Our Vestry is a deliberative assembly of the utmost dignity and importance. Like the Senate of ancient Rome, its awful gravity overpowers (or ought to overpower) barbarian4 visitors. It sits in the Capitol (we mean in the capital building erected5 for it), chiefly on Saturdays, and shakes the earth to its centre with the echoes of its thundering eloquence6, in a Sunday paper.
To get into this Vestry in the eminent7 capacity of Vestryman, gigantic efforts are made, and Herculean exertions8 used. It is made manifest to the dullest capacity at every election, that if we reject Snozzle we are done for, and that if we fail to bring in Blunderbooze at the top of the poll, we are unworthy of the dearest rights of Britons. Flaming placards are rife9 on all the dead walls in the borough, public-houses hang out banners, hackney-cabs burst into full-grown flowers of type, and everybody is, or should be, in a paroxysm of anxiety.
At these momentous10 crises of the national fate, we are much assisted in our deliberations by two eminent volunteers; one of whom subscribes11 himself A Fellow Parishioner, the other, A Rate-Payer. Who they are, or what they are, or where they are, nobody knows; but, whatever one asserts, the other contradicts. They are both voluminous writers, indicting12 more epistles than Lord Chesterfield in a single week; and the greater part of their feelings are too big for utterance13 in anything less than capital letters. They require the additional aid of whole rows of notes of admiration14, like balloons, to point their generous indignation; and they sometimes communicate a crushing severity to stars. As thus:
MEN OF MOONEYMOUNT.
Is it, or is it not, a * * * to saddle the parish with a debt of 2,745 pounds 6S. 9D., yet claim to be a RIGID15 ECONOMIST16?
Is it, or is it not, a * * * to state as a fact what is proved to be BOTH A MORAL AND A PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY?
Is it, or is it not, a * * * to call 2,745 pounds 6S. 9D. nothing; and nothing, something?
Do you, or do you NOT want a * * * TO REPRESENT YOU IN THE VESTRY?
Your consideration of these questions is recommended to you by
A FELLOW PARISHIONER.
It was to this important public document that one of our first orators18, MR. MAGG (of Little Winkling Street), adverted19, when he opened the great debate of the fourteenth of November by saying, ‘Sir, I hold in my hand an anonymous20 slander’ — and when the interruption, with which he was at that point assailed21 by the opposite faction22, gave rise to that memorable23 discussion on a point of order which will ever be remembered with interest by constitutional assemblies. In the animated24 debate to which we refer, no fewer than thirty-seven gentlemen, many of them of great eminence25, including MR. WIGSBY (of Chumbledon Square), were seen upon their legs at one time; and it was on the same great occasion that DOGGINSON— regarded in our Vestry as ‘a regular John Bull:’ we believe, in consequence of his having always made up his mind on every subject without knowing anything about it — informed another gentleman of similar principles on the opposite side, that if he ‘cheek’d him,’ he would resort to the extreme measure of knocking his blessed head off.
This was a great occasion. But, our Vestry shines habitually26. In asserting its own pre-eminence, for instance, it is very strong. On the least provocation27, or on none, it will be clamorous28 to know whether it is to be ‘dictated to,’ or ‘trampled on,’ or ‘ridden over rough-shod.’ Its great watchword is Self-government. That is to say, supposing our Vestry to favour any little harmless disorder29 like Typhus Fever, and supposing the Government of the country to be, by any accident, in such ridiculous hands, as that any of its authorities should consider it a duty to object to Typhus Fever — obviously an unconstitutional objection — then, our Vestry cuts in with a terrible manifesto30 about Self-government, and claims its independent right to have as much Typhus Fever as pleases itself. Some absurd and dangerous persons have represented, on the other hand, that though our Vestry may be able to ‘beat the bounds’ of its own parish, it may not be able to beat the bounds of its own diseases; which (say they) spread over the whole land, in an ever expanding circle of waste, and misery31, and death, and widowhood, and orphanage32, and desolation. But, our Vestry makes short work of any such fellows as these.
It was our Vestry — pink of Vestries as it is — that in support of its favourite principle took the celebrated33 ground of denying the existence of the last pestilence34 that raged in England, when the pestilence was raging at the Vestry doors. Dogginson said it was plums; Mr. Wigsby (of Chumbledon Square) said it was oysters35; Mr. Magg (of Little Winkling Street) said, amid great cheering, it was the newspapers. The noble indignation of our Vestry with that un-English institution the Board of Health, under those circumstances, yields one of the finest passages in its history. It wouldn’t hear of rescue. Like Mr. Joseph Miller’s Frenchman, it would be drowned and nobody should save it. Transported beyond grammar by its kindled36 ire, it spoke37 in unknown tongues, and vented38 unintelligible39 bellowings, more like an ancient oracle40 than the modern oracle it is admitted on all hands to be. Rare exigencies41 produce rare things; and even our Vestry, new hatched to the woful time, came forth42 a greater goose than ever.
