Our bore is admitted on all hands to be a good-hearted man. He may put fifty people out of temper, but he keeps his own. He preserves a sickly solid smile upon his face, when other faces are ruffled4 by the perfection he has attained5 in his art, and has an equable voice which never travels out of one key or rises above one pitch. His manner is a manner of tranquil6 interest. None of his opinions are startling. Among his deepest-rooted convictions, it may be mentioned that he considers the air of England damp, and holds that our lively neighbours — he always calls the French our lively neighbours — have the advantage of us in that particular. Nevertheless he is unable to forget that John Bull is John Bull all the world over, and that England with all her faults is England still.
Our bore has travelled. He could not possibly be a complete bore without having travelled. He rarely speaks of his travels without introducing, sometimes on his own plan of construction, morsels7 of the language of the country — which he always translates. You cannot name to him any little remote town in France, Italy, Germany, or Switzerland but he knows it well; stayed there a fortnight under peculiar8 circumstances. And talking of that little place, perhaps you know a statue over an old fountain, up a little court, which is the second — no, the third — stay — yes, the third turning on the right, after you come out of the Post-house, going up the hill towards the market? You DON’T know that statue? Nor that fountain? You surprise him! They are not usually seen by travellers (most extraordinary, he has never yet met with a single traveller who knew them, except one German, the most intelligent man he ever met in his life!) but he thought that YOU would have been the man to find them out. And then he describes them, in a circumstantial lecture half an hour long, generally delivered behind a door which is constantly being opened from the other side; and implores9 you, if you ever revisit that place, now do go and look at that statue and fountain!
Our bore, in a similar manner, being in Italy, made a discovery of a dreadful picture, which has been the terror of a large portion of the civilized10 world ever since. We have seen the liveliest men paralysed by it, across a broad dining-table. He was lounging among the mountains, sir, basking11 in the mellow12 influences of the climate, when he came to UNA PICCOLA CHIESA— a little church — or perhaps it would be more correct to say UNA PICCOLISSIMA CAPPELLA— the smallest chapel13 you can possibly imagine — and walked in. There was nobody inside but a CIECO— a blind man — saying his prayers, and a VECCHIO PADRE— old friar-rattling a money-box. But, above the head of that friar, and immediately to the right of the altar as you enter — to the right of the altar? No. To the left of the altar as you enter — or say near the centre — there hung a painting (subject, Virgin14 and Child) so divine in its expression, so pure and yet so warm and rich in its tone, so fresh in its touch, at once so glowing in its colour and so statuesque in its repose15, that our bore cried out in ecstasy16, ‘That’s the finest picture in Italy!’ And so it is, sir. There is no doubt of it. It is astonishing that that picture is so little known. Even the painter is uncertain. He afterwards took Blumb, of the Royal Academy (it is to be observed that our bore takes none but eminent17 people to see sights, and that none but eminent people take our bore), and you never saw a man so affected18 in your life as Blumb was. He cried like a child! And then our bore begins his description in detail — for all this is introductory — and strangles his hearers with the folds of the purple drapery.
