upon me,” he rapped out sharply. “You are making too much noise!”
“I am giving you good advice; would you like to bet on zero’s turning up directly: ten gold pieces, I’ll bet that, will you take it?”
And I laid down ten half imperials.
“A bet of ten gold pieces! That I can do,” he brought out drily and severely80. “I’ll bet against you that zero won’t turn up.”
“Ten louis d’or, colonel.”
“What do you mean by ten louis d’or?”
“Ten half imperials, colonel, and, in grand language, ten louis d’or.”
“Well, then, say they are half imperials, and please don’t joke with me.”
I did not of course hope to win the bet; there were thirty-six chances against one that zero would not turn up again; but I proposed it out of swagger, and because I wanted to attract every one’s attention. I quite saw that for some reason nobody here liked me, and that they all would have taken particular pleasure in letting me know it. The roulette wheel was sent spinning — and what was the general amazement when it stopped at zero again! There was actually a general shout. The glory of my success dazed me completely. Again a hundred and forty half imperials were counted out to me. Zerstchikov asked me if I would not like to take part of them in notes, but I mumbled81 something inarticulate in reply, for I was literally82 incapable of expressing myself in a calm and definite way. My head was going round and my legs felt weak. I suddenly felt that I would take a fearful risk at once; moreover, I had a longing to do something more, to make another bet, to carry off some thousands from some one. Mechanically I scooped83 up my notes and gold in the hollow of my hand, and could not collect myself to count them. At that moment I noticed Prince Sergay and Darzan behind me: they had only just come from their faro saloon, where as I heard afterwards they had lost their last farthing.
“Ah! Darzan,” I cried “There’s luck here! Stake on zero!”
“I’ve been losing, I’ve no money,” he answered drily; Prince Sergay actually appeared not to notice or recognize me.
“Here’s money,” I cried pointing to my heap of gold. “As much as you like.”
“Hang it all!” cried Darzan, flushing crimson84; “I didn’t ask you for money, I believe.”
“You are being called,” said Zerstchikov pulling my arm.
The colonel who had lost ten half imperials to me had called to me several times almost abusingly.
“Kindly take this!” he shouted, purple with rage. “It’s not for me to stand over you, but if I don’t you’ll be saying afterwards you haven’t had the money. Count it.”
“I trust you, I trust you, colonel, without counting; only please don’t shout at me like that and don’t be angry,” and I drew his heap of gold towards me.
“Sir, I beg you to keep your transports for some one else and not to force them on me,” the colonel rasped out. “I’ve never fed pigs with you!”
“It’s queer to admit such people”—“Who is he?”—“Only a lad,” I heard exclamations85 in undertones.
But I did not listen, I was staking at random86, not on zero this time. I staked a whole heap of hundred rouble notes on the first eighteen numbers.
“Let’s go, Darzan,” I heard Prince Sergay’s voice behind me.
“Home?” I asked, turning round to them. “Wait for me: we’ll go together, I’ve had enough.”
My stake won, I had gained a big sum. “Enough!” I cried, and without counting the money I began with trembling hands, gathering87 up the gold and dropping it into my pockets, and clumsily crumpling88 the notes in my fingers, and trying to stuff them all at once into my side pocket. Suddenly Aferdov, who was sitting next to me on the right and had been playing for high stakes, laid a fat hand with a ring on the first finger over three of my hundred-rouble notes.
“Excuse me that’s not yours,” he brought out sternly and incisively89, though he spoke rather softly.
This was the prelude, which was destined90 a few days afterwards to have such a serious sequel. Now I swear on my honour those three notes were mine, but to my misfortune, at the time, though I was convinced they were mine I still had the fraction of a doubt, and for an honest man, that is enough; and I am an honest man. What made all the difference was that I did not know at the time that Aferdov was a thief: I did not even know his name then, so that at that moment I might very well imagine I had made a mistake, and that those three notes were really not in the heap that had just been paid me. I had not counted my gains at all, I had simply gathered up the heaps with my hands, and there had been money lying in front of Aferdov too, and quite close to mine, but in neat heaps and counted. Above all Aferdov was known here and looked upon as a wealthy man; he was treated with respect: all this had an influence on me and again I did not protest. A terrible mistake! The whole beastly incident was the result of my enthusiasm.