But this, again, was a special occasion. Our Vestry, at more ordinary periods, demands its meed of praise.
Our Vestry is eminently43 parliamentary. Playing at Parliament is its favourite game. It is even regarded by some of its members as a chapel44 of ease to the House of Commons: a Little Go to be passed first. It has its strangers’ gallery, and its reported debates (see the Sunday paper before mentioned), and our Vestrymen are in and out of order, and on and off their legs, and above all are transcendently quarrelsome, after the pattern of the real original.
Our Vestry being assembled, Mr. Magg never begs to trouble Mr. Wigsby with a simple inquiry45. He knows better than that. Seeing the honourable46 gentleman, associated in their minds with Chumbledon Square, in his place, he wishes to ask that honourable gentleman what the intentions of himself, and those with whom he acts, may be, on the subject of the paving of the district known as Piggleum Buildings? Mr. Wigsby replies (with his eye on next Sunday’s paper) that in reference to the question which has been put to him by the honourable gentleman opposite, he must take leave to say, that if that honourable gentleman had had the courtesy to give him notice of that question, he (Mr. Wigsby) would have consulted with his colleagues in reference to the advisability, in the present state of the discussions on the new paving-rate, of answering that question. But, as the honourable gentleman has NOT had the courtesy to give him notice of that question (great cheering from the Wigsby interest), he must decline to give the honourable gentleman the satisfaction he requires. Mr. Magg, instantly rising to retort, is received with loud cries of ‘Spoke!’ from the Wigsby interest, and with cheers from the Magg side of the house. Moreover, five gentlemen rise to order, and one of them, in revenge for being taken no notice of, petrifies47 the assembly by moving that this Vestry do now adjourn48; but, is persuaded to withdraw that awful proposal, in consideration of its tremendous consequences if persevered49 in. Mr. Magg, for the purpose of being heard, then begs to move, that you, sir, do now pass to the order of the day; and takes that opportunity of saying, that if an honourable gentleman whom he has in his eye, and will not demean himself by more particularly naming (oh, oh, and cheers), supposes that he is to be put down by clamour, that honourable gentleman — however supported he may be, through thick and thin, by a Fellow Parishioner, with whom he is well acquainted (cheers and counter-cheers, Mr. Magg being invariably backed by the Rate-Payer) — will find himself mistaken. Upon this, twenty members of our Vestry speak in succession concerning what the two great men have meant, until it appears, after an hour and twenty minutes, that neither of them meant anything. Then our Vestry begins business.
We have said that, after the pattern of the real original, our Vestry in playing at Parliament is transcendently quarrelsome. It enjoys a personal altercation50 above all things. Perhaps the most redoubtable51 case of this kind we have ever had — though we have had so many that it is difficult to decide — was that on which the last extreme solemnities passed between Mr. Tiddypot (of Gumption52 House) and Captain Banger (of Wilderness53 Walk).
In an adjourned54 debate on the question whether water could be regarded in the light of a necessary of life; respecting which there were great differences of opinion, and many shades of sentiment; Mr. Tiddypot, in a powerful burst of eloquence against that hypothesis, frequently made use of the expression that such and such a rumour55 had ‘reached his ears.’ Captain Banger, following him, and holding that, for purposes of ablution and refreshment56, a pint57 of water per diem was necessary for every adult of the lower classes, and half a pint for every child, cast ridicule58 upon his address in a sparkling speech, and concluded by saying that instead of those rumours59 having reached the ears of the honourable gentleman, he rather thought the honourable gentleman’s ears must have reached the rumours, in consequence of their well-known length. Mr. Tiddypot immediately rose, looked the honourable and gallant60 gentleman full in the face, and left the Vestry.
The excitement, at this moment painfully intense, was heightened to an acute degree when Captain Banger rose, and also left the Vestry. After a few moments of profound silence — one of those breathless pauses never to be forgotten — Mr. Chib (of Tucket’s Terrace, and the father of the Vestry) rose. He said that words and looks had passed in that assembly, replete61 with consequences which every feeling mind must deplore62. Time pressed. The sword was drawn63, and while he spoke the scabbard might be thrown away. He moved that those honourable gentlemen who had left the Vestry be recalled, and required to pledge themselves upon their honour that this affair should go no farther. The motion being by a general union of parties unanimously agreed to (for everybody wanted to have the belligerents64 there, instead of out of sight: which was no fun at all), Mr. Magg was deputed to recover Captain Banger, and Mr. Chib himself to go in search of Mr. Tiddypot. The Captain was found in a conspicuous65 position, surveying the passing omnibuses from the top step of the front-door immediately adjoining the beadle’s box; Mr. Tiddypot made a desperate attempt at resistance, but was overpowered by Mr. Chib (a remarkably66 hale old gentleman of eighty-two), and brought back in safety.