By an equally fortunate conjunction of accidental circumstances, it happened that when our bore was in Switzerland, he discovered a Valley, of that superb character, that Chamouni is not to be mentioned in the same breath with it. This is how it was, sir. He was travelling on a mule19 — had been in the saddle some days — when, as he and the guide, Pierre Blanquo: whom you may know, perhaps? — our bore is sorry you don’t, because he’s the only guide deserving of the name — as he and Pierre were descending20, towards evening, among those everlasting21 snows, to the little village of La Croix, our bore observed a mountain track turning off sharply to the right. At first he was uncertain whether it WAS a track at all, and in fact, he said to Pierre, ‘QU’EST QUE C’EST DONC, MON AMI? — What is that, my friend? ‘Ou, MONSIEUR!’ said Pierre — ‘Where, sir?’ ‘ La! — there!’ said our bore. ‘MONSIEUR, CE N’EST RIEN DE TOUT— sir, it’s nothing at all,’ said Pierre. ‘ALLONS! — Make haste. IL VA NEIGET— it’s going to snow!’ But, our bore was not to be done in that way, and he firmly replied, ‘I wish to go in that direction — JE VEUX Y ALLER. I am bent22 upon it — JE SUIS DETERMINE. EN AVANT! — go ahead!’ In consequence of which firmness on our bore’s part, they proceeded, sir, during two hours of evening, and three of moonlight (they waited in a cavern23 till the moon was up), along the slenderest track, overhanging perpendicularly24 the most awful gulfs, until they arrived, by a winding25 descent, in a valley that possibly, and he may say probably, was never visited by any stranger before. What a valley! Mountains piled on mountains, avalanches26 stemmed by pine forests; waterfalls, chalets, mountain-torrents, wooden bridges, every conceivable picture of Swiss scenery! The whole village turned out to receive our bore. The peasant girls kissed him, the men shook hands with him, one old lady of benevolent27 appearance wept upon his breast. He was conducted, in a primitive28 triumph, to the little inn: where he was taken ill next morning, and lay for six weeks, attended by the amiable29 hostess (the same benevolent old lady who had wept over night) and her charming daughter, Fanchette. It is nothing to say that they were attentive30 to him; they doted on him. They called him in their simple way, L’ANGE ANGLAIS— the English Angel. When our bore left the valley, there was not a dry eye in the place; some of the people attended him for miles. He begs and entreats31 of you as a personal favour, that if you ever go to Switzerland again (you have mentioned that your last visit was your twenty-third), you will go to that valley, and see Swiss scenery for the first time. And if you want really to know the pastoral people of Switzerland, and to understand them, mention, in that valley, our bore’s name!
Our bore has a crushing brother in the East, who, somehow or other, was admitted to smoke pipes with Mehemet Ali, and instantly became an authority on the whole range of Eastern matters, from Haroun Alraschid to the present Sultan. He is in the habit of expressing mysterious opinions on this wide range of subjects, but on questions of foreign policy more particularly, to our bore, in letters; and our bore is continually sending bits of these letters to the newspapers (which they never insert), and carrying other bits about in his pocket-book. It is even whispered that he has been seen at the Foreign Office, receiving great consideration from the messengers, and having his card promptly32 borne into the sanctuary33 of the temple. The havoc34 committed in society by this Eastern brother is beyond belief. Our bore is always ready with him. We have known our bore to fall upon an intelligent young sojourner35 in the wilderness36, in the first sentence of a narrative37, and beat all confidence out of him with one blow of his brother. He became omniscient38, as to foreign policy, in the smoking of those pipes with Mehemet Ali. The balance of power in Europe, the machinations of the Jesuits, the gentle and humanising influence of Austria, the position and prospects39 of that hero of the noble soul who is worshipped by happy France, are all easy reading to our bore’s brother. And our bore is so provokingly self-denying about him! ‘I don’t pretend to more than a very general knowledge of these subjects myself,’ says he, after enervating40 the intellects of several strong men, ‘but these are my brother’s opinions, and I believe he is known to be well-informed.’
The commonest incidents and places would appear to have been made special, expressly for our bore. Ask him whether he ever chanced to walk, between seven and eight in the morning, down St. James’s Street, London, and he will tell you, never in his life but once. But, it’s curious that that once was in eighteen thirty; and that as our bore was walking down the street you have just mentioned, at the hour you have just mentioned — half-past seven — or twenty minutes to eight. No! Let him be correct! — exactly a quarter before eight by the palace clock — he met a fresh-coloured, grey-haired, good-humoured looking gentleman, with a brown umbrella, who, as he passed him, touched his hat and said, ‘Fine morning, sir, fine morning!’ — William the Fourth!