“I am awfully91 sorry, I don’t remember for certain; but I really think they are mine,” I brought out with lips trembling with indignation. These words at once aroused a murmur92.
“To say things like that, you ought to REMEMBER for certain, but you’ve graciously announced yourself that you DON’T remember for certain,” Aferdov observed with insufferable superciliousness93.
“Who is he?”—“It can’t be allowed!” I heard several exclamations.
“That’s not the first time he has done it; there was the same little game over a ten-rouble note with Rechberg just now,” a mean little voice said somewhere near.
“That’s enough! that’s enough!” I exclaimed, “I am not protesting, take it . . . where’s Prince . . . where are Prince Sokolsky and Darzan? Have they gone? Gentlemen, did you see which way Prince Sokolsky and Darzan went?” And gathering up all my money at last, I could not succeed in getting some of the half imperials into my pocket, and holding them in my hands I rushed to overtake Prince Sergay and Darzan. The reader will see, I think, that I don’t spare myself, and am recording94 at this moment what I was then, and all my nastiness, so as to explain the possibility of what followed.
Prince Sergay and Darzan were going downstairs, without taking the slightest notice of my shouts, and calls to them. I had overtaken them, but I stopped for a moment before the hall-porter, and, goodness knows why, thrust three half imperials into his hand; he gazed at me in amazement and did not even thank me. But that was nothing to me, and if Matvey had been there I should probably have pressed handfuls of gold upon him; and so indeed I believe I meant to do, but as I ran out on the steps, I suddenly remembered that I had let him go home when I arrived. At that moment Prince Sergay’s horse came up, and he got into his sledge.
“I am coming with you, prince, and to your flat!” I cried, clutching the fur cover and throwing it open, to get into the empty seat; but all at once Darzan skipped past me into the sledge, and the coachman snatched the fur cover out of my hands, and tucked it round them.
“Damn it all!” I cried dumbfoundered; it looked as though I had unbuttoned the cover for Darzan’s benefit, like a flunkey.
“Home!” shouted Prince Sergay.
“Stop!” I roared, clutching at the sledge, but the horse started, and I was sent rolling in the snow. I even fancied they were laughing. Jumping up I took the first sledge I came across, and dashed after Prince Sergay, urging on the wretched nag49 at every second.
4
As ill-luck would have it, the wretched beast crawled along with unnatural95 slowness, though I promised the driver a whole rouble. The driver did nothing but lash96 the beast to earn his rouble. My heart was sinking: I began trying to talk to the driver, but I could not even articulate my words, and I muttered something incoherent. This was my condition when I ran up to Prince Sergay’s! He had only just come back; he had left Darzan on the way, and was alone. Pale and ill-humoured, he was pacing up and down his study. I repeat again he had lost heavily that evening. He looked at me with a sort of preoccupied97 wonder.
“You again!” he brought out frowning.
“To settle up with you for good, sir!” I said breathlessly. “How dared you treat me like that!”
He looked at me inquiringly.
“If you meant to drive with Darzan you might have answered that you were going with him, but you started your horse, and I . . . .”
“Oh yes, you tumbled into the snow,” he said and laughed into my face.
“An insult like that can be only answered with a challenge, so to begin with we’ll settle accounts . . . .”
And with a trembling hand I began pulling out my money and laying it on the sofa, on the marble table, and even on an open book, in heaps, in handfuls, and in rolls of notes; several coins rolled on the carpet.
“Oh, yes, you’ve won, it seems? . . . One can tell that from your tone.”
He had never spoken to me so insolently98 before. I was very pale.
“Here . . . I don’t know how much . . . it must be counted. I owe you three thousand . . . or how much? . . . More or less?”
“I am not pressing you to pay, I believe.”
“No, it’s I want to pay, and you ought to know why. I know that in that roll there’s a thousand roubles, here!” And I began with trembling fingers to count the money, but gave it up. “It doesn’t matter, I know it’s a thousand. Well, that thousand I will keep for myself, but all the rest, all these heaps, take for what I owe you, for part of what I owe you: I think there’s as much as two thousand or may be more!”