Mr. Tiddypot and the Captain being restored to their places, and glaring on each other, were called upon by the chair to abandon all homicidal intentions, and give the Vestry an assurance that they did so. Mr. Tiddypot remained profoundly silent. The Captain likewise remained profoundly silent, saying that he was observed by those around him to fold his arms like Napoleon Buonaparte, and to snort in his breathing — actions but too expressive67 of gunpowder68.
The most intense emotion now prevailed. Several members clustered in remonstrance69 round the Captain, and several round Mr. Tiddypot; but, both were obdurate70. Mr. Chib then presented himself amid tremendous cheering, and said, that not to shrink from the discharge of his painful duty, he must now move that both honourable gentlemen be taken into custody71 by the beadle, and conveyed to the nearest police-office, there to be held to bail72. The union of parties still continuing, the motion was seconded by Mr. Wigsby — on all usual occasions Mr. Chib’s opponent — and rapturously carried with only one dissentient voice. This was Dogginson’s, who said from his place ‘Let ’em fight it out with fistes;’ but whose coarse remark was received as it merited.
The beadle now advanced along the floor of the Vestry, and beckoned73 with his cocked hat to both members. Every breath was suspended. To say that a pin might have been heard to fall, would be feebly to express the all-absorbing interest and silence. Suddenly, enthusiastic cheering broke out from every side of the Vestry. Captain Banger had risen — being, in fact, pulled up by a friend on either side, and poked74 up by a friend behind.
The Captain said, in a deep determined75 voice, that he had every respect for that Vestry and every respect for that chair; that he also respected the honourable gentleman of Gumpton House; but, that he respected his honour more. Hereupon the Captain sat down, leaving the whole Vestry much affected76. Mr. Tiddypot instantly rose, and was received with the same encouragement. He likewise said — and the exquisite77 art of this orator17 communicated to the observation an air of freshness and novelty — that he too had every respect for that Vestry; that he too had every respect for that chair. That he too respected the honourable and gallant gentleman of Wilderness Walk; but, that he too respected his honour more. ‘Hows’ever,’ added the distinguished78 Vestryman, ‘if the honourable and gallant gentleman’s honour is never more doubted and damaged than it is by me, he’s all right.’ Captain Banger immediately started up again, and said that after those observations, involving as they did ample concession79 to his honour without compromising the honour of the honourable gentleman, he would be wanting in honour as well as in generosity80, if he did not at once repudiate81 all intention of wounding the honour of the honourable gentleman, or saying anything dishonourable to his honourable feelings. These observations were repeatedly interrupted by bursts of cheers. Mr. Tiddypot retorted that he well knew the spirit of honour by which the honourable and gallant gentleman was so honourably82 animated, and that he accepted an honourable explanation, offered in a way that did him honour; but, he trusted that the Vestry would consider that his (Mr. Tiddypot’s) honour had imperatively83 demanded of him that painful course which he had felt it due to his honour to adopt. The Captain and Mr. Tiddypot then touched their hats to one another across the Vestry, a great many times, and it is thought that these proceedings84 (reported to the extent of several columns in next Sunday’s paper) will bring them in as church-wardens next year.
All this was strictly85 after the pattern of the real original, and so are the whole of our Vestry’s proceedings. In all their debates, they are laudably imitative of the windy and wordy slang of the real original, and of nothing that is better in it. They have head-strong party animosities, without any reference to the merits of questions; they tack86 a surprising amount of debate to a very little business; they set more store by forms than they do by substances:— all very like the real original! It has been doubted in our borough, whether our Vestry is of any utility; but our own conclusion is, that it is of the use to the Borough that a diminishing mirror is to a painter, as enabling it to perceive in a small focus of absurdity87 all the surface defects of the real original.