Ask our bore whether he has seen Mr. Barry’s new Houses of Parliament, and he will reply that he has not yet inspected them minutely, but, that you remind him that it was his singular fortune to be the last man to see the old Houses of Parliament before the fire broke out. It happened in this way. Poor John Spine41, the celebrated42 novelist, had taken him over to South Lambeth to read to him the last few chapters of what was certainly his best book — as our bore told him at the time, adding, ‘Now, my dear John, touch it, and you’ll spoil it!’ — and our bore was going back to the club by way of Millbank and Parliament Street, when he stopped to think of Canning, and look at the Houses of Parliament. Now, you know far more of the philosophy of Mind than our bore does, and are much better able to explain to him than he is to explain to you why or wherefore, at that particular time, the thought of fire should come into his head. But, it did. It did. He thought, What a national calamity43 if an edifice44 connected with so many associations should be consumed by fire! At that time there was not a single soul in the street but himself. All was quiet, dark, and solitary45. After contemplating46 the building for a minute — or, say a minute and a half, not more — our bore proceeded on his way, mechanically repeating, What a national calamity if such an edifice, connected with such associations, should be destroyed by — A man coming towards him in a violent state of agitation47 completed the sentence, with the exclamation48, Fire! Our bore looked round, and the whole structure was in a blaze.
In harmony and union with these experiences, our bore never went anywhere in a steamboat but he made either the best or the worst voyage ever known on that station. Either he overheard the captain say to himself, with his hands clasped, ‘We are all lost!’ or the captain openly declared to him that he had never made such a run before, and never should be able to do it again. Our bore was in that express train on that railway, when they made (unknown to the passengers) the experiment of going at the rate of a hundred to miles an hour. Our bore remarked on that occasion to the other people in the carriage, ‘This is too fast, but sit still!’ He was at the Norwich musical festival when the extraordinary echo for which science has been wholly unable to account, was heard for the first and last time. He and the bishop49 heard it at the same moment, and caught each other’s eye. He was present at that illumination of St. Peter’s, of which the Pope is known to have remarked, as he looked at it out of his window in the Vatican, ‘O CIELO! QUESTA COSA NON SARA FATTA, MAI ANCORA, COME QUESTA— O Heaven! this thing will never be done again, like this!’ He has seen every lion he ever saw, under some remarkably50 propitious51 circumstances. He knows there is no fancy in it, because in every case the showman mentioned the fact at the time, and congratulated him upon it.
At one period of his life, our bore had an illness. It was an illness of a dangerous character for society at large. Innocently remark that you are very well, or that somebody else is very well; and our bore, with a preface that one never knows what a blessing52 health is until one has lost it, is reminded of that illness, and drags you through the whole of its symptoms, progress, and treatment. Innocently remark that you are not well, or that somebody else is not well, and the same inevitable53 result ensues. You will learn how our bore felt a tightness about here, sir, for which he couldn’t account, accompanied with a constant sensation as if he were being stabbed — or, rather, jobbed — that expresses it more correctly — jobbed — with a blunt knife. Well, sir! This went on, until sparks began to flit before his eyes, water-wheels to turn round in his head, and hammers to beat incessantly54, thump55, thump, thump, all down his back — along the whole of the spinal56 vertebrae. Our bore, when his sensations had come to this, thought it a duty he owed to himself to take advice, and he said, Now, whom shall I consult? He naturally thought of Callow, at that time one of the most eminent physicians in London, and he went to Callow. Callow said, ‘Liver!’ and prescribed rhubarb and calomel, low diet, and moderate exercise. Our bore went on with this treatment, getting worse every day, until he lost confidence in Callow, and went to Moon, whom half the town was then mad about. Moon was interested in the case; to do him justice he was very much interested in the case; and he said, ‘Kidneys!’ He altered the whole treatment, sir — gave strong acids, cupped, and blistered57. This went on, our bore still getting worse every day, until he openly told Moon it would be a satisfaction to him if he would have a consultation58 with Clatter59. The moment Clatter saw our bore, he said, ‘Accumulation of fat about the heart!’ Snugglewood, who was called in with him, differed, and said, ‘Brain!’ But, what they all agreed upon was, to lay our bore upon his back, to shave his head, to leech60 him, to administer enormous quantities of medicine, and to keep him low; so that he was reduced to a mere61 shadow, you wouldn’t have known him, and nobody considered it possible that he could ever recover. This was his condition, sir, when he heard of Jilkins — at that period in a very small practice, and living in the upper part of a house in Great Portland Street; but still, you understand, with a rising reputation among the few people to whom he was known. Being in that condition in which a drowning man catches at a straw, our bore sent for Jilkins. Jilkins came. Our bore liked his eye, and said, ‘Mr. Jilkins, I have a presentiment62 that you will do me good.’ Jilkins’s reply was characteristic of the man. It was, ‘Sir, I mean to do you good.’ This confirmed our bore’s opinion of his eye, and they went into the case together — went completely into it. Jilkins then got up, walked across the room, came back, and sat down. His words were these. ‘You have been humbugged. This is a case of indigestion, occasioned by deficiency of power in the Stomach. Take a mutton chop in half-an-hour, with a glass of the finest old sherry that can be got for money. Take two mutton chops to-morrow, and two glasses of the finest old sherry. Next day, I’ll come again.’ In a week our bore was on his legs, and Jilkins’s success dates from that period!