“But you are keeping a thousand for yourself then?” said Prince Sergay with a grin.
“Do you want it? In that case . . . I was meaning . . . I was thinking you didn’t wish it . . . but if you want it here it is . . . .”
“No, you need not,” he said turning away from me contemptuously, and beginning to pace up and down again.
“And what the devil’s put it into your head to want to pay it back?” he said, turning to me suddenly, with a horrible challenge in his face.
“I’m paying it back to be free to insist on your giving me satisfaction!” I vociferated.
“Go to the devil with your everlasting99 words and gesticulations!” he stamped at me suddenly, as though in a frenzy100. “I have been wanting to get rid of you both for ages; you and your Versilov.”
“You’ve gone out of your mind!” I shouted and indeed it did look like it.
“You’ve worried me to death with your high-sounding phrases, and never anything but phrases, phrases, phrases! Of honour for instance! Tfoo! I’ve been wanting to have done with you for a long time. . . . I am glad, glad, that the minute has come. I considered myself bound, and blushed that I was forced to receive you . . . both! But now I don’t consider myself bound in any way, in any way, let me tell you! Your Versilov induced me to attack Madame Ahmakov and to cast aspersions on her. . . . Don’t dare to talk of honour to me after that. For you are dishonourable people . . . both of you, both of you; I wonder you weren’t ashamed to take my money!”
There was a darkness before my eyes.
“I borrowed from you as a comrade,” I began, speaking with a dreadful quietness. “You offered it me yourself, and I believed in your affection . . . .”
“I am not your comrade! That’s not why I have given you money, you know why it is.”
“I borrowed on account of what you owed Versilov; of course it was stupid, but I . . .”
“You could not borrow on Versilov’s account without his permission . . . and I could not have given you his money without his permission. I gave you my own money, and you knew it; knew it and took it; and I allowed this hateful farce101 to go on in my house!”
“What did I know? What farce! Why did you give it to me?”
“Pour vos beaux yeux, mon cousin!” he said, laughing straight in my face.
“Go to hell!” I cried. “Take it all, here’s the other thousand too! Now we are quits, and to-morrow . . . .”
And I flung at him the roll of hundred rouble notes I had meant to keep to live upon. The notes hit him in the waistcoat and flopped102 on the floor.
With three rapid strides he stepped close up to me:
“Do you dare to tell me,” he said savagely103 articulating his words as it were syllable104 by syllable; “that all this time you’ve been taking my money you did not know your sister was with child by me?”
“What! what!” I screamed, and suddenly my legs gave way under me and I sank helplessly on the sofa. He told me himself afterwards that I literally turned as white as a handkerchief. I was stunned105. I remember we still stared into each other’s faces in silence. A look of dismay passed over his face; he suddenly bent down, took me by the shoulder and began supporting me. I distinctly remember his set smile, in which there was incredulity and wonder. Yes, he had never dreamed of his words having such an effect, for he was absolutely convinced of my knowledge.
It ended in my fainting, but only for a moment: I came to myself; I got on my feet, gazed at him and reflected — and suddenly the whole truth dawned upon my mind which had been so slow to awaken106! If some one had told me of it before and asked me what I should have done at such a moment, I should no doubt have answered that I should have torn him in pieces. But what happened was quite different and quite independent of my will: I suddenly covered my face with both hands and began sobbing107 bitterly. It happened of itself. All at once the child came out again in the young man. It seemed that fully7 half of my soul was still a child’s. I fell on the sofa and sobbed108 out, “Liza! Liza! Poor unhappy girl!” Prince Sergay was completely convinced all at once.
“Good God, how unjust I’ve been to you!” he cried in deep distress109. “How abominably110 I’ve misjudged you in my suspiciousness. . . . Forgive me, Arkady Makarovitch!”