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1
shareholder
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| n.股东，股票持有人 | |
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joint
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| adj.联合的，共同的；n.关节，接合处；v.连接，贴合 | |
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borough
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| n.享有自治权的市镇；(英)自治市镇 | |
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barbarian
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| n.野蛮人；adj.野蛮(人)的；未开化的 | |
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ERECTED
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| adj. 直立的，竖立的，笔直的 vt. 使 ... 直立，建立 | |
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eloquence
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| n.雄辩；口才，修辞 | |
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eminent
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| adj.显赫的，杰出的，有名的，优良的 | |
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exertions
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| n.努力( exertion的名词复数 )；费力；（能力、权力等的）运用；行使 | |
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rife
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| adj.(指坏事情)充斥的，流行的，普遍的 | |
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momentous
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| adj.重要的，重大的 | |
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subscribes
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| v.捐助( subscribe的第三人称单数 )；签署，题词；订阅；同意 | |
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indicting
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| 控告，起诉( indict的现在分词 ) | |
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utterance
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| n.用言语表达，话语，言语 | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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rigid
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| adj.严格的，死板的；刚硬的，僵硬的 | |
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economist
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| n.经济学家，经济专家，节俭的人 | |
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orator
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| n.演说者，演讲者，雄辩家 | |
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orators
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| n.演说者，演讲家( orator的名词复数 ) | |
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adverted
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| 引起注意（advert的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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anonymous
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| adj.无名的；匿名的；无特色的 | |
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assailed
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| v.攻击( assail的过去式和过去分词 )；困扰；质问；毅然应对 | |
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faction
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| n.宗派，小集团；派别；派系斗争 | |
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memorable
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| adj.值得回忆的，难忘的，特别的，显著的 | |
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animated
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| adj.生气勃勃的，活跃的，愉快的 | |
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eminence
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| n.卓越，显赫；高地，高处；名家 | |
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habitually
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| ad.习惯地，通常地 | |
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provocation
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| n.激怒，刺激，挑拨，挑衅的事物，激怒的原因 | |
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clamorous
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| adj.吵闹的，喧哗的 | |
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disorder
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| n.紊乱，混乱；骚动，骚乱；疾病，失调 | |
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manifesto
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| n.宣言，声明 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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orphanage
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| n.孤儿院 | |
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celebrated
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| adj.有名的，声誉卓著的 | |
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pestilence
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| n.瘟疫 | |
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oysters
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| 牡蛎( oyster的名词复数 ) | |
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kindled
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| （使某物）燃烧，着火( kindle的过去式和过去分词 )； 激起（感情等）； 发亮，放光 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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vented
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| 表达，发泄（感情，尤指愤怒）( vent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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unintelligible
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| adj.无法了解的，难解的，莫明其妙的 | |
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oracle
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| n.神谕，神谕处，预言 | |
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exigencies
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| n.急切需要 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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eminently
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| adv.突出地；显著地；不寻常地 | |
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chapel
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| n.小教堂，殡仪馆 | |
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inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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honourable
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| adj.可敬的；荣誉的，光荣的 | |
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petrifies
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| v.吓呆，使麻木( petrify的第三人称单数 )；使吓呆，使惊呆 | |
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adjourn
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| v.（使）休会，（使）休庭 | |
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persevered
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| v.坚忍，坚持( persevere的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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altercation
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| n.争吵，争论 | |
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redoubtable
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| adj.可敬的；可怕的 | |
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gumption
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| n.才干 | |
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wilderness
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| n.杳无人烟的一片陆地、水等，荒漠 | |
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adjourned
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| （使）休会， （使）休庭( adjourn的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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rumour
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| n.谣言，谣传，传闻 | |
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refreshment
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| n.恢复，精神爽快，提神之事物；（复数）refreshments:点心，茶点 | |
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pint
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| n.品脱 | |
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ridicule
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| v.讥讽，挖苦；n.嘲弄 | |
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rumours
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| n.传闻( rumour的名词复数 )；风闻；谣言；谣传 | |
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gallant
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| adj.英勇的，豪侠的；(向女人)献殷勤的 | |
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replete
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| adj.饱满的，塞满的；n.贮蜜蚁 | |
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deplore
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| vt.哀叹，对...深感遗憾 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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belligerents
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| n.交战的一方（指国家、集团或个人）( belligerent的名词复数 ) | |
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conspicuous
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| adj.明眼的，惹人注目的；炫耀的，摆阔气的 | |
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remarkably
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| ad.不同寻常地，相当地 | |
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expressive
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| adj.表现的，表达…的，富于表情的 | |
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68
gunpowder
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| n.火药 | |
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69
remonstrance
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| n抗议，抱怨 | |
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obdurate
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| adj.固执的，顽固的 | |
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71
custody
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| n.监护，照看，羁押，拘留 | |
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72
bail
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| v.舀（水），保释；n.保证金，保释，保释人 | |
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beckoned
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| v.（用头或手的动作）示意，召唤( beckon的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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74
poked
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| v.伸出( poke的过去式和过去分词 )；戳出；拨弄；与（某人）性交 | |
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75
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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77
exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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78
distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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79
concession
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| n.让步，妥协；特许(权) | |
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80
generosity
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| n.大度，慷慨，慷慨的行为 | |
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81
repudiate
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| v.拒绝，拒付，拒绝履行 | |
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82
honourably
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| adv.可尊敬地，光荣地，体面地 | |
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83
imperatively
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| adv.命令式地 | |
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84
proceedings
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| n.进程，过程，议程；诉讼(程序)；公报 | |
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85
strictly
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| adv.严厉地，严格地；严密地 | |
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86
tack
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| n.大头钉；假缝，粗缝 | |
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87
absurdity
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| n.荒谬，愚蠢；谬论 | |
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