Our bore is great in secret information. He happens to know many things that nobody else knows. He can generally tell you where the split is in the Ministry63; he knows a great deal about the Queen; and has little anecdotes64 to relate of the royal nursery. He gives you the judge’s private opinion of Sludge the murderer, and his thoughts when he tried him. He happens to know what such a man got by such a transaction, and it was fifteen thousand five hundred pounds, and his income is twelve thousand a year. Our bore is also great in mystery. He believes, with an exasperating65 appearance of profound meaning, that you saw Parkins last Sunday? — Yes, you did. — Did he say anything particular? — No, nothing particular. — Our bore is surprised at that. — Why? — Nothing. Only he understood that Parkins had come to tell you something. — What about? — Well! our bore is not at liberty to mention what about. But, he believes you will hear that from Parkins himself, soon, and he hopes it may not surprise you as it did him. Perhaps, however, you never heard about Parkins’s wife’s sister? — No. — Ah! says our bore, that explains it!
Our bore is also great in argument. He infinitely66 enjoys a long humdrum67, drowsy68 interchange of words of dispute about nothing. He considers that it strengthens the mind, consequently, he ‘don’t see that,’ very often. Or, he would be glad to know what you mean by that. Or, he doubts that. Or, he has always understood exactly the reverse of that. Or, he can’t admit that. Or, he begs to deny that. Or, surely you don’t mean that. And so on. He once advised us; offered us a piece of advice, after the fact, totally impracticable and wholly impossible of acceptance, because it supposed the fact, then eternally disposed of, to be yet in abeyance69. It was a dozen years ago, and to this hour our bore benevolently70 wishes, in a mild voice, on certain regular occasions, that we had thought better of his opinion.
The instinct with which our bore finds out another bore, and closes with him, is amazing. We have seen him pick his man out of fifty men, in a couple of minutes. They love to go (which they do naturally) into a slow argument on a previously71 exhausted72 subject, and to contradict each other, and to wear the hearers out, without impairing73 their own perennial74 freshness as bores. It improves the good understanding between them, and they get together afterwards, and bore each other amicably75. Whenever we see our bore behind a door with another bore, we know that when he comes forth76, he will praise the other bore as one of the most intelligent men he ever met. And this bringing us to the close of what we had to say about our bore, we are anxious to have it understood that he never bestowed77 this praise on us.