I suddenly jumped up, tried to say something to him, stood facing him, but said nothing, and ran out of the room and out of the flat. I dragged myself home on foot, and don’t know how I got there. I threw myself on the bed in the dark, buried my face in the pillow and thought and thought. At such moments orderly and consecutive111 thought is never possible; my brain and imagination seemed torn to shreds112, and I remember I began dreaming about something utterly113 irrelevant114, I don’t know what. My grief and trouble came back to my mind suddenly with an ache of anguish115, and I wrung116 my hands again and exclaimed: “Liza, Liza!” and began crying again. I don’t remember how I fell asleep, but I slept sweetly and soundly.
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1
honourable
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| adj.可敬的；荣誉的，光荣的 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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seduced
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| 诱奸( seduce的过去式和过去分词 )； 勾引； 诱使堕落； 使入迷 | |
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malicious
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| adj.有恶意的，心怀恶意的 | |
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calumnies
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| n.诬蔑，诽谤，中伤（的话）( calumny的名词复数 ) | |
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incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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boundless
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| adj.无限的；无边无际的；巨大的 | |
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straightforward
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| adj.正直的，坦率的；易懂的，简单的 | |
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sophistry
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| n.诡辩 | |
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landlady
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| n.女房东，女地主 | |
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lodger
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| n.寄宿人，房客 | |
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ridicule
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| v.讥讽，挖苦；n.嘲弄 | |
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lodging
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| n.寄宿，住所；(大学生的)校外宿舍 | |
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lodgings
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| n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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reassuring
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| a.使人消除恐惧和疑虑的，使人放心的 | |
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deftly
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| adv.灵巧地，熟练地，敏捷地 | |
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19
malignantly
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| 怀恶意地； 恶毒地； 有害地； 恶性地 | |
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envious
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| adj.嫉妒的，羡慕的 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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invalid
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| n.病人，伤残人；adj.有病的，伤残的；无效的 | |
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motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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unbearable
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| adj.不能容忍的；忍受不住的 | |
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deferential
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| adj. 敬意的，恭敬的 | |
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faculty
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| n.才能；学院，系；(学院或系的)全体教学人员 | |
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29
effacing
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| 谦逊的 | |
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aloof
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| adj.远离的；冷淡的，漠不关心的 | |
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obsequiousness
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| 媚骨 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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trickled
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| v.滴( trickle的过去式和过去分词 )；淌；使)慢慢走；缓慢移动 | |
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sobs
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| 啜泣（声），呜咽（声）( sob的名词复数 ) | |
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pang
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| n.剧痛，悲痛，苦闷 | |
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38
vexed
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| adj.争论不休的；（指问题等）棘手的；争论不休的问题；烦恼的v.使烦恼( vex的过去式和过去分词 )；使苦恼；使生气；详细讨论 | |
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39
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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sledge
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| n.雪橇，大锤；v.用雪橇搬运，坐雪橇往 | |
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42
gambling
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| n.赌博；投机 | |
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43
insolent
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| adj.傲慢的，无理的 | |
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44
snobs
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| （谄上傲下的）势利小人( snob的名词复数 )； 自高自大者，自命不凡者 | |
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45
prodigals
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| n.浪费的( prodigal的名词复数 )；铺张的；挥霍的；慷慨的 | |
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46
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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47
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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48
sordid
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| adj.肮脏的，不干净的，卑鄙的，暗淡的 | |
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49
nag
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| v.(对…)不停地唠叨；n.爱唠叨的人 | |
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50
filthiness
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51
retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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52
curt
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| adj.简短的，草率的 | |
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53
scrupulous
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| adj.审慎的，小心翼翼的，完全的，纯粹的 | |
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54
boisterous
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| adj.喧闹的，欢闹的 | |
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55
electrified
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| v.使电气化( electrify的过去式和过去分词 )；使兴奋 | |
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56
positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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57
physically
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| adj.物质上，体格上，身体上，按自然规律 | |
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58
upbraiding
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| adj.& n.谴责（的）v.责备，申斥，谴责( upbraid的现在分词 ) | |
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59
aplomb
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| n.沉着，镇静 | |
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60
exasperated
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| adj.恼怒的 | |
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61
frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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62
derive
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| v.取得；导出；引申；来自；源自；出自 | |
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63
enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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64
subtlety
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| n.微妙，敏锐，精巧；微妙之处，细微的区别 | |
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65
brutality
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| n.野蛮的行为，残忍，野蛮 | |
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66
abject
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| adj.极可怜的，卑屈的 | |
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67
consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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68
deign
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| v. 屈尊, 惠允 ( 做某事) | |
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69
confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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70
corrupted
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| （使）败坏( corrupt的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）腐化； 引起（计算机文件等的）错误； 破坏 | |
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71
pickpockets
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| n.扒手( pickpocket的名词复数 ) | |
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72
ponies
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| 矮种马，小型马( pony的名词复数 )； ￡25 25 英镑 | |
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73
prelude
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| n.序言，前兆，序曲 | |
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74
abominable
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| adj.可厌的，令人憎恶的 | |
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75
impudent
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| adj.鲁莽的，卑鄙的，厚颜无耻的 | |
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76
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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clenching
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| v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的现在分词 ) | |
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78
ineffable
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| adj.无法表达的，不可言喻的 | |
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79
interfere
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| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
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80
severely
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| adv.严格地；严厉地；非常恶劣地 | |
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81
mumbled
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| 含糊地说某事，叽咕，咕哝( mumble的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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82
literally
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| adv.照字面意义，逐字地；确实 | |
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83
scooped
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| v.抢先报道( scoop的过去式和过去分词 )；（敏捷地）抱起；抢先获得；用铲[勺]等挖（洞等） | |
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84
crimson
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| n./adj.深(绯)红色(的)；vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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85
exclamations
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| n.呼喊( exclamation的名词复数 )；感叹；感叹语；感叹词 | |
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86
random
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| adj.随机的；任意的；n.偶然的(或随便的)行动 | |
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87
gathering
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| n.集会，聚会，聚集 | |
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88
crumpling
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| 压皱，弄皱( crumple的现在分词 )； 变皱 | |
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89
incisively
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| adv.敏锐地，激烈地 | |
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90
destined
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| adj.命中注定的；(for)以…为目的地的 | |
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91
awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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92
murmur
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| n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言 | |
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93
superciliousness
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| n.高傲，傲慢 | |
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recording
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| n.录音，记录 | |
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95
unnatural
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| adj.不自然的；反常的 | |
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96
lash
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| v.系牢；鞭打；猛烈抨击；n.鞭打；眼睫毛 | |
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97
preoccupied
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| adj.全神贯注的，入神的；被抢先占有的；心事重重的v.占据（某人）思想，使对…全神贯注，使专心于( preoccupy的过去式) | |
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98
insolently
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| adv.自豪地，自傲地 | |
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99
everlasting
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| adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的 | |
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100
frenzy
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| n.疯狂，狂热，极度的激动 | |
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101
farce
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| n.闹剧，笑剧，滑稽戏；胡闹 | |
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102
flopped
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| v.（指书、戏剧等）彻底失败( flop的过去式和过去分词 )；（因疲惫而）猛然坐下；（笨拙地、不由自主地或松弛地）移动或落下；砸锅 | |
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103
savagely
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| adv. 野蛮地，残酷地 | |
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104
syllable
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| n.音节；vt.分音节 | |
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105
stunned
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| adj. 震惊的，惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
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106
awaken
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| vi.醒，觉醒；vt.唤醒，使觉醒，唤起，激起 | |
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107
sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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108
sobbed
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| 哭泣，啜泣( sob的过去式和过去分词 )； 哭诉，呜咽地说 | |
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109
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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110
abominably
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| adv. 可恶地，可恨地，恶劣地 | |
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111
consecutive
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| adj.连续的，联贯的，始终一贯的 | |
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112
shreds
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| v.撕碎，切碎( shred的第三人称单数 )；用撕毁机撕毁（文件） | |
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113
utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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114
irrelevant
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| adj.不恰当的，无关系的，不相干的 | |
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115
anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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116
wrung
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| 绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 )； 握紧（尤指别人的手）； 把（湿衣服）拧干； 绞掉（水） | |
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