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1
enumerating
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| v.列举，枚举，数( enumerate的现在分词 ) | |
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generic
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| adj.一般的，普通的，共有的 | |
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tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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ruffled
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| adj. 有褶饰边的, 起皱的 动词ruffle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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attained
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| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的过去式和过去分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
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tranquil
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| adj. 安静的, 宁静的, 稳定的, 不变的 | |
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morsels
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| n.一口( morsel的名词复数 )；（尤指食物）小块，碎屑 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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implores
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| 恳求或乞求（某人）( implore的第三人称单数 ) | |
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civilized
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| a.有教养的，文雅的 | |
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basking
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| v.晒太阳，取暖( bask的现在分词 )；对…感到乐趣；因他人的功绩而出名；仰仗…的余泽 | |
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mellow
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| adj.柔和的；熟透的；v.变柔和；(使)成熟 | |
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chapel
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| n.小教堂，殡仪馆 | |
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virgin
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| n.处女，未婚女子；adj.未经使用的；未经开发的 | |
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repose
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| v.(使)休息；n.安息 | |
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ecstasy
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| n.狂喜，心醉神怡，入迷 | |
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eminent
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| adj.显赫的，杰出的，有名的，优良的 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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mule
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| n.骡子，杂种，执拗的人 | |
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descending
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| n. 下行 adj. 下降的 | |
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everlasting
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| adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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cavern
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| n.洞穴，大山洞 | |
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perpendicularly
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| adv. 垂直地, 笔直地, 纵向地 | |
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winding
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| n.绕，缠，绕组，线圈 | |
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avalanches
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| n.雪崩( avalanche的名词复数 ) | |
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benevolent
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| adj.仁慈的，乐善好施的 | |
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primitive
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| adj.原始的；简单的；n.原(始)人，原始事物 | |
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amiable
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| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
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attentive
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| adj.注意的，专心的；关心(别人)的，殷勤的 | |
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entreats
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| 恳求，乞求( entreat的第三人称单数 ) | |
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promptly
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| adv.及时地，敏捷地 | |
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sanctuary
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| n.圣所，圣堂，寺庙；禁猎区，保护区 | |
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havoc
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| n.大破坏，浩劫，大混乱，大杂乱 | |
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sojourner
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| n.旅居者，寄居者 | |
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wilderness
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| n.杳无人烟的一片陆地、水等，荒漠 | |
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narrative
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| n.叙述，故事；adj.叙事的，故事体的 | |
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omniscient
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| adj.无所不知的；博识的 | |
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prospects
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| n.希望，前途(恒为复数) | |
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enervating
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| v.使衰弱，使失去活力( enervate的现在分词 ) | |
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spine
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| n.脊柱，脊椎；(动植物的)刺；书脊 | |
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celebrated
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| adj.有名的，声誉卓著的 | |
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calamity
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| n.灾害，祸患，不幸事件 | |
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edifice
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| n.宏伟的建筑物(如宫殿，教室) | |
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solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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contemplating
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| 深思，细想，仔细考虑( contemplate的现在分词 )； 注视，凝视； 考虑接受（发生某事的可能性）； 深思熟虑，沉思，苦思冥想 | |
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agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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exclamation
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| n.感叹号，惊呼，惊叹词 | |
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bishop
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| n.主教，（国际象棋）象 | |
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remarkably
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| ad.不同寻常地，相当地 | |
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propitious
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| adj.吉利的；顺利的 | |
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blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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53
inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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54
incessantly
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| ad.不停地 | |
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thump
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| v.重击，砰然地响；n.重击，重击声 | |
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spinal
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| adj.针的，尖刺的，尖刺状突起的；adj.脊骨的，脊髓的 | |
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57
blistered
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| adj.水疮状的，泡状的v.（使）起水泡( blister的过去式和过去分词 )；（使表皮等）涨破，爆裂 | |
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58
consultation
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| n.咨询；商量；商议；会议 | |
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clatter
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| v./n.(使)发出连续而清脆的撞击声 | |
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leech
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| n.水蛭，吸血鬼，榨取他人利益的人；vt.以水蛭吸血；vi.依附于别人 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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presentiment
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| n.预感，预觉 | |
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ministry
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| n.(政府的)部；牧师 | |
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anecdotes
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| n.掌故，趣闻，轶事( anecdote的名词复数 ) | |
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exasperating
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| adj. 激怒的 动词exasperate的现在分词形式 | |
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infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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humdrum
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| adj.单调的，乏味的 | |
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drowsy
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| adj.昏昏欲睡的，令人发困的 | |
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abeyance
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| n.搁置，缓办，中止，产权未定 | |
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benevolently
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| adv.仁慈地，行善地 | |
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previously
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| adv.以前，先前（地） | |
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exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
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impairing
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| v.损害，削弱( impair的现在分词 ) | |
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perennial
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| adj.终年的；长久的 | |
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amicably
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| adv.友善地 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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bestowed
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| 赠给，授予( bestow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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